ID: 8891
Tech
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Zebekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
I will now return the favor.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!
Ain't spam great?!?!?
ID: 12132
Tech
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
ID: 15404
Tech
E-Mail Screw-ups.
Many Universities, colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the begining or end to make up an e-mail address, i.e. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (probably not funny to the individual involved).
Some examples follow:
Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
eatonshit@dku.edu
Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)
cumminme@fu.edu
George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
dickinme@iup.edu
Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
kissinfk@lvu.edu
Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
beeranbj@myplace.com
Amanda Sue Pickering (Perdue University)
aspicker@pu.edu
Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)
ibballin@bsu.edu
Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada)
btkisser@bendover.com
Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)
ihadcock@tru.com
See what I mean?
ID: 1635
Tech
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
ID: 17934
Tech
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
ID: 2141
Tech
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
ID: 16127
Tech
What really does happen to MS programmers once they die?
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.
"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!" "Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?" "Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel. "Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.
"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.
ID: 6882
Tech
(Linux is a server far superior to windows. It's logo is Tux the digital penguin.)
1. Your favorite movie was Kill Bill.
2. Your favorite animal is a penguin.
3. You think micro and soft describe Bill Gates.
4. You would like to "server" Gates head.
5. Your desktop picture is of tux burning the windows flag.
6. Your motto is "W1ND0W$ 1$ 7H3 root 0F @LL 3V1L"
7. You can read the above statment.
8. You think XBOX was Microsoft's first success.
9. You would rather have a computer from Hasbro than Microsoft.
10. Your computer can play solitaire.
For you Windows users #6 means "Windows is the root of all evil".
ID: 17948
Tech
wocka is dead. no one comments anymore. no one submits jokes anymore.
Can someone fix these glitches?-
-when I write a comment and click on submit, half the time, the comment is not posted no matter how many times I try to re-post.
-Even if I select "show all" for the full comments list, the hidden comments dont show up. wtf?
I'm sorry this IS the only way I can get some attention since the forum is a ghost town.
+10,000 Jokes