ID: 1417
Men / Women
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
ID: 747
Men / Women
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After few moments it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head, "No." "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head, "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs
his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the
obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
ID: 706
Men / Women
Man#1 is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly. The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file. There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Man#1 runs to catch up with Man#2 and his dog.
Man#1 asks Man#2 who's in the first hearse.
Man#2 replies, "My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a bit later."
Man#1 says, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who's in the second hearse?"
Man#2 says, "Not at all, it's my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital."
Man#1 replies, "Can I borrow your dog?"
Man#2, "Get in line."
ID: 5871
Men / Women
I have the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer.
I told her while I was indeed starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet.
She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket."
ID: 1273
Men / Women
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
Show up naked with food.
ID: 538
Men / Women
One day a man and a woman were driving and they get into a terrible collision with each other. Both cars are wrecked beyond recognition, but they both crawl out of the wreckage unhurt.
The woman says, "In a terrible accident...both of us are alive and, well, this must be a sign from God!"
The man agrees.
The woman says, "Well, we should celebrate our lives...here, let's drink to our celebration." She reaches into her wreckage of her car and pulls out a bottle of champagne which miraculously was not broken or even cracked. The man takes a huge gulp of the wine and passes it to the woman who politely waves it away.
The man says, "Don't you want any? It was your idea."
The woman says, "No thanks, I'll wait until the police get here."
ID: 7499
Men / Women
Think of the beat of the song walking in a winter wonderland while you are reading this...
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
ID: 4323
Men / Women
One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the bachelor. "But I couldn't do anything with it."
"Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked his friend.
"You said it." The first guy replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean plate....'"
ID: 863
Men / Women
Men's Rules for Women
---------------------------
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3) Saturday = sports.
4) Crying is blackmail.
5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
9) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
10) Check your oil.
11) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
12) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.
13) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
14) Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, it's genetic.
15) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
17) ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
18) We are not mind readers and we never will be.
19) If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will believe you.
20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
21) You have enough clothes.
22) You have too many shoes.
23) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
24) BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
25) Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that - it's like camping.
+10,000 Jokes