ID: 2425
Men / Women
Woman: Honey, do you love me?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do I look fat in this?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Did you enjoy the meal?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight?
Woman: Sure Honey!
Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
ID: 13658
Men / Women
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O' Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Five more good leads!"
ID: 15171
Men / Women
And God created woman and she had three breasts. God then asked the woman, "Is there anything you would like to have changed?"
"Yes," the woman replied. "Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done.
Holding the third breast in her hand, the woman exclaimed, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
ID: 8566
Men / Women
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Barbeque, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"
And, I went to a real rodeo... Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full-grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
ID: 7572
Men / Women
If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say:
"Come on back and take yo space,
'cuz if you break my heart again,
I'll break yo face".
ID: 7957
Men / Women
Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH
PROFESSOR:
You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well,
here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually
turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name
deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
In class assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem
story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the assignment as submitted by
Rebecca & Gary:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,
Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing
War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The
dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of
the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
ID: 8987
Men / Women
There once was a girl named Ann Hyser
Who claimed that no man could surprise her.
But old Pabst made a push
at the Schlitz in her Busch
and now she is sadder Budweiser!
*This joke was made by Bill Klompus* Go Bill!!
ID: 7899
Men / Women
The mood of a woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The moods of a man!
Hungry!
Horny!
Sleepy!
ID: 7825
Men / Women
A gay couple (of guys) and a lesbian couple decide to leave from New York to Miami at the same time. The two couples are neighbors and they plan on driving the same route. so the question is who gets to Miami first?
Why the lesbians of course!
They go lickety split while the guys are still at home packin'.
+10,000 Jokes