ID: 1345
Men / Women
A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law!
"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
"Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director."
ID: 15890
Men / Women
This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in [brackets] for clarity.
Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506
Injuries: 2 Fatal.
The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]
The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:
The pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and co-pilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure. [The lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, over-stressing the wing and leading to a crash.]
ID: 7899
Men / Women
The mood of a woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The moods of a man!
Hungry!
Horny!
Sleepy!
ID: 12522
Men / Women
A male teen walks up to his uncle.
"Where's Aunt Rhodie?" said the teen.
"In the living room," said his uncle.
The teen walks to the door.
"I wouldnt go in there if I were you," said the uncle, "they're talking about female things."
The male teen walks in anyway -
(a moment in the hall passes) -
the teen comes out all grossed out.
"What's wrong?" said the uncle.
"I thought you meant SHOES!" said the teen.
ID: 7572
Men / Women
If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say:
"Come on back and take yo space,
'cuz if you break my heart again,
I'll break yo face".
ID: 11674
Men / Women
"I say! Look here!" said an angry member of the grouse-shooting party. "You nearly shot my wife!"
"I'm terribly sorry," replied the offender, "shall I try again?"
ID: 12396
Men / Women
Three guys, who had all died around the same time at about the same place, were waiting to take their place in Heaven. They were told by the angel that there was room for only one of them in Heaven. Their fate would be determined by the way each of them had died, so the angel went to each man and asked how they had died.
The first guy, when approached, said:
"Well, I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building and I came home early from work because I suspected that my wife had been cheating on me, and I wanted to give the other man a piece of my mind. However, when I got home there was no one in the apartment aside from my wife, but my intuition told me otherwise, so I searched the apartment. When I came to my balcony, ready the commit suicide, I saw a man hanging on, at that point I was so angry at him that I stepped on his hands hoping he'd fall off, but he remained firm. So I went back inside and got a hammer and hit his hands, but he still didn't fall off. In my frustration I went in the kitchen and got the refrigerator, flinging myself, the refrigerator, and him down 14 floors. And that is how I died."
The second guy said:
"I am a window washer and was cleaning the windows on the 17 story when my cart broke and I began falling. Luckily I was able to grab onto the 14th story balcony, when this guy comes. I was so relieved thinking I'd be rescued, when instead, he starts stepping on my hands, but I refused to fall and die so I put all my energy into staying on. Then the guy goes back inside and comes back with a hammer and starts hitting my hands again, but I refused to let go. Finally the guy goes back inside and flings himself and refrigerator on me. And that is how I died."
The third guy said:
"Well, I was in this lady's aparment and we were making out on the couch, and things were heating up until her husband comes home early. I quickly hid in the refrigerator, and that's all I remember."
Who do you think went to Heaven?
ID: 11187
Men / Women
Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Mamogram Breasts (_)(_)
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
ID: 10939
Men / Women
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
+10,000 Jokes