REDNECK

Redneck Words

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

Hire yew - noun. Greeting - How are you - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Howdy. How are you."

Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

Jawjuh - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Atlanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

Munts - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

Ignert - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

Ranch - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

All - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

Far - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

Bahs - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

Tar - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

Tire - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

Retard - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

Tarred - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

Fat - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

Ar - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

Rats - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

Farn - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

Did - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

Ear - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

Bob war - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

Jew - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

Haze - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

Saw - verb, past tense.

View - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

Heavy dew - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

Gummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Redneck: Bar

You might be a redneck if your bar tab has page numbers.

A Redneck Murder

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA is all the same.
2. There are no dental records.

You Know You're a Redneck When...

Things

40 Things Never Said By Southerners


40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Not Another Redneck Joke

You are a redneck if:

You think the following is funny

You haven't read the joke "You are a Redneck If... #900".

Lottery Ticket

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

My House

One time there was 2 rednecks Bob and John. They were best friends. Bob had just gone bankrupt so he asked John if he could move in with him. Now John didn't have a big house like Bob use to have but agreed to let him stay there till he got out of bankruptcy. The next day when Bob moved in, while at dinner Bob said: "John you know what?" John said:"What is it Bob?" "I thought my house was shitty. Then i came to yours."

You are a Redneck If... #15

You are a redneck if:

you have a glass eye collection.