ID: 2856
Children
What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common?
They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.
ID: 15161
Children
The gas station was located on a main highway leading to the beach so the pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to fill up.
When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.
"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"
Wearily, the driver relied, "Yes, they are all mine, and it is NO picnic!"
ID: 15636
Children
Willie was quite a boy to have round the house.
Willie, at a passing gent,
Threw a batch of fresh cement,
Crying, "Wait until you dry.
Then you'll be a real hard guy."
*****
Little Willie, home from school,
Where he'd learned the Golden Rule,
Said, "If I eat all this cake,
Sis won't have a stomach-ache."
*****
Little Willie on his bike,
Through the village took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk.
She will live, but still can't talk.
*****
Little Willie lit a rocket,
Which his dad had in his pocket,
Next day he told Cousin Dan,
"Daddy is a traveling man."
*****
Little Willie in the best of sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
By and by the room grew chilly,
But no one liked to poke up Willie.
*****
Willie, hitting at a ball,
Lined one down the school-house hall.
Through his door came Dr. Hill;
Several teeth are missing still.
*****
Little Willie from the mirror,
Sucked the mercury off,
Thinking in his childish error,
It would cure the whooping cough.
At the funeral his weeping mother,
Smartly said to Mrs. Brown,
" 'Twas a chilly day for Willie
When the mercury went down."
ID: 15099
Children
This really happened (honest!)
A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?"
ID: 14550
Children
Little Johnny was playing in the playground when he looks over and sees two teenagers having sex. He runs over to his mum who tells him that they are making 'cupcakes'.
He then goes on and continues playing. He then sees two 20 year olds getting naked in the sand box. He runs over to his mum and asks what they are doing. She again tells him that they are making 'cupcakes'.
The next morning Little Johnny's mum asked him if he had a good sleep. He replies no. He then goes on "You and daddy were making a lot of noise when you were making 'cupcakes' last night". She Replies "And how do you know we were making "cupcakes?"
He then says with a huge grin on his face. "I licked the icing off the couch!"
ID: 9601
Children
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
ID: 11115
Children
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying,
"I want you to know that
THAT HURTS!"
ID: 11839
Children
Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box.
Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox?
Justin: Nothing!
ID: 13012
Children
The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.
"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".
"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.
The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.
Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"
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