ID: 7381
Puns
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
ID: 13987
Puns
How does a rodeo star get around?
With a cattle-act.
ID: 701
Puns
What happens when the smog clears over southern California?
UCLA
ID: 10577
Puns
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.
Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling.
ID: 5947
Puns
BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day.
JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you?
BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...
ID: 8089
Puns
It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end.
Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need:
They let Brittney Spears reproduce.
Ohh that poor poor child!!
ID: 18099
Puns
There was a king who was very greedy; he ruled a land called Drid. Every day he would take all the money and food the Drids had that day. This had gone on for years and the Drids were sick of it.
One day a rabbi walked into the town and saw that all the people were unhappy. He went to a man and asked him what was wrong. The man replied, "Our king takes all of our food and money and we hardly have anything. He lives wealthily while many of us starve."
The rabbi pondered thus for a minute and said to the man, "Gather up all your people. I have an idea." Later that night, all the people were gathered in the town square. The man said to them, "You guys need to stand up for yourselves. Have any of you actually tried to talk with this king?" The townspeople all murmured. "Well, one of you should talk to him tomorrow and demand he stops." One man stood up and said he would do it.
The next day the man and the rabbi went up to the king's castle which was up high on a hill. He said to the king, "Please, oh great king, your people are starving and we have no money. Could you please spare us some of what we make?" The king was infuriated; he kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi watched as the king did this. Later that night the rabbi had the same speech and said they need to bargain with the king. Another man volunteered.
The next day the man and the rabbi walked up the hill to the king. The man said to the king, "Oh great king, would you please let us have some of our money and food back? We will double our crop and still give you most but could you spare us some?" The king was even more infuriated and kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi was astonished. He gathered the townspeople in the center and declared that he would go talk to the king.
The next day the Rabbi walked up the hill by himself to the king. "King!" he roared. "I have traveled far and wide and when I came to your town I saw that your people were unhappy. I have found out what you were doing to them. I am appalled! They are treated poorly and you must stop taking your people's food or they all will starve to death!"
The king pondered this for a moment and said to the rabbi, "I have heard what you have to say and I will stop stealing from my townspeople. I have enough wealth already, I guess I could spare them."
The rabbi had one more question for the king. "Why do you kick your townpeople down the hill?"
The king laughed and replied, "Silly rabbi; kicks are for Drids."
ID: 4431
Puns
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
ID: 8
Puns
I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
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