ID: 7580
Men / Women
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!
ID: 16245
Men / Women
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.
"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 232-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said,
"Does this mean you're not coming over?"
ID: 16078
Men / Women
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, He'll have a cheeseburger," Hillary replies.
ID: 15973
Men / Women
Shakespeare:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her.
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient:
Ig you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.
Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....
Bill Gates:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free, She'll evolve.
Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.
Salesman:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show her the plan ....
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!
Physician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.
Mathematician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.
Nowadays' style:
If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL.
If you love someone
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???
CARELESS IDIOT!!!
ID: 17967
Men / Women
Honest to God true story.
Wife (yelling from upstairs): Honey, I'm naked and the dog is loose in the front yard!
Husband (downstairs): Hold on, I'll be right up!
She didn't appreciate the humor.
ID: 16592
Men / Women
A businessman boarded a plane and sat next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah said. "It's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr Egoheimer."
ID: 16445
Men / Women
At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.
The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?"
The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband.
He said, "Yeah, she's probably right!"
ID: 16313
Men / Women
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000, you get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born - then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I've got."
ID: 16848
Men / Women
Elsie walked into a print lab to have a photo of her deceased husband copied and retouched.
She said to the technician, "I have always hated the hat that my husband is wearing in the photo. Could you please retouch the hat out?" "Of course," said the technician; "what colour hair did your husband have?"
"When you take the hat off, you'll see," she said.
+10,000 Jokes