ID: 18099
Puns
There was a king who was very greedy; he ruled a land called Drid. Every day he would take all the money and food the Drids had that day. This had gone on for years and the Drids were sick of it.
One day a rabbi walked into the town and saw that all the people were unhappy. He went to a man and asked him what was wrong. The man replied, "Our king takes all of our food and money and we hardly have anything. He lives wealthily while many of us starve."
The rabbi pondered thus for a minute and said to the man, "Gather up all your people. I have an idea." Later that night, all the people were gathered in the town square. The man said to them, "You guys need to stand up for yourselves. Have any of you actually tried to talk with this king?" The townspeople all murmured. "Well, one of you should talk to him tomorrow and demand he stops." One man stood up and said he would do it.
The next day the man and the rabbi went up to the king's castle which was up high on a hill. He said to the king, "Please, oh great king, your people are starving and we have no money. Could you please spare us some of what we make?" The king was infuriated; he kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi watched as the king did this. Later that night the rabbi had the same speech and said they need to bargain with the king. Another man volunteered.
The next day the man and the rabbi walked up the hill to the king. The man said to the king, "Oh great king, would you please let us have some of our money and food back? We will double our crop and still give you most but could you spare us some?" The king was even more infuriated and kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi was astonished. He gathered the townspeople in the center and declared that he would go talk to the king.
The next day the Rabbi walked up the hill by himself to the king. "King!" he roared. "I have traveled far and wide and when I came to your town I saw that your people were unhappy. I have found out what you were doing to them. I am appalled! They are treated poorly and you must stop taking your people's food or they all will starve to death!"
The king pondered this for a moment and said to the rabbi, "I have heard what you have to say and I will stop stealing from my townspeople. I have enough wealth already, I guess I could spare them."
The rabbi had one more question for the king. "Why do you kick your townpeople down the hill?"
The king laughed and replied, "Silly rabbi; kicks are for Drids."
ID: 12695
Puns
What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread?
Peanut battering jelly.
ID: 12624
Puns
Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table.
On his way home he started to feel guilty. "It was just one donut," he told himself "just one dollar, thats all."
"But it was a dollar that the church should have." Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.
When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.
It took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.
The next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference room B seemed to taunt him.
Again that night he took an hour to fall asleep.
By the next day he couldn't take it anymore on his lunch break he drove right for the church. He parked his car and went to the coffessional.
"Hello, my son" The priest said in an old wise voice. The man replied, "Good afternoon father, its been 48 hours since my last confection..."
ID: 13428
Puns
Once there was a man named John Odd. He hated his last name. Since he was little people would make fun of him calling him "the odd man out."
He grew older and fell in love with a girl named Julie. They soon got married and people immediately started calling them "the odd couple."
John was enraged by this. He decided that he should have a talk with his wife.
"I hate my last name! My whole life people have made fun of it. Just recently I realized that people that don't even know me are going to see my tombstone in a grave yard and laugh about it! I want you to promise me that when I die you'll leave my tombstone blank. I want to have more respect than that."
"Okay honey. Whatever you want," she said with a smile on her face.
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Years later, after John passed away, a young couple were walking out of the cemetery after putting flowers on a relative's grave. The wife looked down and saw John's blank tombstone. She got her husband's attention and said,
"Isn't that Odd?"
ID: 12645
Puns
Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other,
"'Swarm in here, isn't it?"
ID: 15300
Puns
When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her?
Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.
(And a sister too!)
ID: 11923
Puns
I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.
ID: 14905
Puns
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
ID: 14531
Puns
A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic.
While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself.
The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"
+10,000 Jokes