ID: 3646
Religious
When Abraham Liebowitz got to school, he discovered that he was the only Jewish kid in the class, but it's a decent town and nobody really bothered him.
One day, the teacher asked the class, "Who was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?" To make it interesting, she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said, "Whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars."
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said, "George Washington, because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent," said the teacher.
Another said, "Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good," said the teacher, reluctant to bestow the reply of 'excellent,' but still being polite.
One little girl said, "Joan of Arc, because she saved France."
"Another excellent choice," said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz raised his hand, so the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
Abraham said, "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars," and she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed, so she asked Abraham why he said Jesus:
Abraham said, "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but business is business!"
ID: 14581
Religious
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
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54. Two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.
What is the difference between a large pizza and a Jew?
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The large pizza won't scream when you put it in the oven.
ID: 3258
Religious
A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground.
The first sign says, "The End is Near!!" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!"
The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash.
The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."
ID: 3645
Religious
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute!" said the writer, "this is just as bad as hell."
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
ID: 124
Religious
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
ID: 4283
Religious
A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"
Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."
ID: 590
Religious
A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives Satan gives him a choice of what eternal punishment he'll be given.
They go to a wall with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door and there are people standing on their heads on blocks of ice.
The man says, "No way, I cant do this punishment." So they move on to the next room.
Satan opens the second door and there are people standing on their heads on a brick floor.
The man says, "No way, that would give me headaches forever." So they move on to the next room.
Satan opens the door and inside there are people sitting in cow manure drinking tea and eating cookies.
The man figures it can't be that bad so he chooses to spend eternity in that room.
Just before Satan closes the door he yells back, "Alrite break time is over! Back on your heads!"
ID: 2427
Religious
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
ID: 1925
Religious
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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