ID: 182
Gross
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
ID: 9896
Gross
One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond and a Former Sexual Partner
Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Loins?
Oh, grand! It''s Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Loins. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Loins? Rather silly, when you think about it.
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. Honey Rider is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there''s no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I''m calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that''s kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It's a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me."
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren't meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he''s your boy. Anyway, you didn't notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself. They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you''d think I''d been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually there''s no facility. Just an island. And me. But they''re building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it''ll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What''s that supposed to mean?
ID: 618
Gross
This American is on a business trip to Mexico and has the first day off. He decides he wants to ride a donkey, a traditional Mexican thing.
He asks this local man if he can rent a donkey for the day. The man says, "Gringo we call them asses here in Mexico. If you want him to stop though you need to scratch him." The American agrees and pays the Mexican man his money and rides away.
The man then decides that he wants something to eat so he rides to a hot dog stand. He asks the man if he can get a hot dog with mustard and relish. The man then replies "Sir, we call them weeners here." The American agrees and hands the man his money.
He then sees that his donkey is slowly walking away. So he asks another man standing by him who is also American if he would "hold his weener so he can scratch his ass"
ID: 187
Gross
A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber." While looking at something in his hand.
The man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, "It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replies, "From my nose."
ID: 15510
Gross
A guy in sitting in a bar hving a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. The guy's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, "If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! In frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!"
the alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
ID: 729
Gross
What do Constipated Mathematicians do?
Work it out with a pencil.
ID: 17848
Gross
What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade?
You can't marmalade your dick up a 2 year olds ass.
ID: 814
Gross
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother.
"Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
"Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog...."
ID: 3411
Gross
A girl in around fifth grade was walking home from school. As she walking she sees a really adorable little boy walking the same way as she is. The little boy comes up to her and says,
"Can i walk home with you??"
The little girl, being a mean snobby person says,
"Oooh, god no!! Go away ya midget!!"
"I'll cry!!!"
* big sigh *
"Fine just don't cry!!"
When they get to her house she stops and tells him to go away. But he says,
"Can i come over??"
"Ooh no!!! No munchkins allowed!!"
"I'll cry!!"
*another big sigh*
"Fine, but only for a little bit"
Its getting late and she tells him to leave.
"Can I stay for dinner??"
"For the last time no!!! Go away!!!"
"I'll cry!!"
"Fine!!"
Dinner is over and she tells him to leave.
"Can i sleep over??"
"NO!! Never!!"
"I'll cry!!"
"OK, fine! But you have to sleep in the living room."
Later that night she hears a knock on the door.
"Can i sleep in your room?"
"No way!!"
"I'll cry!!"
"Fine."
Later on...
"Can i sleep in your bed?"
"Not in a million years!!"
"I'll cry!!"
"If you must, but no crying!!"
Even later...
"Can I stick my finger in your bellybutton??"
She shoots strait up in her bed!
"No you freak!!!"
"I'll cry!!"
"Fine!"
A beat.
"Hey thats not my belly button!!"
"Suprise, suprise thats not my finger!!!"
+10,000 Jokes