ID: 3197
Men / Women
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
When the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said.
"Madam, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".
ID: 3160
Men / Women
Ladies and gentlemen,
This five-letter-word little thing belongs to men, and no women. Some men have long ones, others shorter. It's straight in some men, and crooked in others. It may turn soft or hard in just a matter of seconds. Useless to some, it boasts manhood for others. Children wonder about it, young men are proud of it, while old men see their age in it. And whatever it is, some women love it, while others are afraid of it.
What is that darn thing anyway?
Scroll down for ANSWER
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beard, of course! what else? ;-)
ID: 3635
Men / Women
At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
ID: 10047
Men / Women
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
ID: 10784
Men / Women
1. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.
10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.
ID: 3733
Men / Women
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
ID: 9644
Men / Women
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
ID: 3777
Men / Women
A woman was having a terrible time sleeping. Her large dog, which slept in the bedroom with her and her husband, snored like a buzz saw. She contacted the Vet who told her of an old remedy that was handed down to him by an old Southern lady. He said when the dog began to snore, tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles.
Hoping for a good night sleep, she looked into her sewing kit and found a short piece of red ribbon and placed it on the night stand. When the dog began to snore she got up and delicately tied the red ribbon around the dog's testicles. The dog immediately stopped snoring and stayed asleep. Amazing she thought, and quickly went back to sleep.
Later that evening, her husband came home from a night out with the boys, stumbled into the bedroom and after undressing, flopped into bed. He immediately began to snore loudly, waking his wife. She reasoned that if it worked for the dog, maybe it would work for her husband. She got up and went to her sewing kit where she found a length of blue ribbon. Quietly and softly she tied the ribbon around her husbands testicles and he immediately quit snoring. She was amazed again and promptly returned to sleep.
The next morning the husband awoke with a terrible hangover and as he stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself saw the blue ribbon around his testicles. As he walked into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon around the dog's testicles. Through his haze, he muttered off-handedly to the dog, "I don't know what we did last night, but at least we finished first and second."
ID: 3429
Men / Women
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
+10,000 Jokes