ID: 88
Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
ID: 89
Redneck
What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!
ID: 13842
Redneck
You might be a redneck if all of your good clothes have come from cases of beer!
ID: 4265
Redneck
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA is all the same.
2. There are no dental records.
ID: 14329
Redneck
You might be a redneck if both you and your wife wore ponytails on your wedding day.
ID: 14328
Redneck
You might be a redneck if the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism.
ID: 4794
Redneck
You Just Might Be A Redneck If...
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouse in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
ID: 386
Redneck
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
ID: 91
Redneck
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president some day.)
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie.
What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby.
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What does the word "benign" mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.
What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.
+10,000 Jokes