ID: 3976
Other / Misc
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?"
Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the fuck was that?"
Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?"
Custer, 1877
8 "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso, 1926
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the fuck are we?"
Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!"
Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll............!!!!
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad."
Sadaam Hussein, 2003
ID: 2144
Other / Misc
A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
ID: 10505
Other / Misc
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
ID: 654
Other / Misc
A man has returned to his car after coming out of a local shopping centre and notices that his rear bumper is completely bashed in and the back half of his car is severely crushed. He goes to the front to see if there's any damage there and finds a note on the windshield. Relieved that the other motorist left a note he opens it up and reads it.
It says,
"Dear Sir or Madam, So very sorry about your car. But you see, I don't currently have insurance so I can't afford to pay you for the damages. But a crowd was gathering after I had smashed your car and I had to look like I was writing down my name and phone number. And since I couldn't do that, I decided to write this instead. Have a nice day."
ID: 1108
Other / Misc
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE:
This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________ If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________ (If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?____________________ _______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)
ID: 12973
Other / Misc
A farmer and his son live on a farm in the middle of Nowhere, USA. One day the farmboy says to his father, "I'm bored."
His father replies, "What are you talking about? Farm life is great!" He then adds, "However, I will admit, it is a little slow though. Nothing much to do except count the bricks in the silo."
To this the boy says, "11,827."
ID: 859
Other / Misc
(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Beep" "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly
at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~Credit to an email from a friend of mine
ID: 6647
Other / Misc
In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered.
Now the farmer took this incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered the little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.
The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.
"It wasn't me! It wasn't me!" yelled the goat.
The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."
ID: 357
Other / Misc
A judge asks a defendant to stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!"
"I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one!"
+10,000 Jokes