ID: 714
Other / Misc
NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED:
Broken-Bridge
Sarry-Huney
Big-Theisman
Lossin-Hare
Redder-Bottum
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST!
ID: 16622
Other / Misc
7 + 7 + 7 = Jackpot!
ID: 6135
Other / Misc
You Know You're From Canada When...
1.) You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."
2.) You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
3.) You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4.) You drink pop, not soda.
5.) You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.
6.) You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.
7.) You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8.) You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9.) You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10.) You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11.) You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12.) You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.
13.) You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14.) You know what a touque is.
15.) You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee".
16.) You understand the Labatt Blue beer commercials.
17.) You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan."
18.) You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."
19.) You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
20.) "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"
21.) Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.
22.) There's German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.
23.) You call a "mouse" a "moose".
24.) You like the Americans a little because they don't want Quebec either.
25.) Contests run by anyone other than the government have "skill-testing questions" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.
26.) Everything is labelled in English and French.
27.) Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
28.) Mountain Dew has no caffeine.
29.) You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Canada.
ID: 216
Other / Misc
Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
ID: 15
Other / Misc
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."
ID: 1809
Other / Misc
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
ID: 781
Other / Misc
A decrepit old gas man named Peter
While hunting around for the meter
His torch he did light
He arose out of sight
And, of course, as a result, he totally, completely and utterly destroyed the meter!
ID: 1686
Other / Misc
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.
The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."
ID: 2722
Other / Misc
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price!"
+10,000 Jokes