ID: 11774
Puns
A paper bag goes to his doctor, who says; "Your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news. You have AIDS.
"That's impossible," cried the paper bag, "I've not had any form of sexual contact, nor am I a drug user!"
"In that case," said the doctor, "your father must have been a carrier."
ID: 10
Puns
Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?"
Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment."
Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."
ID: 2642
Puns
There was a couple doing yard work, and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. The husband is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee (need) and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells, confused. So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods as if she understands and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her bum and then rubs her crotch.
Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?"
She answered, "I said, 'Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.'"
ID: 1870
Puns
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
ID: 6990
Puns
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen.
Q: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
A: Justin.
Q: What do you call a girl who gambles?
A: Betty.
Q: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river?
A: Bridget.
Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg?
A: Jean.
Q: What do you call a man who's a talented painter?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you call a lady in the distance?
A: Dot.
Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lily.
Q: What do you call a man with numbers down his front?
A: Bill.
Q: What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?
A: Russel.
Q: What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
A: Warren.
Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff.
Q: What do you call a man who steals a lot?
A: Robin.
ID: 8
Puns
I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
ID: 246
Puns
Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
The nun replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?"
ID: 10884
Puns
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
ID: 14844
Puns
How does a sperm bank treat its donors?
On a first come, first serve basis.
+10,000 Jokes