ID: 6112
Children
It was Father's Day, and Little Billy's mom told him to tell his dad to just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive.
So Little Billy went into the family room where he found his dad watching TV. Little Billy said, "Dad, it's Father's Day, so mom and me think that you should just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive." His dad looked up from the TV and smiled, then went back to watching his show.
Little Billy paused a moment and said, "You know, just like you usually do..."
ID: 8841
Children
Child 1: Whatcha gonna do?
Child 2: I'm gonna watch TV!
Child 1: Guess what? I'm the QUEEN of the TV Freaks!
ID: 8160
Children
This is a true story told to me.
A big city news anchor is driving along the freeway when his young son asks him, "Daddy, what does motherf____r mean?"
He turns to his son, "That's a really bad word, don't ever say that again. Where did you learn that?!?!?"
His son answers innocently, "Well, that's what you just said about that car you said cut you off."
ID: 9294
Children
When I was younger my father always told me to be more lady like and civil. I decided to teach him a lesson.
When we arrived at his mothers house there were donuts on the table. We sat around and talked(and munched)
I soon got up to excuse myself saying "I have to pee." Dad reminded me that there was a better way to put that.
"I'm sorry" I said "I have to powder my nose like a racehorse."
ID: 1469
Children
Little Johnny was on a plane when the stranger in the next seat said, "Let's talk. Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
The stranger said, "How about nuclear power?"
Johnny said, "That could be interesting. But first, I have a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, grass. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow excretes a flat patty, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger said, "I have no idea."
Johnny said, "Well, then, why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
ID: 8591
Children
A boy asked his mother what the word "shit" meant. The mother didn't know what to say, so she said it meant "food". Then he asked what the word "nigger" meant. She still did not know what to say, so she said "priest". The last word he asked about was "fuck". She really did not know what to say so she said "to get dressed".
When the priest came over, the boy said to the priest, "Hey, nigger, the shit is on the table and my mom and dad are fucking in the room".
ID: 6706
Children
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli.
ID: 647
Children
Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop.
"Jimmy," she said, "You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails." Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop.
The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, "I know what YOU'VE been doing...."
ID: 7451
Children
A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.
She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"
A little girl raised her hand.
"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"
"It's a cow, teacher."
"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.
Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"
Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"
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