ID: 3393
Religious
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
ID: 5815
Religious
The founder of the Harley  Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went  to heaven.  ÂÂ
At the gates, St. Peter told  Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the  world.
Your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want in Heaven." ÂÂ
Arthur thought about it for a  minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the  Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and  commented,
"So you were the one who  invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?" ÂÂ
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's  me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something  that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a  road!?!"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse  me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah,  yes."
"Well," said Arthur,  "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your  invention:  ÂÂ
1. there's too much  inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at  high speeds;  ÂÂ
3. Most of the rear ends are  too soft and wobble too  much;  ÂÂ
4. The intake is placed way too close to  the  exhaust;  ÂÂ
5. And the maintenance costs are  outrageous!!  ÂÂ
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,  "hold on."   God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a  few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read  it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said  to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention  than yours.
ID: 1904
Religious
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field, with the farmer, all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
ID: 2658
Religious
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Turn from your sin).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
ID: 6947
Religious
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
The Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
The Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."
ID: 124
Religious
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
ID: 2101
Religious
There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.
Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drove off.
The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.
Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
The person in the boat then left.
The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim said, "That's okay."
The woman said, "Are you sure?"
Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."
Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.
Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
ID: 12802
Religious
What is Jewish beer called?
He Brew!!
ID: 5537
Religious
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
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