ID: 5641
News / Politics
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's nothing: a young man lost both arms and legs in an accident; I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
ID: 15270
News / Politics
Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess;
If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...
If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake...
If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE."
ID: 17729
News / Politics
The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.
ID: 16460
News / Politics
What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end?
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived assassination attempt)
And to think that we had two guys duking it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000!
ID: 14562
News / Politics
Does anyone know why I have nightmares?
Because the last man that had a "dream" got shot.
ID: 17771
News / Politics
Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
ID: 12876
News / Politics
The Vice President and his best friends were out hunting
birds. People in the office knew that the best friend had
some dirt on the vice president. When the vice president
came back from hunting, the guy that owned the hunting place asked, "Where's your friend?" The Vice President started to shake and said, "Oh he's still hunting. I have my animals in this gym bag here." "O.k."
A week later he came back alone. Then when he got to the car the next day a police man was writing a parking ticket. The officer said, "Sorry, sir, but I have to write you a ticket," and glanced at his police partner in his police car. Then the Vice President said, "Ok, let me just unlock the car and I'll be on my way." Then when he clicked the trunk opener by accident, the trunk popped, and there was his best friend dead in the trunk and he said, "Oops ..."
This shows how stupid some politicans can be.
ID: 11831
News / Politics
A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs) and the California Fish and Game Department.
It will be called Fish and Chips.
ID: 14696
News / Politics
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following
question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?
........................................................
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.
........................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
..........................................................
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!
+10,000 Jokes