ID: 15896
Religious
A young woman, flying home after Christmas, asked the priest sitting beside her if he would help her.
"I will assist you if I can; what seems to be the problem?" he asked. The young woman said, "I have a very expensive, top of the range hairdryer which my mother gave me for Christmas; it is still unopened, and well over the Customs allowance. Could you carry it through Customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?"
The priest said, "All right, I will help you, but I must warn you, I cannot lie."
At the Customs desk, an official asked the priest, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official pondered for a moment, and asked, "And do you have anything to declare from the waist down, Father?"
"I have a fantastic instrument which is designed to be used on a woman, but which is, at the moment, unused."
Through his laughter, the customs officer said, "Go on ahead, Father."
ID: 2658
Religious
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Turn from your sin).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
ID: 3674
Religious
Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following:
"The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."
ID: 3921
Religious
Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
Sarah responded, "Well ... He WAS wearing a hat."
ID: 547
Religious
3 men die in a car crash and are sent to the pearly gates. Having all lived good lives, they were all allowed in but they had certain restrictions. God told them that he would ask them a question. They should answer truthfully and depending on how they answer they will receive a home and a vehicle.
God asked the first man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The man said, "None. Never once."
God says, "Good. For being faithful you get a mansion and a stretch limo with a chaffeur."
Then God asks the second man how many times he's cheated.
The man says, "Only twice."
God says, "That is bad but at least you lived the rest of your life well. Have a 2 story house and a nice SUV."
Then God asks the third man the same question as the first two.
The third man says, "Lord, 8 times. I am sorry."
God is appalled, but the man is still a good man and he lets him in with an apartment and a used station wagon.
Later the second and third man see the first man crying his eyes out.
They say, "You got the limo and a mansion; why are you crying?"
The man says, "Earlier today, I saw my wife on rollerblades!"
ID: 4113
Religious
-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.
-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.
-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.
-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.
ID: 349
Religious
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty.
A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?"
On hearing this, the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says, "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business?"
ID: 4255
Religious
A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, "I hate porridge." A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, "I like porridge." Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says...
"Would you two stop this constant bickering!"
ID: 7120
Religious
A nun had to use the bathroom, so she went into a bar, the first place she could find. She noticed that every time the lights went out, everybody cheered.
She went up to the bartender and asked him why. He said she would be better off not knowing, so she asked where the bathroom is. He gave her directions.
When she got there she saw a big naked statue with a fig leaf covering you-know-where.
When she exited the bathroom everybody cheered. She asked the bartender why, and he replied,"Every time someone lifts the fig leaf, the lights go out."
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