ID: 300
Children
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
ID: 874
Children
Little Johnny was sitting outside a church playing with sulphuric acid.
The priest came up to him and said "Child why are you playing with sulphuric acid? Thats dangerous! I've got some holy water inside that is much more powerful."
Little Johnny relied "How come?"
"Well last week I splashed some holy water on Mrs.Wilson's tummy and she passed a baby!" said the priest proudly.
"Thats nothing," retorted Little Johnny "I spashed some sulphuric acid on my dog's balls and he passed a Ferrari!"
ID: 1596
Children
A Duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the Duke. "I must find him."
After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the Duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," says the Duke. "I hereby admit you into my service, but I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
ID: 15268
Children
An old preacher was just getting out of church and was driving home through his neighborhood. As he was turning the corner of one of the major streets in his neighborhood, he noticed 3 boys playing dice on the sidewalk, and betting money along with it. The old preacher thinks to himself how awful the situation is, that these young children are already heading down the life of sin and he should do something to stop it.
The old preacher pulls over and gets out on the opposite side of the street and starts walking over to the boys. He calls out to the oldest looking one and asked the boy to "come here" so that as he's walking towards the boys, the oldest boy would be walking towards him. When the boy reached him, the old preacher asked him what he was doing.
"Gambling, sir" retorted the boy.
"Gambling?! How old are you son?" asked the preacher.
"I'm 14."
"14?! Well if you turn that around, you'll be 41. You'll have reached the middle years of your life, and if you stick to gambling in all that time, you'll have thrown your whole life away. You could have been married, had a successful job, kids, a home, a family, but no. You'll have thought gambling was such a "good life." Is that what you want? Did you want to live your life through sin and banished from God's grace?"
"N-n-o sir!" wailed the boy.
"Good lad. Now head on home son. The lord is smiling to find out you've said no to sin" the old preacher smiled as the boy went his way down the street.
He looked back at the other 2 boys and realized they were still shooting dice. He calls back to the next oldest looking boy and asked him to come closer.
"You boy, how old are you son?" questioned the preacher.
"I'm 12, sir." answered the boy.
"12?! Well now look here boy. If you turned that around, you'll be 21. You'll have been at the prime of your life. You'll be halfway through college, seeing a very lovely young lady, talking about starting a family with you. All these big decisions you'll be facing, and you'll have the heart to make them but not if you continue down this destructive gambling path. The colleges will turn down your applications because your credit will be bad, and your young lovely lady friend will leave you because you just can't seem to get your finances in order due to this overwhelming problem of yours. On top of everything the Mighty Lord will be frowning upon your conduct and your choice to live the life of sin. Leave this world behind son. It starts now. Now go on home son! Make the lord proud of you, for his warm smile will be all the coercing you need to leave this life behind."
"Y-y-yes sir!" said the boy, and he went the opposite way down the street towards his home.
The preacher thought his work was done for surely the final boy must have heard his words being said to his friend, but sure enough, when the preacher looked back, there he was, still shooting dice and gambling.
"I don't believe this!" he muttered. "You boy, come here a second!"
The other boy walked casually toward the preacher.
"How old are you son? Let me show you why this gambling life is a bad choice for you."
"Good mister, cause I'm 11. I'd much like to hear it!"
ID: 561
Children
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
ID: 1431
Children
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks"
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
ID: 1469
Children
Little Johnny was on a plane when the stranger in the next seat said, "Let's talk. Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
The stranger said, "How about nuclear power?"
Johnny said, "That could be interesting. But first, I have a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, grass. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow excretes a flat patty, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger said, "I have no idea."
Johnny said, "Well, then, why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
ID: 1732
Children
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
ID: 5791
Children
One day a little boy was at kindergarten. The teacher told the class their homework was to find the first five letters of the alphabet.
When the little boy got home he went to his older brother who was playing video games. "Big brother whats the first letter of the alphabet?". His big brother then said to the little boy "Shut up retard i`m sick of listening to you!".
Then the little boy went on to his second brother who was watching batman. " Big brother what`s the second letter of the alphabet?". The older brother who obviously wasn`t paying attention said " Na na na na na na na Batman!".
The little boy went on to his dad who was watching football and said "Dad whats the third letter of the alphabet?". His dad then screamed "Forty-niners, forty-niners!".
Once again the little boy went on but this time to his mom who was cooking buns and he said "Mom what`s the fourth letter of the alphabet?". His mom then yelled " My buns are on fire, my buns are on fire!".
One last time the boy went to his dad again and said "Dad what`s the fifth letter of the alphabet?". His dad who was taking out the garbage sang "In the garbage in the garbage in the garbage.".
The little boy went to school the next day and the teacher asked him what the first letter of the alphabet is the little boy said " Shut up retard i`m sick of listening to you!". The teacher was outraged " Young man what is your name?" " Na na na na na na na Batman!". The teacher was now furious " Go down to the principal`s office right now!". The little boy listened and went down to the principal`s office.
" All right young man since I am a nice principal i`ll let you pick how many spankings you will get". The little boy yelled " Forty niners forty niners". So after forty nine spankings the principal looked down at the boy and said " How do you feel now?". The little boy screamed " My buns are on fire my buns are on fire!". The principal looked at the boy and said " All right lets see if i`ve straightened you up now. Where do I live?" the little boy sang " In the garbage In the garbage In the garbage"...
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The little boy is now in millitary school due to his abc accident.
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