ID: 2207
Puns
A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
ID: 3685
Puns
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said 'SIT'! Now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare and I can't do a thing with it!
ID: 3497
Puns
What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg?
You're in hot water now!!!
ID: 4942
Puns
Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.
ID: 3506
Puns
So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following sign:
"This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
ID: 1439
Puns
When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.
ID: 9890
Puns
A guy goes to a fancy French restaurant. He's feeling adventurous, so he decides to order the squid. He is told that they are kept alive in a small aquarium in the restaurant, so that they are really fresh. As he's ordered squid, he can choose which squid he would like to eat!
He goes over to the aquarium and sees the squid swimming around. There's one squid that looks really sick - it's gone a strange shade of green, and even has strange fuzz growing around it's mouth. The guy is kind of grossed out, but he thinks - this poor squid - it looks really miserable, and no-one's going to choose it! Maybe I should put it out of its misery. So he asks the head chef - Gervaise - to cook up the little runt. Gervaise is surprised, but dips his hand in and grabs the squid.
Gervaise takes it into the kitchen, but as he's preparing to bring his cleaver down on the squid, it just looks so pathetic - twitching around. He can't do it. But still, the customer needs his squid! So he asks his Austrian kitchen assistant - Hans - to do the deed for him.
But Hans can't do it either! The squid is just so pathetic and helpless.
Which just goes to show...
Hans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervaise with vile, green, hairy-lipped squid.
ID: 7185
Puns
Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?
A: It becomes a little pale.
ID: 10612
Puns
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks
+10,000 Jokes