ID: 4586
College
The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"
ID: 14079
College
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"
ID: 17694
College
Music Teacher: Anyone has a suggestion to which song we should play next?
Johnny: How 'bout we sing 'The Teacher is A Big Fat Bitch. . .in C-Minor?'
ID: 17154
College
A few weeks ago, my Health teacher set up a competition, saying the winning group would win an extra credit point. We were separated into five groups; water, electricity, food, paper, and gas.
Each group had to come up with at least twenty ways to preserve their element. The group that came up with the most solutions would win the extra credit point.
Near the end of the of the class, the teacher had reported that there were two winning teams; electricity, and gas. They had tied equally with very good responses.
The teacher then said that both of those teams would need to come up with a final way to preserve their element, and whoever had the best one, would be determined the winner.
"I'll pick the best one tomorrow," she said. "I'll need both teams to speak with me. Alright, who has gas?"
Several students shot their hands up in the air before they realized exactly what she had said. One was laughing so hard that tears rolled down her face.
-Member of the electricity group
ID: 15850
College
Dear son,
Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway.
Love,
Dad
ID: 18186
College
Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining
(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)
Mean Girl #1: "Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet."
Mean Girl #2: "Are you kidding? She's never been on a diet in her life!"
(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)
Girl #3: *taken aback* "I...I worked out today. I need the protein."
Me: "Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!"
Mean Girl #1: "Yeah, I guess you don't have to worry about what you eat if you're already fat and ugly!"
(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)
Coworker: "Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?"
Girl #3: "Are you serious?"
Coworker: "Completely! Who wouldn't want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?"
(This was five years ago. I'm going to be the best man at their wedding.)
ID: 13664
College
My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well.
"You all are brainwashed," he said.
Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment.
"Let me demonstrate," he continued, "'I'm Cuckoo for...'"
"Cocoa Puffs!" the class replied.
"You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'"
Then, this one guy in my class said, "If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em."
ID: 12726
College
Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is?
Jimmy:It's a fake diamond,Miss.
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What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?
The multiplication table.
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'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher.
'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried.
'How did she do that?'
'I hit her on the head with it.'
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The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad.
'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.'
'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past nine now.'
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What is the most popular sentence at school?
I don't know!
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Teacher: 'Are you good at arithmetic?'
Hal: 'Well,yes and no.'
Teacher: 'What do you mean,yes and no?'
Hal: 'Yes,I'm no good at arithmetic.'
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Science teacher: 'Lisa,can you tell me one substance that conducts electricity?'
Lisa: 'Why,er...'
Science teacher: 'Wire is correct.'
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When is a yellow school book not a yellow school book?
When it is read!
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Teacher: 'Eat up your roast beef, it's full of iron.'
Pupil: 'No wonder it's so tough.'
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Why should a school not be near a chicken farm?
To avoid the pupils overhearing fowl language.
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ID: 17928
College
A lecturing teacher noticed a lack of enthusiasm in her class. Few were paying attention so she decided to make an announcement, "The person to answer this next question gets to go home."
The students were all brought to attention and a buzz went over the room. Suddenly, a male student grabbed his bag nd threw it out the window. The entire class went quiet. The teacher said, "Who did that?!" with a sense of anger behind her voice.
"Me," the male student replied. "Now I can go home for answering your question." So he walked out of the classroom.
+10,000 Jokes