ID: 6745
Lawyer
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
ID: 1181
Lawyer
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"
His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"
ID: 43
Lawyer
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
ID: 13
Lawyer
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A start.
ID: 1094
Lawyer
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
ID: 2539
Lawyer
A successful, wealthy and very arrogant bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault...
"YOU STUPID REDNECK!" shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls.
"Now how am I gonna get outa this?" though the redneck to himself. Then he had an idea...
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
He handed it to the hotshot and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves....IT'S HOMEMADE..."
The lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?" And the smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow. After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.
Then the redneck said "It's mighty hot today. Folks 'round here don't usually wear shoes on a day like those. Why don't you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?"
The lawyer frowned: "Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That's fine for hicks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!"
But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and then again, and finally the lawyer, feeling the white lightnin', let out a laugh and took off his polished shoes and socks. Then the redneck said: "Why don't you take off that fancy necktie?"
The lawyer said: "My tie!", but in a minute, the silk tie was dropped on top of the shoes and the socks.
The redneck grinned and held up an extra pair of overalls he found in his pickup. "And that fancy business suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit on a 100 degree day! You can wear these while we figger out what to do about this situation!"
The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but...
Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the starched white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.
"Now ain't that more comfortable?!" said the redneck.
At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.
The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn't find the redneck...
"Not me", the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree. The lawyer stared at him in shock, but was now so drunk he couldn't stand up. The redneck was wearing the lawyer's clothes, holding his briefcase, shaving with a razor he found in the briefcase and holding the keys to his BMW.
Then he reached over and pulled the Rolex off the lawyer's arm and as a final touch, rubbed some dirt into the lawyer's manicured hands and expensive haircut. He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and looking like a true redneck, "I'm waiting for the state trooper." . . . . . .
ID: 2705
Lawyer
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
ID: 6124
Lawyer
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
ID: 769
Lawyer
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
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