ID: 16744
Tech
As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, "It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!"
ID: 16125
Tech
What does the "95" in Windows95 mean anyway?
10. The number of floppies it will ship in.
9. The percentage of users who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS.
5. The number of hours to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
2. Meg of RAM required for the damn thing to run.
1. The year it was DUE to ship.
ID: 16126
Tech
Microsoft's new "Cool User" Program
REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another m omentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the s torage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft, "because nobody lives there anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and WordPerfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, "IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time.
Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months," he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that; "I didn't say which six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to b eta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.
ID: 13353
Tech
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by
Imperial Rome for the benefit of their Legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.
Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with it, you
may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two warhorses.
ID: 15808
Tech
The following are real excerpts from Help Desk logs at real corporations. Or are they?
1. Help Desk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
2. Help Desk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Help Desk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the 'F' key 8 times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
3. Hi, good afternoon, this is Elaine. I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
4. Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Help Desk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Help Desk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.
5. Help Desk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
ID: 16129
Tech
Focus Magazine Interview with Bill Gates
Microsoft Code Has No Bugs (that Microsoft cares about)
---------------------------------------------------------
In an interview for German weekly magazine Focus (nr.43, October 23, 1995, pages 206-212), Microsoft`s Mr. Bill Gates has made some tements about software quality of MS products. After lengthy inquiries about how PCs should and could be used (including some angry comments on some questions which Mr. Gates evidently did not like), the interviewer comes to storage requirements of MS products; it ends with the following dispute:
---------------------------------------------------------
FOCUS: Every new release of a software which has less bugs than the older one is also more complex and has more features...
Gates: No, only if that is what'll sell!
FOCUS: But...
Gates: Only if that is what'll sell! We've never done a piece of software unless we thought it would sell. That's why everything we do in software ...it's really amazing: We do it because we think that's what customers want. That's why we do what we do.
FOCUS: But on the other hand, you would say: Okay, folks, if you don't like these new features, stay with the old version, and keep the bugs?
Gates: No! We have lots and lots of competitors. The new version, it's not there to fix bugs. That's not the reason we come up with a new version.
FOCUS: But there are bugs an any version which people would really like to have fixed.
Gates: No! There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed.
FOCUS: Oh, my God. I always get mad at my computer if MS Word swallows the page numbers of a document which I printed a couple of times with page numbers. If I complain to anybody they say "Well, upgrade from version 5.11 to 6.0".
Gates: No! If you really think there's a bug you should report a bug. Maybe you're not using it properly. Have you ever considered that?
FOCUS: Yeah, I did...
Gates: It turns out Luddites don't know how to use software properly, so you should look into that. The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's absolutely not. It's the stupidest reason to buy a new version I ever heard. When we do a new version we put in lots of new things that people are asking for, and so, in no sense, is stability a reason to move to a new version. It's never a reason.
FOCUS: How come I keep being told by computer vendors, "Well, we know about this bug, wait till the next version is there, it'll be fixed"? I hear this all the time. How come? If you're telling me there are no significant bugs in software and there is no reason to do a new version?
Gates: No. I'm saying: We don't do a new version to fix bugs. We don't. Not enough people would buy it. You can take a hundred people using Microsoft Word. Call them up and say, "Would you buy a new version because of bugs?"
You won't get a single person to say they'd buy a new version because of bugs. We'd never be able to sell a release on that basis.
FOCUS: Probably you have other contacts to your software developers. But if Mister Anybody, like me, calls up a store or a support line and says, "Hey listen, there's a bug" ... 90 percent of the time I get the answer "Oh, well, yeah, that's not too bad, wait to the next version and it'll be fixed". That's how the system works.
Gates: Guess how much we spend on phone calls every year.
FOCUS: Hm, a couple of million dollars?
Gates: 500 million dollars a year. We take every one of these phone calls and classify them. That's the input we use to do the next version. So it's like the worlds biggest feedback loop. People call in, we decide what to do on it. Do you want to know what percentage of those phonecalls relates to bugs in the software? Less than one percent.
FOCUS: So people call in to say "Hey listen, I would love to have this and that feature"?
Gates: Actually, that's about five percent. Most of them call to get advice on how to do a certain thing with the software. That's the primary thing. We could have you sit and listen to these phone calls. There are millions and millions of them. It really isn't statistically significant. Sit in and listen to Win 95 calls, sit in and listen to Word calls, and wait, just wait for weeks and weeks for someone to call in and say "Oh, I found a bug in this thing"....
FOCUS: So where does this common feeling of frustration come from that unites all the PC users? Everybody experiences it every day that these things simply don't work like they should.
Gates: Because it's cool. It's like, "Yeah, been there done that. Oh, yeah, I know that bug." I can understand that phenomenon sociologically, not technically.
---------------------------------------------------------
So:
* Bug reports are statistically, therefore actually, unimportant;
* If you want a bug fixed, you are (by definition) in the minority;
* Microsoft doesn't fix bugs because bug fixes are not a significant source of revenue;
* If you think you found a bug, you are wrong, because really it only means you're incompetent; and
* People only complain about bugs to show how cool they are, not because bugs cause any real problems.
ID: 16213
Tech
A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"
ID: 16122
Tech
Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandler.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandler will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugger, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we don't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "I know you are, but what am I?" Then general pandemonium ensued.
ID: 16132
Tech
If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be?
To find out, let's compare Windows95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:
Jesus Windows95
Jesus: Said, "Surely I come quickly."
Windows 95: Has been promised "any day now."
Jesus:Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive
Windows 95: Is taking a lot longer to actually
arrive.
Jesus: Can walk on water.
Windows 95: Can crawl on a 486.
Jesus: Sits in judgement at the pearly
gates.
Windows 95: Will be used to judge Bill Gates.
Jesus: Bible says, "In Him, all things Windows 95 doesn't even run all
are possible."
Windows 95: doesn't even run all
possible Windows apps.
Jesus: Started life as a carpenter.
Windows 95:Turns perfectly good computers into
furniture.
Jesus: Born in a manger.
Windows 95:Resembles something found in a barn.
Jesus:Remembered for protecting the
weak.
Windows 95:Has weak memory protection.
Jesus:Was raised from the dead.
Windows 95:Was created from Windows 3.1.
Jesus performed great works for
the multitudes.
Windows 95 multitasking performance
barely works.
Jesus has no sin.
Windows 95 has no shame.
if this offends any Christians out there, I don't really care. But you can email me if you think it will make you feel better.
+10,000 Jokes