ID: 4566
Men / Women
A woman, who had just been married to a gambling man, had learned upon marrying him that he always came home well after midnight.
She didn't like this one bit, and no amount of reasoning with him would make him miss a night out with the guys, so every night for a week she would stay up till he came home, and when she heard him enter the house she would call out:
"Is that you, Ben?"
She did this for a week, and then he started coming home promptly at 7:00 every night. Why, you might ask?
His name was Jacob.
ID: 13853
Men / Women
How Men Are Like Dogs
* Both take up too much space on the bed
* Both have irrational fears about vacuuming
* Neither tells you what's bothering him
* Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut
* Neither understands what you see in cats
ID: 853
Men / Women
Penguins mate for life.
This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
ID: 2841
Men / Women
A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man.
ID: 2564
Men / Women
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
ID: 1337
Men / Women
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
ID: 2852
Men / Women
Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"
ID: 712
Men / Women
"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor.
"He went twice!"
ID: 4799
Men / Women
"Uh huh," "sure, honey," or "yes, dear"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"I can't find it."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"You look terrific."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
+10,000 Jokes