ID: 10567
Religious
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
ID: 8625
Religious
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for tests.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the birth of their first child.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
ID: 10691
Religious
Bob was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove Joe crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
Bob replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
Joe looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
Bob answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
ID: 10662
Religious
Both of the following men have cheated on their wives and have decided to take it to the Lord. One is a gangster and one is a Christian. This is their prayers....
Christian husband:
Dear Father Son and Holy Ghost,
I have sinned and am so sorry. I cheated on my wife with her best friend. Please allow my wife to forgive me for it was a long night and I didn't mean to hurt her.
Amen
Gangster husband:
Waz up Pops Pops Jr. and Spooks,
I cheated on my women last night. She is pissed off but I have a good reason for my actions. You see I'm a pimp in my old town and one of my leading ladies was having some trouble so you know, Lil' Willy down there make it all better. Well, my woman found out so you know let this blow over.
Gangster out
ID: 7437
Religious
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class went very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
ID: 10387
Religious
My brother-in-law was a gay minister, so when his sister wanted a small, casual wedding, she asked him to officiate. He had never performed a marriage ceremony before, so he decided to ask his pastor for advice.
"My sister has asked me to marry her," he began, "and I'm not sure what I should do."
The minister answered, "Try telling her you just want to be friends."
ID: 8577
Religious
>God made mud,<<<<
>>God made dirt,<<<<
>>>God made guys,<<
>>>>So girls can flirt!<
ID: 9745
Religious
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll crap!"
ID: 10663
Religious
A Catholic man was struck by a bus on a busy street. He was near death lying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.
"A priest! Somebody please get me a priest!" the man gasped. Minutes dragged on and no one stepped out of the crowd.
A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest, I'm not even a Christian, but for fifty years now I've been living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I overhear their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: "B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72"
+10,000 Jokes