ID: 2115
Children
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
ID: 11200
Children
Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other,what would you have?
Willy: Somebody else's trousers.
ID: 16969
Children
Ok...so when I was little my parents would fight all the time. Is there any married couple in the world that doesn't do this? Anyways, my mom hated paper towels. She just did. Especially the half-sized ones. Apparently there was no point in wasting a paper towel when you could use a dish towel. Quite understandable.
My dad, on the other hand, felt differently. "Why use a dirty old dish rag when you can buy some decent paper towels and reuse them?"
Whenever I walked into the kitchen with the purpose of washing my hands, I would quickly scan the room and see who was there. If my dad was around, I would grab a paper towel. He would always give me that sincere yet smug smile and think that he had won the whole battle of Dish Rag vs Paper Towel. If my mom was around, there was always a dish towel in reach. She, too, would smile slightly when I picked it up.
My Lesson Learned As A Child: It IS possible to please everyone...if you are sneaky.
My childhood was tough.
ID: 15737
Children
Gregory was a boy who was always beaten up by a bully who everyone called: "The Demon". Everyday, "The Demon" would punch Gregory in the stomach without any warning. And Gregory always got a stomachache.
Now, Gregory wasn't very smart. He often confused things with other things and ended up in trouble. But Gregory didn't know. And Gregory had 7-9 fears and takes them seriously. He has a fear of telling a teacher on someone, so that's a reason why he's letting The Demon punch him.
The doctor told him that if he continued to be punched, that he would get a stomach bruise - which wasn't good at all.
So, Gregory and his father were having a father-to-son conversation about this problem.
"Son, why are you letting 'The Demon' punch you everyday?"
"I dunno dad."
"Well, you can't just let him punch you in the stomach."
"Really, dad?"
"Yes, really."
The next day, Gregory came home with stomach, and rib pains.
ID: 16582
Children
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
ID: 15858
Children
I have a new baby cousin named Caroline. She has a big brother named Sam (he just turned 2) and 2 big sisters named Elena and Erica.
Well, my aunt was away with her three daughters. It was just my uncle and Sam at home.
My uncle and Sam were playing on the floor. My uncle had to fart, but he tried to let it out quietly, but it came out a little louder than he had expected. Then Sam perks up and says "Baby Caroline?"
ID: 16171
Children
Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by.
She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
ID: 16038
Children
Mother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom?
Tom: I didn't touch one.
Mother: That's strange. There's only one left.
Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.
ID: 16796
Children
10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.
7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
5) Your idea of romance is handholding.
4) You answer the question, "How are you?" with, "We're fine."
3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable, not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.
2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in . . . babysitting?"
And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:
1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple Top-10-style joke email.
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