ID: 17759
News / Politics
In a restaurant:
― Why are the meatballs of cubic shape?
― Perestroika! (restructuring)
― Why are they undercooked?
― Uskoreniye! (acceleration)
― Why are they bitten?
― Gospriyomka (state approval)
― Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?
― Glasnost! (openness)
ID: 10609
News / Politics
Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812?
A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.
ID: 97
News / Politics
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bill's clock?"
St. Peter replied,"Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan."
ID: 2788
News / Politics
Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
ID: 13358
News / Politics
Two Saudis emigrated to America with their families. On the plane ride over they made a bet about who could become more "Americanized" in their first year.
As agreed, they met exactly one year later. The first guy pulled up in his Hummer and said to the second guy "I win. There's no way you can beat me: I just dropped my son off at Little League, I'm on my way to pick my daughter up from cheerleading practice, and I stopped at McDonalds on my way here."
And the second guy said "Fuck you, towelhead!"
ID: 761
News / Politics
The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'
'And the bad news?' they ask.
Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm'.
ID: 11770
News / Politics
Every village has its idiot. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing theirs.
ID: 3339
News / Politics
In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.
"I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced.
In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter.
Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Gore kept "coming up." "I'm sick to my stomach over this," Lecter said.
President Bush didn't seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. "I think it's all crap by now, don't you?"
ID: 6933
News / Politics
Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.
+10,000 Jokes