ID: 16298
College
After failing his "Logistics and Organization" exam, a student confronted his professor.
"Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?"
"Of course, otherwise I would not be a professor!"
"Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly, but if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam."
"Okay, it's a deal. What's your question?"
"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
After long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an "A."
Afterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question.
The good student answered immediately: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical; your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal - and the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!"
ID: 15193
College
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, approximately two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full and they agreed that it was.
Next, he picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So, he picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He again asked the students if the jar was full. They responded with a unanimous "yes".
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
As the laughter subsided, the professor said, "Now, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the faucet. Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
At that point, one of the students raised her hand and asked what the beer represented.
Smiling, the professor replied, "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
ID: 15190
College
A well-endowed university student was always being teased by her sorority sisters for being a size 36DD.
One night, at a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to drink.
"I'll have a diet soda, please," she replied.
"Oh, you must be the double D," he said.
Furious, the girl wondered which one of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information.
"And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.
Confused by her angry response, the man stammered, "You know, the designated driver."
ID: 15187
College
Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, "How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?"
"I'm the class of 2006. I just graduated from Harvard and I'm very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!"
The driver shakes the young man's hand and replies, "Congratulations, young man. I'm George, class of 1968."
ID: 12726
College
Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is?
Jimmy:It's a fake diamond,Miss.
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What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?
The multiplication table.
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'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher.
'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried.
'How did she do that?'
'I hit her on the head with it.'
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The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad.
'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.'
'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past nine now.'
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What is the most popular sentence at school?
I don't know!
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Teacher: 'Are you good at arithmetic?'
Hal: 'Well,yes and no.'
Teacher: 'What do you mean,yes and no?'
Hal: 'Yes,I'm no good at arithmetic.'
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Science teacher: 'Lisa,can you tell me one substance that conducts electricity?'
Lisa: 'Why,er...'
Science teacher: 'Wire is correct.'
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When is a yellow school book not a yellow school book?
When it is read!
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Teacher: 'Eat up your roast beef, it's full of iron.'
Pupil: 'No wonder it's so tough.'
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Why should a school not be near a chicken farm?
To avoid the pupils overhearing fowl language.
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ID: 14882
College
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
ID: 13221
College
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high-flying fogs.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
ID: 10749
College
A college student walks down the road when he sees a beggar on the side of the street.
College Student (C) : Hey mister! whatsup!
Beggar (B) : Yea how you doin'...
C: So, how long have you've been a beggar?
B: It's about eight years now kid..
C: WOW! Thats long time.. how much do you get per day?
B: Not that bad... about 250 bucks a day...
C: That's enermous!
B: Yeah.. Enough for living my family..
C: Owch.. you got family too! Where are they now?
B: My wife's dead. I got three children, one of them in Harvard University, one in MIT, and the other one went oversea, he goes to Oxford University...
C: *pause, surprised* That's..that's really great... So, when they're gonna be graduated?
B: No kid... they're not studying! They beg in there! just like me!!
ID: 12597
College
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
+10,000 Jokes