ID: 13218
College
'Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last-minute knowledge.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking.
In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his book,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy;
My eyes went ablur,
And I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades earned in school.
When all of a sudden
Our door opened wide
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
But summoning effort
He started to bellow:
"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss
To toss back at teachers
What they have tossed us?
On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wing-it and Sling-it,
And Last-Minute Crams!"
His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night:
"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best
Happy Finals to all,
And to All, a good test."
ID: 3502
College
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."
ID: 5464
College
Exam Question: Define courage.
Student Answer: This is.
ID: 15191
College
A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.
"Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!" he says. "Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!"
"That's amazing!" exclaims his father. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the son says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again.
"So, how's Rex doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father. ""No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class," the son says. So the father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the son finds he has a problem. When he gets home, his father is going to find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Rex?" asks his father. "I can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the son says, "I have some pretty grim news. When I got out of the shower this morning, Rex was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messin' around with that hot blonde who lives on Minute Street?'"
The father replies, "Damn! I sure hope you shot that lyin' dog!"
The son replies, "I sure did, Dad!"
ID: 6899
College
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked the problem on his calculator (he KNEW he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
ID: 4395
College
Teacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted."
Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?"
Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year."
Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."
ID: 15336
College
"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
ID: 13216
College
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
He restoreth my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grades sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown;
For thou art with me.
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding.
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of my examinations,
And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever,
Amen!
ID: 13251
College
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
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