ID: 1257
Men / Women
Prelim explanation:
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over$32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
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Finally the funny part:
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!
ID: 17987
Men / Women
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing; then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help - she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, and none of us could get the jar open."
ID: 14973
Men / Women
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see if she can get your husband out of jail."
ID: 13857
Men / Women
Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons:
A man from Conneticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read "I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven o'clock on Channel 2."
A housewife filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband was having an affair. The woman became suspicious when every time the phone rang, her myna bird spouted things like "Divorce," "I love you" and "Be patient."
ID: 9103
Men / Women
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
ID: 14579
Men / Women
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
ID: 11673
Men / Women
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"
ID: 12921
Men / Women
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of the weddings on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new husbands. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom, you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom, you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom, you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
ID: 14879
Men / Women
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!'
The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.'
'How do you do that?' says the other.
'It's easy! I turn off the light!'
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