ID: 9816
Men / Women
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
ID: 4585
Men / Women
Dear __________________________,
   I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN!
__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
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Sincerely,
ID: 2593
Men / Women
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Cry. Cry often.
3. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
4. Make them apologize for everything.
5. Get mad at them for everything.
6. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
7. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.
8. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
9. Criticize the way they dress.
10. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7. Then compare and contrast.
ID: 2074
Men / Women
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
ID: 3738
Men / Women
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
ID: 6771
Men / Women
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
ID: 1684
Men / Women
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
ID: 1416
Men / Women
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
ID: 1597
Men / Women
A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mothers labor pains. They both agree and the delivery begins.
The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain. The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch. The husband still feels fine, so the doctor puts it up to 30%. The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%. The husband tells the doctor to go ahead and put it up to 100%. The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all.
They both go back home with their child, where they find the mailman dead on their steps!!!
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