ID: 3654
Men / Women
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
ID: 9196
Men / Women
Can a mane date the sister of his widow?
No, because you can't date when you are dead.
ID: 9662
Men / Women
1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have...
2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you...
3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later...
4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation?
5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies...
6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway...
7. Gobble the last slice of pizza without having to go through the 'No you have it, no really... Are you sure you don't mind...?
8. Walk about the house naked, without having to hold any bits in...
9. Have friends of the opposite sex. After marriage, it's too much effort to keep saying: "No, I really don't fancy them"...
10. Men: Enjoy that wardrobe space while you can! You will not believe the vast number of shoes that one woman needs...
11. Women: Fill in silly magazine quizzes with titles like 'Are You Seductive', without having to listen to loud laughter from your partner (who then runs off with the magazine)...
12. Men: Get rid of anything inflatable and female-shaped...
13. Relish clipping your toenails straight onto the carpet...
14. Remember that your best option with in-laws is to marry an orphan...
ID: 14368
Men / Women
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
ID: 9816
Men / Women
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
ID: 7827
Men / Women
A woman goes into Wal- Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the cash register . A Wal - Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on.
She says," Excuse me , sir , can you tell me any thing about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everthing about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him , but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "The rod and reel is $20."
She says," That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her; being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says,"That will be $25.50."
"But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
"Yes , ma'am. The rod and reel is $ 20.00,
the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
ID: 10047
Men / Women
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
ID: 7580
Men / Women
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!
ID: 8396
Men / Women
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
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