ID: 818
News / Politics
Microsoft Vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
ID: 17935
News / Politics
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
ID: 14584
News / Politics
Alaska
• A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
(O_o)
• Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear for photo opportunities.
(is shooting waking?)
• Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
(but why?)
• In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.
• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
(How did the moose get in the flippin plane?)
• Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
• State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist.
(*911* "we are sorry, this number has been disconnected")
ID: 19
News / Politics
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
ID: 661
News / Politics
One day, George W. Bush was leaving a very interesting meeting of the United Nations. Once stepping outside, he was met by the Iraqi ambassador, and he started to talk to George.
"You know, George, my children are here on this trip with me to the States, and they have gained interest in your television programs. They have especially like the television show Star Trek, although one thing is bothering them about it...The show shows how the races of the Earth can come together in the starship Enterprise, although, they have never seen an Iraqi citizen aboard the ship, and they were just wondering; Why is that?"
George chuckles a little and gives him a short answer to his question. "Because it takes place in the FUTURE!"
ID: 3187
News / Politics
George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that`s them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We`re planning World War III".
And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde."
The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde! Why kill a blonde?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
ID: 3178
News / Politics
George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
When the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
ID: 844
News / Politics
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.
"No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
ID: 94
News / Politics
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" the President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
+10,000 Jokes