ID: 4671
Religious
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the rabbi what he should do. The rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit. The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the rabbi for his wonderful advice. The rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."
ID: 413
Religious
A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church, the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" the preacher asked. The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh, my God!" The preacher said "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question, "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" The preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm gonna break it in half!"
ID: 498
Religious
One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate revenge, determined to become a computer programmer.
Secretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, he began to work his mischief.
Lounging near the back gate to heaven, he remarked to Jesus that there were some things the Devil could do better than God. Perl programming, for instance.
The Savior, knowing something was afoot, but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged, suggested a programming contest to last from sunrise to sunset, to see who could solve the halting problem in the fewest lines of Perl code, with God Almighty as the judge.
Sparks flew from the keyboard, and a sublime glow emanated from the monitor of the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace, respectively, until five minutes before sunset, when a bolt of lightning flashed and the computers went dead.
A few minutes later God arrived and asked for the results. The Devil fumed and complained bitterly, as he had lost the whole day's work.
Jesus fared considerably better and won the contest because, as everyone knows, Jesus saves.
ID: 4480
Religious
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.
ID: 4241
Religious
A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."
ID: 639
Religious
Why is it that when we talk to God we call it
praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin
ID: 17392
Religious
A man was kneeling by his bed, praying.
His wife walks in and asks "Whatcha doin'?"
The man - once finishing - says "Praying."
"Whatcha prayin for?" says the lady. "Guidance."
"Don't pray for guidance, pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!"
ID: 14276
Religious
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
ID: 8325
Religious
Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill.
+10,000 Jokes