ID: 12764
Puns
Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped...
So i was falling for an hour and a half.
ID: 5939
Puns
CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go?
CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
ID: 3650
Puns
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one---a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM".
They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry------no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.
She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U" - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a .... COMMON TATER!!!
(..think about it...)
ID: 1252
Puns
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
ID: 1127
Puns
The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster - an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me."
"I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him."
The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?"
There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."
ID: 246
Puns
Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
The nun replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?"
ID: 2245
Puns
Here's the day's stock market report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Rain dampened the rally.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
ID: 636
Puns
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, and getting
in and out past incredible security, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!
ID: 1655
Puns
A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."
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