ID: 16782
Religious
[Jesus signed on at 11:29 pm.]
Jesus: Hello and welcome to the kingdom of heaven!
Bob: Oh wow you mean I can come in?
Jesus: All are welcome. Tell me what is the way you died?
Bob: Well I was in a coma. Half my family wanted me on life support half didn't.
Jesus: I see...
Bob: Oh crap brb
[Bob went away at 11:31 pm.]
Jesus: ? :(
[Bob came back at 11:45 pm.]
Bob: Sorry other half of the family
Jesus: I see... now this is-
Bob: brb
[Bob went away at 11:47 pm.]
Jesus: ...
[Bob came back at 11:59 pm.]
Bob: They just can't make up their minds!
Jesus: Clearly...
Bob: So Heaven eh?
Jesus: Yea it's the most
[Bob went away at 12:02 am]
Jesus: Screw this.
[Jesus signed out at 12:03 am.]
[Bob came back at 12:17 am]
Bob: Jesus they decided to let me die!
Bob: Both sides agreed...
Bob: Jesus?
Bob: You there?
[Satan signed in at 12:19 am]
ID: 2665
Religious
A little girl and her father decided to go to church, because her father wanted to introduce her to the Christian World. As they sat down, a collection plate begins to be passed around. As the plate came to the girl's father, he searches his pockets for money. Then his daughter whispers in his ear, "Don't worry Daddy, I'm already free and covered.... I'm under 5."
ID: 9745
Religious
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll crap!"
ID: 3921
Religious
Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
Sarah responded, "Well ... He WAS wearing a hat."
ID: 12802
Religious
What is Jewish beer called?
He Brew!!
ID: 12043
Religious
One day a man was walking down the road and saw the priest also walking. Since he knows the priest usually rides a bike he asks where it is.
"Well, I woke up this morning and couldn't find it," he replies.
"Oh. Well, here is an idea. When you go over the Ten Commandments in your sermon this morning, bear down real hard on Thou shall not steal. Then, whoever took it will feel guilty and give it back."
"Great idea!"
Well, that afternoon the man sees the priest riding his bike. "I see they gave it back to you. I knew my idea would work!" he says.
"Well, actually I went through the Ten Commandments like you said, but when I got to Thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike!"
ID: 14615
Religious
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
AND THE #1 REASON YOU'LL KNOW YOUR TEENAGE AMISH SON IS IN TROUBLE IS:
1. He's wearing his big black hat BACKWARDS!!!
ID: 4667
Religious
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
ID: 8248
Religious
Q.) Why do homeless people love to go to church?
A.) There is always free water.
+10,000 Jokes