ID: 3365
Men / Women
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah,
NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!
ID: 15885
Men / Women
Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.
Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," he swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
ID: 16891
Men / Women
A lady goes to a menswear shop to buy clothes for her husband. When she finds the clothes she likes she goes up to the counter and says, "I would like to buy these please." The man at the counter says, "Certainly, but you must sign this form." The lady says "Why?" but the man ignores her. The form reads as follows:
Title: _____ Full Name: _______________________
She fills it in like this:
Title: Ms Full Name: Jenny Hollows
The man at the counter asks, "What does the 'Ms' mean? Does it mean you are divorced?" and the woman responds with, "It is non specific. It is none of your business if I am divorced or not!" The man says "Wow! Men should get one like that!"
ID: 17072
Men / Women
A vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
ID: 16313
Men / Women
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000, you get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born - then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I've got."
ID: 16039
Men / Women
Wife: One more word, and I will go back to my mother!
Husband: Taxi!
ID: 18052
Men / Women
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane... The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?"
The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure... So what is it?"
"Your eyes, idiot!"
ID: 16355
Men / Women
What do you call an intelligent, good looking and sensitive man?
A rumour
ID: 16602
Men / Women
If you do not want to say you're a guy, do not read this joke. (I do not know if this is funny)
Instructions: At the end of each sentence say "I'm a Guy"
You meet this hot girl.
(I'm a Guy)
You ask her out.
(I'm a Guy)
You take her to the movies.
(I'm a Guy)
You buy her popcorn.
(I'm a Guy)
She asks you over.
(I'm a Guy)
When she closes the door she whispers in your ear.
I'M A GUY!!!!!!!!!
+10,000 Jokes