ID: 740
Children
One Sunday morning, as was his custom, the pastor of a small church had all the children come up front for a brief children's church. He enjoyed asking the children various questions, and hearing their answers. On this particular morning, he noticed little Susie feeling a bit shy, so he leans over to her and says, "Susie, that's certainly a lovely dress you're wearing!" Little Susie then leans over and says right into the pastor's lapel mic, "yes, and my mommy says its a bitch to iron".
ID: 5521
Children
Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school?
Joey: 97.
Teacher: 97?
Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.
ID: 374
Children
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
ID: 335
Children
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes.
She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
ID: 4568
Children
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice...
"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."
ID: 927
Children
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and
daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
ID: 735
Children
Mother to teenage daughter:
"The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."
ID: 4735
Children
Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy?
Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.
ID: 647
Children
Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop.
"Jimmy," she said, "You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails." Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop.
The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, "I know what YOU'VE been doing...."
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