ID: 15298
Men / Women
A woman and her lover are in bed, when there's a knock on the door.
She says, "It must be my husband! Ok, I'll handle this."
She grabs the trash bin, opens the door and, smiling sweetly, says to her husband, "Darling, please empty the trash."
While he is out, the other man escapes and walks back home.
He thinks, "She is sooo smart, unlike my wife."
He comes up to his door and knocks, his wife opens the door, and hands him the trash bin, saying, "Darling, please empty the trash bin."
He carries the basket, thinking, "What a stupid bitch! The whole damn day at home, and can't find some time to empty the trash!"
ID: 3197
Men / Women
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
When the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said.
"Madam, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location".
ID: 3918
Men / Women
Bill went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Bill's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, Bill went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Bill, "My friend, the cost of sending of a body back to the States for burial is very very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00 dollars."
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains, normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00 dollars. Bill thinks for some time and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price from $5.000.00 and $150.00 dollars."
"No, it's not that at all," says Bill. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person who was buried here in Jerusalem and on the third day He was resurrected. I don't want to take that chance!"
ID: 472
Men / Women
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did."
The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Finally, she says, "You."
ID: 1240
Men / Women
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.
He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"
ID: 1237
Men / Women
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
ID: 3857
Men / Women
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
ID: 659
Men / Women
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're all down here...."
ID: 3160
Men / Women
Ladies and gentlemen,
This five-letter-word little thing belongs to men, and no women. Some men have long ones, others shorter. It's straight in some men, and crooked in others. It may turn soft or hard in just a matter of seconds. Useless to some, it boasts manhood for others. Children wonder about it, young men are proud of it, while old men see their age in it. And whatever it is, some women love it, while others are afraid of it.
What is that darn thing anyway?
Scroll down for ANSWER
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beard, of course! what else? ;-)
+10,000 Jokes