ID: 12588
Lawyer
Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.
World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war 'team colours' were red and white.
Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly over-excited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by government groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.
The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.
A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleam III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.
Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical". Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.
ID: 3526
Lawyer
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
ID: 3439
Lawyer
What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?
Skeet
ID: 2273
Lawyer
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first" she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy works in a topless bar!"
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But, how can I explain that to a seven-year-old?"
ID: 6414
Lawyer
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $50 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers.... we had $100 when we broke in!"
ID: 4517
Lawyer
A lawyer died, and at the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven together. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything."
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
ID: 1181
Lawyer
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"
His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"
ID: 4821
Lawyer
A mugger approached a very well-dressed and dignified lawyer on a deserted street one night:
"Gimme your wallet and the keys to your car!"
The lawyer shook his head and said in a patronizing tone: "Do you have ANY idea what it's like to walk in my shoes or wear my clothes? I have more responsibility than you could imagine. I have a family and a firm with a hundred employees. I am in charge of it all! Look at these clothes! Do you know what I have to earn to WEAR a $3,000 suit like this? Look at this fifty dollar necktie! And these cufflinks! Now try to imagine what it is like to walk in these thousand dollar shoes! If you DID know, you would not mug me!"
The mugger looked at the pinstriped suit, the silk tie, the white shirt and the polished black business shoes worn by the lawyer.
He started to cry.
"I...I'm sorry!" he said. You're right!!"
And he lowered the gun.
"I don't want your wallet anymore or your car!"
"Now that's a sensible decision, my good man!" said the lawyer.
"NO! NO!" said the mugger. "I changed my mind! You convinced me! I have to UNDERSTAND! Now take off your clothes and hand them over!" And he pointed the gun at the lawyer.
The stunned lawyer begged and pleaded, but the mugger just pointed the gun. The lawyer finally was forced to take off his polished shoes and his socks, and then his business suit, shirt, cufflinks, suspenders and tie. Finally he had stripped naked and the mugger put on the lawyer's clothes.
The mugger looked surprised.
"Ya know? I still don't get it! I'll take your car and your wallet, too!"
ID: 5297
Lawyer
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?
Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.
Lawyer: A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
+10,000 Jokes