ID: 14247
Children
Baby Brother
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."
ID: 2856
Children
What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common?
They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.
ID: 8058
Children
Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
ID: 1595
Children
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
ID: 2100
Children
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
ID: 2096
Children
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Also...
11. If you built it, I get to knock it down.
ID: 6021
Children
Once the head teacher of a primary school walked into a classroom and started firing questions at the students.
Head Teacher: "Who made the world?"
The students shivered with fright but no one answered.
Head Teacher: "Children,I asked, WHO MADE THE WORLD?"
The teacher's voice was getting louder and the kids were freaking out.
The head teacher banged his fist on the front desk and yelled: "I SAID, WHO MADE THE WORLD?"
One of the students on the front seat yelled out in fright,
"OH PLEASE SIR, IT WASN'T ME!"
ID: 3669
Children
Little Leroy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." At that moment, his mother came in and heard that he was cursing. "Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?"
Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
He replied, "Yes."
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math." The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems." Little Leroy's mother asked, "Are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
ID: 1596
Children
A Duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the Duke. "I must find him."
After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the Duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," says the Duke. "I hereby admit you into my service, but I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
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