ID: 14798
College
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?"
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.
ID: 2718
College
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor on the way back, and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it. I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Make yourself a power snack.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowlers Tour b) any news report involving the President.
21. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask how everyone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench coated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and groan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that damn paper.
ID: 5464
College
Exam Question: Define courage.
Student Answer: This is.
ID: 7152
College
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
ID: 2374
College
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
ID: 991
College
My college doesn't allow pets in my dorm, so when I got a kitten I had the guys in my dorm refer to him as "the Book" to avoid suspicion.
One morning, as I carried the kitten out to my car in a crate, my girlfriend stopped me and asked, "where are you taking the Book?"
"She's getting Spayed today," I said.
"Hmm..." she said. "I guess that means no sequels!"
ID: 17435
College
If 1/(x-8) approaches â as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/(x-3) approach Ï as x approaches 3 from above?
ID: 1176
College
It was the first day of college, and time for the usual 'authoritative declaration of the not to be broken rules'. The principal, in typical intimidating fashion, addressed the students:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students. The male dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all the female students". The principal, sensing he was on a roll, stood tall and powerful as he covered the punishments for breaking the rules. "Be wary, anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20. It doesn't stop there though, anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
ID: 17441
College
Super Agility: "Oh look, a bullet. Better dodge that!" *mega-jump!*
Bulletproof: "Oh look, a bullet. Meh, who cares?"
Super Smart: "Eureka! A Bullet! It going 60 MPH will hit me in 5 seconds if it contacts, but there is only a 1 in 7 chance it will hit me, the decimal being 0.1428571429 to the tenth pl-OOOFF!"
Which do YOU want?
Me: Super Agility.
Comment for your choice, but it doesn't have to be one of these.
+10,000 Jokes