ID: 14531
Puns
A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic.
While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself.
The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"
ID: 12409
Puns
If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.
ID: 11256
Puns
The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.
ID: 13492
Puns
-What do you call a dog in a submarine?
-A sub-woofer.
ID: 16338
Puns
There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10
ID: 14909
Puns
Why did the big knot give the little knot a time-out?
It was being knotty!
ID: 12605
Puns
A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him
Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
...BUMP,
it goes.. ...BUMP..
...BUMP..
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him..
Faster..
FASTER..
BUMP..
BUMP..
BUMP!
He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him..
However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP..
Hot on the heels of the terrified man..
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps..
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him..
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
but all he can find is a bottle of Benylin in the medicine cabinet.. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the coffin..
...the coffin stops!
ID: 11147
Puns
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
ID: 16394
Puns
Ryan: Hey Philip, what's that on your leg?
Philip: A shoe!
Ryan: Gesundheit!
Philip: No, you idiot, a shoe!
Ryan: No need to thank me, gesundheit!
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