ID: 15104
News / Politics
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He answered it and listened intently. After a brief moment, his face lit up with a smile.
He hung up the phone and immediately called his mother to pass along the good news.
"Ma, the results are in," he shouted joyously. "I won the election!"
"Honestly?" his mother replied.
"Aw, gee, Ma, what a time to bring that up!" he said.
ID: 3311
News / Politics
Soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
ID: 96
News / Politics
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
ID: 366
News / Politics
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
ID: 520
News / Politics
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you''ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ''round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn''t, even with my wife
And Jennifer Flowers'' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don''t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don''t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have -once with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs.Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you''ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
ID: 587
News / Politics
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
ID: 522
News / Politics
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words
Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners.
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown.
ID: 3310
News / Politics
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill continues sleeping. Hillary shouts, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
ID: 2827
News / Politics
God says the world is going to end, so he chooses three famous people to tell everyone. So, George Bush, Bill Gates, and Saddam Hussein come to see, him. God tells them that the world is going to end and tells them to tell their people. George Bush goes live on CNN and tells America, "Folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you were right all along, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world." Saddam goes to tell all of his people of his encounter, "My people, I have some bad news and some worse news, the bad news is that those damn Americans were right all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world." Then Bill Gates writes an e-mail to all of his friends and employees, "Hi people, Iv'e got some great news and even better news. The great news is that God thinks I am one of the most famous people on earth. The even better news is that we don't have to upgrade from Windows XP.
+10,000 Jokes