ID: 13670
Religious
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
ID: 7624
Religious
A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
ID: 7626
Religious
Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked.
"I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-Eight." She replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
ID: 15074
Religious
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and - POOF - she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and - POOF - she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Virginia Pepalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No, Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"
ID: 15920
Religious
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."
ID: 15244
Religious
Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: "But father, we don't have enough memory for that!"
"Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM."
ID: 15427
Religious
People who want to inform you of their religious views almost never want to hear yours.
ID: 15069
Religious
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together.
"Oh, this is awful," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in."
Suddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. "Lucifer," he said, "this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a couple of days. What do you say?"
The devil was reluctant, but he agreed.
Two days later, St. Peter received a call. "Peter, this is Lucifer. Listen, you have to come and get these three clowns. The Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and the Roberts guy has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"
ID: 17573
Religious
During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumour going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!"
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