ID: 8785
Men / Women
There was once an extremely wealthy woman who had reached the age of "over 50" without ever having a boyfriend, let alone a date or sex. She determined to catch up with the rest of the world and set her lawyer & accountants to find her the perfect man to share her life & money.
Her requirements were: he must be handsome, intelligent, athletic and above all he must be a virgin.
The lawyer & accountants started a world-wide search to fulfill her request, and after almost a year found the perfect candidate in the wilds of Australia. He was everything their client wanted and had never even seen a woman.
After much convincing, the groom was put on a jet to meet the bride. It was love at first sight for the woman & the nuptials took place almost immediately.
The bride shyly removed to the bathroom after excusing herself to her new husband. When she returned to the bedroom a few minutes later, she found him naked in the center of the room with all the furniture pushed back against the walls.
When she inquired the groom stated: " I don't know squat about women, but if they're anything like kangaroos.....we're going to need all the room we can get."
ID: 13864
Men / Women
Signs of Aging
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than
romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
ID: 10899
Men / Women
A man is running out of his large office building when his boss spots him and asks him what he is doing.
The man replies, "My wife called me and she says she is going to jump out our window and commit suicide."
The boss realizes that this is a good excuse, but says, "Well, by the time you get home, won't it be too late?"
The man says, "Nah, I'm just going to open the window for her."
ID: 10797
Men / Women
A guy goes into a diner, and when the waitress comes over to take his order, he says, "I want eggs, toast, and coffee. But make the eggs uncooked, the toast burnt, and the coffee really strong and bad. And I want you to slam the food onto the table and yell at me."
The waitress says "Why would you want me to something like that?"
He replies, "I'm homesick."
ID: 12325
Men / Women
There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.
A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.
They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.
They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes...seen plane crash".
When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!"
The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!"
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!"
Finally, another rescuer had to ask, "Did you..you know...eat their...things?"
The cheif says, "NO, you idiot!... Even cannibals know that THINGS go better with Coke!"
ID: 12396
Men / Women
Three guys, who had all died around the same time at about the same place, were waiting to take their place in Heaven. They were told by the angel that there was room for only one of them in Heaven. Their fate would be determined by the way each of them had died, so the angel went to each man and asked how they had died.
The first guy, when approached, said:
"Well, I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building and I came home early from work because I suspected that my wife had been cheating on me, and I wanted to give the other man a piece of my mind. However, when I got home there was no one in the apartment aside from my wife, but my intuition told me otherwise, so I searched the apartment. When I came to my balcony, ready the commit suicide, I saw a man hanging on, at that point I was so angry at him that I stepped on his hands hoping he'd fall off, but he remained firm. So I went back inside and got a hammer and hit his hands, but he still didn't fall off. In my frustration I went in the kitchen and got the refrigerator, flinging myself, the refrigerator, and him down 14 floors. And that is how I died."
The second guy said:
"I am a window washer and was cleaning the windows on the 17 story when my cart broke and I began falling. Luckily I was able to grab onto the 14th story balcony, when this guy comes. I was so relieved thinking I'd be rescued, when instead, he starts stepping on my hands, but I refused to fall and die so I put all my energy into staying on. Then the guy goes back inside and comes back with a hammer and starts hitting my hands again, but I refused to let go. Finally the guy goes back inside and flings himself and refrigerator on me. And that is how I died."
The third guy said:
"Well, I was in this lady's aparment and we were making out on the couch, and things were heating up until her husband comes home early. I quickly hid in the refrigerator, and that's all I remember."
Who do you think went to Heaven?
ID: 12526
Men / Women
An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it:
"Woman without her man is nothing."
MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing.
WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
ID: 10688
Men / Women
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
ID: 12116
Men / Women
Mr. and Mrs. Wong are a married couple who live in China. After being married for three years, they decided to have a baby. They ended up having a baby girl with mental disabilities. They named her 'Somting Wong'.
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