ID: 12852
Religious
In a small town, an frightened man ran inside the local pub and shouted, "Does anyone here own a big black dog with a white collar?"
But no one answered and he said, "Oh my God,I must have run over the Vicar!"
ID: 13153
Religious
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantaged of by women of ill-repute than to let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice...."
ID: 14010
Religious
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
ID: 12130
Religious
Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.
"No," said the dying man.
"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"
"No," the man repeats.
"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.
"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody."
ID: 12291
Religious
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries; God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
ID: 12557
Religious
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
ID: 12615
Religious
God was in Heaven and was getting particularly bored. "Oh what can I do?" he exclaimed.
St. Peter came up to him and suggested he take a vacation.
"That's a great idea, but where should I go?" asked God.
"How about the moon?" suggested St. Peter.
"Well, I could, but there's no gravity on the moon," stated God
"Then how about the Earth?"
When St. Peter said this God's eyes widened and he said, "Are you mad? I went there 2000 years ago, met a nice Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!"
ID: 14822
Religious
My health teacher said once he was talking to this one guy and a student. As they were talking the student got curious and asked, "How long have you been teaching here?"
My health teachser replied, "Oh about 37 years."
The student said he must be old and the other guy, who is elderly as well says,
"Ya, and Jesus still owes me a buck."
ID: 12603
Religious
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
+10,000 Jokes