ID: 7254
Men / Women
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck.
She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me!"
He did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
ID: 11504
Men / Women
GOSSIP: something that no one claims to like but everyone enjoys.
KISS:
To a geographer: The shortest distance between two curves!
To a physicist: The contradiction of mouth due to expansion of heart.
To an accountant: A credit because it is profitable when returned.
OBESITY: A surplus gone to waist.
OLD AGE: When you wink at a woman and she says, "Anything wrong with your eye, Uncle?"
RAINCOAT: Thunder wear!
WRITER'S CRAMP: Authoritis!
HEMOPHILLIA: A disease of blood with affinity (philia) to "he" (male) only.
ID: 7757
Men / Women
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
ID: 9721
Men / Women
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
ID: 7825
Men / Women
A gay couple (of guys) and a lesbian couple decide to leave from New York to Miami at the same time. The two couples are neighbors and they plan on driving the same route. so the question is who gets to Miami first?
Why the lesbians of course!
They go lickety split while the guys are still at home packin'.
ID: 13709
Men / Women
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home wearing only a flimsy negligee.
As she walked, she would flip up her nightgown at people and say, "Supersex!!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
ID: 10936
Men / Women
Once I asked a guy, " Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?"
ID: 13832
Men / Women
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."
ID: 12131
Men / Women
US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
+10,000 Jokes