ID: 16803
Children
Excuse Notes from Parents ...
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
ID: 11689
Children
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.
'So, how did you do, son?' he asked.
'You'll never believe it!' Billy said. 'I was responsible for the winning run!'
'Really? How'd you do that?'
'I dropped the ball.'
ID: 12627
Children
"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel.
"No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.
ID: 12326
Children
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
ID: 12664
Children
Steve is playing with his 3 friends at his tree in the back garden, and his mum comes out and shouts,
"If all four of you fall out of that tree and break both legs, then don't come running to me!"
ID: 10684
Children
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
ID: 10636
Children
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother, after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night, and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked,"Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
ID: 9949
Children
Here are some cute things kids thought up when asked to write about the moon (all the spelling mistakes are original!)
The moon is a saterlight.
A long time ago a big object hit the Moon and some of the moon fell off.
If u look through a telliscope you can see big holes.
There are big montines on the moon just like on Earth - they are some of the left-overs of the Moon in big lumps
Neil Armstrong was the first person to step on the Moon. He had weights in his boots so he wouldn't fall off.
ID: 11073
Children
One day a man was watching a show that shows how people make candy bars (by the way he has one in his hand). About halfway through the show, his son comes in asks him if he could ask him a question. The man says yes so his son asks him, "Where can most criminals be found?"
The Man answers, "Behind candy bars"
"My point exactly," the son replies. (The son found 12 dollars to missing the day before and his father was the only who could take it given the circumstances at the time.)
A couple weeks later the man finds many of his personal items go missing. Then, one day when found his watch missing and he realizes his son took it. So the man waited until his son took out a candy bar for dessert after dinner and then he asks him, "Where can most criminals be found?"
"Behind Bars," replies his son thinking, *No DUH!!!? How dumb does he think I am?*
"Candy Bars to be exact," his father adds.
+10,000 Jokes