ID: 2767
Tech
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
ID: 6785
Tech
Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
ID: 1635
Tech
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
ID: 16126
Tech
Microsoft's new "Cool User" Program
REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another m omentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the s torage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft, "because nobody lives there anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and WordPerfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, "IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time.
Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months," he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that; "I didn't say which six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to b eta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.
ID: 14766
Tech
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
ID: 14536
Tech
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue,
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word,
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers,
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling,
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den,
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet,
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse,
Buy righting want too please.
ID: 13353
Tech
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by
Imperial Rome for the benefit of their Legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.
Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with it, you
may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two warhorses.
ID: 115
Tech
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."
Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?
A man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States!
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?"
And he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.
ID: 15210
Tech
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: SYSTEM'S ADMINISTRATOR
SUBJECT: WARNING! C-NILE VIRUS ... MUST READ:
Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958.
Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to send e-mail to other listed persons who received the e-mail from the person who sent it to you.
6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
+10,000 Jokes