ID: 17515
Religious
What do you get when you cross an Ossi with a Wessi? An arrogant unemployed person.
ID: 4025
Religious
Johnny was walking down the street pulling his wagon when he stubbed his toe. He was swearing like crazy when a priest comes up to him and says "Johnny, I wouldn't say such things, God is everywhere."
Intrigued by the priest's comment, he questions the priest. "Is God over there?" he says pointing to a tree. "Yes Johnny, God is over there by that tree!" says the priest.
"Is god right here?" Johnny said pointing right beside him. "Yes Johnny God is right beside you." says the priest.
"Is God in my red wagon?" asks Johnny. "Yes Johnny, God is in your red wagon." says the priest.
"Is god in my basement?" asks Johnny. "Yes Johnny, God is in your basement." says the priest.
Johnny screams "You're a liar, I don't have a basement!"
ID: 1925
Religious
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
ID: 3127
Religious
A golfer was having a round of golf with the local vicar. The golfer took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The golfer, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".
The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."
They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same thing happened - a gust of wind blew the ball just wide. Once again the golfer shouted "Damn - missed the bugger!"
This annoyed the vicar, so he turned to the man and said "Please do not use bad language again, or the heavens shall open and God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!"
But once again, on the next hole a gust of wind blew the ball just wide, and the golfer screamed "Damn - missed the bugger!"
As soon as he said this the heavens opened and a lightning bolt shot down and struck the vicar.
Then God's voice boomed "Damn - missed the bugger!"
ID: 2576
Religious
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
Adam said, "What is a caress?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went behind the bush with Eve, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"
ID: 3355
Religious
Having been raised a Catholic and having gone to church some time in my past, I think these are still verifiable!
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
ID: 3362
Religious
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
ID: 3395
Religious
Q: What is black and white and green and black and white?
A: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.
Q: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down?
A: A nun churning butter.
ID: 548
Religious
3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven.
At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral.
The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer."
The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives."
The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"
+10,000 Jokes