ID: 14987
Children
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" he said.
"That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
ID: 5521
Children
Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school?
Joey: 97.
Teacher: 97?
Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.
ID: 8916
Children
1. During recess time,
I like skipping rope.
When I skip I shout a rhyme,
And jump with all my hope.
2. I didn't study for the test even though I should've.
I was playing PS2 and I would've,
so I copied off of yours,
I got them all wrong,
so now I sing this song. (sing over and over this is an endless song.)
3. Some gum chum?
It's watermelon,
although I chewed it some,
and it is jerybellum. (jerybellum - bubble gum co.)
ID: 8009
Children
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was NOT mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon'."
I think I'll go have a salad now...
ID: 6112
Children
It was Father's Day, and Little Billy's mom told him to tell his dad to just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive.
So Little Billy went into the family room where he found his dad watching TV. Little Billy said, "Dad, it's Father's Day, so mom and me think that you should just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive." His dad looked up from the TV and smiled, then went back to watching his show.
Little Billy paused a moment and said, "You know, just like you usually do..."
ID: 8559
Children
One day a little boy came over to his friends house and said, "Ah shit! I got gunk on my shoe!" As he was saying it, the friend's dad came over to the little boy and said, "How dare you say that in front of my child!" The dad sent the little boy home and called his father, telling him to come over to his house and talk to him.
The father came over and said, "So what if my boy said that? it's not like your kids haven't overheard you say a curse word!"
"Actually they haven't!" claimed the disgruntled father.
As they argue, the disgruntled father's baby in the backround blurts out, "Fuck you!"
ID: 1143
Children
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake
ID: 1715
Children
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
ID: 6198
Children
Little Johnny was doing his homework, and it was some sort of code where you had to fill in which letter is which, i.e. the letter a = 1, b = 2, d = 4, etc. He got to one that he didn't know which number it was, and he decided to ask his father, who was sitting on the couch next to him.
Little Johnny said, "Hey dad, can you tell me what the 25th letter of the alphabet is?"
The dad answered, "Y."
Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know. Gosh, do you know it or not?"
The dad said, "Y, son!"
Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know, and if you want to deny it again, then you are more of a *&^%ing *&^%$ than a ^&*# on a %$#@!
The dad took this hard, and said meekly, "It's the letter 'y', son."
Little Johnny said, "Oh, thank you, dad. So I guess this would be a bad time to ask for a raise for my allowance, eh?"
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