ID: 14417
Men / Women
Online dating is huge now. Everyone from EHarmony to Match.com have been benefitting from the surge in personals. But impersonal nature of online personals need a little clarifying. Below you'll find a guide to better enable yourself "Find That Special Someone"
Female
Beautiful Bulgarian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Ukranian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Romanian girl = I need a green card....possibly a gypsy
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = a really good lay
Athletic = No tits
Spends too much time at work / Work Hard = I'm cheating on you and we haven't even met
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Takes a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure = On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie / Hippie
Hopeless romantic = Wants a Ring
Friendship first = Former slut
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
very goal oriented = She wants to wear the pants
BA in psychology = I will be single forever
Sensitive Girl = Insecure
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Old-fashioned = No Blow Jobs
Looking For A Man with ambition = Golddigger
Mentions the word "Love" in any way shape or form = clingy
Honest Eyes = I'll cheat on you and you'll never know....hehehehe
Family is important to me = Father Issues
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Average looking = Ugly
Spontaneous = Will Have Sex Anywhere
Looking for a cowboy! = Take me....Take me nowwwwww!
low maintenance girl = not very attractive and probably athletic = no tits no looks
Fun-loving girl = gives it up a lot
For a guy to make me laugh = depressed probably medicated
Honest, intelligent, funny and just down to earth = probably none of the above
Spiritual = a witch, possibly a vegetarian
Voluptuous = Possibly Fat
Large frame = One Large Woman
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
Looking for a nice guy = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
No Baby Daddy Drama = Baby Daddy Drama (Look out!)
30-ish = 35-45
40-ish = 49-54
Chivalry should not be dead! There's something to be said about how our parents courted = Princess....Only Child
Very social = keep your good-looking friend away from this one
I've been called a keeper = only calls herself a keeper
Male
Looking for a nice girl = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
Ambitious = Rich
Family is important to me = Mother Issues
Old fashioned gentleman = Oldddd. Really Olddddddd
Renowned Psycologist = You'll be on medication inside of a week
I've been called a keeper = only calls himself a keeper
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Adventurous & Open-minded = Swinger, possibly bi
I want you to want me = Knows at least one song from the 80s
Charming European accent = I will cheat on you, but its okay I have a Charming European accent
"Bad boys need love too" = maybe a good lay, possibly has herpes
(wickedly sarcastic) sense of humor = Will tell you your ugly and think its funny
Big Teddy Bear = Really Really Big
Lets go on a magic carpet ride = On the Sexual Offender list....check local website first
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Exceptional = Probably average at best
Look here! = You probably don't want to look there
Moved back after a long time = I'm 30 and I live with my parents
Voluptuous = Sex Change... Tranvestite
No Baby Mama Drama = Baby Mama Drama (Look out!)
I work at Budweiser = Un-employed
I like to watch movies = Can't dance to save my life
Out going, Independent Guy = Will not come home at night
looking for the ms right = Mr. Wrong
Adam looking for Eve = Bible Study begins at 8pm
Tall guy = Big Schlong
Sensitive Guy = Gay
I cried watching the movie "Titanic" = Gay
Searching for Treasure = "Let me guess it's around a female's chest!"
Smart and quiet guy = "One Day I will be the Uni-Bomber"....don't look in my basement
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = Really Really Really Gay
I don't have an intro line = Not very interesting
Soccer fanatic = White, preppy, possibly a snob
Has no shirt in online personal pic = I'm masterbating right now
Just want to meet good women = probably doesn't deserve one woman
A man seeking sexy playmate = Has a lot of $1 bills
ID: 3654
Men / Women
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
ID: 2377
Men / Women
A small boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
ID: 1172
Men / Women
In order to be a guy, a guy must follow the following rules at all times without question:
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The maximum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.
Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
Finally...Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
ID: 15095
Men / Women
"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live," a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. "My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed."
The husband raised his head and replied, "Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!"
ID: 1134
Men / Women
Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)
1. Combatting stupidity
2. You too can do housework
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us
money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life; learn to cook
10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling: Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You: The weaker sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake in public
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too
29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")
32. Changing your underwear: It really works
33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary
35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work
ID: 1277
Men / Women
There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun, and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left.
One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night. The first young man drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer liked this guy, and let him leave with his daughter.
Shortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch. "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer liked this guy too, and let him leave with his second daughter.
Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.
ID: 14414
Men / Women
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.
What do toys and womens breasts have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.
What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
Monkeys and girls both are same.
They fight only for bananas. Boys and rats are same; they search only for holes.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
Why do women talk so much?
Because they have two sets of lips.
What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
Why is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do as she's told.
Why are wives like condoms?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.
Why do women love orgasms?
Because it gives them another reason to moan.
What is a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How are women like parking spaces?
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
What do girls and camels have in common?
They both have camel toes.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
Why is our salary like a women's period?
It comes once in a month,lasts only for four or five days and if any month it does not come it means your fucked.
Women are like orange juice cartons.
It's not the shape or size or even how sweet the juice is; its getting those damn flaps open.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
What does the woman who just got out of an abusive relationship do?
It better be the damn dishes!
ID: 15890
Men / Women
This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in [brackets] for clarity.
Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506
Injuries: 2 Fatal.
The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]
The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:
The pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and co-pilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure. [The lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, over-stressing the wing and leading to a crash.]
+10,000 Jokes