ID: 9042
Puns
Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent.
She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
ID: 2828
Puns
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?
A. He felt his presence!
ID: 12651
Puns
What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday?
"Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!"
ID: 12605
Puns
A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him
Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
...BUMP,
it goes.. ...BUMP..
...BUMP..
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him..
Faster..
FASTER..
BUMP..
BUMP..
BUMP!
He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him..
However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP..
Clappity-BUMP..
Hot on the heels of the terrified man..
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps..
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him..
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
but all he can find is a bottle of Benylin in the medicine cabinet.. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the coffin..
...the coffin stops!
ID: 13494
Puns
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn," to which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
ID: 11230
Puns
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.
ID: 4431
Puns
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
ID: 12947
Puns
Q: What did one chart say to the other?
A: "My! You're awfully graphic!"
ID: 3217
Puns
Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."
Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."
While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."
Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"
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