ID: 12598
College
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
ID: 14148
College
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
ID: 15191
College
A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.
"Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!" he says. "Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!"
"That's amazing!" exclaims his father. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the son says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again.
"So, how's Rex doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father. ""No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class," the son says. So the father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the son finds he has a problem. When he gets home, his father is going to find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Rex?" asks his father. "I can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the son says, "I have some pretty grim news. When I got out of the shower this morning, Rex was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messin' around with that hot blonde who lives on Minute Street?'"
The father replies, "Damn! I sure hope you shot that lyin' dog!"
The son replies, "I sure did, Dad!"
ID: 15336
College
"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
ID: 13711
College
A man goes to school and learns stuff.
ID: 18186
College
Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining
(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)
Mean Girl #1: "Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet."
Mean Girl #2: "Are you kidding? She's never been on a diet in her life!"
(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)
Girl #3: *taken aback* "I...I worked out today. I need the protein."
Me: "Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!"
Mean Girl #1: "Yeah, I guess you don't have to worry about what you eat if you're already fat and ugly!"
(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)
Coworker: "Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?"
Girl #3: "Are you serious?"
Coworker: "Completely! Who wouldn't want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?"
(This was five years ago. I'm going to be the best man at their wedding.)
ID: 17875
College
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
ID: 13511
College
Once, a barber found two MIT students wanting to buy his barber pole. They offered a good price for it, so the barber sold it to them. So - these two guys drove around all day in a pickup truck carrying the barber pole. They kept getting stopped by the police, who were sure they had stolen the pole. But each time, the students referred back to the barber they had bought the pole from. So finally, an APB went out all over Boston, saying that if police saw two students driving around with a barber pole, they should leave them alone.
The next day, every single barber pole in Boston was missing.
ID: 14882
College
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
+10,000 Jokes