ID: 16165
Men / Women
DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY THREE
In the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR
Won $80 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY SIX
Today I saved 2,300 lives. Twice.
ID: 14579
Men / Women
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
ID: 14494
Men / Women
A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
ID: 14710
Men / Women
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
ID: 14973
Men / Women
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see if she can get your husband out of jail."
ID: 14616
Men / Women
A man into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints; the guy has a 18 inch cock.
She says, "Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,
but you're not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants, picks up his $50, and says, "Screw that, I can do that myself!"
ID: 13844
Men / Women
3 married women are sitting around chatting about their married life and eventually the subject of birth control comes up.
The 1st woman says, "Well, we use condoms and they seem to work ok; we only have 3 children after 20 years of marriage."
The 2nd woman speaks up. "We use the pill and it works really well; we only have 2 children after 20 years of marriage."
The 3rd woman finally speaks up and says, "Well, we don't go for any of that fancy stuff; we use the bucket and saucer method and we don't have any children after 15 years of marriage and we have sex just about every day."
The 2 other women are shocked that someone could be married for 15 years and not use any conventional birth control and not have children so they ask the 3rd woman what the bucket and saucer method is so they can try it.
The 3rd woman says, "Well, I am 6 feet tall and my husband is 5 foot 4, and every time we have sex we are standing up. Now, as he is so much shorter than me, he stands on a bucket while we are doing it and I look right into his eyes the whole time, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!"
ID: 13865
Men / Women
Signs of Aging
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
ID: 15149
Men / Women
An old Indian is standing on the corner, when an attractive young woman passes by. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"
The same thing happens several days in a row. The woman walks past and the old Indian raises his hand and says, "Chance!"
Finally, she can't ignore it any longer, so she stops and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"
The Indian nods.
She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."
The Indian replies, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."
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