ID: 9394
Men / Women
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
ID: 13997
Men / Women
After everything I say I want you to say "I am a Man."
You go to a bar.
I am a man
You see a girl and go meet her
I am a man
You take her home
I am a man
You get in bed with her
I am a man
She whispers in you ear
I am a man
(This is very funny when saying it out loud with a friend. Instruct them to say "I am a man." after each line you say.)
ID: 11179
Men / Women
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
ID: 8785
Men / Women
There was once an extremely wealthy woman who had reached the age of "over 50" without ever having a boyfriend, let alone a date or sex. She determined to catch up with the rest of the world and set her lawyer & accountants to find her the perfect man to share her life & money.
Her requirements were: he must be handsome, intelligent, athletic and above all he must be a virgin.
The lawyer & accountants started a world-wide search to fulfill her request, and after almost a year found the perfect candidate in the wilds of Australia. He was everything their client wanted and had never even seen a woman.
After much convincing, the groom was put on a jet to meet the bride. It was love at first sight for the woman & the nuptials took place almost immediately.
The bride shyly removed to the bathroom after excusing herself to her new husband. When she returned to the bedroom a few minutes later, she found him naked in the center of the room with all the furniture pushed back against the walls.
When she inquired the groom stated: " I don't know squat about women, but if they're anything like kangaroos.....we're going to need all the room we can get."
ID: 16012
Men / Women
I had been seeing David for a couple of months; he and I both had children from previous marriages. My daughter Amanda has a slight learning disability and is very outspoken. She just tells it like it is and if you don't like it ... oh well. We were all at David's house, sitting on the porch, talking about all the weird things our children do. Not to be outdone, Amanda says, "Oh, you say *we* are weird? Well, Mom, who chased me around the house the other night with her teeth out?" See, I had planned to tell David that I had false teeth, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. After I turned 40 shades of red, he looked at me and smiled. "Don't worry," he said, "I still love you." Still, I felt really bad because he'd said the first thing he noticed about me was my beautiful smile!
ID: 7572
Men / Women
If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say:
"Come on back and take yo space,
'cuz if you break my heart again,
I'll break yo face".
ID: 14368
Men / Women
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
ID: 15595
Men / Women
A man was walking along the beach when he saw bottle. Curious, he picked it up and was wiping the sand off it when out came a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
The man couldn't believe it. "First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof! The genie handed the man a piece of paper with his account information on it.
"Next, I want to be the smartest man in the world."
Poof! The man instantly became smart.
"Now, I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! The man was changed into a huge box of chocolates.
ID: 14088
Men / Women
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
+10,000 Jokes