ID: 15089
Religious
One day, God was talking to St. Peter.
God said, "I am not very happy with all the sinners in the world. I should send a letter to each of them and tell them what they are doing wrong and they must stop, or they will not come to Heaven when they die."
"I have a better idea," St. Peter said. "We should send letters to all the people who are doing good things and congratulate them on being accepted into Heaven when they pass on."
God agreed, so they sent out the letters. Do you know what the letters said?
What, you mean you didn't get one?
ID: 2737
Religious
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
ID: 498
Religious
One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate revenge, determined to become a computer programmer.
Secretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, he began to work his mischief.
Lounging near the back gate to heaven, he remarked to Jesus that there were some things the Devil could do better than God. Perl programming, for instance.
The Savior, knowing something was afoot, but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged, suggested a programming contest to last from sunrise to sunset, to see who could solve the halting problem in the fewest lines of Perl code, with God Almighty as the judge.
Sparks flew from the keyboard, and a sublime glow emanated from the monitor of the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace, respectively, until five minutes before sunset, when a bolt of lightning flashed and the computers went dead.
A few minutes later God arrived and asked for the results. The Devil fumed and complained bitterly, as he had lost the whole day's work.
Jesus fared considerably better and won the contest because, as everyone knows, Jesus saves.
ID: 3674
Religious
Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following:
"The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."
ID: 5066
Religious
You know your a redneck when there are 15 cars in your driveway, and the only one that moves is your house.
ID: 4511
Religious
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her reply.
ID: 2579
Religious
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
ID: 2580
Religious
A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"
ID: 3975
Religious
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
+10,000 Jokes