ID: 15024
Puns
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
ID: 14847
Puns
A U.S. Mint spokesperson announced the plans for a new fifty-cent piece that was being issued in the honor of two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. When questioned by a reporter why two people were going to appear on the same coin, the spokesperson replied, "These two men were selected to simplify life for a vast majority of Americans."
The reporter then asked, "Could you explain how this would simplify life for Americans?"
The official responded, "Certainly, I'd be happy to. Now, when they toss a coin, they can simply call Ted's or Hale's."
ID: 14531
Puns
A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic.
While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself.
The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"
ID: 8
Puns
I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
ID: 7301
Puns
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
ID: 10643
Puns
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat. The giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself, and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink, and, after a while, they order the same again.
They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them, and ordering another load, untill suddenly, the giraffe falls off his stool, and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door.
The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door "You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!"
The man replies, "Its not a lion, its a giraffe!"
ID: 9789
Puns
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will.
At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."
ID: 7059
Puns
There was a Mexican family living in Mexico. The father of the family wasn't making very much money and he decided that he and his family were going to move to America in order to live a better life, so the family moved to America.
The Mexican man didn't found a job there, and his family was starving, so he went outside, climbed a hill, and bent down under a pine tree to pray for God to help his family get through their situation.
While he was praying, a black man was coming out of a grocery store on top of the hill. He had a sack in one hand with a wheel of cheese in it. The bag was heavy, and right as the Mexican man was getting up from praying, the bag broke and the wheel of cheese rolled down the hill.
The Mexican man saw it, picked it up, and ran non-stop to his home. He gave it to his wife and told her to make nacho cheese out of it. His wife said, "Well, why can't we make something else out of it?" and he said, "Cause all the way home God was tellin' me, that's nacho cheese, that's nacho cheese!"
ID: 15389
Puns
If Henry IV were cloned, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Jr. or,
would he be Henry IV Part II?
(Willy Wagstaff, more usually known as William Shakespeare)
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