ID: 524
Children
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.! "
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
ID: 13841
Children
Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. Jabu answered, "Our house is very small, Miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep in the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' I say, 'no' and then he hits me and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "When your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning, Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that Jabu comes back with a black eye again.
"My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?"
He tells her, "Ma'am, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started doing... you know...'it' on the bed. Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' then my mom says, 'Yes, I'm coming. Are you coming, too?' and my dad answered, 'Yes.'
"Not wanting to get left behind, I also answered and said, 'Wait for me, I'm also coming, let me just put on my shoes!'"
ID: 16304
Children
One day at Lee Elementary in the 1st grade hallway a little boy named Chris(kid #2 from my spoiled brat joke) and another child name sarah are walking down the hall way.
(sarah and chris bump into each other)
sarah:watch it doo doo head.
chris:you watch it cootie pants.
sarah:who are you calling cootie pants,freckle face.
chris:you,little miss bucktooth.
sarah:well you're nothing but a ugly butt.
chris:why don't you shut the hell up you god damn mother fucking bitch ass whore.
ID: 16530
Children
Little Jimmy was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Jimmy hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother was so embarrassed. "James, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"
For the next month Little Jimmy was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, his mother again took him to the same mall.
Sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.
Had Little Jimmy learned anything from the great bard?
Yes.
This time, as the man approached, Little Jimmy cried out, "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"
ID: 16428
Children
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"
ID: 16038
Children
Mother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom?
Tom: I didn't touch one.
Mother: That's strange. There's only one left.
Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.
ID: 16803
Children
Excuse Notes from Parents ...
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
ID: 16263
Children
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what you mean."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
ID: 15161
Children
The gas station was located on a main highway leading to the beach so the pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to fill up.
When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.
"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"
Wearily, the driver relied, "Yes, they are all mine, and it is NO picnic!"
+10,000 Jokes