ID: 17582
Religious
One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water, trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in, and after a struggle, managed to bring it out alive.
A passer-by who saw this remarked, "That was very brave of you! You must love animals; are you a vet?"
Rabbi Bloom replied, "And vhat did you expect? Of course I'm a–vet! I'm a–freezing cold as vell!"
ID: 33
Religious
A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
ID: 3258
Religious
A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground.
The first sign says, "The End is Near!!" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!"
The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash.
The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."
ID: 1735
Religious
One very loooooong summer day, not so long ago, a guy was driving down a long and never-ending road, when he noticed a sign that said
Ten miles ahead Sisters of Mercy brothel.
The guy really confused by somewhat intrigued decides that it is weird but if it were true he might check it out.
Later down the road he finds the same sign but it reads five miles ahead the Sisters of Mercy brothel.
So now the guys decides that he is definitely going to stop at the brothel five miles down the road.
FIVE MILES LATER...
He drives into a parking lot in front of a small windowless building with one door that says entrance to the Sisters of Mercy brothel.
He gets up to the door and on the doorknob "Knock three times" is inscribed on it.
So the guy filled with intrigue knocks three times, and immediately after the third knock an extremely old nun opens the door and says.
"Hello, are you looking for a few good nuns."
"Yes, yes I've been on the road all week and I'm pent up like hell, god I am."
As the nun gives the guy a cold look she tells him to come inside and follow the winding path.
So the guy goes through about fifteen hallways and finally comes across a door that says "WAIT"
And after a five minute wait the biggest butch of a nun comes and says high you came for a nun.
After having the shit scared out of him by the big nun she tells him that the nun of his dreams is on the other side of that door, but she tells him he has to strip naked right here and bend over facing the door keeping his eyes closed.
After doing those two tasks he feels the door in front of him swing open, and suddenly a sharp pain in his ass, he was kicked outside and the door slam shut and lock behind him.
As he walked around the long building buck naked, he gets back to the parking lot realizing that his car is missing, and the front door is locked. As he turns around he notices a card on the ground and opens it up and he reads
!CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY!
ID: 528
Religious
Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it would be a good place to stop and rest to divide the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts into a large pile. In the process, two of the nuts rolled away and settled near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts.
"One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."
As they were doing this, another boy passed by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and until they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts.
"One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent... until a few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividing the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
ID: 359
Religious
Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says "What have you done bad in your life son".
The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother."
The priest says,"Take one sip of holy water."
The second boys goes up to the priest and the priest asks, "What have you done bad in your life son?"
The boy responds with, "I've stolen something".
The priest says "Take two sips of holy water."
After every sip the third boy is laughing his head off.
So the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son"
The boy responds with, "I peed in the holy water."
ID: 1627
Religious
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."
The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
ID: 1238
Religious
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
ID: 1282
Religious
A man took a walk along a railroad track. Not paying attention, he got his foot stuck in a gap in the rails. Just then the whistle of the 10 a.m. train sounded in in the distance.
He tried frantically to free himself, but to no avail. Looking up he prayed, "God, please get me free!" The Whistle sounded, again he pulled, no movement. "God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking." The whistle sounded closer. Still pulling, he only seemed to get more stuck. "God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking and drinking." Looking up he could now see the train engineer in the window of the engine. His foot still would not move. "God!!! If you get my foot out I will stop, smoking drinking and give my money to the poor!"
At that moment his foot slipped from its grasp in the rail and he rolled clear of the train's wheels............. "Never mind God I took care of it myself."
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