ID: 782
Religious
A man and a woman are having an affair.
One day, the woman's husband comes home early from work. To avoid being caught, the cheating man runs over to hide in the closet. As he closes the door he hears a little voice say, "It's dark in here." This startles the man, and he looks down to see the woman's son. He then asks, "You're not going to say anything, right kid?" The boy says, "You know, I could really use a new baseball glove," to which the man replies, "Ok, ok here's $25 if you keep quiet." "You got a deal mister," the boy says, and he leaves the closet.
The next week, the woman's husband comes home again. As the cheater goes into a closet, he hears a voice say, "It's dark in here". The man says "What are you doing in here again kid?" The boy tells him, "I could really use a new baseball bat," and the man grumbles, "Yeah , ok, here's $50, now leave me alone."
After a few weeks of getting a new glove, bat, ball, and uniform, the boy feels guilty, so he goes to church to confess. He enters the confessional and sits down, saying, "It's dark in here." The priest next to him says, "Now don't start that shit again!"
ID: 11815
Religious
You have to see this joke to believe it.
- Editor's Note: Link Deleted -
ID: 9065
Religious
A cowboy an indian and a muslim were in an airport waiting for their flight.
After some silence the indian says. "Once my people were many, now we are few."
Then the muslim says, "My people were many, we are still many," he turns to the cowboy, "Why do you think that is?"
The cowboy says, "Maybe that's 'cause we haven't played cowboys 'n' muslims yet.
ID: 11696
Religious
The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her.
Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone."
From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim.
Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"
ID: 12557
Religious
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
ID: 13102
Religious
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
ID: 16782
Religious
[Jesus signed on at 11:29 pm.]
Jesus: Hello and welcome to the kingdom of heaven!
Bob: Oh wow you mean I can come in?
Jesus: All are welcome. Tell me what is the way you died?
Bob: Well I was in a coma. Half my family wanted me on life support half didn't.
Jesus: I see...
Bob: Oh crap brb
[Bob went away at 11:31 pm.]
Jesus: ? :(
[Bob came back at 11:45 pm.]
Bob: Sorry other half of the family
Jesus: I see... now this is-
Bob: brb
[Bob went away at 11:47 pm.]
Jesus: ...
[Bob came back at 11:59 pm.]
Bob: They just can't make up their minds!
Jesus: Clearly...
Bob: So Heaven eh?
Jesus: Yea it's the most
[Bob went away at 12:02 am]
Jesus: Screw this.
[Jesus signed out at 12:03 am.]
[Bob came back at 12:17 am]
Bob: Jesus they decided to let me die!
Bob: Both sides agreed...
Bob: Jesus?
Bob: You there?
[Satan signed in at 12:19 am]
ID: 12756
Religious
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, the man said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I-I tried," the man sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the priest, the man hurried off.
When confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.
ID: 13249
Religious
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
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