ID: 9080
Children
A mother explained to her daughter, "We didn't have TVs not to long time ago, sweetie."
She looks at her mother strangely and asks, "Then how did they play their VCR's?
ID: 15609
Children
It was the first day of school and I had gotten a serious scrape on my knee so I asked my friend Jesse to write down notes for me while I went to the nurse. Now, it was the first day of school and there were no notes written on our notebooks and neither of us had written our names on them, so when I came back the next and asked him to give me back my notebooks, he couldn't tell which was mine and which was his, so we both decided that we'd take either one. Near the end of the school year Jesse got in trouble for stealing my notebook. After he got in trouble (with 3 days detention) I asked him why he stole my notebook. He showed me a small note on the back of what we had thought was his notebook that had been written on the back as a joke saying, "Don't tell anyone, but this is my notebook," with a picture of me taped next to it. The date on the picture, August 8.
ID: 6112
Children
It was Father's Day, and Little Billy's mom told him to tell his dad to just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive.
So Little Billy went into the family room where he found his dad watching TV. Little Billy said, "Dad, it's Father's Day, so mom and me think that you should just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive." His dad looked up from the TV and smiled, then went back to watching his show.
Little Billy paused a moment and said, "You know, just like you usually do..."
ID: 8822
Children
Dick and Jane were arguing over the breakfast table.
"Oh you're so stupid!"
shouted Dick.
"Dick!" said their father, "That is enough! Now say you're sorry!"
"Okay," said Dick, "I am sorry you're stupid."
ID: 8160
Children
This is a true story told to me.
A big city news anchor is driving along the freeway when his young son asks him, "Daddy, what does motherf____r mean?"
He turns to his son, "That's a really bad word, don't ever say that again. Where did you learn that?!?!?"
His son answers innocently, "Well, that's what you just said about that car you said cut you off."
ID: 4435
Children
Three boys are walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is just looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out, "I am the ghost of Auntie Mabel and this five dollars stays on the table!"
The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.
The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out, "I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!"
ID: 524
Children
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.! "
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
ID: 2866
Children
One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?"
I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.
ID: 9479
Children
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
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