ID: 17773
Tech
And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days.
ID: 16124
Tech
The Dosfish
Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.
So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, caused to be fashioned a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught but few tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.
At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could neither be dragged or dropped. "Forsooth," they cried, "the Dosfish can do only one job at a time, and of names he knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.
Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awile in the Parc of the Xer Ox. And he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish, and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.
Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature Oz II.
Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another Oz II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim fast in the new, 32-bit wide Pea Sea.
Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third window was the prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said "Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy Oz II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."
Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were many times overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers. Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his Oz II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said "It is indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.
Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not in the Pea Sea, but also in the Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my Entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs.
And so the gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.
Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their Ocenas, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.
Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they had wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.
And taking the next step was he of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all.
And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple Dosfish.
ID: 14536
Tech
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue,
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word,
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers,
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling,
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den,
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet,
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse,
Buy righting want too please.
ID: 16121
Tech
Believe it or not, Windows95 is not a virus, as many (millions) have claimed. You want proof? Look no further!
What's the difference between Windows95 and a virus?
Quality
Replicates Quickly
Virus: Yes
Windows95: Yes
Uses up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so
Virus: Yes
Windows95: Yes
Occasional hard disk destruction
Virus: Yes
Windows95: Yes
Usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems
Virus: Yes
Windows95:Yes
Will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware
Virus:Yes
Windows95:Yes
Occasional meltdown of vital components
Virus:Yes
Windows95:Yes
Until now it seems Windows is a virus, but there are several fundamental differences.
Viruses:
1.are well supported by their authors
2.are running on most systems
3.have fast, compact and efficient source code
4.become more sophisticated as they mature
ID: 16126
Tech
Microsoft's new "Cool User" Program
REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another m omentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the s torage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft, "because nobody lives there anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and WordPerfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, "IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time.
Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months," he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that; "I didn't say which six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to b eta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.
ID: 13438
Tech
Google Products We'll Never See
11. Google Hitman Assistant - Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.
10. Googlearchy - Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.
9. Google Smite - An extension of Google Earth uses laser beams attached to the satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.
8. Google Carnage - Use real-time satellite images to zoom in and see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.
7. Google Ogle - The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.
6. Googlebator - Used with Google Ogle, it's our first attempt at hardware.
5. Google Alibi - Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.
4. Google Telegraph - Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash.
3. Google Gaggle - The only search engine for geese.
2. Google Invading Force - Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google's new troop management tool.
1. Gogoel - Search, for dyslexics.
ID: 16145
Tech
The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.
ID: 16132
Tech
If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be?
To find out, let's compare Windows95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:
Jesus Windows95
Jesus: Said, "Surely I come quickly."
Windows 95: Has been promised "any day now."
Jesus:Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive
Windows 95: Is taking a lot longer to actually
arrive.
Jesus: Can walk on water.
Windows 95: Can crawl on a 486.
Jesus: Sits in judgement at the pearly
gates.
Windows 95: Will be used to judge Bill Gates.
Jesus: Bible says, "In Him, all things Windows 95 doesn't even run all
are possible."
Windows 95: doesn't even run all
possible Windows apps.
Jesus: Started life as a carpenter.
Windows 95:Turns perfectly good computers into
furniture.
Jesus: Born in a manger.
Windows 95:Resembles something found in a barn.
Jesus:Remembered for protecting the
weak.
Windows 95:Has weak memory protection.
Jesus:Was raised from the dead.
Windows 95:Was created from Windows 3.1.
Jesus performed great works for
the multitudes.
Windows 95 multitasking performance
barely works.
Jesus has no sin.
Windows 95 has no shame.
if this offends any Christians out there, I don't really care. But you can email me if you think it will make you feel better.
ID: 16822
Tech
A woman named Denise couldn't read her book. Her daughter Kelly was clicking away on the computer, but this time she was talking in a strange voice.
Denise decided to go check on what Kelly was doing. "Kelly," she said in a stern tone, "I told you no talking on the computer when I'm trying to read!"
Her daughter looked confused. "What? It was just the man with the Apple iPhone."
The next day the Apple iPhone arrived, but Kelly was grounded from her computer for a month. Denise tried to read, but yet again Kelly was talking in that strange voice. She said the same thing to Kelly, but she simply responded, "What? It's just the man with the Wii."
The Wii arrived the next day and Kelly was now grounded from every electronic system there ever was. But Kelly was still talking in that voice! Denise was steaming now and threatened to ground Kelly for a year. "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?" Denise yelled.
Kelly was trembling, but calmly she said, "It's Dad. He's been talking right next to me every day."
+10,000 Jokes