ID: 18165
Other / Misc
Mik walked home from work and saw 4 people dressed in grim reaper suits. He ran home. The next time,the next time and 6 more walks for home, he decided to confront them. He yelled "who ARE you"????!!! They chased him into a wall. "s-s- Show yourself" he squeaked. They took their masks off and yelled "Hi, we're the wiggles!"
ID: 12996
Other / Misc
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.
Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.
If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I'm living in the pits!
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going.
Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.
It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks.
I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.
ID: 12096
Other / Misc
*Do You Love As Good As You Look?
*Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
*Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
*Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
*How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
*Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
*I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
*I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
*I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
*I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
*I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
*I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
*I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
*I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
*I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
*I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
*If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
*If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
*If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
*If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
*If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
*Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
*May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
*My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
*My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
*My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
*My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
*Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
*She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
*She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
*Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
*They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
*Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
*When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're
Walking In
*You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
*You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
*You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
*You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
ID: 11098
Other / Misc
One day my cousin says, "Oh, I love your hair. Show me how you do it!"
"OK," I reply.
"OK?" my cousin says; "you're not supposed to say OK! You're supposed to have a temper tantrum and scream, 'No! It's MY secret and I'm not going to tell you!' OK?"
"You're just being stupid as usual. Leave me alone."
Little cousins. *SHISH!*
A few weeks later she comes up to me and says, "I like your make-up. Can you show me how to do make-up?"
"You're too young," I reply.
Now she's got the hissy fit going on (AGAIN).
"I am NOT TOO YOUNG! Show me how to do make-up or I'll bite myself than tell Mama you did it like all those other times I said you bit me!" She yells.
I turn around and say, "Too LATE!"
"HUH?!" she says.
She turns around and gets the beat down of her life from her mother. I never saw her until two years later and she still was covered in two-year-old bruises.
The first time I saw her again, I asked her if she still wanted me to show her how to do my hairstyles that she loved and give her make up tips, just to taunt her. Well, you know what happened next. (She's only two years younger than me.)
ID: 11805
Other / Misc
I had a part in the local repertory company's Shakespeare week, and was allocated the dressing room that was next to the large room shared by three of the actresses. One day, a friend of mine was visiting me when he drew my attention to the fact that there was a small hole in the dividing wall.
"You can see right through into next door!" he exclaimed.
"Ah, let 'em look," I said.
ID: 11453
Other / Misc
An elderly lady went to a butcher's shop one day, and noticed that on the liver in the window were two white balls.
Being of a curious nature, she asked what these white balls might be, to be told that they were golf balls, and that placing them on the liver kept them supple.
She returns the following week, when there were four of these white balls lying on the liver.
"So you've shot another golfer, then?"
ID: 11546
Other / Misc
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away.
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Any More!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill.
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty.
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.
ID: 12502
Other / Misc
These guidelines are not hard rules for submitting acceptable jokes, but they will help you submit a jokes that the most people will enjoy and rank highly, thus increasing your score.
ID: 11550
Other / Misc
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
+10,000 Jokes