ID: 4256
Religious
Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.
The first minister says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on each side, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine."
The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine."
They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. "Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third.
"Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor."
ID: 1989
Religious
-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
-Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.
-Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
-Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.
-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
-The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her.
-On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
ID: 2427
Religious
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
ID: 17615
Religious
An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?"
ID: 554
Religious
Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm even going to lose my car as well!"
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck. Back to the synagogue, "My God, why have you forsaken me so? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up. Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself.
"Jacob, my son.... meet me halfway on this one. Buy a goddamn ticket!"
ID: 4538
Religious
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
ID: 3739
Religious
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
ID: 5815
Religious
The founder of the Harley  Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went  to heaven.  ÂÂ
At the gates, St. Peter told  Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the  world.
Your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want in Heaven." ÂÂ
Arthur thought about it for a  minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the  Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and  commented,
"So you were the one who  invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?" ÂÂ
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's  me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something  that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a  road!?!"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse  me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah,  yes."
"Well," said Arthur,  "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your  invention:  ÂÂ
1. there's too much  inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at  high speeds;  ÂÂ
3. Most of the rear ends are  too soft and wobble too  much;  ÂÂ
4. The intake is placed way too close to  the  exhaust;  ÂÂ
5. And the maintenance costs are  outrageous!!  ÂÂ
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,  "hold on."   God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a  few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read  it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said  to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention  than yours.
ID: 471
Religious
Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down...
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