ID: 11087
Puns
What do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard?
A: A liquor cabinet!
ID: 18016
Puns
If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh?
-Meat
ID: 14995
Puns
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
ID: 14587
Puns
What do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown?
A cappuchino.
ID: 15347
Puns
Astronomy is looking up.
ID: 15079
Puns
The Reverend Paul Fuzz was the pastor of a small congregation in a little town. One day, as he was walking down Main Street, he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking. He felt this was very sinful and definitely not something a member of his congregation should do. He entered the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Thomson," the Reverend said sternly, "this is no place for a member of my congregation to be. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Okay," slurred the very drunk woman.
When Mrs. Thomson stood up, she began to weave back and forth. Realizing she had had far too much to drink, the Reverend grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and fell to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the Reverend ended up laying on top of her, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Listen here, buddy, this isn't the place for that!"
The Reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Oh hell, if you're in that far, I guess you may as well finish up!"
ID: 14730
Puns
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
- The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
ID: 14847
Puns
A U.S. Mint spokesperson announced the plans for a new fifty-cent piece that was being issued in the honor of two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. When questioned by a reporter why two people were going to appear on the same coin, the spokesperson replied, "These two men were selected to simplify life for a vast majority of Americans."
The reporter then asked, "Could you explain how this would simplify life for Americans?"
The official responded, "Certainly, I'd be happy to. Now, when they toss a coin, they can simply call Ted's or Hale's."
ID: 15121
Puns
Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself.
So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo.
He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"
+10,000 Jokes