ID: 1152
Men / Women
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
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Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support.
ID: 5045
Men / Women
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud - $3.00
Two Aspirins - $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time........Priceless.
ID: 16272
Men / Women
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes, ma'am, I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am," replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
ID: 9616
Men / Women
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
ID: 10356
Men / Women
You take me out way too much!!!
Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?
You looked stressed out, let me give you a massage.
Go out with your friends tonight, you deserve it.
That Pamala Anderson has a lovely body.
No, no you buy me too much already.
A fake diamond will do.
My mother is a real old wench.
What headache?
ID: 9475
Men / Women
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
ID: 14415
Men / Women
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why doesn't it matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis?
They're stuck in adolescence.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. The lady should already have it open on the table.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do some men name their penis?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.
ID: 14999
Men / Women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
ID: 14368
Men / Women
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
+10,000 Jokes