ID: 9394
Men / Women
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
ID: 17960
Men / Women
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
ID: 4311
Men / Women
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
ID: 16730
Men / Women
"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
ID: 18069
Men / Women
Michael and Beth are married, Beth is a smoker but Michael thinks smoking is horrible.
One night she started smoking after they finished having sex and Michael said, "Would you please stop smoking, you're going to kill yourself."
Beth, in return, said, "Sometimes I just need to get in a smoke after sex, do you have a problem with that?"
He replied, "Yes, because they stunt your growth among other things."
Beth asked Michael if he's ever smoked, to which he proudly said no.
With a smug Beth lowered her gaze to his groin and said, "So, what's your excuse?"
ID: 5505
Men / Women
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "Then where the hell were
you when I got married?"
ID: 1423
Men / Women
The ten things a guy knows about a girl:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
ID: 5972
Men / Women
If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?
ID: 15890
Men / Women
This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in [brackets] for clarity.
Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506
Injuries: 2 Fatal.
The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]
The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:
The pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and co-pilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure. [The lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, over-stressing the wing and leading to a crash.]
+10,000 Jokes