ID: 7950
Puns
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
ID: 17199
Puns
I hear there's now a sine flu as well.
Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
ID: 14113
Puns
Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?
ID: 12318
Puns
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like...night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
ID: 11459
Puns
A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.
ID: 14497
Puns
A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first?
The fat woman - she takes bigger draws.
ID: 10005
Puns
Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study?
He wants to show them his executive branch.
ID: 8600
Puns
A young man worked at an aquarium feading the animals, cleaning the tanks and the like. One day his boss came to him and said, "We have a group of second-graders coming for a field trip in about thirty minutes and the dolphins are getting 'playful'. The only thing that will make the dolphins behave is baby seagull meat. I want you to take this bag and go down to the beach and get some baby seagulls, but be careful because a lion has escaped from the zoo. They say it's been shot with a tranq gun so it shouldn't be a problem."
So, the young man took the bag, made his way down to the beach and got the seagulls with no problem. He decided to take the short cut through the woods on his way back. Suddenly, as he rounded a bend in the path, he saw the escaped lion laying across the path ahead of him, apparently sleeping.
The bushes were rather thick at this point, so he had only two choices: go past the lion or back the way he came. He decided he didn't have enough time to go back. He got up his nerve and very,very carefully stepped over the lion. He did so without waking it and was breathing a sigh of relief when a police officer stepped out of the woods and told him he was under arrest.
"But, Officer, what's the charge?" he queried.
"Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion." (Transporting youing girls across state lines)
ID: 7189
Puns
A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man said.
The clerk nodded and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descended the ladder he mused that he really should get two loaves as he was having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread so he could continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she was tired, irritated, and thinking that she should really try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below.
She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?"
"No," croaked the old man, "but it's startin' to twitch."
+10,000 Jokes