ID: 3617
Children
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
ID: 12477
Children
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game; the optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
ID: 1211
Children
A little boy was watching a handyman at work on the upper story of a house. Suddenly the man drops a hammer, and comes down the ladder to retrieve it.
The little boy calls out, "My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn't have to come the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman says, "Yeah, that's great, kid", and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder.
The little boy calls out again, "My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn't have to come down the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he has no way into the house, so he climbs down the ladder and goes behind a bush.
When he's finishing up, he notices that the little boy has followed him. "I suppose your daddy has two of these too?" he asked.
"Nope," says the little boy, "but my daddy's is twice as big!"
ID: 736
Children
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
ID: 1442
Children
There were three kids named My, Butt, and Stupid. They were pretty dumb and didn't know the word and. One day, they were playing ball on the sixth floor. Then, suddenly Stupid dropped the ball out the window. My jumped out the window to get the ball, while Butt tried to jump out the window to catch My. Stupid saw that the two of them fall out the window and ran down the stairs. When he got down, he saw a policeman looking at My and Butt. The policeman asked "Son, what is your name?" Stupid answered "I'm Stupid!" The policeman said "You're not stupid, son, now do you know what happened here?" Stupid answered "My Butt fell out the window!"
ID: 1274
Children
One evening, a little boy and his family were having supper at his grandma's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When he received his plate, the little guy began eating right away.
"Wait until we a say a prayer," his mother admonished.
" I don't have to," he replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at home."
"That's at home," he explained. "This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!!"
ID: 1715
Children
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
ID: 1601
Children
Little Johnny's school was having show and tell, so the teacher started a 'Guess What's Behind My Back' game. She went to her desk and picked something up.
"Okay class," she said, "guess what's behind my back. It's red, round, and shiny."
"I know, teacher! It's an apple!" shouted Little Johnny!
The teacher replied, "No little Johnny, it's a cherry, but I like the way you think."
The teacher went to her desk again and picked up another item.
"Okay class," she said, "what am I holding now? It's yellow, and soft.
"I know, teacher! It's a banana!
"No, Little Johny," said the teacher, "it's a tennis ball, but I like the way you think.
At this point little Johnny was frustrated. "Okay teacher," he said, standing up, "this one's for you!" He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled it out with his hand closed around it. "Okay what am I holding? It's round, hard, and has a head.
Shocked the teacher yelled, "Little Johnny! Go to the office right now! That's inappropriate and you're in big trouble!"
"For what, teacher?" Little Johnny said, grinning, "It's just a quarter, but I like the way you think!"
ID: 874
Children
Little Johnny was sitting outside a church playing with sulphuric acid.
The priest came up to him and said "Child why are you playing with sulphuric acid? Thats dangerous! I've got some holy water inside that is much more powerful."
Little Johnny relied "How come?"
"Well last week I splashed some holy water on Mrs.Wilson's tummy and she passed a baby!" said the priest proudly.
"Thats nothing," retorted Little Johnny "I spashed some sulphuric acid on my dog's balls and he passed a Ferrari!"
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