ID: 3225
Men / Women
Girls are in the shower for at least an hour.
Incredibly guys can take a shower in 5 minutes.
Very beautiful girls are seldom intelligent.
Even blond guys have some brains.
Married women marry hoping their guy will change.
Every man marries hoping their wife wont change.
Pretty girls can usually get what they want.
Unlike good looking guys who still have to suffer.
Some girls are actually great relationship material.
Some guys cant find those girls.
ID: 11673
Men / Women
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"
ID: 13286
Men / Women
CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN:
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets.
3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight.
4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago.
5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll.
9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
10. You've forgotten where you live.
11. You start to sound like Tina Turner from the cigarettes you've smoked. Oh, and as you have mentioned 10 TIMES by now, you only smoke when you drink.
12. You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the Vodka.
13. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza..
14. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
17. You no longer smell of Chanel No.5 and instead reek of a pot-pourri of vomit and Heineken.
18. You're out-burping the lads.
19. You just HAVE to tell your friends that you love them so much, just one more time.
20. You're at a table of strangers, flashing your tits, and you don't remember how you got there.
21. You're so tired so you just sit on the floor.
22. You smile to yourself like a some lunatic off the happy bus, unable to speak and have pint of soda water in your left hand and a bottle of bud in the right. Oh - and you have lost your keys, phone, money and bank cards
ID: 11663
Men / Women
Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?
Husband: Darling, of course I do...
ID: 14488
Men / Women
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
HIM "OK, darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
HER "Well, the air bag works."
ID: 15173
Men / Women
This is an actual chatroom conversation from a "local Chatroom"
Joe: I wonder what would happen if you had a sleep number bed, and set it to 69?
Christy: ? huh?
Mike: I dont know, but it sure sounds tasty!
Joe: You probably wouldn't understand Christy, you're too pure and innocent.
Christy: Maybe... sounds more like a police code or something
Mike: lol, ya, that's it. "This is the dispatcher, what is your status"
Joe: lol "We have a 69 in progress at the overpass, Officer needs assistance"
Mike: "Move in! Move in! Officer has gone down, repeat, Officer has gone down!
Joe: "Someone better call the fire department, looks like we'll need the Jaws of Life for this one!"
Christy: um.. why do i get the feeling i've started something horrible? o.O
ID: 16077
Men / Women
If a couple in Arkansas get married, move to Washington, then move back to Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?
ID: 15298
Men / Women
A woman and her lover are in bed, when there's a knock on the door.
She says, "It must be my husband! Ok, I'll handle this."
She grabs the trash bin, opens the door and, smiling sweetly, says to her husband, "Darling, please empty the trash."
While he is out, the other man escapes and walks back home.
He thinks, "She is sooo smart, unlike my wife."
He comes up to his door and knocks, his wife opens the door, and hands him the trash bin, saying, "Darling, please empty the trash bin."
He carries the basket, thinking, "What a stupid bitch! The whole damn day at home, and can't find some time to empty the trash!"
ID: 12396
Men / Women
Three guys, who had all died around the same time at about the same place, were waiting to take their place in Heaven. They were told by the angel that there was room for only one of them in Heaven. Their fate would be determined by the way each of them had died, so the angel went to each man and asked how they had died.
The first guy, when approached, said:
"Well, I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building and I came home early from work because I suspected that my wife had been cheating on me, and I wanted to give the other man a piece of my mind. However, when I got home there was no one in the apartment aside from my wife, but my intuition told me otherwise, so I searched the apartment. When I came to my balcony, ready the commit suicide, I saw a man hanging on, at that point I was so angry at him that I stepped on his hands hoping he'd fall off, but he remained firm. So I went back inside and got a hammer and hit his hands, but he still didn't fall off. In my frustration I went in the kitchen and got the refrigerator, flinging myself, the refrigerator, and him down 14 floors. And that is how I died."
The second guy said:
"I am a window washer and was cleaning the windows on the 17 story when my cart broke and I began falling. Luckily I was able to grab onto the 14th story balcony, when this guy comes. I was so relieved thinking I'd be rescued, when instead, he starts stepping on my hands, but I refused to fall and die so I put all my energy into staying on. Then the guy goes back inside and comes back with a hammer and starts hitting my hands again, but I refused to let go. Finally the guy goes back inside and flings himself and refrigerator on me. And that is how I died."
The third guy said:
"Well, I was in this lady's aparment and we were making out on the couch, and things were heating up until her husband comes home early. I quickly hid in the refrigerator, and that's all I remember."
Who do you think went to Heaven?
+10,000 Jokes