RELIGIOUS

ID: 15915

Religious

Q&A of China

Do Chinese eat dogs?
Yes. And cats. Especially on our "Thanks receiving" day. Besides, turkeys are our favorite pets. In China only the most uneducated eat turkeys.

China is becoming strong. Does your government want to take over the world?
Yes, absolutely. As soon as we become powerful, we will invade Iraq and Afghanistan.

Why doesn't your government give Tibet back to its monks?
Because the monks want to help the Seminoles take back Florida.

Are the products made in China very cheap?
Yes. Were we using slaves, the price would be even cheaper.

Why you are the only kid in your family?
Because my parents don't fuck with everybody.

You have 1.4 billion people. Now what do you want to do with it?
Find a new planet. Kill the native people there, and move in.

ID: 15064

Religious

Dough Nations

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
He gave the organist a copy of the service and asked her if she could come up with some kind of inspirational music to play, after he made the announcement about the finances, to help put the congregation in a giving mood.

"Don't worry, I'll come up with something," she said.

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we find ourselves in great difficulty. The cost of the roof repairs is twice as much as we expected, and we need $4000 more. Any of you who are able to pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the organist began playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."

ID: 11517

Religious

The Train Journey

Two elderly priests and a young novitiate were at the railway station to buy train tickets to Pittsburgh.

The young lady selling tickets was very pretty, and was wearing a rather low-cut dress which showed her ample mammaries to great advantage.

The novitiate approached the ticket booth and said, "Three tickets to Tittsville, please." "How dare you?" remonstrated the ticket seller.

The young novitiate blushes and retires in confusion, so one of the priests says, "Allow me. Three pickets to Tittsburgh, and please may I have the change in nipples an dimes."

He also retreats in embarrasment, so the eldest priest attempts to calm the now angry ticket seller.

"Three tickets to Pittsburgh, please, and you should cover up more than you are, or Saint Finger is going to shake his peter at you!"

ID: 17783

Religious

Let There Be Light

God said "Let there be light."

Chuck Norris said "Say please."

ID: 17580

Religious

Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel

Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel, an Orthodox scholar of the Torah and a man who developed whining to an art unheard of in the West, was unanimously hailed as the wisest man of the Renaissance by his fellow Hebrews, who totaled a sixteenth of one per cent of the population. Once, while he was on his way to synagogue to celebrate the sacred Jewish holiday commemorating God's reneging on every promise, a woman stopped him and asked the following question: 'Rabbi, why are we not allowed to eat pork?'
'We're not?' the Rev said incredulously. 'Uh-oh.'

ID: 14010

Religious

Three Hymns

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

ID: 11935

Religious

The Train Journey II

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip one priest says, "Well, we've worked together for many years now, but we don't really know each other. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins to get better acquainted."

They look nervously at one another, but agree.
The first priest says, "Since it was my idea, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year, I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself senseless for a few days; get it out of my system."

They look at one another again, and eventually the next priest stands up. "Well, with me it's gambling. Every now and then, I nick some money from the poor box, and go to the races. Gamble the lot; but I've got it out of my system."

The third priest nervously stands up and says, "This is very difficult for me. My sin is much worse; I take off my collar and go to the red light district, pick up a girl, and spend a whole week with her; but I've got it out of my system."

They all look at the fourth priest. "Come on, we've all told our worst sins, now it's your turn."

"Well," he starts, "I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

ID: 13102

Religious

Cute Fart

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

ID: 7335

Religious

Muslim Air Mattress?

Did you hear about the new muslim air mattress?

It blows itself up.

VIEW MORE ON APP