NEWS / POLITICS

ID: 17749

News / Politics

Party Congress

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

ID: 17751

News / Politics

Leonid Ilyich is in Surgery

"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."

ID: 3311

News / Politics

Clinton Honoraries..

Soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

ID: 17759

News / Politics

Gorbachev

In a restaurant:
― Why are the meatballs of cubic shape?
― Perestroika! (restructuring)
― Why are they undercooked?
― Uskoreniye! (acceleration)
― Why are they bitten?
― Gospriyomka (state approval)
― Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?
― Glasnost! (openness)

ID: 17746

News / Politics

Civil War

During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"

ID: 17719

News / Politics

Nikolay is a Moron

A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by the policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say "moron", you obviously refer to our tsar".

ID: 17671

News / Politics

Yuri Gagarin

The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin's car was stolen in Moscow during the celebrations?"
The Armenian Radio answers: "In principle yes, but it was not in Moscow, rather in Kiev, and it was not his car, but his bike and it was not comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, but comrade highschool teacher Gagarin and his first name was not Yuri, but Leonid..."

ID: 17738

News / Politics

Abramovich

Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was paroled before he served the rest of his sentence.

ID: 522

News / Politics

Limerick Contest

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words
Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners.

Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown.

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