ID: 4098
Gross
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
ID: 11830
Gross
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."
The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"
ID: 2073
Gross
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
ID: 2709
Gross
A mortician was examining Mr. Zeron's body before sending it to be cremated. He discovered the longest private part he had ever seen on Zeron. He felt it a pity to cremate him with it, so, apologising to the corpse, the mortician used his tools to remove the tremendously huge private part.
The mortician stuffed the prize possesion into his briefcase and took it home to show his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said and opened his briefcase.
Upon seeing it, his wife cried, "Oh my God! Zeron is dead!"
ID: 8934
Gross
What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
We taste like chicken!!
ID: 7745
Gross
What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A love call.
ID: 6776
Gross
Husband and wife are doing the spring house cleaning. Wife asks husband to hang some new curtain rods, but he can't do it without toggle bolts.
He sends her to the hardware store where she asks the man behind the counter for two toggle bolts. He puts them on the counter, then asks, "You wanna screw for these?"
"No," she replies, "but I'll blow you for the clock radio on the shelf."
ID: 583
Gross
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the
bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come
out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you
are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
ID: 815
Gross
A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had
lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the
island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on
the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.
POOF!
A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta
there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes!
Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think
about my margins."
"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white
and surrounded by women."
"No problem" said the Genie.
POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached
+10,000 Jokes