ID: 16082
News / Politics
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll have those mirrors removed right away!"
ID: 7106
News / Politics
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God,
"and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, then said, "There is another Washington... wait until you see the idiots I put there!"
ID: 10609
News / Politics
Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812?
A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.
ID: 9675
News / Politics
One day, about a month ago, the president was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States... How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."
To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars."
He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes... get my panties as low as my wages... get that thing of yours as hard as the times... keep it as high as the gas prices... keep me warmer than my apartment... and... screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
ID: 520
News / Politics
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you''ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ''round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn''t, even with my wife
And Jennifer Flowers'' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don''t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don''t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have -once with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs.Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you''ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
ID: 3599
News / Politics
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.
Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again, the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here; just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall". He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
ID: 6928
News / Politics
How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
They both look like the work of a butcher.
If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
He won't pay her $300.
What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His face.
What is the Arkansas state flower?
Gennifer.
Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
Put Janet Reno in charge.
What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
"Trust me."
What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
By the wise look in the eyes.
How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
He's the stiff one.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - he'll only promise "change."
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because they can't afford any more pork.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
They've been having turkey for years.
Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A dead girlfriend.
What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
No fee - if no recovery!
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.
How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.
What does Clinton do to lose weight?
Runs away from the draft.
How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle (in Bosnia)?
He's got his jogging suit on.
What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
The Dodgers.
What's Bill's fondest wish now?
That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
What's a Clinton sandwich?
Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
For spare parts.
Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
Now it's got two left wings.
Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
Because it hasn't got a prayer.
If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
Who cares!
How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
Trying to save both faces.
If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
The United States of America!
Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
Heredity.
Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
He turned into Hillary!
Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
None. The democrats do that.
How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
None. The Socialist - Democrats do that.
How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Why do liberals travel in threes?
One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A noose.
What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
Handcuffs.
What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A police lineup.
What's a conservative?
A liberal who made it through adolescence.
What is a conservative?
A liberal who's been mugged.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea.
You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
They get elected.
What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To tax the chicken.
Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
When he's sworn in.
How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
Depends on how many were photographed.
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To meet the chick.
How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Did you know that Clinton's cat can play chess?
Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
Bill Clinton of course!
How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A mandate to govern.
How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?
He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
"You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!"
What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
"Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!"
Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
He's afraid of the draft.
What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Koresh only burned 85 people.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Some people still believe in David Koresh.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
When will there be a woman in the White House?
When Hillary leaves town.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
Yogurt has culture.
What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
Highway 55.
Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
He is stupid!
Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
He keeps having to eat his words.
How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
His heart stops bleeding.
How does Al Gore spell potato?
T-A-T-E-R.
Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
He's the stiff one.
What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
Grade six.
If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
Coffee.
What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
Everything's $100.
What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
To study economics.
What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
To promote off-shore drilling.
Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
They all make a living by lying to people.
Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A competent liberal President.
What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
"Good morning, Bill."
What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
Unite the Republican party.
Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
When he married outside of his family.
What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
Absolutely nothing.
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
Because he filed as head of the household.
How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
Because they could spell it.
What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
The whine cellar.
Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
There is White-out on the screen.
How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
There is writing on the White-out.
What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
How is Bill like a character actor?
When he shows character, he's acting.
What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
Summer solstice.
What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
Change.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
What is Clinton's favorite war song?
"Over Here"
What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
He came dressed as a two-term president.
Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
Socialism is dead.
What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A kidney stone is easier to pass.
What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
The U.S. still has a Communist party in power.
What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A water gate.
Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
They both dominate Bills.
What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
The Conners own their own home.
What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
No one died in Watergate.
What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
Oldielocks.
What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
We have not ruled out military force.
What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A free stamp.
Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
Gonorrhea - it can be cured.
Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
To attend D-Day celebrations.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A man without a clue.
How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
He visited Oxford.
How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
No class and no principals.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
They both have Bills that are losers.
Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
John Elway.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
They both became president without being elected.
What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
An optimist.
Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
Teddy Kennedy.
What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
He thought he was in a confessional.
Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Bill Clinton.
What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Where are the two biggest airbags located?
The White House.
Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign?
A snow job.
What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
No Job.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
Vice-president of the United States.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
Nothing . . . yet.
Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family - you're happy.
ID: 19
News / Politics
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
ID: 7441
News / Politics
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his rabbi.
"Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy' and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
+10,000 Jokes