ID: 1084
Men / Women
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?"
"Yes," the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."
ID: 20
Men / Women
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
ID: 1241
Men / Women
One day an elderly couple was out for an afternoon drive and had to
stop for gas.
Attendant: " Would you like me to check the oil?"
Wife: "What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know if I want the oil checked."
Attendant: "Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?"
Wife: "What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up."
When the attendant heard them talking, he asked, "By the way,
where are you from?"
The husband replied, "We are from Nova Scotia."
"Ah," said the attendant. "Years ago I was in Nova Scotia and
had the worst love affair ever."
The wife said, "What did he say?"
Husband: "He thinks he knows you!"
ID: 14278
Men / Women
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
"I am 78," said the man.
"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
ID: 5899
Men / Women
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
ID: 1609
Men / Women
For all you Blonde ladies out there.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them
ID: 3531
Men / Women
Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his house.
"Sorry, that's against the law," says the desk sergeant.
"You don't get it," says the man. "I need to know how he got in without waking my wife."
ID: 3644
Men / Women
A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.
"Quick!" she said to the man, "it's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!"
"Where's the back door?" the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.
"There isn't one," she replied.
"Where would you like one?" he asked.
ID: 3449
Men / Women
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped
+10,000 Jokes