ID: 17968
Men / Women
I just wrote this out of boredom. I do not care what you think. If you think this bad, I can't help but say, "Go fuck yourself".
A couple had been fighting for quite a while. The husband is just craving for sex. One night when they're in bed:
Husband: You know, it's fun.
Wife: Huh?
Husband: It's fun!
Wife: What? What's up with you all of a sudden? What's fun?
Husband: It's fun!
Wife: What is?
Husband: IT'S fun!
Wife: Grrr. Fuck you!
Husband: YEAH, THAT!
ID: 13609
Men / Women
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
ID: 4261
Men / Women
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
ID: 10784
Men / Women
1. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.
10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.
ID: 11188
Men / Women
After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, Mom and Dad announced to their grown children that they're getting a divorce.
The kids were totally distraught and, as a stab at keeping their parents together, arranged a series of sessions for the whole family with a world-famous marriage counselor.
The counselor worked for hours, tried all of his methods and tricks, but the parents wouldn't even talk to each other.
Finally, he walked over to a closet, brought out an oboe, and began to play. After a minute or so, the parents started talking and, as the counselor continued soloing on the oboe, the couple discovered they're not that far apart and decided to give their marriage another try.
The children were amazed and asked the counselor how he managed to do it. He replied, "Simple. I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through an oboe solo."
ID: 8623
Men / Women
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points him to the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers saying, 'It's sooo much cheaper!' So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she."
ID: 7658
Men / Women
A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
ID: 11165
Men / Women
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
ID: 4547
Men / Women
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient"  = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute"  = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later
+10,000 Jokes