ID: 9092
Children
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."
ID: 333
Children
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
ID: 4735
Children
Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy?
Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.
ID: 16898
Children
When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.
ID: 13572
Children
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
Their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four characters."
ID: 11002
Children
Kevin attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Kevin asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Looking worried, Kevin said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"
ID: 6070
Children
Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail?
Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.
ID: 2096
Children
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Also...
11. If you built it, I get to knock it down.
ID: 2721
Children
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and not to talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table, so he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me, I have to go powder my nose." And, saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he returns, the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well, then," says the little girl, "you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
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