ID: 18182
Other / Misc
Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is?
The man get's to see a striptease every night!
ID: 2449
Other / Misc
zebra: 25 sizes bigger than an 'A' bra
ID: 8426
Other / Misc
Nicholaas (toe 4) het by sy ouma gaan kuier, en ouma het dit goed gedink om hom bietjie groentes te leer eet wat sy ma nie graag gaar maak nie.
Die spesifieke dag is broccoli aan die beurt, en ouma versin die oulikste stories oor die boompies wat hy gaan proe.
Hy begin ewe entosiasties aan die eerste een eet, maar ouma sien hy kou al stadiger en kry so veraf trek in sy ogies.
"Ouma," roep hy toe sy ouma wat intussen in die spens verdwyn het, "kom kyk hier!" Die mannetjie beduie toe na sy bord waar hy die laaste "boompie" staan gemaak het, mooi vasgedruk in die middel van die rys.
"Kyk net, hierdie is die Paradys, en daardie boom is die boom waarvan God gesê het ons mag nie eet nie!"
ID: 9657
Other / Misc
A really drunk guy is walking home from the bar and sees a pumpkin patch on the side of the road. He thinks how nice and squishy they must be on the inside, and decides to have a little fun with a pumpkin. He finds a big one, cuts a hole in it, and starts going at it. It must have been getting pretty good because he didn't even notice that a cop car had pulled up, and that an officer was walking right towards him. The cop says "Hey buddy.... Do you know you're screwing a pumpkin?" to which the guy responds, "A pumpkin?!? It's midnight already???"
ID: 4485
Other / Misc
Authentic Claims from a Car Insurance agency...
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."
"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind."
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
ID: 4915
Other / Misc
Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Hughie?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
"You'll have to do better than that. Hughie," said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
ID: 3193
Other / Misc
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this 44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around; that's how far they are ahead of me.
18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
ID: 3852
Other / Misc
A business man was driving along when he spotted a hippie thumbing for a ride. He stopped to pick him up. The hippie sat in the front of the car, bopping and snapping his fingers to some beat in his head.
The business man approached a stop sign and couldn't see clearly to his right, so he asked the hippie if there was anything coming from the right.
"Just a dog, man..just a dog"
So the business man pulled out and CRASH!!
A few days later the business man woke up in a hospital with his arms and legs hung in traction. He looked over and saw the hippie in the bed next to him, his arms and legs also suspended in traction - still bopping and snapping his fingers to some beat in his head.
The business man asked, "Hey, I thought you said there was just a dog coming from the right!?"
Said the hippie, still snapping his fingers in rhythm, "Yeah man, like Greyhound! man..."
ID: 10162
Other / Misc
You Know You're From Connecticut When...
You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party.
You never went to a bar in high school.
You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84.
You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm
You actually thought that Hartford was big
You or someone you know has attended UCONN
You drive a JETTA
You still think that the Whalers are cool.
You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place.
There is a farm within miles of your house
You thought bars were really for people over 21
Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year.
You don't have an accent when you talk.
You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish.
You love Hilton Kaderli and your mom cried when he retired.
UConn basketball rules and no one can tell you different
You have deer in your backyard.
You didn't drink or do drugs until 10th grade.
You still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state.
Your best friend went to Central, Western, Eastern and finally Manchester Community College.
Your mom works at Travelers and your dad works at Pratt and Whitney.
You have been drunk at the Meadows and don't remember the concert.
You go to Riverside at least once a summer.
Your parents actually care about the Governor, the Patriots coming to Hartford, the lights at Christmas in Hartford & Channel 3 news.
You have a UCONN flag outside of your house year round.
You think New Jersey was a toxic waste dump.
You hang out at Denny's.
You've partied at bonfires.
You have at least one friend with a pickup.
You think everyone works tobacco in the summer.
You think Old Lyme is a shore town.
You've been to Cape Cod.
You think the Connecticut River is endless.
The town diner is the only place open after midnight.
You have at least 4 friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees.
You root for all the New York sports teams.
If anybody asks, you're from just outside of New York.
You've never looked at a public bus schedule.
You have both girlfriends and guyfriends with the same name as you.
You go to the diner late night to post party.
You think New Haven is the worst ghetto you've ever seen.
You can proudly tell an outsider about Nutmeg.
You weekend either on the Cape or Rhode Island at a summer home.
You have said, " I'm in a good location... Between both Boston and New York."
You can carry on a conversation about Mike Liut, Torrie Robertson, and the Brass Bonanza.
You have to explain Cow Tipping to people from out of state.
When you go to a real city, you sincerely feel bad for every poor / homeless person you see.
You get pissed at anyone who doesn't know how to drive in the snow.
You can name all the members of the UCONN men's and women's basketball teams.
You still can't find your way in Hartford (except for that bar area near Union Station.)
You hold the door open for someone and they don't say "Thank You."
You own a golden or a lab (used to...)
You own real Oakley's.
You only know Westbrook and Clinton because they have good outlets.
You don't think you're a yuppie, but the rest of the country does.
You only ski in Vermont or out West.
Your mother is the head of the PTA.
There is absolutely nothing to do in the winter.
You live twenty minutes from either an Abercrombie & Fitch, J. Crew, or GAP.
You sail, or know someone who does.
You don't understand why everyone else has not been to Europe.
You can't get through the week with out a Coffee Coolata.
Your family owns more cars than legal drivers.
School attire is a North Face fleece jacket, a North Face Fleece or L.L. Bean back pack, a plaid shirt, khakis, and Doc Martens.
Summer footwear is either Reefs or Birks.
You carry your keys on a carabiner, but you don't know how to rock climb.
You feel for the homeless, but are not willing to give up the golf course land to develop a homeless shelter.
As a child you took horseback riding, golfing, tennis and swimming lessons.
You grew up wanting to be a lifeguard.
You own every DMB CD.
The state is so small you know where all the speed traps are.
You can't understand why people don't understand what your talking about when you refer to a "package" store.
You went to prep school even though your public schools are awesome.
People actually wear sweaters around their necks.
You've never taken public transportation.
You know of at least one person whose house was totally trashed after a huge party.
Your mom drives a Volvo wagon.
You have at least one friend whose house was built in the 1800's.
You live in a huge colonial.
You know at LEAST one person who has been pulled over and found to have weed in their car.
The only overcrowding is of deer in your backyard.
Your house would cost half as much in any other state.
Your wardrobe contains at least three pairs of cords and five wool sweaters.
Half of your friends are from another town because yours is so small.
At least one of your friends has a sick house right on the water.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Connecticut.
+10,000 Jokes