ID: 5944
Puns
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed, but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?" Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past the Finkelstein shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. " 'Jesus & Finkelstein' it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. " 'Finkelstein & Jesus'. After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited but ultimately fruitful, and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
And of course, this shop is still here to this day. Can you guess what it is? Now this may hurt a bit...
Don't say you weren't warned...
LORD & TAYLOR
ID: 13975
Puns
How did Alfo make a quart of juice from 3 oranges?
It was a tight squeeze.
ID: 3750
Puns
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."
ID: 3415
Puns
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
ID: 3343
Puns
Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:
"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first."
--Oscar Levant
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
--Fred Allen
"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
--G. C. Lichtenberg
ID: 6221
Puns
You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
ID: 2080
Puns
A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
ID: 652
Puns
Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods?
Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
ID: 201
Puns
Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
+10,000 Jokes