ID: 3975
Religious
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
ID: 5839
Religious
After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
ID: 11815
Religious
You have to see this joke to believe it.
- Editor's Note: Link Deleted -
ID: 18147
Religious
So I asked a religious truck driver what his CB handle is.
His answer: "My handle's 'Messiah'."
(Get it? Sounds like "Handel's Messiah.")
ID: 7626
Religious
Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked.
"I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-Eight." She replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
ID: 8047
Religious
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because blokes refuse to ask for directions.
ID: 6509
Religious
A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells him that he will remain frozen until his whole family is there. That way, it would stop him from doing anything NOT with his family.
So, a couple years pass, and his wife appeared in heaven. She had died of age. She was frozen along with her spouse.
One more year passes, and one of their two kids arrive. He had died because he was shot. He was frozen along with them.
They all watch many more people enter heaven. They suddenly saw the milkman enter heaven. He did NOT have any family; he was adopted. But for some reason, he was frozen along with them.
The woman and the milkman's eyes each grew very big.
Finally, the last kid died of age MANY years later, and the woman, the angry husband, the milkman, and the 2 kids all were released from being frozen to go to heaven.
ID: 2461
Religious
How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it!
ID: 6842
Religious
A man worked at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. One day when he was driving home from work, he ran out of gas (how ironic). So the man walks and walks and eventually he comes upon a monastery.
He asks a monk at the monastery, "Can I stay here over night? My car ran out of gas."
The monk replies, "You may; but you musn't come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am."
The man replies, "That's fine with me." The monk takes him to his room, and the man falls asleep.
About 12 midnight the man is roused from his sleep by a horrible groaning noise that was coming from the basement. He gets out of his bed to see what it is, but remembers the monk saying that he couldn't leave his room between 12 and 6 am. The groaning keeps the man awake all night long until it finally stops at 6.
The next morning the man asks the monk from yesterday, "What was that racket coming from the basement?"
"I can't tell you. You're not a monk," the monk replies.
So the man gets some gas from the monk, fuels up his car and drives home. For a year that groaning noise haunts him. The man decides to become a monk so he can find out what it was.
The man goes to monk school, and afterwards goes to the monastery that he arrived at a year ago.
He asks a monk there, "Can I stay here for the night?"
The monk replies, "Yes, but do not come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am."
"Why not?" the man asks.
"I can't tell you. You're not a monk," the monk replies.
"Yes, I am," the man says.
"Well, just don't come out," the monk says.
That night the man is awakened by the groaning noise. The man thinks, 'I'm a monk, so I can go and see what it is. The man walks down to the first floor and opens the door to the basement.
It had been bugging him for sooo long what the groaning noise was in the basement. It had haunted his dreams, scared him in the day, and he had gone through monk school and everything JUST to see what the groaning noise was in the basement. It was a strange noise, and he was finally able to see what it was, after a whole 365 days. He was just so excited to know what it was, so he wouldn't be haunted anymore. So he went down to the basement, sighed, and slowly creaked the door open to see what he had been wanting to see for the longest time.
Do you know what the man saw in the basement? I can't tell you. You're not a monk.
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