ID: 12834
Children
It was the first day of school and this girl's teacher asked her what her name was. She said "Texas." The teacher said, "Haha, no really, what's your name?" and the girl said, "Texas," so the teacher said, "Go to the principal's office."
The principal said, "What's your name?" She replied, "Texas." He said, "Funny, what's your name?" and she said, "Texas," so he sent her home.
As Texas was walking home, a guy stopped her and said, "What's your name?" She said, "Texas." He said, "That's funny. No, really, what's your name?" She said, "Texas." He said, "I will stab you with my mother's butcher knife if you don't tell me what your real name is," and she said, "IT'S TEXAS!" so he stabbed her. When he got home, his mother asked, "Where's my butcher knife?" and he sang "DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!"
ID: 9536
Children
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I call them by their last names."
ID: 10854
Children
I don't get why we teach little kids the popular saying
"Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye."
And we wonder what is with all the violence? I mean come on that's like 100% emo.
ID: 18187
Children
(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They're ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)
Me: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers."
Father: *beaming* "No."
Me: "No, as in, no you won't tell them to stop it?"
Father: *still beaming*"Yes."
(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)
Customer 1: "So there's nothing you can do about them?"
Me: "I'm so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it."
Customer 2: "No, that won't do."
Me: "Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert..."
Customer 2: "Not what I meant. Can't you get your boss?"
Me: "I'm afraid he's not in, sir."
Customer 1: "Well we won't accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay."
Customer 3: "Hold on..."
(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They're now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)
Customer 3, to the father: "Tell them to stop it."
Father: *still beaming* "No."
Customer 1: "You're upsetting the waitress."
Father: "Do you guys even work here?"
Customer 1: "No, we're from that prison up the street. We're out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry."
(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)
Father: "You're lying."
Customer 4: "Wanna take that chance, buddy?"
(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)
ID: 17984
Children
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
ID: 17358
Children
Dad, have you got a ladder?
Yes; why?
I have to write an essay on an elephant!
ID: 17897
Children
3 year old kid: "Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!"
7 year old kid: "Really??!! Where is it?"
3 year old: "It's in p-one mile!"
ID: 16938
Children
Jacky walked into his house from school crying; his mom saw him and said, "What's wrong, Jacky?"
Jacky replied, "I lost a quarter at school!"
"There, there," replied his mother, "here's another," handing him a quarter.
Jacky cries even louder; this time his mother, upset, says, "What's the matter now?"
Jacky says, "I wish I said I lost a dollar!"
ID: 14965
Children
This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...
"Where does mommy live?"
"Minneapolis."
"Where does grandma live?"
"Baltimore."
"Where does grandpa live?"
"Baltimore."
"And where does daddy live?"
"At work!"
Needless to say, he took the next day off!
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