ID: 11351
Religious
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
ID: 503
Religious
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
ID: 3355
Religious
Having been raised a Catholic and having gone to church some time in my past, I think these are still verifiable!
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
ID: 656
Religious
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
12) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
ID: 4113
Religious
-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.
-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.
-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.
-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.
ID: 9745
Religious
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll crap!"
ID: 13382
Religious
If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?
ID: 4885
Religious
Five days before Christmas, Santa was having a horrible day. And by horrible, I mean his wife was sick with the flu, 23 elfs called in sick, and nothing was getting done, so they were really behind schedule.
*Knock-Knock,* Santa heard, so he went to go open the door. There was an Angel carrying a christmas tree. "Where would you like me to put this?" asked the angel.
And that is why the Angel is put on top of the Christmas tree.
ID: 8280
Religious
A Christian, playing an active role in his church's activites, backslided and started leading a wayward life. He was usually drunk most of the time and on one occasion, as he was staggering back home after leaving a beer parlor, he fell into a gutter.
He staggered back up, put one leg inside the gutter and kept going like that until his pastor saw him. "What are you doing brother?" the pastor asked while pulling him out of the gutter. The drunk then started shouting, "I am healed, I am healed, praise the Lord."
The embarrassed pastor then said, "I only pulled you out of the gutter," The drunk then stuttered, "Lord of Mercy, I thought I had been crippled by God."
+10,000 Jokes