ID: 12094
Puns
The three stages of sex in marriage:
Tri-weekly, Try-weekly, Try-weakly.
ID: 13484
Puns
One day two robins walked along the road, planning their day.
Robin #1:Oh my god, we totally have to get some bronzing oil!
Robin #2:Duh, I mean if are going to spend the whole day at the beach we totally have to!
That day while the robins were tanning on the beach a big bad fox came along. He took one look at them and said:
Fox:Mmmm, I love Baskin' Robins!
ID: 13543
Puns
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter said,"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What do you pick to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
ID: 11298
Puns
A complex is a phobia.
A complex is a large building.
A complex is another word for complicated.
So if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex.
ID: 12764
Puns
Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped...
So i was falling for an hour and a half.
ID: 13264
Puns
What did one earthquake say to another?
Oops! My fault!
ID: 12028
Puns
Drink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you.
(O.J. = Orange Juice)
ID: 12547
Puns
.
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"
ID: 12624
Puns
Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table.
On his way home he started to feel guilty. "It was just one donut," he told himself "just one dollar, thats all."
"But it was a dollar that the church should have." Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.
When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.
It took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.
The next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference room B seemed to taunt him.
Again that night he took an hour to fall asleep.
By the next day he couldn't take it anymore on his lunch break he drove right for the church. He parked his car and went to the coffessional.
"Hello, my son" The priest said in an old wise voice. The man replied, "Good afternoon father, its been 48 hours since my last confection..."
+10,000 Jokes