ID: 3645
Religious
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute!" said the writer, "this is just as bad as hell."
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
ID: 11629
Religious
Why did God make man first?
Because he didn't want to be interrupted by woman!
ID: 15920
Religious
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."
ID: 15915
Religious
Do Chinese eat dogs?
Yes. And cats. Especially on our "Thanks receiving" day. Besides, turkeys are our favorite pets. In China only the most uneducated eat turkeys.
China is becoming strong. Does your government want to take over the world?
Yes, absolutely. As soon as we become powerful, we will invade Iraq and Afghanistan.
Why doesn't your government give Tibet back to its monks?
Because the monks want to help the Seminoles take back Florida.
Are the products made in China very cheap?
Yes. Were we using slaves, the price would be even cheaper.
Why you are the only kid in your family?
Because my parents don't fuck with everybody.
You have 1.4 billion people. Now what do you want to do with it?
Find a new planet. Kill the native people there, and move in.
ID: 14953
Religious
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" the pro asked.
The priest replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
ID: 15074
Religious
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and - POOF - she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and - POOF - she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Virginia Pepalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No, Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"
ID: 15334
Religious
One day a 6 year old was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the
boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!
BURN!
ID: 16911
Religious
Saint Peter asked the new arrival, "And what bad things did you do while you were on Earth?"
The man thought a moment. "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale, and I had some extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't technically have "sexual relations". I lied some, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I never committed perjury." Saint Peter looked concerned.
"Okay, here's the deal," said Saint Peter. "We'll send you someplace very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite time, but we won't call it 'eternity,' and you don't need to 'abandon all hope' upon entering, but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over!"
ID: 4255
Religious
A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, "I hate porridge." A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, "I like porridge." Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says...
"Would you two stop this constant bickering!"
+10,000 Jokes