ID: 16975
Children
The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."
ID: 14945
Children
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears."
"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."
ID: 14748
Children
A boy comes home from school saying, "3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!"
His dad replies, "Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again."
ID: 14887
Children
Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow?
Mom: What are they serving?
Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease?
Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much.
Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.
ID: 5242
Children
"Teacher, I can't do this problem!"
"Any five year old can do that problem."
"Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!"
ID: 740
Children
One Sunday morning, as was his custom, the pastor of a small church had all the children come up front for a brief children's church. He enjoyed asking the children various questions, and hearing their answers. On this particular morning, he noticed little Susie feeling a bit shy, so he leans over to her and says, "Susie, that's certainly a lovely dress you're wearing!" Little Susie then leans over and says right into the pastor's lapel mic, "yes, and my mommy says its a bitch to iron".
ID: 927
Children
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and
daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
ID: 1747
Children
All the little rascals sat down for class, and the teacher decided to start off the day with a spelling quiz.
The teacher first asked Darla, "Darla, can you spell dumb?"
"D-u-m-b," said Darla
The teacher then said, "Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Buckwheat is dumb."
"Okay, can you spell stupid?" said the teacher.
"S-t-u-p-i-d."
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Buckwheat is stupid."
"Buckwheat, can you spell dictate?"
"D-i-c-t-a-t-e."
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."
ID: 500
Children
A little girl and her mother were out and about when, out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
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