ID: 2593
Men / Women
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Cry. Cry often.
3. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
4. Make them apologize for everything.
5. Get mad at them for everything.
6. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
7. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.
8. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
9. Criticize the way they dress.
10. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7. Then compare and contrast.
ID: 9861
Men / Women
What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.
ID: 10420
Men / Women
Ed and Ted went to the fair, where they came across a small crowd gathered around a stall. They decided to go over and take a look.
"What's going on?" Ed asked a person in the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said, nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can."
"I can do that," Ed said confidently.
"You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing."
"Watch this," said Ed and he climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.
"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Ted asked.
"Remember three months ago, when your wife had whooping cough...?"
ID: 9475
Men / Women
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
ID: 15885
Men / Women
Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.
Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," he swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
ID: 15271
Men / Women
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
ID: 15819
Men / Women
One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, "It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right."
ID: 14452
Men / Women
Man: Why do you have a steering wheel in your crotch?
Other Man: My wife was driving me nuts
ID: 15012
Men / Women
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."
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