MEN / WOMEN

ID: 16276

Men / Women

Don't Fall Asleep at the Beach

One day, early in the morning, a naked man was lying on a beach reading the newspaper. He saw a little girl skipping towards him. Quickly he covered himself with the newspaper just as the little girl spotted him. She comes by him and says,"Good morning, What's under the newspaper?" The man replied,"A birdie!" The little girl started dancing and said,"Can I see it." The man Quickly snaps,"NO! It's sleeping." The little girl skips away ad the man falls asleep. After a few hours he wakes up and notices he's in the hospital. He calls over the doctor and asks why he was in the hospital. The doctor replies,"Ask that little girl." The little girl shyly goes over and says,"I was playing with the birdie, it spit on me, so i broke its neck, cracked its eggs and sets it nest on fire."

ID: 10987

Men / Women

I Don't Know What You're Talking About

Q - Why is there a big "E" on top of the standard eye chart at the optometrist's office?

A - The reason is if there was a big "O" on the chart women would lie about seeing it.

ID: 10874

Men / Women

Crib Factory

A man and a woman have a child, and they need a crib, so they go to a crib factory store. This family is really poor, and they can only find cribs for $300. Then they find a crib for $20. They go up to the cashier and ask why. The cashier says its because it is cursed. The man and woman ask how it is cursed. The cashier replies, "After the 1st week of owning the crib, the mother of the child will die. After the 2nd week of owning the crib the child will die. And after the 3rd week the father of the child will die.(remember that last sentance)
The man and woman decide they don't believe the cashier, so they buy the crib anyway. A week goes by, and the woman dies. The man weeps. Another week goes by, and the child dies. The man weeps even more. Another week goes by, and the man trips over the dead mailman in front of his house.

ID: 10993

Men / Women

Men Driving

Why do men pick their noses while driving?

Because their butts are too hard to reach!

ID: 10936

Men / Women

Do You Love Me?

Once I asked a guy, " Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?"

ID: 11553

Men / Women

Count Them Yourself!

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

ID: 12118

Men / Women

Just Another Oxymoron

Adult Male

ID: 11188

Men / Women

Saving a Marriage

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, Mom and Dad announced to their grown children that they're getting a divorce.

The kids were totally distraught and, as a stab at keeping their parents together, arranged a series of sessions for the whole family with a world-famous marriage counselor.

The counselor worked for hours, tried all of his methods and tricks, but the parents wouldn't even talk to each other.

Finally, he walked over to a closet, brought out an oboe, and began to play. After a minute or so, the parents started talking and, as the counselor continued soloing on the oboe, the couple discovered they're not that far apart and decided to give their marriage another try.

The children were amazed and asked the counselor how he managed to do it. He replied, "Simple. I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through an oboe solo."

ID: 12057

Men / Women

The Perfect Girlfriend

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So, Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her; they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So.... are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"

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