ID: 18149
Men / Women
'It is Christmas time and a man and a woman go out for a meal. After the first two courses, everything is well until the dessert. The man messes up and says something inappropriate to the woman while having their Christmas pudding. The woman walks away in anger. Then the man says, "Please don't desert me; this is our first date."'
ID: 2377
Men / Women
A small boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
ID: 7499
Men / Women
Think of the beat of the song walking in a winter wonderland while you are reading this...
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
ID: 282
Men / Women
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
ID: 2558
Men / Women
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
ID: 863
Men / Women
Men's Rules for Women
---------------------------
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3) Saturday = sports.
4) Crying is blackmail.
5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
9) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
10) Check your oil.
11) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
12) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.
13) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
14) Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, it's genetic.
15) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
17) ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
18) We are not mind readers and we never will be.
19) If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will believe you.
20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
21) You have enough clothes.
22) You have too many shoes.
23) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
24) BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
25) Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that - it's like camping.
ID: 1152
Men / Women
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support.
ID: 1605
Men / Women
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. "Whew," I thought, "got away with that one!"
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
ID: 1184
Men / Women
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie, so I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay; how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong, so I put her wedgie back."
+10,000 Jokes