ID: 2642
Puns
There was a couple doing yard work, and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. The husband is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee (need) and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells, confused. So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods as if she understands and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her bum and then rubs her crotch.
Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?"
She answered, "I said, 'Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.'"
ID: 15165
Puns
With what kind of bread do elves make their sandwiches?
Shortbread!
ID: 14897
Puns
Nine cats were on a boat. One jumped off. How many were left?
None. They were all copy-cats!
ID: 15319
Puns
What does the dentist of the year get?
..A little plaque.
ID: 12651
Puns
What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday?
"Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!"
ID: 14268
Puns
Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.
ID: 11913
Puns
There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, "We're making you Chief Area Salesman," and I swerved.
Ten minutes later, he called again, "You're now Deputy Area Manager," and I swerved again.
Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, "You're now Vice Chairman," and I swerved right off the road into a ditch.
When the police asked what had happened, I said, "I just careered off the road."
ID: 11586
Puns
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ID: 13071
Puns
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that allowed them to claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf became a well traveled trail through the jungle.
All day, every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and very publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, the travelers had to walk and cut vines with their machetes, and all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After setting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
+10,000 Jokes