ID: 13955
Other / Misc
This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine!
On your answering machine -
"Hello?" pause, "What's up?" pause again, "Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you're talking to my answering machine! So leave a message!" Beep.
ID: 6336
Other / Misc
Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them...
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER [your name].
I'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick aunt.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down.
I'd love to, but I need to eat some food for thought.
I'd love to, but I've already used up eight of my nine lives.
I'd love to, but the jury is still out.
I'd love to, but I'm going to catalog my cutlery collection.
I'd love to, but my cat has a yeast infection.
I'd love to, but it's against my religion.
I'd love to, but the voices say that if I go to work/school, then I will have to sacrifice an animal/small child/virgin.
I'd love to, but I ran out of Prozac and I just can't go on.
I'd love to, but I'm sorry, I'm being abducted by a flying saucer at 9.
I'd love to, but I have to finish making my ear wax sculpture.
I'd love to, but I'm right in the middle of knitting my bellybutton lint into a cardigan for my elephant.
I'd love to, but I have to follow the directions on my orange juice container (concentrate).
I'd love to, but my computer needs tuning.
I'd love to, but I'm painting my toenails.
I'd love to, but I have a date in Transylvania.
I'd love to, but I need to clean my carpet with a toothbrush.
I'd love to, but the lawn's turned into a jungle.
I'd love to, but I'm pruning my fishing lures.
I'd love to, but I accidently took some ex-lax with my prozac this morning. I've been sitting on the can all day, but I feel great.
I'd love to, but I'm passing a stone.
I'd love to, but I have to degauss my monitor.
I'd love to, but I have to deworm my kitten.
I'd love to, but I lost my contact - I can't see.
I'd love to, but I got snowed in.
I'd love to, but I'm sorry I can't, I'm busy reading excuses.
I'd love to, but some big kids made me do it.
I'd love to, but I'm still looking for my other arm.
I'd love to, but when an egg dish flops - those hens must have had a rough night.
I'd love to, but my hair hurts.
I'd love to, but I can't come in, that bright ball in the sky is blinding me.
I'd love to, but I've got a highway pizza in the oven and I have to watch that it doesn't burn.
I'd love to, but I'm expecting a subpoena from Ken Starr.
I'd love to, but Ed McMahon and Dick Clark wrote "It's Official..." so I'm waiting.
I'd love to, but I've been arrested for heckling at the ballet.
I'd love to, but I'm busy taking all the sponges out of the ocean to see how much deeper it gets.
I'd love to, but I'm steamcleaning my WonderBra.
I'd love to, but that's the night I stimulate my gums.
I'd love to, but my psychic advised me otherwise.
I'd love to, but the Earth's about to get destroyed, I've got to find a ride off.
I'd love to, but I have to re-chain my bicycle.
I'd love to, but sorry, I'm sacrificing you to my evil Gods of death and havoc that night.
I'd love to, but I'm sorry, I built a circular drive-way and now I can't get out.
I'd love to, but I don't wanna.
I'd love to, but No hablo Ingles (I do not speak english).
I'd love to, but I was doing yoga exercises and got stuck.
I'd love to, but I'd be happy to after I bungee jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge without the bungee cord.
I'd love to, but the voices said evil things might happen 'cause you're bad.
I'd love to, but I'm donating a kidney later.
I'd love to, but I've been sitting in this chair and my butt has fallen asleep.
I'd love to, but I have a wedding to plan, a wife to murder and a kingdom to blame for it - I am swamped.
I'd love to, but my dog needs to have a flea bath.
I'd love to, but I just had a frontal labotomy.
I'd love to, but I've got silver hair, gold teeth and a lead butt, I'm filthy rich!
I'd love to, but I have to take the cat to the dry cleaners.
I'd love to, but I have to rotate the tire on my unicycle.
I'd love to, but my butt got stuck in the toilet, again!
I'd love to, but I'm looking at a joke website trying to find excuses for all of the other events I'm trying to get out of.
I'd love to, but no.
I'd love to, but my inner child is too young for things of THAT sort of nature.
i'd love to, but the government has me subject to random inspection.
I'd love to, but I'm preening my duck.
I'd love to, but I have to take my goldfish out for a walk.
I'd love to, but I have to wax my butt hairs.
I'd love to, but there is an angry mob outside my front door and back door and I can't get out.
I'd love to, but my toaster is having quadruplets and I have to name them.
I'd love to, but I have to eat my cat.
I'd love to, but I have to breed my spoon and fork or else the world shall run out of sporks.
I'd love to, but sshh i'm sleeping!
I'd love you to, but I wouldn't know what family I'm in.
I'd love to, but I have to break my great grandmother out of jail.
I'd love to, but my dad just jumped out of a window.
I'd love to, but I'm waxing my armpits.
I'd love to, but I'm migrating south for the winter.
I'd love to, but I have to go and lay an egg.
I'd love to, but I can't speak any English.
I'd love to, but I've got a severe case of leprosy.
I'd love to, but I'm going to the butcher's to watch the chickens rotating.
I'd love to, but my blueberry muffins are burning.
I'd love to, but I got sucked into a hoover.
I'd love to, but I'm dusting my duster.
I'd love to, but I'm ironing my grandparents.
I'd love to, but I have to comb my cat.
I'd love to, but I have to change the air in my tires.
I'd love to, but I fell into a shredder.
I'd love to, but I have to de-worm my Grandma.
I'd love to, but I have to think of an excuse.
I'd love to, but I heard that my imaginary friend died.
I'd love to, but god is calling me.
i'd love to, but my mum's grown her nose back.
I'd love to, but I have to do the dishes/do the laundry/clean my room.
I'd love to, but I'm too busy ignoring you.
I'd love to, it's just that my dog died and I have to flush it down the toilet.
I'd love to,but I'm too busy staring at the sun.
I'd love to, but I have to read my handbook of elements.
I'd love to, but the Queen of Roses has left me with nothing but thorns.
I'd love to, but my leg itches.
I'd love to, but my mom said I had to rub her feet tonight.
I'd love to, but Jupiter's in my rising.
I'd love to, but I'm about to die, so I think it's best if I stayed here.
I'd love to, but my dog's teaching me to bark.
I'd love to, but it's evil
I'd love to, but you do it.
I'd love to, but I've fallen and can't get up.
I'd love to, but I have to pull my popsicle out of my dog's nose.
I'd love to, but I have to sort socks.
I'd love to, but I'm busy chewing my nails. It requires a lot of concentration.
I'd love to, but I have to iron my sheets.
I'd love to, but I don't want to be seen with you, no offense or anything.
I'd love to, but I have to go wash my llama.
I'd love to, but life just handed me socks and now I have to arrange them.
I'd love to, but I gotta go walk my turtle.
I'd love to, but I'm in a place where I don't know where I am.
I'd love to go on another date but it's my other girlfriend's turn.
I'd love to, but I farted and if I get up, it will smell REALLY bad!
I'd love to go, I just don't like you.
I'd love to, but my boyfriend says no.
I'd love to, but I've got the runs.
I'd love to, but Fred Flintstone's stalking me.
I'd love to, but I can't be bothered.
I'd love to, but our weekly Star Trek meeting is held then.
I'd love to, but I meet my psychiatrist every Friday.
I'd love to, but I'm getting a tattoo.
I'd love to, but I'm having my in grown toe nail removed - wanna see?
I'd love to, but my orange juice box said concentrate.
I'd love to, but I have to finish my replica of the Eiffel tower that I have made out of popsicle sticks.
I'd love to, but I have to tape the Official Boy George fan club meeting tonight on the t.v.
I'd love to, but you have popped my bubble.
I'd love to, but I have constipation.
And Finally...
I'd love to, but I'm already going out with somebody much cuter than you.
ID: 4902
Other / Misc
Sven and Ole are visiting a relative in Texas. While walking along the street, they see a sign on a store front which reads:
Suits $5.00 each
Shirts $2.00 each
Trousers $2.50 per pair
Sven says to his pal, "Hey Ole! We could buy a whole lot of dem and ven ve get back to Minnesota, ve could sell them and make a fortune."
"Now ven ve go into the shop, yust let me do all da talkin' cause if dey hear your Minnesota accent dey might tink ve are dumb Norwegians and try ta raise da price - but I can speak with a perfect Texas drawl."
They go in, and Sven drawls out an order of 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pair of trousers at $2.50 each.
The owner of the shop says "You're Norwegians from Minnesota, aren't you?"
"Uff da!" says a surprised Sven. "How'd you know dat?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners."
ID: 5009
Other / Misc
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
ID: 3240
Other / Misc
Little johnny was going to school.
Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he said.
"Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else."
"Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy."
"You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small."
"I want candy."
"Ok kid here you go; infinite candy."
"Cool, thank you."
"Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day."
"But I still have 3 wishes.."
ID: 5880
Other / Misc
I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated:
"Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet,
And during this I -
I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out;
Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom,
Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
ID: 281
Other / Misc
An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000
ID: 474
Other / Misc
The following is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the captain of a U. S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
ID: 5035
Other / Misc
5 boys are walking by a "haunted" house"
One of the five boys said, "I bet I could go in there for more than five minutes."
A couple minutes later, he comes out screaming "GHOST!"
The second boy decides to try to go in for more than ten minutes.
He comes out screaming after four minutes, "HE WASN'T LYING! GHOST!"
The third and fourth boy go in together and try to stay in for more than an hour. They come out screaming the same thing.
The last boy walks and says he can stay in there a whole day.
Once he walked in, the other boys heard him say, "Hi Grandma."
+10,000 Jokes