ID: 15095
Men / Women
"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live," a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. "My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed."
The husband raised his head and replied, "Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!"
ID: 8029
Men / Women
I know this isn't a joke, but I really need help. I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs - phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls, it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was, and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car, which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
So what should I do? Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
ID: 11519
Men / Women
John took Mary to the movies, and they both enjoyed the show very much.
Afterwards, John asked Mary what she wanted to do; "I want to get weighed," she said.
He took her to a drugstore, where the machine said she weighed 107 pounds, but for the rest of the night she pouted and sulked.
When they finally got to her house, John tried to kiss her, but she said, "Go on home now, I've had a wowsy time."
ID: 11034
Men / Women
A man asked a woman,"Will you marry me?"
The woman replied,"No."
They both lived happily ever after!
ID: 12057
Men / Women
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So, Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her; they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So.... are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"
ID: 13182
Men / Women
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I slowly took a long drink from my can of Old Milwaukee Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Oakley sunglasses and looked at this nosy ass neighbor and replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
ID: 12988
Men / Women
A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.
The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight."
The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."
The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"
The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."
The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
ID: 13522
Men / Women
Signs That Were Found In Peoples' Kitchens:
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
ID: 12484
Men / Women
Know why men are men and women are WOmen?
Men keep saying -
WO man, check out her boobs!
+10,000 Jokes