ID: 326
Medical
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I!
ID: 1714
Medical
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
ID: 12706
Medical
A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?"
"$80 a tooth," he replies.
"For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient.
"Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.
ID: 713
Medical
Jack tells his shrink, "Last night I dreamed you were my mother."
"How did you feel about it after you woke up?" asks the psychiatrist.
"I overslept," answers Jack. "Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn't really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?"
"A Coke and some cookies?" says the psychiatrist. "You call that breakfast?"
ID: 10575
Medical
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
ID: 8053
Medical
What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change?
An adadictomy
(add-a-dick-to-me)
ID: 630
Medical
"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!"
"Who listens?"
ID: 17790
Medical
Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?
ID: 1897
Medical
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
+10,000 Jokes