ID: 17100
Puns
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
ID: 15488
Puns
"Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought?"
Tom asked onerously.
ID: 15460
Puns
America is a land of untold wealth.
- Internal Revenue Service.
ID: 15448
Puns
It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside Mr. Ford."
"What?" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:
HI NORM MAX
ID: 14844
Puns
How does a sperm bank treat its donors?
On a first come, first serve basis.
ID: 15350
Puns
Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.
ID: 13492
Puns
-What do you call a dog in a submarine?
-A sub-woofer.
ID: 14135
Puns
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell.
Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."
Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I miss him a lot."
St. Peter looked at Larry with pity, and said to him, "I tell you what; I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"
This made Larry very happy, and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened, he was met by Sam. They hugged each other and they were off. You see, in Hell, Sam owned a disco. They spent the day there together, and had a great time. At the end of the day, Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together, said their goodbyes, and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted there by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"
Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so, I have my halo and my wings."
St. Peter said, "Yes, but what about your harp?"
Larry gasped and said, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"
ID: 15832
Puns
Sign outside a Chinese restaurant:
Try our curries, you'll never get better.
+10,000 Jokes