ID: 1244
Men / Women
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
ID: 482
Men / Women
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
ID: 15684
Men / Women
One night a man is driving in his car and hears police sirens behind him. The man knows that with his car he could never out-drive the cop, so, seeing the officer looks fat and out of shape, he opens his car door and makes a run for it.
The chase goes on about 20 minutes, with the cop finally catching him.
The cop, completely out of breath, tells the man that he will not bring him to the station on one condition - the man, wondering why the cop wasn't going to turn him in, asked what the condition was. The cop said he wouldn't turn him in if he would help him lose another 5 pounds!
ID: 836
Men / Women
Grow some dope... plant a man.
ID: 1743
Men / Women
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'"
ID: 823
Men / Women
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
ID: 2329
Men / Women
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
ID: 706
Men / Women
Man#1 is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly. The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file. There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Man#1 runs to catch up with Man#2 and his dog.
Man#1 asks Man#2 who's in the first hearse.
Man#2 replies, "My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a bit later."
Man#1 says, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who's in the second hearse?"
Man#2 says, "Not at all, it's my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital."
Man#1 replies, "Can I borrow your dog?"
Man#2, "Get in line."
ID: 17957
Men / Women
It's my wife's birthday today so I went out earlier in the week and deliberately got her a present that I knew she'd hate.
True to form she opened it, took one look and said, "What the fuck would I want with an xbox?
I'm going to take this back to the shop and ask for a refund."
I can't wait to see her little face when she gets arrested for looting.
+10,000 Jokes