ID: 9245
Children
Little Johnny Clever was in Mrs. Gleason's 3rd grade class for just a couple of weeks when he ran home to his mom and showed her a little 3x3 piece of paper. It had the word "Homework" crossed out in a circle with a slash (the very same you see with no smoking signs)
"What is this?" The mother said inquiringly.
"Its a no homework pass mommy! I raised my hand the most in class. All you have to do is sign it and I dont have to do any homework for tonight!" says Johnny excitedly!
'Well thats a good thing to keep kids interested in the subject and class participation. I bet this teacher's been teaching for quite a while!' thought his mother as she signed the slip for him.
So the next day Johnny comes home again just as excited. He won another no homework pass. His mother was starting to be very proud. This happened every day for the whole nine weeks.
On report card day, Johnny came home with a D and she started to wonder if maybe he shouldnt be given so many no homework passes but when she asked him about it, he said that the tests were just very hard.
"Well that's allright Johnny, mommy didnt do very well on tests when she was a little girl either. But thats why you have to do your homework to keep up the test grades from making you to fail."
The same thing happened all next nine weeks with the no homework pass, and Johnny's mom was sure that her little boy was going to get an A next report card. She started bragging to all her co-workers just how well little Johnny was doing. Johnny's dad was hearing the good work that his son was doing and was boasting to all of his co-workers as well. At the end of the nine-weeks, they both decided to have a party and let everyone see the big improvement their son was having from bringing that C up to an A.
On the big report card day, Mom and Dad were laughing and having a good time when Little Johnny came in the front door and saw all the guests his mom and dad had. Taken aback by this, he asked his mom what was going on.
"This is for you honey! for doing so well in school! Show everyone your report card!"
"Um mom... my teacher wants you to call her first before you open the report card?"
"Oh?" she said? 'She must want to tell me what a great job Little Johnny's been doing!' she thought... so called the teacher and put her on loud speaker for everyone to hear.
"Ahem, Mrs. Gleason? Hi! This is Mrs. Clever! Little Johnny's mom! Im so happy you wanted to speak to me about my little boy!" exclaimed Johnny's mom.
"Mrs. Clever? I'm not too sure what you're talking about... Did you see the report card?"
Thinking this was the big moment, and she opened up the card to see the big F that Johnny came home with. Obviously getting upset at the teacher because she knew immediately what happened... she spoke back very flustered.
"Mrs. Gleason! I am appalled! If johnny wasnt doing so well, why did you keep giving him the no homework passes that I was signing??"
"N-n-no homework PASSES?" a chuckling Mrs. Gleason started... "no no no... They're no homework SLIPS, when the children dont do their homework! they have to get them signed and bring them back!"
"....oh really..." Mrs Clever started to eye little Johnny as he started backing away...
"You mean to tell me that he's been telling you they're no homework passes?"
..... So the next day, Johnny couldnt sit down very well.
..... and the next day after that, Johnny had his homework.
ID: 2588
Children
At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
ID: 2372
Children
Children in the back of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children
ID: 2743
Children
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
ID: 15830
Children
1. Why are little children sweet-tooths? They keep crying when they can't have candy.
2. Why are little children kindergarteners? Um... they're still learning basic skills, are they not?
3. Why are little children such blanket-connected people? They have read too many Peanut strips and can't resist but be Linus.
4. Why are little children people who like to joke around? They hear their dad's joke with them too often.
ID: 845
Children
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
ID: 7170
Children
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Long got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Don't worry it didn't hurt anything very much, just burned part of the chow hall. Scoutmaster Long said we will have to wash the black stuff off of the meat that used to be in the cooler but he said it would be alright. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will come home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Long gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Long said that with a car that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in the car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Long is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. Especially when that wheel came off when we were going around this steep curve. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. He only lets him drive on them mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. I'm glad Terry wasn't driving when the wheel came off. We probably would have went off the cliff.
This morning all the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Long wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Long isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. When I can I will tell you how we lost them. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have passed all our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Long said it was probably just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way sometimes from the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done while he was doing his time.
I have to go now, we are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Scoutmaster Long has a big pistol and he is going to teach us how to shoot it. The reason we have to buy more bullets is Jimmy threw all of the others in the fire. It sure was a loud noise. It was neat though, it sounded like a bunch of bees flying out of the fire. Scoutmaster Long said not to tell any one because some of the tents got holes in them from the bullets and he said he is not supposed to have a gun but he didn't say why. Don't worry we put duct tape over the holes in the tents. Scoutmaster Long says that is the best stuff to fix anything. He should know, the seats in his old car has it all over them, so does the dash.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
ID: 7396
Children
Little 6 year old Nancy and her big sister, Sandy were at the mall, looking at a sweatshirt.
"That shirt is 60 dollars," said Sandy. "I wish I could afford it."
Then the shopkeeper comes up, and says, "Can I help you girls with something?"
"Well, this sweater is 60 dollars and we only have 43 dollars," said Nancy.
"Well, sorry, but you are a little short," said the shopkeeper.
"I can't help it, I'm only 6," Nancy replied.
ID: 14887
Children
Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow?
Mom: What are they serving?
Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease?
Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much.
Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.
+10,000 Jokes