ID: 2677
Redneck
A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said "No way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ."
Well, she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married, to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said "I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy," so he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister.
In a couple of days they returned. The confused father asked "Where is your sister?"
They replied "We were almost there Dad, but we got to this overpass with a sign that said 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and drove the hell out of there!"
ID: 3532
Redneck
#1 rule of a redneck-
If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.
ID: 14325
Redneck
You might be a redneck if you carry more than two extra tires in the back of your truck.
ID: 14328
Redneck
You might be a redneck if the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism.
ID: 15776
Redneck
...a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
ID: 15260
Redneck
Why is Alabama the smartest state in the U.S.?
It has four "A"s and a "B".
ID: 13078
Redneck
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
Two days of drinking beer and not getting yelled at by the wife = Priceless!
ID: 14890
Redneck
- You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
- You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
- There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
ID: 12838
Redneck
You know you're from Oklahoma if:
a tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
you ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
you see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
little smokies are something you serve only for "special occasions".
you refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City".
you know cowpies are not made from beef.
someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
you have know someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
you aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
you learned to shoot a 12 guage shot gun before you learned to multiply.
And finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard or been a part of this conversation:
"Ya wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
+10,000 Jokes