ID: 15676
College
This truly happened in an advanced oral English classroom:
When the teacher asked the students: "What surprised you most in Tsinghua?"
One of them answered, "Well, I'd heard that girls in Tsinghua were terribly ugly before I came here. However, when I arrived here myself, I was surprised to find
there's so many pretty girls, some of them are even sexy......"
At that, all girls in the room smiled shyly. Then he continued, "But when the holiday was over, I found all of them had gone!"
ID: 12597
College
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
ID: 12596
College
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
ID: 14145
College
A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."
ID: 13664
College
My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well.
"You all are brainwashed," he said.
Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment.
"Let me demonstrate," he continued, "'I'm Cuckoo for...'"
"Cocoa Puffs!" the class replied.
"You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'"
Then, this one guy in my class said, "If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em."
ID: 15191
College
A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.
"Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!" he says. "Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!"
"That's amazing!" exclaims his father. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the son says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again.
"So, how's Rex doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father. ""No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class," the son says. So the father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the son finds he has a problem. When he gets home, his father is going to find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Rex?" asks his father. "I can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the son says, "I have some pretty grim news. When I got out of the shower this morning, Rex was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messin' around with that hot blonde who lives on Minute Street?'"
The father replies, "Damn! I sure hope you shot that lyin' dog!"
The son replies, "I sure did, Dad!"
ID: 12726
College
Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is?
Jimmy:It's a fake diamond,Miss.
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What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?
The multiplication table.
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'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher.
'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried.
'How did she do that?'
'I hit her on the head with it.'
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The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad.
'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.'
'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past nine now.'
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What is the most popular sentence at school?
I don't know!
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Teacher: 'Are you good at arithmetic?'
Hal: 'Well,yes and no.'
Teacher: 'What do you mean,yes and no?'
Hal: 'Yes,I'm no good at arithmetic.'
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Science teacher: 'Lisa,can you tell me one substance that conducts electricity?'
Lisa: 'Why,er...'
Science teacher: 'Wire is correct.'
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When is a yellow school book not a yellow school book?
When it is read!
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Teacher: 'Eat up your roast beef, it's full of iron.'
Pupil: 'No wonder it's so tough.'
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Why should a school not be near a chicken farm?
To avoid the pupils overhearing fowl language.
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ID: 14148
College
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
ID: 14143
College
Each simile listed below was actually used by high school students in their various essays and short stories:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 P.M. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "second tall man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers race across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
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