ID: 6920
Men / Women
1st woman: I took my son to the zoo yesterday.
2nd woman: Did they accept him?
ID: 5079
Men / Women
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and how the letters are used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs . . .
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
ID: 4810
Men / Women
A handsome mid-age couple, John and Gail, like living in Texas. Even though they have lived in Texas most of their married life John never
had a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale at Sheplers one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Gail looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated John storms off in to the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Gail looks up and says, "John, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow.
Furious, John yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, GAIL? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Gail replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat."
ID: 5871
Men / Women
I have the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer.
I told her while I was indeed starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet.
She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket."
ID: 5505
Men / Women
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "Then where the hell were
you when I got married?"
ID: 762
Men / Women
A man has just been in a car accident and has severe brain damage. So his sister is called in to take care of his medical decisions. First off, the doctor decides the man needs a new brain since his is so badly damaged. So they need to go find a brain for the transplant.
They go down to the basement where all the brains are and there are 3 jars.
The doctor points to the first jar and says, "That brain belonged to a woman. It will cost your brother $20 a gram."
The doctor then points to the second jar, "That will cost you $40 a gram. It once belonged to one of our female doctors and she was quite a brilliant person."
The doctor then points to the third jar and says, "That is a brain that once belonged to a man. It costs $200 a gram."
The sister replies, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Are you joking!? Do you know how hard it is to find a gram of a male's brain??"
ID: 15973
Men / Women
Shakespeare:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her.
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient:
Ig you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.
Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....
Bill Gates:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free, She'll evolve.
Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.
Salesman:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show her the plan ....
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!
Physician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.
Mathematician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.
Nowadays' style:
If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL.
If you love someone
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???
CARELESS IDIOT!!!
ID: 1417
Men / Women
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
ID: 2803
Men / Women
A woman went to shop for a mirror when she chanced upon an expensive one. When she asked why, the salesman told her it was magical, that if you recited a rhyme in front of it, your wishes would come true. The woman bought it and hung it on the door at home.
Mirror Mirror on the door
Make my busts a forty-four
The woman instantly had a huge chest. She told her husband but he was in doubt. He went to the mirror then and said:
Mirror Mirror on the door
Make my penis hit the floor
His legs were missing, leaving stumps mid-thigh.
+10,000 Jokes