ID: 15301
Children
A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there."
The child looked at me and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
ID: 11304
Children
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, okay." and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! Oh, Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"
ID: 13502
Children
Stay with this - the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute. I was born before:
* television
* penicillin
* polio shots
* frozen foods
* Xerox
* contact lenses
* Frisbees and
* the pill
There were no:
* credit cards
* laser beams or
* ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
* pantyhose
* air conditioners
* dishwashers
* clothes dryers
* and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers,and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt,or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
* "grass" was mowed,
* "coke" was a cold drink,
* "gay" meant happy
* "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
* "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
* "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
* " chip" meant a piece of wood,
* "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
* "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
The woman would probably be around 58!
ID: 10478
Children
On Halloween night a kid is standing on a bench with a fake beard, fake fangs, a tennis racket, a baseball cap, and a purple cape.
A snobby man walks by and says, "What are you supposed to be?"
The kid says, "Duh! I'm a kid standing on a bench wearing fake fangs, a fake beard, a baseball cap, a purple cape and holding a tennis racket! What did you think I was?"
ID: 12901
Children
Josh was never the most gifted child, but for this he couldn't really be blamed. His mother, Maria, was no better than him. However, the singular talent that he possessed was an odd one: He could memorize everything he ate. His mother didn't see this as satisfactory, but she decided to put his talent to good use; how you ask? Simply by writing, "Brilliant! Be brilliant!" on his lunch bag!
ID: 9601
Children
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
ID: 12711
Children
A detective was questioning a burglary suspect. "Where were you between five and six?" he asked.
"In kindergarten!" he replied
ID: 13298
Children
One day, Johnny saw his dad got caught on fire. Immeaditly he went to his mom saying, "Mom, mom hurry, dad's on fire, and I brought the marshmellows!"
Another day a lady came to the door asking for things for the old peoples fund. Johnny yelled from the doorway to his mom, "Hey mom, there's this person asking for the old peoples fund, shall I give them grandma?"
ID: 13351
Children
After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist, but the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14
+10,000 Jokes