ONE LINERS

ID: 15010

One Liners

Piiiiiiiig!

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

"Here," he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked.

ID: 7561

One Liners

Motorcycling

How can you spot a happy motorcyclist?

By the bugs in his teeth.

ID: 4228

One Liners

Lowery's Law of Home Repair:

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

ID: 3984

One Liners

A Clock

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

ID: 3969

One Liners

More Strange Word Fun

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

ID: 4007

One Liners

A Dead Pilot

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

ID: 3995

One Liners

Sex in the Movies

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

ID: 3977

One Liners

A Bicycle

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.

ID: 4102

One Liners

Great Literary Taunts:

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

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