ID: 17440
College
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Extra Credit I: Define the universe, and give three examples.
Extra Credit II: Rewrite the exam on parchment with a quill, and do all practical projects as if you lived in the Middle Ages.
ID: 15850
College
Dear son,
Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway.
Love,
Dad
ID: 14798
College
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?"
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.
ID: 17433
College
What is sin x divided by n?
Canceling the "n" yields six.
ID: 16367
College
Brad: I have to take three courses in college; French, Spanish, and algebra
Chris: Okay, let me hear you say hi in algebra.
ID: 14145
College
A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."
ID: 17850
College
A rich Texan told the president of the University of Texas, "I want to set you up with a billion-dollar endowment fund, with but one condition."
"What's the condition?" asked the U.T president.
"I want you to give my horse an honorary degree. She's served me faithfully for fifteen years and she deserves a B.T. degree, a Bachelor of Transportation."
The president said, "I've got to consult my trustees. I'll get back to you."
The trustees debated an hour until one senior trustee, who had appeared to be napping during the whole discussion, said softly, "I think we should take his money and give the horse the degree."
Another trustee piped up, "But wouldn't you be embarrassed to give an honorary degree to a horse?"
"Nope," said the old man. "In fact, it would be the first time I can remember that we gave an honorary degree to a whole horse!"
ID: 17419
College
What's the integral of 1/cabin?
A natural log cabin.
No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!
ID: 17437
College
The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don't have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don't make your eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you'll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:
a. They don't own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn't to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin' rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
d. They don't arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people too."
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it's two hours before the paper is due and you haven't even written the first line. You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."
c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole' days when it wasn't considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you're made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn't begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn't necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, "food fight!"
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won't have any friends who'll try to talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it's crucial that, on your college application you don't mention:
a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political prisoner."
b. You haven't tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.
7) It's a generally considered a bad sign if:
a. You're asked to pledge "Geek."
b. MIT tells you they'll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you're best qualified to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you've never passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you're paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you've figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey's syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)
d. All of the below.
Scoring your test:
For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F - See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!
+10,000 Jokes