ID: 494
Children
A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
"Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed voice the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, "They're looking for me!"
ID: 754
Children
Seeing her son is still in bed, Mary goes to wake him up for school. When she wakes him up he says, "But I don't want to go to school mom."
Mary quite annoyed at this childlike behaviour says, "Well why not? You have to go."
The son replies, "But I don't like it. The kids are mean to me, the teachers hate me, and everyone makes fun of me."
Mary calmly replies, "I'm sorry son. But you MUST go to school!."
The son says, "But whyyyy?"
Mary annoyed at the delay says, "Because you're the damn principal!"
ID: 448
Children
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
ID: 6110
Children
A kindergarten teacher was giving her students a homework assignment. She said, "Students, I know you can do this. If you are going anywhere tonight, then watch how your parents drive in relation to the stoplight. This means, watch how they drive and what they say when the stoplight turns green, when it turns red, and when it turns yellow."
So the following day, all the little kids came back with smiles on their faces because they knew that they had done their homework.
The teacher asks, "So did everyone do their homework last night?" Every kid says in unison, "Yes!"
The teacher continues. "So can anyone tell me what you do when the light turns green?" She looks past the outstretched hand of Little Johnny to pick Little Billy. Billy said, "You say, 'yes, this stupid light finally turned green!', and then stay at the same speed."
"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. Little Johnny was mad; he wanted to answer a question. The teacher continued. "Can anyone tell me what you say and do when the stoplight turns red?" Again she looked past the outstretched hand of Little Johnny to pick Little Mary. Little Mary said, "You say, 'Darn, why did it turn red?' then you stop at the light."
"Very good, Mary," the teacher said. Little Johnny was really mad now. Finally, the teacher said, "Alright, the last one. Who can tell me what you say and do when the stoplight turns yellow?" She sighs, then finally picks Little Johnny after he practically fell out of his chair. Little Johnny said, "Okay, you say, 'Oh shit, the damn stoplight!" and then speed up so you can make the light!!!"
ID: 2100
Children
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
ID: 2109
Children
Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chickens leg.
ID: 6199
Children
Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father's getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, "Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Justin replies, "I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the son of a bitch!"
ID: 2123
Children
Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards.
"I did terrible," said Joe. "I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!"
"Me too," replied Ted.
"Well, why did you do terrible?" asked Joe.
"I forgot to bring a pencil!"
ID: 2127
Children
There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20.00 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse not on top."
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