ID: 15879
Men / Women
"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." ~ Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Tom Clancy
"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams
ID: 9475
Men / Women
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
ID: 10693
Men / Women
Once there was a guy who liked cheese.
ID: 9662
Men / Women
1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have...
2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you...
3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later...
4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation?
5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies...
6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway...
7. Gobble the last slice of pizza without having to go through the 'No you have it, no really... Are you sure you don't mind...?
8. Walk about the house naked, without having to hold any bits in...
9. Have friends of the opposite sex. After marriage, it's too much effort to keep saying: "No, I really don't fancy them"...
10. Men: Enjoy that wardrobe space while you can! You will not believe the vast number of shoes that one woman needs...
11. Women: Fill in silly magazine quizzes with titles like 'Are You Seductive', without having to listen to loud laughter from your partner (who then runs off with the magazine)...
12. Men: Get rid of anything inflatable and female-shaped...
13. Relish clipping your toenails straight onto the carpet...
14. Remember that your best option with in-laws is to marry an orphan...
ID: 13182
Men / Women
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I slowly took a long drink from my can of Old Milwaukee Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Oakley sunglasses and looked at this nosy ass neighbor and replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
ID: 13672
Men / Women
So I was out camping and my glasses had broken the day before, so I couldn't wear them. Without my glasses, I can't see anything past 10 feet in front of my face. So I was out camping (W/out glasses) and I go to use the bathroom, and I walk into the wrong one, (and two cute girls were outside picking berries) and I come out and they start to laugh. I found out about two hours later that I walked into the wrong bathroom.
An hour and a half later, i was eating a late lunch/early dinner, and I go to use the bathroom, at this local Texmex resturant, and the bathroom was outside, and I walked into the wrong one again. It was really embarrassing.
PS, I'm not blonde, just on the inside.
ID: 12558
Men / Women
This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old,you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow then asks his grandfather,
"Well, how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied,"Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom.
She yells,'Screw You!'
and I holler back,'Screw You too!'"
ID: 12526
Men / Women
An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it:
"Woman without her man is nothing."
MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing.
WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
ID: 10853
Men / Women
One day, in a hospital, a doctor walked into a womans room, looking very serious. "There's something wrong with your baby", he said. the woman bolted upright. "Tell me! What's wrong with my baby?" The doctor looked her straight in the eye and told her, "Your child is a hermaphrodite." "A herma-whatta?" she asked. "The baby has the, um, most important parts of both a boy and a girl." The woman turned pale. It was silent for a few moments, and she said, "So, you're saying its a guy with a brain?!?!?!"
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