ID: 14143
College
Each simile listed below was actually used by high school students in their various essays and short stories:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 P.M. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "second tall man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers race across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
ID: 6899
College
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked the problem on his calculator (he KNEW he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
ID: 991
College
My college doesn't allow pets in my dorm, so when I got a kitten I had the guys in my dorm refer to him as "the Book" to avoid suspicion.
One morning, as I carried the kitten out to my car in a crate, my girlfriend stopped me and asked, "where are you taking the Book?"
"She's getting Spayed today," I said.
"Hmm..." she said. "I guess that means no sequels!"
ID: 7586
College
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'
'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'
'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'
'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'
ID: 37
College
An Engineering Major says "How does it work?"
A Science Major says "Why does it work?"
An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?"
A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"
ID: 5464
College
Exam Question: Define courage.
Student Answer: This is.
ID: 17422
College
Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
ID: 9093
College
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L."
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
ID: 123
College
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about 50 years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)
+10,000 Jokes