ID: 13245
Sports
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot, everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
ID: 3371
Sports
Stupid Things Said In The World Of Soccer:
1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidescope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other needs to score two to win.
9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
ID: 1333
Sports
Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" Bill replies, "Somersaults."
Ralph exclaims, "Somersaults! How many of them does it do?" Bill calmly replies, "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"
ID: 4609
Sports
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"
ID: 14
Sports
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
ID: 421
Sports
The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members.
Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
ID: 3913
Sports
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.
ID: 1332
Sports
Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:
That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"
"Well," said Ralph, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back."
ID: 2463
Sports
A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
+10,000 Jokes