ID: 3471
Medical
TOP 10 SLOGANS BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great!......... More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.
ID: 17284
Medical
Not sure if this is up yet but I haven't seen it so here it goes . . .
A 30-year-old man suffers from massive MASSIVE headaches that dominate his life completely and cause him pain almost every single moment of every day. He's been going through this pain since he was around 20 and no doctor has ever been able to help him out in curing the pain though he has tried almost every pain killer, and several surgeries.
One day a doctor calls him in to talk. The man expects another prescription of pain meds and what-not so he goes in, but he's shocked to find that this doctor has actually figured out what's wrong.
"You see, sir," says the doctor, "You have a very very rare condition where your testicles press up against the base of your spine sending a searing pain directly to your brain."
The man is shocked, so he asks the most obvious question though he's sure he knows the answer already. "Doc, what are we going to do about it?"
The doctor replies solemnly that he will have to go under the knife and have his testicles removed. The man agrees, fearing living through the pain for the rest of his life.
The operation goes perfectly and in six days the man is up and moving, completely pain free. The next day he decides to go out and buy a nice suit because he can know go out and enjoy himself.
When he gets there, an elderly man is sitting at the counter, and upon seeing the man he stood up and shouted as loud as he could, "I bet you need a size 36 sports jacket and a pair of trousers with 37 leg and 32 waist."
The man was stunned, muttering, "Well, that's exactly right; how on earth did you know?"
The elderly man replied laughing, "Son, I've been in the business for 50 years, there ain't no one that can fool me."
So the man tried on his clothes and they fit perfectly. The old man smiled again and said, "What did I tell you, I've been in the business for 50 years!"
So the man stood in line to buy his new clothing when he realized he needed new underwear as well, so he turned to the old man and said, "I bet you can't guess my size in underwear."
The old man looked him up and down and the announced, "You need a size 10"
The man then laughed and said, "I got you! I've been wearing a size 8 since I was about 20!"
Now the old man was puzzled and said, "Well sir, to be frank that's impossible. For a man of your size a size 8 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine, giving you one hell of a nasty headache."
ID: 13858
Medical
On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"
He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."
ID: 15325
Medical
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man, and from time to time the young nurse would come in and say in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and had taken the juice off the tray, putting it on his stand. Now, he had been given a urine bottle to fill - the juice was apple juice; you know where the juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, and drank the contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."
ID: 14891
Medical
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
ID: 4106
Medical
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
ID: 4724
Medical
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
ID: 6492
Medical
A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband.
She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,"I have bad news, and worse news."
The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first.
The doctor replies,"The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live."
The woman starts to cry even more, and now asks for the worse news.
The Doctor now replies,"The worse news is that I have been trying to contact you since yesterday."
ID: 15203
Medical
A veterinarian was feeling ill, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor asked all the usual questions ... what symptoms did he have, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the vet interrupted him:
"Look, doc, I'm a vet and I can't ask my patients these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking - why can't you?" he said smugly.
The doctor nodded, stood back and looked the vet up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to the vet, and said, "There you go. Of course, you do understand that if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep!"
+10,000 Jokes