RELIGIOUS

Harley's

The founder of the Harley  Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went  to heaven.   

At the gates, St. Peter told  Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the  world.

Your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want in Heaven."  

Arthur thought about it for a  minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the  Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and  commented,

"So you were the one who  invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"  

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's  me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something  that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a  road!?!"

Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse  me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah,  yes."

"Well," said Arthur,  "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your  invention:   

1. there's too much  inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at  high speeds;   

3. Most of the rear ends are  too soft and wobble too  much;   

4. The intake is placed way too close to  the  exhaust;   

5. And the maintenance costs are  outrageous!!   

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,  "hold on."   God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a  few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read  it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said  to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention  than yours.

Saved By Buddha Nature

A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, "If anything should go wrong--"

"Nothing will go wrong," said the Hindu. "But if it does, God will save me."

"Not a chance," the Buddhist said, "Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature." The Hindu scoffed at this.

The pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open.

"My God!" screamed the Hindu. "Save me!" But he continued to plummet.

Just then he heard the Buddhist say, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature." Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began lowering him to earth.

The terrified Hindu too cried out, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature!" With that, another giant hand appeared, cradled the Hindu in its palm and started gently lowering him to earth.

"Whew! That was a close one!" said the Hindu, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Thank God!" whereupon the giant hand turned over.

An Exasperated Mother...

What Do You Call

What is Jewish beer called?

He Brew!!

The Sexton of the Synagogue

The sexton of the synagogue decided to install a poor box so that the fortunate might share their wealth with the needy. On shabbes eve, he announced to the congregation that a new opportunity for mitzvoh was available. "But," one member complained, "it will be so easy for the goneffs (thieves) to steal from the box." The sexton thought long and hard that night, and announced the next day that he had found a solution. Pointing upward, he showed, the poor box was now suspended from a chain at the ceiling, high, high, high overhead. "But now how do we put money in the box?"
The next week, the congregation saw the wonderful solution. A lovely circular stairway now ascended to the poor box making it easy to contribute.

Windows Vista

Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: "But father, we don't have enough memory for that!"

"Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM."

Jesus and Drugs

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?" "It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
another knock ...
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
This continues for a while until finally there's a 12th knock on the door"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FBI!"

Put Me Up

Jesus walks into an inn puts 3 nails on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Lunch Break

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.

'I am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'