ID: 17756
News / Politics
"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!"
"Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!"
"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).
ID: 17769
News / Politics
When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")
ID: 17760
News / Politics
A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. You made Comrade Major laugh a lot with your tea joke."
ID: 17755
News / Politics
"Have you heard it? Brezhnev died!" / "What happened, heart attack?" / "No, short-circuit of eyebrows."
ID: 17874
News / Politics
Did you hear the one about when the Great Recession began? The President appointed a cat to chair the Federal Reserve. Do you know why?
Because when a cat falls, it always lands on its feet.
ID: 14584
News / Politics
Alaska
• A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
(O_o)
• Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear for photo opportunities.
(is shooting waking?)
• Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
(but why?)
• In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.
• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
(How did the moose get in the flippin plane?)
• Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
• State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist.
(*911* "we are sorry, this number has been disconnected")
ID: 17754
News / Politics
The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".
ID: 18003
News / Politics
"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation." Jay Leno.
"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." Conan O'Brien.
"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" Jay Leno, on the debt deal.
"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." David Letterman, on the debt deal.
"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President; and with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" Conan O'Brien.
"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." Jay Leno.
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." David Letterman.
"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies." Jimmy Fallon.
"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." Jimmy Fallon.
ID: 18120
News / Politics
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
To which the little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
Al Gore says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al Gore says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!", Al Gore says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."
+10,000 Jokes