ID: 3703
Men / Women
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner..... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No..I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."
ID: 3881
Men / Women
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
ID: 5972
Men / Women
If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?
ID: 4644
Men / Women
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
ID: 3880
Men / Women
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
ID: 4225
Men / Women
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are quite excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Many kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacies: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: Hesitates slightly but answers, "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely!"
Jacob: "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob turns and confers with his wife to be and then says to the pharmacist,
"We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
ID: 3270
Men / Women
Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.
She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
ID: 4396
Men / Women
A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously.
He says, "Single, huh?"
She replies coyly, "How did you guess?"
"Because," he says, "You're ugly."
ID: 5045
Men / Women
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud - $3.00
Two Aspirins - $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time........Priceless.
+10,000 Jokes