ID: 6710
News / Politics
Enter MEXICO illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical carefor you and your entire family. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance,and have an accident. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural UnitedStates thing. You would not understand, pal."
Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legalrights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal,presence in Mexico.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all itsofficers.
This will never work in the real world. So why do we let them do it to us?
ID: 109
News / Politics
G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.
G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
ID: 97
News / Politics
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bill's clock?"
St. Peter replied,"Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan."
ID: 2111
News / Politics
Why did President George W. Bush go into a gorilla's nest in the jungle?
To be with his family!
ID: 661
News / Politics
One day, George W. Bush was leaving a very interesting meeting of the United Nations. Once stepping outside, he was met by the Iraqi ambassador, and he started to talk to George.
"You know, George, my children are here on this trip with me to the States, and they have gained interest in your television programs. They have especially like the television show Star Trek, although one thing is bothering them about it...The show shows how the races of the Earth can come together in the starship Enterprise, although, they have never seen an Iraqi citizen aboard the ship, and they were just wondering; Why is that?"
George chuckles a little and gives him a short answer to his question. "Because it takes place in the FUTURE!"
ID: 173
News / Politics
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended", is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist; further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
ID: 7962
News / Politics
One day a cop walks in to a barber shop and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The cop thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a box of a dozen donuts on the barber's desk. A republican walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The republican thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a self help book on his desk. A democrat walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but barber says, "I'm doing free haircuts this week." The next day, there are 20 democrats at the door waiting for a free haircut.
ID: 10609
News / Politics
Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812?
A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.
ID: 13052
News / Politics
Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
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