ID: 14967
Men / Women
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The Trip to the Hospital
First child: Every time we felt the slightest B & H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.
Second child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
ID: 10053
Men / Women
What is the name of a naked woman lying between two naked men?
Sharin Peters
ID: 13508
Men / Women
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you - don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
ID: 13645
Men / Women
A ninety-year-old man living in a rest home was granted a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady, and they went to her apartment, where they got stinky and wrinkly.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he had developed a drip, and headed to the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
"Sure, why?" asked the old man.
"Well you'd better get over there," replied the doctor, "You're about to come!"
ID: 12921
Men / Women
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of the weddings on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new husbands. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom, you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom, you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom, you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
ID: 3493
Men / Women
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels!"
ID: 2778
Men / Women
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a
nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin
bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll
go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled
and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you
don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed
towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it
in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris.
"But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart
team hadn't."
ID: 11519
Men / Women
John took Mary to the movies, and they both enjoyed the show very much.
Afterwards, John asked Mary what she wanted to do; "I want to get weighed," she said.
He took her to a drugstore, where the machine said she weighed 107 pounds, but for the rest of the night she pouted and sulked.
When they finally got to her house, John tried to kiss her, but she said, "Go on home now, I've had a wowsy time."
ID: 12841
Men / Women
Bob was talking to Ted, an old friend.
Bob: My wife drives like lightning!
Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, She hits trees!
+10,000 Jokes