ID: 1310
Men / Women
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked.
"Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
"But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used."
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."
ID: 3449
Men / Women
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped
ID: 4944
Men / Women
Strategic responses to the ever-dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:
"No, not to Stevie Wonder."
"No babe, you're not fat, you're fluffy."
"Does this tie make me look stupid?"
"No hablo ingles."
"If I answer that question, my life will be in danger."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
"May I consult a lawyer before answering that?"
"Look at your belt size honey, if it says 'equator' on the tag you know the answer."
ID: 4250
Men / Women
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: He jumped up and yelled, April Fools, ...And that's when I shot the little bastard.
ID: 3445
Men / Women
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
"I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' She always acts like she's sound asleep!"
ID: 7499
Men / Women
Think of the beat of the song walking in a winter wonderland while you are reading this...
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
ID: 3634
Men / Women
Joe's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Denise agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him, she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Denise" he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
ID: 3713
Men / Women
There is a man in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband "You need more tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, Honey. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
ID: 3701
Men / Women
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish...
"I'd like to give birth to twins".
+10,000 Jokes