ID: 2658
Religious
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Turn from your sin).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
ID: 13097
Religious
How do you know if you're in a gay church?
If half the congregation is kneeling!
ID: 547
Religious
3 men die in a car crash and are sent to the pearly gates. Having all lived good lives, they were all allowed in but they had certain restrictions. God told them that he would ask them a question. They should answer truthfully and depending on how they answer they will receive a home and a vehicle.
God asked the first man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The man said, "None. Never once."
God says, "Good. For being faithful you get a mansion and a stretch limo with a chaffeur."
Then God asks the second man how many times he's cheated.
The man says, "Only twice."
God says, "That is bad but at least you lived the rest of your life well. Have a 2 story house and a nice SUV."
Then God asks the third man the same question as the first two.
The third man says, "Lord, 8 times. I am sorry."
God is appalled, but the man is still a good man and he lets him in with an apartment and a used station wagon.
Later the second and third man see the first man crying his eyes out.
They say, "You got the limo and a mansion; why are you crying?"
The man says, "Earlier today, I saw my wife on rollerblades!"
ID: 7120
Religious
A nun had to use the bathroom, so she went into a bar, the first place she could find. She noticed that every time the lights went out, everybody cheered.
She went up to the bartender and asked him why. He said she would be better off not knowing, so she asked where the bathroom is. He gave her directions.
When she got there she saw a big naked statue with a fig leaf covering you-know-where.
When she exited the bathroom everybody cheered. She asked the bartender why, and he replied,"Every time someone lifts the fig leaf, the lights go out."
ID: 3460
Religious
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years; and then they could only say two words.
The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His two words were "too cold".
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his two words were "bad food".
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his two words were "I quit".
"Good," they said, "all you have done is complain."
ID: 4103
Religious
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret, not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there,I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished; we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. Saint Peter," she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up"
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, then call me"
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!
ID: 3678
Religious
One day, John dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets the demon.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
John: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
John: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer...We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
John: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
John: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Allright! You're gonna love Tuesday. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
John: "Golly"
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
John: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
John: "Wow!"
Demon: "You like to use drugs?"
John: "Well, I love to use drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can use all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
John: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
John: "Uhhhhh, no!!"
Demon: "Ohhhh.... you're gonna hate Fridays...."
ID: 6358
Religious
These are actual announcements from church...
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser.
ID: 1626
Religious
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied; "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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