ID: 7254
Men / Women
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck.
She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me!"
He did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
ID: 853
Men / Women
Penguins mate for life.
This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
ID: 12979
Men / Women
What do you call two Chinese queers?
Two can chew!
ID: 14428
Men / Women
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
-What do you mean today's our anniversary?
-I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
-Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
-The new girl in my office is a stripper...I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
-Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
-I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
-I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
-That was a great fart! Do another one!
-God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
-I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
-Can we not talk to each other tonight?
-I'd rather just watch TV.
-It's way tooo biggg, that'll never fit in my tight.....
-Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
-I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
-And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
-Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
-Dammit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
-Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I'm not here.
-That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
-Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie
-I'm tired of cuddling. !
-You're so sexy when you're hungover.
-I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
-No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
-Your mother is way better than mine.
-I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
-Hey you, pull my finger!
-Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
-I think hairy butts are really sexy.
-Let's subscribe to PLAYBOY!
-I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
-Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
-I'm wrong. You must be right again.
ID: 12933
Men / Women
There was a lady that had a 3 year old son and one was coming on the way (she was pregnant). When the 3 year old asked his mother why her stomach was so big, she told him that it was just gas (she didn't want to give him a confusing explanation).
The day that the baby was born, the 3 year old came up to the baby and said, "Hey, Fart!"
ID: 11463
Men / Women
A man, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of a restroom facility but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked:
WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake soooo many men make, of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice!"
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He said the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
ID: 10874
Men / Women
A man and a woman have a child, and they need a crib, so they go to a crib factory store. This family is really poor, and they can only find cribs for $300. Then they find a crib for $20. They go up to the cashier and ask why. The cashier says its because it is cursed. The man and woman ask how it is cursed. The cashier replies, "After the 1st week of owning the crib, the mother of the child will die. After the 2nd week of owning the crib the child will die. And after the 3rd week the father of the child will die.(remember that last sentance)
The man and woman decide they don't believe the cashier, so they buy the crib anyway. A week goes by, and the woman dies. The man weeps. Another week goes by, and the child dies. The man weeps even more. Another week goes by, and the man trips over the dead mailman in front of his house.
ID: 13527
Men / Women
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!
ID: 12558
Men / Women
This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old,you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow then asks his grandfather,
"Well, how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied,"Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom.
She yells,'Screw You!'
and I holler back,'Screw You too!'"
+10,000 Jokes