ID: 16302
News / Politics
California Version
The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."
ID: 5219
News / Politics
As governor, Bush got to act ceremonially as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap, Bush pulled over a farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that kept buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some trouble with those circle flies there, are ya, sir?"
Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses."
Bush said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute, he stopped and slowly said, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer said, "Oh, no, governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
ID: 6337
News / Politics
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Fool me once, shame, shame on y-you. Fool me twice, sh-shame on, well ya see, I cant be fooled again."
...George W. Bush
ID: 6177
News / Politics
--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was.
--Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.
--Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse.
--Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants...
--Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON.
--Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggot!" while watching "Mr. Rogers".
--Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35.
--I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!!
--Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum.
...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . .
--Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bastard. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive bastard for a change.
ID: 3187
News / Politics
George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that`s them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We`re planning World War III".
And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde."
The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde! Why kill a blonde?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
ID: 2863
News / Politics
What exactly does the government do?
They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.
ID: 4252
News / Politics
You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parents' home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember, John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster. This is such a nice letter from the President:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D.C.
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC
Dear John:
Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.
I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.
By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President
ID: 5641
News / Politics
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's nothing: a young man lost both arms and legs in an accident; I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
ID: 661
News / Politics
One day, George W. Bush was leaving a very interesting meeting of the United Nations. Once stepping outside, he was met by the Iraqi ambassador, and he started to talk to George.
"You know, George, my children are here on this trip with me to the States, and they have gained interest in your television programs. They have especially like the television show Star Trek, although one thing is bothering them about it...The show shows how the races of the Earth can come together in the starship Enterprise, although, they have never seen an Iraqi citizen aboard the ship, and they were just wondering; Why is that?"
George chuckles a little and gives him a short answer to his question. "Because it takes place in the FUTURE!"
+10,000 Jokes