ID: 17974
Tech
A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.
ID: 2166
Tech
The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
ID: 9032
Tech
What is a robot's favorite food?
Nuts and bolts!
ID: 10516
Tech
Things You Learn from Video Games
There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force.
If it moves, DESTROY IT!
Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
One lone "good guy" can defeat an infinite number of "badguys."
Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground.
You can break things and get away with it.
You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
If someone dies, they disappear.
If you get mad enough, you can fight even better.
You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
You can operate all weapons without training.
No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
Death is reversible (only for you!)
Ninjas are common, and frequently fight in public.
Whenever big fat mean guys are about to croak, they begin flashing red or yellow.
You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
All women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was bad.
Don't worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
A thousand-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.
ID: 11652
Tech
THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!! My cousin works as a technical support receptionist at a computer company. This is an actual conversation he had one day:
"Hi, I'm having trouble with my computer. It's not working!"
"Well, I'll do my best to help you."
*gets technical information for computer from caller*
"OK, can you press 'Control', then hold down 'Alt' and, then 'Delete'?"
"Hey, it's in French!"
"What is?"
"The keyboard?"
"*sigh* Well, can you press..."
"Oh, darn, I just noticed, the power's off!"
"Well, can you turn it on, please?"
"How?"
"Press the power button."
"Where is it?"
"It's normally a big button on the actual computer, not the monitor."
"Like the lizard?"
"Pardon me?"
"Oh, OK, I got it."
"OK, now press 'Control' and then 'I'..."
" 'I' as in Isabel or 'I' as in Irene?"
And so on and so on..... :) Customers can be so...difficult...
ID: 114
Tech
Tech Support
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
ID: 9037
Tech
Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer?
A. A lot of Bytes!!!
ID: 13124
Tech
This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy!
Please do the following:
1. Open Google.
2. Type, "french military victories".
3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky.
4. Enjoy!
ID: 8781
Tech
A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop.
Guy: I'd like a cheesecake, please.
Receptionist: Sure.
The receptionist hands him a block of cheese.
Guy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake?
Rec: You have to purchase that seperately.
Guy: What the ----? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well.
Rec: Good. I knew you'd understand.
The Rec hands him the cake.
Guy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake?
Rec: You blend it.
Guy: With what?
The Rec hands him a blender.
The guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it.
Guy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it?
Rec: Oh ---- you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake for the batter first.
Guy: For the sake of Pete, what the ----? Fine. Let's start over. So I get the cheese and I get the cake. Then I exchange the cake for the batter, right?
Rec: Yep.
The guy blends it.
Guy: Right... I'm still stuck with a load of liquid.
Rec: You're supposed to cook it.
Guy: With what?
Rec: With this full-sized oven.
Guy: What the ----?
Rec: Yep.
The guy cooks the cheesecake.
Guy: Hey Rec! My cake is hot! Aren't cheesecakes supposed to be frozen?
Rec: Yeah, you need to put it in that freezer behind you for 24 hours. Since you're not an employee, it costs $1 a minute to use it.
Guy: You mean I'm supposed to pay $1440 to freeze my cake?
Rec: Wow! You're good at math! And, yes.
The guy puts his cheesecake in the freezer, pays his over-inflated bill, and leaves.
The next day, he comes back and finds the cake gone.
Guy: What happened to my cheesecake?
Rec: Well, you see, at lunch about an hour ago, there was this guy who was still hungry and saw the cheesecake and ate it.
On a completely unrelated note, the guy's brother bought a computer from Microsoft.
GB: How do I type my work?
Rec: Install Office.
GB: Sure.
GB: Umm... how do I install it?
Rec: You use a CD.
GB: Oh. Whoops, I jammed my cubicle into my case instead. Let's start over. So, I buy the computer and I install Office using a CD. Umm... I don't get how to do it.
Rec: You put the CD in the drive and let it Autorun.
GB: What the ---- is a drive?
Rec: Why don't you leave your computer here and let us do it for you?
GB: Sure.
The guy's brother leaves the computer and goes home.
The next day, he comes back.
GB: Yeah, I left my computer here yesterday?
Rec: No, there's no record of that. There was an extra computer here yesterday, so the shipping people shipped it off to CraCom.
GB: CraCom? As in CrappyCompany? It went bankrupt 2 hours ago!
Rec: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you care to buy a notebook?
GB: I already have one in my pocket, thanks.
+10,000 Jokes