ID: 377
Religious
A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you."
And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."
ID: 17563
Religious
Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning services.
"I thought we had agreed there was no God", he said.
"Yes, what does that have to do with it?" replied the other.
ID: 3678
Religious
One day, John dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets the demon.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
John: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
John: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer...We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
John: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
John: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Allright! You're gonna love Tuesday. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
John: "Golly"
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
John: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
John: "Wow!"
Demon: "You like to use drugs?"
John: "Well, I love to use drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can use all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
John: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
John: "Uhhhhh, no!!"
Demon: "Ohhhh.... you're gonna hate Fridays...."
ID: 3566
Religious
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
ID: 1298
Religious
Saddam and an American were in the bathroom peeing in the urinals. When the American was done, he was going to leave without washing his hands.
Saddam said, "You know, I learned to wash my hands."
The American replied, "Well, I learned not to pee on my hands."
ID: 3975
Religious
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
ID: 6854
Religious
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.
God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."
Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine" said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says: "That was the screen saver."
ID: 33
Religious
A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
ID: 4774
Religious
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
+10,000 Jokes