ID: 12062
Religious
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas,
but there are more Catholic churches than casinos there.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fransiscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
ID: 18147
Religious
So I asked a religious truck driver what his CB handle is.
His answer: "My handle's 'Messiah'."
(Get it? Sounds like "Handel's Messiah.")
ID: 7857
Religious
Did you know that if you fart in church you have to sit in your own pew?
ID: 10520
Religious
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
ID: 12068
Religious
In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say.
One year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed.
After the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, "Bed hard."
The priest frowned at him and ushered him away.
The next year the poor monk said in a sad voice,
"Food cold."
The priest scowled at him and told him to go away back to work.
The next year the monk said in a sad voice, "Quit job."
The priest suddenly shouted, "Finally! You've been here three years and all you've done is complain!"
ID: 13267
Religious
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
ID: 12802
Religious
What is Jewish beer called?
He Brew!!
ID: 10663
Religious
A Catholic man was struck by a bus on a busy street. He was near death lying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.
"A priest! Somebody please get me a priest!" the man gasped. Minutes dragged on and no one stepped out of the crowd.
A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest, I'm not even a Christian, but for fifty years now I've been living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I overhear their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: "B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72"
ID: 14615
Religious
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
AND THE #1 REASON YOU'LL KNOW YOUR TEENAGE AMISH SON IS IN TROUBLE IS:
1. He's wearing his big black hat BACKWARDS!!!
+10,000 Jokes