ID: 13993
Children
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
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Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
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Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher
ID: 5234
Children
Mom: Why did you get a grade so low?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mom: Who, You?
Junior: No, the kid who sits right next to me.
ID: 1931
Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
ID: 1722
Children
Little Johnny walked into class one day and sat down. He realized that someone new was teaching the class today, It was Coach Bob, the gym teacher.
Coach Bob started the class by saying, "Okay you little one's are never too young to learn about s-e-x, uh ummm."
While every other kid in the class is giggling. Little Johnny looks really intent.
Coach Bob then asks, " Well, what do any of you kids already know about sex."
Little Shirley raised her hand, "One time my puppy had a baby."
"Good " said Coach Bob
Then Little Chuckie raised his hand and said, "Well my mom gave me a little sister."
"Good, good." said Coach Bob
The Little Johnny raised his hand and Coach Bob's heart skipped a beat. He said "Yes Little Johnny."
"Well," said Little Johnny, "one time at my grandpa's house I was watching an old western starring the Lone Ranger, and he fought off one hundred Indians."
"Oh Yeah," said Coach Bob really relieved, "what does that have to do with sex ed."
"That'll teach those Indians to screw with the Lone Ranger."
ID: 6865
Children
Little Timmy always sat in the front pew of the church and gave a hand full of change when the collection basket passed. One Sunday the pastor noticed that Timmy started to put his change in the collection basket but decided to put his money in his pocket instead.
After service, Little Timmy rushed up to the pastor and wanted to hand him the handful of change, but the pastor proceeds to tell Timmy that he did not need the money and that he should put it in the basket instead. Little Timmy replies, "Oh no, father, you need it more than anyone else does, because my daddy says that you're the poorest pastor we ever had."
ID: 1595
Children
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
ID: 15045
Children
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."
"I wonder why," the teacher mused.
"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.
"A what?" the teacher asked.
"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
ID: 5242
Children
"Teacher, I can't do this problem!"
"Any five year old can do that problem."
"Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!"
ID: 1869
Children
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Johnny a three-year-old had a lot of problems with potty training and his mother was with him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying her taco, the mother smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then Mom realized that Johnny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." She kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then she said, "Johnny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. she just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! she asked one more time, "Johnny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
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