ID: 14188
Children
I was at home one day when my son walked in on me and my husband.He said "Momma i found this moving around on the floor".(holding up my vibrator)I said "huh?"he asked if he could play with it...I said sure not knowing what it was at the time....I come out of my room go in his and its in his ass. Needless to say,he has watched me.
ID: 17553
Children
Would you hit a woman with a baby? No, I'd hit her with a brick.
ID: 15742
Children
Sam Krypton was a boy who hated meatloaf, but he knew that every time he didn't eat it, he lost a chance for ice cream, his favorite thing to eat.
So today, he decided to eat it, and try and forget about the taste.
He ate it up, and said, "THIS MEATLOAF WAS DELICIOUS!" His mother was pleased, and gave him ice cream.
The next week, his mother gave him a large serving of meatloaf, expecting him to eat it all up.
Sam forgot about what he did last week. He was looking out the window - then, a moment later, he said, "Eww! What smells?"
ID: 15354
Children
One day, two children are bickering on the playground.
Kid 1: My mom says that kids who get whatever they want are spoiled and rotten and stuck-up.
Kid 2: Well, I'm not spoiled.
Kid 1: Yeah, you are, you get everything you want.
Kid 2: I don't get everything I want.
Kid 1: Yeah, you do.
Kid 2: No, I don't, because I "want" you to shut-up!
ID: 15854
Children
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat is, but wanting to be like their teacher, they all raise their hands. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat", Lucy replies.
Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "I'm a Conservative," replies the Lucy.
The teacher is getting slightly angry now, so she asks Lucy
why she is a Conservative.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Mum and Dad are Conservatives, and I am a Conservative too."
The teacher is now very angry, because she is a proud Liberal Democrat, and doesn't like the idea that she may have picked the wrong party. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mum was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Liberal Democrat."
ID: 15245
Children
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
ID: 14441
Children
Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents.
"My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had."
"Why?"
"Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it."
ID: 2529
Children
Three little boys went into a candy store. "I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth, but he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.
"What will you have?" he asked.
"I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.
"You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man.
"No, sir," answered the third boy, so the man climbed down and put away the ladder.
"Now, what do you want?" the clerk asked the boy.
"A nickel's worth of the jelly beans," replied the lad.
ID: 5425
Children
A teacher decides to have Career Day in her class. She asks each student to tell the class what their father's job is, spell it, and then explain what they do.
Mary stands up and says, "My father is a policeman. P -O-L-I-C-E-M-A-N. He puts bad people in jail and keeps us all safe."
Sue stands up next and says, "My father is a doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R. He helps sick people get better."
Bobby is next. He stands up and says, "My father is a pharmacist. F...F-R..."
The teacher tells Bobby to sit down and try to figure it out and moves on to the next kid.
Johnny stands up next and says, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. He'd give you 10-1 odds that Bobby is never going to spell 'pharmacist.'"
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