ID: 4260
Men / Women
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was probably having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He recommended that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
That evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
ID: 13672
Men / Women
So I was out camping and my glasses had broken the day before, so I couldn't wear them. Without my glasses, I can't see anything past 10 feet in front of my face. So I was out camping (W/out glasses) and I go to use the bathroom, and I walk into the wrong one, (and two cute girls were outside picking berries) and I come out and they start to laugh. I found out about two hours later that I walked into the wrong bathroom.
An hour and a half later, i was eating a late lunch/early dinner, and I go to use the bathroom, at this local Texmex resturant, and the bathroom was outside, and I walked into the wrong one again. It was really embarrassing.
PS, I'm not blonde, just on the inside.
ID: 16592
Men / Women
A businessman boarded a plane and sat next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah said. "It's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr Egoheimer."
ID: 16143
Men / Women
A husband and wife are walking down the High Street one evening, when the wife saw a beautiful diamond necklace in the jeweller's shop window.
"Oh," she exclaims, "I really would like that! Do you think you could get it for me?" With that, he looks around and finally locates a brick, which he promptly lobs through the window; he then grabs the necklace, and the two of them leg it.
"Oh, there was a lovely pair of earrings to match in the other window!" she says.
"What, do you think I'm MADE of bricks?" he exclaims.
ID: 9812
Men / Women
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship; she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds; Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere; but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She complained "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though! My wife asked "What's on the TV?"; I said "Dust!"
ID: 16276
Men / Women
One day, early in the morning, a naked man was lying on a beach reading the newspaper. He saw a little girl skipping towards him. Quickly he covered himself with the newspaper just as the little girl spotted him. She comes by him and says,"Good morning, What's under the newspaper?" The man replied,"A birdie!" The little girl started dancing and said,"Can I see it." The man Quickly snaps,"NO! It's sleeping." The little girl skips away ad the man falls asleep. After a few hours he wakes up and notices he's in the hospital. He calls over the doctor and asks why he was in the hospital. The doctor replies,"Ask that little girl." The little girl shyly goes over and says,"I was playing with the birdie, it spit on me, so i broke its neck, cracked its eggs and sets it nest on fire."
ID: 18071
Men / Women
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
ID: 17960
Men / Women
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
ID: 14985
Men / Women
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am?" the officer asked.
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children," the woman replied.
"Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children."
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.
+10,000 Jokes