ID: 14953
Religious
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" the pro asked.
The priest replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
ID: 9745
Religious
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll crap!"
ID: 12810
Religious
What's the difference between a religious woman and a supposedly regular woman in a bathtub?
One has HOPE in her soul.
ID: 14491
Religious
A priest was assigned a small church in the Alaskan backwoods.
After a couple of years, the bishop stopped by to see how he was doing.
"Ah, Bishop, it's really lonely here. I couldn't have made it without my Rosary and two martinis a day."
The bishop replied, "You know, a martini would taste good right now."
The priest agreed and yelled into the kitchen, "Hey, Rosary! Fix us a couple of martinis, will ya!?"
ID: 15896
Religious
A young woman, flying home after Christmas, asked the priest sitting beside her if he would help her.
"I will assist you if I can; what seems to be the problem?" he asked. The young woman said, "I have a very expensive, top of the range hairdryer which my mother gave me for Christmas; it is still unopened, and well over the Customs allowance. Could you carry it through Customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?"
The priest said, "All right, I will help you, but I must warn you, I cannot lie."
At the Customs desk, an official asked the priest, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official pondered for a moment, and asked, "And do you have anything to declare from the waist down, Father?"
"I have a fantastic instrument which is designed to be used on a woman, but which is, at the moment, unused."
Through his laughter, the customs officer said, "Go on ahead, Father."
ID: 3098
Religious
There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, "Is that enough proof for you?"
They replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, "SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!"
She then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, "Well, it's still three to two."
ID: 3363
Religious
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
ID: 639
Religious
Why is it that when we talk to God we call it
praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin
ID: 16782
Religious
[Jesus signed on at 11:29 pm.]
Jesus: Hello and welcome to the kingdom of heaven!
Bob: Oh wow you mean I can come in?
Jesus: All are welcome. Tell me what is the way you died?
Bob: Well I was in a coma. Half my family wanted me on life support half didn't.
Jesus: I see...
Bob: Oh crap brb
[Bob went away at 11:31 pm.]
Jesus: ? :(
[Bob came back at 11:45 pm.]
Bob: Sorry other half of the family
Jesus: I see... now this is-
Bob: brb
[Bob went away at 11:47 pm.]
Jesus: ...
[Bob came back at 11:59 pm.]
Bob: They just can't make up their minds!
Jesus: Clearly...
Bob: So Heaven eh?
Jesus: Yea it's the most
[Bob went away at 12:02 am]
Jesus: Screw this.
[Jesus signed out at 12:03 am.]
[Bob came back at 12:17 am]
Bob: Jesus they decided to let me die!
Bob: Both sides agreed...
Bob: Jesus?
Bob: You there?
[Satan signed in at 12:19 am]
+10,000 Jokes