ID: 1954
Puns
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
ID: 12411
Puns
I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.
ID: 5944
Puns
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed, but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?" Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past the Finkelstein shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. " 'Jesus & Finkelstein' it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. " 'Finkelstein & Jesus'. After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited but ultimately fruitful, and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
And of course, this shop is still here to this day. Can you guess what it is? Now this may hurt a bit...
Don't say you weren't warned...
LORD & TAYLOR
ID: 9417
Puns
There once was an American Indian whose given name was "OneStone". He was so named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him OneStone. After years and years of torment, OneStone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me OneStone again, I will kill them!"
Word quickly spread and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named BlueBird forgot and said, "Good morning, OneStone."
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. Then he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. Word got around that OneStone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named YellowBird returned to the village after being away for many years. YellowBird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw OneStone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, OneStone."
OneStone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, and made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird just wouldn't die!
The Moral of this story:
"You can't kill two Birds with OneStone."
ID: 634
Puns
Mind Over Matter
If you don't mind,
it doesn't matter.
ID: 13368
Puns
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
ID: 4153
Puns
This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home."
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL".
ID: 12697
Puns
In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.
One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!"
The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it".
"OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"
ID: 5471
Puns
Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over.
At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
+10,000 Jokes