ID: 12484
Men / Women
Know why men are men and women are WOmen?
Men keep saying -
WO man, check out her boobs!
ID: 3493
Men / Women
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels!"
ID: 6508
Men / Women
Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Wella Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this one to point to where ever you want to. You see your thumb? You use it to turn pages in a book, and your ring finger, you will use when you get married, and your little finger, you use to pick your nose. And the middle finger, well, I'll tell you about that one when you get married."
Little Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it that I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony, tonight you will make mad hot love to your wife many times, and you may getta tired. When that happens, and your wife turns to you and wants to make love again, that's when you take your middle finger and you poke her on the head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'"
ID: 1583
Men / Women
Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long?
A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.
ID: 3507
Men / Women
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
ID: 3569
Men / Women
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't Jennifer. Good guess though...
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
ID: 3809
Men / Women
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."
ID: 3290
Men / Women
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Wilson noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in again, over and over.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
ID: 1346
Men / Women
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Costume party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new action.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you . . . the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"
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