ID: 2721
Children
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and not to talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table, so he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me, I have to go powder my nose." And, saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he returns, the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well, then," says the little girl, "you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
ID: 8390
Children
Little Johnny was running away from home, crying his eyes out, when he ran across a policeman.
"Where are you going, Little Johnny?" asked the cop.
"I'm running away from home," sobbed Little Johnny.
The cop asked him, "Why would you want to do something like that?"
"My mommy and daddy don't love me any more", he bawled.
"What would make you think that?" queries the cop.
"Well," says Little Johnny, "I asked my Mom for a brand new pair of roller skates, and she said that they couldn't afford it, the mortgage was too high."
"That doesn't mean she doesn't love you," the cop says
"No, no, no", says Little Johnny, "you don't understand. Then I asked my dad for a new bicycle and he said that they couldn't afford it because their mortgage was too high."
"Still," replies the cop, "they might be having financial difficulties right now, but I am sure that they love you."
"NO!" wails Little Johnny, "you really don't understand. I haven't told you the worst part yet. I was outside mommy and daddy's door last night, and I heard daddy scream, I'm pulling out! and then mommy yelled, I'm coming, too! and I'm telling you, right here and right now, they're NOT leaving ME with that fucking mortgage!"
ID: 13958
Children
Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot.
"Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?"
Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction.
"Actually, it's Mark."
ID: 13401
Children
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a moment, then gasped - "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph, and of course baby Jesus.
However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
ID: 13351
Children
After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist, but the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14
ID: 17128
Children
I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.
ID: 14604
Children
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.
The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
The man said, "I was looking for my father."
ID: 14691
Children
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."
ID: 15052
Children
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.
+10,000 Jokes