ID: 16909
Children
Now, my brother ALWAYS daydreams. He just can't help it. He also likes getting me to feel bad.
I just got a new IPod and my brother says whenever I put it in my ears that i have turned into a zombie. When we were out for a bike ride down through the park he wouldn't stay left (We live in the southern hemisphere) and so other people on the track had to move to the right to get past. I screamed out to him to go left when i had my IPod in and he said "What." I said "Left, L-E-F-T. Gosh you can't hear anything when you daydream." And his response was "No you can't hear anything with your IPod in, I know what you said, you said FELT." I wonder who is the one that can't hear?
ID: 4861
Children
Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class?
Because the kids were to bright!
ID: 2388
Children
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother said to her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Brenda, we just have five of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "there, there, Brenda, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Brenda, just control yourself, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Brenda," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Brenda - my little girl's name is Ashley."
ID: 874
Children
Little Johnny was sitting outside a church playing with sulphuric acid.
The priest came up to him and said "Child why are you playing with sulphuric acid? Thats dangerous! I've got some holy water inside that is much more powerful."
Little Johnny relied "How come?"
"Well last week I splashed some holy water on Mrs.Wilson's tummy and she passed a baby!" said the priest proudly.
"Thats nothing," retorted Little Johnny "I spashed some sulphuric acid on my dog's balls and he passed a Ferrari!"
ID: 8822
Children
Dick and Jane were arguing over the breakfast table.
"Oh you're so stupid!"
shouted Dick.
"Dick!" said their father, "That is enough! Now say you're sorry!"
"Okay," said Dick, "I am sorry you're stupid."
ID: 1183
Children
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''
''No. You had your chance.''
A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''
''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''
''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?''
ID: 16293
Children
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??
Moral: beware of toddlers bearing tea!
ID: 494
Children
A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
"Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed voice the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, "They're looking for me!"
ID: 16530
Children
Little Jimmy was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Jimmy hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother was so embarrassed. "James, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"
For the next month Little Jimmy was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, his mother again took him to the same mall.
Sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.
Had Little Jimmy learned anything from the great bard?
Yes.
This time, as the man approached, Little Jimmy cried out, "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"
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