ID: 9536
Children
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I call them by their last names."
ID: 14243
Children
Little Johnny's Joke
Little Johnny was sitting on his backyard swing set with some of his sixth grade schoolmates one Saturday when they started to tell some jokes to each other.
Little Susie started off by saying, "Knock, knock?"
Everyone answered, "Who's there?"
Susie says, "Boo!"
Everyone replied, "Boo who?"
To which Susie said, "Why are you all crying?" and everyone broke out laughing.
At this point, Little Johnny got up and started into his joke, "Hey, did you all hear about the prostitute who got fingered by Captain Hook?"
Immediately, Little Johnny's mother, who was nearby watering the roses and had heard Little Johnny start off, came rushing over and shouted, "Alright Little Johnny! That's enough! In fact, all of you kids can go home now. Leave, please."
The following Saturday, Little Johnny again invited his friends over, this time to play some video games. During a lull in the action, Little Johnny said to everyone, "You know, there's a rumour going around that a bus load of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska. And they say..."
This time again, Little Johnny's mother was in the kitchen and came stomping in after having heard him. She said demandingly as she gathered his friends together and shuffled them towards the door, "Okay kids, it's getting late. All of you will have to leave now."
Little Johnny was puzzled and yelled back at them, "Hey! Hold on, hold on! There's still plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
ID: 12512
Children
"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father.
"Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age."
"Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"
ID: 12826
Children
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother,
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike
ID: 10911
Children
Little Billy is at home and his mom is in the shower. Billy walks in on her and sees her breasts and says "Mommy what are those?" His mom replies, "Well, Billy, those are my headlights." "Oh" says Billy. Then he looks down between her legs and sees hair there. "Mommy, what is that?" he asks. His mom thinks a bit, then says, "Billy, that is my lawn".
"Oh, i see," says Billy, and he goes back downstairs.
Later in the day, Billy's dad is in the shower and Billy walks in on him, and sees his penis. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" asks Billy. His dad, having already spoken to his mom, is well prepared and responds, "Well, Billy, that is my snake." Billy says, "Oh, ok dad" and then goes down stairs.
Later that night, when Billy is in bed, he hears noises coming from his parents bedroom, and goes to see what is going on. Upon walking into the room, Billy yells out, "MOMMY MOMMY, QUICK TURN YOUR HEADLIGHTS ON! DADDY'S SNAKE IS IN YOUR GRASS!"
This is why when you make love and have children in the house make sure to lock the door!.
ID: 9601
Children
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
ID: 13572
Children
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
Their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four characters."
ID: 13417
Children
Unpublished Children's Books
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years
ID: 9949
Children
Here are some cute things kids thought up when asked to write about the moon (all the spelling mistakes are original!)
The moon is a saterlight.
A long time ago a big object hit the Moon and some of the moon fell off.
If u look through a telliscope you can see big holes.
There are big montines on the moon just like on Earth - they are some of the left-overs of the Moon in big lumps
Neil Armstrong was the first person to step on the Moon. He had weights in his boots so he wouldn't fall off.
+10,000 Jokes