RELIGIOUS

The Baptism

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

St. Petersburg.

An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning:

Where were you born?!

St. Petersburg.

Where do you live?!

Leningrad.

(menacingly) Where would you like to die?!

St. Petersburg.

Shhhhh!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

Order of Monks

A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, "I hate porridge." A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, "I like porridge." Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says...

"Would you two stop this constant bickering!"

I Know What the Bible Means

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"

Corporate Lesson 2:

Always be well informed

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

The Healing Power of Holy Water?

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"

"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

An Exasperated Mother...

Email From God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased, so He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the Email said?

Just wondering, I didn't get one either.