ID: 3502
College
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."
ID: 8446
College
A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand this:
"You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ....."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior citizen said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are *you* doing for the next generation???"
ID: 3917
College
A not necessarily well-prepared college student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write?" He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer.
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
ID: 17422
College
Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
ID: 3804
College
A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The only "A+" in the class read:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
ID: 1695
College
"Dear Mother and Dad,
It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down, okay?
Well, then, I'm getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment.
It's really a basement room, and it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my "down there" but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease and there is no miscegenation in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, JL
ID: 4586
College
The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"
ID: 200
College
A college student sent the following letter to her parents:
Hi Parent$!
Today i$ $eptember 15. I'm doing $uperb in $chool (or, $hould I $ay, college). The teacher$ are great, my roommate$ are great, and I'm having a $uper time! All I could u$e right now is a little ca$h.
To which the parents responded:
Hi daughter!
NOthing happening on this end. Something's wrong, because you kNOw, we got this letter in NOvember. I am NOt worrying about anything down here, kNOck on wood huh?
Your loving parents,
NOrden and Morden Finkelstein.
ID: 4223
College
File description: This high school math exam gives you insight into life in a crime-filled society.
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:____________________
Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
+10,000 Jokes