ID: 863
Men / Women
Men's Rules for Women
---------------------------
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3) Saturday = sports.
4) Crying is blackmail.
5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
9) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
10) Check your oil.
11) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
12) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.
13) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
14) Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, it's genetic.
15) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
17) ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
18) We are not mind readers and we never will be.
19) If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will believe you.
20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
21) You have enough clothes.
22) You have too many shoes.
23) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
24) BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
25) Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that - it's like camping.
ID: 3223
Men / Women
One day Bob (a boy) went to Sally (a beautiful girl). Bob told her, "Sal, Jack (a boy) wants you."
She replied, "I know."
They stand in silence for a while.
Bob finally said, "I mean he needs your help."
"Oh."
ID: 4566
Men / Women
A woman, who had just been married to a gambling man, had learned upon marrying him that he always came home well after midnight.
She didn't like this one bit, and no amount of reasoning with him would make him miss a night out with the guys, so every night for a week she would stay up till he came home, and when she heard him enter the house she would call out:
"Is that you, Ben?"
She did this for a week, and then he started coming home promptly at 7:00 every night. Why, you might ask?
His name was Jacob.
ID: 4356
Men / Women
A man and his wife were having some problems and giving each other the silent treatment. The man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him the next morning at 5:00 a.m, for an early flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up."
ID: 4277
Men / Women
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder, man, Crisco's shortening!"
ID: 3654
Men / Women
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
ID: 16355
Men / Women
What do you call an intelligent, good looking and sensitive man?
A rumour
ID: 3670
Men / Women
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
ID: 10874
Men / Women
A man and a woman have a child, and they need a crib, so they go to a crib factory store. This family is really poor, and they can only find cribs for $300. Then they find a crib for $20. They go up to the cashier and ask why. The cashier says its because it is cursed. The man and woman ask how it is cursed. The cashier replies, "After the 1st week of owning the crib, the mother of the child will die. After the 2nd week of owning the crib the child will die. And after the 3rd week the father of the child will die.(remember that last sentance)
The man and woman decide they don't believe the cashier, so they buy the crib anyway. A week goes by, and the woman dies. The man weeps. Another week goes by, and the child dies. The man weeps even more. Another week goes by, and the man trips over the dead mailman in front of his house.
+10,000 Jokes