ID: 2074
Men / Women
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
ID: 6508
Men / Women
Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Wella Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this one to point to where ever you want to. You see your thumb? You use it to turn pages in a book, and your ring finger, you will use when you get married, and your little finger, you use to pick your nose. And the middle finger, well, I'll tell you about that one when you get married."
Little Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it that I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony, tonight you will make mad hot love to your wife many times, and you may getta tired. When that happens, and your wife turns to you and wants to make love again, that's when you take your middle finger and you poke her on the head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'"
ID: 7757
Men / Women
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
ID: 6771
Men / Women
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
ID: 2071
Men / Women
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
ID: 1415
Men / Women
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life.
A male has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need
ID: 6071
Men / Women
I found this joke someplace:
In middle school, I was always self-conscious about my height. Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear. When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: "Go barefoot."
ID: 2437
Men / Women
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
ID: 6877
Men / Women
These are all from my experiences. That's why they're funny.
1. You build a miniature boat out of a hostess box, water bottles, and duct tape, and float it down a river seven times.
2. You buy a headlamp, move it in circles on the wall, and say it follows wherever my head goes.
3. You make a hand with some sticks, a plastic soda bottle lid, some bugs, and a magnifying glass.
4. You pop each and every bubble on bubble wrap... in random order.
5. You line up thirteen megaphones just to see what it would do.
+10,000 Jokes