ID: 4323
Men / Women
One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the bachelor. "But I couldn't do anything with it."
"Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked his friend.
"You said it." The first guy replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean plate....'"
ID: 16730
Men / Women
"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
ID: 5972
Men / Women
If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?
ID: 1685
Men / Women
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?"
ID: 5916
Men / Women
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
ID: 7498
Men / Women
I know this isn't really a joke but I thought it was so funny that I wanted to share it with everyone...
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
ID: 566
Men / Women
A husband & wife are talking.
Husband: "How many times have you cheated on me?"
Wife: "Only twice."
Husband: "Tell me about them."
Wife: "Remember when you were very sick, and we didn't have money to pay for the doctor? Well, I slept with him."
Husband: "That's not so bad; and the other?"
Wife: "Remember when you were running in the elections, and you needed 450 votes?"
ID: 4396
Men / Women
A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously.
He says, "Single, huh?"
She replies coyly, "How did you guess?"
"Because," he says, "You're ugly."
ID: 922
Men / Women
A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time."
"Dress?" the matron sobbed. "It's a Porsche!"
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