ID: 4994
News / Politics
Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
ID: 17762
News / Politics
A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: "What's so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky's mauser..."
ID: 3402
News / Politics
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers' Strike Idles Kids
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Killer Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, it May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart in Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropout Cuts in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
ID: 16573
News / Politics
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.
"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."
So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.
"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"
A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."
ID: 4274
News / Politics
1. Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
2. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Child a Dime!
3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just isn't Good Enough.
4. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!
5. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Billionaire Behind
7. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
8. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not Paying Attention
9. Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast
10. Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!
11. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars
12. Bush/Cheney '04: Asses of Evil
13. Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile
14. Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
15. Vote Bush in '04: Because Dictatorship is Easier
16. George W. Bush: A Brainwave away from the Presidency
17. George W. Bush: It Takes a Village Idiot
18. Don't Think. Vote Bush!
19. BU_ _SH_ _!
ID: 5260
News / Politics
A little boy goes to his father one day and says, "Daddy, what is politics?"
"Well," his father replied, "let me try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that you're the people. I'm the breadwinner of the family so we'll call me the economy. Your mother is in charge so we'll call her government. Your nanny will be the working class, and your baby brother is the future. Now go think about that and see if you can understand."
The boy thinks about it but doesn't really get it so he goes to bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night and hears his baby brother crying. He goes to check on his brother and sees that he has soiled himself but doesn't know how to change a diaper. He goes to his parents' room to wake them up, but only his mother is there, snoring loudly. He goes to the nanny's room instead and finds the door locked. When he looks through the keyhole, he sees his father in bed with the nanny. Frustrated, he just goes back to bed.
In the morning, the boy goes to his father and says, "I think I understand politics now."
"Good," says the father. "Let's see what you've come up with."
"Well," says the boy, "While the economy is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit."
ID: 14586
News / Politics
California
• A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.
• Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.
• Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
• A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol.
• Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Bathhouses are against the law.
• Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
• Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
• Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
• California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.
• Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles.
• Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
• Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
• Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
• Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.
• In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.
• In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.
• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
• In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• In California it is illegal to have caller ID
• In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.
• In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
• In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
• In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.
• In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
• In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
• In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a gay person.
• In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!)
• In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.
• In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.
• In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
• It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
• Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
• Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
• Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
• Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.
• Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent; You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time; You may not hunt moths under a street light; It is illegal to cry on the witness stand; Toads may not be licked; It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison); Zoot suits are prohibited.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.
• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
• Pacific Grove: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
• Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
• Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
• Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
• San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.
• San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
• San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash; It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear; Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street; It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner; Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
• San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."
• San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.
• San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
• Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
• The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
• The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
• The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.
• Women may not drive in a house coat.
• You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.
ID: 14792
News / Politics
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "All politicians are assholes."
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"
"No," he replies, "I'm an asshole."
ID: 3376
News / Politics
A visitor from Pakistan was strolling in a park in New Delhi, India, enjoying the greenery and flowers. He needed to empty his bladder badly, but couldn't find a urinal anywhere.
He couldn't hold out any longer, and went behind a large bush. Just as he was undoing his fly buttons a policeman caught him. "What do you think you are doing?" asked the constable.
"I want to pee," replied the visitor. "I am from Pakistan and I don't know where to go. Please help me out."
The constable ordered, "OK, follow me. I'll show you a place with more greenery, flowers and bushes than this park. You can pee there as much as you like." He took the Pakistani to a greener and more beautiful garden where he emptied his bladder.
The Pakistani emptied his bladder, thanked the policeman and asked "Whose garden is this, it is so beautiful?"
The constable replied, "This is the garden of the Pakistani High Commission."
+10,000 Jokes