ID: 11926
News / Politics
1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late.
2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq.
3. Pronounce "nuclear" right.
4. Publish my dog's sequel.
5. Show off my awesome golf shot.
Hey, I counted to five!
ID: 18003
News / Politics
"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation." Jay Leno.
"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." Conan O'Brien.
"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" Jay Leno, on the debt deal.
"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." David Letterman, on the debt deal.
"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President; and with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" Conan O'Brien.
"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." Jay Leno.
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." David Letterman.
"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies." Jimmy Fallon.
"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." Jimmy Fallon.
ID: 17736
News / Politics
Will there be KGB in communism?
As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to arrest themselves.
ID: 17718
News / Politics
In America, you can always find a party.
In Russia, the Party finds you.
In America, you listen to man on radio.
In Soviet Russia, man on radio listen to you.
In America, you watch television.
In Soviet Russia, television watches you.
ID: 17734
News / Politics
The winter's passed,
The summer's here.
For this we thank
Our party dear!
ID: 17750
News / Politics
Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother.
ID: 17743
News / Politics
Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?
Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!
ID: 520
News / Politics
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you''ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ''round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn''t, even with my wife
And Jennifer Flowers'' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don''t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don''t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have -once with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs.Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you''ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
ID: 17504
News / Politics
What was the most-frequently used word at the German-German border? "Goose meat". (Gänsefleisch, sounds like the first three words in Genn' se vleisch mal 'n Gofferraum offmachn? in the Saxon accent, Können Sie vielleicht mal den Kofferraum aufmachen? in standard German, which means Could you please open the trunk? )
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