ID: 18088
Religious
god told moses to come forth but he tripped on a banana peel and came fifth
ID: 359
Religious
Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says "What have you done bad in your life son".
The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother."
The priest says,"Take one sip of holy water."
The second boys goes up to the priest and the priest asks, "What have you done bad in your life son?"
The boy responds with, "I've stolen something".
The priest says "Take two sips of holy water."
After every sip the third boy is laughing his head off.
So the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son"
The boy responds with, "I peed in the holy water."
ID: 7232
Religious
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.
*****
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
*****
Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
*****
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
ID: 639
Religious
Why is it that when we talk to God we call it
praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin
ID: 660
Religious
Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the "Rev" Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. and Mrs. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclains Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
ID: 772
Religious
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
ID: 1578
Religious
Three ministers were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church.
The first minister said, "I shot at them with a shotgun, but it only spoiled the woodwork."
The second said, "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"
The third (who was looking pretty smug) said, "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."
ID: 1238
Religious
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
ID: 61
Religious
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
+10,000 Jokes