ID: 4383
Men / Women
Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no, in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.
ID: 10688
Men / Women
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
ID: 16637
Men / Women
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden."
Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Yes, well, that's because we aren't married yet."
ID: 10546
Men / Women
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS!
ID: 12988
Men / Women
A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.
The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight."
The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."
The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"
The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."
The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
ID: 10238
Men / Women
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
ID: 10653
Men / Women
John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?" whined Mari.
"Huh?" John responded.
"Look around you!" she yells, as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!"
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me."
"Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."
ID: 13286
Men / Women
CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN:
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets.
3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight.
4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago.
5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll.
9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
10. You've forgotten where you live.
11. You start to sound like Tina Turner from the cigarettes you've smoked. Oh, and as you have mentioned 10 TIMES by now, you only smoke when you drink.
12. You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the Vodka.
13. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza..
14. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
17. You no longer smell of Chanel No.5 and instead reek of a pot-pourri of vomit and Heineken.
18. You're out-burping the lads.
19. You just HAVE to tell your friends that you love them so much, just one more time.
20. You're at a table of strangers, flashing your tits, and you don't remember how you got there.
21. You're so tired so you just sit on the floor.
22. You smile to yourself like a some lunatic off the happy bus, unable to speak and have pint of soda water in your left hand and a bottle of bud in the right. Oh - and you have lost your keys, phone, money and bank cards
ID: 10246
Men / Women
What do you call an intelligent, good looking man?
A: A rumor!
+10,000 Jokes