ID: 17515
Religious
What do you get when you cross an Ossi with a Wessi? An arrogant unemployed person.
ID: 15088
Religious
A group of nuns was traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"
"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."
"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."
Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son ... " but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."
At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.
Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
ID: 3921
Religious
Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
Sarah responded, "Well ... He WAS wearing a hat."
ID: 15925
Religious
Thanks for having me. I was excited to come back to Calvin, and I was just telling Laura the other night about what fun it would be to come to Calvin College. I said, you know, Laura, I love being around so many young folks. You know, it gives me a chance to relive my glory days in academia. (Laughter.) She said, George, that's not exactly how I would describe your college experience. (Laughter.) She also said one other thing I think the graduates will appreciate hearing, a good piece of advice. She said, the folks here are here to get their diploma, not to hear from an old guy go on too long. (Laughter.) So with that sage advice, here goes.
I bring a great message of hope and freedom to Calvin College Class of 2005: There is life after Professor Vanden Bosch and English 101. (Laughter.) Some day you will appreciate the grammar and verbal skills you learned here.
(Laughter and applause.) And if any of you wonder how far a mastery of the English language can take you, just look what it did for me. (Laughter and applause.)
ID: 5458
Religious
Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.
ID: 17159
Religious
whats hitlers least favourite planet ? - jewpiter
ID: 17512
Religious
Why are there so many bananas in the West? Because the Westerners are descended from apes.
ID: 14953
Religious
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" the pro asked.
The priest replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
ID: 3273
Religious
On Halloween, a taxi-driver saw a nun standing at the side of the road. He pulled over, and asked if he could help her. The nun said she needed to get to the mission. The taxi-driver said "I'll give you a ride for free tonight, because you don't know what kind of crazy people are running around." The nun agreed, thanked him, and they drove off. When they were about half-way there, the taxi-driver said to the nun "You know sister, I've always had this fanasy about being kissed by a nun." The nun said "Well, you've been so kind to me, I could do that, but only on three conditions. You have to be Catholic, single, and it can't be in public." The taxi-driver thought about this for a minute, then asked if an alley would work. The nun said that would be fine, so he pulled into the nearest alley. The nun crawled into the front seat and gave him a long, passionate kiss. After this, the taxi-driver smiled and drove on. A few minutes later, his smile turned to a frown, and he said " I have a confession sister. I'm really Jewish and I'm married." The nun looked at him and said "That's okay. I'm Kevin, and I'm on my way to a costume party."
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