ID: 9103
Men / Women
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
ID: 5860
Men / Women
It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain t he same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman.
My name is Doug .... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Ernestine.
When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Ernestine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...
And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...
Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...
Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know..... get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find t ime to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Ernestine. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
EDITOR'S NOTE: Doug died suddenly Thursday, January 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Ernestine was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it and she was released on Friday, January 4th.
ID: 3369
Men / Women
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book.
Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, " Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replied, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," said the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
ID: 3438
Men / Women
If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular?
ID: 3290
Men / Women
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Wilson noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in again, over and over.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
ID: 3629
Men / Women
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
ID: 1273
Men / Women
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HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
Show up naked with food.
ID: 3507
Men / Women
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
ID: 2373
Men / Women
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?"
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What do I look like, Betty Crocker?
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