ID: 12964
Men / Women
While reading a newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "Why do the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."
ID: 10896
Men / Women
A wife was in the kitchen making the boiled eggs for breakfast when her husband walked in and asked, "What's for breakfast?"
She turned to him and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stood her over the kitchen table and they had sex. Afterwards he asked, "What was that all about?"
She answered, "The egg timer's broken!"
ID: 10881
Men / Women
One day a little boy and a little girl are outside playing together and they get into an argument.
The little boy holds up an army man and says " I bet you don't have one of these!"
The little girl finds her army man and holds it up "Yes I do!" she says in a superior tone.
The little boy looks through his toys and holds up a dump truck and says "Well I bet you don't have one of these!"
Once again the little girl looks through her toys and finds a dump truck and holds it up and says "Oh yes I do!" in a superior tone.
The little boy is starting to get mad so he looks through his toys and finally finds a cap gun. He holds it up and yells "Well I bet you don't have one of these!"
The little girl finds her cap gun and holds it up "Oh yes I do!" in a very snooty voice.
At this point the little boy has had it so he stands up and whips his pants down to his knees and points to his crotch and proclaims "Well I know you don't have one of these!!"
The little girl gets up looks down the front of her pants and then runs home crying.
The next day the little boy and little girl are playing again and once again they go through the routine with the army man, the dump truck and the cap gun.
The little boy jumps up with a big smile on his face and whips his pants down to his kness points and his crotch and says "Well I know you don't have one of these, SO THERE!"
The little girl immediatley jumps up pulls her pants down and points at her crotch and says "Well I might not have one of those, but my mommy told me that with one of these I can get one of those anytime I want one!!"
ID: 15053
Men / Women
Special Cheesecake
One of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special cheesecake," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," she continued, "the ninth time around the block, there it was!"
ID: 17922
Men / Women
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I've never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!!
What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear . . . "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big un-named department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you . . . she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either . . . but at least that girl knows I'm smarter than her.
ID: 15007
Men / Women
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
ID: 15094
Men / Women
An elderly couple were on a road trip and stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. They finished their lunch and it wasn't until they were back on the highway that the old woman realized she had left her glasses behind at the restaurant.
They had to continue on the highway for quite some distance before they were able to find a spot to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too!"
ID: 14999
Men / Women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
ID: 11861
Men / Women
One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?"
The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him.
She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
+10,000 Jokes