ID: 60
Religious
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...
The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed."
ID: 16782
Religious
[Jesus signed on at 11:29 pm.]
Jesus: Hello and welcome to the kingdom of heaven!
Bob: Oh wow you mean I can come in?
Jesus: All are welcome. Tell me what is the way you died?
Bob: Well I was in a coma. Half my family wanted me on life support half didn't.
Jesus: I see...
Bob: Oh crap brb
[Bob went away at 11:31 pm.]
Jesus: ? :(
[Bob came back at 11:45 pm.]
Bob: Sorry other half of the family
Jesus: I see... now this is-
Bob: brb
[Bob went away at 11:47 pm.]
Jesus: ...
[Bob came back at 11:59 pm.]
Bob: They just can't make up their minds!
Jesus: Clearly...
Bob: So Heaven eh?
Jesus: Yea it's the most
[Bob went away at 12:02 am]
Jesus: Screw this.
[Jesus signed out at 12:03 am.]
[Bob came back at 12:17 am]
Bob: Jesus they decided to let me die!
Bob: Both sides agreed...
Bob: Jesus?
Bob: You there?
[Satan signed in at 12:19 am]
ID: 61
Religious
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
ID: 503
Religious
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
ID: 772
Religious
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
ID: 292
Religious
One day, a cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,"You've been a good cat all of your life, anything you want is yours." The cat says"Well, I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor." Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat hops onto it and falls asleep.
A week later, five mice die and go to heaven as well. God meets them at the gate and makes them the same offer. They reply "All of our life, we've been chased by cats, dogs, and women with brooms. If only we didn't have to run anymore...." They are each fitted with a custom pair of roller skates.
A month later, God decides to check up on the cat. He asks "How are you doing? Are you happy?" Kitty answers " Life here is SUPER! Oh, and by the way, those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
ID: 1317
Religious
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father O'Malley."
ID: 17612
Religious
An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning:
Where were you born?!
St. Petersburg.
Where do you live?!
Leningrad.
(menacingly) Where would you like to die?!
St. Petersburg.
ID: 3566
Religious
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
+10,000 Jokes