ID: 12516
Puns
There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years.
One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic.
"Dominic?" he shouts.
"Artie?" Dominic replied.
Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career.
"I'm an inventor," Dominic said.
"Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!"
"Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!"
"Well, hey," Artie said, "I'm a hit man! I can knock her off for ya!"
Dominick was pleased with this idea, and offered Artie a great deal of money to do this. Artie, however would not take it, saying that it would be free for his best friend. Dominick felt bad about this, and kept trying to pay SOMETHING to Artie, but he refused. Finally Dominic said, "Listen, let me pay you, all right? Just a dollar, okay? A dollar to say that I paid you. Please?" Finally, Artie agreed to the cost of one dollar, and the plans were made.
Later, while Dominic was away, Artie went to his house and strangled his wife. Just as she died, the butler walked into the room, so Artie strangled him as well. Seconds after his death, in walked the maid, so once again, he was forced to strangle another person. Finally, after she was dead, he raced out of the house and down the street, but was caught by the police.
Next day the headlines read:
ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!
ID: 870
Puns
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
ID: 3650
Puns
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one---a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM".
They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry------no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.
She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U" - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a .... COMMON TATER!!!
(..think about it...)
ID: 652
Puns
Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods?
Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
ID: 3497
Puns
What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg?
You're in hot water now!!!
ID: 45
Puns
A polar bear walked into a bar and said
"Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?"
The bartender replied "Sure, but why the large pause?"
"I don't know, I've always had them!"
ID: 2607
Puns
If a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win?
The cabbage, because it's a head.
ID: 640
Puns
Did you see that movie about the pirate?
It's rated Arrr!
ID: 2081
Puns
If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
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