ID: 6289
Men / Women
Women are like beer. They look good, smell good, taste good, and feel good. But after a while you gotta have another beer!
ID: 1620
Men / Women
There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said, ''I know, isn't that the speed limit?" The officer said, ''No, this is Interstate 22''. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains, ''No, we just left Interstate 119."
ID: 1257
Men / Women
Prelim explanation:
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over$32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
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Finally the funny part:
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!
ID: 529
Men / Women
"You don't have anything in your head except soccer," said a wife to her husband. "I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!"
"Of course I haven't forgotten," replied the husband. "That was the day England beat Italy 2-1."
ID: 10546
Men / Women
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS!
ID: 2057
Men / Women
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
ID: 10899
Men / Women
A man is running out of his large office building when his boss spots him and asks him what he is doing.
The man replies, "My wife called me and she says she is going to jump out our window and commit suicide."
The boss realizes that this is a good excuse, but says, "Well, by the time you get home, won't it be too late?"
The man says, "Nah, I'm just going to open the window for her."
ID: 1414
Men / Women
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a l lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
ID: 480
Men / Women
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
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