ID: 7060
Religious
A young girl had just begun to go to a new Christian church group.
She had been going for a couple of weeks now, and at one session their leaders were talking about when they found Jesus in their lives.
One of her leaders had started saying: "When I was your age, I had just gotten Jesus in my life."
She replied, "Well, how long has it been that you have had Jesus in your life?"
He replied, "35 years of my life."
Then she said,"God Damn, that's a long time"
ID: 17575
Religious
Post-Soviet Russia. Rabinovich calls the Pamyat headquarters: "Is it true that we Jews sold out Mother Russia?" In return he hears an affirmation accompanied by antisemitic slurs. "Oh good. So where can I get my share?"
ID: 2094
Religious
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
ID: 17580
Religious
Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel, an Orthodox scholar of the Torah and a man who developed whining to an art unheard of in the West, was unanimously hailed as the wisest man of the Renaissance by his fellow Hebrews, who totaled a sixteenth of one per cent of the population. Once, while he was on his way to synagogue to celebrate the sacred Jewish holiday commemorating God's reneging on every promise, a woman stopped him and asked the following question: 'Rabbi, why are we not allowed to eat pork?'
'We're not?' the Rev said incredulously. 'Uh-oh.'
ID: 17615
Religious
An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?"
ID: 9745
Religious
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll crap!"
ID: 7233
Religious
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
ID: 15071
Religious
A parish priest calls the Mother Superior into his office and says, "There is something I must show you. Please come into my private room and close the blinds."
"Father!" exclaims the shocked Mother Superior. "What did you say?"
"What I said was ... " the priest begins.
"I heard what you said ... I just can't believe you're saying it," interrupts the Mother Superior.
"Well, I really need you to come in," the priest says. Curious now, she does as he asks.
"Here now, sit on the bed beside me," he says.
"I must get out of here," the nun replies.
"Aren't you the least bit curious?" asks the priest. She is, so she cautiously sits down beside him.
"Now get under the covers," instructs the priest.
"I can't do that!" she replies.
"But it doesn't work otherwise," the priest says. After much coaxing, she gets under the covers with him.
"Now, come closer," he whispers. Nervously, she moves closer to him.
"See, my new watch does glow in the dark!!" he whispers happily.
ID: 17614
Religious
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
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