PUNS

ID: 17356

Puns

Numbers

Me and my friend were IMing and it was like this...

Me:BRB

Him: kake


Me:heh


Him:I LIKE KAKE


Me:i like 3.1415926535


Him:Pi >:0

ID: 13368

Puns

The Boll Weevils

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

ID: 13020

Puns

Road Trip

This summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts.

ID: 13482

Puns

French Polisher

One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

ID: 12605

Puns

The Coffin

A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him

Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

...BUMP,

it goes.. ...BUMP..

...BUMP..

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him..

Faster..

FASTER..

BUMP..

BUMP..

BUMP!

He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him..

However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP..

Clappity-BUMP..

Clappity-BUMP..

Hot on the heels of the terrified man..

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps..

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping towards him..

The man screams and reaches for something, anything...

but all he can find is a bottle of Benylin in the medicine cabinet.. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the coffin..



...the coffin stops!

ID: 13975

Puns

Oranges

How did Alfo make a quart of juice from 3 oranges?





It was a tight squeeze.

ID: 13972

Puns

Brain Surgeon

What did Margie say about her brain surgeon?





"I really gave him a piece of my mind!"

ID: 11474

Puns

The Rare Hedgehog

Tommy the Hedgehog was one of a rare sub-division which suffered a small but significant genetic defect.

This defect manifested itself in a malformed penis, which divided into four branches; though a little unusual, it was a good way to meet a lot of intrigued girl hedgehogs, so Tommy was a rather proud of this abnormality.

One peculiarity of his family was the way that he slept; curled up in a ball, lying on his back, and it was while taking a nap one day that he felt a terrible pain in the genital region.

He jumped up to see his penis disappear down the throat of a large cat.

"What the HELL are you playing at?" shouted Tommy; "I'm awfully sorry," replied the cat, "it's just that I'm a four-point tool eater jaguar."

ID: 2828

Puns

Darth Vader

Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?

A. He felt his presence!

VIEW MORE ON APP