ID: 7120
Religious
A nun had to use the bathroom, so she went into a bar, the first place she could find. She noticed that every time the lights went out, everybody cheered.
She went up to the bartender and asked him why. He said she would be better off not knowing, so she asked where the bathroom is. He gave her directions.
When she got there she saw a big naked statue with a fig leaf covering you-know-where.
When she exited the bathroom everybody cheered. She asked the bartender why, and he replied,"Every time someone lifts the fig leaf, the lights go out."
ID: 4791
Religious
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?î
ID: 5066
Religious
You know your a redneck when there are 15 cars in your driveway, and the only one that moves is your house.
ID: 6577
Religious
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get out of here."
ID: 5839
Religious
After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
ID: 5532
Religious
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
ID: 6947
Religious
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
The Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
The Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."
ID: 5247
Religious
There once was a priest, a bishop, and the Pope. They were all at the park and they saw a deep pond. The Pope told the bishop and the priest, "I bet I can walk on water". So he goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. Then the bishop tells the priest, "I bet I can walk on water". So the bishop goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. The priest is so surprised by all this he decides to give it a shot, so he goes to the pond and he steps on the water but he falls in and gets drenched. On the other side, the Pope is telling the bishop, "Do you think we should've told him about the stepping stones in the pond?"
ID: 10662
Religious
Both of the following men have cheated on their wives and have decided to take it to the Lord. One is a gangster and one is a Christian. This is their prayers....
Christian husband:
Dear Father Son and Holy Ghost,
I have sinned and am so sorry. I cheated on my wife with her best friend. Please allow my wife to forgive me for it was a long night and I didn't mean to hurt her.
Amen
Gangster husband:
Waz up Pops Pops Jr. and Spooks,
I cheated on my women last night. She is pissed off but I have a good reason for my actions. You see I'm a pimp in my old town and one of my leading ladies was having some trouble so you know, Lil' Willy down there make it all better. Well, my woman found out so you know let this blow over.
Gangster out
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