ID: 15649
Puns
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me
Fool me thrice you are not nice
Fool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass.
ID: 12516
Puns
There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years.
One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic.
"Dominic?" he shouts.
"Artie?" Dominic replied.
Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career.
"I'm an inventor," Dominic said.
"Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!"
"Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!"
"Well, hey," Artie said, "I'm a hit man! I can knock her off for ya!"
Dominick was pleased with this idea, and offered Artie a great deal of money to do this. Artie, however would not take it, saying that it would be free for his best friend. Dominick felt bad about this, and kept trying to pay SOMETHING to Artie, but he refused. Finally Dominic said, "Listen, let me pay you, all right? Just a dollar, okay? A dollar to say that I paid you. Please?" Finally, Artie agreed to the cost of one dollar, and the plans were made.
Later, while Dominic was away, Artie went to his house and strangled his wife. Just as she died, the butler walked into the room, so Artie strangled him as well. Seconds after his death, in walked the maid, so once again, he was forced to strangle another person. Finally, after she was dead, he raced out of the house and down the street, but was caught by the police.
Next day the headlines read:
ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!
ID: 12565
Puns
Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking.
"But you must be able to find it," says one.
"We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!"
ID: 11768
Puns
I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set.
The salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that - clearly printed on the box was "Built in Antenna."
ID: 14726
Puns
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes.
She blew her stack.
ID: 10005
Puns
Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study?
He wants to show them his executive branch.
ID: 3779
Puns
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says it cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"
ID: 12410
Puns
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!
ID: 858
Puns
The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin."
The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."
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