ID: 6959
News / Politics
Reporters asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Roe v. Wade? His response: "Two alternate ways to cross the Potomac."
ID: 7920
News / Politics
Did you know that the goverment finds Native American chiefs more important than presidents? The new head on Mt. Rushmore is at least twice the size of the others. It's the head of an Indian!
ID: 10670
News / Politics
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy.
In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations' team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident.
The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only: OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
ID: 3599
News / Politics
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.
Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again, the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here; just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall". He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
ID: 13927
News / Politics
The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776
The unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America,
W-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha earth, tha separate n equal station ta whizzay The Laws of Nature n of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect ta tha Opinions of mankind requires that tizzle should declare tha causes which impel Them ta tha separizzles.
We hold these truths ta be self-evizzles that all men is created equal, that They is endowed by they Creator wit certain unalienable Rights, that among These is Life, Liberty n tha pursuit of Happiness. --That ta secure these Rights, Governments is instituted among Men, deriv'n they jizzle pusha fizzy The consent of tha governed, --That wheneva any Form of Government becomes Destructive of these ends, it is tha Right of tha People ta alta or ta abolish It, n ta institute new Government, lay'n its foundation on siznuch principles And organiz'n its powa in such fizzorm, as ta T-H-to-tha-izzem shall seem mizzle likely ta Effect they Safety n Happiness like a tru playa'. Prudence, indeed, wiznill dictate thizzay Governments long established should not be changed fo` light n transient Causes; n accordingly all experience hath shewn, thiznat mankind is mizzy Disposed ta suffa, while evils is sufferizzles T-H-to-tha-izzan ta rizzay themselves by Ridin' tha forms ta whiznich tizzle is accustomed. But W-H-to-tha-izzen a long train of Abuses n usurpations, pursu'n invariably tha same Object evinces a design ta Reduce them unda absolute Despotism, it is they right, it is they duty, ta Throw off S-to-tha-izzuch Government, n ta provide new Guards fo` they future security . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. —Such . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. Has bizzle tha patient sufferance of these Colonies; n such is now tha necessity Which constrains them ta brotha they poser Systems of Government crazy up in here. The history Izzay tha present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated Injuries n usurpations, all hav'n in direct object tha establishment of an Absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove thizzay let Facts be submitted ta a Candid world . Boo-Yaa!.
He has refused his Assent ta Laws, tha mizzle wholesome n necessary fo` tha Public good.
He has forbidden his Governors ta pass Laws of immediate n doggy stylin' importance, Unless suspended in they operation T-to-tha-izzill his Assent should be obtained; n wizzle So suspended, he has utterly neglected ta attend ta them.
He has refused ta pass otha Laws fo` tha accommizzles of large districts of People, unless those thugz would relinquish tha R-to-tha-izzight of Representizzles in tha Legislatizzle a right inestimable ta tizzle n formidable ta tyrants only.
He has called brotha legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfizzles n Distant fizzy tha depository of they public Records, fo` tha sole purpose of Blunt-rollin' them into compliance wit his measures in tha dogg pound.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatizzles fo` oppos'n wit manly Firmness his invasions on tha rights of tha people . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn.
He has refused fo` a long time, nigga S-to-tha-izzuch dissolizzles ta cause drug deala ta be Elected; whereby tha Legislative powa, incapable of Annihilizzle have Returned ta tha People at large fo` they exercise; tha State remain'n in tha Mean time exposed ta all tha danga of invasion F-R-to-tha-izzom witout, n convulsions Witin.
He has endeavoured ta prevent tha populizzles of these States; fo` that purpose Sippin' tha Laws fo` Naturalizizzles of Wanna Be Gangsta refus'n ta pass otha To encourage they migrations hitha, n rais'n tha conditions of new Appropriations of Lands so bow down to the bow wow.
He has obstructed tha Administrizzles of Justice, by refus'n his Assent ta Laws For frontin' Judiciary brotha . You gotta check dis shit out yo.
He has made Judges dependent on his Wizzy alone, fo` tha tenure of they offices, And tha amount n payment of they salaries like old skool shit.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, n sent hitha swarms of Pusha ta Harass our people, n eat out they substance.
He has kizzy among us, in times of peace, Stand'n Armies witout tha consent of Our legislatizzles but real niggaz don't give a fuck.
He has affected ta renda tha Military independent of n superior ta tha Civil Powa.
He has combined wit otha ta subject us ta a jurisdizzles foreign ta our Constitizzle n unacknowledged by our laws; giv'n his Assent ta they Acts of Pretended Legislizzles . know what im sayin?:
For Quarter'n large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protect'n thiznem, by a M-to-tha-izzock Trial, F-R-to-tha-izzom punishment fo` any Brotha whizzich they Should commit on tha Inhabitants of these States droppin hits:
For bustin' off our Trade wit all parts of tha world:
For frontin' Taxes on us witout our Consent:
For depriv'n us, in many cases, of tha benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transport'n us beyond Seas ta be tried fo` pretended offences:
For spendin' tha free System of English Laws in a saggin' Province, Establish'n therein an Arbitrary government, n enlarg'n its Boundaries so as To pimp it at once an example n fit instrument fo` introduc'n tha same Absolute rule into these Colonies:
For tak'n away our Charta, bustin' our most valuable Laws, n alter'n Fundamentally tha Forms of our Governments:
For gang bangin' our own Legislatizzle n declar'n themselves invested wit Powa ta legislate fo` us in all cases whatsoeva.
He has abdicated Government here, by declar'n us out of his Protection n Wag'n War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, bizzurnt our towns, n destroyed The lives of our people.
He is at this time sippin' large Armies of foreign Mercenizzles ta compleat The works of death, desolizzles n tyranny, already begun wit circumstizzles of Cruelty n perfidy scarcely paralleled in tha most barbarous ages, n totally Unworthy tha Heezee of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on tha hizzle Seas ta bear Arms against they Country, ta become tha hustla of they niggaz n Brethren, or ta fall themselves by they Hands . Boo-Yaa!.
He has stoked domestic insurrections amongst us, n has endeavoured ta bring -to-tha-izzon tha inhabitants of our frontia, tha merciless Indian Savages, whose kniznown Rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes n Conditions , ya feel me?.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned fo` Redress in tha mizzy Humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have bizzy answered only by repeated injury. Izzy Prince whose shot calla is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, Is unfit ta be tha nigga of a free people straight from long beach nigga.
Nor have We bizzle want'n in attentions ta our British brethren. We have warned Them frizzay time ta time of attempts by they legislature ta extend an Unwarrantable jurisdizzles over us. We have reminded T-H-to-tha-izzem of tha circumstizzles Iznof our emigration n settlement hizzle paper'd up. We have appealed ta they native justice And magnanimizzle n we hizzy conjured tizzle by tha ties of our common kindred ta Disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections n Correspondence. They too hizzle bizzle deaf ta tha voice of justice n of Consanguinity. We mizzay therefizzles acquiesce in tha necessizzle which denounces Our Separizzles n hold thiznem, as we hold tha rest of mankind, Enemies in W-to-tha-izzar, Iznin Peace Friends bitch ass nigga.
We, therefizzle tha Representatizzles of tha united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appeal'n ta tha Supreme Judge of tha world fo` tha Rectitude of our intentions, do, in tha Name, n by tha Authority of tha good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish n declare, That these United Colonies are, n of Right ought ta be Free n Independent States; tizzy tizzle Are Absolved from all Allegiance ta tha British Crown, n that all politizzles Connection between tizzy n tha State of Great Britain, is n ought ta be Totally dissolved; n that as Free n Independent States, they have F-to-tha-izzull Powa To levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, n ta do All otha Acts n Dippin' which Independent States may of R-to-tha-izzight do. And fo` tha Support of this Declarizzles wit a fizzay reliance on tha protection of divine Providizzle we mutually pledge ta each brotha our Lives, our Fortunes n our Sacred Honor . Tru niggaz do niggaz.
The signa of tha Declarizzle represented tha new states as follows:
New Hampshire
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton
Massachizzles
Jizzay Hancock, Samuel Adams, J-to-tha-izzohn Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry
Rhode Island
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery
Connectizzle
Roga Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliva Wolcott
New York
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris
New Jersey
Richard Stockton, Jizzle Witerspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark
Pennsylvania
Robert Morris, Benjamin R-to-tha-izzush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clyma, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross
Delaware
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean
Maryland
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Virginia
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jizzle Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carta Braxton
N-to-tha-izzorth Carolina
William Baller Joseph Hewes, Jizzohn Pizzle
South Carolina
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton
Georgia
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton
ID: 8119
News / Politics
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
ID: 7544
News / Politics
There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today the had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they'll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy".
ID: 6931
News / Politics
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theatre."
ID: 3459
News / Politics
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'."
+10,000 Jokes