ID: 12852
Religious
In a small town, an frightened man ran inside the local pub and shouted, "Does anyone here own a big black dog with a white collar?"
But no one answered and he said, "Oh my God,I must have run over the Vicar!"
ID: 11935
Religious
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip one priest says, "Well, we've worked together for many years now, but we don't really know each other. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins to get better acquainted."
They look nervously at one another, but agree.
The first priest says, "Since it was my idea, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year, I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself senseless for a few days; get it out of my system."
They look at one another again, and eventually the next priest stands up. "Well, with me it's gambling. Every now and then, I nick some money from the poor box, and go to the races. Gamble the lot; but I've got it out of my system."
The third priest nervously stands up and says, "This is very difficult for me. My sin is much worse; I take off my collar and go to the red light district, pick up a girl, and spend a whole week with her; but I've got it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest. "Come on, we've all told our worst sins, now it's your turn."
"Well," he starts, "I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
ID: 14581
Religious
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
---------------------
54. Two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.
What is the difference between a large pizza and a Jew?
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The large pizza won't scream when you put it in the oven.
ID: 10028
Religious
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
ID: 8892
Religious
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunken man answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunken man replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
ID: 14276
Religious
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
ID: 13097
Religious
How do you know if you're in a gay church?
If half the congregation is kneeling!
ID: 8047
Religious
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because blokes refuse to ask for directions.
ID: 14289
Religious
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there, two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning, Sisters," and they reply, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest, who thought he had been very polite, but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning, Brother." The Brother replies, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest was very confused at this and goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning, Father." The priest replies, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No, I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says, "What?" The priest realised his mistake and said, "I am sorry, your holiness, what is it you want?" The bishop looks at him and says, "I was only going to ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
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