ID: 3317
Men / Women
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
ID: 2378
Men / Women
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''
''What, my dear?'' she asked gently.
''I think you bring me bad luck.''
ID: 2708
Men / Women
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful teenage daughters and decided to try one last time for a son. After months, the wife finally got pregnant and after nine months, bore a healthy baby boy. The elated father rushed to the nursery to check on his infant. He was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever saw.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife smiled sweetly, "Not this time..."
ID: 13658
Men / Women
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O' Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Five more good leads!"
ID: 1605
Men / Women
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew," I thought, "got away with that one!"
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
ID: 1971
Men / Women
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.
Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)
10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.
ID: 2457
Men / Women
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
ID: 2664
Men / Women
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later, she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney; and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
With one eye opened she said "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
ID: 2377
Men / Women
A small boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
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