OTHER / MISC

ID: 18157

Other / Misc

Thirteen

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

ID: 3528

Other / Misc

You Say Potato...

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these nazi fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

ID: 4137

Other / Misc

Family Problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.

"We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother, and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.

"This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.

"But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing, until my wife and I had a baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.

"This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife; I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!

"And you think YOU have family problems!"

ID: 9823

Other / Misc

Cowboy

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

ID: 501

Other / Misc

Help From the KGB

A phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood."

"This will be noted."

The next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone then rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

ID: 6688

Other / Misc

More Of Life's Unanswered Questions

Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?

Can a unborn baby fart or burp?

If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?

Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?

What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question?

Is it possible to be allergic to water?

When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court, do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?

If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?

Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?

How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?

Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?

Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?

What's a question with no answer called?

How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?

When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?

If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?

What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?

Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

"Cute as a button". Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

And Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?

ID: 2303

Other / Misc

Better to BE

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

ID: 27

Other / Misc

I Said Up

A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."

ID: 5573

Other / Misc

Forgien Excnanged Students

The forgien exchanged students Jose, Doron, and Krono didn't know any English. So their teacher asked them to go find some words.

Jose goes to the airport and sees a plane.
"Waz dat?" he asks.
"That's a plane taking off," the pilot said.
"Take off!" he says.

Doron goes to the zoo and sees a zebra.
"Waz dat?" he asks.
"That's a zebra," a lady tells him.
"Ze'bra!" he says.

Krono goes to the hospital and sees a new baby.
"Waz dat?" he asks.
"That's my baby," the mother said.
"Be'be!" he says.

The next day in class, they say all the words together.

"Take off ze bra bebe!!"

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