ID: 2356
Men / Women
A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
ID: 14616
Men / Women
A man into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints; the guy has a 18 inch cock.
She says, "Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,
but you're not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants, picks up his $50, and says, "Screw that, I can do that myself!"
ID: 3834
Men / Women
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
ID: 4508
Men / Women
Bob, an extremely wealthy 60-year-old, arrives at a country club with a beautiful and charming 25-year-old blonde.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob exclaims, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are shocked, but continue to ask, "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob replies, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 40?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
ID: 3919
Men / Women
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Cindy, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Cindy agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Cindy's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
ID: 16891
Men / Women
A lady goes to a menswear shop to buy clothes for her husband. When she finds the clothes she likes she goes up to the counter and says, "I would like to buy these please." The man at the counter says, "Certainly, but you must sign this form." The lady says "Why?" but the man ignores her. The form reads as follows:
Title: _____ Full Name: _______________________
She fills it in like this:
Title: Ms Full Name: Jenny Hollows
The man at the counter asks, "What does the 'Ms' mean? Does it mean you are divorced?" and the woman responds with, "It is non specific. It is none of your business if I am divorced or not!" The man says "Wow! Men should get one like that!"
ID: 14902
Men / Women
CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."
ID: 6565
Men / Women
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time - we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
ID: 14428
Men / Women
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
-What do you mean today's our anniversary?
-I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
-Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
-The new girl in my office is a stripper...I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
-Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
-I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
-I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
-That was a great fart! Do another one!
-God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
-I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
-Can we not talk to each other tonight?
-I'd rather just watch TV.
-It's way tooo biggg, that'll never fit in my tight.....
-Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
-I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
-And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
-Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
-Dammit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
-Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I'm not here.
-That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
-Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie
-I'm tired of cuddling. !
-You're so sexy when you're hungover.
-I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
-No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
-Your mother is way better than mine.
-I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
-Hey you, pull my finger!
-Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
-I think hairy butts are really sexy.
-Let's subscribe to PLAYBOY!
-I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
-Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
-I'm wrong. You must be right again.
+10,000 Jokes