ID: 1605
Men / Women
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew," I thought, "got away with that one!"
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
ID: 535
Men / Women
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts.
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
ID: 4401
Men / Women
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for 'Mr. Big'."
ID: 1284
Men / Women
A groom and his bride are standing at the alter when the woman looks at her prospective husband
and sees he has a set of golf clubs.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he replies, "this won't take all afternoon, will it?"
ID: 7066
Men / Women
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
She was brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could fly!"
ID: 2378
Men / Women
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''
''What, my dear?'' she asked gently.
''I think you bring me bad luck.''
ID: 7956
Men / Women
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
ID: 1173
Men / Women
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
ID: 7085
Men / Women
During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, madam," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then... Just tell my husband!"
+10,000 Jokes