ID: 4671
Religious
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the rabbi what he should do. The rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit. The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the rabbi for his wonderful advice. The rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."
ID: 3739
Religious
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
ID: 4636
Religious
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
ID: 4156
Religious
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
ID: 4511
Religious
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her reply.
ID: 4480
Religious
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.
ID: 2658
Religious
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Turn from your sin).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
ID: 15071
Religious
A parish priest calls the Mother Superior into his office and says, "There is something I must show you. Please come into my private room and close the blinds."
"Father!" exclaims the shocked Mother Superior. "What did you say?"
"What I said was ... " the priest begins.
"I heard what you said ... I just can't believe you're saying it," interrupts the Mother Superior.
"Well, I really need you to come in," the priest says. Curious now, she does as he asks.
"Here now, sit on the bed beside me," he says.
"I must get out of here," the nun replies.
"Aren't you the least bit curious?" asks the priest. She is, so she cautiously sits down beside him.
"Now get under the covers," instructs the priest.
"I can't do that!" she replies.
"But it doesn't work otherwise," the priest says. After much coaxing, she gets under the covers with him.
"Now, come closer," he whispers. Nervously, she moves closer to him.
"See, my new watch does glow in the dark!!" he whispers happily.
ID: 15680
Religious
In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep. And the Devil said, 'It doesn't get any better than this.'
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female created He them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit
And God populated earth
with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created Fast Food Giants.
And Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger.
And Devil said to Man, 'You want fries with that?'
And Man said, 'Super-size them.'
And Man gain five pounds.
And God said'Why doth thou eat thus?'
I have sent the heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them.'
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So man would not have to toil to change channels between Sky Sports 1 and Sky Sports 2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchful centre into chips and deep fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Devil saw it and said,'It is good.'
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of chocolates,
And upon returning asked Man, 'Do I look fat?'
And the Devil said, 'Always tell the truth.'
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counsellor.
And the Devil said,'It really doesn't get any better than this.'
+10,000 Jokes