ID: 15238
Lawyer
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!"
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign.
The man demanded to know what "AH" meant.
The officer said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an asshole!" and then returned to his cruiser.
The violator's bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, "Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?"
"Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH.'"
"What does 'AH' stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'asshole'?"
The officer said. "Well, sir, you know your client better than I!"
ID: 43
Lawyer
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
ID: 301
Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
ID: 375
Lawyer
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
ID: 865
Lawyer
"What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury.
"Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman.
"All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge.
ID: 128
Lawyer
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
ID: 406
Lawyer
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
ID: 533
Lawyer
A lawyer had just rented a cabin up north and was planning to do some hunting. So he goes up and finds that he has a neighbor. The neighbor is from Czechoslovakia. They decide to go hunting together and become good friends. While they camped out during the night 2 bears, a male and a female, attacked them. The lawyer just managed to get away. He stole a glance back and saw his Czechoslovakian friend get eaten whole by the male bear.
The lawyer runs to the police and tells them to come and hurry and bring some tranquilizer guns. They run up into the woods where their camp was and they stumble across the 2 bears sleeping.
The police say, "Which bear ate your friend?"
The lawyer says, "The male bear. That one!" And points to the one on the right.
The police immediately shoot the female bear and the male bear wakes up and runs off unharmed.
The lawyer screams, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? I SAID HE WAS IN THE MALE BEAR!"
The police calmly said, "Would you believe a lawyer who said the Czech was in the male?"
ID: 941
Lawyer
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
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