ID: 3503
Medical
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
ID: 15325
Medical
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man, and from time to time the young nurse would come in and say in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and had taken the juice off the tray, putting it on his stand. Now, he had been given a urine bottle to fill - the juice was apple juice; you know where the juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, and drank the contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."
ID: 14572
Medical
One afternoon, Tommy is driving down a highway to spend some time at a lake and relax. On his way to the lake, he spots a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway, gesturing for him to stop.
He rolls down his window and asks, "How can I help you?"
"I'm the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?" the guy in red says.
Smiling, Tommy hands the guy a sandwich and drives away. A few short minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed completely in yellow, and he's standing on the side, motioning for him to stop.
Slightly annoyed, he stops, rolls down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?"
"I'm the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?" the guy in yellow asks.
Barely managing a smile, Tommy hands the guy a can of soda and takes off again. Wanting to reach the lake before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop, no matter what.
Much to his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road. This guy is dressed in blue and is signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, he stops one last time, rolls down his window, and screams, "Let me guess. You must be the blue jerk of the highway. Just what the hell do you wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration, please!"
ID: 3378
Medical
Love is in the Air
An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!" and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert, zere is zis man zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field, making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "
Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."
Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English."
ID: 13217
Medical
Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness
"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."
"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."
"Blink once for 'yes'."
"What do you mean we have the wrong patient?"
"Why is there a tag on his toe?"
"Do you think he can hear us?"
"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anasthesia."
"Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."
"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."
"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?"
"Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!"
"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down."
"It'll make a great 'ER' script."
ID: 13151
Medical
1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
2. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
3. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
ID: 3879
Medical
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
ID: 5581
Medical
Why did the chicken pox cross the road?
He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.
ID: 657
Medical
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor doctor! I can't eat food through my mouth cause it hurts" The doc says "Try eating through your bum, it might help" A few weeks later the doctor sees the man walking down the road in a very weird way, he asks "Why are you walking like that? Are you hurt?" The man replies "No you fool! I'm chewing a toffie"
+10,000 Jokes