ID: 3623
Medical
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."
ID: 525
Medical
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally
prepared for the test.
And best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold
that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends
together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to
meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!
ID: 804
Medical
A doctor goes into a sanitarium one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor.
He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer "We're diving into the pool".
Only one of them sits aside watching them. "I see you're not diving into the pool" the doctor says. The patient replies "I'm the lifeguard."
ID: 551
Medical
Jon and Adam are in a mental institution. This place has an annual contest, where they pick two of the best patients and give them two questions. If they get them correct, they are deemed cured and are free to go.
Jon is called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understands that he would be free if he answers the questions correctly. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon answers, "I'd be half blind, doc."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, while the doctor is filling out the paperwork, Jon mentions the exam to Adam. He tells him what questions are going to be asked, and also the answers. Adam is called in. The doctor goes through the formalities and asks, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Adam, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, says, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor is a little puzzled, but he carries on. "What if I cut off both of your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind." Adam answers.
"Adam, can you explain how you'd be blind?"
"My hat would fall over my eyes."
ID: 630
Medical
"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!"
"Who listens?"
ID: 30
Medical
A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg."
Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."
ID: 1821
Medical
Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair!
Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?
ID: 1214
Medical
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
ID: 530
Medical
A general was confined to a military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week, he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest, and so on.
One afternoon, an orderly entered the room.
"Time to take your temperature, General," the orderly said.
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end," the orderly told him. A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.
The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you," and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
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