ID: 552
Men / Women
Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack.
Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, "It could have been worse." Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him.
They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?"
Then Jack said, "Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!"
The townspeople said, "How could that possibly be worse?"
Jack replied, "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"
ID: 11422
Men / Women
A ninety-year-old couple was going to bed, and the old lady was feeling romantic. She said to her husband, "I remember, when we were younger, how you used to hold my hand at night." Grumbling under his breath, her husband reached over and held her hand. Shortly after, she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you kissed me every night before we went to sleep." Really getting ticked off, the husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, the man threw the covers off of himself and stormed out of the room Surprised, the woman called after him asking what he is doing. "Going to get my teeth!" he replied.
ID: 13609
Men / Women
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
ID: 3197
Men / Women
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
When the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said.
"Madam, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".
ID: 16518
Men / Women
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
ID: 4323
Men / Women
One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the bachelor. "But I couldn't do anything with it."
"Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked his friend.
"You said it." The first guy replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean plate....'"
ID: 15523
Men / Women
A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.
His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
So what say the friends, flip her over.
"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
"Halitosis" the man says.
"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
ID: 3633
Men / Women
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
ID: 14579
Men / Women
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
+10,000 Jokes