ID: 7656
Religious
Why was the cemetary so crowded?
Everyone was dying to get in!!!!
ID: 13050
Religious
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it every time he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks, "Who is our savior?" Wilma pokes him with the needle, and he yells out "JESUS!" Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is, "Who is Jesus's Father?" Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out "GOD!" and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is, "What did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?" Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells, "IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"
ID: 12291
Religious
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries; God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
ID: 17581
Religious
A man is rescued from a desert island after 20 years. The news media, amazed at this feat of survival, ask him to show them his home.
"How did you survive? How did you keep sane?" they ask him, as he shows them around the small island.
"I had my faith. My faith as a Jew kept me strong. Come." He leads them to a small glen, where stands an opulent temple, made entirely from palm fronds, coconut shells and woven grass. The news cameras take pictures of everything — even a torah made from banana leaves and written in octopus ink. "This took me five years to complete."
"Amazing! And what did you do for the next fifteen years?"
"Come with me." He leads them around to the far side of the island. There, in a shady grove, is an even more beautiful temple. "This one took me twelve years to complete!"
"But sir" asks the reporter, "Why did you build two temples?"
"This is the temple I attend. That other place? Hah! I wouldn't set foot in that other temple if you PAID me!"
ID: 14257
Religious
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer, so the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us golf pencils; each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
ID: 14276
Religious
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
ID: 8248
Religious
Q.) Why do homeless people love to go to church?
A.) There is always free water.
ID: 4364
Religious
A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, "If anything should go wrong--"
"Nothing will go wrong," said the Hindu. "But if it does, God will save me."
"Not a chance," the Buddhist said, "Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature." The Hindu scoffed at this.
The pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open.
"My God!" screamed the Hindu. "Save me!" But he continued to plummet.
Just then he heard the Buddhist say, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature." Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began lowering him to earth.
The terrified Hindu too cried out, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature!" With that, another giant hand appeared, cradled the Hindu in its palm and started gently lowering him to earth.
"Whew! That was a close one!" said the Hindu, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Thank God!" whereupon the giant hand turned over.
ID: 4605
Religious
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler...
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."!!
+10,000 Jokes