ID: 292
Religious
One day, a cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,"You've been a good cat all of your life, anything you want is yours." The cat says"Well, I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor." Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat hops onto it and falls asleep.
A week later, five mice die and go to heaven as well. God meets them at the gate and makes them the same offer. They reply "All of our life, we've been chased by cats, dogs, and women with brooms. If only we didn't have to run anymore...." They are each fitted with a custom pair of roller skates.
A month later, God decides to check up on the cat. He asks "How are you doing? Are you happy?" Kitty answers " Life here is SUPER! Oh, and by the way, those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
ID: 4025
Religious
Johnny was walking down the street pulling his wagon when he stubbed his toe. He was swearing like crazy when a priest comes up to him and says "Johnny, I wouldn't say such things, God is everywhere."
Intrigued by the priest's comment, he questions the priest. "Is God over there?" he says pointing to a tree. "Yes Johnny, God is over there by that tree!" says the priest.
"Is god right here?" Johnny said pointing right beside him. "Yes Johnny God is right beside you." says the priest.
"Is God in my red wagon?" asks Johnny. "Yes Johnny, God is in your red wagon." says the priest.
"Is god in my basement?" asks Johnny. "Yes Johnny, God is in your basement." says the priest.
Johnny screams "You're a liar, I don't have a basement!"
ID: 5532
Religious
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
ID: 4667
Religious
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
ID: 61
Religious
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
ID: 1589
Religious
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes)
"Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes)
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes)
"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"
ID: 3460
Religious
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years; and then they could only say two words.
The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His two words were "too cold".
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his two words were "bad food".
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his two words were "I quit".
"Good," they said, "all you have done is complain."
ID: 2427
Religious
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
ID: 3392
Religious
Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist?
The new movie is about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.
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