ID: 14428
Men / Women
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
-What do you mean today's our anniversary?
-I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
-Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
-The new girl in my office is a stripper...I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
-Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
-I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
-I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
-That was a great fart! Do another one!
-God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
-I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
-Can we not talk to each other tonight?
-I'd rather just watch TV.
-It's way tooo biggg, that'll never fit in my tight.....
-Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
-I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
-And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
-Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
-Dammit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
-Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I'm not here.
-That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
-Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie
-I'm tired of cuddling. !
-You're so sexy when you're hungover.
-I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
-No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
-Your mother is way better than mine.
-I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
-Hey you, pull my finger!
-Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
-I think hairy butts are really sexy.
-Let's subscribe to PLAYBOY!
-I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
-Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
-I'm wrong. You must be right again.
ID: 1607
Men / Women
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
ID: 855
Men / Women
Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem." And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?"
"I know You created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely - and I'm sick of eating apples."
"Well, in that case," replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?"
"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals."
"Sounds great!" replied Eve.
"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
ID: 166
Men / Women
One Halloween, a boy dressed up as a cowboy. He went to a house, and an elderly lady opened the door. She said, "What might you be?" and the kid in front of the boy said, "I'm an Indian! All day, I hunt buffalo and make teepees and wigwams!" and the lady gave him some candy. Then the boy was up in line. The elderly lady said, "What might you be?" and he replied, "I'm a cowboy! All day, I round up cattle and take them to corrals!" The lady gave him some candy.
So he went to the next house, and a scorching hot teenage girl opened the door. She said, "What might you be?" and the girl in front of the boy said, "I'm a lesbian. All day I think of women, all afternoon I think of women, and all night I think of women." The teenage girl gave her some candy, and next the boy was up. The teenage girl said, "What might you be?" The boy looked her up and down, and said, "Well, I thought I was a cowboy!"
ID: 1395
Men / Women
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph, with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
ID: 1971
Men / Women
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.
Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)
10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.
ID: 1881
Men / Women
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
ID: 155
Men / Women
Adam was in the Garden of Eden and was very very lonely. So God decides to build him a friend and lover. He decides to call it a "Woman". So he sets out to work but realizes he'll need to borrow a few parts from Adam, so he goes to Adam and explains the situation. God says "I'll build the perfect companion, she'll cook, clean, take care of your every wish and need and will never nag or complain or be angry at you for no reason. It'll only cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam says "But I need my arm and leg... what can I get for just a rib?"
And the rest is history...
ID: 1366
Men / Women
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
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