ID: 7839
Men / Women
Women as Explained by Engineers
Finally- an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man!
Element: Woman
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg, to 225 kg.
Physical properties
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Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint.
Boils at absolutely nothing-freezes for no apparent reason.
Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material, to common ore.
Chemical properties
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Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones.
Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
The most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
Common Use
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Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly aid relaxation.
Can be a very effective cleaning agent.
Hazards
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Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
Possession of more than one is possible, but specimens must never make eye contact!
ID: 3346
Men / Women
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.
Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.
Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.
Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?
Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.
Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.
Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary.
ID: 853
Men / Women
Penguins mate for life.
This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
ID: 1872
Men / Women
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
ID: 1623
Men / Women
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."
ID: 1853
Men / Women
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Debenham's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the assistant mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!"
All my love......
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
ID: 1685
Men / Women
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?"
ID: 2841
Men / Women
A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man.
ID: 1285
Men / Women
A little old lady answered her door only to be confronted by a young vacuum cleaner salesman.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door. "Don't be too hasty," he said, "not until you've seen my demonstration."
With that he emptied a bucket of dirt onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you're hungry, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
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