ID: 15083
Religious
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offering.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offering, so the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"
ID: 12068
Religious
In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say.
One year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed.
After the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, "Bed hard."
The priest frowned at him and ushered him away.
The next year the poor monk said in a sad voice,
"Food cold."
The priest scowled at him and told him to go away back to work.
The next year the monk said in a sad voice, "Quit job."
The priest suddenly shouted, "Finally! You've been here three years and all you've done is complain!"
ID: 8248
Religious
Q.) Why do homeless people love to go to church?
A.) There is always free water.
ID: 8577
Religious
>God made mud,<<<<
>>God made dirt,<<<<
>>>God made guys,<<
>>>>So girls can flirt!<
ID: 13519
Religious
Why isn't God helping us? Some people ask this question. Well, here's an answer.
Billy Graham's daughter was being interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.
She said "I believe that God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman that He is, I believe that He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand that He leave us alone?"
I know there's been a lot of emails going around in regards to 9/11/01, but this really makes you think. If you don't have time, at least skim through it, but the bottom line is something to think about.... in light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.
Let's see, I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body was found recently) complained she didn't want any prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school... the Bible that says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said, OK.
Then, Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide), and we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we said OK.
Then, someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued (There's a big difference between disciplining and touching, beating, smacking, humiliating, kicking, etc.) And we said, OK.
Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, OK.
Then some school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said, OK.
Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs. And agreeing with them, we said it doesn't matter to me what anyone, including the President, does in private as long as I have a job and the economy is good.
And then someone said let's print magazines with pictures of nude women and call it wholesome, down-to-earth appreciation for the beauty of the female body. And we said, OK.
And then someone else took that appreciation a step further and published pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by making them available on the internet. And we said OK, they're entitled to their free speech.
And then the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. And let's record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes. And we said it's just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
"Dear God, Why didn't you save the little girl killed in her classroom?" Sincerely, Concerned Student... AND THE REPLY "Dear Concerned Student, I am not allowed in schools". Sincerely, God.
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.
Funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan who, by the way, also "believes" in God.
Funny how we are quick to judge but not to be judged.
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace. Funny how someone can be so fired up for worship once a week, but be invisible to their religion the rest of the week.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them. Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.
Are you thinking?
ID: 12133
Religious
A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"
ID: 12062
Religious
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas,
but there are more Catholic churches than casinos there.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fransiscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
ID: 12852
Religious
In a small town, an frightened man ran inside the local pub and shouted, "Does anyone here own a big black dog with a white collar?"
But no one answered and he said, "Oh my God,I must have run over the Vicar!"
ID: 9059
Religious
A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a park talking. A young boy walks by, the priest says "Hey, you want to screw him?" and the rabbi says "Out of what?"
+10,000 Jokes