ID: 16584
One Liners
The best way to end a war is to surrender.
ID: 7324
One Liners
JUST because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
ID: 358
One Liners
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
ID: 4227
One Liners
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
ID: 994
One Liners
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
"One sec, I've got to go the bathroom!"
:)
"It doesn't hurt... that... bad..."
"This stuff works just as well!"
"It looks like it's coming right towards us!"
"Here, let me handle this, forget the cops!"
"I read this in a 'how-to' magazine once."
"No I'm not a skydiver, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night."
"Proper equipment is for rich people."
"I don't know. Let's find out!"
"I did it in a video game last night."
"Did you hear that? Sounded like something big. Where's that flashlight?"
And finally...
"OH SHIT!!!!"
ID: 564
One Liners
Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
ID: 3967
One Liners
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"??
ID: 3535
One Liners
A guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, don't try to start anything..."
ID: 4102
One Liners
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
+10,000 Jokes