ID: 17242
Lawyer
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour's work isn't bad."
ID: 15112
Lawyer
A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.
"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English."
The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"
The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"
ID: 15170
Lawyer
A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it.
"To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'"
ID: 13510
Lawyer
In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor.
Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge.
When he saw that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.
ID: 15371
Lawyer
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950's at the rank of full colonel.
Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.
He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him keep his job by getting "only" a master's degree.
So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.
On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John's name. "Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we'll be using?" he asked.
"I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you're using," came the dry response.
ID: 16600
Lawyer
Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
ID: 17640
Lawyer
I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.
ID: 18029
Lawyer
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
ID: 4996
Lawyer
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment!
+10,000 Jokes