ID: 3160
Men / Women
Ladies and gentlemen,
This five-letter-word little thing belongs to men, and no women. Some men have long ones, others shorter. It's straight in some men, and crooked in others. It may turn soft or hard in just a matter of seconds. Useless to some, it boasts manhood for others. Children wonder about it, young men are proud of it, while old men see their age in it. And whatever it is, some women love it, while others are afraid of it.
What is that darn thing anyway?
Scroll down for ANSWER
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
beard, of course! what else? ;-)
ID: 13857
Men / Women
Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons:
A man from Conneticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read "I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven o'clock on Channel 2."
A housewife filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband was having an affair. The woman became suspicious when every time the phone rang, her myna bird spouted things like "Divorce," "I love you" and "Be patient."
ID: 17072
Men / Women
A vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
ID: 15212
Men / Women
Marriage
"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner
ID: 15131
Men / Women
One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
However, things were different the following year.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
ID: 14902
Men / Women
CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."
ID: 14969
Men / Women
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut
First child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.
Third child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.
Fourth child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.
ID: 15173
Men / Women
This is an actual chatroom conversation from a "local Chatroom"
Joe: I wonder what would happen if you had a sleep number bed, and set it to 69?
Christy: ? huh?
Mike: I dont know, but it sure sounds tasty!
Joe: You probably wouldn't understand Christy, you're too pure and innocent.
Christy: Maybe... sounds more like a police code or something
Mike: lol, ya, that's it. "This is the dispatcher, what is your status"
Joe: lol "We have a 69 in progress at the overpass, Officer needs assistance"
Mike: "Move in! Move in! Officer has gone down, repeat, Officer has gone down!
Joe: "Someone better call the fire department, looks like we'll need the Jaws of Life for this one!"
Christy: um.. why do i get the feeling i've started something horrible? o.O
ID: 15386
Men / Women
Man
A remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.
Woman
Creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does.
People
Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
Optimist
Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
Pessimist
Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.
+10,000 Jokes