ID: 1086
Men / Women
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."
ID: 16277
Men / Women
My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am?" he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
ID: 4280
Men / Women
A young couple decide to have sex for the first time so they go to the store to buy condoms. They find a popular brand and bring it to the register. The price on the box is $1.00 but when the cashier totals up the price it comes to $1.07. The couple asks what the extra 7 cents is for. The cashier replies back "tax." Then the young man says "I was wondering what held it on.
ID: 3485
Men / Women
Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
ID: 3807
Men / Women
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off?
.....I think not.
ID: 1614
Men / Women
What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use?
Don't know it's never happened.
ID: 6172
Men / Women
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
ID: 4810
Men / Women
A handsome mid-age couple, John and Gail, like living in Texas. Even though they have lived in Texas most of their married life John never
had a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale at Sheplers one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Gail looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated John storms off in to the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Gail looks up and says, "John, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow.
Furious, John yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, GAIL? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Gail replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat."
ID: 3809
Men / Women
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."
+10,000 Jokes