ID: 14985
Men / Women
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am?" the officer asked.
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children," the woman replied.
"Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children."
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.
ID: 10202
Men / Women
What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?
Through her left breast.
ID: 8983
Men / Women
A man and his wife are in the bed watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
He turns to her and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. He replies, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes," she said. He then replies, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing he remembers. . . .
ID: 8785
Men / Women
There was once an extremely wealthy woman who had reached the age of "over 50" without ever having a boyfriend, let alone a date or sex. She determined to catch up with the rest of the world and set her lawyer & accountants to find her the perfect man to share her life & money.
Her requirements were: he must be handsome, intelligent, athletic and above all he must be a virgin.
The lawyer & accountants started a world-wide search to fulfill her request, and after almost a year found the perfect candidate in the wilds of Australia. He was everything their client wanted and had never even seen a woman.
After much convincing, the groom was put on a jet to meet the bride. It was love at first sight for the woman & the nuptials took place almost immediately.
The bride shyly removed to the bathroom after excusing herself to her new husband. When she returned to the bedroom a few minutes later, she found him naked in the center of the room with all the furniture pushed back against the walls.
When she inquired the groom stated: " I don't know squat about women, but if they're anything like kangaroos.....we're going to need all the room we can get."
ID: 12118
Men / Women
Adult Male
ID: 9475
Men / Women
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
ID: 12526
Men / Women
An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it:
"Woman without her man is nothing."
MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing.
WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
ID: 13522
Men / Women
Signs That Were Found In Peoples' Kitchens:
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
ID: 8116
Men / Women
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
And doesn't mind admitting when he's wrong,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call,
he won't wait two weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed
& opens my door & begs to do more
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say when I ask,
"How Big is My Behind!?!"
One who will kiss me till my body's twitchin',
In the hall, the shower, the garden and the kitchen.
I pray this man will love me no end, and never
attempts to date my best friend.
And, as I kneel and pray by my bed ...
I look at the Butt Head you sent me instead!
~ Amen ~
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