ID: 6797
Men / Women
One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan.
When he woke he asked, "What the hell was that for?!?"
"I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!?" she asks.
"Aww honey, that's the name of the horse I was bettin' on last week!"
"Oh I'm so sorry honey!"
Three weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, "What the hell did I do this time?!?"
"Your horse called," she replied.
ID: 17834
Men / Women
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help.
When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
John's reply...
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check all rounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John
ID: 15131
Men / Women
One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
However, things were different the following year.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
ID: 15819
Men / Women
One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, "It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right."
ID: 15180
Men / Women
A radical feminist gets on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
"Here we go again," she thinks to herself. "Yet another man attempting to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A minute passes and the man tries to get up again. She's insulted again and refuses to allow him to get up.
This happens several times over the next few minutes.
Finally, the man pleads, "Lady, please, you have to let me get up. I'm already a couple of miles past my stop!"
ID: 15125
Men / Women
A cowboy entered a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
"Young lady," the cowboy said, "you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
"I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that at all," she replied.
"No problem," the cowboy said, "just tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
"You tell him," she said. "He's the one shaving you."
ID: 14002
Men / Women
One night at a bar a guy and a woman happen to meet. The woman confides, "I was recently divorced, I'm embarrassed to say, but it's because my husband said I was too kinky."
The guy gasps and says, "I am also recently divorced, and my wife complained I was too kinky."
The woman says, "Look, we're both adults and I think we both know why we came here to this bar, let's just cut to it. I don't live too far away, let's go back to my apartment and get kinky."
The guy quickly agrees and off to the apartment they go. Upon arriving at the apartment the woman says, "I want to go to the bedroom and get into something special, I won't be long." She goes to the bedroom and begins undressing, slowly she slips into a leather bra and corset. Then she reaches under the bed for a riding crop. From the nightstand she grabs two bottles of lotion and some fluffy hand-cuffs. When she opens the door she notices the guy is grabbing his coat and leaving.
"Where are you going? I thought we were about to get kinky." She asks.
"Look lady, I already f***ed your dog and s**t in your purse, I?m outta here."
ID: 14622
Men / Women
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
Pete: "I'm going back to go get her."
ID: 14998
Men / Women
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - she is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
+10,000 Jokes