ID: 5815
Religious
The founder of the Harley  Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went  to heaven.  ÂÂ
At the gates, St. Peter told  Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the  world.
Your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want in Heaven." ÂÂ
Arthur thought about it for a  minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the  Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and  commented,
"So you were the one who  invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?" ÂÂ
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's  me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something  that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a  road!?!"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse  me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah,  yes."
"Well," said Arthur,  "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your  invention:  ÂÂ
1. there's too much  inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at  high speeds;  ÂÂ
3. Most of the rear ends are  too soft and wobble too  much;  ÂÂ
4. The intake is placed way too close to  the  exhaust;  ÂÂ
5. And the maintenance costs are  outrageous!!  ÂÂ
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,  "hold on."   God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a  few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read  it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said  to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention  than yours.
ID: 17783
Religious
God said "Let there be light."
Chuck Norris said "Say please."
ID: 5532
Religious
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
ID: 3423
Religious
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
ID: 296
Religious
A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven.
The man decides to ask.
He takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, "Which hole did my fart come out of?"
St. Peter replies, "That's easy; this one," and he points to a hole.
The man smiles and says, "Nope! It came out of this one!" and he points to his ass.
ID: 1282
Religious
A man took a walk along a railroad track. Not paying attention, he got his foot stuck in a gap in the rails. Just then the whistle of the 10 a.m. train sounded in in the distance.
He tried frantically to free himself, but to no avail. Looking up he prayed, "God, please get me free!" The Whistle sounded, again he pulled, no movement. "God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking." The whistle sounded closer. Still pulling, he only seemed to get more stuck. "God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking and drinking." Looking up he could now see the train engineer in the window of the engine. His foot still would not move. "God!!! If you get my foot out I will stop, smoking drinking and give my money to the poor!"
At that moment his foot slipped from its grasp in the rail and he rolled clear of the train's wheels............. "Never mind God I took care of it myself."
ID: 7232
Religious
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.
*****
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
*****
Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
*****
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
ID: 6560
Religious
There are 3 religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Faith
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
ID: 7130
Religious
A Unitarian Universalist walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for nine yards of material. The clerk asks, "What are you going to make?" The UU says, "I'm making a nightgown for myself as a present for my husband."
The clerk says, "But nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown."
The UU says, "I know, but my husband would rather seek than find."
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