ID: 14010
Religious
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
ID: 717
Religious
A few minutes before the church services start the parishioners are sitting
in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the
church. Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
everyone is gone except for an elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew,
seemingly unaware that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
Satan walks up to the old man and asks, "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep," the old guy replies, "sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.
"Nope, sure ain't." says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute." says the old man.
"Don't you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, physical
AGONY for all eternity??" persists Satan.
"Yep." is the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??"
"Nope."
Frustrated and more than just a little perturbed now Satan asks, "Well,
why aren't you afraid of me???"
"I've been married to your sister for over 50 years"
ID: 3674
Religious
Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following:
"The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."
ID: 5624
Religious
It seems that upon passing away, a Texan found himself at the legendary Pearly Gates, and St. Peter himself was in attendance to personally greet him!
After the usual checklist and verifications, St. Peter made some small talk and commented that he had heard that in Texas, everything is big.
The Texan agreed and responded saying, "Yup, everything is big in Texas."
"Well," said St. Peter, "we've got some pretty big things up here in Heaven too."
He then led the Texan to a farm where cabbages were as big as Volkswagens and the carrots towered over them like redwood trees. "Pretty impressive eh?" said St. Peter.
The Texan smiled and remarked, "Yes sir Mr. Peter, they are some pretty big vegetables you've got here, but I've seen big vegetables before, back in Texas. Everything is really big in Texas," he repeated.
St. Peter then took the Texan to a far cloud and said, "look at this!" as he pointed downward.
It was there that the Texan saw an eternal lake of fire streching out across the horizon with no end in sight.
"Well, sir, what do you think of that?" inquired St. Peter. The Texan took one more look at incredible vastness of the roaring flames, and said to St. Peter, "That's a mighty big fire you've got going on down there Mr. Peter, but I'll tell you what; I know a couple of fellers over in Houston that can put that out for you."
ID: 3355
Religious
Having been raised a Catholic and having gone to church some time in my past, I think these are still verifiable!
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
ID: 4136
Religious
Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?
A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row, then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, "You're done, you're done, you're done, - - -"
ID: 4350
Religious
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
ID: 554
Religious
Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm even going to lose my car as well!"
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck. Back to the synagogue, "My God, why have you forsaken me so? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up. Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself.
"Jacob, my son.... meet me halfway on this one. Buy a goddamn ticket!"
ID: 1318
Religious
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to swear about?"
+10,000 Jokes