ID: 5815
Religious
The founder of the Harley  Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went  to heaven.  ÂÂ
At the gates, St. Peter told  Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the  world.
Your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want in Heaven." ÂÂ
Arthur thought about it for a  minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the  Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and  commented,
"So you were the one who  invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?" ÂÂ
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's  me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something  that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a  road!?!"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse  me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah,  yes."
"Well," said Arthur,  "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your  invention:  ÂÂ
1. there's too much  inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at  high speeds;  ÂÂ
3. Most of the rear ends are  too soft and wobble too  much;  ÂÂ
4. The intake is placed way too close to  the  exhaust;  ÂÂ
5. And the maintenance costs are  outrageous!!  ÂÂ
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,  "hold on."   God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a  few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read  it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said  to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention  than yours.
ID: 61
Religious
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
ID: 2427
Religious
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
ID: 2114
Religious
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
ID: 5839
Religious
After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
ID: 660
Religious
Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the "Rev" Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. and Mrs. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclains Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
ID: 1317
Religious
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father O'Malley."
ID: 4480
Religious
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.
ID: 3729
Religious
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat.
"Sorry about the mix up" says the Pope.
"No problem," replies Clinton.
"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."
Clinton asks, "Why's that?"
"Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
President Clinton replies, "Sorry, but you're a day late".
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