ID: 10936
Men / Women
Once I asked a guy, " Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?"
ID: 192
Men / Women
A man and a woman are having an intimate dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the man quietly slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."
ID: 4356
Men / Women
A man and his wife were having some problems and giving each other the silent treatment. The man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him the next morning at 5:00 a.m, for an early flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up."
ID: 622
Men / Women
Q:What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
A: A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
ID: 6329
Men / Women
What Men Want
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Vitamin fortified cigars.
Public beer fountains.
Kitty catapults.
All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
Wet T-shirt Fridays.
Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
Rocket boots.
Machine gun camp.
NASA space shuttle races.
Sledgehammer boxing.
Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
Congressional pie fights.
Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Tomahawk missile surf boards.
Hot tub jury boxes.
Nacho cheese lipstick.
Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
Beef jerky business cards.
Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.
Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
Karaoke "ejector" stages.
Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
The Astronaut Reserves.
Porno without all the "talking" filler.
Head banging elevated to "fine art".
All money spent on women tax deductible!
Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
Passports to Margaritaville.
The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
ID: 1386
Men / Women
The following are 10 ways to tell if you have PMS,
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting
practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
ID: 1265
Men / Women
A man is flying on a very expensive airline in first class when the sudden urge to relieve himself overwhelms him.
He runs to the bathroom to find its occupied. He bangs and bangs on the door but no one comes out. The flight attendant notices the man is in distress so she tries to help him. She takes him to a bathroom exclusively for the supermodels who frequently fly on this airline. She lets him use it very quickly but warns him to not, under any circumstance, press any of the 3 buttons next to the toilet.
The man gets into the bathroom and automatically sees the buttons. They're labeled WW, WA, and ATR.
The man sits down on the toilet and immediately relieves himself. While sitting down he cant help but wonder about the buttons. He pushes the first one slowly, and all of a sudden warm water comes at his butt and washes it thoroughly. He thinks that the supermodels must really have it made.
He then pushes the second button. He hears a slight hissing noise then feels warm air gently drying his butt. Wowee, this is the life. Supermodels sure are lucky thinks the man.
Then he decides what the hell, might as well try the last button.
The next thing the man knows he is lying in the hospital in extreme pain. The flight attendant is leaning over the man telling him to relax.
"What happened?" asks the man.
The flight attendant turns around and picks up a jar filled with water with a carrot or something floating in it. Then says, "I told you not to push that button. ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover."
ID: 779
Men / Women
Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h.
Life is a virgin.
A bi**h would be easy.
ID: 1346
Men / Women
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Costume party.
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new action.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you . . . the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"
+10,000 Jokes