ID: 3414
News / Politics
Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God,
"Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, " Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor - over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries..."This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Alaska, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests - the people from Alaska are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world - as diplomats, and carriers of peace ...."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God smiled, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Juneau."
ID: 18038
News / Politics
The European union has decided the only way to avoid Greece defaulting on its debts is to replace the government and civil service with 300 Spartans !
ID: 16572
News / Politics
The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.
ID: 15084
News / Politics
Why don't politicians ever consider being gynocologists?
They would have to deal with too much Bush every day!
ID: 96
News / Politics
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
ID: 14586
News / Politics
California
• A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.
• Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.
• Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
• A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol.
• Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Bathhouses are against the law.
• Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
• Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
• Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
• California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.
• Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles.
• Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
• Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
• Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
• Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.
• In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.
• In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.
• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
• In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• In California it is illegal to have caller ID
• In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.
• In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
• In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
• In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.
• In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
• In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
• In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a gay person.
• In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!)
• In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.
• In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.
• In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
• It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
• Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
• Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
• Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
• Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.
• Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent; You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time; You may not hunt moths under a street light; It is illegal to cry on the witness stand; Toads may not be licked; It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison); Zoot suits are prohibited.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.
• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
• Pacific Grove: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
• Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
• Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
• Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
• San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.
• San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
• San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash; It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear; Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street; It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner; Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
• San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."
• San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.
• San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
• Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
• The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
• The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
• The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.
• Women may not drive in a house coat.
• You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.
ID: 2392
News / Politics
Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
ID: 14696
News / Politics
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following
question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?
........................................................
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.
........................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
..........................................................
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!
ID: 94
News / Politics
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" the President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
+10,000 Jokes