ID: 14792
News / Politics
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "All politicians are assholes."
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"
"No," he replies, "I'm an asshole."
ID: 9158
News / Politics
To save a tree remove a Bush.
ID: 4995
News / Politics
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
ID: 2634
News / Politics
Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant.
Said the first man "I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me."
"That's nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."
ID: 10670
News / Politics
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy.
In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations' team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident.
The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only: OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
ID: 11554
News / Politics
The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Government."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!
Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
ID: 4274
News / Politics
1. Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
2. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Child a Dime!
3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just isn't Good Enough.
4. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!
5. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Billionaire Behind
7. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
8. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not Paying Attention
9. Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast
10. Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!
11. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars
12. Bush/Cheney '04: Asses of Evil
13. Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile
14. Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
15. Vote Bush in '04: Because Dictatorship is Easier
16. George W. Bush: A Brainwave away from the Presidency
17. George W. Bush: It Takes a Village Idiot
18. Don't Think. Vote Bush!
19. BU_ _SH_ _!
ID: 864
News / Politics
These are all true cuttings,
Irish police are being handicapped
in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It is
a Special Branch vehicle and they
do not want the public to know what it
looks like. (The Guardian)
Police reveal that a woman
arrested for shoplifting had a
whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she
said it was because she was
missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The
Manchester Evening News)
After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound]
overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed
poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are
Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked
him to close his account and Mr.
Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p
balance by cheque made out in his
new name.
(The Guardian)
Notice seen in the Churchtown
Parish Magazine: Would the
congregation please
note that the bowl at the back of
the church labelled "For the sick"
is for monetary donations only.
There must, for instance, be
something very strange in a man
who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy,
doesn't try it on. (Glasgow
Evening News)
A young girl who was blown out to
sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable
lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented:
"This sort of thing is all too
common?" (The Times)
At the height of the gale the
harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied that he was sorry but
he didn't have a gauge. However if
it was any help the wind had just
blown his Land-Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Commenting on a complaint from a
Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill a spokesman for North West Gas
said: "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey
has been charged for the gas used
up during the explosion that blew his
house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
ID: 12545
News / Politics
These four guys were walking down the street; a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's 'shortage'?"
The Russian says, "What's 'meat'?"
The North Korean says, "What's 'opinion'?"
The New Yorker, says, "'Excuse me'? What's 'excuse me'?"
+10,000 Jokes