ID: 16445
Men / Women
At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.
The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?"
The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband.
He said, "Yeah, she's probably right!"
ID: 14452
Men / Women
Man: Why do you have a steering wheel in your crotch?
Other Man: My wife was driving me nuts
ID: 14710
Men / Women
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
ID: 13857
Men / Women
Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons:
A man from Conneticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read "I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven o'clock on Channel 2."
A housewife filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband was having an affair. The woman became suspicious when every time the phone rang, her myna bird spouted things like "Divorce," "I love you" and "Be patient."
ID: 14002
Men / Women
One night at a bar a guy and a woman happen to meet. The woman confides, "I was recently divorced, I'm embarrassed to say, but it's because my husband said I was too kinky."
The guy gasps and says, "I am also recently divorced, and my wife complained I was too kinky."
The woman says, "Look, we're both adults and I think we both know why we came here to this bar, let's just cut to it. I don't live too far away, let's go back to my apartment and get kinky."
The guy quickly agrees and off to the apartment they go. Upon arriving at the apartment the woman says, "I want to go to the bedroom and get into something special, I won't be long." She goes to the bedroom and begins undressing, slowly she slips into a leather bra and corset. Then she reaches under the bed for a riding crop. From the nightstand she grabs two bottles of lotion and some fluffy hand-cuffs. When she opens the door she notices the guy is grabbing his coat and leaving.
"Where are you going? I thought we were about to get kinky." She asks.
"Look lady, I already f***ed your dog and s**t in your purse, I?m outta here."
ID: 14662
Men / Women
Two guys are sitting in a bar. The one says to the other, "Are you going to the Johnsons' tonight?"
The other says, "Dunno, I don't feel like it, but my wife wants to."
"Yeah, me too, I don't feel like it, but my wife insists."
Both of them sigh deeply, look at each other and say:
"All right then. See you at the Johnsons'!"
ID: 14998
Men / Women
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - she is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
ID: 14940
Men / Women
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green.
But when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time the cheap bastard will buy me a diamond!
ID: 15405
Men / Women
A young priest has just left the seminary and been sent to his first parish to work alongside an old experienced priest Father Brown.
When he arrives the old priest welcomes him with open arms, explaining that he has been working alone and hasn't had a day off in years. He asks the new priest to take confesson so that he can have a break.
The young priest is very nervous as he hasn't done it for real before.
The old priest explains that it's easy as he has produced a tariff, and he gives him the list:
Telling lies - one Hail Mary;
Stealing - one Our Father;
etc;
etc.
So the young priest goes into the confessional and everything seems to be going okay.
"Father, I have told a lie," - one Hail Mary
"Father, I have stolen," - one Our Father
The next sinner is a bit of a problem:
"Father, I have performed oral sex."
He looks down the list and it's not included.
In panic he opens the door and is relieved to see the housekeeper doing a bit of dusting on the other side of the church.
"Mrs Doyle," he shouts, "do you know what Father Brown gives for oral sex?"
"Two pounds, if I take my teeth out" she shouts back.
+10,000 Jokes