ID: 1743
Men / Women
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'"
ID: 4065
Men / Women
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
ID: 2311
Men / Women
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.
"What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman.
The officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?"
To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".
ID: 4260
Men / Women
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was probably having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He recommended that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
That evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
ID: 5147
Men / Women
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
ID: 16039
Men / Women
Wife: One more word, and I will go back to my mother!
Husband: Taxi!
ID: 2614
Men / Women
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand
up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I
could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. it seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
And it was good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?" "Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."
ID: 1416
Men / Women
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
ID: 12161
Men / Women
An Englishman, a Frenchman and Angelina Jolie are sitting together in a train travelling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel, and everything goes dark.
There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a slap.
When the train comes out of the tunnel, Angelina Jolie and the Englishman are sitting there as if nothing has happened, and the Frenchman is holding a slapped face.
The Frenchman is thinking, "That Englishman must have kissed Angelina and she swung at him, missed, and slapped me."
Angelina Jolie is thinking, "That French guy must have tried to kiss me, kissed the Englishman by mistake, and got slapped."
The Englishman is thinking, "This is great. When we go through the next tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again, and slap that French guy again!"
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