ID: 16517
Puns
Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read.
However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"
She replies, "It's a partners' meeting." "But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks. "It's a battle of wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who is in there?" and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
ID: 3343
Puns
Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:
"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first."
--Oscar Levant
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
--Fred Allen
"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
--G. C. Lichtenberg
ID: 6458
Puns
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
ID: 5236
Puns
Why is Mississippi River unusual?
Because it has four eyes and can't see!
ID: 3798
Puns
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.
A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked.
And the policeman answered:
For making an obscene clone fall.
ID: 5794
Puns
I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas...
But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!
ID: 4431
Puns
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
ID: 3708
Puns
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria," and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are the 'Moron Tapanapple Choir'."
ID: 50
Puns
Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence?
Ya, it flows in our genes.
+10,000 Jokes