ID: 9037
Tech
Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer?
A. A lot of Bytes!!!
ID: 16122
Tech
Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandler.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandler will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugger, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we don't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "I know you are, but what am I?" Then general pandemonium ensued.
ID: 2860
Tech
How do you know, your computer hates you?
When it grows and pop ups.
ID: 755
Tech
With the daily time taken working on computers, avoiding things like RSI and any strain related illnesses is crucial to maintaining a healthy working environment. The following excercise has been devised by medical experts in the field of RSI research to ensure that if performed, will place the exerciser in a position of minimal risk. Simply follow the on-screen instructions.
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Scroll Up
ID: 992
Tech
Darn those pushy metric system advocates!
Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!
ID: 2141
Tech
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
ID: 2139
Tech
I half a spelling checker,
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I kin not sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please two no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
ID: 4670
Tech
Computer is very common nowadays and most of the people only know what are the computer short cut keys and buttons. This little list would help you when you are in times of need so that you won't go around saying the wrong things:
When you need help:
Dont's: Help!!! SOS!!!
Do's: F1
When you want to leave:
Dont's: cya! bye bye!
Do's: Alt + F4
When you are paying for something:
Dont's: Hand over your 100 dollar bill
Do's: Hand over your pay-pal account and password
When you are asking for an address
Dont's: Can you give me the address please
Do's: Can you give me the url please
When you want to find something:
Dont's: help me find something
Do's: Ctrl + F
When you are finding the washroom:
Dont's: Wheres the washroom?
Do's: Wheres the delete buttom?
When you need a check up:
Dont's: Doc, i need a full body check up
Do's: Doc, i need a full system scan
When you are sick:
Dont's: Take medicine
Do's: Ctrl+Alt+Delete
When you are asking for the price of a medical bill:
Dont's: How much does the operation cost?
Do's: How much does the changing of the Hard drive and power supply cost?
ID: 3157
Tech
A helicopter was flying in Seattle when suddenly an electrical malfunction disabled all electronic navigation and communication equipment.
Due to the amount of fog, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. He spotted a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot thanked them by smiling and waving, determined the route to SEATAC airport and landed safely. When they were finally on the ground, his co-pilot asked him how he'd done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft building, because they gave me a technically correct but utterly and completely useless answer."
+10,000 Jokes