ID: 13249
Religious
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
ID: 7857
Religious
Did you know that if you fart in church you have to sit in your own pew?
ID: 14010
Religious
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
ID: 14953
Religious
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" the pro asked.
The priest replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
ID: 10916
Religious
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong"?
The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church".
The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".
ID: 8364
Religious
Q) What is:
Black
White
Black
White
Black
White?
A) A nun rolling down a hill.
ID: 12068
Religious
In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say.
One year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed.
After the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, "Bed hard."
The priest frowned at him and ushered him away.
The next year the poor monk said in a sad voice,
"Food cold."
The priest scowled at him and told him to go away back to work.
The next year the monk said in a sad voice, "Quit job."
The priest suddenly shouted, "Finally! You've been here three years and all you've done is complain!"
ID: 11972
Religious
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
"It's Christmas, Eve!"
ID: 8391
Religious
Two young met while studying in seminary, Matthew Anderson and Anthony Sicola. They become great friends, but also become very competitive between each other. They both graduate #1 and #2 in their class, with Anthony being #1 and Matthew being #2. They then both go to their new parishes, which instantly become hugely popular. For years the two of them rise through the ranks of the Catholic Church, becoming bishops, arch-bishops, and cardinals around the same time. Always though, Anthony is considered the slightly better of the two.
Eventually, the reigning Pope passes away, and the College of Cardinals is convened to choose the next Pope. They debate for days until the list is down to just two names, Anthony and Matthew. After another day or two of deliberation, the white smoke is seen, and they make the announcement, Matthew Anderson will be the next Pope.
Anthony, happy for his friend, is perturbed because he knows in his heart that he is better and would make a better Pope. He pleads for time in front of the College of Cardinals, and is granted an audience. He asks them why they decided on Matthew and not him. For a few quiet, still minutes, not a single person talks. Then an old cardinal in the back speaks up. "Anthony, we know you are the better of the two, but we ultimately had to come to a decision. That decision is that we just could not live with ourselves if we named the next Pope, Pope Sicola."
Hint:
Read "Pope Sicola" quickly if you don't get the punch line.
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