ID: 13267
Religious
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
ID: 4251
Religious
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.
"Hello? Hello?"
Jesus replied, "Who is it?"
"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.
Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"
The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"
ID: 4885
Religious
Five days before Christmas, Santa was having a horrible day. And by horrible, I mean his wife was sick with the flu, 23 elfs called in sick, and nothing was getting done, so they were really behind schedule.
*Knock-Knock,* Santa heard, so he went to go open the door. There was an Angel carrying a christmas tree. "Where would you like me to put this?" asked the angel.
And that is why the Angel is put on top of the Christmas tree.
ID: 15925
Religious
Thanks for having me. I was excited to come back to Calvin, and I was just telling Laura the other night about what fun it would be to come to Calvin College. I said, you know, Laura, I love being around so many young folks. You know, it gives me a chance to relive my glory days in academia. (Laughter.) She said, George, that's not exactly how I would describe your college experience. (Laughter.) She also said one other thing I think the graduates will appreciate hearing, a good piece of advice. She said, the folks here are here to get their diploma, not to hear from an old guy go on too long. (Laughter.) So with that sage advice, here goes.
I bring a great message of hope and freedom to Calvin College Class of 2005: There is life after Professor Vanden Bosch and English 101. (Laughter.) Some day you will appreciate the grammar and verbal skills you learned here.
(Laughter and applause.) And if any of you wonder how far a mastery of the English language can take you, just look what it did for me. (Laughter and applause.)
ID: 4283
Religious
A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"
Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."
ID: 12829
Religious
Q: What was Jesus when he was resurrected?
A: A Born Again Christian
ID: 4278
Religious
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
ID: 4132
Religious
"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.
"Art who?" asked the boy's mother.
"Art in heaven," came the reply.
ID: 10967
Religious
A guy goes in an adult book store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female."
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White."
Counter guy asks, "Radical Christian or Muslim Extremist?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim Extremist blows itself up."
+10,000 Jokes