ID: 2385
Men / Women
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
ID: 12526
Men / Women
An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it:
"Woman without her man is nothing."
MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing.
WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
ID: 1969
Men / Women
A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.
The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!"
The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.
At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?"
The old lady calmly replied, "Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in face down."
ID: 1616
Men / Women
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
ID: 3160
Men / Women
Ladies and gentlemen,
This five-letter-word little thing belongs to men, and no women. Some men have long ones, others shorter. It's straight in some men, and crooked in others. It may turn soft or hard in just a matter of seconds. Useless to some, it boasts manhood for others. Children wonder about it, young men are proud of it, while old men see their age in it. And whatever it is, some women love it, while others are afraid of it.
What is that darn thing anyway?
Scroll down for ANSWER
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beard, of course! what else? ;-)
ID: 1237
Men / Women
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
ID: 4065
Men / Women
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
ID: 5948
Men / Women
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"
ID: 577
Men / Women
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
+10,000 Jokes