ID: 10907
Men / Women
It was the interval at the Opera when Mrs. Sternberg rose from her seat and called: "Is there a doctor in the house? Is there a doctor in the house?!"
A man in a tuxedo pushed his way towards her. "I'm a doctor" he said.
"Oh, doctor," she said, "Have I got just the loveliest daughter for you...."
ID: 14417
Men / Women
Online dating is huge now. Everyone from EHarmony to Match.com have been benefitting from the surge in personals. But impersonal nature of online personals need a little clarifying. Below you'll find a guide to better enable yourself "Find That Special Someone"
Female
Beautiful Bulgarian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Ukranian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Romanian girl = I need a green card....possibly a gypsy
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = a really good lay
Athletic = No tits
Spends too much time at work / Work Hard = I'm cheating on you and we haven't even met
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Takes a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure = On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie / Hippie
Hopeless romantic = Wants a Ring
Friendship first = Former slut
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
very goal oriented = She wants to wear the pants
BA in psychology = I will be single forever
Sensitive Girl = Insecure
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Old-fashioned = No Blow Jobs
Looking For A Man with ambition = Golddigger
Mentions the word "Love" in any way shape or form = clingy
Honest Eyes = I'll cheat on you and you'll never know....hehehehe
Family is important to me = Father Issues
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Average looking = Ugly
Spontaneous = Will Have Sex Anywhere
Looking for a cowboy! = Take me....Take me nowwwwww!
low maintenance girl = not very attractive and probably athletic = no tits no looks
Fun-loving girl = gives it up a lot
For a guy to make me laugh = depressed probably medicated
Honest, intelligent, funny and just down to earth = probably none of the above
Spiritual = a witch, possibly a vegetarian
Voluptuous = Possibly Fat
Large frame = One Large Woman
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
Looking for a nice guy = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
No Baby Daddy Drama = Baby Daddy Drama (Look out!)
30-ish = 35-45
40-ish = 49-54
Chivalry should not be dead! There's something to be said about how our parents courted = Princess....Only Child
Very social = keep your good-looking friend away from this one
I've been called a keeper = only calls herself a keeper
Male
Looking for a nice girl = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
Ambitious = Rich
Family is important to me = Mother Issues
Old fashioned gentleman = Oldddd. Really Olddddddd
Renowned Psycologist = You'll be on medication inside of a week
I've been called a keeper = only calls himself a keeper
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Adventurous & Open-minded = Swinger, possibly bi
I want you to want me = Knows at least one song from the 80s
Charming European accent = I will cheat on you, but its okay I have a Charming European accent
"Bad boys need love too" = maybe a good lay, possibly has herpes
(wickedly sarcastic) sense of humor = Will tell you your ugly and think its funny
Big Teddy Bear = Really Really Big
Lets go on a magic carpet ride = On the Sexual Offender list....check local website first
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Exceptional = Probably average at best
Look here! = You probably don't want to look there
Moved back after a long time = I'm 30 and I live with my parents
Voluptuous = Sex Change... Tranvestite
No Baby Mama Drama = Baby Mama Drama (Look out!)
I work at Budweiser = Un-employed
I like to watch movies = Can't dance to save my life
Out going, Independent Guy = Will not come home at night
looking for the ms right = Mr. Wrong
Adam looking for Eve = Bible Study begins at 8pm
Tall guy = Big Schlong
Sensitive Guy = Gay
I cried watching the movie "Titanic" = Gay
Searching for Treasure = "Let me guess it's around a female's chest!"
Smart and quiet guy = "One Day I will be the Uni-Bomber"....don't look in my basement
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = Really Really Really Gay
I don't have an intro line = Not very interesting
Soccer fanatic = White, preppy, possibly a snob
Has no shirt in online personal pic = I'm masterbating right now
Just want to meet good women = probably doesn't deserve one woman
A man seeking sexy playmate = Has a lot of $1 bills
ID: 17122
Men / Women
During a break at work, John and Steve are chit-chatting about what happened the previous night:
John: "OK, well last night the wife and I decided to go see a play. I waited for 10 minutes downstairs for her to get ready, and we got on our way. So, we're driving down the street, when suddenly a car from oncoming traffic swerves into our lane! I quickly gripped the wheel, and turned out of the way. I hit the guardrail, so my car spun out, took 2 flips in the air, and landed in the ditch at the side of the road. But - guess what? My wife and I crawled out of the car WITHOUT a scratch. What do you think?"
Steve: "I...I just can't believe it."
John: "I know, right? Isn't it unbelievable how we made it out alive and absolutely fine?"
Steve: "No..not that. I just can't believe that it only took your wife 10 minutes to get ready!"
ID: 18019
Men / Women
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
ID: 14569
Men / Women
A good marriage would be between a blind woman, and a deaf man.
ID: 15002
Men / Women
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
ID: 14710
Men / Women
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
ID: 17244
Men / Women
Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up!
ID: 15131
Men / Women
One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
However, things were different the following year.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
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