ID: 13494
Puns
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn," to which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
ID: 13541
Puns
"Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven."
"I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?"
"Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'."
ID: 18176
Puns
Two guys are eating a hamburger at a fast food place.
1st Guy- Does your hamburger taste funny?
2nd Guy- No just yours. Mine doesn't have a sense of humor.
ID: 13988
Puns
What happened when Ray Johnson fell off the Empire State Building?
Now everyone calls him x-ray.
ID: 11616
Puns
A sailor came home from his 5-year sea voyage, and had two bird-cages with him.
He holds them up, and says to his wife, "Do you want the parrot, or do you want the cockatoo?"
She replies, "I'll have the parrot, I've had a cockatoo while you were away!"
ID: 11774
Puns
A paper bag goes to his doctor, who says; "Your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news. You have AIDS.
"That's impossible," cried the paper bag, "I've not had any form of sexual contact, nor am I a drug user!"
"In that case," said the doctor, "your father must have been a carrier."
ID: 12624
Puns
Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table.
On his way home he started to feel guilty. "It was just one donut," he told himself "just one dollar, thats all."
"But it was a dollar that the church should have." Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.
When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.
It took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.
The next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference room B seemed to taunt him.
Again that night he took an hour to fall asleep.
By the next day he couldn't take it anymore on his lunch break he drove right for the church. He parked his car and went to the coffessional.
"Hello, my son" The priest said in an old wise voice. The man replied, "Good afternoon father, its been 48 hours since my last confection..."
ID: 12316
Puns
- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
- Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
ID: 12265
Puns
The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.
He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.
+10,000 Jokes