ID: 16744
Tech
As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, "It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!"
ID: 9037
Tech
Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer?
A. A lot of Bytes!!!
ID: 9674
Tech
Dear Bob in Tech Support,
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever, as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've
tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off, but I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works
okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Leisure 3.1 and QuietTime programs, often trying to abort them with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while to re-check my hardware.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while, until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I
tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a "feature" I didn't know about that automatically detects the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in the background in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts, which is very expensive. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented", as that interface is sometimes cumbersome and even counter-intuitive.
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.1, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. To his dismay, however, he discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.1 expires within a year of the upgrade, if you don't upgrade AGAIN to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade YET AGAIN to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a HUGE resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. In fact, it has even automatically deleted several of his other programs to make room for itself, not the least of which was DrinkingBuddies 1.0, which used to be one of his favorite applications, as well. This is particularly disturbing to me, as we used to run DrinkingBuddies 1.0 on a network with several of our mutual friends, and now he can't even connect any more!
He told me that one of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus, which sounded great. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes inexplicably
prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly when he starts the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. Also, for no apparent reason, the OralSex 1.0 module that worked fine in his previous versions of GirlFriendPlus and Fiancee, stopped working the instant the upgrade to Wife 1.0 finished
installing.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything with the FreeSexPlus module. This warming up process requires him to run an antiquated version of ForePlay Beta, which has an
agonizingly slow interface, and which has an unfortunate tendency to crash, requiring a cold reboot to his system. The real insult to injury however, is that even though he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came embedded with MotherInLaw 2.0, which has an irritating automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0 (which I had heard works great in such situations), but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all of your MSMoney files before doing an uninstall of itself; then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Please help me Bob, I don't know what to do. Since the initial release, I have had nothing but problems.
I've heard that I would really like the CoolGirlFriend 1.0 Deluxe Upgrade (which is supposed to come bundled with a completely functioning version of FreeSexDeluxe), but that release is no where to be found - not even the Beta version! That release is also supposed to come with its own resource management module seamlessly layered in, so it won't conflict with any of my other programs (barring previous versions of GirlFriend, which I would happily delete!).
Please advise.
ID: 11652
Tech
THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!! My cousin works as a technical support receptionist at a computer company. This is an actual conversation he had one day:
"Hi, I'm having trouble with my computer. It's not working!"
"Well, I'll do my best to help you."
*gets technical information for computer from caller*
"OK, can you press 'Control', then hold down 'Alt' and, then 'Delete'?"
"Hey, it's in French!"
"What is?"
"The keyboard?"
"*sigh* Well, can you press..."
"Oh, darn, I just noticed, the power's off!"
"Well, can you turn it on, please?"
"How?"
"Press the power button."
"Where is it?"
"It's normally a big button on the actual computer, not the monitor."
"Like the lizard?"
"Pardon me?"
"Oh, OK, I got it."
"OK, now press 'Control' and then 'I'..."
" 'I' as in Isabel or 'I' as in Irene?"
And so on and so on..... :) Customers can be so...difficult...
ID: 2139
Tech
I half a spelling checker,
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I kin not sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please two no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
ID: 8781
Tech
A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop.
Guy: I'd like a cheesecake, please.
Receptionist: Sure.
The receptionist hands him a block of cheese.
Guy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake?
Rec: You have to purchase that seperately.
Guy: What the ----? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well.
Rec: Good. I knew you'd understand.
The Rec hands him the cake.
Guy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake?
Rec: You blend it.
Guy: With what?
The Rec hands him a blender.
The guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it.
Guy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it?
Rec: Oh ---- you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake for the batter first.
Guy: For the sake of Pete, what the ----? Fine. Let's start over. So I get the cheese and I get the cake. Then I exchange the cake for the batter, right?
Rec: Yep.
The guy blends it.
Guy: Right... I'm still stuck with a load of liquid.
Rec: You're supposed to cook it.
Guy: With what?
Rec: With this full-sized oven.
Guy: What the ----?
Rec: Yep.
The guy cooks the cheesecake.
Guy: Hey Rec! My cake is hot! Aren't cheesecakes supposed to be frozen?
Rec: Yeah, you need to put it in that freezer behind you for 24 hours. Since you're not an employee, it costs $1 a minute to use it.
Guy: You mean I'm supposed to pay $1440 to freeze my cake?
Rec: Wow! You're good at math! And, yes.
The guy puts his cheesecake in the freezer, pays his over-inflated bill, and leaves.
The next day, he comes back and finds the cake gone.
Guy: What happened to my cheesecake?
Rec: Well, you see, at lunch about an hour ago, there was this guy who was still hungry and saw the cheesecake and ate it.
On a completely unrelated note, the guy's brother bought a computer from Microsoft.
GB: How do I type my work?
Rec: Install Office.
GB: Sure.
GB: Umm... how do I install it?
Rec: You use a CD.
GB: Oh. Whoops, I jammed my cubicle into my case instead. Let's start over. So, I buy the computer and I install Office using a CD. Umm... I don't get how to do it.
Rec: You put the CD in the drive and let it Autorun.
GB: What the ---- is a drive?
Rec: Why don't you leave your computer here and let us do it for you?
GB: Sure.
The guy's brother leaves the computer and goes home.
The next day, he comes back.
GB: Yeah, I left my computer here yesterday?
Rec: No, there's no record of that. There was an extra computer here yesterday, so the shipping people shipped it off to CraCom.
GB: CraCom? As in CrappyCompany? It went bankrupt 2 hours ago!
Rec: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you care to buy a notebook?
GB: I already have one in my pocket, thanks.
ID: 7765
Tech
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a MCSE (Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer) were out driving, when their car broke down, and they couldn't get it started.
The mechanical engineer suggested that it was a failure somewhere in the drive train, but after checking it out he found that the engine and transmission were fine.
The electrical engineer thought it might be the ignition system; lifted the hood, checked for a spark, and found that everything was OK.
The MCSE was driving, and suddenly gets out of the car, slams the door, opens the hood and looks inside, slams that, gets back into the car, opens and closes all the windows and looks at his passengers and says, "There, it should start right up now..."
ID: 13344
Tech
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
ID: 6789
Tech
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster, where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million, but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth, and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified, government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and it could be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread and then pops it up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it, anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
+10,000 Jokes