ID: 16082
News / Politics
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll have those mirrors removed right away!"
ID: 2392
News / Politics
Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
ID: 7106
News / Politics
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God,
"and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, then said, "There is another Washington... wait until you see the idiots I put there!"
ID: 3376
News / Politics
A visitor from Pakistan was strolling in a park in New Delhi, India, enjoying the greenery and flowers. He needed to empty his bladder badly, but couldn't find a urinal anywhere.
He couldn't hold out any longer, and went behind a large bush. Just as he was undoing his fly buttons a policeman caught him. "What do you think you are doing?" asked the constable.
"I want to pee," replied the visitor. "I am from Pakistan and I don't know where to go. Please help me out."
The constable ordered, "OK, follow me. I'll show you a place with more greenery, flowers and bushes than this park. You can pee there as much as you like." He took the Pakistani to a greener and more beautiful garden where he emptied his bladder.
The Pakistani emptied his bladder, thanked the policeman and asked "Whose garden is this, it is so beautiful?"
The constable replied, "This is the garden of the Pakistani High Commission."
ID: 17326
News / Politics
Real Quotes By George Bush:
This is my maiden voyage. My first speech since I was the president of the United States and I couldn't think of a better place to give it than Calgary, Canada." - George W. Bush, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009.
"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened." - George W. Bush, on what he hopes to accomplish with his memoir, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009.
"One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.
"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.
"In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.
"I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend." - George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Jan. 8, 2009.
"So I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression." - George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Dec. 18, 2008.
"People say, well, do you ever hear any other voices other than, like, a few people? Of course I do." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2008.
"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008.
ID: 3244
News / Politics
What does the government have but never uses to make life simple?
Their power!
ID: 17497
News / Politics
Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!"
Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!"
In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!"
The sun is silent.
Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?"
The sun replies: "Kiss my ass. I'm in the West now."
ID: 16963
News / Politics
A couple who is having problems in their marriage decide to go on a talk show. The wife complains that her husband does not listen to her and is ungrateful. She blames this on her husband's career. The host asks the man, "Has being in politics had any affect on your sex life?" Bill Clinton replies, "Mine's great, how's yours honey?"
ID: 17124
News / Politics
They had quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. Apparently, President Obama was meeting with some potential cabinet nominees and someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before.
Turns out it was just a tax form, but it gave them quite a fright.
- Jay Leno
+10,000 Jokes