ID: 6827
News / Politics
You might be a Republican if...
1. You have a brain
2. You have morales
3. Your bumper sticker say's "Somewhere in Massachusetts a village is missing it's idiot"
4. You totaly agree with everything Foxworthy say's
5. You bought a shotgun and THEN voted against gun control
You might become a republican if...
1. You found a brain
2. You stole someones morales
3. You bought a truck with that bumper sticker and was to lazy to take it off.
4. You're dating a Republicans daughter
5. Actually it was the guy's shotgun that changed you.
You might be a democrat if...
1. You have no brain
2. You have no morales
3. Your bumper sticker say's "eye is ejumucated, u shid bee two"
4. You don't know who Hitler is but think he has a cool name.
5. You think homosexuality is fine, but not for your kids.
You might become a democrat if...
1. You lost your brain
2. Someone stole your morales
3. You can't read said bumper sticker
4. You don't get anything Foxworthy say's
5. You love your daughter, she loves her dad, and you're jealous
ID: 15577
News / Politics
Major Scandal during their presidency....
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore
Complaints toward the President.....
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns
Their Vice-Presidents...
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.
Presidential qualities.....
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.
Things the President couldn't explain....
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase
Job titles....
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Slogans....
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
Known for....
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Acquaintances....
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Famous feats....
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Quoted as....
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Presidential Nicknames....
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Tricky Dick
and finally, Presidential excuses....
Nixon: I am not a crook!
Clinton: I did not do nook!
ID: 3459
News / Politics
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'."
ID: 864
News / Politics
These are all true cuttings,
Irish police are being handicapped
in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It is
a Special Branch vehicle and they
do not want the public to know what it
looks like. (The Guardian)
Police reveal that a woman
arrested for shoplifting had a
whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she
said it was because she was
missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The
Manchester Evening News)
After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound]
overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed
poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are
Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked
him to close his account and Mr.
Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p
balance by cheque made out in his
new name.
(The Guardian)
Notice seen in the Churchtown
Parish Magazine: Would the
congregation please
note that the bowl at the back of
the church labelled "For the sick"
is for monetary donations only.
There must, for instance, be
something very strange in a man
who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy,
doesn't try it on. (Glasgow
Evening News)
A young girl who was blown out to
sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable
lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented:
"This sort of thing is all too
common?" (The Times)
At the height of the gale the
harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied that he was sorry but
he didn't have a gauge. However if
it was any help the wind had just
blown his Land-Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Commenting on a complaint from a
Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill a spokesman for North West Gas
said: "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey
has been charged for the gas used
up during the explosion that blew his
house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
ID: 844
News / Politics
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.
"No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
ID: 173
News / Politics
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended", is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist; further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
ID: 521
News / Politics
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
ID: 818
News / Politics
Microsoft Vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
ID: 1402
News / Politics
Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Washington were all on an airplane looking out the door. George Washington says, " I'm going to make somebody happy" then throws a $20 out of the plane. Bill Clinton says, "I'm going to make two people happy" then throws 2 $20's out of the plane. Abraham Lincoln says "I'm going to make everybody happy" and throws Bill Clinton out of the plane.
+10,000 Jokes