GROSS

ID: 1235

Gross

Missing!

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
" I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

ID: 11074

Gross

I Cup

Matt: I bet you can't spell "I cup."
Sarah: I C-U-P
Matt: Eww! You see me pee!

ID: 4254

Gross

Whew

Very stinky I can be.
And a wet hole is all you see.
Give me a rod and I'm happy.
In the silence I can queef.
No one thinks they're eating beef.
And please oh please don't use teeth.

ID: 23

Gross

Two Legs

Q What has two legs, and bleeds?

A Half a dog!

ID: 2073

Gross

Dear Departed

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

ID: 1810

Gross

Farting People

-The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
-The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
-The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
-The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
-The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
-The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
-The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
-The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
-The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
-The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
-The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
-The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
-The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
-The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
-The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
-The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

ID: 2709

Gross

Prized Possesion

A mortician was examining Mr. Zeron's body before sending it to be cremated. He discovered the longest private part he had ever seen on Zeron. He felt it a pity to cremate him with it, so, apologising to the corpse, the mortician used his tools to remove the tremendously huge private part.

The mortician stuffed the prize possesion into his briefcase and took it home to show his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said and opened his briefcase.

Upon seeing it, his wife cried, "Oh my God! Zeron is dead!"

ID: 1350

Gross

Gorilla Exterminator

A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree.
"Then my dog will bite his testicles off."
The guy suspiciously asked, "What is the gun for?"
The exterminator replied, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog."

ID: 814

Gross

BANG BANG BANG

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother.

"Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.

About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
"Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.

Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog...."

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