ID: 17922
Men / Women
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I've never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!!
What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear . . . "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big un-named department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you . . . she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either . . . but at least that girl knows I'm smarter than her.
ID: 11610
Men / Women
Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.
"Have you tried WIFE?" he replied.
ID: 10246
Men / Women
What do you call an intelligent, good looking man?
A: A rumor!
ID: 7839
Men / Women
Women as Explained by Engineers
Finally- an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man!
Element: Woman
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg, to 225 kg.
Physical properties
___________________
Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint.
Boils at absolutely nothing-freezes for no apparent reason.
Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material, to common ore.
Chemical properties
____________________
Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones.
Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
The most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
Common Use
__________________
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly aid relaxation.
Can be a very effective cleaning agent.
Hazards
__________________
Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
Possession of more than one is possible, but specimens must never make eye contact!
ID: 7572
Men / Women
If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say:
"Come on back and take yo space,
'cuz if you break my heart again,
I'll break yo face".
ID: 8746
Men / Women
Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
ID: 11644
Men / Women
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.
ID: 11422
Men / Women
A ninety-year-old couple was going to bed, and the old lady was feeling romantic. She said to her husband, "I remember, when we were younger, how you used to hold my hand at night." Grumbling under his breath, her husband reached over and held her hand. Shortly after, she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you kissed me every night before we went to sleep." Really getting ticked off, the husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, the man threw the covers off of himself and stormed out of the room Surprised, the woman called after him asking what he is doing. "Going to get my teeth!" he replied.
ID: 8624
Men / Women
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese.
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