ID: 14975
Puns
Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.
One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.
The first guy was charged with breaking and entering; and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
ID: 14490
Puns
What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives?
In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!
ID: 12256
Puns
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall."
ID: 11529
Puns
The masked and armed man entered the bank.
"Nobody move, or you're geography!" shouts the bandit.
One of the tellers says, "Don't you mean 'history'?"
"Don't change the subject!"
ID: 16981
Puns
Once upon a time, there lived three balloons - Papa Balloon, Mama Balloon, and Baby Balloon. Baby Balloon would always go to bed in his own room, but would soon sneak into Mama and Papa's bed.
When Baby Balloon got a bit bigger, his parents tried to get him to stay in his own bed all night, and Baby Balloon promised that he would, but the very next night he was trying to get in to their bed.
However, he found could not quite get in, no matter how he struggled. After a while, he had an idea - he would let a little air out of Papa Balloon! This he did, but still he couldn't fit, so he let some air out of Mama Balloon - but to his dismay, still he couldn't get.
In desperation, he then let some air out of himself - and he could get in the bed! The next morning, Papa Balloon and Mama Balloon were both furious with him.
Papa Balloon said, "You promised you would sleep in your own bed! How could you? You've let me down, you've let your mother down, but most of all, you've let yourself down!"
ID: 12417
Puns
Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb?
A: You're too young to go out tonight.
ID: 12421
Puns
Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin?
A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.
ID: 8089
Puns
It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end.
Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need:
They let Brittney Spears reproduce.
Ohh that poor poor child!!
ID: 2642
Puns
There was a couple doing yard work, and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. The husband is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee (need) and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells, confused. So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods as if she understands and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her bum and then rubs her crotch.
Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?"
She answered, "I said, 'Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.'"
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