ID: 18088
Religious
god told moses to come forth but he tripped on a banana peel and came fifth
ID: 4605
Religious
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler...
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."!!
ID: 2114
Religious
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
ID: 2576
Religious
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
Adam said, "What is a caress?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went behind the bush with Eve, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"
ID: 3391
Religious
Little Johnny was giving confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
ID: 2101
Religious
There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.
Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drove off.
The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.
Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
The person in the boat then left.
The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim said, "That's okay."
The woman said, "Are you sure?"
Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."
Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.
Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
ID: 370
Religious
There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been really good friends for a long time. Well, one day the deacon got sick and was taken to hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had going into the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, "How ya doing?" The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. "You want that?" the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. "He was a good man and I'll never forget him," the preacher said, "I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here." The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. "Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!"
ID: 3273
Religious
On Halloween, a taxi-driver saw a nun standing at the side of the road. He pulled over, and asked if he could help her. The nun said she needed to get to the mission. The taxi-driver said "I'll give you a ride for free tonight, because you don't know what kind of crazy people are running around." The nun agreed, thanked him, and they drove off. When they were about half-way there, the taxi-driver said to the nun "You know sister, I've always had this fanasy about being kissed by a nun." The nun said "Well, you've been so kind to me, I could do that, but only on three conditions. You have to be Catholic, single, and it can't be in public." The taxi-driver thought about this for a minute, then asked if an alley would work. The nun said that would be fine, so he pulled into the nearest alley. The nun crawled into the front seat and gave him a long, passionate kiss. After this, the taxi-driver smiled and drove on. A few minutes later, his smile turned to a frown, and he said " I have a confession sister. I'm really Jewish and I'm married." The nun looked at him and said "That's okay. I'm Kevin, and I'm on my way to a costume party."
ID: 3454
Religious
A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three-year-old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?"
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