ID: 10746
Tech
What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton?
Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!
ID: 18174
Tech
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: Are you kidding? You're a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house!
Boy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud.
Girl: Come on, that won't even buy us a cabin in Texas!
Boy: You don't know sh*t, my EC2 account can buy a farm in New York if you wish!
ID: 14636
Tech
Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."
ID: 16132
Tech
If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be?
To find out, let's compare Windows95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:
Jesus Windows95
Jesus: Said, "Surely I come quickly."
Windows 95: Has been promised "any day now."
Jesus:Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive
Windows 95: Is taking a lot longer to actually
arrive.
Jesus: Can walk on water.
Windows 95: Can crawl on a 486.
Jesus: Sits in judgement at the pearly
gates.
Windows 95: Will be used to judge Bill Gates.
Jesus: Bible says, "In Him, all things Windows 95 doesn't even run all
are possible."
Windows 95: doesn't even run all
possible Windows apps.
Jesus: Started life as a carpenter.
Windows 95:Turns perfectly good computers into
furniture.
Jesus: Born in a manger.
Windows 95:Resembles something found in a barn.
Jesus:Remembered for protecting the
weak.
Windows 95:Has weak memory protection.
Jesus:Was raised from the dead.
Windows 95:Was created from Windows 3.1.
Jesus performed great works for
the multitudes.
Windows 95 multitasking performance
barely works.
Jesus has no sin.
Windows 95 has no shame.
if this offends any Christians out there, I don't really care. But you can email me if you think it will make you feel better.
ID: 6410
Tech
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"
ID: 115
Tech
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."
Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?
A man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States!
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?"
And he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.
ID: 2139
Tech
I half a spelling checker,
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I kin not sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please two no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
ID: 14725
Tech
From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75.
ID: 2390
Tech
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
+10,000 Jokes