ID: 15010
One Liners
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked.
ID: 7561
One Liners
How can you spot a happy motorcyclist?
By the bugs in his teeth.
ID: 4228
One Liners
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
ID: 3984
One Liners
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
ID: 3969
One Liners
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
ID: 4007
One Liners
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
ID: 3995
One Liners
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
ID: 3977
One Liners
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.
ID: 4102
One Liners
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
+10,000 Jokes