ID: 487
College
Dear Mr. Conners,
Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
ID: 12262
College
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
ID: 14798
College
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?"
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.
ID: 13216
College
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
He restoreth my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grades sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown;
For thou art with me.
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding.
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of my examinations,
And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever,
Amen!
ID: 13512
College
In my college dorm we had one of those irritating type guys who was born with more money than most of us could ever dream of earning, and naturally we resented his Porsche, his boat, and the women who hung all over same. The guy went out of his way to remind us all about his money, car, and especially the women. Most of us were 2 and 3 to a dorm room, but he had a room all to himself at the end of the hall in the dorm.
So........ when he took off for an extended weekend, a bunch of us theatre department freaks went to his door, removed the doorknob, plastered over the entire wall at the end of the hall, nailed up new wood molding, painted the entire hallway a new color and changed all the remaining door numbers. When our "target" returned, his room had simply vanished!
ID: 12590
College
Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.
During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.
After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.
Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.
The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
ID: 12599
College
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.
Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night
Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
ID: 12596
College
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
ID: 12597
College
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
+10,000 Jokes