ID: 17126
Men / Women
Joe figured out a way to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist and told him to send flowers to his wife on those dates, along with a note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by the attention, and all was great until one anniversary. Joe came home, saw the bouquet, kissed his wife, and said, "Nice flowers. Where'd you get them?"
ID: 14969
Men / Women
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut
First child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.
Third child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.
Fourth child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.
ID: 14889
Men / Women
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.
"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
ID: 14854
Men / Women
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.
Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
She became annoyed, as she now had a new boyfriend, and she wanted to get him off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, was pissed, so what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
ID: 14616
Men / Women
A man into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints; the guy has a 18 inch cock.
She says, "Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,
but you're not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants, picks up his $50, and says, "Screw that, I can do that myself!"
ID: 13865
Men / Women
Signs of Aging
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
ID: 15005
Men / Women
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
ID: 15082
Men / Women
Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. "Yes," God said. "I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?" "Yes," Virgin Mary said. "And remember to call me every night," God said, before Virgin Mary left.
So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "Hello, it´s Virgin Mary here ... I'm sorry to tell you, but I am a bit drunk ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me?" asked Virgin Mary. "Yes I will. Now stay clear of drugs and men, will you? And call me tomorrow," said God.
The following night, the phone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "It´s Virgin Mary here. I'm sorry to say, but I'm a bit high ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me?" asked Virgin Mary. "Yes I will. Now stay clear of men, will you? And call me tomorrow," God said.
The next night, the phone rang in Heaven. God answered, "Heaven."
"It's Mary here," said the voice on the other end.
ID: 13864
Men / Women
Signs of Aging
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than
romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
+10,000 Jokes