ID: 17510
News / Politics
During a visit to the Leipzig Trade Fair, a filthy rich oil sheik heard that there is a car with a delivery time of over ten years. Since Rolls Royce usually delivers more quickly than that, it must be quite an exceptional car, which he would certainly have to have in his collection. Sight unseen, he made a request to order this Trabant. In Zwickau, they're aware of this great honor, so they immediately change the running Five-Year Plan and bring forward a specimen. In the container, the car reaches the emirate in a handful of weeks. The happy oil sheik immediately called his friends together, opened the container, and exclaimed in surprise: "Gosh, they have incredibly long delivery times, but at least they send you a cardboard model in advance — and the best, you can even drive it!"
ID: 13982
News / Politics
In Clinton, Alabama, it is illegal to molest your automobile.
Now how would you go about doing that? And how would your automobile testify against you?
ID: 12876
News / Politics
The Vice President and his best friends were out hunting
birds. People in the office knew that the best friend had
some dirt on the vice president. When the vice president
came back from hunting, the guy that owned the hunting place asked, "Where's your friend?" The Vice President started to shake and said, "Oh he's still hunting. I have my animals in this gym bag here." "O.k."
A week later he came back alone. Then when he got to the car the next day a police man was writing a parking ticket. The officer said, "Sorry, sir, but I have to write you a ticket," and glanced at his police partner in his police car. Then the Vice President said, "Ok, let me just unlock the car and I'll be on my way." Then when he clicked the trunk opener by accident, the trunk popped, and there was his best friend dead in the trunk and he said, "Oops ..."
This shows how stupid some politicans can be.
ID: 11831
News / Politics
A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs) and the California Fish and Game Department.
It will be called Fish and Chips.
ID: 6337
News / Politics
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Fool me once, shame, shame on y-you. Fool me twice, sh-shame on, well ya see, I cant be fooled again."
...George W. Bush
ID: 11926
News / Politics
1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late.
2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq.
3. Pronounce "nuclear" right.
4. Publish my dog's sequel.
5. Show off my awesome golf shot.
Hey, I counted to five!
ID: 13927
News / Politics
The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776
The unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America,
W-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha earth, tha separate n equal station ta whizzay The Laws of Nature n of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect ta tha Opinions of mankind requires that tizzle should declare tha causes which impel Them ta tha separizzles.
We hold these truths ta be self-evizzles that all men is created equal, that They is endowed by they Creator wit certain unalienable Rights, that among These is Life, Liberty n tha pursuit of Happiness. --That ta secure these Rights, Governments is instituted among Men, deriv'n they jizzle pusha fizzy The consent of tha governed, --That wheneva any Form of Government becomes Destructive of these ends, it is tha Right of tha People ta alta or ta abolish It, n ta institute new Government, lay'n its foundation on siznuch principles And organiz'n its powa in such fizzorm, as ta T-H-to-tha-izzem shall seem mizzle likely ta Effect they Safety n Happiness like a tru playa'. Prudence, indeed, wiznill dictate thizzay Governments long established should not be changed fo` light n transient Causes; n accordingly all experience hath shewn, thiznat mankind is mizzy Disposed ta suffa, while evils is sufferizzles T-H-to-tha-izzan ta rizzay themselves by Ridin' tha forms ta whiznich tizzle is accustomed. But W-H-to-tha-izzen a long train of Abuses n usurpations, pursu'n invariably tha same Object evinces a design ta Reduce them unda absolute Despotism, it is they right, it is they duty, ta Throw off S-to-tha-izzuch Government, n ta provide new Guards fo` they future security . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. —Such . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. Has bizzle tha patient sufferance of these Colonies; n such is now tha necessity Which constrains them ta brotha they poser Systems of Government crazy up in here. The history Izzay tha present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated Injuries n usurpations, all hav'n in direct object tha establishment of an Absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove thizzay let Facts be submitted ta a Candid world . Boo-Yaa!.
He has refused his Assent ta Laws, tha mizzle wholesome n necessary fo` tha Public good.
He has forbidden his Governors ta pass Laws of immediate n doggy stylin' importance, Unless suspended in they operation T-to-tha-izzill his Assent should be obtained; n wizzle So suspended, he has utterly neglected ta attend ta them.
He has refused ta pass otha Laws fo` tha accommizzles of large districts of People, unless those thugz would relinquish tha R-to-tha-izzight of Representizzles in tha Legislatizzle a right inestimable ta tizzle n formidable ta tyrants only.
He has called brotha legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfizzles n Distant fizzy tha depository of they public Records, fo` tha sole purpose of Blunt-rollin' them into compliance wit his measures in tha dogg pound.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatizzles fo` oppos'n wit manly Firmness his invasions on tha rights of tha people . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn.
He has refused fo` a long time, nigga S-to-tha-izzuch dissolizzles ta cause drug deala ta be Elected; whereby tha Legislative powa, incapable of Annihilizzle have Returned ta tha People at large fo` they exercise; tha State remain'n in tha Mean time exposed ta all tha danga of invasion F-R-to-tha-izzom witout, n convulsions Witin.
He has endeavoured ta prevent tha populizzles of these States; fo` that purpose Sippin' tha Laws fo` Naturalizizzles of Wanna Be Gangsta refus'n ta pass otha To encourage they migrations hitha, n rais'n tha conditions of new Appropriations of Lands so bow down to the bow wow.
He has obstructed tha Administrizzles of Justice, by refus'n his Assent ta Laws For frontin' Judiciary brotha . You gotta check dis shit out yo.
He has made Judges dependent on his Wizzy alone, fo` tha tenure of they offices, And tha amount n payment of they salaries like old skool shit.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, n sent hitha swarms of Pusha ta Harass our people, n eat out they substance.
He has kizzy among us, in times of peace, Stand'n Armies witout tha consent of Our legislatizzles but real niggaz don't give a fuck.
He has affected ta renda tha Military independent of n superior ta tha Civil Powa.
He has combined wit otha ta subject us ta a jurisdizzles foreign ta our Constitizzle n unacknowledged by our laws; giv'n his Assent ta they Acts of Pretended Legislizzles . know what im sayin?:
For Quarter'n large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protect'n thiznem, by a M-to-tha-izzock Trial, F-R-to-tha-izzom punishment fo` any Brotha whizzich they Should commit on tha Inhabitants of these States droppin hits:
For bustin' off our Trade wit all parts of tha world:
For frontin' Taxes on us witout our Consent:
For depriv'n us, in many cases, of tha benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transport'n us beyond Seas ta be tried fo` pretended offences:
For spendin' tha free System of English Laws in a saggin' Province, Establish'n therein an Arbitrary government, n enlarg'n its Boundaries so as To pimp it at once an example n fit instrument fo` introduc'n tha same Absolute rule into these Colonies:
For tak'n away our Charta, bustin' our most valuable Laws, n alter'n Fundamentally tha Forms of our Governments:
For gang bangin' our own Legislatizzle n declar'n themselves invested wit Powa ta legislate fo` us in all cases whatsoeva.
He has abdicated Government here, by declar'n us out of his Protection n Wag'n War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, bizzurnt our towns, n destroyed The lives of our people.
He is at this time sippin' large Armies of foreign Mercenizzles ta compleat The works of death, desolizzles n tyranny, already begun wit circumstizzles of Cruelty n perfidy scarcely paralleled in tha most barbarous ages, n totally Unworthy tha Heezee of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on tha hizzle Seas ta bear Arms against they Country, ta become tha hustla of they niggaz n Brethren, or ta fall themselves by they Hands . Boo-Yaa!.
He has stoked domestic insurrections amongst us, n has endeavoured ta bring -to-tha-izzon tha inhabitants of our frontia, tha merciless Indian Savages, whose kniznown Rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes n Conditions , ya feel me?.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned fo` Redress in tha mizzy Humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have bizzy answered only by repeated injury. Izzy Prince whose shot calla is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, Is unfit ta be tha nigga of a free people straight from long beach nigga.
Nor have We bizzle want'n in attentions ta our British brethren. We have warned Them frizzay time ta time of attempts by they legislature ta extend an Unwarrantable jurisdizzles over us. We have reminded T-H-to-tha-izzem of tha circumstizzles Iznof our emigration n settlement hizzle paper'd up. We have appealed ta they native justice And magnanimizzle n we hizzy conjured tizzle by tha ties of our common kindred ta Disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections n Correspondence. They too hizzle bizzle deaf ta tha voice of justice n of Consanguinity. We mizzay therefizzles acquiesce in tha necessizzle which denounces Our Separizzles n hold thiznem, as we hold tha rest of mankind, Enemies in W-to-tha-izzar, Iznin Peace Friends bitch ass nigga.
We, therefizzle tha Representatizzles of tha united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appeal'n ta tha Supreme Judge of tha world fo` tha Rectitude of our intentions, do, in tha Name, n by tha Authority of tha good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish n declare, That these United Colonies are, n of Right ought ta be Free n Independent States; tizzy tizzle Are Absolved from all Allegiance ta tha British Crown, n that all politizzles Connection between tizzy n tha State of Great Britain, is n ought ta be Totally dissolved; n that as Free n Independent States, they have F-to-tha-izzull Powa To levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, n ta do All otha Acts n Dippin' which Independent States may of R-to-tha-izzight do. And fo` tha Support of this Declarizzles wit a fizzay reliance on tha protection of divine Providizzle we mutually pledge ta each brotha our Lives, our Fortunes n our Sacred Honor . Tru niggaz do niggaz.
The signa of tha Declarizzle represented tha new states as follows:
New Hampshire
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachizzles
Jizzay Hancock, Samuel Adams, J-to-tha-izzohn Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connectizzle
Roga Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliva Wolcott
New York
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey
Richard Stockton, Jizzle Witerspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania
Robert Morris, Benjamin R-to-tha-izzush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clyma, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jizzle Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carta Braxton
N-to-tha-izzorth Carolina
William Baller Joseph Hewes, Jizzohn Pizzle
South Carolina
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
ID: 10670
News / Politics
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy.
In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations' team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident.
The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only: OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
ID: 8006
News / Politics
Politians are like constipated people-they're full of shit.
+10,000 Jokes