ID: 3314
Men / Women
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch."
"But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
ID: 2132
Men / Women
Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described the event to our friends.
US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well.
"After about ten minutes, it became really annoying.
"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was keeping us from going to sleep..."
FRIENDS: "And then?"
US: "And then after twenty straight minutes...Okay, after twenty minutes it was pretty damn impressive."
ID: 4396
Men / Women
A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously.
He says, "Single, huh?"
She replies coyly, "How did you guess?"
"Because," he says, "You're ugly."
ID: 111
Men / Women
"Did ya hear I got married?"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She's rich."
"Oh, that's good!"
"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She was in it."
ID: 10047
Men / Women
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
ID: 16896
Men / Women
At the end of a hard year's work, Bobby decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity - the ship sinks and Bobby ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts. Still, these are better than starving to death.
Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, "Hi."
He can't believe his luck. He replies, "Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here? What's your name?"
"Hold on," she says, "one question at a time. I landed on the other side of this island about 10 weeks ago when my cruise liner sank. I've just rowed here from the other side. Oh, and my name is Hannah."
"That's amazing, Hannah," he says. "My name is Bobby. You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies Hannah, "I made it myself out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars are made from pine tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But where did you get the tools from?" he asks.
"Oh, I made the tools myself," replies Hannah. "I found an unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock which I heated in my kiln. It melted into a soft iron-like material which I used to make the tools which in turn I used to make the boat."
Bobby is silent. He can't believe her skills. "If it's OK with you, why don't I now row you to my place?" she says.
Bobby just nods his acceptance.
It takes Hannah just ten minutes to row to her place. As they near the shore, Bobby is surprised to see a stone walkway leading up to a very smart sky blue bungalow. Hannah ties up her boat at a small jetty using a hand made flaxen rope, and they enter the bungalow.
"It's not really much," says Hannah, "but to me, Bobby, it's home. Please sit down and I'll get you a drink."
"No thanks," Bobby replies, "I just couldn't drink any more coconut juice."
"But you don't have to have coconut juice," says Hannah, "How about a Pina Colada? I've made a still." As they sit down on her hand made couch drinking their Pina Coladas, Bobby looks around and is amazed at what Hannah has achieved in such a short time. After a while, Hannah gets up and says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. While you're waiting, why don't you take a shower and then have a shave? You'll find a razor in the bathroom cabinet."
Bobby goes into the bathroom and runs his bath. It even has hot water from a kind of thermal heating device Hannah has rigged up. After his bath, he goes to the wooden cabinet and finds a razor made of shells roped together inside a swivel mechanism. While he's having an excellent shave, Bobby thinks, "Hannah is unbelievable, truly amazing - whatever will I discover next? She can do anything."
When he returns, Hannah greets him wearing only a few carefully placed vine leaves and smelling of honeysuckle - she looks utterly fantastic. Hanna beckons Bobby to sit next to her, which he does. Hannah smiles at Bobby in a seductive manner and slithers up closer to him.
"Bobby," she says, staring into his eyes, "we've both been out here for 10 weeks. Now you've found me, is there something you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all these weeks. You know..."
Bobby can't believe it. "You mean - I can check my e-mails from here?"
ID: 6565
Men / Women
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time - we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
ID: 13655
Men / Women
At the zoo a little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Her mom hurriedly explains, "Oh...they're just baking cakes."
The next morning the little girl says, "Mommy, Mommy, you and Daddy baked cakes last night!"
"Um, what makes you think that?" the mother asks nervously.
"Because this morning there was icing all over the couch."
ID: 742
Men / Women
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window
5. Hocks a loogie
6. Pulls up to a 7 -11
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer
15. Curses the night
16. Curses you
17. Curses the large slurpee
18. Stops by the side of the road
19. Takes a leak
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done
22. I think.
23. Returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.
+10,000 Jokes