ID: 11913
Puns
There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, "We're making you Chief Area Salesman," and I swerved.
Ten minutes later, he called again, "You're now Deputy Area Manager," and I swerved again.
Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, "You're now Vice Chairman," and I swerved right off the road into a ditch.
When the police asked what had happened, I said, "I just careered off the road."
ID: 2828
Puns
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?
A. He felt his presence!
ID: 10643
Puns
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat. The giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself, and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink, and, after a while, they order the same again.
They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them, and ordering another load, untill suddenly, the giraffe falls off his stool, and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door.
The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door "You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!"
The man replies, "Its not a lion, its a giraffe!"
ID: 3966
Puns
A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond.
Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.
ID: 12624
Puns
Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table.
On his way home he started to feel guilty. "It was just one donut," he told himself "just one dollar, thats all."
"But it was a dollar that the church should have." Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.
When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.
It took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.
The next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference room B seemed to taunt him.
Again that night he took an hour to fall asleep.
By the next day he couldn't take it anymore on his lunch break he drove right for the church. He parked his car and went to the coffessional.
"Hello, my son" The priest said in an old wise voice. The man replied, "Good afternoon father, its been 48 hours since my last confection..."
ID: 13264
Puns
What did one earthquake say to another?
Oops! My fault!
ID: 10726
Puns
A boy asked to his girl friends:
What does a gay cow eat?
all of his friends failed to answer.
Then he stood up, and with a gay-est falsetto voice he said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!
ID: 16739
Puns
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
Who remarked it was a shame the old man
Was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
So they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought
They were stupid to walk when they had a
Decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people
Who shamed them by saying how awful to
Put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right,
So they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge,
They lost their grip on the animal
And he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
You might as well..
Kiss your *** goodbye!
ID: 3652
Puns
First, you get a little hoarse.
Then, you get a little buggy.
+10,000 Jokes