ID: 11338
Puns
Bloke stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone; then it dawned on him.
ID: 6312
Puns
This is a list of the worst names to have
Dick Hurtz
Hary Paratesticles
Mike Hunt
Mike Rotch
Anitta Manwhore
Anitta Johnson
Fuk Yao
Ike Anblow
Peter Pecker
I.C. Weiner
I.P. Freely
Seimore Butts
Bo Oobless
Dick Less
Issac Less
Tits McGee (ok, that was off Anchorman)
Ima Hornibusterd
Ima Uglibech
Ima Dick
ID: 246
Puns
Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
The nun replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?"
ID: 636
Puns
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, and getting
in and out past incredible security, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!
ID: 1575
Puns
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
ID: 1655
Puns
A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."
ID: 1630
Puns
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.
"I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.
"It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see?
"It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
ID: 701
Puns
What happens when the smog clears over southern California?
UCLA
ID: 8338
Puns
Do you know how old hags tell time?
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A witch-watch!
+10,000 Jokes