ID: 17356
Puns
Me and my friend were IMing and it was like this...
Me:BRB
Him: kake
Me:heh
Him:I LIKE KAKE
Me:i like 3.1415926535
Him:Pi >:0
ID: 7943
Puns
What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear
ID: 1448
Puns
A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls.
One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for...
Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!
ID: 676
Puns
Anyone remember Roy Clark, host of TV's "Hee Haw"?
Once, cohost Buck Owens was visiting Roy's home in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. Roy was upset because he had just bought a beautiful new pair of genuine leather boots that were completely destroyed by a mountain lion the night before when Roy had left them on the back porch.
Roy was bound and determined to get the animal, so he and Buck, and several townspeople, took up arms and searched the hills. The group searched for hours to no avail. Then suddenly, Buck heard a feline wail.
Buck turns to his friend and sings:
"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
ID: 2245
Puns
Here's the day's stock market report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Rain dampened the rally.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
ID: 50
Puns
Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence?
Ya, it flows in our genes.
ID: 870
Puns
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
ID: 4537
Puns
Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, "Oh, God!"
The father quickly cautioned his son, "Please don't speak the Lord's name in vain."
The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, "Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?"
ID: 1816
Puns
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off singing -
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
+10,000 Jokes