ID: 17369
News / Politics
This is seriously strange.
If you vote, don't vote because it offends you, just view it as sarcastic.
If this being sarcastic offends you, view it as serious. I refuse to tell which way I think about it.
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he feels that no one should have one.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God or religion silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
ID: 17696
News / Politics
Hw does Battery reproduce?
Bi pluging it into Boodler's Giant ass!
ID: 17736
News / Politics
Will there be KGB in communism?
As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to arrest themselves.
ID: 17613
News / Politics
Q: Comrade Lev, why now, just when things are getting better for your people, are you applying for an exit visa to make aliyah to Israel?
A: Well, comrade, there are two reasons. One is that my next-door neighbor is Pamyat and he tells me that after they get rid of you communists, they are coming next after the Jews.
Q: But they will never get rid of us communists!
A: I know, I know, of course you are right! And that's the other reason.
ID: 17742
News / Politics
Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?
In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished.
Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished.
ID: 17124
News / Politics
They had quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. Apparently, President Obama was meeting with some potential cabinet nominees and someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before.
Turns out it was just a tax form, but it gave them quite a fright.
- Jay Leno
ID: 16573
News / Politics
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.
"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."
So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.
"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"
A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."
ID: 17492
News / Politics
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."
ID: 17729
News / Politics
The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.
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