ID: 3382
Men / Women
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."
ID: 7254
Men / Women
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck.
She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me!"
He did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
ID: 14969
Men / Women
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut
First child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.
Third child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.
Fourth child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.
ID: 15905
Men / Women
Fill in the blank:
The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________.
Yesterday.
ID: 14985
Men / Women
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am?" the officer asked.
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children," the woman replied.
"Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children."
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.
ID: 15638
Men / Women
A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
ID: 14879
Men / Women
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!'
The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.'
'How do you do that?' says the other.
'It's easy! I turn off the light!'
ID: 14910
Men / Women
Actual online ad:
$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call Pete, (xxx)xxx-xxxx
ID: 13837
Men / Women
Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.
All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."
+10,000 Jokes