ID: 13655
Men / Women
At the zoo a little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Her mom hurriedly explains, "Oh...they're just baking cakes."
The next morning the little girl says, "Mommy, Mommy, you and Daddy baked cakes last night!"
"Um, what makes you think that?" the mother asks nervously.
"Because this morning there was icing all over the couch."
ID: 3805
Men / Women
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway.
ID: 3449
Men / Women
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped
ID: 4321
Men / Women
Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the Army. You get a new haircut and new clothes, and all information is given to you on a need-to-know basis.
ID: 3881
Men / Women
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
ID: 3629
Men / Women
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
ID: 6117
Men / Women
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin, and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes, but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY?"
ID: 5342
Men / Women
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and POOF--the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and POOF -- the husband was 90.
ID: 3314
Men / Women
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch."
"But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
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