ID: 13572
Children
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
Their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four characters."
ID: 8009
Children
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was NOT mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon'."
I think I'll go have a salad now...
ID: 8004
Children
Little Johnny asks his teacher: "How are the babies made?"
Teacher, not wanting to take the responsibility of explaining such a sensitive subject, suggests that he go home and ask his parents.
When he gets home, Johnny approaches his father with the same question. His father replies, "Oh! that is a long story, you better speak to mother!"
The mother, in her turn, says: "Oh! It is a difficult question, why don't you better speak to granddad!"
Grandfather is sitting on a bench in the garden and eating an apple just when Johnny comes up with the same question. And so he tries to explain: "You see, the apple has little seeds; when they are planted, an apple-tree will grow after a while; and then it will bring new apples. So people also..."
But Johnny has heard enough. He takes a few apples, carefully cuts them to collect the seeds, and puts the seeds into his pants pocket.
The next day at school, Johnny is eager to show off what he's learned, so he approaches his teacher and says, "Now I can explain. But first let me start by showing you what I've got in my pants..."
ID: 8591
Children
A boy asked his mother what the word "shit" meant. The mother didn't know what to say, so she said it meant "food". Then he asked what the word "nigger" meant. She still did not know what to say, so she said "priest". The last word he asked about was "fuck". She really did not know what to say so she said "to get dressed".
When the priest came over, the boy said to the priest, "Hey, nigger, the shit is on the table and my mom and dad are fucking in the room".
ID: 8559
Children
One day a little boy came over to his friends house and said, "Ah shit! I got gunk on my shoe!" As he was saying it, the friend's dad came over to the little boy and said, "How dare you say that in front of my child!" The dad sent the little boy home and called his father, telling him to come over to his house and talk to him.
The father came over and said, "So what if my boy said that? it's not like your kids haven't overheard you say a curse word!"
"Actually they haven't!" claimed the disgruntled father.
As they argue, the disgruntled father's baby in the backround blurts out, "Fuck you!"
ID: 8070
Children
Sam: "Cas, phone for you!"
Cas: "Okay, thanks, Sam." --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- "Hello? Oh, hi...."
--AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION--
Sam: "So, who was it?"
Cas: "Heather."
Sam: "What did she want?"
Cas: "Our phone number."
ID: 927
Children
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and
daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
ID: 1441
Children
An American supply teacher came to a Canadian class one day. She told the students that she was an American and she asked if anyone else in the room was an American.
Even though not many people in the room were, everyone put up their hand not to be left out, except one girl.
The teacher stared at the girl and asked "If you're not an American, then what are you?" The girl replied, "I'm a proud Canadian."
The teacher asked "Why are you a Canadian?" The girl answered, "Because my parents are both Canadians."
The teacher asked "What if both of your parents are stupid, then what will you be?" The girl answered, "Then I would be an American!"
ID: 8594
Children
Ronnie never listens in science class because he says it's boring..
One day his teacher asked, "Ronnie, What are the 3 states of matter?"
Since he heard his name he did listen to the question. So he thinks for a second and replies, "Texas, Florida, and Arkansas!"
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