ID: 1241
Men / Women
One day an elderly couple was out for an afternoon drive and had to
stop for gas.
Attendant: " Would you like me to check the oil?"
Wife: "What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know if I want the oil checked."
Attendant: "Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?"
Wife: "What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up."
When the attendant heard them talking, he asked, "By the way,
where are you from?"
The husband replied, "We are from Nova Scotia."
"Ah," said the attendant. "Years ago I was in Nova Scotia and
had the worst love affair ever."
The wife said, "What did he say?"
Husband: "He thinks he knows you!"
ID: 16143
Men / Women
A husband and wife are walking down the High Street one evening, when the wife saw a beautiful diamond necklace in the jeweller's shop window.
"Oh," she exclaims, "I really would like that! Do you think you could get it for me?" With that, he looks around and finally locates a brick, which he promptly lobs through the window; he then grabs the necklace, and the two of them leg it.
"Oh, there was a lovely pair of earrings to match in the other window!" she says.
"What, do you think I'm MADE of bricks?" he exclaims.
ID: 15091
Men / Women
Marg and Sam invited a couple over for a evening of bridge.
"Sam," Marg said, "this is the last couple that will ever accept an invitation to come to our house. If you dare to do anything to offend them tonight, I will crucify you!"
After they played for a while, Marg went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. When she returned, she saw that Sam was sitting at the table by himself.
She put the tray down and said, "What did you do to run them off this time?"
"I didn't do anything," Sam replied. "We were just sitting here and a mouse ran across the floor. Sue looked at me and said that we can get rid of mice by shoving steel wool into their little holes. All I asked was, 'How do you hold their little feet?' They both got up and left."
ID: 14940
Men / Women
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green.
But when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time the cheap bastard will buy me a diamond!
ID: 14579
Men / Women
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
ID: 14042
Men / Women
A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl."
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, hon, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And what happened to my present?"
"What present?" she asked
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she said.
"Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!"
ID: 13865
Men / Women
Signs of Aging
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
ID: 14129
Men / Women
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
ID: 15583
Men / Women
How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.
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