ID: 6509
Religious
A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells him that he will remain frozen until his whole family is there. That way, it would stop him from doing anything NOT with his family.
So, a couple years pass, and his wife appeared in heaven. She had died of age. She was frozen along with her spouse.
One more year passes, and one of their two kids arrive. He had died because he was shot. He was frozen along with them.
They all watch many more people enter heaven. They suddenly saw the milkman enter heaven. He did NOT have any family; he was adopted. But for some reason, he was frozen along with them.
The woman and the milkman's eyes each grew very big.
Finally, the last kid died of age MANY years later, and the woman, the angry husband, the milkman, and the 2 kids all were released from being frozen to go to heaven.
ID: 4126
Religious
Always be well informed
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
ID: 4292
Religious
A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.
ID: 5532
Religious
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
ID: 4622
Religious
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
ID: 4467
Religious
A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
ID: 4364
Religious
A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, "If anything should go wrong--"
"Nothing will go wrong," said the Hindu. "But if it does, God will save me."
"Not a chance," the Buddhist said, "Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature." The Hindu scoffed at this.
The pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open.
"My God!" screamed the Hindu. "Save me!" But he continued to plummet.
Just then he heard the Buddhist say, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature." Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began lowering him to earth.
The terrified Hindu too cried out, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature!" With that, another giant hand appeared, cradled the Hindu in its palm and started gently lowering him to earth.
"Whew! That was a close one!" said the Hindu, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Thank God!" whereupon the giant hand turned over.
ID: 3542
Religious
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
ID: 4538
Religious
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
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