ID: 14375
Tech
A plain computer illeterate SARDAR rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
Sardaar: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
Sardaar: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
Sardaar: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the Sardaar is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Sardaar: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Le me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
Sardaar: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Sardaar: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
Sardaar: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
Sardaar: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
Sardaar: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.COM
ID: 16119
Tech
In an open interview between our correspondant and world genius and sex machine Bill Gates, the following rather illuminating answers were provided.
Q: Is it true that Microsoft wants to destroy all other software makers everywhere?
A: Yes. Some think not, because if Apple & IBM quit, Microsoft would have no one to copy from. In fact, if Mac and OS/2 were gone we would never have to update Windows again anyway, and we wouldn't even have to pay for a programming staff to rearrange pirated code.
Q: Windows machines use the same monitors as everyone else. Why does Windows look so crude and blocky and ugly?
A: Good graphics take a lot of work. Designed with pride, they add greatly to the user experience. How often have you seen garbagemen washing and waxing their truck? On the inside? In January?
Q: I'm a programmer and I'd like to join Microsoft and help shape the future of personal computing. How do I apply?
A: Send in your resume. Mark the envelope Attention: Unskilled Labor Pool. If you're invited to an interview, remember that any trace of integrity or self respect will disqualify you. Pray loudly to any dollar bills you see, and be prepared to kiss the ass of a small, geeky looking man in glasses at any time.
ID: 2141
Tech
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
ID: 9426
Tech
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist]
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go? ^
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop. >
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce? man::
Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
The following are not csh but sh :
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
ID: 115
Tech
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."
Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?
A man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States!
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?"
And he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.
ID: 10724
Tech
Never trust google!
why?
follow the instruction below and you'll get what I mean
Please do it right now and see the blunder made by google.
1. Open google
2. Click 'language tools' link.
3. Write "Linda's mom is very nice" in 'Translate text:' textbox.
4. Select "English to Spanish" in the below combo.
5. Press Translate and wait for translation.
6. Now copy the translated text from the above text and paste it in the 'Translate text:' textbox.
7. Select "Spanish to English" in the below combo.
8. Press Translate and wait for translation.
9. Enjoy.
Copy paste below's URL to go to translator page of google:
http://www.google.com/language_tools?hl=en
ID: 13438
Tech
Google Products We'll Never See
11. Google Hitman Assistant - Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.
10. Googlearchy - Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.
9. Google Smite - An extension of Google Earth uses laser beams attached to the satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.
8. Google Carnage - Use real-time satellite images to zoom in and see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.
7. Google Ogle - The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.
6. Googlebator - Used with Google Ogle, it's our first attempt at hardware.
5. Google Alibi - Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.
4. Google Telegraph - Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash.
3. Google Gaggle - The only search engine for geese.
2. Google Invading Force - Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google's new troop management tool.
1. Gogoel - Search, for dyslexics.
ID: 4670
Tech
Computer is very common nowadays and most of the people only know what are the computer short cut keys and buttons. This little list would help you when you are in times of need so that you won't go around saying the wrong things:
When you need help:
Dont's: Help!!! SOS!!!
Do's: F1
When you want to leave:
Dont's: cya! bye bye!
Do's: Alt + F4
When you are paying for something:
Dont's: Hand over your 100 dollar bill
Do's: Hand over your pay-pal account and password
When you are asking for an address
Dont's: Can you give me the address please
Do's: Can you give me the url please
When you want to find something:
Dont's: help me find something
Do's: Ctrl + F
When you are finding the washroom:
Dont's: Wheres the washroom?
Do's: Wheres the delete buttom?
When you need a check up:
Dont's: Doc, i need a full body check up
Do's: Doc, i need a full system scan
When you are sick:
Dont's: Take medicine
Do's: Ctrl+Alt+Delete
When you are asking for the price of a medical bill:
Dont's: How much does the operation cost?
Do's: How much does the changing of the Hard drive and power supply cost?
ID: 17782
Tech
Have you ever had those days when your computer fucking sucks?
Now you have a poem to say!
I'm gonna get some Coke and a snack,
This should be FUCKING WORKING by the time I get back.
+10,000 Jokes