ID: 3502
College
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."
ID: 17850
College
A rich Texan told the president of the University of Texas, "I want to set you up with a billion-dollar endowment fund, with but one condition."
"What's the condition?" asked the U.T president.
"I want you to give my horse an honorary degree. She's served me faithfully for fifteen years and she deserves a B.T. degree, a Bachelor of Transportation."
The president said, "I've got to consult my trustees. I'll get back to you."
The trustees debated an hour until one senior trustee, who had appeared to be napping during the whole discussion, said softly, "I think we should take his money and give the horse the degree."
Another trustee piped up, "But wouldn't you be embarrassed to give an honorary degree to a horse?"
"Nope," said the old man. "In fact, it would be the first time I can remember that we gave an honorary degree to a whole horse!"
ID: 7628
College
The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mighty crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room" replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."
"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."
"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."
ID: 17694
College
Music Teacher: Anyone has a suggestion to which song we should play next?
Johnny: How 'bout we sing 'The Teacher is A Big Fat Bitch. . .in C-Minor?'
ID: 16367
College
Brad: I have to take three courses in college; French, Spanish, and algebra
Chris: Okay, let me hear you say hi in algebra.
ID: 200
College
A college student sent the following letter to her parents:
Hi Parent$!
Today i$ $eptember 15. I'm doing $uperb in $chool (or, $hould I $ay, college). The teacher$ are great, my roommate$ are great, and I'm having a $uper time! All I could u$e right now is a little ca$h.
To which the parents responded:
Hi daughter!
NOthing happening on this end. Something's wrong, because you kNOw, we got this letter in NOvember. I am NOt worrying about anything down here, kNOck on wood huh?
Your loving parents,
NOrden and Morden Finkelstein.
ID: 17875
College
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
ID: 13327
College
Student was searching for divine inspiration. Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God. Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is. And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild...in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping...in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school's logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.
VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac. It is easy to make and you don't need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.
This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!
ID: 13664
College
My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well.
"You all are brainwashed," he said.
Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment.
"Let me demonstrate," he continued, "'I'm Cuckoo for...'"
"Cocoa Puffs!" the class replied.
"You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'"
Then, this one guy in my class said, "If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em."
+10,000 Jokes