ID: 1855
Children
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
ID: 8123
Children
A boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, "God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!"
ID: 8184
Children
Q.)Your child poops in their pants- what do you do?
A.)Drop off the child at day-care and make them change it.
ID: 15081
Children
One night, a mother was walking past her young daughter's room when she saw the little girl kneeling by her bed, head bowed, hands folded, reciting the alphabet.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" the mother asked.
"I'm saying my prayers, Mommy," replied the little girl, "but I couldn't think of what I wanted to say, so I'm saying the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together whichever way He feels is best."
ID: 8389
Children
Little Johnny's father says to him, "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression her face."
"OK" replied Little Johnny.
Later when Little Johnny got home he said to his mom, "Mom, Dad asked me
to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
"Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face." replied Little Johnny's mother.
ID: 8390
Children
Little Johnny was running away from home, crying his eyes out, when he ran across a policeman.
"Where are you going, Little Johnny?" asked the cop.
"I'm running away from home," sobbed Little Johnny.
The cop asked him, "Why would you want to do something like that?"
"My mommy and daddy don't love me any more", he bawled.
"What would make you think that?" queries the cop.
"Well," says Little Johnny, "I asked my Mom for a brand new pair of roller skates, and she said that they couldn't afford it, the mortgage was too high."
"That doesn't mean she doesn't love you," the cop says
"No, no, no", says Little Johnny, "you don't understand. Then I asked my dad for a new bicycle and he said that they couldn't afford it because their mortgage was too high."
"Still," replies the cop, "they might be having financial difficulties right now, but I am sure that they love you."
"NO!" wails Little Johnny, "you really don't understand. I haven't told you the worst part yet. I was outside mommy and daddy's door last night, and I heard daddy scream, I'm pulling out! and then mommy yelled, I'm coming, too! and I'm telling you, right here and right now, they're NOT leaving ME with that fucking mortgage!"
ID: 15166
Children
Two young cowboys - aged six and four - walked into the pretend bar for a drink.
The older cowboy thumped his fist on the pretend bar and said to the pretend bartender, "Bartender, gimme a rye whiskey!"
The younger cowboy was not to be outdone. "Yeah, and make mine a whole wheat!"
ID: 647
Children
Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop.
"Jimmy," she said, "You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails." Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop.
The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, "I know what YOU'VE been doing...."
ID: 15299
Children
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your
home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long, not because they look nice, but because they can dig them into a boy's arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
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