ID: 17948
Tech
wocka is dead. no one comments anymore. no one submits jokes anymore.
Can someone fix these glitches?-
-when I write a comment and click on submit, half the time, the comment is not posted no matter how many times I try to re-post.
-Even if I select "show all" for the full comments list, the hidden comments dont show up. wtf?
I'm sorry this IS the only way I can get some attention since the forum is a ghost town.
ID: 2233
Tech
An engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were on their way to a tech conference on the other side of the mountains.
Half way down the other side, the brakes gave out, and the engineer steered for all his life to keep the car from going clean off the edge.
It was at the last second, skidding sideways towards doom, that the car finally stopped. One tire dropped over the edge.
The three sprang from the car, shaking and panting. The engineer was the first to speak.
"We could have been killed! I would like to get under the car and see just what happened to those brakes. Something has to be fixed."
The systems analyst agreed. "Yes, but I'd like to see the design blueprints. We could fix the problem with these cars with a little research."
The programmer was scratching his head. "I wonder if that's repeatable."
ID: 8781
Tech
A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop.
Guy: I'd like a cheesecake, please.
Receptionist: Sure.
The receptionist hands him a block of cheese.
Guy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake?
Rec: You have to purchase that seperately.
Guy: What the ----? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well.
Rec: Good. I knew you'd understand.
The Rec hands him the cake.
Guy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake?
Rec: You blend it.
Guy: With what?
The Rec hands him a blender.
The guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it.
Guy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it?
Rec: Oh ---- you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake for the batter first.
Guy: For the sake of Pete, what the ----? Fine. Let's start over. So I get the cheese and I get the cake. Then I exchange the cake for the batter, right?
Rec: Yep.
The guy blends it.
Guy: Right... I'm still stuck with a load of liquid.
Rec: You're supposed to cook it.
Guy: With what?
Rec: With this full-sized oven.
Guy: What the ----?
Rec: Yep.
The guy cooks the cheesecake.
Guy: Hey Rec! My cake is hot! Aren't cheesecakes supposed to be frozen?
Rec: Yeah, you need to put it in that freezer behind you for 24 hours. Since you're not an employee, it costs $1 a minute to use it.
Guy: You mean I'm supposed to pay $1440 to freeze my cake?
Rec: Wow! You're good at math! And, yes.
The guy puts his cheesecake in the freezer, pays his over-inflated bill, and leaves.
The next day, he comes back and finds the cake gone.
Guy: What happened to my cheesecake?
Rec: Well, you see, at lunch about an hour ago, there was this guy who was still hungry and saw the cheesecake and ate it.
On a completely unrelated note, the guy's brother bought a computer from Microsoft.
GB: How do I type my work?
Rec: Install Office.
GB: Sure.
GB: Umm... how do I install it?
Rec: You use a CD.
GB: Oh. Whoops, I jammed my cubicle into my case instead. Let's start over. So, I buy the computer and I install Office using a CD. Umm... I don't get how to do it.
Rec: You put the CD in the drive and let it Autorun.
GB: What the ---- is a drive?
Rec: Why don't you leave your computer here and let us do it for you?
GB: Sure.
The guy's brother leaves the computer and goes home.
The next day, he comes back.
GB: Yeah, I left my computer here yesterday?
Rec: No, there's no record of that. There was an extra computer here yesterday, so the shipping people shipped it off to CraCom.
GB: CraCom? As in CrappyCompany? It went bankrupt 2 hours ago!
Rec: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you care to buy a notebook?
GB: I already have one in my pocket, thanks.
ID: 354
Tech
How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail?
You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
ID: 12137
Tech
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
ID: 1340
Tech
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
ID: 13124
Tech
This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy!
Please do the following:
1. Open Google.
2. Type, "french military victories".
3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky.
4. Enjoy!
ID: 2139
Tech
I half a spelling checker,
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I kin not sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please two no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
ID: 178
Tech
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
+10,000 Jokes