ID: 4292
Religious
A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.
ID: 17615
Religious
An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?"
ID: 6079
Religious
When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Terry," he said, "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
ID: 866
Religious
"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?"
"Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"
ID: 4480
Religious
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.
ID: 7221
Religious
The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her."No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later." She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.
"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded.
"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!"
"Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives."
"Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"
ID: 4791
Religious
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?î
ID: 3467
Religious
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St Peter. I was looking forward to this. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forest, but the test has only three questions:
1)What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2)How many seconds are there in a year?
3)What is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T?' Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though and guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one: "How many seconds in a year?""
"Now that one's harder" says Forest, "but I thought and thought about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Aw, come on, St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second..."
"Hold it!" interrupts St. Peter, "I see where you're going with it. I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest replies, "Andy."
St. Peter then asks how in the world he came up with the name Andy.
Forest replies, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in Sunday School: "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own...."
ID: 3975
Religious
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
+10,000 Jokes