ID: 16826
Redneck
Managed to remember some MORE Redneck lines while hearing a couple more.
You know you're a redneck when:
You lost your virginity at the age of 11.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
Your TV is a bag of manure on fire.
Your "family reunion" was at the NRA convention.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
You've shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Making a chocolate cake has nothing to do with chocolate.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid
taste test.
ID: 8312
Redneck
You are a redneck if:
you've ever searched for gold in your grandpa's chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within.
ID: 2676
Redneck
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side.
Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away). "Can I get me some chicken feed?" the man asked. "Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually got chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick," the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food for his dog. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk, "Smell this."
"That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face. "Oh... toilet paper."
ID: 9403
Redneck
You might be a redneck if your baby stroller consists of a potato sack and a wheelbarrow.
ID: 10345
Redneck
You might be redneck if you've totaled every car you've owned.
ID: 91
Redneck
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president some day.)
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie.
What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby.
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What does the word "benign" mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.
What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.
ID: 2626
Redneck
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
ID: 6406
Redneck
If the most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle!"... you might be a redneck.
ID: 10551
Redneck
Where is the safest place to hide money from a redneck?
In his work boots!
How can you tell a redneck has been in your backyard?
Your bike is gone and the dog is pregnant!!
+10,000 Jokes