ID: 4568
Children
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice...
"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."
ID: 13455
Children
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." - Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." - Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." - Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." - Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." - Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." - Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." - Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." - Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." - Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." - Ricky, age 10
ID: 15061
Children
The children in the Sunday school class were asked by their teacher to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. When she looked at little Ricky's picture, she was puzzled to see that he had drawn four people in an airplane, so she asked him which story it represented.
Little Ricky replied, "That's the Flight to Egypt."
"Oh, I see," said the teacher. "That must be Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, but who's the fourth person?"
"That's Pontius ... the Pilot!" answered Ricky.
ID: 15854
Children
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat is, but wanting to be like their teacher, they all raise their hands. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat", Lucy replies.
Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "I'm a Conservative," replies the Lucy.
The teacher is getting slightly angry now, so she asks Lucy
why she is a Conservative.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Mum and Dad are Conservatives, and I am a Conservative too."
The teacher is now very angry, because she is a proud Liberal Democrat, and doesn't like the idea that she may have picked the wrong party. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mum was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Liberal Democrat."
ID: 16975
Children
The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."
ID: 18135
Children
Music student: We played the beatles last night!
Gym student:who won?
ID: 16801
Children
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!
Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
I hope you're ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
Stop your swearing and just breathe.
Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.
ID: 15617
Children
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation the lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her.
However, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
ID: 18197
Children
(I am shelving DVDs in a library when a man comes in with a boy who appears to be autistic. The boy sees a movie about Thanksgiving.)
Boy: "Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I'm thankful... I'm thankful for... I'm thankful for my friends at school!"
Caretaker: "You're thankful for your friends at school?"
Boy: "Yeah! Yeah and... and... what are you thankful for? Are you thankful for your friends?"
Caretaker: *no response*
Boy: "Are you thankful for me?"
Caretaker: "I'm thankful for you, kid. I'm more thankful for you than all my friends in the world."
Boy: *smiles*
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