ID: 18030
Medical
Doctor: What is it that brought you here?
Patient: An ambulance. Why?
ID: 3941
Medical
Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.
ID: 4526
Medical
Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records:
1. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
3. The patient refused an autopsy.
4. The patient has no past history of suicides.
5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
8. She is numb from her toes down.
9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
12. The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
13. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation
ID: 3879
Medical
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
ID: 630
Medical
"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!"
"Who listens?"
ID: 8693
Medical
"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"
ID: 1714
Medical
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
ID: 3321
Medical
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
ID: 7876
Medical
"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said."
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
+10,000 Jokes