ID: 11543
Men / Women
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
ID: 3740
Men / Women
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
ID: 4508
Men / Women
Bob, an extremely wealthy 60-year-old, arrives at a country club with a beautiful and charming 25-year-old blonde.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob exclaims, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are shocked, but continue to ask, "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob replies, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 40?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
ID: 629
Men / Women
She frowned and called him Mr.
Because in sport he kr.
And so in spite
That very night
The Mr. kr. sr.
ID: 2378
Men / Women
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''
''What, my dear?'' she asked gently.
''I think you bring me bad luck.''
ID: 6508
Men / Women
Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Wella Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this one to point to where ever you want to. You see your thumb? You use it to turn pages in a book, and your ring finger, you will use when you get married, and your little finger, you use to pick your nose. And the middle finger, well, I'll tell you about that one when you get married."
Little Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it that I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony, tonight you will make mad hot love to your wife many times, and you may getta tired. When that happens, and your wife turns to you and wants to make love again, that's when you take your middle finger and you poke her on the head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'"
ID: 2329
Men / Women
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
ID: 166
Men / Women
One Halloween, a boy dressed up as a cowboy. He went to a house, and an elderly lady opened the door. She said, "What might you be?" and the kid in front of the boy said, "I'm an Indian! All day, I hunt buffalo and make teepees and wigwams!" and the lady gave him some candy. Then the boy was up in line. The elderly lady said, "What might you be?" and he replied, "I'm a cowboy! All day, I round up cattle and take them to corrals!" The lady gave him some candy.
So he went to the next house, and a scorching hot teenage girl opened the door. She said, "What might you be?" and the girl in front of the boy said, "I'm a lesbian. All day I think of women, all afternoon I think of women, and all night I think of women." The teenage girl gave her some candy, and next the boy was up. The teenage girl said, "What might you be?" The boy looked her up and down, and said, "Well, I thought I was a cowboy!"
ID: 5290
Men / Women
One day, Harry and Sarah were having a petty argument.
After shouting back and forth, Sarah finally says, "Let's make a deal. To end this argument, you admit that I am right and I will admit that I am wrong."
Harry thought for a moment, agreed, and asked her to go first.
Sarah replied, "I'm sorry Harry, I am wrong."
In response, Harry shouts happily, "You're right!"
+10,000 Jokes