ID: 15905
Men / Women
Fill in the blank:
The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________.
Yesterday.
ID: 9643
Men / Women
A man's life is difficult to understand,
when born he struggles to get out of the
vagina and then tries the rest of his life
to get in!!!
ID: 12025
Men / Women
How do you know if a 500-pound man is a millionaire?
(That's 500-pound fat, not muscle.)
Because he will have a totally hot, blonde, babe on his arm.
ID: 11703
Men / Women
Pete's at work when he realises he's forgotten to ask his wife, Alison, where he should pick her up after work.
He calls home, and after several seconds, Ali answers the phone.
Pete asks his question, and Ali shouts, "You got me out of the bath to ask me that? I dashed to the phone; I haven't even got a towel over me, I'm dripping water in the hall! Pick me up in the square at 5.30!"
As soon as Ali tells him she's naked and wet in the hall, an evil thought occurs to him. "I'm terribly sorry to have got you out of the bath; ok, see you at 5.30 then."
As he hangs up, he calls to his mate, Mark, and outlines his plan, and starts to dial his home number, then gives Mark the phone.
When Ali answers the phone, Mark says, "Hi, Ali, is Pete ho... Oh, look at you! and all wet, too!"
"Ahhhh...."
ID: 10896
Men / Women
A wife was in the kitchen making the boiled eggs for breakfast when her husband walked in and asked, "What's for breakfast?"
She turned to him and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stood her over the kitchen table and they had sex. Afterwards he asked, "What was that all about?"
She answered, "The egg timer's broken!"
ID: 11838
Men / Women
Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained.
"Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it.
He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.
ID: 9644
Men / Women
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
ID: 11801
Men / Women
Ethel and Bunty were getting just a little bored in the senior citizens' home, when Bunty had an idea. "I bet you $100 that you won't streak round the garden, Ethel."
"You have got a bet," replies Ethel, so she disrobes and sets off round the garden.
Tom and Bob were enjoying a relaxing time in the garden when Ethel went past.
Bob says, "Wasn't that Ethel that went by?"
Tom replies, "Yes, I do believe it was."
"What was she wearing then?"
"I don't know," said Tom, "but it surely needed ironing."
ID: 15438
Men / Women
A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper.
Back in the living room, a note read:
Dear Honey,
I have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back.
After reading the note, he calls her.
"Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?"
"Uhh, that's a funny story."
She hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in.
"Austin! Where is my wife?"
"Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the air and threw her in the toilet. She told me she would move after I trashed the place with her."
"So whose wife was that?"
+10,000 Jokes