ID: 302
Lawyer
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
ID: 15238
Lawyer
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!"
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign.
The man demanded to know what "AH" meant.
The officer said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an asshole!" and then returned to his cruiser.
The violator's bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, "Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?"
"Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH.'"
"What does 'AH' stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'asshole'?"
The officer said. "Well, sir, you know your client better than I!"
ID: 15112
Lawyer
A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.
"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English."
The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"
The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"
ID: 16597
Lawyer
A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?" The wealthy man continues, "This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it."
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Your Honour, I trust you believe me."
The Judge says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. "What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily.
The Judge responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I'm sure it did - but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money - otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it!"
ID: 15039
Lawyer
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.
His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."
"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!"
ID: 6868
Lawyer
Q:What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
A:The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.
ID: 15518
Lawyer
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.
ID: 13569
Lawyer
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
ID: 7602
Lawyer
A man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man, incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
+10,000 Jokes