ID: 9092
Children
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."
ID: 1432
Children
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like shit! "
Then I would say.............." It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
ID: 17915
Children
I have a friend named Ben who says the dardest things. Me an a different friend have compiled a list of the best ones
_____________________________
Max: Have you noticed that people with lisps can't say lisp?
Ben: Really?.. Lisp,
Max: Ben you don't have a lisp -.-
_____________________________
They make up some excuse about an over-time relationship thing.
You mean long distance?
_____________________________
shut up you criticism
_____________________________
You know max, you get what you dish out and if you don't like it get
out of the kitchen.
_______________________________
I think it's a spiff or something!
*********************************
Okay but you can't wake up on purpose.
*********************************
(max) no tresping...wow I can't telk....
Damnit.
*********************************
ben (playing video games): wow I'm sucking so much balls right now.
Max: we know ben. We all know what you do in your free time
Jyo: it's not exactly free
Ben (distracted): yeah...that's why I don't have any money... Wait..
Max: so you pay them to suck their balls?
Ben: faggots...
*********************************
(Jyo): kellen quit being a whore
(kellen): I'm not a whore... I'm a bitch.
*********************************
Like two peas in a pot.
*********************************
(ben humps air)
Max (to ben): ew.
Luke (watching a victorias secret commercial): no...thats awesome!
*********************************
Ben: what are we watching?
Max: dragon wars
Ben: what's it about?
Max: ...take a wild guess ben
Ben: hey you never know!
...faggots...
*********************************
You lose you snooze....crap.
********************************
Jyo: (playing video games): reload! You only have two shots left!
(ben dies)
Jyo: shoulda reloaded.
ben: SHOULDA SHUDDUP!
*********************************
Jewnormous
*********************************
It's $10 an hour. We're just pulling whistles.
(laughing in background)
Shaddap mom!
*********************************
(fire near ben's house.)
"Look the leaves are turning yellow"
"yeah I'd be turning yellow"
*********************************
"wait, where's the boulder bolder?"
*********************************
"well that's cause the fire fires put it out"
*********************************
Orgasasm
*********************************
big fucking well!
*********************************
hey we were CII buddies!
*********************************
max you look like a muffet.
Max-what's that?
It's a mix between a marmot and a squirrel
*********************************
Jyo: what are you planning
Ben: I'm not waging anything
*********************************
oh yeah that's a good tacnic (tactic)
*********************************
stay away from my crocs. (crotch)
*********************************
it was pouring wind!
*********************************
I'm just a little blind
*********************************
Ben-Careful you'll poke your eye out
Jyo-With a poker chip?
Ben-Exactly
*********************************
boofuckinghoo
*********************************
He's like a pirate he lives in ward (crazy freaking mountain town in colorado)
*********************************
Ben-Hey max, look a fish.
Max looks
Ben Steals from Jyo.
********************************
Yeah it was laced with OCD.
ID: 1085
Children
One night Aggie says to George "Think I'll go to bingo the night
George... when I'm gone you make sure the youngsters get in and
go to bed"
Now George and Aggie had thirteen kids the last time they counted.
So when Aggie went off to bingo, George went out and made the
youngsters come in and get to bed. For about three or four hours,
one little boy kept crying and crying, so George takes off up
with a split and hits the floor, the little boy cries harder and
harder.
George sputters out "What are you bawling about?"
The little boy replies "I want to go to me own home."
ID: 57
Children
Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. "What's the matter?" asked his mother. "Papa was hanging pictures, and he just
hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did," sobbed Jerry.
ID: 335
Children
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes.
She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
ID: 64
Children
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"
The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"
The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."
ID: 1594
Children
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
ID: 928
Children
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
+10,000 Jokes