ID: 16720
Puns
Going home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword.
Three more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, "If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade."
ID: 11917
Puns
Tons of Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
ID: 13580
Puns
Fe Fe Fe
\ | /
Fe --*-- Fe
/ | \
Fe Fe Fe
A ferris wheel
ID: 12624
Puns
Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table.
On his way home he started to feel guilty. "It was just one donut," he told himself "just one dollar, thats all."
"But it was a dollar that the church should have." Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.
When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.
It took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.
The next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference room B seemed to taunt him.
Again that night he took an hour to fall asleep.
By the next day he couldn't take it anymore on his lunch break he drove right for the church. He parked his car and went to the coffessional.
"Hello, my son" The priest said in an old wise voice. The man replied, "Good afternoon father, its been 48 hours since my last confection..."
ID: 14135
Puns
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell.
Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."
Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I miss him a lot."
St. Peter looked at Larry with pity, and said to him, "I tell you what; I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"
This made Larry very happy, and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened, he was met by Sam. They hugged each other and they were off. You see, in Hell, Sam owned a disco. They spent the day there together, and had a great time. At the end of the day, Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together, said their goodbyes, and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted there by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"
Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so, I have my halo and my wings."
St. Peter said, "Yes, but what about your harp?"
Larry gasped and said, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"
ID: 12442
Puns
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.
ID: 11094
Puns
Why did the kid like the bowl of carrots and peas?
Because he could eat every carrot and pea in the bowl.
ID: 13610
Puns
A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
ID: 13492
Puns
-What do you call a dog in a submarine?
-A sub-woofer.
+10,000 Jokes