ID: 5939
Puns
CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go?
CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
ID: 4018
Puns
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged..."What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
ID: 8290
Puns
What is Kermit the Frog's middle name?
The.
ID: 13983
Puns
What do you get when the post office burns down?
A case of black mail.
ID: 5944
Puns
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed, but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?" Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past the Finkelstein shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. " 'Jesus & Finkelstein' it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. " 'Finkelstein & Jesus'. After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited but ultimately fruitful, and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
And of course, this shop is still here to this day. Can you guess what it is? Now this may hurt a bit...
Don't say you weren't warned...
LORD & TAYLOR
ID: 1409
Puns
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
ID: 8180
Puns
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
ID: 3415
Puns
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
ID: 6129
Puns
BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions?
GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions.
+10,000 Jokes