ID: 15405
Men / Women
A young priest has just left the seminary and been sent to his first parish to work alongside an old experienced priest Father Brown.
When he arrives the old priest welcomes him with open arms, explaining that he has been working alone and hasn't had a day off in years. He asks the new priest to take confesson so that he can have a break.
The young priest is very nervous as he hasn't done it for real before.
The old priest explains that it's easy as he has produced a tariff, and he gives him the list:
Telling lies - one Hail Mary;
Stealing - one Our Father;
etc;
etc.
So the young priest goes into the confessional and everything seems to be going okay.
"Father, I have told a lie," - one Hail Mary
"Father, I have stolen," - one Our Father
The next sinner is a bit of a problem:
"Father, I have performed oral sex."
He looks down the list and it's not included.
In panic he opens the door and is relieved to see the housekeeper doing a bit of dusting on the other side of the church.
"Mrs Doyle," he shouts, "do you know what Father Brown gives for oral sex?"
"Two pounds, if I take my teeth out" she shouts back.
ID: 7807
Men / Women
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids", said the husband. "And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
ID: 13018
Men / Women
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: (1)No mind (2)No business
ID: 8413
Men / Women
If a man is in a forest, talking to himself, with no women around, is he still wrong?
If a woman is in a forest, talking to herself, with no
man around, is she still complaining?
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Did you know that the shortest sentence in the
English language is "I am"?
Did you know that the longest sentence is
"I do"?
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Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it,
chances are that you won't either.
ID: 12488
Men / Women
A man woke up on his birthday and went downstairs expecting his wife to say "Happy Birthday" and to give him a nice breakfast. He found that his wife wasn't home and that no breakfast was made. He got a little upset as he drove his kid to school. The whole trip to school was silent. The man got more upset that nobody had remembered his birthday. After he dropped his kid off, he went to work. At work he was greeted by a friendly female co-worker. She said "Happy Birthday" to him and it made him smile. He told her that nobody had remembered his birthday so she suggested that the two of them go out to eat together to brighten him up. They sat down and ate at a nice resturaunt and afterwards she suggested that they go to her place. The man agreed and when they got there she told him that she was going to slip into something a little more comfortable. A few minutes later she came out of her room dressed exactly the same and she was followed by the man's wife and friends all saying surprise. The man was sitting there, naked, on the couch...
ID: 11663
Men / Women
Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?
Husband: Darling, of course I do...
ID: 9868
Men / Women
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
ID: 10236
Men / Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
ID: 9258
Men / Women
A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging.
He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?"
The robber replies, "Yes your honor."
The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?"
"Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber.
The judge checks with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!"
"Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."
+10,000 Jokes