ID: 13373
Other / Misc
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno
ID: 403
Other / Misc
So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.
Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!
ID: 7080
Other / Misc
We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold; and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long?" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show; she took the prize hands down - or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment? This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off."
ID: 3890
Other / Misc
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did you do?" asked her waiting friend. "Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
ID: 501
Other / Misc
A phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone then rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
ID: 463
Other / Misc
Great Thinkers of Our Time?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations
that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new
land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for
themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."
-- Rev. Jesse Jackson
"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America."
-- President William Jefferson Clinton
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
And in 2000, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the
Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who
would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...
-Credit to Net3Media and my friend who forwarded the email to me.
ID: 573
Other / Misc
Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet
interesting people and then kill them.
ID: 1019
Other / Misc
What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common?
They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!
ID: 1928
Other / Misc
(I know some people may not consider this a joke but it is still funny, the results at the bottom are funny to! ENJOY!)
Intelligence Test Instructions:
Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?
Start.
1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________
8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________
Answers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!
Answers:
1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1:30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
8+: Engineer
7: Student
6: High school pupil
5: Primary school pupil
4: Teacher
3: College lecturer
2: University lecturer
1: Member of Congress
+10,000 Jokes