ID: 17937
Men / Women
Husband messages his wife on his cellphone: Hi, wat R U doing honey?
Wife replies: I'm dying
Husband is delighted and jumps with joy, but texts: OMG! How am I gonna live without u?
Wife replies: u idiot. I'm dying my hair
Husband: *@&!#*/ English
ID: 17823
Men / Women
CONCLUSION:
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat . . . 10% of women think their ass is too skinny . . .
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
ID: 17968
Men / Women
I just wrote this out of boredom. I do not care what you think. If you think this bad, I can't help but say, "Go fuck yourself".
A couple had been fighting for quite a while. The husband is just craving for sex. One night when they're in bed:
Husband: You know, it's fun.
Wife: Huh?
Husband: It's fun!
Wife: What? What's up with you all of a sudden? What's fun?
Husband: It's fun!
Wife: What is?
Husband: IT'S fun!
Wife: Grrr. Fuck you!
Husband: YEAH, THAT!
ID: 16919
Men / Women
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" says the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."
ID: 17985
Men / Women
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . . then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
ID: 15131
Men / Women
One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
However, things were different the following year.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
ID: 16942
Men / Women
A man walks into a modern art museum, he sees a piece of art, and says, "Look how ugly that is, the nose is all out of shape, and look at those arms, so small and weak, I bet the person who created this is a wimp!"
A security guard nearby says, "Sir, that's a mirror."
ID: 15386
Men / Women
Man
A remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.
Woman
Creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does.
People
Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
Optimist
Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
Pessimist
Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.
ID: 18071
Men / Women
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
+10,000 Jokes