ID: 3365
Men / Women
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah,
NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!
ID: 13018
Men / Women
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: (1)No mind (2)No business
ID: 2566
Men / Women
1. Happy Anniversery!
2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!??
3.Do I look fat in this?
4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!?
5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends!
6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant.
7.Here's 100 dollars!
8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses.
9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight?
10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!
ID: 3653
Men / Women
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
ID: 12167
Men / Women
After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
ID: 16274
Men / Women
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."
ID: 4383
Men / Women
Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no, in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.
ID: 3892
Men / Women
Two sisters are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st sister: "I froze to death."
2nd sister: "How horrible!"
1st sister: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd sister: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."
1st Sister: "So what happened? Tell me."
2nd sister: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
1st sister: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-- we'd both still be alive."
ID: 12757
Men / Women
After she was finished with Cinderella, the fairy godmother paid a visit on another poor young girl, Minuetta. Extremely flat-chested, the woman is convinced that her life would improve if only she had large breasts.
"All right," the fairy godmother said. "How about we fix it so that every time a man says 'pardon' to you, your breasts grow a bit."
Delighted with the arrangement, Minuetta goes to the market next day. Bumping into the woodcutter, she's delighted when he tips his hat, says, "I beg your pardon," and her breasts grow nearly an inch. Later, when a coachmean accidentally splashes mud on her, he stops and says, "Pardon me." Her breasts grow again.
Smiling radiantly when she reaches the market, she goes to the vegetable stand and asks the Arab merchant for some bread. While he's handing it to her, he accidentally knocks a tub of jam on her dress.
"Oh dear," he bows and scrapes, "a thousand pardons!"
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