ID: 2425
Men / Women
Woman: Honey, do you love me?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do I look fat in this?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Did you enjoy the meal?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight?
Woman: Sure Honey!
Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
ID: 6698
Men / Women
A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new Ferrari convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.
"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.
"Country Music," she said, and instantly a country crooner was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard "Blueberry Hill."
A few minutes later, a guy in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.
"Stupid, inconsiderate prick!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Phil."
ID: 2573
Men / Women
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your bickering. I'm going to the bar!"
So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again, and, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.
"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
ID: 2378
Men / Women
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''
''What, my dear?'' she asked gently.
''I think you bring me bad luck.''
ID: 2766
Men / Women
A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche.
He asks her, "Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?"
"I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds."
ID: 2803
Men / Women
A woman went to shop for a mirror when she chanced upon an expensive one. When she asked why, the salesman told her it was magical, that if you recited a rhyme in front of it, your wishes would come true. The woman bought it and hung it on the door at home.
Mirror Mirror on the door
Make my busts a forty-four
The woman instantly had a huge chest. She told her husband but he was in doubt. He went to the mirror then and said:
Mirror Mirror on the door
Make my penis hit the floor
His legs were missing, leaving stumps mid-thigh.
ID: 2568
Men / Women
Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again.
Oh my God! you don't know how to fix a car.
Wife says: How do I look?
Man: Terrible, go change!
ID: 2778
Men / Women
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a
nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin
bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll
go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled
and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you
don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed
towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it
in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris.
"But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart
team hadn't."
ID: 2457
Men / Women
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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