ID: 17210
Puns
Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk.
He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?"
The friend replies, "Beats me!"
ID: 8177
Puns
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
ID: 15228
Puns
So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close."
He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights." - Tommy Cooper.
ID: 15225
Puns
Collecting Unemployment
Ole and Sven worked together and both were laid off, so they headed over to the unemployment office.
When Ole was asked his occupation, he replied, "Panty stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classed as unskilled labor, so she gave Ole $250 a week unemployment pay.
She then asked Sven what his occupation was, and he replied, "Diesel fitter."
Looking up diesel fitter, the clerk found it classed as skilled labor, so she gave Sven $500 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the amount that he was.
"Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor," the clerk explained.
"What skill?" Ole yelled. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Ya, diesel fitter'!"
ID: 15317
Puns
After Receiving an Invitation to an Inventors' Ball:
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
ID: 3217
Puns
Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."
Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."
While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."
Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"
ID: 7925
Puns
What did the sick pony say to its mother?
I'm a little hoarse.
ID: 15024
Puns
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
ID: 14899
Puns
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger.
Then it hit me...
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