ID: 333
Children
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
ID: 10479
Children
A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?"
His dad said, "Yeah."
The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!"
ID: 13979
Children
It's more fun to color outside the lines.
If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
Ask why until you understand.
Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
Make up the rules as you go along.
It doesn't matter who started it.
Ask for sprinkles.
If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
Save a place in line for your friends.
ID: 9924
Children
Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?"
Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"
ID: 9974
Children
It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, "Happy Butt." The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt what's the difference?"
ID: 11003
Children
Phillip's teacher asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
Phillip, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
ID: 11685
Children
Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?"
Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?"
ID: 9717
Children
Little Johnny: "Hey, Daddy, Spot just ate Mom's apple pie that was on the counter to cool off!"
Dad: "Don't worry, son. We'll get you a new dog."
ID: 11135
Children
Mom: How did you do on your history test?
Kid: Not good.
Mom: Why?
Kid: They asked me things that happened before I was born!
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