ID: 17747
Children
A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a baby hare. These are city kids, and have never seen a hare. "Do you know who this is?" asks the teacher. No one knows. "Come on kids", says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, "He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read." One student "figures it out," pats the hare and says reverently, "So *that's* what you're like, Grandpa Lenin!"
ID: 11892
Children
There was this lady who was in the shower and her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs and says:
"Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.
"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."
The next day he walked in on her again, and asked her again. She says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.
So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks:
"Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"
"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.
The next day he walked in on his mom and says:
"Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth. She is washing Daddy's face with it!"
ID: 9715
Children
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
ID: 13429
Children
A teacher is explaining Biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must have been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was,"said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F*ck,' the rottweiler ate him!"
ID: 2856
Children
What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common?
They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.
ID: 754
Children
Seeing her son is still in bed, Mary goes to wake him up for school. When she wakes him up he says, "But I don't want to go to school mom."
Mary quite annoyed at this childlike behaviour says, "Well why not? You have to go."
The son replies, "But I don't like it. The kids are mean to me, the teachers hate me, and everyone makes fun of me."
Mary calmly replies, "I'm sorry son. But you MUST go to school!."
The son says, "But whyyyy?"
Mary annoyed at the delay says, "Because you're the damn principal!"
ID: 1259
Children
The following are messages written by children to God,
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
-Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
-Unknown email sent me it
ID: 2126
Children
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,
"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
ID: 5494
Children
Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat."
Friend 2:"You are looking too old."
Friend 1:"I am not old."
Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."
+10,000 Jokes