ID: 17706
Men / Women
A heavy-set woman goes into a drug store and asks for talcum powder. The bowlegged clerk says, "Walk this way," and the woman answers, "If I could walk that way I would not need talcum powder!"
ID: 13247
Men / Women
An elderly man called 911 and said he thought his wife might be dead.
Operator: "MIGHT be dead? Sir, can't you tell if she is dead?"
Man: "I'm not quite sure."
Operator: "Well, what makes you THINK that she could be dead?"
Man: "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are beginning to pile up in the sink."
ID: 7807
Men / Women
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids", said the husband. "And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
ID: 10693
Men / Women
Once there was a guy who liked cheese.
ID: 10604
Men / Women
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom, on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet, and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out, sooner or later, that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed, saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife, so he walks into the bedroom, walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
ID: 8396
Men / Women
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
ID: 10628
Men / Women
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
ID: 14967
Men / Women
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The Trip to the Hospital
First child: Every time we felt the slightest B & H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.
Second child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
ID: 15750
Men / Women
There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman said - "I walked into my daughter's room and saw a razor on the floor. I didn't know she was old enough to shave."
The Irishman said - "That's nothing; I walked into my daughter's room and saw a tampax. I didn't know she was old enough to start her periods."
The Scottsman said - "Well, I walked into her room and saw a condom lying on the floor - I didn't know she had grown a cock!"
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