MEDICAL

ID: 11824

Medical

Bridge

'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.'
'What on earth's come over you?'
'Well a car,a bike.....'

ID: 3623

Medical

A Man Went to the Doctor...

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."

ID: 3568

Medical

Now Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter....

I shall seek and find you,
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you,
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
You will be weak for days.
You have been warned, my love, by...



THE FLU!!
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get a flu shot.

ID: 11802

Medical

Another Psychiatrist

A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate."
The man says, "Yes, I know."
The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?"
"Your light was on!"

ID: 6320

Medical

59 Seconds

"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live."
"Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."

ID: 12550

Medical

Or I Might Write

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released I shall confine myself to work in pure theory; where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate, "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

ID: 3427

Medical

Doctor Stories: Truth Defeats Fiction

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
**
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
**
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
**
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
**
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered.... ...."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
**
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

ID: 713

Medical

Dream

Jack tells his shrink, "Last night I dreamed you were my mother."

"How did you feel about it after you woke up?" asks the psychiatrist.

"I overslept," answers Jack. "Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn't really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?"

"A Coke and some cookies?" says the psychiatrist. "You call that breakfast?"

ID: 13217

Medical

Things You Don't Want to Hear

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness

"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."

"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."

"Blink once for 'yes'."

"What do you mean we have the wrong patient?"

"Why is there a tag on his toe?"

"Do you think he can hear us?"

"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."

"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anasthesia."

"Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."

"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."

"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?"

"Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!"

"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down."

"It'll make a great 'ER' script."

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