ID: 14953
Religious
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" the pro asked.
The priest replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
ID: 6842
Religious
A man worked at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. One day when he was driving home from work, he ran out of gas (how ironic). So the man walks and walks and eventually he comes upon a monastery.
He asks a monk at the monastery, "Can I stay here over night? My car ran out of gas."
The monk replies, "You may; but you musn't come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am."
The man replies, "That's fine with me." The monk takes him to his room, and the man falls asleep.
About 12 midnight the man is roused from his sleep by a horrible groaning noise that was coming from the basement. He gets out of his bed to see what it is, but remembers the monk saying that he couldn't leave his room between 12 and 6 am. The groaning keeps the man awake all night long until it finally stops at 6.
The next morning the man asks the monk from yesterday, "What was that racket coming from the basement?"
"I can't tell you. You're not a monk," the monk replies.
So the man gets some gas from the monk, fuels up his car and drives home. For a year that groaning noise haunts him. The man decides to become a monk so he can find out what it was.
The man goes to monk school, and afterwards goes to the monastery that he arrived at a year ago.
He asks a monk there, "Can I stay here for the night?"
The monk replies, "Yes, but do not come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am."
"Why not?" the man asks.
"I can't tell you. You're not a monk," the monk replies.
"Yes, I am," the man says.
"Well, just don't come out," the monk says.
That night the man is awakened by the groaning noise. The man thinks, 'I'm a monk, so I can go and see what it is. The man walks down to the first floor and opens the door to the basement.
It had been bugging him for sooo long what the groaning noise was in the basement. It had haunted his dreams, scared him in the day, and he had gone through monk school and everything JUST to see what the groaning noise was in the basement. It was a strange noise, and he was finally able to see what it was, after a whole 365 days. He was just so excited to know what it was, so he wouldn't be haunted anymore. So he went down to the basement, sighed, and slowly creaked the door open to see what he had been wanting to see for the longest time.
Do you know what the man saw in the basement? I can't tell you. You're not a monk.
ID: 3975
Religious
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
ID: 349
Religious
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty.
A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?"
On hearing this, the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says, "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business?"
ID: 2581
Religious
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
ID: 61
Religious
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
ID: 3098
Religious
There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, "Is that enough proof for you?"
They replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, "SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!"
She then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, "Well, it's still three to two."
ID: 6577
Religious
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get out of here."
ID: 3367
Religious
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church members, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out "Grace."
The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The Pastor said, "Power."
The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence; everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then, way in the back of the church, a little old grandmother stood up and began to sing,
........."Precious Memories".
+10,000 Jokes