ID: 4239
Religious
Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal."
"Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton."
ID: 377
Religious
A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you."
And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."
ID: 1589
Religious
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes)
"Did you see me order this meal?" (again he nods yes)
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" (again he nods yes)
"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"
ID: 12852
Religious
In a small town, an frightened man ran inside the local pub and shouted, "Does anyone here own a big black dog with a white collar?"
But no one answered and he said, "Oh my God,I must have run over the Vicar!"
ID: 72
Religious
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
"Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes on that bridge or four?"
ID: 2586
Religious
This husband and wife couldn't have any children, so they went to the pastor and asked for prayer.
The pastor prayed for them and annointed them with oil.
Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplet babies. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? he asked.
She replied, "I'm just glad you used three in one oil and not WD40."
ID: 3362
Religious
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
ID: 4455
Religious
On the appointed day, St. Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?"
Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: "I always wanted a girl."
ID: 2581
Religious
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
+10,000 Jokes