ID: 1948
Religious
A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "Oh, about one penny."
Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him.
God replied, "Oh, about a second."
Then the man asked. "Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?"
God replied, "Sure, just wait a sec."
ID: 7021
Religious
Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."
ID: 15062
Religious
One Sunday morning, a man attended the service at the local church. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that he stopped to shake his hand. "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard," the man said.
"Thank you, sir," the Reverend replied, "but I must ask that you not use profanity in the Lord's house."
"Sorry, Reverend, I just can't help myself," said the man, "that was just such a damn good sermon."
"Sir, please," replied the Reverend. "Again I ask you not to use profanity in church."
"Okay, Reverend," the man said. "I just want you to know that I thought it was so damn good that I put $5000 in the collection plate."
"No shit!" exclaimed the Reverend.
ID: 4399
Religious
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
ID: 3098
Religious
There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, "Is that enough proof for you?"
They replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, "SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!"
She then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, "Well, it's still three to two."
ID: 292
Religious
One day, a cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,"You've been a good cat all of your life, anything you want is yours." The cat says"Well, I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor." Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat hops onto it and falls asleep.
A week later, five mice die and go to heaven as well. God meets them at the gate and makes them the same offer. They reply "All of our life, we've been chased by cats, dogs, and women with brooms. If only we didn't have to run anymore...." They are each fitted with a custom pair of roller skates.
A month later, God decides to check up on the cat. He asks "How are you doing? Are you happy?" Kitty answers " Life here is SUPER! Oh, and by the way, those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
ID: 377
Religious
A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you."
And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."
ID: 1298
Religious
Saddam and an American were in the bathroom peeing in the urinals. When the American was done, he was going to leave without washing his hands.
Saddam said, "You know, I learned to wash my hands."
The American replied, "Well, I learned not to pee on my hands."
ID: 4126
Religious
Always be well informed
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
+10,000 Jokes