ID: 15103
Redneck
Your email address ends in "@over.yonder.com".
You have a bumper sticker on your truck that says "My other computer is a laptop".
You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder" and "Reckon".
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
Your laptop has a sticker on it that says "Protected by Smith & Wesson".
You've used jumper cables to wire your network.
Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go" and you still don't miss her.
You start all your emails with "Hey Bubba", or "Howdy Y'all".
ID: 3532
Redneck
#1 rule of a redneck-
If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.
ID: 414
Redneck
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer.
ID: 7088
Redneck
Two redneck airplane mechanics named Jim Bob and Jeb work at the Atlanta airport.
Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Jim Bob and Jeb have nothing to do.
After work Jim Bob and Jeb usally have a drink on their way home, so Jim Bob says to Jeb, "I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel." Since they have nothing better to do, they decide to try it.
The next morning Jim Bob calls Jeb and asks, "How are you feeling?"
Jeb says, "Fine, never felt better."
Jim Bob asks, "Do you have a hangover?"
Jeb says "no." Then he says, "Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover."
Then Jim Bob says, "Well, there is one side effect, have you farted yet?"
Jeb says, "No, why?"
Jim Bob says, "I'm calling you from Detroit!"
ID: 12608
Redneck
Far - What get the brandin arn hot.
Furred - He got furred from his job.
Flar - A rose is a purdy flar.
Frash - Them aigs ain't frash.
Furiners - All non-'bamans.
Further - Hits ten miles further to town.
Grain - She was grain with envy.
Hail - Where bad folks go.
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n.
Hilbilly - People in the next county.
Hollar – What's between the hills.
Hard - Got a brend new hard.
Tar - His core blew a tar.
Laymun - A sour fruit.
Laig - Most folks have two of them.
Lather - What you climb up.
Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin.
Mailk - what you get from cyows.
Mere - What you see yourself in.
ID: 12483
Redneck
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
ID: 91
Redneck
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president some day.)
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie.
What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby.
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What does the word "benign" mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.
What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.
ID: 10816
Redneck
"Rusty Bed Spings" by I.P Nitely
"Fell off a Cliff" By Ilene Dover
"Bounce of a Brick Wall" by Rick O'Shey
"Mini Skirts" by Seymour Buttz
"Race to the Outhouse" By Willie Makit"
and last but not least
"Guide to One Night Stands" by Juan Teboneya"
ID: 4212
Redneck
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
+10,000 Jokes