ID: 2676
Redneck
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side.
Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away). "Can I get me some chicken feed?" the man asked. "Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually got chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick," the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food for his dog. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk, "Smell this."
"That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face. "Oh... toilet paper."
ID: 1700
Redneck
You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph.
ID: 6398
Redneck
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again!"
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
ID: 7917
Redneck
Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. "Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin."
"Why is that an issue?" the dad says.
"Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?"
ID: 8443
Redneck
You are a redneck if:
You've ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost.
ID: 2678
Redneck
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
ID: 6980
Redneck
"Hard drive" --
Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" --
1. Place to hang your truck keys.
2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em.
"Window" --
Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" --
When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" --
1. How you got rid of your dandelions.
2. What you did to da hay fields last July. (from NetDummy Humor)
"ROM" --
Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" --
First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" --
What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" --
Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" --
1. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
2. What leaves those little turds in da cupboard.
"LAN" --
To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" --
What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"Bit" --
A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"Digital Control" --
What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"Packet" --
What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
"Tab" --
The amount of money you owe the bartender out of your next paycheck.
"Space bar" --
Where aliens and astronauts go when they are thirsty.
"Backspace" --
The place in back of front seat of the car where you keep a case of beer.
"Alt" --
Form of verb "be" like, "I alt be gone now."
"Delete" --
The lighter object like, "Don't gimmy the heavy one, gimmy delete one."
"My Briefcase" --
What you put all your ol' stuff in when "she" gets mad at you.
"Shift" --
What you must do when blue lights come on.
"Disc" --
What you do before you plow, to level the ground.
"Ram" --
1. Dodge pick up truck.
2. Da hydraulic thing that makes da woodsplitter work.
"Rom" --
Wander: "Wher' ya goin?" "Ah dunnow. Recon I'll jus rom round"
"Refresh" --
Mix another Jack Daniels and 7.
"Browser" --
Bowser's name when you're drunk.
"Web" --
DUH? should be obvious. What spiders make, tickles yer butt when you gotta go while in the woods.
"Edit" --
Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.
"Gig" --
Frogging implement; frog gig. Used while air boating. A bamboo, or fiberglass pole with straightened fish hooks on the business end for spearing frogs.
"Internet" --
Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).
"Buddy list" --
Names and phone numbers on the inside wall of the public outhouse above the hole.
"Tab" --
Ancient soft drink, used to mix low calorie drinks with white lightnin.
"Computer Chips" --
What you have when your computer takes a dump, sorta like cow chips.
The following were contributed by Jeremy (The Yankee Redneck).
"Shift" --
What you do to get that truck to go.
"Ins" --
To Enter, as in, "Ins ya go, outs you go".
The following were contributed by Sonovabic.
"Scanner" --
1. What you do to a good lookin' woman.
2. What you listen to the police band on.
The following were taken from Net Dummy Humor.
"Log On" --
Making da wood stove hotter.
"Log Off " --
Don't add wood.
"Monitor" --
1. Keep an eye on da wood stove.
2. What you do when you suspect your wife of cheatin. (from Tweetheart86chic)
"Megahertz" --
When a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning.
"Floppy Disk" --
What you get from piling too much wood.
"Drive" --
Getting home during most of the winter in Kentucky.
"Prompt" --
What you wish da mail was during the snow season.
"Enter" --
Come on in.
"Windows" --
What you shut when it gets 10 below.
"Screen" --
What is a must during black fly season.
"Chip" --
What you munch during Wildcat's games.
"Microchip" --
What's left in da bag when da chips are gone.
"Dot Matrix" --
Eino Matrix's wife.
"Laptop" --
Where da grandkids sit.
"Software" --
Them plastic picnic utensils, eh?.
"Mainframe" --
Da part of da sauna that holds up da roof.
"Port" --
Where da commercial fishin boats dock.
"Random Access Memory" --
Whan you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when Wifee asks about it.
This is from an unknown source.
"Fonts" --
That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.
"Laptop" --
Where the stripper sits.
ID: 1136
Redneck
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it any more and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
ID: 29
Redneck
You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand.
+10,000 Jokes