ID: 15011
Men / Women
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They were sitting down on a bench to rest when they heard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."
ID: 4944
Men / Women
Strategic responses to the ever-dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:
"No, not to Stevie Wonder."
"No babe, you're not fat, you're fluffy."
"Does this tie make me look stupid?"
"No hablo ingles."
"If I answer that question, my life will be in danger."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
"May I consult a lawyer before answering that?"
"Look at your belt size honey, if it says 'equator' on the tag you know the answer."
ID: 2098
Men / Women
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
ID: 1227
Men / Women
A man and his wife are in bed getting hot and heavy when the wife just pushes him away and says, "No, actually I don't feel like sex tonight. Could you just hold me?"
The man very mad says, "What?! Why the hell can't we have sex??"
The woman replies, "This is so typical, you have no idea what it's like to be a women! You just don't understand me!" And she turns over and goes to sleep.
The next day the man tells his wife he is so sorry and to make up for his mistakes they are going to the mall.
So the man takes her to the clothing department of a very expensive store and has her try on outfits. She can't decide which one she likes, so the man tells her to take them all. She jumps up and down and hugs him. Then they go over to the jewelry department, The woman sees a nice pair of diamond earrings but the husband says the price isn't right. It's too low, so he gives her a tennis bracelet worth twice the amount of the earrings.
Thinking she's had enough of shopping the man goes to the till.
The man goes up to the cashier and gives her all the items, and says, "We've changed our minds. Could you put these back for us?"
The woman has a stunned look on her face and asks her husband what the hell he's talking about.
The man replies, "You thought I was gonna buy all this?? That's so typical, you don't know what it's like to have to work for money that you spend. I just wanted you to HOLD them for awhile."
ID: 3318
Men / Women
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
ID: 3806
Men / Women
Men are like ..... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ..... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ..... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ...Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ...They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like .. Parking Spots ...All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
ID: 1272
Men / Women
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
ID: 1283
Men / Women
After a party, one man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 o'clock in the morning?" the officer asked.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.
"And who would be giving this lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," the guy replied.
ID: 2858
Men / Women
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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