ID: 2357
Men / Women
A few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Thongs are encouraged... however only if certain conditions are met.
1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be frowned upon.
1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type movies.
2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist world, but it's the world that we live in.
3) Curlers are strictly verboten.
ID: 3197
Men / Women
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
When the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said.
"Madam, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".
ID: 8983
Men / Women
A man and his wife are in the bed watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
He turns to her and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. He replies, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes," she said. He then replies, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing he remembers. . . .
ID: 419
Men / Women
More male phrases explained:
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means.. "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you."
Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we're out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
ID: 5505
Men / Women
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "Then where the hell were
you when I got married?"
ID: 472
Men / Women
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did."
The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Finally, she says, "You."
ID: 1109
Men / Women
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
ID: 3160
Men / Women
Ladies and gentlemen,
This five-letter-word little thing belongs to men, and no women. Some men have long ones, others shorter. It's straight in some men, and crooked in others. It may turn soft or hard in just a matter of seconds. Useless to some, it boasts manhood for others. Children wonder about it, young men are proud of it, while old men see their age in it. And whatever it is, some women love it, while others are afraid of it.
What is that darn thing anyway?
Scroll down for ANSWER
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beard, of course! what else? ;-)
ID: 3493
Men / Women
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels!"
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