ID: 9662
Men / Women
1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have...
2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you...
3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later...
4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation?
5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies...
6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway...
7. Gobble the last slice of pizza without having to go through the 'No you have it, no really... Are you sure you don't mind...?
8. Walk about the house naked, without having to hold any bits in...
9. Have friends of the opposite sex. After marriage, it's too much effort to keep saying: "No, I really don't fancy them"...
10. Men: Enjoy that wardrobe space while you can! You will not believe the vast number of shoes that one woman needs...
11. Women: Fill in silly magazine quizzes with titles like 'Are You Seductive', without having to listen to loud laughter from your partner (who then runs off with the magazine)...
12. Men: Get rid of anything inflatable and female-shaped...
13. Relish clipping your toenails straight onto the carpet...
14. Remember that your best option with in-laws is to marry an orphan...
ID: 2311
Men / Women
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.
"What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman.
The officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?"
To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".
ID: 2711
Men / Women
A young 6-month pregnant lady boarded a bus and took a seat. She noticed a young man smiling at her and got humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.'
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.'
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"
He won the case.
ID: 1654
Men / Women
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."
ID: 418
Men / Women
The true meanings of some common male phrases:
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty and thankless."
ID: 460
Men / Women
What is the difference between men and
government bonds?
The bonds mature. Eventually.
ID: 4945
Men / Women
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
ID: 1423
Men / Women
The ten things a guy knows about a girl:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
ID: 4323
Men / Women
One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the bachelor. "But I couldn't do anything with it."
"Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked his friend.
"You said it." The first guy replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean plate....'"
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