ID: 3273
Religious
On Halloween, a taxi-driver saw a nun standing at the side of the road. He pulled over, and asked if he could help her. The nun said she needed to get to the mission. The taxi-driver said "I'll give you a ride for free tonight, because you don't know what kind of crazy people are running around." The nun agreed, thanked him, and they drove off. When they were about half-way there, the taxi-driver said to the nun "You know sister, I've always had this fanasy about being kissed by a nun." The nun said "Well, you've been so kind to me, I could do that, but only on three conditions. You have to be Catholic, single, and it can't be in public." The taxi-driver thought about this for a minute, then asked if an alley would work. The nun said that would be fine, so he pulled into the nearest alley. The nun crawled into the front seat and gave him a long, passionate kiss. After this, the taxi-driver smiled and drove on. A few minutes later, his smile turned to a frown, and he said " I have a confession sister. I'm really Jewish and I'm married." The nun looked at him and said "That's okay. I'm Kevin, and I'm on my way to a costume party."
ID: 16782
Religious
[Jesus signed on at 11:29 pm.]
Jesus: Hello and welcome to the kingdom of heaven!
Bob: Oh wow you mean I can come in?
Jesus: All are welcome. Tell me what is the way you died?
Bob: Well I was in a coma. Half my family wanted me on life support half didn't.
Jesus: I see...
Bob: Oh crap brb
[Bob went away at 11:31 pm.]
Jesus: ? :(
[Bob came back at 11:45 pm.]
Bob: Sorry other half of the family
Jesus: I see... now this is-
Bob: brb
[Bob went away at 11:47 pm.]
Jesus: ...
[Bob came back at 11:59 pm.]
Bob: They just can't make up their minds!
Jesus: Clearly...
Bob: So Heaven eh?
Jesus: Yea it's the most
[Bob went away at 12:02 am]
Jesus: Screw this.
[Jesus signed out at 12:03 am.]
[Bob came back at 12:17 am]
Bob: Jesus they decided to let me die!
Bob: Both sides agreed...
Bob: Jesus?
Bob: You there?
[Satan signed in at 12:19 am]
ID: 13267
Religious
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
ID: 7656
Religious
Why was the cemetary so crowded?
Everyone was dying to get in!!!!
ID: 4538
Religious
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
ID: 8165
Religious
This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve, announced to his congregation that he would not renew his contract. He explained that he must move on to a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush; no one wanted him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owned several new car dealerships, stood up and proclaimde, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighed with appreciation and applauded.
Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stood and said, "If the Rabbi stays here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause follow.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 80, stood and announced with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"
There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asked her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, what on Earth possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's husband is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand. Sadie answered, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"
ID: 11351
Religious
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
ID: 8280
Religious
A Christian, playing an active role in his church's activites, backslided and started leading a wayward life. He was usually drunk most of the time and on one occasion, as he was staggering back home after leaving a beer parlor, he fell into a gutter.
He staggered back up, put one leg inside the gutter and kept going like that until his pastor saw him. "What are you doing brother?" the pastor asked while pulling him out of the gutter. The drunk then started shouting, "I am healed, I am healed, praise the Lord."
The embarrassed pastor then said, "I only pulled you out of the gutter," The drunk then stuttered, "Lord of Mercy, I thought I had been crippled by God."
ID: 8364
Religious
Q) What is:
Black
White
Black
White
Black
White?
A) A nun rolling down a hill.
+10,000 Jokes