ID: 13169
Gross
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.
"Tea time."
ID: 18007
Gross
An elderly couple (BATTERY AND BOODLER) was attending mass.
About halfway through, BOODLER leans over and says to BATTERY, "I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?"
BATTERY replied, "That was sexy. Put a new battery in your vibrator; then let's go home and fuck our brains out."
ID: 11041
Gross
I went to Google Translater to write something to my friend in German.
I typed in English:
Hey there! I am bored. What do you want to do?
It came out in German:
Hey dort! ich werde gebohrt, was Sie tun möchten?
If I translate it back into English, it comes out:
Hey there! I am bored, which you would like to do?
I don't want to do anyone!
ID: 10496
Gross
When the whole class had left the little boy said, "Teacher, give me an A+ on my math test." The teacher then says "No." Then the boy said, "Give me an A, or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you will get fired. So the teacher finally agrees, and gives him an A on his test. Then the boy says, "Teacher take off your shirt." The teacher says "No!" So the little boy says, "Take off your shirt, or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her shirt. Then the little boy says, "Take off your pants." But again, the teacher says, "No!" So the little boy says, "Take off your pants or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her pants. Then the boy said take off your bra and panties but the teacher says, "No!" So the boy says, "Take off your bra and panties or ill tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her bra and panties. Then the little boy says, "Get on the desk and lie down." But the teacher says, "No!" So the boy says, "Get on the desk or ill tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll be fired." So the teacher gets on the desk and lies down. Then the boy says, "Let me get on top of you." But the teacher says, "No!" So the boy says, "Let me get on top of you or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired." So the teacher lets him get on top of her. Then the little boy says, "Teacher, let's start moving." But the teacher says, "No!" So the little boy says, "Let's start moving or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll be fired. So the little boy and the teacher start moving. Jjust then, the mom, the dad, and the principal come into the room, and the little boy shouts, "Dad, look, I'm doing it! I'm doing it!" And all three of them fainted.
ID: 18070
Gross
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
ID: 17073
Gross
One day a man was sitting on a toilet with his solar power laptop, then his laptop fell in the toilet. He ran out of the bathroom screaming. The next person sat down to use the toilet. When he was done, he stood up looked at the toilet and screamed out of the bathroom. All the people in the bathroom ran out of the bathroom screaming.
ID: 12418
Gross
Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing "I've Got Peace Like a River."
ID: 18034
Gross
33% of men use their left hand to pee. 67% of men use their right hand. 89% wanted to know why I'm watching them pee.
ID: 12574
Gross
My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting,
and from now on, I had to pick it myself.
+10,000 Jokes