ID: 5532
Religious
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
ID: 17606
Religious
A minister told his friend Rabbi Goldman, "Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people — running, playing, talking, sitting — doing all sorts of things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up."
The rabbi said, "Really? Last night, I dreamed of the Protestant Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up."
"And how did the people behave?" asked the minister.
"What people?"
ID: 13248
Religious
A nice girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for a chat.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance.
"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.
"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."
"And children? How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"
"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
ID: 14615
Religious
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
AND THE #1 REASON YOU'LL KNOW YOUR TEENAGE AMISH SON IS IN TROUBLE IS:
1. He's wearing his big black hat BACKWARDS!!!
ID: 11629
Religious
Why did God make man first?
Because he didn't want to be interrupted by woman!
ID: 13367
Religious
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood.
The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.
The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine.
Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"
"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."
ID: 14289
Religious
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there, two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning, Sisters," and they reply, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest, who thought he had been very polite, but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning, Brother." The Brother replies, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest was very confused at this and goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning, Father." The priest replies, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No, I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says, "What?" The priest realised his mistake and said, "I am sorry, your holiness, what is it you want?" The bishop looks at him and says, "I was only going to ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
ID: 13670
Religious
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
ID: 14272
Religious
A preacher, who shall we say, was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit, and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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