ID: 17489
News / Politics
A west-german boy to a ddr-boy: Why is the banana curved? The ossie replies: Why, is this curved? (old Hungarian joke)
ID: 6105
News / Politics
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman.
MORAL: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN
ID: 12561
News / Politics
The following are headlines that *might* have appeared in papers in the aftermath of Little Bighorn -
Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"
Pravda: "Big Red Victory"
Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"
Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"
Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"
The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"
ID: 11267
News / Politics
Buck
Fush
ID: 13927
News / Politics
The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776
The unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America,
W-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha earth, tha separate n equal station ta whizzay The Laws of Nature n of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect ta tha Opinions of mankind requires that tizzle should declare tha causes which impel Them ta tha separizzles.
We hold these truths ta be self-evizzles that all men is created equal, that They is endowed by they Creator wit certain unalienable Rights, that among These is Life, Liberty n tha pursuit of Happiness. --That ta secure these Rights, Governments is instituted among Men, deriv'n they jizzle pusha fizzy The consent of tha governed, --That wheneva any Form of Government becomes Destructive of these ends, it is tha Right of tha People ta alta or ta abolish It, n ta institute new Government, lay'n its foundation on siznuch principles And organiz'n its powa in such fizzorm, as ta T-H-to-tha-izzem shall seem mizzle likely ta Effect they Safety n Happiness like a tru playa'. Prudence, indeed, wiznill dictate thizzay Governments long established should not be changed fo` light n transient Causes; n accordingly all experience hath shewn, thiznat mankind is mizzy Disposed ta suffa, while evils is sufferizzles T-H-to-tha-izzan ta rizzay themselves by Ridin' tha forms ta whiznich tizzle is accustomed. But W-H-to-tha-izzen a long train of Abuses n usurpations, pursu'n invariably tha same Object evinces a design ta Reduce them unda absolute Despotism, it is they right, it is they duty, ta Throw off S-to-tha-izzuch Government, n ta provide new Guards fo` they future security . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. —Such . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. Has bizzle tha patient sufferance of these Colonies; n such is now tha necessity Which constrains them ta brotha they poser Systems of Government crazy up in here. The history Izzay tha present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated Injuries n usurpations, all hav'n in direct object tha establishment of an Absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove thizzay let Facts be submitted ta a Candid world . Boo-Yaa!.
He has refused his Assent ta Laws, tha mizzle wholesome n necessary fo` tha Public good.
He has forbidden his Governors ta pass Laws of immediate n doggy stylin' importance, Unless suspended in they operation T-to-tha-izzill his Assent should be obtained; n wizzle So suspended, he has utterly neglected ta attend ta them.
He has refused ta pass otha Laws fo` tha accommizzles of large districts of People, unless those thugz would relinquish tha R-to-tha-izzight of Representizzles in tha Legislatizzle a right inestimable ta tizzle n formidable ta tyrants only.
He has called brotha legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfizzles n Distant fizzy tha depository of they public Records, fo` tha sole purpose of Blunt-rollin' them into compliance wit his measures in tha dogg pound.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatizzles fo` oppos'n wit manly Firmness his invasions on tha rights of tha people . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn.
He has refused fo` a long time, nigga S-to-tha-izzuch dissolizzles ta cause drug deala ta be Elected; whereby tha Legislative powa, incapable of Annihilizzle have Returned ta tha People at large fo` they exercise; tha State remain'n in tha Mean time exposed ta all tha danga of invasion F-R-to-tha-izzom witout, n convulsions Witin.
He has endeavoured ta prevent tha populizzles of these States; fo` that purpose Sippin' tha Laws fo` Naturalizizzles of Wanna Be Gangsta refus'n ta pass otha To encourage they migrations hitha, n rais'n tha conditions of new Appropriations of Lands so bow down to the bow wow.
He has obstructed tha Administrizzles of Justice, by refus'n his Assent ta Laws For frontin' Judiciary brotha . You gotta check dis shit out yo.
He has made Judges dependent on his Wizzy alone, fo` tha tenure of they offices, And tha amount n payment of they salaries like old skool shit.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, n sent hitha swarms of Pusha ta Harass our people, n eat out they substance.
He has kizzy among us, in times of peace, Stand'n Armies witout tha consent of Our legislatizzles but real niggaz don't give a fuck.
He has affected ta renda tha Military independent of n superior ta tha Civil Powa.
He has combined wit otha ta subject us ta a jurisdizzles foreign ta our Constitizzle n unacknowledged by our laws; giv'n his Assent ta they Acts of Pretended Legislizzles . know what im sayin?:
For Quarter'n large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protect'n thiznem, by a M-to-tha-izzock Trial, F-R-to-tha-izzom punishment fo` any Brotha whizzich they Should commit on tha Inhabitants of these States droppin hits:
For bustin' off our Trade wit all parts of tha world:
For frontin' Taxes on us witout our Consent:
For depriv'n us, in many cases, of tha benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transport'n us beyond Seas ta be tried fo` pretended offences:
For spendin' tha free System of English Laws in a saggin' Province, Establish'n therein an Arbitrary government, n enlarg'n its Boundaries so as To pimp it at once an example n fit instrument fo` introduc'n tha same Absolute rule into these Colonies:
For tak'n away our Charta, bustin' our most valuable Laws, n alter'n Fundamentally tha Forms of our Governments:
For gang bangin' our own Legislatizzle n declar'n themselves invested wit Powa ta legislate fo` us in all cases whatsoeva.
He has abdicated Government here, by declar'n us out of his Protection n Wag'n War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, bizzurnt our towns, n destroyed The lives of our people.
He is at this time sippin' large Armies of foreign Mercenizzles ta compleat The works of death, desolizzles n tyranny, already begun wit circumstizzles of Cruelty n perfidy scarcely paralleled in tha most barbarous ages, n totally Unworthy tha Heezee of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on tha hizzle Seas ta bear Arms against they Country, ta become tha hustla of they niggaz n Brethren, or ta fall themselves by they Hands . Boo-Yaa!.
He has stoked domestic insurrections amongst us, n has endeavoured ta bring -to-tha-izzon tha inhabitants of our frontia, tha merciless Indian Savages, whose kniznown Rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes n Conditions , ya feel me?.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned fo` Redress in tha mizzy Humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have bizzy answered only by repeated injury. Izzy Prince whose shot calla is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, Is unfit ta be tha nigga of a free people straight from long beach nigga.
Nor have We bizzle want'n in attentions ta our British brethren. We have warned Them frizzay time ta time of attempts by they legislature ta extend an Unwarrantable jurisdizzles over us. We have reminded T-H-to-tha-izzem of tha circumstizzles Iznof our emigration n settlement hizzle paper'd up. We have appealed ta they native justice And magnanimizzle n we hizzy conjured tizzle by tha ties of our common kindred ta Disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections n Correspondence. They too hizzle bizzle deaf ta tha voice of justice n of Consanguinity. We mizzay therefizzles acquiesce in tha necessizzle which denounces Our Separizzles n hold thiznem, as we hold tha rest of mankind, Enemies in W-to-tha-izzar, Iznin Peace Friends bitch ass nigga.
We, therefizzle tha Representatizzles of tha united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appeal'n ta tha Supreme Judge of tha world fo` tha Rectitude of our intentions, do, in tha Name, n by tha Authority of tha good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish n declare, That these United Colonies are, n of Right ought ta be Free n Independent States; tizzy tizzle Are Absolved from all Allegiance ta tha British Crown, n that all politizzles Connection between tizzy n tha State of Great Britain, is n ought ta be Totally dissolved; n that as Free n Independent States, they have F-to-tha-izzull Powa To levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, n ta do All otha Acts n Dippin' which Independent States may of R-to-tha-izzight do. And fo` tha Support of this Declarizzles wit a fizzay reliance on tha protection of divine Providizzle we mutually pledge ta each brotha our Lives, our Fortunes n our Sacred Honor . Tru niggaz do niggaz.
The signa of tha Declarizzle represented tha new states as follows:
New Hampshire
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachizzles
Jizzay Hancock, Samuel Adams, J-to-tha-izzohn Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connectizzle
Roga Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliva Wolcott
New York
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey
Richard Stockton, Jizzle Witerspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania
Robert Morris, Benjamin R-to-tha-izzush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clyma, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jizzle Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carta Braxton
N-to-tha-izzorth Carolina
William Baller Joseph Hewes, Jizzohn Pizzle
South Carolina
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
ID: 4252
News / Politics
You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parents' home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember, John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster. This is such a nice letter from the President:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D.C.
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC
Dear John:
Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.
I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.
By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President
ID: 12876
News / Politics
The Vice President and his best friends were out hunting
birds. People in the office knew that the best friend had
some dirt on the vice president. When the vice president
came back from hunting, the guy that owned the hunting place asked, "Where's your friend?" The Vice President started to shake and said, "Oh he's still hunting. I have my animals in this gym bag here." "O.k."
A week later he came back alone. Then when he got to the car the next day a police man was writing a parking ticket. The officer said, "Sorry, sir, but I have to write you a ticket," and glanced at his police partner in his police car. Then the Vice President said, "Ok, let me just unlock the car and I'll be on my way." Then when he clicked the trunk opener by accident, the trunk popped, and there was his best friend dead in the trunk and he said, "Oops ..."
This shows how stupid some politicans can be.
ID: 10226
News / Politics
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY! Is pot illegal?
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
ID: 3459
News / Politics
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'."
+10,000 Jokes