ID: 9721
Men / Women
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
ID: 2311
Men / Women
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.
"What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman.
The officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?"
To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".
ID: 1336
Men / Women
9. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
8. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies - you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that - it's no big deal.
ID: 460
Men / Women
What is the difference between men and
government bonds?
The bonds mature. Eventually.
ID: 1285
Men / Women
A little old lady answered her door only to be confronted by a young vacuum cleaner salesman.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door. "Don't be too hasty," he said, "not until you've seen my demonstration."
With that he emptied a bucket of dirt onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you're hungry, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
ID: 884
Men / Women
There are three well known rings to marriage:
Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
ID: 3918
Men / Women
Bill went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Bill's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, Bill went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Bill, "My friend, the cost of sending of a body back to the States for burial is very very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00 dollars."
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains, normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00 dollars. Bill thinks for some time and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price from $5.000.00 and $150.00 dollars."
"No, it's not that at all," says Bill. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person who was buried here in Jerusalem and on the third day He was resurrected. I don't want to take that chance!"
ID: 1311
Men / Women
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
ID: 1291
Men / Women
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.''
''My darling,'' he replied, ''think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''
+10,000 Jokes