ID: 18196
Men / Women
(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)
Me: "Anything else?"
Customer: "Can you break a $100 bill?"
Me: "Actually, I can't. We just opened and I haven't gone to the bank today."
Customer: "Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!"
(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he's buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)
Me: "Sir, these aren't for you, are they?"
Customer: "No."
Me: "Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?"
Customer: "Yes."
Me: "For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you're in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!"
(The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)
ID: 3829
Men / Women
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
ID: 3681
Men / Women
Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!
ID: 2841
Men / Women
A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man.
ID: 3346
Men / Women
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.
Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.
Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.
Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?
Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.
Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.
Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary.
ID: 1617
Men / Women
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"
She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"
ID: 2346
Men / Women
- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"
- "Been there, slain that."
- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"
- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."
- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."
- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chamber floor."
- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."
- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"
- "Your hovel or mine?"
- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldst thou like to see my long sword in action?"
- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"
- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."
- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."
- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."
- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."
- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"
- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"
- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!!"
- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"
- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it."
- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"
- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Rapunzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."
- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."
- "C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away."
- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"
ID: 3314
Men / Women
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch."
"But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
ID: 3634
Men / Women
Joe's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Denise agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him, she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Denise" he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
+10,000 Jokes