ID: 12766
Puns
Q: What type of storage units do underwater computers use?
A: Trilo-bytes
ID: 2207
Puns
A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
ID: 7816
Puns
A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.
As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also."
Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "Yo! I'm Leonard T." He sat in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.
They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special."
As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.
As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal?
"I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
ID: 6990
Puns
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen.
Q: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
A: Justin.
Q: What do you call a girl who gambles?
A: Betty.
Q: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river?
A: Bridget.
Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg?
A: Jean.
Q: What do you call a man who's a talented painter?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you call a lady in the distance?
A: Dot.
Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lily.
Q: What do you call a man with numbers down his front?
A: Bill.
Q: What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?
A: Russel.
Q: What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
A: Warren.
Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff.
Q: What do you call a man who steals a lot?
A: Robin.
ID: 7053
Puns
What' did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
ID: 4153
Puns
This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home."
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL".
ID: 7319
Puns
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
ID: 1954
Puns
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
ID: 8089
Puns
It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end.
Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need:
They let Brittney Spears reproduce.
Ohh that poor poor child!!
+10,000 Jokes