ID: 15083
Religious
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offering.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offering, so the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"
ID: 15247
Religious
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, and then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as
your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"And the bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
ID: 17159
Religious
whats hitlers least favourite planet ? - jewpiter
ID: 15074
Religious
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and - POOF - she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and - POOF - she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Virginia Pepalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No, Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"
ID: 15063
Religious
Attending her first confession, the new nun tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
"Sister Dominique," the priest says, your secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional."
"Father," she says, "I never wear underwear under my habit."
With a little chuckle, the priest says, "That is not too serious, Sister Dominique. For penance, say three Hail Marys, three Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
ID: 17611
Religious
An old Armenian is on his deathbed: "My children, remember to defend the Jews."
"Why Jews?"
"Because if they are gone, we will be next."
ID: 16516
Religious
Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices?
They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!
ID: 15246
Religious
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What, are you crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
ID: 15896
Religious
A young woman, flying home after Christmas, asked the priest sitting beside her if he would help her.
"I will assist you if I can; what seems to be the problem?" he asked. The young woman said, "I have a very expensive, top of the range hairdryer which my mother gave me for Christmas; it is still unopened, and well over the Customs allowance. Could you carry it through Customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?"
The priest said, "All right, I will help you, but I must warn you, I cannot lie."
At the Customs desk, an official asked the priest, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official pondered for a moment, and asked, "And do you have anything to declare from the waist down, Father?"
"I have a fantastic instrument which is designed to be used on a woman, but which is, at the moment, unused."
Through his laughter, the customs officer said, "Go on ahead, Father."
+10,000 Jokes