ID: 11075
Men / Women
Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life?
Because like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide.
ID: 2356
Men / Women
A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.
1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
ID: 1617
Men / Women
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"
She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"
ID: 1965
Men / Women
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch, when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
ID: 1616
Men / Women
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
ID: 853
Men / Women
Penguins mate for life.
This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
ID: 1134
Men / Women
Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)
1. Combatting stupidity
2. You too can do housework
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us
money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life; learn to cook
10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling: Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You: The weaker sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake in public
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too
29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")
32. Changing your underwear: It really works
33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary
35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work
ID: 39
Men / Women
A man was sitting next to the Pope on a cross-country flight. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. He turned to the man and asked "Do you know a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?"
The man thought for a minute and said "Aunt."
"Oh yes, of course," the Pope replied. "Do you have an eraser?"
ID: 2712
Men / Women
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing lady. Conversation broke out and turned erotic. The lady proposed, "If each of you would give me $1, I would show you my legs." The men, charmed by her beauty, handed over the money. The lady pulled her dress up a little to show her legs.
She followed, "If each of you would give me $10, I would show you my thighs." Driven by lust, the men forked out the money and the lady pulled up her dress more to show her thighs.
The men, getting excited, pulled off their coats. The lady then said, "If each of you would give me $100, I would show you where I had my appendicitis operated on." The men, being men, naturally surrendered their money for more. The lady turned to the window and pointed at a hospital, "There!"
+10,000 Jokes