ID: 15162
Redneck
A detachment of paratroopers was practicing in a rural area. One jumper landed on the property of an old mountain man and his very large family.
One of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out to his father, "Pa, bring your shotgun. The stork is bringing 'em full grown now!"
ID: 8443
Redneck
You are a redneck if:
You've ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost.
ID: 8311
Redneck
You are a redneck if:
you've ever killed someone over a "kick me" sign.
ID: 9531
Redneck
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."
ID: 8310
Redneck
You are a redneck if:
you have the same number of teeth as you have fingers.
ID: 10345
Redneck
You might be redneck if you've totaled every car you've owned.
ID: 6507
Redneck
One day there is a well-educated man sitting in a redneck bar reading a book. A Redneck happens to wander over to him and asks, "Whatcha there reading Mister?"
The educated man replies, "It's a book about logic".
Confused, the redneck replies "Logic? What's logic?"
The educated man explains to the man, "Logic is the ability to come to a conclusion knowing only one fact. For example, do you own a weed whacker?"
The Redneck shouts, "Hell yeah I own a weed whacker!"
So the educated man continues, "Well, if you have a weed whacker, and I know you have a weed whacker, I know you have a lawn. If I know you have a lawn I know you have a house. If you have a house, demographically speaking I can deduce that you are a white male, 35-50 yrs old, and a heterosexual. Therefore, by knowing that you have a weed whacker I know that you are straight. Am I correct?"
The redneck responds flabbergasted "Hell yeah you're right! I'll be damned". So the redneck runs back to his friends to tell them about this crazy logic thing. His friend asks "Logic, what's logic?"
The redneck says, "Here, I'll show ya... Do you own a weed whacker?"
The friend replies "No, I don't"
The redneck screams, "FAGGOT!!!"
ID: 7975
Redneck
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today
2. There is no limit
3. They taste just like chicken
4. They don't like beer, pickups, Harley Davidson's, country music or Jesus
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK
ID: 93
Redneck
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
Hire yew - noun. Greeting - How are you - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Howdy. How are you."
Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
Jawjuh - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Atlanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
Munts - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
Ignert - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
Ranch - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
All - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
Far - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
Bahs - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
Tar - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
Tire - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
Retard - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
Tarred - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
Fat - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Ar - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
Rats - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
Farn - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
Did - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
Ear - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
Bob war - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
Jew - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
Haze - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."
Saw - verb, past tense.
View - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
Heavy dew - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
Gummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
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