ID: 13481
College
That I would never watch the news, and I would be totally out of touch with the world happenings.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.
That college kids throw airplanes too.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test. (I know a bunch of us are testimony to this one!)
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That I would become one of those people that my parents warned me about.
That the more money your parents give you, the less you have every time you check your account!
ID: 487
College
Dear Mr. Conners,
Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
ID: 6518
College
You Know You've Been In College Too Long When...
* You consider McDonald's "real food."
* You actually like doing laundry at home.
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
* It starts getting late on the weeknights.
* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
* You'd rather clean than study.
* Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life.
* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
* You know the pizza boy by name.
* You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
* You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)
* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
* Prank phone calls become funny again.
* Wal-Mart is the coolest store.
* World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.
* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
* You find out milk crates have so many uses.
* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday. (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)
ID: 16367
College
Brad: I have to take three courses in college; French, Spanish, and algebra
Chris: Okay, let me hear you say hi in algebra.
ID: 14794
College
In the university, the lecturers were entering their classes. Meanwhile, the students were doing their own stuff. When the lecturer said,"Class, attention please!" all of them still did something else. Of course they didn't pay attention because the lecturer asked the CLASS to pay attention!
ID: 14148
College
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
ID: 16114
College
Subject: Students' rights during examinations
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
ID: 17437
College
The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don't have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don't make your eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you'll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:
a. They don't own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn't to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin' rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
d. They don't arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people too."
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it's two hours before the paper is due and you haven't even written the first line. You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."
c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole' days when it wasn't considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you're made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn't begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn't necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, "food fight!"
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won't have any friends who'll try to talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it's crucial that, on your college application you don't mention:
a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political prisoner."
b. You haven't tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.
7) It's a generally considered a bad sign if:
a. You're asked to pledge "Geek."
b. MIT tells you they'll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you're best qualified to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you've never passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you're paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you've figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey's syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)
d. All of the below.
Scoring your test:
For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F - See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!
ID: 15531
College
1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.
10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."
+10,000 Jokes