ID: 17640
Lawyer
I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.
ID: 15371
Lawyer
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950's at the rank of full colonel.
Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.
He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him keep his job by getting "only" a master's degree.
So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.
On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John's name. "Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we'll be using?" he asked.
"I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you're using," came the dry response.
ID: 15169
Lawyer
A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?" The Judge said that was accurate.
"Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?" the man asked. The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action.
The man then turned to Miss Stuart and said, "Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!"
ID: 15816
Lawyer
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
ID: 16166
Lawyer
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.
The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!"
The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."
ID: 16333
Lawyer
The judge read the charges, then asked: "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No, your honor," replied Tommy. "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who did it."
ID: 15717
Lawyer
A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news."
"Right, what's the bad news?"
"It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime."
"So what's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is way down!"
ID: 15238
Lawyer
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!"
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign.
The man demanded to know what "AH" meant.
The officer said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an asshole!" and then returned to his cruiser.
The violator's bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, "Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?"
"Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH.'"
"What does 'AH' stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'asshole'?"
The officer said. "Well, sir, you know your client better than I!"
ID: 14842
Lawyer
A lawyer in Basic Math class
"What is two plus two?"
"Well, first let us decide the parties. The first two is party A. Now first, where are the signatures that my client two WANTS to be added to the party B, two. I see no signatures, and therefore the two twos shan't be together until further paperwork is done. Two and two remain separate, CASE CLOSED!"
+10,000 Jokes