ID: 384
Redneck
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
ID: 6214
Redneck
1. You know you're a redneck when you go out with your girlfriend and you don't realize she has her other boyfriend with her.
2. You know you're a redneck when you use a barstool as a walker.
3. You know you're a redneck when your mowing your lawn and you find a car.
4. You know you're a redneck when you fall asleep with one hand down your pants and a beer in the other hand.
ID: 1136
Redneck
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it any more and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
ID: 7625
Redneck
Wonder if you are a redneck....Well, if you have been married four times and still have the same in-laws you must be.
ID: 6686
Redneck
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
ID: 5375
Redneck
How do you know if you're a redneck?
If you go to a cousin's wedding looking for a girlfriend.
ID: 2133
Redneck
Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...
your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
he says, "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
he says, "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
he paints the starship John Deere green
he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
he sets phaser to "Cajun"
ID: 6980
Redneck
"Hard drive" --
Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" --
1. Place to hang your truck keys.
2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em.
"Window" --
Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" --
When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" --
1. How you got rid of your dandelions.
2. What you did to da hay fields last July. (from NetDummy Humor)
"ROM" --
Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" --
First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" --
What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" --
Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" --
1. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
2. What leaves those little turds in da cupboard.
"LAN" --
To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" --
What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"Bit" --
A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"Digital Control" --
What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"Packet" --
What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
"Tab" --
The amount of money you owe the bartender out of your next paycheck.
"Space bar" --
Where aliens and astronauts go when they are thirsty.
"Backspace" --
The place in back of front seat of the car where you keep a case of beer.
"Alt" --
Form of verb "be" like, "I alt be gone now."
"Delete" --
The lighter object like, "Don't gimmy the heavy one, gimmy delete one."
"My Briefcase" --
What you put all your ol' stuff in when "she" gets mad at you.
"Shift" --
What you must do when blue lights come on.
"Disc" --
What you do before you plow, to level the ground.
"Ram" --
1. Dodge pick up truck.
2. Da hydraulic thing that makes da woodsplitter work.
"Rom" --
Wander: "Wher' ya goin?" "Ah dunnow. Recon I'll jus rom round"
"Refresh" --
Mix another Jack Daniels and 7.
"Browser" --
Bowser's name when you're drunk.
"Web" --
DUH? should be obvious. What spiders make, tickles yer butt when you gotta go while in the woods.
"Edit" --
Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.
"Gig" --
Frogging implement; frog gig. Used while air boating. A bamboo, or fiberglass pole with straightened fish hooks on the business end for spearing frogs.
"Internet" --
Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).
"Buddy list" --
Names and phone numbers on the inside wall of the public outhouse above the hole.
"Tab" --
Ancient soft drink, used to mix low calorie drinks with white lightnin.
"Computer Chips" --
What you have when your computer takes a dump, sorta like cow chips.
The following were contributed by Jeremy (The Yankee Redneck).
"Shift" --
What you do to get that truck to go.
"Ins" --
To Enter, as in, "Ins ya go, outs you go".
The following were contributed by Sonovabic.
"Scanner" --
1. What you do to a good lookin' woman.
2. What you listen to the police band on.
The following were taken from Net Dummy Humor.
"Log On" --
Making da wood stove hotter.
"Log Off " --
Don't add wood.
"Monitor" --
1. Keep an eye on da wood stove.
2. What you do when you suspect your wife of cheatin. (from Tweetheart86chic)
"Megahertz" --
When a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning.
"Floppy Disk" --
What you get from piling too much wood.
"Drive" --
Getting home during most of the winter in Kentucky.
"Prompt" --
What you wish da mail was during the snow season.
"Enter" --
Come on in.
"Windows" --
What you shut when it gets 10 below.
"Screen" --
What is a must during black fly season.
"Chip" --
What you munch during Wildcat's games.
"Microchip" --
What's left in da bag when da chips are gone.
"Dot Matrix" --
Eino Matrix's wife.
"Laptop" --
Where da grandkids sit.
"Software" --
Them plastic picnic utensils, eh?.
"Mainframe" --
Da part of da sauna that holds up da roof.
"Port" --
Where da commercial fishin boats dock.
"Random Access Memory" --
Whan you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when Wifee asks about it.
This is from an unknown source.
"Fonts" --
That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.
"Laptop" --
Where the stripper sits.
ID: 7089
Redneck
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Do you think my hair is too big?
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Do you think this baseball cap goes with this shirt?
Damned if that politician ain't honest!
We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
You can't feed that to the dog.
Trim the fat off that steak.
I just love the opera.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
Wrasslin's fake.
+10,000 Jokes