ID: 15639
Lawyer
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.
He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.
When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
ID: 2273
Lawyer
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first" she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy works in a topless bar!"
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But, how can I explain that to a seven-year-old?"
ID: 2539
Lawyer
A successful, wealthy and very arrogant bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault...
"YOU STUPID REDNECK!" shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls.
"Now how am I gonna get outa this?" though the redneck to himself. Then he had an idea...
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
He handed it to the hotshot and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves....IT'S HOMEMADE..."
The lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?" And the smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow. After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.
Then the redneck said "It's mighty hot today. Folks 'round here don't usually wear shoes on a day like those. Why don't you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?"
The lawyer frowned: "Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That's fine for hicks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!"
But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and then again, and finally the lawyer, feeling the white lightnin', let out a laugh and took off his polished shoes and socks. Then the redneck said: "Why don't you take off that fancy necktie?"
The lawyer said: "My tie!", but in a minute, the silk tie was dropped on top of the shoes and the socks.
The redneck grinned and held up an extra pair of overalls he found in his pickup. "And that fancy business suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit on a 100 degree day! You can wear these while we figger out what to do about this situation!"
The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but...
Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the starched white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.
"Now ain't that more comfortable?!" said the redneck.
At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.
The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn't find the redneck...
"Not me", the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree. The lawyer stared at him in shock, but was now so drunk he couldn't stand up. The redneck was wearing the lawyer's clothes, holding his briefcase, shaving with a razor he found in the briefcase and holding the keys to his BMW.
Then he reached over and pulled the Rolex off the lawyer's arm and as a final touch, rubbed some dirt into the lawyer's manicured hands and expensive haircut. He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and looking like a true redneck, "I'm waiting for the state trooper." . . . . . .
ID: 12440
Lawyer
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
ID: 4821
Lawyer
A mugger approached a very well-dressed and dignified lawyer on a deserted street one night:
"Gimme your wallet and the keys to your car!"
The lawyer shook his head and said in a patronizing tone: "Do you have ANY idea what it's like to walk in my shoes or wear my clothes? I have more responsibility than you could imagine. I have a family and a firm with a hundred employees. I am in charge of it all! Look at these clothes! Do you know what I have to earn to WEAR a $3,000 suit like this? Look at this fifty dollar necktie! And these cufflinks! Now try to imagine what it is like to walk in these thousand dollar shoes! If you DID know, you would not mug me!"
The mugger looked at the pinstriped suit, the silk tie, the white shirt and the polished black business shoes worn by the lawyer.
He started to cry.
"I...I'm sorry!" he said. You're right!!"
And he lowered the gun.
"I don't want your wallet anymore or your car!"
"Now that's a sensible decision, my good man!" said the lawyer.
"NO! NO!" said the mugger. "I changed my mind! You convinced me! I have to UNDERSTAND! Now take off your clothes and hand them over!" And he pointed the gun at the lawyer.
The stunned lawyer begged and pleaded, but the mugger just pointed the gun. The lawyer finally was forced to take off his polished shoes and his socks, and then his business suit, shirt, cufflinks, suspenders and tie. Finally he had stripped naked and the mugger put on the lawyer's clothes.
The mugger looked surprised.
"Ya know? I still don't get it! I'll take your car and your wallet, too!"
ID: 7887
Lawyer
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a matter of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?
ID: 446
Lawyer
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."
ID: 7602
Lawyer
A man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man, incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
ID: 7968
Lawyer
Why do lawyers always wear a tie?
To keep back the foreskin.
+10,000 Jokes