ID: 16174
Men / Women
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
ID: 16716
Men / Women
17. "I finished the Oreo's."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
ID: 13991
Men / Women
Woman's guide to sex:
Lay there and pretend to enjoy the experience and when it is done tell your partner it was the best you ever had.
Man's guide to sex"
In, Out repeat if necessary!
ID: 14042
Men / Women
A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl."
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, hon, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And what happened to my present?"
"What present?" she asked
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she said.
"Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!"
ID: 13786
Men / Women
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all Kentuckians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
ID: 10899
Men / Women
A man is running out of his large office building when his boss spots him and asks him what he is doing.
The man replies, "My wife called me and she says she is going to jump out our window and commit suicide."
The boss realizes that this is a good excuse, but says, "Well, by the time you get home, won't it be too late?"
The man says, "Nah, I'm just going to open the window for her."
ID: 16891
Men / Women
A lady goes to a menswear shop to buy clothes for her husband. When she finds the clothes she likes she goes up to the counter and says, "I would like to buy these please." The man at the counter says, "Certainly, but you must sign this form." The lady says "Why?" but the man ignores her. The form reads as follows:
Title: _____ Full Name: _______________________
She fills it in like this:
Title: Ms Full Name: Jenny Hollows
The man at the counter asks, "What does the 'Ms' mean? Does it mean you are divorced?" and the woman responds with, "It is non specific. It is none of your business if I am divorced or not!" The man says "Wow! Men should get one like that!"
ID: 15887
Men / Women
A Mexican jail guard died from an excess of zeal while supervising an inmate's conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz was closely watching his charge from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent, crashed through the skylight, and fell 23 feet to land beside the bed where the inmate and his wife were, against all odds, enjoying an intimate moment. The interrupted prisoner, offended by the intrusion, attempted to start a riot, but was squelched by prison security.
Prisoners in the Tapachula facility reported that Diaz was in the habit of prowling the prison roof during conjugal visits, in search of prisoners to supervise. Local law enforcement reported that the guard was clutching a pornographic magazine, which was retained as evidence, and binoculars, whose sentimental value led to them being given back to the family of the deceased.
ID: 16785
Men / Women
1st Stage (0-8)- You believe in Santa
2nd Stage (9-26)- You don't believe in Santa
3rd Stage (27-45)- You are Santa
4th Stage (46-80)- You look like Santa
+10,000 Jokes