ID: 3921
Religious
Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
Sarah responded, "Well ... He WAS wearing a hat."
ID: 16266
Religious
The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a tribe in Borneo.
The missionary asked the chief, "Do you people know anything about religion?"
After a pause, the chief answered, "We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here."
ID: 15089
Religious
One day, God was talking to St. Peter.
God said, "I am not very happy with all the sinners in the world. I should send a letter to each of them and tell them what they are doing wrong and they must stop, or they will not come to Heaven when they die."
"I have a better idea," St. Peter said. "We should send letters to all the people who are doing good things and congratulate them on being accepted into Heaven when they pass on."
God agreed, so they sent out the letters. Do you know what the letters said?
What, you mean you didn't get one?
ID: 17354
Religious
The "bishop" came to our church today
The was a fucken impostor
He never once moved diagonally
ID: 18134
Religious
Mik:Darn it! There's only 2 chips in my bowl.Damn you,chips!
Mak: Aargh! you made me so angry I am gonna punch them!
Mak punches the chips.
Mik: WHOAH! you made 2 big chips into 20 small ones!
Mak: I AM JESUS OF THE DORITOS!!
ID: 4136
Religious
Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?
A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row, then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, "You're done, you're done, you're done, - - -"
ID: 15680
Religious
In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep. And the Devil said, 'It doesn't get any better than this.'
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female created He them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit
And God populated earth
with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created Fast Food Giants.
And Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger.
And Devil said to Man, 'You want fries with that?'
And Man said, 'Super-size them.'
And Man gain five pounds.
And God said'Why doth thou eat thus?'
I have sent the heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them.'
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So man would not have to toil to change channels between Sky Sports 1 and Sky Sports 2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchful centre into chips and deep fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Devil saw it and said,'It is good.'
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of chocolates,
And upon returning asked Man, 'Do I look fat?'
And the Devil said, 'Always tell the truth.'
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counsellor.
And the Devil said,'It really doesn't get any better than this.'
ID: 16173
Religious
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.
"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
ID: 4538
Religious
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
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