ID: 2670
Puns
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
ID: 11087
Puns
What do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard?
A: A liquor cabinet!
ID: 2641
Puns
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
ID: 636
Puns
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, and getting
in and out past incredible security, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!
ID: 1846
Puns
There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"
ID: 652
Puns
Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods?
Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
ID: 640
Puns
Did you see that movie about the pirate?
It's rated Arrr!
ID: 2515
Puns
What's black and white and played all over?
Black and White (the computer game)
ID: 499
Puns
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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Sign over a Gynaecologist?s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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+10,000 Jokes