ID: 14798
College
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?"
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.
ID: 2374
College
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
ID: 12006
College
In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter.
Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"
ID: 1371
College
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No, you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
ID: 2386
College
To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________
I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
__6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam for me.
__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
__ Males
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Jews
__ Catholics
__ Whites
__ Protestants
__ Minorities
__ Chicanos
__ Students
__ People
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
__ mono
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ VD
__ fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.
__17. This course was:
__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
__19. Other reason: __________________.
ID: 6518
College
You Know You've Been In College Too Long When...
* You consider McDonald's "real food."
* You actually like doing laundry at home.
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
* It starts getting late on the weeknights.
* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
* You'd rather clean than study.
* Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life.
* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
* You know the pizza boy by name.
* You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
* You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)
* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
* Prank phone calls become funny again.
* Wal-Mart is the coolest store.
* World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.
* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
* You find out milk crates have so many uses.
* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday. (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)
ID: 3298
College
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
ID: 6970
College
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
ID: 17421
College
If only DEAD people understand hexadecimal, how many people understand hexadecimal?
57005.
+10,000 Jokes