ID: 14489
Men / Women
One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones.
ID: 9475
Men / Women
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
ID: 11422
Men / Women
A ninety-year-old couple was going to bed, and the old lady was feeling romantic. She said to her husband, "I remember, when we were younger, how you used to hold my hand at night." Grumbling under his breath, her husband reached over and held her hand. Shortly after, she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you kissed me every night before we went to sleep." Really getting ticked off, the husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, the man threw the covers off of himself and stormed out of the room Surprised, the woman called after him asking what he is doing. "Going to get my teeth!" he replied.
ID: 11868
Men / Women
Holiday Banana Bread:
Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana
Instructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased - check with middle finger.
4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief. When banana is soft, bread is done!
6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl." NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.
ID: 10874
Men / Women
A man and a woman have a child, and they need a crib, so they go to a crib factory store. This family is really poor, and they can only find cribs for $300. Then they find a crib for $20. They go up to the cashier and ask why. The cashier says its because it is cursed. The man and woman ask how it is cursed. The cashier replies, "After the 1st week of owning the crib, the mother of the child will die. After the 2nd week of owning the crib the child will die. And after the 3rd week the father of the child will die.(remember that last sentance)
The man and woman decide they don't believe the cashier, so they buy the crib anyway. A week goes by, and the woman dies. The man weeps. Another week goes by, and the child dies. The man weeps even more. Another week goes by, and the man trips over the dead mailman in front of his house.
ID: 8411
Men / Women
Why don't vegetarian women scream during orgasms?
They refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them pleasure!
ID: 11861
Men / Women
One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?"
The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him.
She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
ID: 11493
Men / Women
My wife is so house-proud, we live next door.
ID: 16165
Men / Women
DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY THREE
In the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR
Won $80 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY SIX
Today I saved 2,300 lives. Twice.
+10,000 Jokes