ID: 15523
Men / Women
A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.
His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
So what say the friends, flip her over.
"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
"Halitosis" the man says.
"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
ID: 14616
Men / Women
A man into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints; the guy has a 18 inch cock.
She says, "Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,
but you're not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants, picks up his $50, and says, "Screw that, I can do that myself!"
ID: 17912
Men / Women
Dick Hurtz (Yeah, we heard ya.)
Dick Assman (I wish that last name was superhero name.)
Teola doing the Hula to Hawaii (The New Zealand girl who had that name got rid of it in court.)
Rusty Kuntz (Ouch.)
A. Fucks (Sorry forgot the first name.) (A Brazilian soccer player's name.)
ID: 16964
Men / Women
Are you sick of those stains on your carpet, the mess in the bathroom and kitchen? Are you worried that you will have to spend tons of money just to clean up what your loved one leaves behind? Now, you don't have to worry because you can have your very own..........................
new personalized husband!
The following is a list of the commands this product will perform:
1.It will clean up after itself.
2.It will stay out of your way.
3.It will keep the toilet seat down.
4.It will not talk back.
5.Worried about your kids? This baby can take care of anything!
Does this sound too good to be true? We forgot to mention...
It has an on/off switch!
Note: This product sold for a limited time only. Batteries not included.
ID: 17223
Men / Women
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
ID: 15994
Men / Women
I. Why does a man wants to have a WIFE?
Because: W = Washing I = Ironing F = Food E = Entertainment.
Why does a woman wants to have a HUSBAND?
Because: H = Housing U = Understanding S = Sharing B = Buying A = and N = Never D = Demanding.
II. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring Beer.
III. How To Impress A Man:
Trust him, cook at least 3 meals a day, go shopping often, don't ask him for the money, smile when you are mad, give him your paychecks, talk softly, don't ask where he is on Friday/Saturday/Sunday, love him, always say 'Yes dear', believe in his gambling, iron his clothes, polish his shoes, clean the house, know many recipes, pretend you enjoy beer/wine, be independent, wear Victoria's Secret clothes
How To Impress A Women
Make money & give her the money!
IV. Women's English...
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead!
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
ID: 16891
Men / Women
A lady goes to a menswear shop to buy clothes for her husband. When she finds the clothes she likes she goes up to the counter and says, "I would like to buy these please." The man at the counter says, "Certainly, but you must sign this form." The lady says "Why?" but the man ignores her. The form reads as follows:
Title: _____ Full Name: _______________________
She fills it in like this:
Title: Ms Full Name: Jenny Hollows
The man at the counter asks, "What does the 'Ms' mean? Does it mean you are divorced?" and the woman responds with, "It is non specific. It is none of your business if I am divorced or not!" The man says "Wow! Men should get one like that!"
ID: 17346
Men / Women
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
ID: 17070
Men / Women
Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process.
+10,000 Jokes