MEDICAL

The Psychiatrists

"OK," said the psychiatrist, "let's try some tests. I'll draw something, and you say what it reminds you of."

He draws a house, and the patient says, "Sex."
He draws a square, and the patient says, "Sex."
He draws a circle, and the patient says, "Sex."
He draws a trangle, and the patient says, "Sex."
He draws a diamond, and the patient says, "Sex."

"I see; it seems to me," says the trick-cyclist,"you have a fixation with sex."

"Me? Who's drawing all these dirty pictures?"

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A man is referred to a psychiatrist because he imagines himself to be a pet dog.

"All right, lie on the couch," says the doctor.

"Sorry, I'm not allowed on the furniture!"

Too Many Hormones

The Exam

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

Psychiatrists

"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!"

"Who listens?"

Docter! Doctor 3

Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?

Ugly Person

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Doctor's Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Stay Away!

What did one virus say to the other virus?

Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!

The Doctors

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!