ID: 18002
News / Politics
I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget...Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson
"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert
"These people could have personally witnessed Obama being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem — and they'd still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." —Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno
"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden." –David Letterman
"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien
"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There's a brand-new campaign slogan — 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.'" —David Letterman
"President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'" —Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'" –Jay Leno
"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno
"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel
ID: 17331
News / Politics
The following is a list of the U.S. deaths in certain places.
September 11: 2,752
War on Terror: 4,344
We beat ourselves.
ID: 17084
News / Politics
. . . they only tell who's left.
ID: 16066
News / Politics
President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare Air Force One.
On the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving - where are our troops?"
An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas."
ID: 15105
News / Politics
While running for the Senate in New York, the young man's political advisor heard some very upsetting news.
"Listen," he said, "you must go to Albany right away or you're going to lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."
"I have to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose even more votes," replied the candidate.
"Why? What's happening in Buffalo?" the advisor asked.
"They're telling the truth about me!" replied the candidate.
ID: 15085
News / Politics
Actual Anti-War Slogans for the War on Iraq
These colors don't run the world.
One nation under surveillance.
It's the oil, stupid.
War is expensive, Peace is priceless.
Read between the Pipelines
No More BuSh.
Smart weapons, Dumb president.
The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself.
How many Lives per Gallon?
Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now!
Peace Takes Brains
Anything war can do, peace can do better.
Negotiation Not Annihilation.
Another patriot for peace.
How did our oil get under their sand?
Go Solar, not Ballistic.
Who Would Jesus Bomb?
Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now.
Don't blame me, I voted with the majority.
Buck Fush!
Resistance is Fertile.
(Pictures of sheep carrying flags) Stop Mad Sheep Disease Now.
(UFW sign) Pick Fruit, not Fights.
(On a five year old) More Candy Less War.
Say can you see my democracy?
(With pictures of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld) Asses of Evil.
Drop Bush, Not Bombs
Oh Say can You Cease?
Star Spangled Bummer
Don't Arm a Son of a Bush
Don't do it George, Dad will still love you.
Power to the Peaceful
The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.
ID: 17488
News / Politics
In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are "banana machines". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!
ID: 16303
News / Politics
2. Australia Version
A recent survey in Australia asked the following question:
Are there too many foreigners in this country now?
Answer:
18% said: YES
82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شن
ID: 16302
News / Politics
California Version
The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."
+10,000 Jokes