ID: 15427
Religious
People who want to inform you of their religious views almost never want to hear yours.
ID: 17838
Religious
Man- "Jesus Christ! I can't open this hard drive."
Jesus- "Use the torx, Luke."
ID: 15074
Religious
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and - POOF - she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and - POOF - she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Virginia Pepalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No, Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"
ID: 17392
Religious
A man was kneeling by his bed, praying.
His wife walks in and asks "Whatcha doin'?"
The man - once finishing - says "Praying."
"Whatcha prayin for?" says the lady. "Guidance."
"Don't pray for guidance, pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!"
ID: 17325
Religious
Once there was a large group of mexicans who made a club called the I love Mayonnaise Club. And they made this club days before the titanic set sail. And on the titanic there was a large, large case of mayonnaise. And later when the titanic sank, this group was very sad so they formed a holiday called "Sink-o Da-Mayo"
ID: 15076
Religious
A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Oahu for a week, all expenses paid. When he enters his hotel room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am extremely angry with you."
Hearing this, the girl immediately gets up and starts to get dressed.
He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you..."
ID: 15680
Religious
In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep. And the Devil said, 'It doesn't get any better than this.'
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female created He them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit
And God populated earth
with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created Fast Food Giants.
And Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger.
And Devil said to Man, 'You want fries with that?'
And Man said, 'Super-size them.'
And Man gain five pounds.
And God said'Why doth thou eat thus?'
I have sent the heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them.'
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So man would not have to toil to change channels between Sky Sports 1 and Sky Sports 2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchful centre into chips and deep fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Devil saw it and said,'It is good.'
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of chocolates,
And upon returning asked Man, 'Do I look fat?'
And the Devil said, 'Always tell the truth.'
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counsellor.
And the Devil said,'It really doesn't get any better than this.'
ID: 16169
Religious
A priest wanted to go to the post office, so he asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office.
The priest said to the boy, "Thank you. Come to the church tomorrow and I will show you the way to Heaven."
The boy turned and said, "But you don't even know the way to the post office."
ID: 15530
Religious
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The nun answered, "That would be good, but I'd be uneasy about purchasing it." The 1st nun said she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look on her face, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
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