ID: 14294
Religious
A drunk lay slumped outside a bar, in serious need of a drink.
A passing priest and bishop started to lecture him on the evils of alcohol.
"You should be more like God, like me," said one.
The other argued, "No, my son, more like me. I am more like God."
The two holy men then argued over which was more like God.
Finally, the drunk interrupted. "I'm more like God than either of you arguing hypocrites, and if you give me ten bucks, I'll prove it!"
They accepted his challenge and each handed him five dollars. As the drunk stood, he said, "You two go sit in the bar and when I enter you'll have your proof." The bishop entered first and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, Bishop, what'll you have?" Then the priest entered and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, Father, what'll you have?"
Finally, the drunk came in waving his ten dollars.
The bartender shrugged, "Oh, God, not you again!"
ID: 590
Religious
A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives Satan gives him a choice of what eternal punishment he'll be given.
They go to a wall with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door and there are people standing on their heads on blocks of ice.
The man says, "No way, I cant do this punishment." So they move on to the next room.
Satan opens the second door and there are people standing on their heads on a brick floor.
The man says, "No way, that would give me headaches forever." So they move on to the next room.
Satan opens the door and inside there are people sitting in cow manure drinking tea and eating cookies.
The man figures it can't be that bad so he chooses to spend eternity in that room.
Just before Satan closes the door he yells back, "Alrite break time is over! Back on your heads!"
ID: 4774
Religious
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
ID: 3614
Religious
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
ID: 1852
Religious
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
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And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
ID: 3466
Religious
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, the two priests went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare but when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning, Father; good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day, the two priests went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them, and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father; good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know; how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"
ID: 4103
Religious
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret, not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there,I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished; we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. Saint Peter," she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up"
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, then call me"
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!
ID: 4350
Religious
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
ID: 72
Religious
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
"Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes on that bridge or four?"
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