ID: 1182
Men / Women
-Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
-Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
-Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
-Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
-Good girls wax their floors.
-Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
-Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
-Bad girls know they could do it better.
-Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
-Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
-Good girls wear high heels to work.
-Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
-Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...''
-Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
ID: 722
Men / Women
The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant..
I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador Retriever.
ID: 9654
Men / Women
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: ."You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.
ID: 282
Men / Women
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
ID: 3654
Men / Women
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
ID: 1583
Men / Women
Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long?
A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.
ID: 4792
Men / Women
Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she got comfortable, the doorbell rang. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, and went to the door.
A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. She slammed the door in his face and returned to her bath.
The doorbell rang again. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, slipped on a wet spot, and hit her back against the tub.
She struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining her, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you just go home and take a nice hot bath?"
ID: 472
Men / Women
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did."
The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Finally, she says, "You."
ID: 5807
Men / Women
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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