ID: 15209
Tech
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.
When the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This baby here," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer."
A smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
Immediately, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, "Fishing Off Florida."
"Ha!" laughed the smartass. "Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question."
The quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps he might like to try rephrasing his question and try again.
"Ok," the smartass said, "where is my mother's husband?"
Again there was a buzzing of wheels and flashing lights until a small card popped out. The card read, "Dead - and your father is still fishing off Florida."
ID: 17423
Tech
An analyst, a pure mathematician, and a statistician apply for a job. The interviewer asks each of them the question "What is 1/3 multiplied by 3?" The analyst enters it into his calculator and replies that the answer is 0.9999999. The pure mathematician replies that the answer is obviously 1. Then, the statistician asks the interviewer "What do you want it to be?"
ID: 17022
Tech
What's purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape.
ID: 13353
Tech
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by
Imperial Rome for the benefit of their Legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.
Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with it, you
may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two warhorses.
ID: 17773
Tech
And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days.
ID: 16119
Tech
In an open interview between our correspondant and world genius and sex machine Bill Gates, the following rather illuminating answers were provided.
Q: Is it true that Microsoft wants to destroy all other software makers everywhere?
A: Yes. Some think not, because if Apple & IBM quit, Microsoft would have no one to copy from. In fact, if Mac and OS/2 were gone we would never have to update Windows again anyway, and we wouldn't even have to pay for a programming staff to rearrange pirated code.
Q: Windows machines use the same monitors as everyone else. Why does Windows look so crude and blocky and ugly?
A: Good graphics take a lot of work. Designed with pride, they add greatly to the user experience. How often have you seen garbagemen washing and waxing their truck? On the inside? In January?
Q: I'm a programmer and I'd like to join Microsoft and help shape the future of personal computing. How do I apply?
A: Send in your resume. Mark the envelope Attention: Unskilled Labor Pool. If you're invited to an interview, remember that any trace of integrity or self respect will disqualify you. Pray loudly to any dollar bills you see, and be prepared to kiss the ass of a small, geeky looking man in glasses at any time.
ID: 16064
Tech
There was a mad scientist (a mad ...social... scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water - but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
ID: 18044
Tech
Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework?
Johnny: Its on Facebook. I've uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later.
ID: 15735
Tech
Q: Why do Hondas and Hyundais have standard rear-window defoggers?
A: So your hands don't get cold when you're pushing them.
Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?
A: With a Porsche, the pricks are on the inside.
+10,000 Jokes