ID: 15885
Men / Women
Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.
Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," he swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
ID: 3314
Men / Women
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch."
"But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
ID: 361
Men / Women
A guy receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the upper corner of the stadium; he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down he ask the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was suppose to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at, since we got married.
Well, "Thats really sad, but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?'
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
ID: 111
Men / Women
"Did ya hear I got married?"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She's rich."
"Oh, that's good!"
"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She was in it."
ID: 2566
Men / Women
1. Happy Anniversery!
2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!??
3.Do I look fat in this?
4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!?
5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends!
6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant.
7.Here's 100 dollars!
8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses.
9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight?
10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!
ID: 1872
Men / Women
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
ID: 853
Men / Women
Penguins mate for life.
This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
ID: 1414
Men / Women
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a l lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
ID: 14414
Men / Women
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.
What do toys and womens breasts have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.
What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
Monkeys and girls both are same.
They fight only for bananas. Boys and rats are same; they search only for holes.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
Why do women talk so much?
Because they have two sets of lips.
What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
Why is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do as she's told.
Why are wives like condoms?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.
Why do women love orgasms?
Because it gives them another reason to moan.
What is a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How are women like parking spaces?
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
What do girls and camels have in common?
They both have camel toes.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
Why is our salary like a women's period?
It comes once in a month,lasts only for four or five days and if any month it does not come it means your fucked.
Women are like orange juice cartons.
It's not the shape or size or even how sweet the juice is; its getting those damn flaps open.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
What does the woman who just got out of an abusive relationship do?
It better be the damn dishes!
+10,000 Jokes