ID: 12979
Men / Women
What do you call two Chinese queers?
Two can chew!
ID: 6329
Men / Women
What Men Want
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Vitamin fortified cigars.
Public beer fountains.
Kitty catapults.
All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
Wet T-shirt Fridays.
Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
Rocket boots.
Machine gun camp.
NASA space shuttle races.
Sledgehammer boxing.
Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
Congressional pie fights.
Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Tomahawk missile surf boards.
Hot tub jury boxes.
Nacho cheese lipstick.
Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
Beef jerky business cards.
Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.
Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
Karaoke "ejector" stages.
Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
The Astronaut Reserves.
Porno without all the "talking" filler.
Head banging elevated to "fine art".
All money spent on women tax deductible!
Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
Passports to Margaritaville.
The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
ID: 1583
Men / Women
Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long?
A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.
ID: 1291
Men / Women
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.''
''My darling,'' he replied, ''think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''
ID: 3314
Men / Women
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch."
"But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
ID: 3805
Men / Women
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway.
ID: 192
Men / Women
A man and a woman are having an intimate dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the man quietly slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."
ID: 5798
Men / Women
One morning, during breakfast, I say, "I had the strangest dream. It was about aliens."
My mother asks, "What are aliens?"
My father asks, "What kind?"
ID: 3369
Men / Women
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book.
Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, " Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replied, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," said the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
+10,000 Jokes