RELIGIOUS

All the Honesty

A man, standing before a censor, is about to testify, whether he has a wife. The censor asks:
-Do you have, in all your honesty, a wife?
-I surely do, but not in all my honesty.

The Baptism

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

A little girl wants to go

A little nine-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

The Letter

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

An Exasperated Mother...

Dividing Nuts

Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it would be a good place to stop and rest to divide the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts into a large pile. In the process, two of the nuts rolled away and settled near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts.

"One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."

As they were doing this, another boy passed by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and until they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts.

"One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent... until a few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividing the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

Is That Too Much To Ask?

Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.

Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.

A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

Sarah responded, "Well ... He WAS wearing a hat."

Belly Buttons Explained

Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?

A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row, then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, "You're done, you're done, you're done, - - -"

Everything is Big in Texas

It seems that upon passing away, a Texan found himself at the legendary Pearly Gates, and St. Peter himself was in attendance to personally greet him!
After the usual checklist and verifications, St. Peter made some small talk and commented that he had heard that in Texas, everything is big.
The Texan agreed and responded saying, "Yup, everything is big in Texas."
"Well," said St. Peter, "we've got some pretty big things up here in Heaven too."

He then led the Texan to a farm where cabbages were as big as Volkswagens and the carrots towered over them like redwood trees. "Pretty impressive eh?" said St. Peter.
The Texan smiled and remarked, "Yes sir Mr. Peter, they are some pretty big vegetables you've got here, but I've seen big vegetables before, back in Texas. Everything is really big in Texas," he repeated.
St. Peter then took the Texan to a far cloud and said, "look at this!" as he pointed downward.

It was there that the Texan saw an eternal lake of fire streching out across the horizon with no end in sight.

"Well, sir, what do you think of that?" inquired St. Peter. The Texan took one more look at incredible vastness of the roaring flames, and said to St. Peter, "That's a mighty big fire you've got going on down there Mr. Peter, but I'll tell you what; I know a couple of fellers over in Houston that can put that out for you."