ID: 13545
Medical
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
ID: 14460
Medical
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
ID: 16515
Medical
Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.
"Max," says Nathan, "we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whisky, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.
Nathan tells them, "Guys, we're drinking to my impending death. I've been diagnosed with AIDS." His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me you're dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS. I don't understand."
Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
ID: 15204
Medical
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:-
"Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
ID: 14064
Medical
"y'know, they made a movie about me once. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
"Oops."
"Is that thing called a lung?"
"And my mom wanted me to help people."
"Shoot! That's the third pair of tongs this week!"
"I can't pull it out!"
"This belongs on MTV."
"No one asked for your opinion."
"It's a boy!"
"Hey! I can see the operating table!"
"Brilliant. Now what?"
"I need a lawyer."
"What have you been eating?!"
"This is all a dream...this is all a dream..."
"Mommy!"
"Fire in the hole!"
"I knew I should've stopped drinking."
ID: 17845
Medical
My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
ID: 16509
Medical
"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist.
"Really? Can you describe the symptoms?"
"Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..."
ID: 11742
Medical
A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, "Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike."
"That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?" asked the doctor.
"I also have a large boil on my backside," said the man.
"Right," said the doctor, "I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear."
"How's that?" asked the man.
"Because abscess makes the fart go Honda."
ID: 11824
Medical
'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.'
'What on earth's come over you?'
'Well a car,a bike.....'
+10,000 Jokes