ID: 16166
Lawyer
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.
The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!"
The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."
ID: 6124
Lawyer
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
ID: 128
Lawyer
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
ID: 301
Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
ID: 43
Lawyer
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
ID: 941
Lawyer
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
ID: 399
Lawyer
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.
ID: 1091
Lawyer
What did the Lawyer name his daughter?
Answer: Sue
ID: 709
Lawyer
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains: "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my %#*!@#&*# money is!"
"Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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