ID: 13724
Men / Women
A woman was taking a shower when the doorbell rang, so she put on a towel and answered it. It's her neighbor Bob. Now, Bob has this huge crush on her, but she's already married.
Bob says to her, "If you drop your towel, I will give you $5,000." She is thinking that she could use the money, so she says yes, drops the towel, gets her money, and pulls her towel back up.
Her husband comes along and asks, "Who was that?" She replied that it was Bob. The man saw the money in her hand and said, "Finally, Bob repaid us that $5,000 he owed us!"
ID: 10797
Men / Women
A guy goes into a diner, and when the waitress comes over to take his order, he says, "I want eggs, toast, and coffee. But make the eggs uncooked, the toast burnt, and the coffee really strong and bad. And I want you to slam the food onto the table and yell at me."
The waitress says "Why would you want me to something like that?"
He replies, "I'm homesick."
ID: 15595
Men / Women
A man was walking along the beach when he saw bottle. Curious, he picked it up and was wiping the sand off it when out came a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
The man couldn't believe it. "First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof! The genie handed the man a piece of paper with his account information on it.
"Next, I want to be the smartest man in the world."
Poof! The man instantly became smart.
"Now, I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! The man was changed into a huge box of chocolates.
ID: 14278
Men / Women
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
"I am 78," said the man.
"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
ID: 14967
Men / Women
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The Trip to the Hospital
First child: Every time we felt the slightest B & H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.
Second child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
ID: 13893
Men / Women
What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed?
Let her drive.
ID: 15012
Men / Women
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."
ID: 13981
Men / Women
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown up daughter,
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law,
And changed my very life;
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me pride and joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he is my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown up daughter
Who, of course, was my step mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own GRANDPA!
ID: 14944
Men / Women
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
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