ID: 12971
Puns
Have you heard about camping?
It's intense. (In tents!)
ID: 12211
Puns
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
ID: 15121
Puns
Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself.
So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo.
He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"
ID: 12547
Puns
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When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"
ID: 12516
Puns
There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years.
One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic.
"Dominic?" he shouts.
"Artie?" Dominic replied.
Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career.
"I'm an inventor," Dominic said.
"Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!"
"Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!"
"Well, hey," Artie said, "I'm a hit man! I can knock her off for ya!"
Dominick was pleased with this idea, and offered Artie a great deal of money to do this. Artie, however would not take it, saying that it would be free for his best friend. Dominick felt bad about this, and kept trying to pay SOMETHING to Artie, but he refused. Finally Dominic said, "Listen, let me pay you, all right? Just a dollar, okay? A dollar to say that I paid you. Please?" Finally, Artie agreed to the cost of one dollar, and the plans were made.
Later, while Dominic was away, Artie went to his house and strangled his wife. Just as she died, the butler walked into the room, so Artie strangled him as well. Seconds after his death, in walked the maid, so once again, he was forced to strangle another person. Finally, after she was dead, he raced out of the house and down the street, but was caught by the police.
Next day the headlines read:
ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!
ID: 12565
Puns
Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking.
"But you must be able to find it," says one.
"We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!"
ID: 12409
Puns
If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.
ID: 12592
Puns
A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.
The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.
The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.
The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"
ID: 11256
Puns
The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.
+10,000 Jokes