ID: 5808
Children
You know how young children have that special hobby of always asking "Why?" Well, one day I went to the bank to pay some bills, and my 4-year-old daughter did just so.
"Mommy, why are we coming here?"
"So mommy can pay some bills."
"Why?"
"So that we can keep our house."
"Why?"
"So that we won't have to live on the streets."
"Why?"
"Because that's what will happen if we don't pay for our house."
"Why?"
"Because that's the way it goes."
"Why?"
"Why do you keeping asking 'why?'."
"...why?"
"You're being a nuisance."
"Why?"
"Because you got that from your father."
"Why?"
"Because your father is a nuisance."
"Why?"
"I don't know, you go ask HIM and then tell me why."
ID: 851
Children
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious!"
ID: 2149
Children
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied,
Child: "Bud."
ID: 448
Children
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
ID: 1903
Children
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother, a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes ... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."
ID: 1602
Children
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
ID: 4565
Children
Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read."
Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."
ID: 519
Children
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
ID: 5904
Children
A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses.
The mother asks, "Would you like some cheese, my angel?" The little girl says,"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?"
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