PUNS

ID: 15488

Puns

The New Car

"Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought?"
Tom asked onerously.

ID: 652

Puns

Kidnapping in the Woods...

Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods?

Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...

ID: 4431

Puns

Church Restoration Project

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

ID: 5281

Puns

Golf Ball

A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.

ID: 4942

Puns

Bare Arms

Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.

ID: 3798

Puns

Once There was a Mad Scientist...

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.

A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest!"

"What for?" the mad scientist asked.

And the policeman answered:

For making an obscene clone fall.

ID: 6749

Puns

Wooden Eye

When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye (this was a long time ago). He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn't have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip (this gave her an extreme lisp) we decided to set them up. He goes up to her and asks her out to the Prom. She said, "Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?" and he said, "Hairlip, hairlip." and they never spoke again.

ID: 4980

Puns

Raising the Bar

I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

ID: 8290

Puns

What's Kermit the Frog's Middle Name?

What is Kermit the Frog's middle name?

The.

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