ID: 6199
Children
Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father's getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, "Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Justin replies, "I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the son of a bitch!"
ID: 15354
Children
One day, two children are bickering on the playground.
Kid 1: My mom says that kids who get whatever they want are spoiled and rotten and stuck-up.
Kid 2: Well, I'm not spoiled.
Kid 1: Yeah, you are, you get everything you want.
Kid 2: I don't get everything I want.
Kid 1: Yeah, you do.
Kid 2: No, I don't, because I "want" you to shut-up!
ID: 8295
Children
"Wow," said Joan after she saw that her friend got glasses.
"You like my new glasses?", asked Peter.
"Yep. They make you look really smart.", replied Joan.
"I know. That's what my mom said. That's why I wear them in math class."
ID: 4536
Children
A little girl learned in school, that instead of words, pictures and symbols would be drawn to indicate something if words weren't understood.
Later that day, she needed to go into the bathroom, looked at two pictures, and went in one. A teacher asked her, "Why did you go into the boys' bathroom?" She answered, "The picture showed a person wearing pants, and I'm wearing pants. The other picture showed someone wearing a dress, and I'm not."
ID: 5731
Children
BOB- We were learning about fractions today in math class.
JOE- Oh, really? What did you learn?
BOB- One half of what I was supposed to!
ID: 7890
Children
One day, 15 year old Christy came home from shopping with her Auntie Kim and Auntie Flo.
Christy says to her 6 year old sister, "Auntie Kim has bad taste, but Auntie Flo has good taste."
Her sister then says, "How do you know? Have you bitten them before?"
ID: 9294
Children
When I was younger my father always told me to be more lady like and civil. I decided to teach him a lesson.
When we arrived at his mothers house there were donuts on the table. We sat around and talked(and munched)
I soon got up to excuse myself saying "I have to pee." Dad reminded me that there was a better way to put that.
"I'm sorry" I said "I have to powder my nose like a racehorse."
ID: 1855
Children
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
ID: 2149
Children
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied,
Child: "Bud."
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