ID: 18147
Religious
So I asked a religious truck driver what his CB handle is.
His answer: "My handle's 'Messiah'."
(Get it? Sounds like "Handel's Messiah.")
ID: 1989
Religious
-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
-Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.
-Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
-Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.
-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
-The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her.
-On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
ID: 3686
Religious
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mr. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied, "You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," she said
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father," and away she went.
Several years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful?" he said, "and how is your wonderful husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out your damned candle!"
ID: 2427
Religious
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
ID: 3258
Religious
A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground.
The first sign says, "The End is Near!!" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!"
The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash.
The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."
ID: 3275
Religious
A man decided he wanted a divorce from his wife of 30 years. After the divorce, they went their separate ways and never saw each other again. A number of years later, the woman died. When she was standing at St. Peter's Gate, he asked her "How was your life?" She replied "It was horrible. My husband of 30 years wanted a divorce, and he took everything. I was really depressed, and I died alone in a car crash." St. Peter responded, "To get into heaven, you have to spell one word." "Okay, what's the word?" "Love" The woman smiled and said "L-O-V-E" "Very good. Welcome to heaven!" A few months later, St. Peter approached the woman, and asked her if she could watch the gate for a few hours. The woman responded "Sure, No problem." While she was watching the gate, she saw her ex-husband approaching. The woman asked him "How has your life gone?" The man smiled and responded, "Well, after our divorce, I was successful in the stock market, become a millionaire, then retired early. I married a 21 year old underwear model. We had the best life, and I died in my sleep on our private beach in Hawaii." The woman smiled faintly, and said "that's nice." The man said "What do I have to do to get into heaven?" "Well, you have to spell one word." "Okay, what's the word?" The woman grinned, and said "Czechoslovakia"
ID: 6232
Religious
A priest and a minister were going on vacation (seperately) when their flight got postponed. They meet each other and deside to go across the street to a bar until their flight. Little did they know, it was a gay bar. When a man started hitting on the priest he grew fruious and the gay man stalked off. A little while later a big, buff man walks over to the priest and says
"Why the Hell did you start screaming at my boyfriend for no reason?"
The minister, seeing that the priest was at a loss of words, takes the big man out of earshot of the priest and talks to him.
After he comes back without the big man, the priest asks him,
"What did you say to him?"
The minister calmly repies
"I told him that we were on our way to our honeymoon and our flight got posponed."
ID: 5786
Religious
Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
ID: 8280
Religious
A Christian, playing an active role in his church's activites, backslided and started leading a wayward life. He was usually drunk most of the time and on one occasion, as he was staggering back home after leaving a beer parlor, he fell into a gutter.
He staggered back up, put one leg inside the gutter and kept going like that until his pastor saw him. "What are you doing brother?" the pastor asked while pulling him out of the gutter. The drunk then started shouting, "I am healed, I am healed, praise the Lord."
The embarrassed pastor then said, "I only pulled you out of the gutter," The drunk then stuttered, "Lord of Mercy, I thought I had been crippled by God."
+10,000 Jokes