ID: 8161
Puns
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"
ID: 5939
Puns
CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go?
CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
ID: 174
Puns
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
ID: 3506
Puns
So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following sign:
"This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
ID: 3343
Puns
Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:
"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first."
--Oscar Levant
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
--Fred Allen
"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
--G. C. Lichtenberg
ID: 4980
Puns
I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
ID: 2828
Puns
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?
A. He felt his presence!
ID: 9042
Puns
Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent.
She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
ID: 14135
Puns
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell.
Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."
Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I miss him a lot."
St. Peter looked at Larry with pity, and said to him, "I tell you what; I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"
This made Larry very happy, and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened, he was met by Sam. They hugged each other and they were off. You see, in Hell, Sam owned a disco. They spent the day there together, and had a great time. At the end of the day, Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together, said their goodbyes, and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted there by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"
Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so, I have my halo and my wings."
St. Peter said, "Yes, but what about your harp?"
Larry gasped and said, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"
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