ID: 14109
Other / Misc
The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones.
Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time.
The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps.
The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.
ID: 15669
Other / Misc
Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
ID: 14447
Other / Misc
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.
The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?
ID: 14003
Other / Misc
* You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. Ipledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
* (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
* You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
* (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
* Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
* Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
* Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
* Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
* You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
* As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
* I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
* I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
ID: 14522
Other / Misc
A book never written:
L.O.L. (lots o' logs)
by
P. Lumyum
ID: 14313
Other / Misc
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
ID: 12203
Other / Misc
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Something you open other than a door - Your bowels
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish – Cod
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
ID: 12813
Other / Misc
This is funny.
ID: 14283
Other / Misc
#1
Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil).
2
#
Warner Comm. paid $28 million for the copyright to the song 'Happy Birthday.'
#3
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
#4
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
#5
The "Swine flu" vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
#6
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
#7
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
#8
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
#9
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
#10
Trivia is the Roman goddess of sorcery, hounds and... the crossroads.
+10,000 Jokes