ID: 8325
Religious
Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill.
ID: 7858
Religious
I had a dream that I went to heaven. I was checking in at that gate with the last three presidents of the United States. I watched as George Sr., Bill Clinton, and George Jr. all walked through a bright door with an angel as an escort. I then gave Peter my name at the gate. He checked his book and said "I'm sorry you missed it by an inch, but there is a way to get into heaven if you walk around with an ugly girl for 100 years."
I was confused and started complaining that this was not the way heaven was supposed to work. Peter took me to a window next to the bright door where I saw men and women walking around with ugly people as their penance. I became curious about the Presidents before me and asked about George Sr. Peter informed me that he missed it by an inch. He then pointed in the window as I saw George Sr. walking with some really ugly woman.
I then asked about his son, George Jr. Peter said that he had missed it by an inch. Sure enough, I looked in the window and saw our President walking with what I guess was a woman (it was hard to tell).
As I was looking, I saw Bill Clinton walking with Britney Spears. I exclaimed to Peter that it was not fair. I asked what about Bill Clinton. Peter looked in his book and said that he could not find his name. Then I said what about Britney Spears. Peter looked in his book and said "she missed it by an inch.
ID: 15071
Religious
A parish priest calls the Mother Superior into his office and says, "There is something I must show you. Please come into my private room and close the blinds."
"Father!" exclaims the shocked Mother Superior. "What did you say?"
"What I said was ... " the priest begins.
"I heard what you said ... I just can't believe you're saying it," interrupts the Mother Superior.
"Well, I really need you to come in," the priest says. Curious now, she does as he asks.
"Here now, sit on the bed beside me," he says.
"I must get out of here," the nun replies.
"Aren't you the least bit curious?" asks the priest. She is, so she cautiously sits down beside him.
"Now get under the covers," instructs the priest.
"I can't do that!" she replies.
"But it doesn't work otherwise," the priest says. After much coaxing, she gets under the covers with him.
"Now, come closer," he whispers. Nervously, she moves closer to him.
"See, my new watch does glow in the dark!!" he whispers happily.
ID: 9125
Religious
What do the letters "INRI" at the top of Jesus' cross stand for?
I'm Nailed Right In.
ID: 10387
Religious
My brother-in-law was a gay minister, so when his sister wanted a small, casual wedding, she asked him to officiate. He had never performed a marriage ceremony before, so he decided to ask his pastor for advice.
"My sister has asked me to marry her," he began, "and I'm not sure what I should do."
The minister answered, "Try telling her you just want to be friends."
ID: 7838
Religious
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "White man sit on well.
ID: 8505
Religious
What do you call when god takes a crap?
Holy shit!
ID: 13267
Religious
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
ID: 7233
Religious
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
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