ID: 8680
Gross
"Mario, I am in so much pain right now I can barely sit. Leave the mushrooms for the adventures and out of the bedroom."
"Fine Princess. Yoshi, let's go."
"No, no...Yoshi can stay."
ID: 1234
Gross
Three men are outside a pub when one said, "I dare you to go in and ask for a free glass of milk!"
One of the other men went in the pub and said, "Can I have a free glass of milk?"
"Only if you pick the scabs of my daughter's fanny!"
replied the barmaid.
"Screw that!"
The other man walked in and said, "Can I have a free glass of milk?"
"Only if you pick the scabs off my daughter's fanny!"
replied the barmaid.
"Screw that!"
When the two men went back outside they told the third one that they could only get a free glass of milk if they picked the scabs off the barmaid's daughter's fanny.
The third man said, "I wouldn't mind doing that."
The third man went in and said I will pick the scabs off your daughter's fanny if you give me a free glass of milk."
"Ok," agreed the barmaid.
He went upstairs and picked the scabs of her daughter's fanny and put them in a crisp packet and sealed it up for freshness, then chucked it out the window.
He went outside to meet the others and told them that he got a free glass of milk.
The others said, "So...we got a free packet of crisps that flew from the sky!"
ID: 4440
Gross
A guy walks into a strip club and sees a really pretty girl right in front of him. He goes up to her and asks, "Hey, Honey, want to come home with me?" She says yes. They go back to his house that night and they have sex. Throughout this whole time he hasn't been able to see her properly. When she rolls into the moonlight, he caught a glimpse of her. "What, the...! What are you doing here?"
He had just realised that he was in bed wth his mother-in-law!
ID: 6150
Gross
Daddy: Get the Nuts son
Bobby: Yes Dad
Daddy: Ouch!
ID: 5900
Gross
THE COMMON FART
The Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the "Ripper", but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence.. Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart.
THE ANXIOUS FART
The Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard.
You may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts.
They are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require much skill to master.
THE COUGHING FART
The Coughing Fart is one that the farter tries to cover up with a cough. My dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and cough, just as a nice "common fart" was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter, and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all, or if the fart is longer than anticipated.
THE WET FART
The Wet Fart is one that sounds quite juicy. Quite often this fart is cause for alarm,
and an indication that a trip to the toilet is imminent.
THE BLOWER
This fart is similar to the ripper, except it has a bit of a hollow, windy sound to it.
This is due to farter blowing all the gas out quickly. This fart will almost always get a laugh.
TIGHT BUN FART
This fart is always recognizable. It sounds like the farter's
buns were so tight that he/she was in pain while farting.
THE RIPPER
One of the best farts around is The Ripper. It is loud, rough, and always raises an eyebrow or two. Characteristics of The Ripper often show up in other farts, but make no mistake -
this fart is a single, powerful gas-bubble that comes screaming from the farter's butt
ID: 15514
Gross
What's the differance between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The Taste...
ID: 7314
Gross
THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTO PICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK...Ditto.
PICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PAY DIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
ID: 14030
Gross
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up till 7:00."
ID: 16802
Gross
1.When you walk into the bathroom, shout loudly that you have explosive diarrhea.
2.When on the urinal (make sure someone is next to you), slowly turn your head toward their genital area then swiftly turn your head back and start laughing.
3.Put a mud, corn meal, crushed rotten eggs, animal (or fake) blood and marmite mixture into each one of the toilets.
4.When on the toilet, make loud grunting and straining noises, making sure the person in the stall next to you can hear, then drop a melon into the toilet and give a long relaxing sigh.
5.Repeat #4 only replace the dropping melon with an audio recording of an atomic bomb blast.
6.Take a bag of fake blood or ketchup, and while on the toilet say loudly, "Oh no I'm peeing blood again," and let the fake blood drip onto the floor, making sure the person in the stall(s) next to you can see it.
7.Put big boots and a cheap pair of long pants stuffed with straw in every stall and lock the doors, making it look like it's occupied, then spike everyone's meal in the building with heavy duty prune juice.
8.Hide a DVD player in the bathroom and put on a long porno, making sure it includes very seductive audio).
9.Take a water gun into the bathroom and while on the toilet, spray the stall wall, and say, "Whoa! Easy there, little fella!"
10.While on the toilet, sing, "The Phantom Of The Opera," very loudly.
11.(This works best in a 1-toilet bathroom or a very busy place) Take animal or fake guts into the bathroom, then try to hold up a very long line, making sure there are a lot of people waiting for the bathroom. Clog the toilet with the animal guts by forcing it to flush down, but stuck in the pipes, which will be pushed back out if flushed again (while making loud grunting noises for the people outside to hear). Walk out of the stall and ignore the line of pissed off people waitign to use the toilet, wait in the bathroom entrance. When you hear the first flush, listen to the screams and people rushing out of the bathroom.
12.Put a walkie-talkie behind one of the toilets while you're holding the other one, hide in the vents. When a person walks into the stall with the walkie-talkie and begin to take a dump, make loud farting noises and explosion sounds with into your walkie-talkie.
+10,000 Jokes