ID: 16280
Men / Women
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting on a bench by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh, no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon," replied Rosita. "Please, corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang .....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Jear."
ID: 16919
Men / Women
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" says the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."
ID: 12295
Men / Women
Sam and Abe, in their late seventies, first met years ago in the second grade. Their relationship now is mostly playing cards, telling jokes and making bets.
Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!" Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you ..."
Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, ...a thousand dollars, ...yes or no!!"
Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft?" Sam says, "Eleven years!"
ID: 16637
Men / Women
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden."
Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Yes, well, that's because we aren't married yet."
ID: 11075
Men / Women
Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life?
Because like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide.
ID: 17985
Men / Women
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . . then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
ID: 16924
Men / Women
During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but try to get it right!"
Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state, and tension in every cockpit was running high.
Eventually an unknown male pilot broke the silence, asking, "Controller, wasn't I married to you once?"
ID: 12841
Men / Women
Bob was talking to Ted, an old friend.
Bob: My wife drives like lightning!
Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, She hits trees!
ID: 15905
Men / Women
Fill in the blank:
The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________.
Yesterday.
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