ID: 18000
News / Politics
"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson
"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno
"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." —Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." —David Letterman
"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty... He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" —Bill Maher
"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." –Jimmy Kimmel
"After President Obama spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush." -Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama's State of the Union Address
"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon
"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno
"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." -Jimmy Kimmel
"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno
"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher
"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien
"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher
"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher
"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher
"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno
"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn't return him now even if we wanted to." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno
"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers
"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno
"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno
"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson
"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman
ID: 816
News / Politics
CLASSIC QUOTE: A quote from Sky News
"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.
"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr," says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth."
ID: 13052
News / Politics
Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
ID: 12922
News / Politics
Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle."
Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car
September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA
In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. "I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads." Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, "If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I'm willing to pay."
Lack of Talent Contest Being Held for Next Batch of Mac Commercials
July 22, 2002 - New York, USA
Apple's new "Switch" television ad campaign, featuring people who didn't quite know what to do with a Windows based PC that moved to that Mac platform, will continue into the summer season. In order to find actors similarly dense and ignorant to the ones featured in the first batch of commercials, Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest. Campaign producer Ted Zielchman commented, "All of the actors we were getting from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence, so we are faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based on the applicants for the contest so far, we have some likely candidates. Some were unable to even spell their name and had that 'not so bright look on their face' - consistent with the first batch of actors we used. The first batch were easy to find, we visited the local district Mac Club. After that we simply had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit being an Apple user."
ID: 14198
News / Politics
1/20/09: End of an Error
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Whose God Do You Kill For?
Cheney/Satan '08
Jail to the Chief
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
Bad President! No Banana.
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
Impeach Cheney First
Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
One Nation Under Clod
2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified.
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
ID: 3422
News / Politics
10. She wants her own intern.
9. She wants to complete her china and silver collection.
8. Brother-in-law Roger needs another pardon.
7. She wants to lease the Lincoln Bedroom to Marc Rich.
6. She wants to rename Camp David to Camp Denise.
5. She wants to pick up the rest of the furniture.
4. She wants to return to public housing.
3. She wants the top floor of the Trump Tower when she leaves.
2. She misses her hairdresser.
1. Bill needs a pardon.
ID: 11980
News / Politics
When all the national leaders met with Bush...
Germans make your candy, said Germany's leader,
We abuse it, said Bush.
Holland makes your remotes, said Holland's leader
We'd die without those, said Bush.
Italy and Mexico bring in great food, said Mexico & Italy,
We stuff ourselves with it, said Bush.
Japan makes your video games, said Japan's leader;
Our kids and dads love it, said Bush.
China makes all the rest, said China's leader,
Bush said, AMEN.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE? said all but Bush,
Bush took them to a farm,
He took them to a sleping bull.
The bull had a turd next to it.
It said "Made in America",
Bush told them America makes bull****
ID: 6928
News / Politics
How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
They both look like the work of a butcher.
If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
He won't pay her $300.
What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His face.
What is the Arkansas state flower?
Gennifer.
Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
Put Janet Reno in charge.
What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
"Trust me."
What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
By the wise look in the eyes.
How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
He's the stiff one.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - he'll only promise "change."
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because they can't afford any more pork.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
They've been having turkey for years.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A dead girlfriend.
What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
No fee - if no recovery!
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.
How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.
What does Clinton do to lose weight?
Runs away from the draft.
How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle (in Bosnia)?
He's got his jogging suit on.
What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
The Dodgers.
What's Bill's fondest wish now?
That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
What's a Clinton sandwich?
Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
For spare parts.
Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
Now it's got two left wings.
Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
Because it hasn't got a prayer.
If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
Who cares!
How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
Trying to save both faces.
If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
The United States of America!
Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
Heredity.
Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
He turned into Hillary!
Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
None. The democrats do that.
How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
None. The Socialist - Democrats do that.
How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Why do liberals travel in threes?
One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A noose.
What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
Handcuffs.
What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A police lineup.
What's a conservative?
A liberal who made it through adolescence.
What is a conservative?
A liberal who's been mugged.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea.
You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
They get elected.
What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To tax the chicken.
Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
When he's sworn in.
How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
Depends on how many were photographed.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To meet the chick.
How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Did you know that Clinton's cat can play chess?
Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
Bill Clinton of course!
How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A mandate to govern.
How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?
He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
"You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!"
What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
"Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!"
Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
He's afraid of the draft.
What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Koresh only burned 85 people.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Some people still believe in David Koresh.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
When will there be a woman in the White House?
When Hillary leaves town.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
Yogurt has culture.
What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
Highway 55.
Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
He is stupid!
Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
He keeps having to eat his words.
How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
His heart stops bleeding.
How does Al Gore spell potato?
T-A-T-E-R.
Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
He's the stiff one.
What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
Grade six.
If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
Coffee.
What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
Everything's $100.
What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
To study economics.
What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
To promote off-shore drilling.
Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
They all make a living by lying to people.
Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A competent liberal President.
What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
"Good morning, Bill."
What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
Unite the Republican party.
Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
When he married outside of his family.
What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
Absolutely nothing.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
Because he filed as head of the household.
How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
Because they could spell it.
What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
The whine cellar.
Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
There is White-out on the screen.
How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
There is writing on the White-out.
What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
How is Bill like a character actor?
When he shows character, he's acting.
What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
Summer solstice.
What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
Change.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
What is Clinton's favorite war song?
"Over Here"
What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
He came dressed as a two-term president.
Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
Socialism is dead.
What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A kidney stone is easier to pass.
What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
The U.S. still has a Communist party in power.
What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A water gate.
Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
They both dominate Bills.
What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
The Conners own their own home.
What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
No one died in Watergate.
What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
Oldielocks.
What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
We have not ruled out military force.
What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A free stamp.
Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
Gonorrhea - it can be cured.
Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
To attend D-Day celebrations.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A man without a clue.
How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
He visited Oxford.
How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
No class and no principals.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
They both have Bills that are losers.
Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
John Elway.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
They both became president without being elected.
What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
An optimist.
Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
Teddy Kennedy.
What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
He thought he was in a confessional.
Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Bill Clinton.
What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Where are the two biggest airbags located?
The White House.
Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign?
A snow job.
What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
No Job.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
Vice-president of the United States.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
Nothing . . . yet.
Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family - you're happy.
ID: 761
News / Politics
The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'
'And the bad news?' they ask.
Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm'.
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