MEDICAL

ID: 6046

Medical

Can You Help Me?

PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough."

DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled."

PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?"

DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."

ID: 1208

Medical

Ending it All

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

ID: 1704

Medical

Too Many Hormones


ID: 13797

Medical

Things You Don't Want to Hear III

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness.

"OK, make a wish and pull."

"Back in a minute. Gotta put money in the meter."

"What he doesn't know, won't hurt us."

"Tilt that TV a bit. I can't see the game."

"That PROVES aliens have taken over our bodies."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"I learned that when I studied to be a vet."

"Poor guy... Maybe we should give him a sex change."

"He looks like my ex-wife's attorney... The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!..."

"C L E A R!"

ID: 3389

Medical

DOCTORS WERE TOLD TO...

DOCTORS WERE TOLD TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW HOSPITAL WING AT THE HOSPITAL. WHAT WAS THEIR REACTION?

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstreticians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.

The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"

The pediatricians said, "grow up."

The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

ID: 11968

Medical

Falling Hair

Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?"

Doctor: "A shoebox!"

ID: 1894

Medical

Enlargement

Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts, so one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith.

Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: "SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES".

One day she was running late, and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith's, to which she replied: "Yes, how did you know?".

He replied "HICKORY DICKORY DOC!"

ID: 7929

Medical

Hecho En Mexico

A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?"
She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"

ID: 11742

Medical

Botty Burp

A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, "Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike."
"That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?" asked the doctor.
"I also have a large boil on my backside," said the man.
"Right," said the doctor, "I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear."
"How's that?" asked the man.
"Because abscess makes the fart go Honda."

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