ID: 15201
Medical
A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor.
"I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good," replied the co-worker.
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, "Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit."
ID: 1418
Medical
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
ID: 13797
Medical
Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness.
"OK, make a wish and pull."
"Back in a minute. Gotta put money in the meter."
"What he doesn't know, won't hurt us."
"Tilt that TV a bit. I can't see the game."
"That PROVES aliens have taken over our bodies."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"I learned that when I studied to be a vet."
"Poor guy... Maybe we should give him a sex change."
"He looks like my ex-wife's attorney... The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!..."
"C L E A R!"
ID: 326
Medical
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I!
ID: 3803
Medical
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
ID: 15325
Medical
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man, and from time to time the young nurse would come in and say in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and had taken the juice off the tray, putting it on his stand. Now, he had been given a urine bottle to fill - the juice was apple juice; you know where the juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, and drank the contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."
ID: 3378
Medical
Love is in the Air
An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!" and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert, zere is zis man zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field, making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "
Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."
Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English."
ID: 3541
Medical
With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
Here are a few of the new ones:
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
ID: 551
Medical
Jon and Adam are in a mental institution. This place has an annual contest, where they pick two of the best patients and give them two questions. If they get them correct, they are deemed cured and are free to go.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understands that he would be free if he answers the questions correctly. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon answers, "I'd be half blind, doc."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, while the doctor is filling out the paperwork, Jon mentions the exam to Adam. He tells him what questions are going to be asked, and also the answers. Adam is called in. The doctor goes through the formalities and asks, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Adam, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, says, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor is a little puzzled, but he carries on. "What if I cut off both of your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind." Adam answers.
"Adam, can you explain how you'd be blind?"
"My hat would fall over my eyes."
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