ID: 13102
Religious
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
ID: 8167
Religious
Pedro was driving down the street, in a panic, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."
ID: 10206
Religious
One day, two women and a man die. When they go to heaven, St. Peter tells them they could do whatever they want as long as they didn't step on a pink cloud.
One day, one of the three people were seen walking with two ugly men. "I tripped and fell on a pink cloud," she explained, "then **POOF** here he was."
The next day, the other woman was seen walking with an even uglier guy! She said, "I was pushed onto a pink cloud. Then **POOF** here was this gross guy."
A few days later, the two women, and their ugly men, saw the guy that had died walking with a gorgeous woman. They asked him what happened. He said, "Oh, she stepped on a pink cloud."
ID: 13637
Religious
A man died and went to heaven, he went to the golden gates, and saw God. He didn't know who God was, so he took one look and said, "My god, Who the hell are you?"
ID: 15530
Religious
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The nun answered, "That would be good, but I'd be uneasy about purchasing it." The 1st nun said she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look on her face, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
ID: 12557
Religious
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
ID: 9817
Religious
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and with drew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the chorus. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the chorus director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
ID: 11935
Religious
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip one priest says, "Well, we've worked together for many years now, but we don't really know each other. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins to get better acquainted."
They look nervously at one another, but agree.
The first priest says, "Since it was my idea, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year, I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself senseless for a few days; get it out of my system."
They look at one another again, and eventually the next priest stands up. "Well, with me it's gambling. Every now and then, I nick some money from the poor box, and go to the races. Gamble the lot; but I've got it out of my system."
The third priest nervously stands up and says, "This is very difficult for me. My sin is much worse; I take off my collar and go to the red light district, pick up a girl, and spend a whole week with her; but I've got it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest. "Come on, we've all told our worst sins, now it's your turn."
"Well," he starts, "I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
ID: 8892
Religious
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunken man answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunken man replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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