ID: 18099
Puns
There was a king who was very greedy; he ruled a land called Drid. Every day he would take all the money and food the Drids had that day. This had gone on for years and the Drids were sick of it.
One day a rabbi walked into the town and saw that all the people were unhappy. He went to a man and asked him what was wrong. The man replied, "Our king takes all of our food and money and we hardly have anything. He lives wealthily while many of us starve."
The rabbi pondered thus for a minute and said to the man, "Gather up all your people. I have an idea." Later that night, all the people were gathered in the town square. The man said to them, "You guys need to stand up for yourselves. Have any of you actually tried to talk with this king?" The townspeople all murmured. "Well, one of you should talk to him tomorrow and demand he stops." One man stood up and said he would do it.
The next day the man and the rabbi went up to the king's castle which was up high on a hill. He said to the king, "Please, oh great king, your people are starving and we have no money. Could you please spare us some of what we make?" The king was infuriated; he kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi watched as the king did this. Later that night the rabbi had the same speech and said they need to bargain with the king. Another man volunteered.
The next day the man and the rabbi walked up the hill to the king. The man said to the king, "Oh great king, would you please let us have some of our money and food back? We will double our crop and still give you most but could you spare us some?" The king was even more infuriated and kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi was astonished. He gathered the townspeople in the center and declared that he would go talk to the king.
The next day the Rabbi walked up the hill by himself to the king. "King!" he roared. "I have traveled far and wide and when I came to your town I saw that your people were unhappy. I have found out what you were doing to them. I am appalled! They are treated poorly and you must stop taking your people's food or they all will starve to death!"
The king pondered this for a moment and said to the rabbi, "I have heard what you have to say and I will stop stealing from my townspeople. I have enough wealth already, I guess I could spare them."
The rabbi had one more question for the king. "Why do you kick your townpeople down the hill?"
The king laughed and replied, "Silly rabbi; kicks are for Drids."
ID: 15079
Puns
The Reverend Paul Fuzz was the pastor of a small congregation in a little town. One day, as he was walking down Main Street, he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking. He felt this was very sinful and definitely not something a member of his congregation should do. He entered the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Thomson," the Reverend said sternly, "this is no place for a member of my congregation to be. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Okay," slurred the very drunk woman.
When Mrs. Thomson stood up, she began to weave back and forth. Realizing she had had far too much to drink, the Reverend grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and fell to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the Reverend ended up laying on top of her, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Listen here, buddy, this isn't the place for that!"
The Reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Oh hell, if you're in that far, I guess you may as well finish up!"
ID: 15121
Puns
Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself.
So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo.
He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"
ID: 16379
Puns
Teacher: Jackie, please use the word "climate" in a sentence
please.
Jackie: Sure, I have a cherry tree in my backyard, but my parents won't let me "climate"
Teacher: That's correct!
Teacher: Now, Luis use the word "arrest" in a sentence.
Luis: Sure, after running a mile I need "arrest"
ID: 15350
Puns
Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.
ID: 14717
Puns
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, whom I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted, and he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
ID: 14531
Puns
A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic.
While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself.
The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"
ID: 15174
Puns
Clones are people two.
ID: 15396
Puns
Why do melons get married in church?
- Because they cantaloupe.
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