ID: 5988
Men / Women
There was a tailor in a little village who was known to brutally attack and torture his wife by clobbering her head with a club and stab her with needles. The villagers decided that they should bring the tailor to justice, so they arrested him and took him to the village elders. The elders believed everyone should have a second chance, so they gave the tailor one last chance. They told him," We will give you one last chance for you and your wife to share sorrow and happiness together. If you don't, you will be sent to the gallows to be hanged." The villagers gleefully looked on as the tailor somberly walked home.
The first few weeks went well, but after that, the tailor started clobbering his wife on the head again. When he was brought to the village elders and asked for his alibi, the tailor said," I stayed true to my word, for when I hit my wife on the head, I am full of happiness and she is full of sorrow. When I miss, she is full of happiness and I am full of sorrow."
The elders had no choice but to let him go.
ID: 3703
Men / Women
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner..... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No..I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."
ID: 3713
Men / Women
There is a man in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband "You need more tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, Honey. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
ID: 2564
Men / Women
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
ID: 4313
Men / Women
Two women friends had gone for a Girls' Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they made off for home.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said; "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other, "mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said;
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
ID: 2592
Men / Women
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
ID: 3733
Men / Women
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
ID: 488
Men / Women
A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8 o'clock that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.
The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
ID: 4225
Men / Women
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are quite excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Many kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacies: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: Hesitates slightly but answers, "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely!"
Jacob: "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob turns and confers with his wife to be and then says to the pharmacist,
"We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
+10,000 Jokes