ID: 191
Lawyer
A little blind rabbit and a little blind snake met each other in the woods one day and, as neither of them could see what species they were so they decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the rabbit would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also know what species he was. The snake ran his tongue over the rabbit.
"Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose," the snake said; "you must be a rabbit."
The rabbit then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said, "Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard .... you must be a lawyer!"
ID: 15370
Lawyer
The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information.
Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."
ID: 2430
Lawyer
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. On the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How on earth are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"
ID: 13
Lawyer
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A start.
ID: 6125
Lawyer
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
ID: 1185
Lawyer
A lawyer was having a nice peacful time at home one day when the phone rang. He answered it and it was a man asking for donations towards a charity.
The lawyer tries to tell the man politely that he wouldn't donate. But the man kept pushing and pushing. The man said over the phone, "But Sir, I know for a fact you are a very wealthy lawyer, you make tons of money each year, and as I look over this information sheet I don't see any donations you have made to any charities in the last five years. Don't you think it's time you gave something back to the community that's treated you so well?"
The lawyers now pissed replies, "Look! I have a sick mother who requires an expensive surgery, my brother is handicapped and needs money to install ramps into his home so he can get back to a normal life, my sister needs money to get her dog an operation, and my father was injured on the job and now they're repossessing his house unless he comes up with $5000 by the end of the week."
The man over the phone stammers, "I-I-I'm sorry sir. I had no idea that many people needed money from you."
The lawyers replies, "Damn right! And if they can't get me to give them a dime, what makes you think you stand a chance??"
ID: 490
Lawyer
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately screwed the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
ID: 3439
Lawyer
What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?
Skeet
ID: 3835
Lawyer
"Can I help you?" the madam asked
"I want Natalie," the elderly man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else..."
"No," said the man, "I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 100 hundred dollar bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $10,000 per visit. Again, the man took out the money and the two went up to the room.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever paid for my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie "I have family who live there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died; I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000."
So the moral here is that some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and being screwed by an attorney.
+10,000 Jokes