ID: 97
News / Politics
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bill's clock?"
St. Peter replied,"Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan."
ID: 17486
News / Politics
How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.
ID: 6928
News / Politics
How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
They both look like the work of a butcher.
If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
He won't pay her $300.
What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His face.
What is the Arkansas state flower?
Gennifer.
Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
Put Janet Reno in charge.
What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
"Trust me."
What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
By the wise look in the eyes.
How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
He's the stiff one.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - he'll only promise "change."
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because they can't afford any more pork.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
They've been having turkey for years.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A dead girlfriend.
What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
No fee - if no recovery!
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.
How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.
What does Clinton do to lose weight?
Runs away from the draft.
How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle (in Bosnia)?
He's got his jogging suit on.
What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
The Dodgers.
What's Bill's fondest wish now?
That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
What's a Clinton sandwich?
Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
For spare parts.
Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
Now it's got two left wings.
Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
Because it hasn't got a prayer.
If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
Who cares!
How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
Trying to save both faces.
If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
The United States of America!
Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
Heredity.
Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
He turned into Hillary!
Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
None. The democrats do that.
How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
None. The Socialist - Democrats do that.
How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Why do liberals travel in threes?
One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A noose.
What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
Handcuffs.
What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A police lineup.
What's a conservative?
A liberal who made it through adolescence.
What is a conservative?
A liberal who's been mugged.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea.
You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
They get elected.
What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To tax the chicken.
Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
When he's sworn in.
How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
Depends on how many were photographed.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To meet the chick.
How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Did you know that Clinton's cat can play chess?
Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
Bill Clinton of course!
How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A mandate to govern.
How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?
He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
"You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!"
What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
"Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!"
Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
He's afraid of the draft.
What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Koresh only burned 85 people.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Some people still believe in David Koresh.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
When will there be a woman in the White House?
When Hillary leaves town.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
Yogurt has culture.
What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
Highway 55.
Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
He is stupid!
Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
He keeps having to eat his words.
How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
His heart stops bleeding.
How does Al Gore spell potato?
T-A-T-E-R.
Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
He's the stiff one.
What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
Grade six.
If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
Coffee.
What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
Everything's $100.
What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
To study economics.
What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
To promote off-shore drilling.
Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
They all make a living by lying to people.
Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A competent liberal President.
What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
"Good morning, Bill."
What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
Unite the Republican party.
Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
When he married outside of his family.
What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
Absolutely nothing.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
Because he filed as head of the household.
How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
Because they could spell it.
What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
The whine cellar.
Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
There is White-out on the screen.
How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
There is writing on the White-out.
What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
How is Bill like a character actor?
When he shows character, he's acting.
What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
Summer solstice.
What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
Change.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
What is Clinton's favorite war song?
"Over Here"
What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
He came dressed as a two-term president.
Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
Socialism is dead.
What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A kidney stone is easier to pass.
What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
The U.S. still has a Communist party in power.
What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A water gate.
Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
They both dominate Bills.
What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
The Conners own their own home.
What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
No one died in Watergate.
What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
Oldielocks.
What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
We have not ruled out military force.
What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A free stamp.
Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
Gonorrhea - it can be cured.
Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
To attend D-Day celebrations.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A man without a clue.
How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
He visited Oxford.
How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
No class and no principals.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
They both have Bills that are losers.
Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
John Elway.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
They both became president without being elected.
What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
An optimist.
Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
Teddy Kennedy.
What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
He thought he was in a confessional.
Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Bill Clinton.
What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Where are the two biggest airbags located?
The White House.
Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign?
A snow job.
What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
No Job.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
Vice-president of the United States.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
Nothing . . . yet.
Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family - you're happy.
ID: 13501
News / Politics
1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms
2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted
3. Crack found on Governor's Daughter
4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus
ID: 17459
News / Politics
U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.
"Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge," pointedly replied the First Lady.
The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, "Does each rooster service the same hen each time?"
"No," replied the farmer, "there are many hens for each rooster."
"Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge," replied the President.
ID: 3426
News / Politics
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.?
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
ID: 17084
News / Politics
. . . they only tell who's left.
ID: 2459
News / Politics
Two Tough Questions
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional
beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic and in case you never saw this one...
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
ID: 11926
News / Politics
1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late.
2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq.
3. Pronounce "nuclear" right.
4. Publish my dog's sequel.
5. Show off my awesome golf shot.
Hey, I counted to five!
+10,000 Jokes