ID: 16341
News / Politics
There once was a President who had a law that evryone had to laugh once a hour or they spent an hour in jail.
ID: 6931
News / Politics
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theatre."
ID: 13927
News / Politics
The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776
The unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America,
W-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha earth, tha separate n equal station ta whizzay The Laws of Nature n of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect ta tha Opinions of mankind requires that tizzle should declare tha causes which impel Them ta tha separizzles.
We hold these truths ta be self-evizzles that all men is created equal, that They is endowed by they Creator wit certain unalienable Rights, that among These is Life, Liberty n tha pursuit of Happiness. --That ta secure these Rights, Governments is instituted among Men, deriv'n they jizzle pusha fizzy The consent of tha governed, --That wheneva any Form of Government becomes Destructive of these ends, it is tha Right of tha People ta alta or ta abolish It, n ta institute new Government, lay'n its foundation on siznuch principles And organiz'n its powa in such fizzorm, as ta T-H-to-tha-izzem shall seem mizzle likely ta Effect they Safety n Happiness like a tru playa'. Prudence, indeed, wiznill dictate thizzay Governments long established should not be changed fo` light n transient Causes; n accordingly all experience hath shewn, thiznat mankind is mizzy Disposed ta suffa, while evils is sufferizzles T-H-to-tha-izzan ta rizzay themselves by Ridin' tha forms ta whiznich tizzle is accustomed. But W-H-to-tha-izzen a long train of Abuses n usurpations, pursu'n invariably tha same Object evinces a design ta Reduce them unda absolute Despotism, it is they right, it is they duty, ta Throw off S-to-tha-izzuch Government, n ta provide new Guards fo` they future security . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. —Such . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. Has bizzle tha patient sufferance of these Colonies; n such is now tha necessity Which constrains them ta brotha they poser Systems of Government crazy up in here. The history Izzay tha present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated Injuries n usurpations, all hav'n in direct object tha establishment of an Absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove thizzay let Facts be submitted ta a Candid world . Boo-Yaa!.
He has refused his Assent ta Laws, tha mizzle wholesome n necessary fo` tha Public good.
He has forbidden his Governors ta pass Laws of immediate n doggy stylin' importance, Unless suspended in they operation T-to-tha-izzill his Assent should be obtained; n wizzle So suspended, he has utterly neglected ta attend ta them.
He has refused ta pass otha Laws fo` tha accommizzles of large districts of People, unless those thugz would relinquish tha R-to-tha-izzight of Representizzles in tha Legislatizzle a right inestimable ta tizzle n formidable ta tyrants only.
He has called brotha legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfizzles n Distant fizzy tha depository of they public Records, fo` tha sole purpose of Blunt-rollin' them into compliance wit his measures in tha dogg pound.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatizzles fo` oppos'n wit manly Firmness his invasions on tha rights of tha people . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn.
He has refused fo` a long time, nigga S-to-tha-izzuch dissolizzles ta cause drug deala ta be Elected; whereby tha Legislative powa, incapable of Annihilizzle have Returned ta tha People at large fo` they exercise; tha State remain'n in tha Mean time exposed ta all tha danga of invasion F-R-to-tha-izzom witout, n convulsions Witin.
He has endeavoured ta prevent tha populizzles of these States; fo` that purpose Sippin' tha Laws fo` Naturalizizzles of Wanna Be Gangsta refus'n ta pass otha To encourage they migrations hitha, n rais'n tha conditions of new Appropriations of Lands so bow down to the bow wow.
He has obstructed tha Administrizzles of Justice, by refus'n his Assent ta Laws For frontin' Judiciary brotha . You gotta check dis shit out yo.
He has made Judges dependent on his Wizzy alone, fo` tha tenure of they offices, And tha amount n payment of they salaries like old skool shit.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, n sent hitha swarms of Pusha ta Harass our people, n eat out they substance.
He has kizzy among us, in times of peace, Stand'n Armies witout tha consent of Our legislatizzles but real niggaz don't give a fuck.
He has affected ta renda tha Military independent of n superior ta tha Civil Powa.
He has combined wit otha ta subject us ta a jurisdizzles foreign ta our Constitizzle n unacknowledged by our laws; giv'n his Assent ta they Acts of Pretended Legislizzles . know what im sayin?:
For Quarter'n large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protect'n thiznem, by a M-to-tha-izzock Trial, F-R-to-tha-izzom punishment fo` any Brotha whizzich they Should commit on tha Inhabitants of these States droppin hits:
For bustin' off our Trade wit all parts of tha world:
For frontin' Taxes on us witout our Consent:
For depriv'n us, in many cases, of tha benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transport'n us beyond Seas ta be tried fo` pretended offences:
For spendin' tha free System of English Laws in a saggin' Province, Establish'n therein an Arbitrary government, n enlarg'n its Boundaries so as To pimp it at once an example n fit instrument fo` introduc'n tha same Absolute rule into these Colonies:
For tak'n away our Charta, bustin' our most valuable Laws, n alter'n Fundamentally tha Forms of our Governments:
For gang bangin' our own Legislatizzle n declar'n themselves invested wit Powa ta legislate fo` us in all cases whatsoeva.
He has abdicated Government here, by declar'n us out of his Protection n Wag'n War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, bizzurnt our towns, n destroyed The lives of our people.
He is at this time sippin' large Armies of foreign Mercenizzles ta compleat The works of death, desolizzles n tyranny, already begun wit circumstizzles of Cruelty n perfidy scarcely paralleled in tha most barbarous ages, n totally Unworthy tha Heezee of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on tha hizzle Seas ta bear Arms against they Country, ta become tha hustla of they niggaz n Brethren, or ta fall themselves by they Hands . Boo-Yaa!.
He has stoked domestic insurrections amongst us, n has endeavoured ta bring -to-tha-izzon tha inhabitants of our frontia, tha merciless Indian Savages, whose kniznown Rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes n Conditions , ya feel me?.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned fo` Redress in tha mizzy Humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have bizzy answered only by repeated injury. Izzy Prince whose shot calla is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, Is unfit ta be tha nigga of a free people straight from long beach nigga.
Nor have We bizzle want'n in attentions ta our British brethren. We have warned Them frizzay time ta time of attempts by they legislature ta extend an Unwarrantable jurisdizzles over us. We have reminded T-H-to-tha-izzem of tha circumstizzles Iznof our emigration n settlement hizzle paper'd up. We have appealed ta they native justice And magnanimizzle n we hizzy conjured tizzle by tha ties of our common kindred ta Disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections n Correspondence. They too hizzle bizzle deaf ta tha voice of justice n of Consanguinity. We mizzay therefizzles acquiesce in tha necessizzle which denounces Our Separizzles n hold thiznem, as we hold tha rest of mankind, Enemies in W-to-tha-izzar, Iznin Peace Friends bitch ass nigga.
We, therefizzle tha Representatizzles of tha united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appeal'n ta tha Supreme Judge of tha world fo` tha Rectitude of our intentions, do, in tha Name, n by tha Authority of tha good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish n declare, That these United Colonies are, n of Right ought ta be Free n Independent States; tizzy tizzle Are Absolved from all Allegiance ta tha British Crown, n that all politizzles Connection between tizzy n tha State of Great Britain, is n ought ta be Totally dissolved; n that as Free n Independent States, they have F-to-tha-izzull Powa To levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, n ta do All otha Acts n Dippin' which Independent States may of R-to-tha-izzight do. And fo` tha Support of this Declarizzles wit a fizzay reliance on tha protection of divine Providizzle we mutually pledge ta each brotha our Lives, our Fortunes n our Sacred Honor . Tru niggaz do niggaz.
The signa of tha Declarizzle represented tha new states as follows:
New Hampshire
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachizzles
Jizzay Hancock, Samuel Adams, J-to-tha-izzohn Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connectizzle
Roga Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliva Wolcott
New York
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey
Richard Stockton, Jizzle Witerspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania
Robert Morris, Benjamin R-to-tha-izzush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clyma, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jizzle Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carta Braxton
N-to-tha-izzorth Carolina
William Baller Joseph Hewes, Jizzohn Pizzle
South Carolina
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
ID: 5215
News / Politics
At a party, a man came up to a stranger and asked "Have you heard the latest Bush joke?"
The man replies, "I am Bush."
The man said, "Oh. I'll tell it slowly."
ID: 3414
News / Politics
Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God,
"Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, " Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor - over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries..."This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Alaska, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests - the people from Alaska are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world - as diplomats, and carriers of peace ...."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God smiled, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Juneau."
ID: 1402
News / Politics
Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Washington were all on an airplane looking out the door. George Washington says, " I'm going to make somebody happy" then throws a $20 out of the plane. Bill Clinton says, "I'm going to make two people happy" then throws 2 $20's out of the plane. Abraham Lincoln says "I'm going to make everybody happy" and throws Bill Clinton out of the plane.
ID: 4111
News / Politics
TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.
PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.
AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.
ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.
CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS
You have a cow and a bull,
You let the cow be president and the bull be prime minister and let them blame each other for the state the country is in.
ID: 818
News / Politics
Microsoft Vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
ID: 6710
News / Politics
Enter MEXICO illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical carefor you and your entire family. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance,and have an accident. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural UnitedStates thing. You would not understand, pal."
Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legalrights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal,presence in Mexico.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all itsofficers.
This will never work in the real world. So why do we let them do it to us?
+10,000 Jokes