CHILDREN

ID: 16171

Children

Kids, Eh?

Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by.

She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

ID: 15045

Children

A Following Person

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"I wonder why," the teacher mused.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?" the teacher asked.

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

ID: 15097

Children

Lovely Little Sister

Seven-year-old Timmy had been the center of his parents' lives up until the time his new baby sister came along. He found it very difficult to share their attention and was becoming more and more jealous.

When his little sister was a year old, his parents took him aside and told him that since she was getting bigger, their house was too small, so they would be moving to a bigger house.

"Why bother," Timmy grumbled, "She's crawling good now, so she'll probably just follow us."

ID: 13011

Children

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

ID: 9786

Children

Twenty Dollars

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

ID: 15109

Children

Mother's Little Helper

Little Susie was mother's little helper and always set the table when company was coming for dinner.

The table was set, the visitors had arrived and everyone sat down at the table when Mother noticed that something was missing.

"Susie, you didn't put a knife and fork out for Mr. Grover," mother said.

"I didn't think he would need them, Mommy," Susie explained. "Daddy says he eats like a horse!"

ID: 14188

Children

Say What!!?!!?

I was at home one day when my son walked in on me and my husband.He said "Momma i found this moving around on the floor".(holding up my vibrator)I said "huh?"he asked if he could play with it...I said sure not knowing what it was at the time....I come out of my room go in his and its in his ass. Needless to say,he has watched me.

ID: 14691

Children

Toast Anyone?

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."

ID: 11777

Children

The Swimmer

Sally – "Mummy, why can't I go swimming in the sea?"
Mum – "Because there are sharks in the sea."
Sally – "But mummy, daddy is swimming in the sea."
Mum – "That's different, he's insured."

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