ID: 494
Children
A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
"Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed voice the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, "They're looking for me!"
ID: 14154
Children
One day, Little Johnny and his family went for a walk they saw two dogs having sex, girl on top of boy. Johnny didn't know much about sex, so his parents didn't say anything.
Later that night, Johnny's parents were having sex and Johnny walked in on them. Before his parent's could say anything, Johnny yelled out, "Mom get on top of dad. Hurry, because I want a puppy!!"
ID: 333
Children
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
ID: 8888
Children
One day Tommy was sitting in class, the teacher came over and told him to go out in the hallway. He got mad and he didn't move.
Five minutes later, she came back over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. "I thought I told you to go out in the hallway."
"I did," He told her lying through his teeth.
"Ok then, so what did you do with your gifts?" she asked.
"What gifts?"
"Your mom was outside in the hallway holding some gifts for you for your birthday, did you not see her or were you lying to me?"
So he ran outside the class but his mom was gone. He was very upset but as he was walking back into the class, the teacher said, "Gotcha, that will teach you to disobey me and lie."
ID: 159
Children
How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
ID: 1211
Children
A little boy was watching a handyman at work on the upper story of a house. Suddenly the man drops a hammer, and comes down the ladder to retrieve it.
The little boy calls out, "My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn't have to come the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman says, "Yeah, that's great, kid", and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder.
The little boy calls out again, "My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn't have to come down the ladder when he dropped one."
The handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he has no way into the house, so he climbs down the ladder and goes behind a bush.
When he's finishing up, he notices that the little boy has followed him. "I suppose your daddy has two of these too?" he asked.
"Nope," says the little boy, "but my daddy's is twice as big!"
ID: 3727
Children
Two little boys were looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer day.
Their dad wouldn't let them play in the sprinkler because he was mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and cool without getting into trouble.
They sat on the curb brainstorming the solution, when suddenly one of them jumped up and declared, "I know! Let's get baptized!"
Well, both boys had seen enough to know that you can get wet at a baptism, so they trotted on down to the church on the corner and told the pastor they wanted to get baptized.
The irritated pastor finally relented after about 10 minutes of begging, and he finally dragged the boys to the men's room and dunked them both head first into the toilet, then sent them on their way.
The boys sat on the curb, slightly disappointed with the whole adventure, when one of them asked the other, "Hey, what religion are we now?"
"I don't know," replied the other. "If we were Baptists, he
would have filled up the big tub and dunked our whole body like he did for Uncle Jim, and if we were Catholic, he would have poured it on our heads from a pitcher..."
They sat and thought about it for a while longer when the first one said in a small voice, "Since he stuck our head in the toilet, I think that it means that we're 'pisscapalian."
ID: 5208
Children
Child: Mom! I got a 100% on my homework!
Mom: Really? On what subject?
Child: A 40% on science and a 60% on spelling.
ID: 300
Children
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
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