ID: 5779
Children
There once were two babies both in the same room, with their cribs next to each other. After their mom tucked the babies in for sleep, one baby went to the other baby and said, "I can tell if you are a girl or a boy."
The other baby said, "OK, what am I then?"
The baby went under the other babies blanket and came up a minute later, and said with a grin on his face, "You are a girl and I am a boy."
The second baby asked, "And how do you know that?"
The baby replied, "I know because you have pink slippers and I have blue slippers."
ID: 524
Children
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.! "
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
ID: 2109
Children
Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chickens leg.
ID: 17082
Children
A kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, "I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!" The nurse said, "You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!" He died by biting his finger really hard.
ID: 15737
Children
Gregory was a boy who was always beaten up by a bully who everyone called: "The Demon". Everyday, "The Demon" would punch Gregory in the stomach without any warning. And Gregory always got a stomachache.
Now, Gregory wasn't very smart. He often confused things with other things and ended up in trouble. But Gregory didn't know. And Gregory had 7-9 fears and takes them seriously. He has a fear of telling a teacher on someone, so that's a reason why he's letting The Demon punch him.
The doctor told him that if he continued to be punched, that he would get a stomach bruise - which wasn't good at all.
So, Gregory and his father were having a father-to-son conversation about this problem.
"Son, why are you letting 'The Demon' punch you everyday?"
"I dunno dad."
"Well, you can't just let him punch you in the stomach."
"Really, dad?"
"Yes, really."
The next day, Gregory came home with stomach, and rib pains.
ID: 14635
Children
Girl: "Have you ever been caught been wearing your mother's bra?
Boy: "No!"
Girl: "So you have worn them but not been caught?"
ID: 15609
Children
It was the first day of school and I had gotten a serious scrape on my knee so I asked my friend Jesse to write down notes for me while I went to the nurse. Now, it was the first day of school and there were no notes written on our notebooks and neither of us had written our names on them, so when I came back the next and asked him to give me back my notebooks, he couldn't tell which was mine and which was his, so we both decided that we'd take either one. Near the end of the school year Jesse got in trouble for stealing my notebook. After he got in trouble (with 3 days detention) I asked him why he stole my notebook. He showed me a small note on the back of what we had thought was his notebook that had been written on the back as a joke saying, "Don't tell anyone, but this is my notebook," with a picture of me taped next to it. The date on the picture, August 8.
ID: 14274
Children
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven some day because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
ID: 16801
Children
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!
Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
I hope you're ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
Stop your swearing and just breathe.
Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.
+10,000 Jokes