ID: 4343
Men / Women
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
ID: 9707
Men / Women
What are three two letter words for small?
Is It In?
ID: 14973
Men / Women
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see if she can get your husband out of jail."
ID: 11463
Men / Women
A man, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of a restroom facility but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked:
WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake soooo many men make, of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice!"
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He said the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
ID: 12921
Men / Women
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of the weddings on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new husbands. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom, you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom, you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom, you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
ID: 18069
Men / Women
Michael and Beth are married, Beth is a smoker but Michael thinks smoking is horrible.
One night she started smoking after they finished having sex and Michael said, "Would you please stop smoking, you're going to kill yourself."
Beth, in return, said, "Sometimes I just need to get in a smoke after sex, do you have a problem with that?"
He replied, "Yes, because they stunt your growth among other things."
Beth asked Michael if he's ever smoked, to which he proudly said no.
With a smug Beth lowered her gaze to his groin and said, "So, what's your excuse?"
ID: 15091
Men / Women
Marg and Sam invited a couple over for a evening of bridge.
"Sam," Marg said, "this is the last couple that will ever accept an invitation to come to our house. If you dare to do anything to offend them tonight, I will crucify you!"
After they played for a while, Marg went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. When she returned, she saw that Sam was sitting at the table by himself.
She put the tray down and said, "What did you do to run them off this time?"
"I didn't do anything," Sam replied. "We were just sitting here and a mouse ran across the floor. Sue looked at me and said that we can get rid of mice by shoving steel wool into their little holes. All I asked was, 'How do you hold their little feet?' They both got up and left."
ID: 15386
Men / Women
Man
A remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.
Woman
Creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does.
People
Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
Optimist
Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
Pessimist
Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.
ID: 15409
Men / Women
Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
Whoa, time out. Football is on.
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning!
Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
+10,000 Jokes