ID: 395
Tech
Is your computer male of female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!" Recently a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusions follow:
1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) claim that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
1. They have lots of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
ID: 16744
Tech
As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, "It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!"
ID: 16217
Tech
The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.
---------------------------------------------------------
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WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger [Purchased Win95?]
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
ID: 18174
Tech
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: Are you kidding? You're a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house!
Boy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud.
Girl: Come on, that won't even buy us a cabin in Texas!
Boy: You don't know sh*t, my EC2 account can buy a farm in New York if you wish!
ID: 3347
Tech
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise - pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks
ID: 17832
Tech
"One day a friend of mine called me up to tell me he was thinking of buying a computer. This guy is particularly sensitive to criticism and not exactly in the upper echelon of the IQ range, and personally I don't think he should own a programmable VCR much less a computer, but he's a good guy, so I said "good for you." The following conversation ensued:
* Him: "Well, I have a couple questions though, that I thought I should ask you, cause you know about those things, right?"
* Me: "Yeah, ok, what do you want to know?"
* Him: "Well . . . what one should I buy?"
* Me: "What do you want to do with it mostly? Play games, word processsing (blah blah blah) . . .?"
Twenty minutes later . . .
* Him: "Well, I think probably I should get a real fast one, you know, cause I want it to go fast so I don't have to wait for the Internet."
I proceed to explain, SLOWLY, about the difference between megahertz and modem speed, which takes another twenty minutes.
* Him: "So how much is this going to cost me anyway?"
* Me: "It all depends on what you want. Some stuff costs more."
(Now, let me say here that at the very beginning of all this I had stated that neither a monitor nor a printer would come with a computer itself, unless you went for a package deal. He was, at this point, saying that he wanted to spend about $500 and that everything had to be from the same manufacturer. This was when the 550 P3 had just come out, so prices were still higher than $500 for any system you could go buy in a Circuit City, which he said he HAD to do.)
* Him: "Well, you know, I just want the basic stuff, a monitor, and a printer and a scanner, and maybe a camera, plus the stuff to make cards and print photos and all that, and the stuff to take care of paying my bills, and online."
* Me: "Ok, well, you need to get a system first, then think about the extras. You really need to learn the basics first. A computer with a monitor and a printer is probably going to be a minimum of $800 to $1000, if you really want them all to be from the same company."
* Him: "REALLY?! Well, ok, but I probably will need two printers, so it'll be more then, huh?"
* Me: "What?"
* Him: "Yeah, you can do that, right, hook up two of the same printer to one computer?"
* Me: "Well . . . NO, you can't."
* Him: "But I'll need to do that!"
* Me: "No, really, you won't. Why do you think that?"
* Him: "Ok, wait, I know, what about two computers? Can you do that? Can you hook two computers together?"
* Me: "But . . . why? No."
* Him: "But I am going to NEED that! You can't do that for me?!"
* Me: "Ok, ya know what, what the hell are you talking about?!? No one ever NEEDS to do what you are talking about doing so why do you think you need to do this?"
* Him: "Well, when I go to print out that manuscript I'm going to write, it'll probably be like 800 pages or so, so how am I ever going to get one printer to print that much, and one computer probably can't even hold that much in one thing, right?"
Inside, I was going ballistic at this point, and it did boil over, especially since there is NO WAY there is 800 pages worth of anything in this guy's head, but I explained that (a) one computer can in fact "hold" that much and a whole lot more, and (b) one printer (unless it is a huge Xerox or other office type industrial machine) CAN'T hold that much paper in one shot.
I hope that none of you nice tech support people never EVER get a call from this guy, because I guarantee you it will be the worst call you ever get in your life. You guys may all have to get together and dedicate a page to him, posting only his calls, just to vent your anger. He is the cupholder guy, the NOSMOKE.EXE guy, the guy who insists he "hasn't changed anything" when he really edited his AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS to include lines like "and don't say I'm bad and an invalid," and the guy who has everything plugged in but nothing where it is supposed to be plugged in. He WILL have his powerstrip plugged into itself and will insist that it is NOT. May the force be with you all; you'll need it."
ID: 2390
Tech
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
ID: 17774
Tech
And the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble.
ID: 16853
Tech
I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again.
Thanks Andrew!
+10,000 Jokes