ID: 6736
News / Politics
Liberals want to solve the marijuana problem by making it legal.
Conservatives want to solve the wife-beating problem by making it legal.
Liberals want to strike down all abortion laws, so that unwanted babies can be killed off before they're born.
Conservatives want to strike down the welfare laws, so that unwanted babies can be starved to death after they're born.
The conservative would prevent rape by locking up his wife and daughters.
The liberal would prevent rape by legalizing prostitution. Neither considers locking up rapists, because the liberal says it's society's fault and the conservative says it costs too much money.
ID: 2634
News / Politics
Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant.
Said the first man "I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me."
"That's nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."
ID: 15104
News / Politics
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He answered it and listened intently. After a brief moment, his face lit up with a smile.
He hung up the phone and immediately called his mother to pass along the good news.
"Ma, the results are in," he shouted joyously. "I won the election!"
"Honestly?" his mother replied.
"Aw, gee, Ma, what a time to bring that up!" he said.
ID: 14588
News / Politics
Colorado
• Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
• Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.
• Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
• Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
• Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
• Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
• Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said.
• In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."
• In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes.
• In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.
• It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.
• It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.
• It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
• It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
• It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver.
• Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
• No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days.
• Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
• Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
• Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
ID: 17084
News / Politics
. . . they only tell who's left.
ID: 14729
News / Politics
Leonid Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say?" Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
ID: 17494
News / Politics
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?" Fritz replies: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around."
ID: 17758
News / Politics
Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General.
ID: 17124
News / Politics
They had quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. Apparently, President Obama was meeting with some potential cabinet nominees and someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before.
Turns out it was just a tax form, but it gave them quite a fright.
- Jay Leno
+10,000 Jokes