REDNECK

ID: 10347

Redneck

#3 Redneck

You might be a redneck if you have orange road cones in your living room!

ID: 7088

Redneck

Jet Fuel Alchoholics

Two redneck airplane mechanics named Jim Bob and Jeb work at the Atlanta airport.

Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Jim Bob and Jeb have nothing to do.

After work Jim Bob and Jeb usally have a drink on their way home, so Jim Bob says to Jeb, "I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel." Since they have nothing better to do, they decide to try it.

The next morning Jim Bob calls Jeb and asks, "How are you feeling?"

Jeb says, "Fine, never felt better."

Jim Bob asks, "Do you have a hangover?"

Jeb says "no." Then he says, "Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover."

Then Jim Bob says, "Well, there is one side effect, have you farted yet?"

Jeb says, "No, why?"

Jim Bob says, "I'm calling you from Detroit!"

ID: 1700

Redneck

Fastfood

You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph.

ID: 88

Redneck

Ways You Know You are a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

ID: 82

Redneck

Redneck State Form

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION


Name:
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

ID: 250

Redneck

Surgery the Redneck Way

There once was a redneck and his redneck wife. The wife didn't want another child, and asked the redneck husband to get surgery so he can't impregnate his wife.

The redneck goes to a very expensive doctor. The doctor who is in a hurry and is sure the redneck can't pay for his operation, just hands the redneck a firecracker and says, "Light this, hold it, count to 10." The redneck is confused but the doctor seems to know what he's doing.

The redneck goes home and lights the firecracker. He starts counting with the aid of his fingers... "1...2...3...4...5..." The redneck pauses, puts the firecracker between his legs and resumes counting on the other hand....

ID: 11038

Redneck

You Might be a Redneck If...5

You might be a redneck if you wore a jumper to your prom.

ID: 6406

Redneck

Most Common Phrase

If the most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle!"... you might be a redneck.

ID: 743

Redneck

You Know You're A Redneck If...

You hear crack is illegal and you pull up your pants.
Someone yells "Hoe Down" at a dance and your wife falls to the floor.
You use newspapers for more than 3 uses in your home.
Your family tree is a wreath.
If your home is mobile but the 4 cars in your yard are not.
Your father gave you this advice, "If you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family."
The last thing relatives say before they die is, "Hey Ya'll! Watch this!"

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