ID: 9672
Children
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast? My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"
ID: 1594
Children
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
ID: 1753
Children
In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching."
Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies...
One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
ID: 6198
Children
Little Johnny was doing his homework, and it was some sort of code where you had to fill in which letter is which, i.e. the letter a = 1, b = 2, d = 4, etc. He got to one that he didn't know which number it was, and he decided to ask his father, who was sitting on the couch next to him.
Little Johnny said, "Hey dad, can you tell me what the 25th letter of the alphabet is?"
The dad answered, "Y."
Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know. Gosh, do you know it or not?"
The dad said, "Y, son!"
Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know, and if you want to deny it again, then you are more of a *&^%ing *&^%$ than a ^&*# on a %$#@!
The dad took this hard, and said meekly, "It's the letter 'y', son."
Little Johnny said, "Oh, thank you, dad. So I guess this would be a bad time to ask for a raise for my allowance, eh?"
ID: 8123
Children
A boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, "God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!"
ID: 8070
Children
Sam: "Cas, phone for you!"
Cas: "Okay, thanks, Sam." --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- "Hello? Oh, hi...."
--AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION--
Sam: "So, who was it?"
Cas: "Heather."
Sam: "What did she want?"
Cas: "Our phone number."
ID: 3598
Children
A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.
She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!"
ID: 6104
Children
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
ID: 6898
Children
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
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