ID: 4116
Religious
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
ID: 12615
Religious
God was in Heaven and was getting particularly bored. "Oh what can I do?" he exclaimed.
St. Peter came up to him and suggested he take a vacation.
"That's a great idea, but where should I go?" asked God.
"How about the moon?" suggested St. Peter.
"Well, I could, but there's no gravity on the moon," stated God
"Then how about the Earth?"
When St. Peter said this God's eyes widened and he said, "Are you mad? I went there 2000 years ago, met a nice Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!"
ID: 17600
Religious
An old Jewish man riding on a train begins to moan: "Oy, am I thirsty; oy, am I thirsty", to the annoyance of the other passengers. Finally, another passenger gets a cup of water from the drinking fountain and gives it to the old man, who thanks him profusely and gulps it down. Feeling satisfied, the other passenger sits down again, only to hear "Oy, was I thirsty; oy, was I thirsty".
ID: 4774
Religious
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
ID: 15069
Religious
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together.
"Oh, this is awful," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in."
Suddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. "Lucifer," he said, "this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a couple of days. What do you say?"
The devil was reluctant, but he agreed.
Two days later, St. Peter received a call. "Peter, this is Lucifer. Listen, you have to come and get these three clowns. The Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and the Roberts guy has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"
ID: 17515
Religious
What do you get when you cross an Ossi with a Wessi? An arrogant unemployed person.
ID: 292
Religious
One day, a cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,"You've been a good cat all of your life, anything you want is yours." The cat says"Well, I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor." Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat hops onto it and falls asleep.
A week later, five mice die and go to heaven as well. God meets them at the gate and makes them the same offer. They reply "All of our life, we've been chased by cats, dogs, and women with brooms. If only we didn't have to run anymore...." They are each fitted with a custom pair of roller skates.
A month later, God decides to check up on the cat. He asks "How are you doing? Are you happy?" Kitty answers " Life here is SUPER! Oh, and by the way, those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
ID: 16024
Religious
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"
ID: 11972
Religious
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
"It's Christmas, Eve!"
+10,000 Jokes