ID: 7451
Children
A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.
She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"
A little girl raised her hand.
"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"
"It's a cow, teacher."
"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.
Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"
Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"
ID: 1681
Children
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
ID: 5541
Children
It was the first day of school for little Jimmy. The teacher asked him, "What's 1+1?"
Jimmy replied, "3". The teacher said, "You go back home and ask your family what the answer is."
So, little Jimmy goes back home. He asks his father, who was having a conversation with his friend, "Daddy, what's 1+1?" The father replied impatiently, "Shut up!" So, little Jimmy asks his mother, "Mommy, what's 1+1?"
His mother, who was watching a show about George Bush on TV, carelessly responded, "George Bush."
Then Jimmy goes to his sister, "What's 1+1?" The sister was having a hot bath and she replied, "Oooohhhh, aahhhh".
Finally, Jimmy sees his brother, "What's 1+1?" he asked. Jimmy's brother was just going out with his girlfriend and he said, "let's go, darling."
So the next day, the teacher asks Jimmy, "What's 1+1?"
Jimmy replies, "Shut up!"
The teacher was outraged and asked angrily, "Who do you think you are?!"
Jimmy said, "George Bush."
Furious, the teacher hit Jimmy. Jimmy exclaimed, "Oooohhh, ahhhh".
"That's it!" The teacher shouted, "You are going to the headmaster!"
Jimmy said, "Let's go, darling."
ID: 13429
Children
A teacher is explaining Biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must have been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was,"said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F*ck,' the rottweiler ate him!"
ID: 4466
Children
Jack was summoned by the Disciplinarian where his son, Tracey was enrolled. Tracey always throw stones at his playmates and he never missed.
Jack replied to the Disciplinarian : Sir, please look at the bright side. My son will grow up to be a very effective baseball pitcher.
ID: 2659
Children
A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
ID: 4475
Children
A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out.
The son: And if he doesn't call?
ID: 11684
Children
Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?"
Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking."
Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?"
Jack: "Because I set him on fire!"
ID: 4582
Children
Molly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day.
Dear Santa,
Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy.
Love,
Molly
+10,000 Jokes