ID: 13501
News / Politics
1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms
2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted
3. Crack found on Governor's Daughter
4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus
ID: 17754
News / Politics
The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".
ID: 14728
News / Politics
This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:
All signs metric - Next 20 miles.
ID: 6934
News / Politics
Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"
Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.
Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"
Christophe replied, "That makes us even."
ID: 14588
News / Politics
Colorado
• Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
• Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.
• Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
• Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
• Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
• Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
• Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said.
• In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."
• In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes.
• In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.
• It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.
• It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.
• It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
• It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
• It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver.
• Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
• No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days.
• Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
• Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
• Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
ID: 864
News / Politics
These are all true cuttings,
Irish police are being handicapped
in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It is
a Special Branch vehicle and they
do not want the public to know what it
looks like. (The Guardian)
Police reveal that a woman
arrested for shoplifting had a
whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she
said it was because she was
missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The
Manchester Evening News)
After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound]
overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed
poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are
Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked
him to close his account and Mr.
Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p
balance by cheque made out in his
new name.
(The Guardian)
Notice seen in the Churchtown
Parish Magazine: Would the
congregation please
note that the bowl at the back of
the church labelled "For the sick"
is for monetary donations only.
There must, for instance, be
something very strange in a man
who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy,
doesn't try it on. (Glasgow
Evening News)
A young girl who was blown out to
sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable
lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented:
"This sort of thing is all too
common?" (The Times)
At the height of the gale the
harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied that he was sorry but
he didn't have a gauge. However if
it was any help the wind had just
blown his Land-Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Commenting on a complaint from a
Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill a spokesman for North West Gas
said: "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey
has been charged for the gas used
up during the explosion that blew his
house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
ID: 15153
News / Politics
On Cows and Government
FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk
PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
JAPANESE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.
EUROPEAN FEDERALISM
You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.
EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.
FINNISH SOCIALISM
You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.
ID: 6959
News / Politics
Reporters asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Roe v. Wade? His response: "Two alternate ways to cross the Potomac."
ID: 6928
News / Politics
How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
They both look like the work of a butcher.
If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
He won't pay her $300.
What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His face.
What is the Arkansas state flower?
Gennifer.
Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
Put Janet Reno in charge.
What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
"Trust me."
What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
By the wise look in the eyes.
How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
He's the stiff one.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - he'll only promise "change."
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because they can't afford any more pork.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
They've been having turkey for years.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A dead girlfriend.
What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
No fee - if no recovery!
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.
How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.
What does Clinton do to lose weight?
Runs away from the draft.
How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle (in Bosnia)?
He's got his jogging suit on.
What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
The Dodgers.
What's Bill's fondest wish now?
That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
What's a Clinton sandwich?
Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
For spare parts.
Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
Now it's got two left wings.
Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
Because it hasn't got a prayer.
If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
Who cares!
How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
Trying to save both faces.
If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
The United States of America!
Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
Heredity.
Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
He turned into Hillary!
Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
None. The democrats do that.
How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
None. The Socialist - Democrats do that.
How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Why do liberals travel in threes?
One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A noose.
What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
Handcuffs.
What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A police lineup.
What's a conservative?
A liberal who made it through adolescence.
What is a conservative?
A liberal who's been mugged.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea.
You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
They get elected.
What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To tax the chicken.
Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
When he's sworn in.
How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
Depends on how many were photographed.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To meet the chick.
How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Did you know that Clinton's cat can play chess?
Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
Bill Clinton of course!
How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A mandate to govern.
How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?
He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
"You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!"
What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
"Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!"
Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
He's afraid of the draft.
What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Koresh only burned 85 people.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Some people still believe in David Koresh.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
When will there be a woman in the White House?
When Hillary leaves town.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
Yogurt has culture.
What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
Highway 55.
Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
He is stupid!
Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
He keeps having to eat his words.
How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
His heart stops bleeding.
How does Al Gore spell potato?
T-A-T-E-R.
Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
He's the stiff one.
What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
Grade six.
If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
Coffee.
What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
Everything's $100.
What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
To study economics.
What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
To promote off-shore drilling.
Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
They all make a living by lying to people.
Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A competent liberal President.
What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
"Good morning, Bill."
What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
Unite the Republican party.
Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
When he married outside of his family.
What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
Absolutely nothing.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
Because he filed as head of the household.
How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
Because they could spell it.
What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
The whine cellar.
Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
There is White-out on the screen.
How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
There is writing on the White-out.
What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
How is Bill like a character actor?
When he shows character, he's acting.
What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
Summer solstice.
What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
Change.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
What is Clinton's favorite war song?
"Over Here"
What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
He came dressed as a two-term president.
Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
Socialism is dead.
What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A kidney stone is easier to pass.
What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
The U.S. still has a Communist party in power.
What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A water gate.
Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
They both dominate Bills.
What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
The Conners own their own home.
What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
No one died in Watergate.
What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
Oldielocks.
What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
We have not ruled out military force.
What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A free stamp.
Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
Gonorrhea - it can be cured.
Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
To attend D-Day celebrations.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A man without a clue.
How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
He visited Oxford.
How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
No class and no principals.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
They both have Bills that are losers.
Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
John Elway.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
They both became president without being elected.
What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
An optimist.
Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
Teddy Kennedy.
What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
He thought he was in a confessional.
Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Bill Clinton.
What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Where are the two biggest airbags located?
The White House.
Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign?
A snow job.
What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
No Job.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
Vice-president of the United States.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
Nothing . . . yet.
Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family - you're happy.
+10,000 Jokes