ID: 12582
Redneck
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.
"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked.
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
ID: 2626
Redneck
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
ID: 7089
Redneck
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Do you think my hair is too big?
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Do you think this baseball cap goes with this shirt?
Damned if that politician ain't honest!
We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
You can't feed that to the dog.
Trim the fat off that steak.
I just love the opera.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
Wrasslin's fake.
ID: 7975
Redneck
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today
2. There is no limit
3. They taste just like chicken
4. They don't like beer, pickups, Harley Davidson's, country music or Jesus
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK
ID: 7917
Redneck
Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. "Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin."
"Why is that an issue?" the dad says.
"Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?"
ID: 10742
Redneck
You might be a redneck if your dog is in your bed more than your wife.
ID: 13452
Redneck
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke?"
He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "and put it on my bill."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of backflips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
ID: 17793
Redneck
Two hillbillies just come out of a divorce court.
The ex-wife is crying her eyes out.
Her ex-husband comes over and says:
"There, there Missy, you're still my sister!"
ID: 15162
Redneck
A detachment of paratroopers was practicing in a rural area. One jumper landed on the property of an old mountain man and his very large family.
One of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out to his father, "Pa, bring your shotgun. The stork is bringing 'em full grown now!"
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