ID: 10590
Children
An elementary school teacher asked her students to write a truthful report on what they would do if they had a million dollars. There was only one student who recieved an A, and the rest failed for lying.
This was the paper with the A:
Johnny
...
ID: 12915
Children
The Fandersan family is a family with two parents and two kids.
One day, Mr. Fandersan decided to bring home a state of the art moterhome. When he got home with the motorhome, he left it in the driveway. He then went to bed.
But, the next day it was missing. On the driveway there was a note. It said,
"We have stolen the motorhome."
The parents were freaked out!!
"This is a parent's worst nightmare!! Our kids have stolen the car AND are home alone!!!"
ID: 12573
Children
Why did the boy buy a new bum?
Coz his had a crack in it.
ID: 13352
Children
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms, but when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
ID: 13148
Children
A man was settling down to his after-dinner drink when he daughter climbs onto his lap. "Where does poo come from?" asks his inquisitive girl.
The man knew these types of questions would come, and had given some thought to the answer he would give. "Well, sweetheart, you know the dinner you just ate? Well, our bodies keep the good parts, called nutrients, so our bones and muscles can grow strong. The rest passes out of our backsides, and that's poo."
After a shocked silence, the girl trembles through another question for her father... "Umm... so where does Tigger come from?"
ID: 13429
Children
A teacher is explaining Biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must have been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was,"said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F*ck,' the rottweiler ate him!"
ID: 9619
Children
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
ID: 13616
Children
Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, "This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!"
ID: 12537
Children
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"she says. Johnny replies, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"
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