ID: 17706
Men / Women
A heavy-set woman goes into a drug store and asks for talcum powder. The bowlegged clerk says, "Walk this way," and the woman answers, "If I could walk that way I would not need talcum powder!"
ID: 3360
Men / Women
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
ID: 4945
Men / Women
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
ID: 3365
Men / Women
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah,
NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!
ID: 3687
Men / Women
An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going?"
The elderly man replied, "To the doctor's."
Surprised, his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"
"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
With that, his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater.
Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to the doctor, too."
"Why?"
She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
ID: 3653
Men / Women
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
ID: 3403
Men / Women
9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
7. Crying can be fun.
6. Fat clothes.
5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
And the number one thing only women understand...
1. Other women!
ID: 3385
Men / Women
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
ID: 7254
Men / Women
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck.
She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me!"
He did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
+10,000 Jokes