REDNECK

U Might be

If you work without a shirt on, and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.

Arkansas Toothbrush

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".

Redneck Joke

You might be a redneck if your kids are named after the car they were made in.

Redneck Religion

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, ''If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' With even greater emphasis he said, ''And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' And then finally, he said, ''And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, "And today we will let someone in the crowd pick our closing song." A Alabama man raised his hand and said, "Fer are closin song, we gonna sing dat one Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'''

You Know You're a Redneck When...

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again!"
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

Duck Tape

#1 rule of a redneck-
If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.

Redneck Words

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

Hire yew - noun. Greeting - How are you - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Howdy. How are you."

Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

Jawjuh - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Atlanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

Munts - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

Ignert - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

Ranch - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

All - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

Far - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

Bahs - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

Tar - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

Tire - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

Retard - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

Tarred - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

Fat - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

Ar - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

Rats - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

Farn - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

Did - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

Ear - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

Bob war - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

Jew - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

Haze - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

Saw - verb, past tense.

View - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

Heavy dew - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

Gummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."