ID: 9789
Puns
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will.
At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."
ID: 15309
Puns
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
ID: 13454
Puns
My geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon."
"What about two sided ones?" I asked.
"They don't exist," was his response.
"I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
ID: 12104
Puns
What was 50 Cent's daughter named?
Penny!
ID: 12318
Puns
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like...night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
ID: 11474
Puns
Tommy the Hedgehog was one of a rare sub-division which suffered a small but significant genetic defect.
This defect manifested itself in a malformed penis, which divided into four branches; though a little unusual, it was a good way to meet a lot of intrigued girl hedgehogs, so Tommy was a rather proud of this abnormality.
One peculiarity of his family was the way that he slept; curled up in a ball, lying on his back, and it was while taking a nap one day that he felt a terrible pain in the genital region.
He jumped up to see his penis disappear down the throat of a large cat.
"What the HELL are you playing at?" shouted Tommy; "I'm awfully sorry," replied the cat, "it's just that I'm a four-point tool eater jaguar."
ID: 11834
Puns
I tried to walk into Target one day...
I missed
ID: 18099
Puns
There was a king who was very greedy; he ruled a land called Drid. Every day he would take all the money and food the Drids had that day. This had gone on for years and the Drids were sick of it.
One day a rabbi walked into the town and saw that all the people were unhappy. He went to a man and asked him what was wrong. The man replied, "Our king takes all of our food and money and we hardly have anything. He lives wealthily while many of us starve."
The rabbi pondered thus for a minute and said to the man, "Gather up all your people. I have an idea." Later that night, all the people were gathered in the town square. The man said to them, "You guys need to stand up for yourselves. Have any of you actually tried to talk with this king?" The townspeople all murmured. "Well, one of you should talk to him tomorrow and demand he stops." One man stood up and said he would do it.
The next day the man and the rabbi went up to the king's castle which was up high on a hill. He said to the king, "Please, oh great king, your people are starving and we have no money. Could you please spare us some of what we make?" The king was infuriated; he kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi watched as the king did this. Later that night the rabbi had the same speech and said they need to bargain with the king. Another man volunteered.
The next day the man and the rabbi walked up the hill to the king. The man said to the king, "Oh great king, would you please let us have some of our money and food back? We will double our crop and still give you most but could you spare us some?" The king was even more infuriated and kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi was astonished. He gathered the townspeople in the center and declared that he would go talk to the king.
The next day the Rabbi walked up the hill by himself to the king. "King!" he roared. "I have traveled far and wide and when I came to your town I saw that your people were unhappy. I have found out what you were doing to them. I am appalled! They are treated poorly and you must stop taking your people's food or they all will starve to death!"
The king pondered this for a moment and said to the rabbi, "I have heard what you have to say and I will stop stealing from my townspeople. I have enough wealth already, I guess I could spare them."
The rabbi had one more question for the king. "Why do you kick your townpeople down the hill?"
The king laughed and replied, "Silly rabbi; kicks are for Drids."
ID: 12422
Puns
Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?
+10,000 Jokes