ID: 16822
Tech
A woman named Denise couldn't read her book. Her daughter Kelly was clicking away on the computer, but this time she was talking in a strange voice.
Denise decided to go check on what Kelly was doing. "Kelly," she said in a stern tone, "I told you no talking on the computer when I'm trying to read!"
Her daughter looked confused. "What? It was just the man with the Apple iPhone."
The next day the Apple iPhone arrived, but Kelly was grounded from her computer for a month. Denise tried to read, but yet again Kelly was talking in that strange voice. She said the same thing to Kelly, but she simply responded, "What? It's just the man with the Wii."
The Wii arrived the next day and Kelly was now grounded from every electronic system there ever was. But Kelly was still talking in that voice! Denise was steaming now and threatened to ground Kelly for a year. "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?" Denise yelled.
Kelly was trembling, but calmly she said, "It's Dad. He's been talking right next to me every day."
ID: 16213
Tech
A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"
ID: 16126
Tech
Microsoft's new "Cool User" Program
REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another m omentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the s torage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft, "because nobody lives there anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and WordPerfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, "IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time.
Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months," he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that; "I didn't say which six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to b eta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.
ID: 15404
Tech
E-Mail Screw-ups.
Many Universities, colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the begining or end to make up an e-mail address, i.e. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (probably not funny to the individual involved).
Some examples follow:
Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
eatonshit@dku.edu
Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)
cumminme@fu.edu
George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
dickinme@iup.edu
Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
kissinfk@lvu.edu
Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
beeranbj@myplace.com
Amanda Sue Pickering (Perdue University)
aspicker@pu.edu
Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)
ibballin@bsu.edu
Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada)
btkisser@bendover.com
Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)
ihadcock@tru.com
See what I mean?
ID: 16744
Tech
As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, "It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!"
ID: 14984
Tech
Recently the following undocumented Windows 98 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:
WinErr: 001
Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002
No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003
Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005
Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006
Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007
System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008
Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009
Horrible bug encountered - God only knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A
Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B
Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
WinErr: 00C
Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D
Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E
Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F
Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010
Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 013
Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014
Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018
Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019
User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A
Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software... Yet again.
WinErr: 01B
Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C
Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D
System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E
Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F
Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020
Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042
Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS session. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079
Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103
Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683
Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815
Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available.
WinErr: 844
Competing Product - Remove all competing products and install Microsoft equivalents.
WinErr: 910
Personal Data Communicate Difficulties - Could not transmit social insurance number and or tax details back to Microsoft headquarters for further analysis.
WinErr: 960
Minimal Effort - User has only reinstalled Internet Explorer four times while trying to get it operational, please reinstall again.
WinErr: 2000
You have not downloaded your daily Y2K and security glitch patch.
ID: 15735
Tech
Q: Why do Hondas and Hyundais have standard rear-window defoggers?
A: So your hands don't get cold when you're pushing them.
Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?
A: With a Porsche, the pricks are on the inside.
ID: 16122
Tech
Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandler.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandler will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugger, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we don't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "I know you are, but what am I?" Then general pandemonium ensued.
ID: 17021
Tech
Why do mathematicians like national parks?
Because of the natural logs.
+10,000 Jokes