ID: 2652
Men / Women
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
ID: 17968
Men / Women
I just wrote this out of boredom. I do not care what you think. If you think this bad, I can't help but say, "Go fuck yourself".
A couple had been fighting for quite a while. The husband is just craving for sex. One night when they're in bed:
Husband: You know, it's fun.
Wife: Huh?
Husband: It's fun!
Wife: What? What's up with you all of a sudden? What's fun?
Husband: It's fun!
Wife: What is?
Husband: IT'S fun!
Wife: Grrr. Fuck you!
Husband: YEAH, THAT!
ID: 1717
Men / Women
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
ID: 6797
Men / Women
One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan.
When he woke he asked, "What the hell was that for?!?"
"I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!?" she asks.
"Aww honey, that's the name of the horse I was bettin' on last week!"
"Oh I'm so sorry honey!"
Three weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, "What the hell did I do this time?!?"
"Your horse called," she replied.
ID: 4385
Men / Women
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted.
ID: 787
Men / Women
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
ID: 7498
Men / Women
I know this isn't really a joke but I thought it was so funny that I wanted to share it with everyone...
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
ID: 1607
Men / Women
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
ID: 1227
Men / Women
A man and his wife are in bed getting hot and heavy when the wife just pushes him away and says, "No, actually I don't feel like sex tonight. Could you just hold me?"
The man very mad says, "What?! Why the hell can't we have sex??"
The woman replies, "This is so typical, you have no idea what it's like to be a women! You just don't understand me!" And she turns over and goes to sleep.
The next day the man tells his wife he is so sorry and to make up for his mistakes they are going to the mall.
So the man takes her to the clothing department of a very expensive store and has her try on outfits. She can't decide which one she likes, so the man tells her to take them all. She jumps up and down and hugs him. Then they go over to the jewelry department, The woman sees a nice pair of diamond earrings but the husband says the price isn't right. It's too low, so he gives her a tennis bracelet worth twice the amount of the earrings.
Thinking she's had enough of shopping the man goes to the till.
The man goes up to the cashier and gives her all the items, and says, "We've changed our minds. Could you put these back for us?"
The woman has a stunned look on her face and asks her husband what the hell he's talking about.
The man replies, "You thought I was gonna buy all this?? That's so typical, you don't know what it's like to have to work for money that you spend. I just wanted you to HOLD them for awhile."
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