ID: 3892
Men / Women
Two sisters are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st sister: "I froze to death."
2nd sister: "How horrible!"
1st sister: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd sister: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."
1st Sister: "So what happened? Tell me."
2nd sister: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
1st sister: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-- we'd both still be alive."
ID: 2193
Men / Women
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey,do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night."
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies,
"Mission Accomplished."
ID: 13527
Men / Women
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!
ID: 9643
Men / Women
A man's life is difficult to understand,
when born he struggles to get out of the
vagina and then tries the rest of his life
to get in!!!
ID: 9644
Men / Women
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
ID: 16883
Men / Women
You perverts..
ID: 9476
Men / Women
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," exclaims the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
ID: 8651
Men / Women
Here's how a man evolves directly following marriage.
The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why do you think I proposed?
Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
After 6 months: BACK!!
After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?
Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
After 6 months: Here, for you
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!
Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: AGAIN!
New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie
After 6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself
ID: 15180
Men / Women
A radical feminist gets on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
"Here we go again," she thinks to herself. "Yet another man attempting to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A minute passes and the man tries to get up again. She's insulted again and refuses to allow him to get up.
This happens several times over the next few minutes.
Finally, the man pleads, "Lady, please, you have to let me get up. I'm already a couple of miles past my stop!"
+10,000 Jokes