ID: 15062
Religious
One Sunday morning, a man attended the service at the local church. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that he stopped to shake his hand. "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard," the man said.
"Thank you, sir," the Reverend replied, "but I must ask that you not use profanity in the Lord's house."
"Sorry, Reverend, I just can't help myself," said the man, "that was just such a damn good sermon."
"Sir, please," replied the Reverend. "Again I ask you not to use profanity in church."
"Okay, Reverend," the man said. "I just want you to know that I thought it was so damn good that I put $5000 in the collection plate."
"No shit!" exclaimed the Reverend.
ID: 359
Religious
Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says "What have you done bad in your life son".
The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother."
The priest says,"Take one sip of holy water."
The second boys goes up to the priest and the priest asks, "What have you done bad in your life son?"
The boy responds with, "I've stolen something".
The priest says "Take two sips of holy water."
After every sip the third boy is laughing his head off.
So the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son"
The boy responds with, "I peed in the holy water."
ID: 7021
Religious
Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."
ID: 1626
Religious
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied; "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
ID: 3127
Religious
A golfer was having a round of golf with the local vicar. The golfer took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The golfer, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".
The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."
They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same thing happened - a gust of wind blew the ball just wide. Once again the golfer shouted "Damn - missed the bugger!"
This annoyed the vicar, so he turned to the man and said "Please do not use bad language again, or the heavens shall open and God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!"
But once again, on the next hole a gust of wind blew the ball just wide, and the golfer screamed "Damn - missed the bugger!"
As soon as he said this the heavens opened and a lightning bolt shot down and struck the vicar.
Then God's voice boomed "Damn - missed the bugger!"
ID: 2114
Religious
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
ID: 7060
Religious
A young girl had just begun to go to a new Christian church group.
She had been going for a couple of weeks now, and at one session their leaders were talking about when they found Jesus in their lives.
One of her leaders had started saying: "When I was your age, I had just gotten Jesus in my life."
She replied, "Well, how long has it been that you have had Jesus in your life?"
He replied, "35 years of my life."
Then she said,"God Damn, that's a long time"
ID: 1925
Religious
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
ID: 4156
Religious
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
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