ID: 1176
College
It was the first day of college, and time for the usual 'authoritative declaration of the not to be broken rules'. The principal, in typical intimidating fashion, addressed the students:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students. The male dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all the female students". The principal, sensing he was on a roll, stood tall and powerful as he covered the punishments for breaking the rules. "Be wary, anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20. It doesn't stop there though, anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
ID: 9422
College
1. Only raise your hand when you want to sharpen your pencil or go to the bathroom. Repeat every ten minutes.
2. Never raise your hand when you want to answer a question; instead, yell, "Ooooh! Oooh! Oooh!" and then, when the teacher calls on you, say, "I forgot what I was going to say."
3. Lean your chair back, take off your shoes, and put your feet up on your desk. Act surprised when the teacher puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor.
4. Drop the eraser end of your pencil on your desk. See how high it will bounce.
5. Drop your books on the floor. See how loud a noise you can make.
6. Hum. Get all your friends to join in.
7. Hold your nose, make a face, and say, "P.U.!" Fan the air away from your face and point to the kid in the front of you.
8. On the last day of school, lead your classmates in chanting:
"No more pencils!
No more books!
No more teachers'
dirty looks!"
9. Then on your way out the door, tell the teacher, "Bet you're looking forward to summer vacation this year. But I'll sure miss you. You're the best teacher I've ever had!"
ID: 7586
College
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'
'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'
'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'
'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'
ID: 15589
College
45 Fun Things to Do on a Paper You Don't Care About
1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.
12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.
15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
16. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.
23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.
25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.
27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.
28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.
31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.
33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.
35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.
37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.
38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action"
ID: 14151
College
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Justin," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Justin answered the correct airline.
"Sandra, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Sandra answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now Allison, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And Allison answered, "Mom..."
ID: 4514
College
A candidate brought dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The superintendent just gave a glimpse at this candidate, as he passed by, as it is common to have students trying their luck. Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table. Half an hour later, the candidate sat up, and started tossing the dice again The superintendent felt curious, and approached the candidate.
Superintendent : "Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again, since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?"
Candidate : "Sir, I have to double check my answers"
ID: 6518
College
You Know You've Been In College Too Long When...
* You consider McDonald's "real food."
* You actually like doing laundry at home.
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
* It starts getting late on the weeknights.
* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
* You'd rather clean than study.
* Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life.
* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
* You know the pizza boy by name.
* You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
* You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)
* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
* Prank phone calls become funny again.
* Wal-Mart is the coolest store.
* World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.
* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
* You find out milk crates have so many uses.
* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday. (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)
ID: 13722
College
To find the inverse of a function, you reverse the process. To find the inverse of putting on your socks and shoes, how do you start?
Socks first!
ID: 1371
College
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No, you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
+10,000 Jokes