ID: 4396
Men / Women
A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously.
He says, "Single, huh?"
She replies coyly, "How did you guess?"
"Because," he says, "You're ugly."
ID: 1283
Men / Women
After a party, one man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 o'clock in the morning?" the officer asked.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.
"And who would be giving this lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," the guy replied.
ID: 1346
Men / Women
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Costume party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new action.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you . . . the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"
ID: 39
Men / Women
A man was sitting next to the Pope on a cross-country flight. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. He turned to the man and asked "Do you know a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?"
The man thought for a minute and said "Aunt."
"Oh yes, of course," the Pope replied. "Do you have an eraser?"
ID: 12718
Men / Women
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
She asks the boy, "What are they doing?" He says: "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She asked. "Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked. He says, "Those are his knots." She says, "Oh, ok, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were." Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?!" he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"
ID: 1109
Men / Women
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
ID: 9708
Men / Women
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
ID: 10607
Men / Women
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
ID: 16785
Men / Women
1st Stage (0-8)- You believe in Santa
2nd Stage (9-26)- You don't believe in Santa
3rd Stage (27-45)- You are Santa
4th Stage (46-80)- You look like Santa
+10,000 Jokes