ID: 5657
Puns
The Mexican was finally caught on the borderline of the US by an American cop.
The Mexican begged, "Pleese, siir. I muss stay here in America. I muss!"
But the American still wasn't convinced. So, the Mexican pleaded more and more with very bad English. At last, the cop, assuming the Mexican's English couldn't get any worst, said to the Mexican, "I will let you stay if you can use 3 words in one sentence."
The Mexican thought for a while, and replied, "Is all right. I say. I say."
The cop said, "The words are: Green, pink and yellow."
After a few seconds of consideration, the Mexican responded, "Da phone - it rang: Green, green, green. I pink it up and sez, 'yellow?'"
ID: 8799
Puns
One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"
ID: 6221
Puns
You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
ID: 1446
Puns
One day 4 Friars decided to take an early retirement. So they retired and spent most of their time at home. Getting bored with retirement they decided they needed to try something new. After talking it over they decided to open a floral shop in the town. They knew a bit about gardening and could probably make some nice profits.
So they set up shop and had the best flowers in all of town. People always bought their flowers instead of the competitions down the street. The competitions owner was pretty mad and one day he went up to the friars and said, "If you dont close this shop down in one week I will make you pay."
Not willing to back down to a threat the friars stayed in business for another week. Then the competitions owner came up to them with a message, "My son Hugh is getting out of jail in an hour. He'll be here to make sure you close down this shop."
An hour or two later a huge man came into the shop and started wrecking everything. He smashed vases, ripped apart flowers, and broke the shops windows while the terrified friars hid under the shops counter. When Hugh was through he left but gave them a warning, "If you rebuild your business I'll be back."
The Moral - "Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars."
ID: 1252
Puns
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
ID: 7473
Puns
Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called Predicaments
ID: 10884
Puns
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
ID: 13568
Puns
El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries.
A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm and sank 65 times.
ID: 12971
Puns
Have you heard about camping?
It's intense. (In tents!)
+10,000 Jokes