ID: 13981
Men / Women
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown up daughter,
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law,
And changed my very life;
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me pride and joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he is my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown up daughter
Who, of course, was my step mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own GRANDPA!
ID: 17851
Men / Women
An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: "Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?"
"I just go and clean the toilet," his wife replied.
"How does that help?" asked her husband.
"I use your toothbrush."
ID: 15638
Men / Women
A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
ID: 14417
Men / Women
Online dating is huge now. Everyone from EHarmony to Match.com have been benefitting from the surge in personals. But impersonal nature of online personals need a little clarifying. Below you'll find a guide to better enable yourself "Find That Special Someone"
Female
Beautiful Bulgarian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Ukranian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Romanian girl = I need a green card....possibly a gypsy
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = a really good lay
Athletic = No tits
Spends too much time at work / Work Hard = I'm cheating on you and we haven't even met
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Takes a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure = On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie / Hippie
Hopeless romantic = Wants a Ring
Friendship first = Former slut
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
very goal oriented = She wants to wear the pants
BA in psychology = I will be single forever
Sensitive Girl = Insecure
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Old-fashioned = No Blow Jobs
Looking For A Man with ambition = Golddigger
Mentions the word "Love" in any way shape or form = clingy
Honest Eyes = I'll cheat on you and you'll never know....hehehehe
Family is important to me = Father Issues
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Average looking = Ugly
Spontaneous = Will Have Sex Anywhere
Looking for a cowboy! = Take me....Take me nowwwwww!
low maintenance girl = not very attractive and probably athletic = no tits no looks
Fun-loving girl = gives it up a lot
For a guy to make me laugh = depressed probably medicated
Honest, intelligent, funny and just down to earth = probably none of the above
Spiritual = a witch, possibly a vegetarian
Voluptuous = Possibly Fat
Large frame = One Large Woman
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
Looking for a nice guy = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
No Baby Daddy Drama = Baby Daddy Drama (Look out!)
30-ish = 35-45
40-ish = 49-54
Chivalry should not be dead! There's something to be said about how our parents courted = Princess....Only Child
Very social = keep your good-looking friend away from this one
I've been called a keeper = only calls herself a keeper
Male
Looking for a nice girl = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
Ambitious = Rich
Family is important to me = Mother Issues
Old fashioned gentleman = Oldddd. Really Olddddddd
Renowned Psycologist = You'll be on medication inside of a week
I've been called a keeper = only calls himself a keeper
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Adventurous & Open-minded = Swinger, possibly bi
I want you to want me = Knows at least one song from the 80s
Charming European accent = I will cheat on you, but its okay I have a Charming European accent
"Bad boys need love too" = maybe a good lay, possibly has herpes
(wickedly sarcastic) sense of humor = Will tell you your ugly and think its funny
Big Teddy Bear = Really Really Big
Lets go on a magic carpet ride = On the Sexual Offender list....check local website first
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Exceptional = Probably average at best
Look here! = You probably don't want to look there
Moved back after a long time = I'm 30 and I live with my parents
Voluptuous = Sex Change... Tranvestite
No Baby Mama Drama = Baby Mama Drama (Look out!)
I work at Budweiser = Un-employed
I like to watch movies = Can't dance to save my life
Out going, Independent Guy = Will not come home at night
looking for the ms right = Mr. Wrong
Adam looking for Eve = Bible Study begins at 8pm
Tall guy = Big Schlong
Sensitive Guy = Gay
I cried watching the movie "Titanic" = Gay
Searching for Treasure = "Let me guess it's around a female's chest!"
Smart and quiet guy = "One Day I will be the Uni-Bomber"....don't look in my basement
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = Really Really Really Gay
I don't have an intro line = Not very interesting
Soccer fanatic = White, preppy, possibly a snob
Has no shirt in online personal pic = I'm masterbating right now
Just want to meet good women = probably doesn't deserve one woman
A man seeking sexy playmate = Has a lot of $1 bills
ID: 17938
Men / Women
Guide - I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. This is the world's biggest waterfall and the sound intensity of the waterfalls is so high that even 20 supersonic jet planes passing by cannot be heard.
Now, I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls!
ID: 15879
Men / Women
"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." ~ Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Tom Clancy
"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams
ID: 14073
Men / Women
A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in-law, "We haven't made love in a long time."
So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should try that."
She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, "What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife.
"Well," responds the husband, "it needs to be ironed."
ID: 16896
Men / Women
At the end of a hard year's work, Bobby decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity - the ship sinks and Bobby ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts. Still, these are better than starving to death.
Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, "Hi."
He can't believe his luck. He replies, "Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here? What's your name?"
"Hold on," she says, "one question at a time. I landed on the other side of this island about 10 weeks ago when my cruise liner sank. I've just rowed here from the other side. Oh, and my name is Hannah."
"That's amazing, Hannah," he says. "My name is Bobby. You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies Hannah, "I made it myself out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars are made from pine tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But where did you get the tools from?" he asks.
"Oh, I made the tools myself," replies Hannah. "I found an unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock which I heated in my kiln. It melted into a soft iron-like material which I used to make the tools which in turn I used to make the boat."
Bobby is silent. He can't believe her skills. "If it's OK with you, why don't I now row you to my place?" she says.
Bobby just nods his acceptance.
It takes Hannah just ten minutes to row to her place. As they near the shore, Bobby is surprised to see a stone walkway leading up to a very smart sky blue bungalow. Hannah ties up her boat at a small jetty using a hand made flaxen rope, and they enter the bungalow.
"It's not really much," says Hannah, "but to me, Bobby, it's home. Please sit down and I'll get you a drink."
"No thanks," Bobby replies, "I just couldn't drink any more coconut juice."
"But you don't have to have coconut juice," says Hannah, "How about a Pina Colada? I've made a still." As they sit down on her hand made couch drinking their Pina Coladas, Bobby looks around and is amazed at what Hannah has achieved in such a short time. After a while, Hannah gets up and says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. While you're waiting, why don't you take a shower and then have a shave? You'll find a razor in the bathroom cabinet."
Bobby goes into the bathroom and runs his bath. It even has hot water from a kind of thermal heating device Hannah has rigged up. After his bath, he goes to the wooden cabinet and finds a razor made of shells roped together inside a swivel mechanism. While he's having an excellent shave, Bobby thinks, "Hannah is unbelievable, truly amazing - whatever will I discover next? She can do anything."
When he returns, Hannah greets him wearing only a few carefully placed vine leaves and smelling of honeysuckle - she looks utterly fantastic. Hanna beckons Bobby to sit next to her, which he does. Hannah smiles at Bobby in a seductive manner and slithers up closer to him.
"Bobby," she says, staring into his eyes, "we've both been out here for 10 weeks. Now you've found me, is there something you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all these weeks. You know..."
Bobby can't believe it. "You mean - I can check my e-mails from here?"
ID: 17803
Men / Women
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big
ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too . . . I dreamt they were
auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
+10,000 Jokes