ID: 15654
Religious
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
ID: 3566
Religious
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
ID: 4538
Religious
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
ID: 4369
Religious
There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
ID: 3686
Religious
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mr. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied, "You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," she said
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father," and away she went.
Several years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful?" he said, "and how is your wonderful husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out your damned candle!"
ID: 3694
Religious
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked,
"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
ID: 4283
Religious
A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"
Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."
ID: 4100
Religious
A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
ID: 2583
Religious
A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.
He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.
"HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"
He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. "Jack, Jack, can you hear me?"
"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"
"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"
"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?"
"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."
"The Lord? You mean, GOD?"
"That's Me."
"God, please help me! I promise if you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."
"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk. Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."
"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."
"Okay. Let go of the branch."
"What?"
"I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."
There was a long silence.
Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"
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