ID: 14967
Men / Women
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The Trip to the Hospital
First child: Every time we felt the slightest B & H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.
Second child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
ID: 16942
Men / Women
A man walks into a modern art museum, he sees a piece of art, and says, "Look how ugly that is, the nose is all out of shape, and look at those arms, so small and weak, I bet the person who created this is a wimp!"
A security guard nearby says, "Sir, that's a mirror."
ID: 15012
Men / Women
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."
ID: 14815
Men / Women
One day a pretty lady was driving through the desert and her car broke down. In the distance, she sees an indian riding a horse. He rides over to her and offers her a lift to the nearest gas station and she happily accepts. On the way to the gas station, the indian would let out a, "Woo Hoo, Yipee!" every few seconds. The lady just figured that he was being an Indian and ignored it.
When they finally got to the gas station and the Indian had left, the guy that worked at the gas station asked, "What was his problem?" The lady responded, "I don't know, I was just holding onto his saddle horn."
The guy replied, "Lady, Indians don't use saddles!"
ID: 17922
Men / Women
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I've never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!!
What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear . . . "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big un-named department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you . . . she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either . . . but at least that girl knows I'm smarter than her.
ID: 16948
Men / Women
Two old pilot friends in the Air Force were talking about the day's activities:
Jenkins (first pilot): Did you hear? Captain Smith jumped out of a B-1 bomber, without a parachute, and he wasn't hurt!
Randy (Second Pilot): That's impossible! The fall would have killed him!
Jenkins (shakes his head): The bomber hadn't taken off yet.
ID: 17180
Men / Women
Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!
ID: 17070
Men / Women
Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process.
ID: 16276
Men / Women
One day, early in the morning, a naked man was lying on a beach reading the newspaper. He saw a little girl skipping towards him. Quickly he covered himself with the newspaper just as the little girl spotted him. She comes by him and says,"Good morning, What's under the newspaper?" The man replied,"A birdie!" The little girl started dancing and said,"Can I see it." The man Quickly snaps,"NO! It's sleeping." The little girl skips away ad the man falls asleep. After a few hours he wakes up and notices he's in the hospital. He calls over the doctor and asks why he was in the hospital. The doctor replies,"Ask that little girl." The little girl shyly goes over and says,"I was playing with the birdie, it spit on me, so i broke its neck, cracked its eggs and sets it nest on fire."
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