ID: 8628
Puns
Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell?
A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!
ID: 16379
Puns
Teacher: Jackie, please use the word "climate" in a sentence
please.
Jackie: Sure, I have a cherry tree in my backyard, but my parents won't let me "climate"
Teacher: That's correct!
Teacher: Now, Luis use the word "arrest" in a sentence.
Luis: Sure, after running a mile I need "arrest"
ID: 12624
Puns
Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table.
On his way home he started to feel guilty. "It was just one donut," he told himself "just one dollar, thats all."
"But it was a dollar that the church should have." Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.
When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.
It took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.
The next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference room B seemed to taunt him.
Again that night he took an hour to fall asleep.
By the next day he couldn't take it anymore on his lunch break he drove right for the church. He parked his car and went to the coffessional.
"Hello, my son" The priest said in an old wise voice. The man replied, "Good afternoon father, its been 48 hours since my last confection..."
ID: 12605
Puns
A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him
Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
...BUMP,
it goes.. ...BUMP..
...BUMP..
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him..
Faster..
FASTER..
BUMP..
BUMP..
BUMP!
He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him..
However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP..
Hot on the heels of the terrified man..
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps..
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him..
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
but all he can find is a bottle of Benylin in the medicine cabinet.. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the coffin..
...the coffin stops!
ID: 11140
Puns
Why don't elephants smoke?
Their butts don't fit in the ash tray
ID: 11230
Puns
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.
ID: 12410
Puns
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!
ID: 11913
Puns
There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, "We're making you Chief Area Salesman," and I swerved.
Ten minutes later, he called again, "You're now Deputy Area Manager," and I swerved again.
Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, "You're now Vice Chairman," and I swerved right off the road into a ditch.
When the police asked what had happened, I said, "I just careered off the road."
ID: 11298
Puns
A complex is a phobia.
A complex is a large building.
A complex is another word for complicated.
So if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex.
+10,000 Jokes