ID: 17874
News / Politics
Did you hear the one about when the Great Recession began? The President appointed a cat to chair the Federal Reserve. Do you know why?
Because when a cat falls, it always lands on its feet.
ID: 17771
News / Politics
Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
ID: 18059
News / Politics
Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off.
ID: 17765
News / Politics
Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.
ID: 17754
News / Politics
The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".
ID: 18001
News / Politics
"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno
"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno
"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" —Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States." –Jay Leno
"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien
"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." —Bill Maher
"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien
"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." —Bill Maher
"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." —Jay Leno
"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno
"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman
"Well, President Obama said today he's going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno
ID: 16123
News / Politics
It's the end of the world as we know it...
and I feel fine...
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad he told the three of them that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind. So...
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news. There is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and bad news. The first is there is a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff.... "I have good news and good news. Firstly, God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people in the world. The second is, we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows95."
ID: 17769
News / Politics
When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")
ID: 16576
News / Politics
3 sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten.
The first one says, "I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick."
The second shark says, "That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Yeltsin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk."
The third shark laughs and said, "You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!"
+10,000 Jokes