ID: 1469
Children
Little Johnny was on a plane when the stranger in the next seat said, "Let's talk. Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
The stranger said, "How about nuclear power?"
Johnny said, "That could be interesting. But first, I have a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, grass. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow excretes a flat patty, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger said, "I have no idea."
Johnny said, "Well, then, why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
ID: 571
Children
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
-Phyllis Diller
ID: 1462
Children
Once there was a mom and a dad , they had a daughter called Angelica. So the dad was very thirsty because he had been driving a lot, so he asked his daughter "sweetheart can I have some of your juice?" She answers "daddy no drinking and driving, that's what the law says!!!"
ID: 1718
Children
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied.
He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''
ID: 2744
Children
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work any more, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE:
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
ID: 1715
Children
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
ID: 2529
Children
Three little boys went into a candy store. "I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth, but he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.
"What will you have?" he asked.
"I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.
"You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man.
"No, sir," answered the third boy, so the man climbed down and put away the ladder.
"Now, what do you want?" the clerk asked the boy.
"A nickel's worth of the jelly beans," replied the lad.
ID: 1413
Children
A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry at your sister," the mother says. "She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, "Now she knows."
ID: 1869
Children
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Johnny a three-year-old had a lot of problems with potty training and his mother was with him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying her taco, the mother smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then Mom realized that Johnny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." She kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then she said, "Johnny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. she just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! she asked one more time, "Johnny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
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