ID: 11034
Men / Women
A man asked a woman,"Will you marry me?"
The woman replied,"No."
They both lived happily ever after!
ID: 2562
Men / Women
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
ID: 3671
Men / Women
A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.
He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
ID: 1240
Men / Women
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.
He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"
ID: 419
Men / Women
More male phrases explained:
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means.. "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you."
Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we're out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
ID: 1093
Men / Women
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back
ID: 863
Men / Women
Men's Rules for Women
---------------------------
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3) Saturday = sports.
4) Crying is blackmail.
5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
9) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
10) Check your oil.
11) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
12) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.
13) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
14) Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, it's genetic.
15) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
17) ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
18) We are not mind readers and we never will be.
19) If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will believe you.
20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
21) You have enough clothes.
22) You have too many shoes.
23) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
24) BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
25) Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that - it's like camping.
ID: 878
Men / Women
A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered
"It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!"
ID: 15890
Men / Women
This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in [brackets] for clarity.
Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506
Injuries: 2 Fatal.
The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]
The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:
The pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and co-pilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure. [The lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, over-stressing the wing and leading to a crash.]
+10,000 Jokes