ID: 4547
Men / Women
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient"  = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute"  = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later
ID: 11146
Men / Women
Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
ID: 6382
Men / Women
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud, "I feel like a new man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."
ID: 1416
Men / Women
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
ID: 2146
Men / Women
The Dean from the University of Northern Colorado was a victim of a hit and run.
He was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken Dean told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!"
ID: 2573
Men / Women
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your bickering. I'm going to the bar!"
So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again, and, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.
"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
ID: 1620
Men / Women
There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said, ''I know, isn't that the speed limit?" The officer said, ''No, this is Interstate 22''. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains, ''No, we just left Interstate 119."
ID: 2062
Men / Women
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
ID: 6508
Men / Women
Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Wella Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this one to point to where ever you want to. You see your thumb? You use it to turn pages in a book, and your ring finger, you will use when you get married, and your little finger, you use to pick your nose. And the middle finger, well, I'll tell you about that one when you get married."
Little Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it that I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony, tonight you will make mad hot love to your wife many times, and you may getta tired. When that happens, and your wife turns to you and wants to make love again, that's when you take your middle finger and you poke her on the head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'"
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