ID: 15012
Men / Women
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."
ID: 16174
Men / Women
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
ID: 17403
Men / Women
An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts.
The man asks
"Was that me, or you?"
ID: 9473
Men / Women
A cowboy has lived to an extremely old age, and one day his grandson asked him to what he attributes his long life.
"Well, you know that every morning, I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast," says the old timer. His grandson nods. "Before I eat it, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it, every day," The ancient cowpoke adds. The grandson decides to follow his grandfather's breakfast regimen, and each morning of his life, he has oatmeal with gunpowder sprinkled on it.
Sure enough, the grandson lives to the ripe old age of 97, and when he died, he left seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
ID: 7580
Men / Women
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!
ID: 3531
Men / Women
Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his house.
"Sorry, that's against the law," says the desk sergeant.
"You don't get it," says the man. "I need to know how he got in without waking my wife."
ID: 16924
Men / Women
During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but try to get it right!"
Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state, and tension in every cockpit was running high.
Eventually an unknown male pilot broke the silence, asking, "Controller, wasn't I married to you once?"
ID: 3703
Men / Women
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner..... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No..I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."
ID: 3346
Men / Women
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.
Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.
Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.
Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?
Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.
Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.
Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary.
+10,000 Jokes