ID: 1185
Lawyer
A lawyer was having a nice peacful time at home one day when the phone rang. He answered it and it was a man asking for donations towards a charity.
The lawyer tries to tell the man politely that he wouldn't donate. But the man kept pushing and pushing. The man said over the phone, "But Sir, I know for a fact you are a very wealthy lawyer, you make tons of money each year, and as I look over this information sheet I don't see any donations you have made to any charities in the last five years. Don't you think it's time you gave something back to the community that's treated you so well?"
The lawyers now pissed replies, "Look! I have a sick mother who requires an expensive surgery, my brother is handicapped and needs money to install ramps into his home so he can get back to a normal life, my sister needs money to get her dog an operation, and my father was injured on the job and now they're repossessing his house unless he comes up with $5000 by the end of the week."
The man over the phone stammers, "I-I-I'm sorry sir. I had no idea that many people needed money from you."
The lawyers replies, "Damn right! And if they can't get me to give them a dime, what makes you think you stand a chance??"
ID: 8973
Lawyer
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office. "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" the elderly woman asked. The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" "I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank," she replied.
"Tell me just how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" the lawyer asked. "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on," said the woman. "I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
"Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!" the lawyer exclaimed. "I need to know, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married and the fact is I've never slept with a man. So before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out, so she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the county bury her."
ID: 1921
Lawyer
It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
ID: 4428
Lawyer
The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background" the lawyer sneered.
The witness replied,
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
ID: 1181
Lawyer
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"
His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"
ID: 4821
Lawyer
A mugger approached a very well-dressed and dignified lawyer on a deserted street one night:
"Gimme your wallet and the keys to your car!"
The lawyer shook his head and said in a patronizing tone: "Do you have ANY idea what it's like to walk in my shoes or wear my clothes? I have more responsibility than you could imagine. I have a family and a firm with a hundred employees. I am in charge of it all! Look at these clothes! Do you know what I have to earn to WEAR a $3,000 suit like this? Look at this fifty dollar necktie! And these cufflinks! Now try to imagine what it is like to walk in these thousand dollar shoes! If you DID know, you would not mug me!"
The mugger looked at the pinstriped suit, the silk tie, the white shirt and the polished black business shoes worn by the lawyer.
He started to cry.
"I...I'm sorry!" he said. You're right!!"
And he lowered the gun.
"I don't want your wallet anymore or your car!"
"Now that's a sensible decision, my good man!" said the lawyer.
"NO! NO!" said the mugger. "I changed my mind! You convinced me! I have to UNDERSTAND! Now take off your clothes and hand them over!" And he pointed the gun at the lawyer.
The stunned lawyer begged and pleaded, but the mugger just pointed the gun. The lawyer finally was forced to take off his polished shoes and his socks, and then his business suit, shirt, cufflinks, suspenders and tie. Finally he had stripped naked and the mugger put on the lawyer's clothes.
The mugger looked surprised.
"Ya know? I still don't get it! I'll take your car and your wallet, too!"
ID: 1343
Lawyer
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
ID: 951
Lawyer
Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. "We've started something new," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers."
"Lawyers?" questioned her colleague. "But we've always used rats."
"Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats."
ID: 43
Lawyer
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
+10,000 Jokes