ID: 2851
Children
These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool, and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?" "Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."
ID: 16945
Children
The teacher said to the cooking class. "Tell me: what is the most important thing to put in a chocolate cake?"
Faith quickly replied, "Your teeth!"
The teacher said, "No, the ingredients."
After correcting Faith, the cooking teacher said, "Who can tell me the best way to keep yogurt from spoiling?"
Faith answered, "By eating it!."
ID: 5959
Children
This is a list of what I have learned so far in my life:
1.) Always smile. It makes adults wonder what you're up to.
2.) Golf is no longer a rich man's sport. There are millions of poor players.
3.) If at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
4.) It takes a thousand nuts and bolts to put a car together, yet just one nut to scatter it all over the road.
5.) NEVER play leapfrog with a unicorn.
6.) NEVER ask your dad to help you with your math homework, unless you want a 4-hour lecture.
7.) When things look black, send them to the laundry.
8.) Be tolerant of those who disagree with you. After all, they're entitled to their stupid opinions!
ID: 5662
Children
The number you have dialed is imaginary.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
ID: 5965
Children
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 8)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
ID: 4474
Children
One to his friend:
"My little brother started walking last week!"
The other friend:
"Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!"
ID: 5292
Children
Once upon a time, there was a small family, with a little boy named Harry. They had just moved into a new home. It was tall, creaky, and just the place you would expect to be haunted. But, Harry did not believe in ghosts, or mummies, or witches or any of that stuff.
One day, his parents had to go to the store. They said,"Harry, if you need anything, just call us, or your neighbors." He replied,"I'll be fine." So they left, and Harry was alone. He went to his room, and started to read a book. But, he was interrupted by a little *raprap*. He went downstairs to see if someone was knocking on the door. There was no one there. He heard it again! *raprap* He went back to his room. He heard it again!!! *raprap* He went to the attic stairs door. This time, it was louder!!!! *RAPRAP* He opened the door. *RAPRAPRAP* it got louder and faster as he climbed the stairs. *RAPRAPRAPRAP* He opened the attic door, slowly and carefully, and he saw....
a box filled to the brim...
with......
wrapping paper!
ID: 3617
Children
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
ID: 5541
Children
It was the first day of school for little Jimmy. The teacher asked him, "What's 1+1?"
Jimmy replied, "3". The teacher said, "You go back home and ask your family what the answer is."
So, little Jimmy goes back home. He asks his father, who was having a conversation with his friend, "Daddy, what's 1+1?" The father replied impatiently, "Shut up!" So, little Jimmy asks his mother, "Mommy, what's 1+1?"
His mother, who was watching a show about George Bush on TV, carelessly responded, "George Bush."
Then Jimmy goes to his sister, "What's 1+1?" The sister was having a hot bath and she replied, "Oooohhhh, aahhhh".
Finally, Jimmy sees his brother, "What's 1+1?" he asked. Jimmy's brother was just going out with his girlfriend and he said, "let's go, darling."
So the next day, the teacher asks Jimmy, "What's 1+1?"
Jimmy replies, "Shut up!"
The teacher was outraged and asked angrily, "Who do you think you are?!"
Jimmy said, "George Bush."
Furious, the teacher hit Jimmy. Jimmy exclaimed, "Oooohhh, ahhhh".
"That's it!" The teacher shouted, "You are going to the headmaster!"
Jimmy said, "Let's go, darling."
+10,000 Jokes