ID: 8600
Puns
A young man worked at an aquarium feading the animals, cleaning the tanks and the like. One day his boss came to him and said, "We have a group of second-graders coming for a field trip in about thirty minutes and the dolphins are getting 'playful'. The only thing that will make the dolphins behave is baby seagull meat. I want you to take this bag and go down to the beach and get some baby seagulls, but be careful because a lion has escaped from the zoo. They say it's been shot with a tranq gun so it shouldn't be a problem."
So, the young man took the bag, made his way down to the beach and got the seagulls with no problem. He decided to take the short cut through the woods on his way back. Suddenly, as he rounded a bend in the path, he saw the escaped lion laying across the path ahead of him, apparently sleeping.
The bushes were rather thick at this point, so he had only two choices: go past the lion or back the way he came. He decided he didn't have enough time to go back. He got up his nerve and very,very carefully stepped over the lion. He did so without waking it and was breathing a sigh of relief when a police officer stepped out of the woods and told him he was under arrest.
"But, Officer, what's the charge?" he queried.
"Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion." (Transporting youing girls across state lines)
ID: 13369
Puns
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Editor's note: Mean can mean both not nice but another definition is average.
ID: 6221
Puns
You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
ID: 6664
Puns
A newlywed couple was walking together, and needed to cross a busy street. They saw Officer Ed. He was controlling traffic, so he said to them in a sarcastic and nasty voice, "Oh, so you just want me to clear traffic so you snots can get across? Oh, sure, I'll do that!"
So the couple starts to thank him, when he says, "I don't know why you're walking on this nasty day, anyway! It's just about to rain!"
The couple looked up in the sky, but didn't see a cloud in sight. They decided not to say anything, and went across the walkway as Officer Ed stopped the traffic.
Although, sure enough, it started to rain as soon as they had crossed. It just so happens that the man and the woman were songwriters, and they wrote a classic Christmas tune.
Oh, don't you know it? It goes like this:
"Rude Officer Ed knows the rain, dear..."
ID: 7301
Puns
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
ID: 6047
Puns
FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down?
CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."
ID: 10577
Puns
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.
Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling.
ID: 6749
Puns
When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye (this was a long time ago). He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn't have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip (this gave her an extreme lisp) we decided to set them up. He goes up to her and asks her out to the Prom. She said, "Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?" and he said, "Hairlip, hairlip." and they never spoke again.
ID: 10644
Puns
You know, luckily they have this fraud protection thing going around. It's supposed to save your butt if it's happened to you. Capital one has it, Visa, Master Card, etc. If they notice some unusual activity, they'll give you a call like this:
"Hi, this is Capital One calling. We've noticed a lot of unusual activity on your account the past couple of days, and we were just wondering if you've lost your card."
Have you ever got a call like that? It could save your credit. That practice seemed like a good idea, and, apparently, it's being used by everyone. But I don't think I could have prepared myself when I got a call last sunday afternoon that went like this:
"Hi, this is Heaven calling. We've noticed a lot of unusual activity coming from you these past couple of days, and we were just wondering if you've lost your mind."
Well, apparently, by saying yes, I saved my soul.
(But off the record, it was one hell of a weekend :-D :-D )
+10,000 Jokes