ID: 17016
Other / Misc
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
ID: 13784
Other / Misc
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares
This is my other car!
And on the eighth day, God went fishing
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.
Gun Control isn't about guns. It's about control.
There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.
My computer doesn't understand me!!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings
Grandchildren are spoiled because you can't spank the Grandma!
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway
Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today
I'd rather be hunting
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
Save the humans
The gene pool could use a little chlorine!
Hang up and drive!
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
I'd rather be fishing
If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative
I souport publik edukashun
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
I'd rather be driving a golf ball
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong!
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail
Tired of being around? Call Dr. Jack
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My other car bumper sticker is funny
If all else fails .. lower your standards
Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!
The religious right is neither
It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Don't laugh .. It's paid for!
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
My other car is a Porsche
Cat: The other white meat
I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it
The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage
Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
We are spending our kids inheritance.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Don't let school interfere with your education
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
My karma ran over your dogma
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you
Shit happens!
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?
Men have feelings too, but who really cares?
And on the eighth day, God went skiing
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Athletes love to score
Not all women are fools. Some are single.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane
Yes, I've heard of ""decaf."" What's your point?
Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children
Procrastinate Later
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I love cats, they taste just like chicken
Men are idiots and I married their king
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass!
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!
Caution! Driver just doesn't give a shit anymore!
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Have a crappy day
God grant me patience. And I want it NOW!
Impeach Clinton. And her husband.
I'll do it tomorrow, I've made enuf mistakes today
Remember when sex was safe and motorcycles were not!
Caution! I brake for tailgaters
Life's too short to date ugly women
Liberals want misery spread equally
I'm looking for true love. But I'll settle for cheap sex.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Love is free. It's diapers that are expensive
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Life would be so much easier if we just had the source code
Annoy a liberal. Work hard and smile
Proud to be an American
Lottery! A tax on people who are bad at math
Mean people suck
Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them
I am an escapee of a political correction facility.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot!
I still miss my Ex ... but my aim is improving
Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition
Computers cut my work in half and the boss expects me to put it all back together!
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself!
Give me coffee and no one will get hurt
Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee
Ignore your rights and they'll go away
C code. C code run. Run, code, run! (please?)
If you're rich, I'm single!
This truck belongs to me. Everything else belongs to her
The complaint department is closed!
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it
Work is for people who don't know how to golf
Get even. Live long enough to be a problem to your children
Question Authority before it Questions You!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Support the right to arm bears!
I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
Invest in America Buy a Congressman!
A woman with a big fat ass should dump him
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot!
You can't fix stupid
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I've run out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead!
Politically incorrect and proud of it
Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats.
If you drink like a fish - swim, don't drive
I don't give a damn what your other car is!
Earth First. We'll screw up the other planets later.
Warning! Driver only carries $20 in ammunition
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle
If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether
Gun control is being able to hit your target
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you
I drive way too fast to worry about cholestrol
Reality is the leading cause of stress
Good planets are hard to find
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
Jesus is coming! Look busy
Same BS, different day
I like your approach, let's see your departure
Life's too short to date ugly men
I said for better or for worse, not forever!
If the van's a' rockin, don't come a' knockin
Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to be able to read?
Quiet! Genius at work
Work is for people who don't surf the net!
Men are pigs
Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I love my country. It's the government I'm afraid of.
I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem?
Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
What part of ""NO"" don't you understand?
Panic now and avoid the rush
I fight poverty, I work
If men are from Mars, then why can't we send them back?
The opposite of progress is Congress
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
The best things in life aren't things
If you can read this, you are too close!
God's last name is not damnit!
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
America - Love it or leave it
DAMM - Drunks against Mad Mothers
I love my boss, I love my job, I'm self employed
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it.
Life's a bitch and then you die!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I'd rather be playing golf
Life is like a box of chocolates .. full of nuts!
To hell with the dog, beware of the owner
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
Was today really necessary?
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
The computer revolution is over and the computers won!
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
It's bad enough driving sober. Don't drive drunk
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!
Few women admit their age ... Fewer men act theirs
Honesty pays, but not enough
Computers aren't intelligent. They just think they are.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
If this car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it
A bad day of golf beats a good day of working
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Ask me if I care!
Good cowgirls keep their calves together
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
The ten commandments aren't multiple choice
I don't deserve self esteem
I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.
Proud to be a Democrat
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Falwell and Robertson don't speak for me!
I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it
First they burn books then they burn people
Ask me about my vow of silence
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
I only look Sweet & Innocent
You have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP.
Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you
My other car is also a piece of junk
And on the eighth day, God played golf
If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?
Conservatives suck
A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working
Meeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
Not all men are fools. Some are single.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance
Death Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee
Proud to be a Republican
I love cats. Want to trade recipes?
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer
I'd rather be skiing
Hey jerk, you are driving a car, not a phone booth
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
My kid beat up your honor student
Love is a 4-letter word
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
ID: 12154
Other / Misc
What kind of key can't open a door.
ID: 12166
Other / Misc
Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
ID: 12102
Other / Misc
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
"I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddently was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:
"RRROOAARRR!
"I tell you, I just soiled myself!"
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have soiled myself too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not back then - I soiled myself just now, when I said, 'RRROOAAARRR!' Could one of you help me out please?"
ID: 10828
Other / Misc
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
ID: 10981
Other / Misc
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a flotation device.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
ID: 11949
Other / Misc
Homelite Zip Start Vac Attack Blower:
Do not point blower in direction of people or pets.
(Wild animals are presumably okay?)
Bono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement:
Exposure may result in confusion.
(Anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused)
Bowl-Fresh Automatic Toilet Cleaning Tablets:
Harmful if swallowed.
(I know a kid who can put a whole orange in his mouth- but that's beside the point)
Sunbeam Simple Press Iron:
To prevent burn injury, keep hand away from heated area.
(I had no idea intense heat could BURN you! Go figure!)
Hungry Jack Lite Syrup:
Caution: Syrup bottle may be hot.
(After lengthy instructions on how to heat the bottle.)
50 Water Balloons:
This bag is not a toy.
(Yes indeed, it's the real thing!)
9 Piece Super Bouncers Bouncing Balls:
This toy is a small ball.
(Apparently that's a bad thing.)
Tagamet HB2000:
Do not take if you are allergic to Tagamet HB2000 or other acid reducers.
(You would think the name is enough of a hint not to take Tagamet if you're allergic to Tagamet.)
Gold Dial Soap:
Use Gold Dial Soap as you would use ordinary soap.
(What would happen if you used as EXTRAordinary soap?)
Bath & Body Works Moisture Rich Body Lotion:
Caution: This is not a toy.
(I suppose some people think that moisture rich lotion is a toy. Maybe in California.)
Mr. Bubbles Body Wash for Kids of All Ages:
Caution: Keep out of reach of young children.
(I don't even know what to say to this.)
Diflucan 150 mg tablet for yeast infection:
If overdose is suspected, contact your local poison control center or emergency room immediately.
(It comes in a container with one tablet in it.)
Wal-Mart Sheriff Gun Set:
Never point or shoot a gun at anyone.
(Some would say it is also important to be able to discern between a toy and the real thing.)
Pampers Bibsters:
Choking may result from anything babies put in their mouths.
(Obviously, a safe baby is a starved baby.)
All of these warnings and witty remarks were found in "Wearing Of This Garment Does Not Enable You To Fly," by Jeff Koon and Andy Powell.
ID: 10963
Other / Misc
One day, a man goes to a hotel. There is only one room left; room #30. Wondering what was the problem with that room, he agrees to use that room and is shown the room. He is left with a warning: To never look under the rug.
That night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the rug. So he gets up, and peeks under the rug.
It's a trapdoor. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and goes to bed.
The next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the trapdoor. So he gets up, removes the rug, and opens the trapdoor.
He sees a really, really long staircase. "OK, I can
live with that," he says to himself, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.
The next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's after the staircase. So he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, and climbs down the staircase for days and days and days.
He sees a long hallway. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and he climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.
The next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's at the end of the hallway. So he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down the staircase for days and days and days, and climbs down down the hallway for days and days and days.
There is a meadow at the end. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.
The next night...(now you know how everything is going to go xD).. he can't sleep. He is wondering what is at the other side of the meadow. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days.
There is a lake. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.
The next night he can't sleep. He is wondering what is at the other side of the lake. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, and swims across the lake for days and days and days.
There is a forest. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and swims across the lake for days and days and days, runs across the meadow for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.
The next night he can't sleep. He is wondering what is in the forest. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, and wanders through the forest for days and days and days.
There is a really tall tree. "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and wanders back through the forest for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, runs across the meadow for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.
The next night he can't sleep. He is wondering what is in on top of the tree. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, and wanders through the forest for days and days and days, and climbs the tall tree for days and days and days.
There is a monkey with a sign around its neck saying "DO NOT POKE THE MONKEY". "OK, I can live with that," he says to himself, and climbs down the tree for days and days and days, wanders back through the forest for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, runs across the meadow for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.
The next night he can't sleep. He is wondering what would happen if he poked the monkey. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, and wanders through the forest for days and days and days, and climbs the tall tree for days and days and days.
AND HE POKES THE MONKEY.
And the monkey wakes up. He is an angry monkey. He starts to chase after the man, who climbs down the tree. The monkey is pretty far behind him.
He runs through the forest, and the monkey is starting to get closer.
He swam frantically through the lake and the monkey is getting closer and closer.
He bolts through the meadow. The monkey is catching up.
He sprints through the hallway and the monkey is just behind him.
He scrambles up the staircase and the monkey is almost there...
He jumps out of the trapdoor and before he can close it the monkey leaps out too...
He runs to his bed and hides.. the monkey comes up....
(The man is pale with fear at this point)
Pokes him...
And he says.......
"Tag, you're it!"
+10,000 Jokes