ID: 9092
Children
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."
ID: 16014
Children
When my oldest child was about three years old, we took a trip to a local fast food restaurant. I wearing my new favorite article of clothing: a pair of bright pink, elastic waist pants that I'd bought the day before. Although they were a little big on me, I instantly fell I love with them and just had to buy them. So there we were in a popular restaurant with me in my pretty pink pants and my son clinging firmly to his mommy's leg while we looked for a place to sit. It seems that grace does not run in our family, because before we were able to sit down, my son tripped and fell, taking my new pants with him! I could hear the laughter simmering as I stood there bare bottomed, with my hands full and nowhere to set down my tray. Finally, a girl from behind the counter came to the rescue and took the tray out of my hands so that I could re-pants myself. The pink pants were donated to goodwill the next day with a note attached, reading: "Warning! Do not attempt to wear these in the presence of small children. To do so may cause great embarrassment!"
ID: 13726
Children
One day a little girl came running into her house
yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheels while he sat in the tree." The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your undies?"
"Ohhhh" said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars." The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..." Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "Wait Mommy; I tricked him, I didn't wear any undies today."
ID: 11001
Children
Ralph's father said, "Let me see your report card."
Ralph replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
ID: 11798
Children
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
ID: 11764
Children
The class homework was to write about something unusual that had happened in the previous month.
Little Johnny stood up to read his: "Daddy fell in the well last week," he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Johnson, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said Timmy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
ID: 10999
Children
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
ID: 12573
Children
Why did the boy buy a new bum?
Coz his had a crack in it.
ID: 12803
Children
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," says the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," whined Little Johnny.
"Maybe," answered the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
+10,000 Jokes