ID: 17104
Religious
If Jesus was born on the computer age, he would just use the internet to spread his word unlike his time, he needs to journey across the world.
ID: 3098
Religious
There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, "Is that enough proof for you?"
They replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, "SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!"
She then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, "Well, it's still three to two."
ID: 3729
Religious
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat.
"Sorry about the mix up" says the Pope.
"No problem," replies Clinton.
"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."
Clinton asks, "Why's that?"
"Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
President Clinton replies, "Sorry, but you're a day late".
ID: 4256
Religious
Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.
The first minister says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on each side, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine."
The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine."
They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. "Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third.
"Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor."
ID: 1735
Religious
One very loooooong summer day, not so long ago, a guy was driving down a long and never-ending road, when he noticed a sign that said
Ten miles ahead Sisters of Mercy brothel.
The guy really confused by somewhat intrigued decides that it is weird but if it were true he might check it out.
Later down the road he finds the same sign but it reads five miles ahead the Sisters of Mercy brothel.
So now the guys decides that he is definitely going to stop at the brothel five miles down the road.
FIVE MILES LATER...
He drives into a parking lot in front of a small windowless building with one door that says entrance to the Sisters of Mercy brothel.
He gets up to the door and on the doorknob "Knock three times" is inscribed on it.
So the guy filled with intrigue knocks three times, and immediately after the third knock an extremely old nun opens the door and says.
"Hello, are you looking for a few good nuns."
"Yes, yes I've been on the road all week and I'm pent up like hell, god I am."
As the nun gives the guy a cold look she tells him to come inside and follow the winding path.
So the guy goes through about fifteen hallways and finally comes across a door that says "WAIT"
And after a five minute wait the biggest butch of a nun comes and says high you came for a nun.
After having the shit scared out of him by the big nun she tells him that the nun of his dreams is on the other side of that door, but she tells him he has to strip naked right here and bend over facing the door keeping his eyes closed.
After doing those two tasks he feels the door in front of him swing open, and suddenly a sharp pain in his ass, he was kicked outside and the door slam shut and lock behind him.
As he walked around the long building buck naked, he gets back to the parking lot realizing that his car is missing, and the front door is locked. As he turns around he notices a card on the ground and opens it up and he reads
!CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY!
ID: 2576
Religious
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
Adam said, "What is a caress?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went behind the bush with Eve, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"
ID: 61
Religious
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
ID: 7021
Religious
Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."
ID: 1626
Religious
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied; "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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