ID: 1336
Men / Women
9. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
8. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies - you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that - it's no big deal.
ID: 16004
Men / Women
What's the difference between man and life?
Life is always hard.
ID: 1689
Men / Women
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; She'll screw all night if we let her!
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
ID: 1607
Men / Women
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
ID: 3733
Men / Women
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
ID: 1862
Men / Women
A man left for work one Friday afternoon, but since it was payday, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck instead of just going straight home. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and a two-hour tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
The man replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough that he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.
ID: 5925
Men / Women
Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.
Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.
Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.
Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.
ID: 7039
Men / Women
These two guys had both just gotten divorced, and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends, and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go, and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it, with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."
"Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah," said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him," said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
ID: 1425
Men / Women
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.
He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."
"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."
"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time."
My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead."
"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me and quietly said...that's once."
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