RELIGIOUS

Be Quiet in Mass

A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The Dying Man

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Hit Him Again!!

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

The Carpenter's Son

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.

"Hello? Hello?"

Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"

The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

An Exasperated Mother...

The Monastery on a Cliff

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Bats in the Belfry

Three ministers were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church.

The first minister said, "I shot at them with a shotgun, but it only spoiled the woodwork."

The second said, "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"

The third (who was looking pretty smug) said, "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."

Corporate Lesson 2:

Always be well informed

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

What Would They Say...

3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven.
At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral.
The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer."
The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives."
The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"