ID: 12167
Men / Women
After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
ID: 14973
Men / Women
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see if she can get your husband out of jail."
ID: 10993
Men / Women
Why do men pick their noses while driving?
Because their butts are too hard to reach!
ID: 10546
Men / Women
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS!
ID: 8116
Men / Women
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
And doesn't mind admitting when he's wrong,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call,
he won't wait two weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed
& opens my door & begs to do more
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say when I ask,
"How Big is My Behind!?!"
One who will kiss me till my body's twitchin',
In the hall, the shower, the garden and the kitchen.
I pray this man will love me no end, and never
attempts to date my best friend.
And, as I kneel and pray by my bed ...
I look at the Butt Head you sent me instead!
~ Amen ~
ID: 11463
Men / Women
A man, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of a restroom facility but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked:
WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake soooo many men make, of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice!"
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He said the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
ID: 8519
Men / Women
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?" She replies, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!!"
ID: 13173
Men / Women
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow
ID: 10420
Men / Women
Ed and Ted went to the fair, where they came across a small crowd gathered around a stall. They decided to go over and take a look.
"What's going on?" Ed asked a person in the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said, nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can."
"I can do that," Ed said confidently.
"You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing."
"Watch this," said Ed and he climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.
"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Ted asked.
"Remember three months ago, when your wife had whooping cough...?"
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