ID: 14995
Puns
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
ID: 3685
Puns
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said 'SIT'! Now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare and I can't do a thing with it!
ID: 10611
Puns
What do scientists use to freshen their breath?
Experi-mints
ID: 3748
Puns
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."
ID: 2828
Puns
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?
A. He felt his presence!
ID: 3750
Puns
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."
ID: 7381
Puns
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
ID: 7816
Puns
A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.
As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also."
Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "Yo! I'm Leonard T." He sat in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.
They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special."
As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.
As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal?
"I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
ID: 6084
Puns
Goldilocks was walking along one sunny afternoon when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with three bowls of steaming porridge. "Hello?" she called out, but no one was home. She tried the first bowl, but it was too hot. She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. Then she tried the third bowl, and it was just right.
"Wow," she said, once she had finished the meal. "Now I'm feeling very sleepy." So she wandered around looking for a bed. She couldn't find one anywhere on the bottom floor.
Finally, she found a staircase at one end of the house. She climbed up the steps and went into the first room. There was a great big bed in the middle of the room, so Goldilocks jumped right in. "Yikes!" she exclaimed. "This one's too hard!"
She wandered to the next room. There she found another bed, and hopped right in it. But it was too soft.
By this time, Goldilocks was very tired. She went into the third room, and yelled out in surprise. There were three pink pigs cowering in the corner of the room. "Wait a second," she said. "You guys are in the wrong fairy tale."
"No, we're not," answered one of the pigs. "Don't you know this is a two-story house?"
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