ID: 14729
News / Politics
Leonid Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say?" Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
ID: 17751
News / Politics
"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."
ID: 17756
News / Politics
"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!"
"Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!"
"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).
ID: 17874
News / Politics
Did you hear the one about when the Great Recession began? The President appointed a cat to chair the Federal Reserve. Do you know why?
Because when a cat falls, it always lands on its feet.
ID: 17763
News / Politics
Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television?
A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV.
ID: 17760
News / Politics
A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. You made Comrade Major laugh a lot with your tea joke."
ID: 18003
News / Politics
"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation." Jay Leno.
"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." Conan O'Brien.
"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" Jay Leno, on the debt deal.
"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." David Letterman, on the debt deal.
"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President; and with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" Conan O'Brien.
"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." Jay Leno.
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." David Letterman.
"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies." Jimmy Fallon.
"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." Jimmy Fallon.
ID: 17754
News / Politics
The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".
ID: 17740
News / Politics
Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there."
+10,000 Jokes