ID: 17050
Tech
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-click again. So you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
_____________________________________________
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left-hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
ID: 8781
Tech
A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop.
Guy: I'd like a cheesecake, please.
Receptionist: Sure.
The receptionist hands him a block of cheese.
Guy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake?
Rec: You have to purchase that seperately.
Guy: What the ----? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well.
Rec: Good. I knew you'd understand.
The Rec hands him the cake.
Guy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake?
Rec: You blend it.
Guy: With what?
The Rec hands him a blender.
The guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it.
Guy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it?
Rec: Oh ---- you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake for the batter first.
Guy: For the sake of Pete, what the ----? Fine. Let's start over. So I get the cheese and I get the cake. Then I exchange the cake for the batter, right?
Rec: Yep.
The guy blends it.
Guy: Right... I'm still stuck with a load of liquid.
Rec: You're supposed to cook it.
Guy: With what?
Rec: With this full-sized oven.
Guy: What the ----?
Rec: Yep.
The guy cooks the cheesecake.
Guy: Hey Rec! My cake is hot! Aren't cheesecakes supposed to be frozen?
Rec: Yeah, you need to put it in that freezer behind you for 24 hours. Since you're not an employee, it costs $1 a minute to use it.
Guy: You mean I'm supposed to pay $1440 to freeze my cake?
Rec: Wow! You're good at math! And, yes.
The guy puts his cheesecake in the freezer, pays his over-inflated bill, and leaves.
The next day, he comes back and finds the cake gone.
Guy: What happened to my cheesecake?
Rec: Well, you see, at lunch about an hour ago, there was this guy who was still hungry and saw the cheesecake and ate it.
On a completely unrelated note, the guy's brother bought a computer from Microsoft.
GB: How do I type my work?
Rec: Install Office.
GB: Sure.
GB: Umm... how do I install it?
Rec: You use a CD.
GB: Oh. Whoops, I jammed my cubicle into my case instead. Let's start over. So, I buy the computer and I install Office using a CD. Umm... I don't get how to do it.
Rec: You put the CD in the drive and let it Autorun.
GB: What the ---- is a drive?
Rec: Why don't you leave your computer here and let us do it for you?
GB: Sure.
The guy's brother leaves the computer and goes home.
The next day, he comes back.
GB: Yeah, I left my computer here yesterday?
Rec: No, there's no record of that. There was an extra computer here yesterday, so the shipping people shipped it off to CraCom.
GB: CraCom? As in CrappyCompany? It went bankrupt 2 hours ago!
Rec: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you care to buy a notebook?
GB: I already have one in my pocket, thanks.
ID: 15725
Tech
A grandfather bought a hobby-horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour; however, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it to the company.
ID: 992
Tech
Darn those pushy metric system advocates!
Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!
ID: 118
Tech
A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool."
ID: 2862
Tech
How do you know that you're a computer geek?
You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.
ID: 16127
Tech
What really does happen to MS programmers once they die?
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.
"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!" "Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?" "Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel. "Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.
"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.
ID: 14536
Tech
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue,
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word,
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers,
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling,
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den,
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet,
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse,
Buy righting want too please.
ID: 14636
Tech
Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."
+10,000 Jokes