ID: 4773
Religious
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
ID: 12130
Religious
Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.
"No," said the dying man.
"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"
"No," the man repeats.
"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.
"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody."
ID: 12068
Religious
In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say.
One year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed.
After the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, "Bed hard."
The priest frowned at him and ushered him away.
The next year the poor monk said in a sad voice,
"Food cold."
The priest scowled at him and told him to go away back to work.
The next year the monk said in a sad voice, "Quit job."
The priest suddenly shouted, "Finally! You've been here three years and all you've done is complain!"
ID: 13670
Religious
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
ID: 12557
Religious
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
ID: 10206
Religious
One day, two women and a man die. When they go to heaven, St. Peter tells them they could do whatever they want as long as they didn't step on a pink cloud.
One day, one of the three people were seen walking with two ugly men. "I tripped and fell on a pink cloud," she explained, "then **POOF** here he was."
The next day, the other woman was seen walking with an even uglier guy! She said, "I was pushed onto a pink cloud. Then **POOF** here was this gross guy."
A few days later, the two women, and their ugly men, saw the guy that had died walking with a gorgeous woman. They asked him what happened. He said, "Oh, she stepped on a pink cloud."
ID: 15925
Religious
Thanks for having me. I was excited to come back to Calvin, and I was just telling Laura the other night about what fun it would be to come to Calvin College. I said, you know, Laura, I love being around so many young folks. You know, it gives me a chance to relive my glory days in academia. (Laughter.) She said, George, that's not exactly how I would describe your college experience. (Laughter.) She also said one other thing I think the graduates will appreciate hearing, a good piece of advice. She said, the folks here are here to get their diploma, not to hear from an old guy go on too long. (Laughter.) So with that sage advice, here goes.
I bring a great message of hope and freedom to Calvin College Class of 2005: There is life after Professor Vanden Bosch and English 101. (Laughter.) Some day you will appreciate the grammar and verbal skills you learned here.
(Laughter and applause.) And if any of you wonder how far a mastery of the English language can take you, just look what it did for me. (Laughter and applause.)
ID: 2579
Religious
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
ID: 10387
Religious
My brother-in-law was a gay minister, so when his sister wanted a small, casual wedding, she asked him to officiate. He had never performed a marriage ceremony before, so he decided to ask his pastor for advice.
"My sister has asked me to marry her," he began, "and I'm not sure what I should do."
The minister answered, "Try telling her you just want to be friends."
+10,000 Jokes