ID: 13
Lawyer
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A start.
ID: 4428
Lawyer
The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background" the lawyer sneered.
The witness replied,
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
ID: 43
Lawyer
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
ID: 310
Lawyer
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
ID: 941
Lawyer
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
ID: 365
Lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
ID: 4821
Lawyer
A mugger approached a very well-dressed and dignified lawyer on a deserted street one night:
"Gimme your wallet and the keys to your car!"
The lawyer shook his head and said in a patronizing tone: "Do you have ANY idea what it's like to walk in my shoes or wear my clothes? I have more responsibility than you could imagine. I have a family and a firm with a hundred employees. I am in charge of it all! Look at these clothes! Do you know what I have to earn to WEAR a $3,000 suit like this? Look at this fifty dollar necktie! And these cufflinks! Now try to imagine what it is like to walk in these thousand dollar shoes! If you DID know, you would not mug me!"
The mugger looked at the pinstriped suit, the silk tie, the white shirt and the polished black business shoes worn by the lawyer.
He started to cry.
"I...I'm sorry!" he said. You're right!!"
And he lowered the gun.
"I don't want your wallet anymore or your car!"
"Now that's a sensible decision, my good man!" said the lawyer.
"NO! NO!" said the mugger. "I changed my mind! You convinced me! I have to UNDERSTAND! Now take off your clothes and hand them over!" And he pointed the gun at the lawyer.
The stunned lawyer begged and pleaded, but the mugger just pointed the gun. The lawyer finally was forced to take off his polished shoes and his socks, and then his business suit, shirt, cufflinks, suspenders and tie. Finally he had stripped naked and the mugger put on the lawyer's clothes.
The mugger looked surprised.
"Ya know? I still don't get it! I'll take your car and your wallet, too!"
ID: 307
Lawyer
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
ID: 1342
Lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
+10,000 Jokes