ID: 5206
Men / Women
There was a couple. One day the husband went to work, as usual. All of a sudden a man in a truck appeared at the front door. The husband, frightened, hid behind a tree. The man exchanged a few words with the wife and left. The husband decided to get rid of that man once and for all.
The next day, the husband went to work. But this time, he carried a shotgun with him. The man in the truck came again, the husband shot the man. Then the wife came out and cried," You idiot! That man was filling in for my boyfriend!"
ID: 17967
Men / Women
Honest to God true story.
Wife (yelling from upstairs): Honey, I'm naked and the dog is loose in the front yard!
Husband (downstairs): Hold on, I'll be right up!
She didn't appreciate the humor.
ID: 1416
Men / Women
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
ID: 1246
Men / Women
An oil company was drilling test pits on the West coast of Newfoundland and never found anything so instead of filling the hole up they got a clever idea to cover the hole with an outhouse.
So a week after, a Newfoundlander came across it in the woods and decided to use it. The next day another fella came and found him dead on the toilet.
The police open an investigation to try and find out what happened to him. They asked his wife if there was anything wrong with him or if he was acting strange that day. His wife replied, " My husband was in perfect shape, the only thing strange about him is that he holds his breath until he hears a splash."
ID: 20
Men / Women
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
ID: 853
Men / Women
Penguins mate for life.
This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
ID: 1151
Men / Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
ID: 1265
Men / Women
A man is flying on a very expensive airline in first class when the sudden urge to relieve himself overwhelms him.
He runs to the bathroom to find its occupied. He bangs and bangs on the door but no one comes out. The flight attendant notices the man is in distress so she tries to help him. She takes him to a bathroom exclusively for the supermodels who frequently fly on this airline. She lets him use it very quickly but warns him to not, under any circumstance, press any of the 3 buttons next to the toilet.
The man gets into the bathroom and automatically sees the buttons. They're labeled WW, WA, and ATR.
The man sits down on the toilet and immediately relieves himself. While sitting down he cant help but wonder about the buttons. He pushes the first one slowly, and all of a sudden warm water comes at his butt and washes it thoroughly. He thinks that the supermodels must really have it made.
He then pushes the second button. He hears a slight hissing noise then feels warm air gently drying his butt. Wowee, this is the life. Supermodels sure are lucky thinks the man.
Then he decides what the hell, might as well try the last button.
The next thing the man knows he is lying in the hospital in extreme pain. The flight attendant is leaning over the man telling him to relax.
"What happened?" asks the man.
The flight attendant turns around and picks up a jar filled with water with a carrot or something floating in it. Then says, "I told you not to push that button. ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover."
ID: 4222
Men / Women
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
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