ID: 725
Men / Women
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (take at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
ID: 9868
Men / Women
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
ID: 10936
Men / Women
Once I asked a guy, " Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?"
ID: 7956
Men / Women
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
ID: 14428
Men / Women
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
-What do you mean today's our anniversary?
-I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
-Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
-The new girl in my office is a stripper...I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
-Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
-I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
-I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
-That was a great fart! Do another one!
-God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
-I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
-Can we not talk to each other tonight?
-I'd rather just watch TV.
-It's way tooo biggg, that'll never fit in my tight.....
-Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
-I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
-And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
-Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
-Dammit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
-Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I'm not here.
-That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
-Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie
-I'm tired of cuddling. !
-You're so sexy when you're hungover.
-I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
-No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
-Your mother is way better than mine.
-I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
-Hey you, pull my finger!
-Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
-I think hairy butts are really sexy.
-Let's subscribe to PLAYBOY!
-I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
-Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
-I'm wrong. You must be right again.
ID: 7953
Men / Women
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
ID: 15994
Men / Women
I. Why does a man wants to have a WIFE?
Because: W = Washing I = Ironing F = Food E = Entertainment.
Why does a woman wants to have a HUSBAND?
Because: H = Housing U = Understanding S = Sharing B = Buying A = and N = Never D = Demanding.
II. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring Beer.
III. How To Impress A Man:
Trust him, cook at least 3 meals a day, go shopping often, don't ask him for the money, smile when you are mad, give him your paychecks, talk softly, don't ask where he is on Friday/Saturday/Sunday, love him, always say 'Yes dear', believe in his gambling, iron his clothes, polish his shoes, clean the house, know many recipes, pretend you enjoy beer/wine, be independent, wear Victoria's Secret clothes
How To Impress A Women
Make money & give her the money!
IV. Women's English...
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead!
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
ID: 14973
Men / Women
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see if she can get your husband out of jail."
ID: 14493
Men / Women
A son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
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