ID: 12409
Puns
If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.
ID: 50
Puns
Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence?
Ya, it flows in our genes.
ID: 858
Puns
The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin."
The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."
ID: 1954
Puns
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
ID: 10004
Puns
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
ID: 9417
Puns
There once was an American Indian whose given name was "OneStone". He was so named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him OneStone. After years and years of torment, OneStone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me OneStone again, I will kill them!"
Word quickly spread and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named BlueBird forgot and said, "Good morning, OneStone."
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. Then he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. Word got around that OneStone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named YellowBird returned to the village after being away for many years. YellowBird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw OneStone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, OneStone."
OneStone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, and made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird just wouldn't die!
The Moral of this story:
"You can't kill two Birds with OneStone."
ID: 908
Puns
Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.
ID: 2106
Puns
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning, madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though... they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will, thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesetheeggswerequiteatrocious!"
ID: 12695
Puns
What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread?
Peanut battering jelly.
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