ID: 16011
College
It was late in the evening and I was studying in the university library's reading room. It was in the middle of final exams, so the library was a hectic place with students milling around everywhere. I was sitting at my desk with my pile of books and felt the need for a nap before I continued with my work. I wasn't asleep long before I was awakened by laughter. To my surprise, everyone who was laughing was also looking at me. I looked around the room, silently pleading for answers, when someone next to me leaned over and whispered, "You were farting in your sleep."
ID: 12011
College
Jerry, a college freshman, was sitting in his English class. His teacher noticed that he wasn't paying attention, so asked to see him after class. Jerry went up to the teacher's desk, and waited while the teacher was talking to a attractive freshman girl. When he was done, he said, "Jerry, why weren't you paying attention in my class?" "I was staring at the hot babe you were just talking to," Jerry said.
"But don't get any ideas," Jerry said, "you're way to old for her."
"Oh, really?" the teacher said. "Yeah, you're old enough to be her father!" said Jerry.
"This talk is over!" said the teacher. Jerry starts to walk out when the teacher says, "And by the way, Jerry, next class don't stare at my daughter!"
ID: 3804
College
A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The only "A+" in the class read:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
ID: 3917
College
A not necessarily well-prepared college student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write?" He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer.
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
ID: 12006
College
In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter.
Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"
ID: 15676
College
This truly happened in an advanced oral English classroom:
When the teacher asked the students: "What surprised you most in Tsinghua?"
One of them answered, "Well, I'd heard that girls in Tsinghua were terribly ugly before I came here. However, when I arrived here myself, I was surprised to find
there's so many pretty girls, some of them are even sexy......"
At that, all girls in the room smiled shyly. Then he continued, "But when the holiday was over, I found all of them had gone!"
ID: 17439
College
Jan 3rd, 1995
I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!
Jan 4th, 1995
Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the university campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia. Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:
They: Do you know what you're doing?
Me: This is Belgium, right?
They: You have a masters in English?
Me: I have a Red Volvo!
They: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics?
Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!
I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.
Jan 5th, 1995
Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless.
Jan 6th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.
Jan 7th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.
Jan 8th, 1995
I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.
Jan 9th, 1995
Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month sabattical.
Jan 12th, 1995
My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received.
Jan 13th, 1995
A minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my telephone book instead of my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point. I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one.
Jan 14th, 1995
Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content.
Jan 16th, 1995
Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of my sabattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.
Jul 17th, 1995
Back from sabattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.
Jul 18th, 1995
Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one was attending my courses.
Jul 21st, 1995
My students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants are only paid to attending students. Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly weeping.
Jul 24th, 1995
I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sabattical, which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a copy.
Oct 24th, 1995
Exam day.
Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and mark the exams.
Oct 27th, 1995
I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid sabbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day of term next year. I think I'm on a winner here.
ID: 37
College
An Engineering Major says "How does it work?"
A Science Major says "Why does it work?"
An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?"
A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"
ID: 13481
College
That I would never watch the news, and I would be totally out of touch with the world happenings.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.
That college kids throw airplanes too.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test. (I know a bunch of us are testimony to this one!)
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That I would become one of those people that my parents warned me about.
That the more money your parents give you, the less you have every time you check your account!
+10,000 Jokes