ID: 10644
Puns
You know, luckily they have this fraud protection thing going around. It's supposed to save your butt if it's happened to you. Capital one has it, Visa, Master Card, etc. If they notice some unusual activity, they'll give you a call like this:
"Hi, this is Capital One calling. We've noticed a lot of unusual activity on your account the past couple of days, and we were just wondering if you've lost your card."
Have you ever got a call like that? It could save your credit. That practice seemed like a good idea, and, apparently, it's being used by everyone. But I don't think I could have prepared myself when I got a call last sunday afternoon that went like this:
"Hi, this is Heaven calling. We've noticed a lot of unusual activity coming from you these past couple of days, and we were just wondering if you've lost your mind."
Well, apparently, by saying yes, I saved my soul.
(But off the record, it was one hell of a weekend :-D :-D )
ID: 15319
Puns
What does the dentist of the year get?
..A little plaque.
ID: 6465
Puns
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
ID: 8
Puns
I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
ID: 6047
Puns
FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down?
CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."
ID: 7381
Puns
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
ID: 10004
Puns
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
ID: 2081
Puns
If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
ID: 2207
Puns
A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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