ID: 15684
Men / Women
One night a man is driving in his car and hears police sirens behind him. The man knows that with his car he could never out-drive the cop, so, seeing the officer looks fat and out of shape, he opens his car door and makes a run for it.
The chase goes on about 20 minutes, with the cop finally catching him.
The cop, completely out of breath, tells the man that he will not bring him to the station on one condition - the man, wondering why the cop wasn't going to turn him in, asked what the condition was. The cop said he wouldn't turn him in if he would help him lose another 5 pounds!
ID: 361
Men / Women
A guy receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the upper corner of the stadium; he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down he ask the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was suppose to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at, since we got married.
Well, "Thats really sad, but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?'
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
ID: 5972
Men / Women
If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?
ID: 1175
Men / Women
1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.
2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.
3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.
4...Learn how not to inflict your diets on other people.
5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner's toothbrush.
9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.
10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.
12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult?
13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.
14..Real women drink their share at a party.
15..Telephones - How to hang up.
16..Parking - Beginner's Course.
17..Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.
18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.
19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.
20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.
21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.
ID: 4792
Men / Women
Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she got comfortable, the doorbell rang. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, and went to the door.
A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. She slammed the door in his face and returned to her bath.
The doorbell rang again. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, slipped on a wet spot, and hit her back against the tub.
She struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining her, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you just go home and take a nice hot bath?"
ID: 1153
Men / Women
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
ID: 469
Men / Women
A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."
He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'
I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."
The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?'
I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?"
"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!"
ID: 5206
Men / Women
There was a couple. One day the husband went to work, as usual. All of a sudden a man in a truck appeared at the front door. The husband, frightened, hid behind a tree. The man exchanged a few words with the wife and left. The husband decided to get rid of that man once and for all.
The next day, the husband went to work. But this time, he carried a shotgun with him. The man in the truck came again, the husband shot the man. Then the wife came out and cried," You idiot! That man was filling in for my boyfriend!"
ID: 3880
Men / Women
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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