ID: 15084
News / Politics
Why don't politicians ever consider being gynocologists?
They would have to deal with too much Bush every day!
ID: 864
News / Politics
These are all true cuttings,
Irish police are being handicapped
in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It is
a Special Branch vehicle and they
do not want the public to know what it
looks like. (The Guardian)
Police reveal that a woman
arrested for shoplifting had a
whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she
said it was because she was
missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The
Manchester Evening News)
After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound]
overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed
poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are
Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked
him to close his account and Mr.
Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p
balance by cheque made out in his
new name.
(The Guardian)
Notice seen in the Churchtown
Parish Magazine: Would the
congregation please
note that the bowl at the back of
the church labelled "For the sick"
is for monetary donations only.
There must, for instance, be
something very strange in a man
who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy,
doesn't try it on. (Glasgow
Evening News)
A young girl who was blown out to
sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable
lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented:
"This sort of thing is all too
common?" (The Times)
At the height of the gale the
harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied that he was sorry but
he didn't have a gauge. However if
it was any help the wind had just
blown his Land-Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Commenting on a complaint from a
Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill a spokesman for North West Gas
said: "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey
has been charged for the gas used
up during the explosion that blew his
house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
ID: 7934
News / Politics
Here is a list of some really stupid laws I've seen:
Alaska- You can't wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture.
Florida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays.
Idaho- You can't fish from the back of a camel. (Who has a pet camel in Idaho anyway?!?)
Oklahoma-Whaling is illegal. (hint-there aren't any oceans or whales in Oklahoma!)
You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors.
Baldwin Park, California- You can't (and why would you?) ride bicycles in swimming pools.
Houston, Texas- You can't sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
Lexington, Kentucky- You can't carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket. (What are the police going to go around checking peoples pockets for ice-cream?)
Marion, Ohio- You can't walk backwards on a city street while eating a donut.
Myrtle Creek, Oregon- No boxing with kangaroos. (Wait, there are kangaroos in Oregon???)
Nashville, Tennessee- You must be at least 18 years old to play pinball.
New Orleans- You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
Whitehall, Montana- You can't drive a car with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Wynona, Oklahoma- You can't wash your clothes in a birdbath. (Be careful...the neighbors are watching!)
ID: 3459
News / Politics
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'."
ID: 3293
News / Politics
Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walks away.
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'"
ID: 3178
News / Politics
George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
When the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
ID: 8006
News / Politics
Politians are like constipated people-they're full of shit.
ID: 3339
News / Politics
In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.
"I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced.
In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter.
Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Gore kept "coming up." "I'm sick to my stomach over this," Lecter said.
President Bush didn't seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. "I think it's all crap by now, don't you?"
ID: 16341
News / Politics
There once was a President who had a law that evryone had to laugh once a hour or they spent an hour in jail.
+10,000 Jokes