ID: 884
Men / Women
There are three well known rings to marriage:
Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
ID: 3713
Men / Women
There is a man in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband "You need more tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, Honey. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
ID: 1151
Men / Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
ID: 6829
Men / Women
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the...?," he said to himself as a little blue dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April!" he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
ID: 1093
Men / Women
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back
ID: 906
Men / Women
A 90 year old man is having a checkup at his doctors office. The old man is chatty that day and starts to brag about his life. He boasts about his 20 year old wife who is having a baby because he got her knocked up. He claims it's an amazing feat considering his old age. The doctor listening to this very intently says, "Well, this reminds me of a story. Let me tell you about it."
"I know this man who is a hunter who goes bear hunting every single season. One day during hunting season the man is in such a rush to get out into the woods he grabs an umbrella instead of his shotgun. Anyway, he was out in the woods and he comes across a ferocious grizzly who is very mad. Horrified he raises his umbrella and points it at the bear trying to scare it away. He closes his eyes and squeezes the handle tightly. Then BOOM! the bear drops dead from a gunshot wound to the head."
The old man replies, "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear."
The doctor replies, "Exactly..."
ID: 2425
Men / Women
Woman: Honey, do you love me?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do I look fat in this?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Did you enjoy the meal?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight?
Woman: Sure Honey!
Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
ID: 1616
Men / Women
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
ID: 3197
Men / Women
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
When the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said.
"Madam, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".
+10,000 Jokes