ID: 15063
Religious
Attending her first confession, the new nun tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
"Sister Dominique," the priest says, your secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional."
"Father," she says, "I never wear underwear under my habit."
With a little chuckle, the priest says, "That is not too serious, Sister Dominique. For penance, say three Hail Marys, three Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
ID: 7130
Religious
A Unitarian Universalist walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for nine yards of material. The clerk asks, "What are you going to make?" The UU says, "I'm making a nightgown for myself as a present for my husband."
The clerk says, "But nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown."
The UU says, "I know, but my husband would rather seek than find."
ID: 10691
Religious
Bob was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove Joe crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
Bob replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
Joe looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
Bob answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
ID: 6854
Religious
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.
God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."
Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine" said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says: "That was the screen saver."
ID: 4791
Religious
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?î
ID: 6509
Religious
A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells him that he will remain frozen until his whole family is there. That way, it would stop him from doing anything NOT with his family.
So, a couple years pass, and his wife appeared in heaven. She had died of age. She was frozen along with her spouse.
One more year passes, and one of their two kids arrive. He had died because he was shot. He was frozen along with them.
They all watch many more people enter heaven. They suddenly saw the milkman enter heaven. He did NOT have any family; he was adopted. But for some reason, he was frozen along with them.
The woman and the milkman's eyes each grew very big.
Finally, the last kid died of age MANY years later, and the woman, the angry husband, the milkman, and the 2 kids all were released from being frozen to go to heaven.
ID: 1852
Religious
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
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And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
ID: 11815
Religious
You have to see this joke to believe it.
- Editor's Note: Link Deleted -
ID: 7233
Religious
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
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