ID: 15896
Religious
A young woman, flying home after Christmas, asked the priest sitting beside her if he would help her.
"I will assist you if I can; what seems to be the problem?" he asked. The young woman said, "I have a very expensive, top of the range hairdryer which my mother gave me for Christmas; it is still unopened, and well over the Customs allowance. Could you carry it through Customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?"
The priest said, "All right, I will help you, but I must warn you, I cannot lie."
At the Customs desk, an official asked the priest, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official pondered for a moment, and asked, "And do you have anything to declare from the waist down, Father?"
"I have a fantastic instrument which is designed to be used on a woman, but which is, at the moment, unused."
Through his laughter, the customs officer said, "Go on ahead, Father."
ID: 6900
Religious
A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?"
"I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply.
"You may enter" says the Angel.
Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000; I was a realtor."
He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn.
"My annual salary was $8,000."
"Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"
ID: 3362
Religious
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
ID: 1896
Religious
A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.''
The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...''
And the dad replied, ''Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn''t he?''
ID: 655
Religious
Two guys are sitting there enjoying the Saturday night baseball game. It is the top of the 2nd inning when suddenly they notice two Nuns arrive at the game. Lo and behold the Nuns enter the row in front of them and make there way along, of course sitting directly in front of them.
Well, their disgust was overwhelming... Nuns... at a baseball match!!! One of them immediately comes out with the comment "Go to a basketball game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?".
A little while on, the other of the two comments "Go to a football game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?".
Again, not more than five minutes later, the first one mentions "Go to a Ice Hockey game, you wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?".
Well that was obviously the breaking point and immediately one of the Nuns turned to the two men, bellowing "Go to hell! Ya won't find Nuns there either!!!"
ID: 717
Religious
A few minutes before the church services start the parishioners are sitting
in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the
church. Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
everyone is gone except for an elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew,
seemingly unaware that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
Satan walks up to the old man and asks, "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep," the old guy replies, "sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.
"Nope, sure ain't." says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute." says the old man.
"Don't you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, physical
AGONY for all eternity??" persists Satan.
"Yep." is the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??"
"Nope."
Frustrated and more than just a little perturbed now Satan asks, "Well,
why aren't you afraid of me???"
"I've been married to your sister for over 50 years"
ID: 1589
Religious
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes)
"Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes)
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes)
"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"
ID: 2427
Religious
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
ID: 2094
Religious
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
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