ID: 16428
Children
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"
ID: 11072
Children
Once,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet."
ID: 10579
Children
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly, until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward, why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
ID: 11042
Children
My 4 year old brother just had a birthday. At his birthday party he invited all his friends and a clown for the entertainment. The clown didn't have too many options for entertaining 4 year olds, so he figured a nice game of Simon Says would be fun.
"Simon says, 'Point to your nose.'"
The children all do it and he continues.
"Simon says, 'Point to your head.'"
Again they all do.
"Sit down."
All those who sat down are out.
"Simon says, 'Point to your lip.'"
Trying to end this silly game and go on with his pathetic life,
"Point to your eye."
"OWWWWW!!!" Yep. They lost.
ID: 9949
Children
Here are some cute things kids thought up when asked to write about the moon (all the spelling mistakes are original!)
The moon is a saterlight.
A long time ago a big object hit the Moon and some of the moon fell off.
If u look through a telliscope you can see big holes.
There are big montines on the moon just like on Earth - they are some of the left-overs of the Moon in big lumps
Neil Armstrong was the first person to step on the Moon. He had weights in his boots so he wouldn't fall off.
ID: 11001
Children
Ralph's father said, "Let me see your report card."
Ralph replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
ID: 10436
Children
(Answers given by elementary school age children
to the following questions.)
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2 . God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power, because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
ID: 10636
Children
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother, after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night, and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked,"Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
ID: 10642
Children
A policeman caught a nasty little boy, with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said. "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"
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