ID: 17538
College
If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my Social Studies class; it would seem so much longer.
ID: 17419
College
What's the integral of 1/cabin?
A natural log cabin.
No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!
ID: 15850
College
Dear son,
Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway.
Love,
Dad
ID: 17438
College
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
ID: 15676
College
This truly happened in an advanced oral English classroom:
When the teacher asked the students: "What surprised you most in Tsinghua?"
One of them answered, "Well, I'd heard that girls in Tsinghua were terribly ugly before I came here. However, when I arrived here myself, I was surprised to find
there's so many pretty girls, some of them are even sexy......"
At that, all girls in the room smiled shyly. Then he continued, "But when the holiday was over, I found all of them had gone!"
ID: 12726
College
Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is?
Jimmy:It's a fake diamond,Miss.
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What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?
The multiplication table.
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'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher.
'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried.
'How did she do that?'
'I hit her on the head with it.'
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The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad.
'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.'
'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past nine now.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the most popular sentence at school?
I don't know!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: 'Are you good at arithmetic?'
Hal: 'Well,yes and no.'
Teacher: 'What do you mean,yes and no?'
Hal: 'Yes,I'm no good at arithmetic.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Science teacher: 'Lisa,can you tell me one substance that conducts electricity?'
Lisa: 'Why,er...'
Science teacher: 'Wire is correct.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
When is a yellow school book not a yellow school book?
When it is read!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: 'Eat up your roast beef, it's full of iron.'
Pupil: 'No wonder it's so tough.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Why should a school not be near a chicken farm?
To avoid the pupils overhearing fowl language.
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ID: 13251
College
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
ID: 12599
College
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.
Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night
Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
ID: 13216
College
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
He restoreth my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grades sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown;
For thou art with me.
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding.
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of my examinations,
And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever,
Amen!
+10,000 Jokes