ID: 939
Blond
A blonde was recently fired from her cashier job, because she kept stealing money from the register. She went looking for work the next day.
A few days later, she came to a man who needed someone. "I'm here for the paint job", the blonde said eagerly. "Alright. Take this paint and brush, and go paint my backyard porch", replied the man.
The blonde immediately started painting. After she was done, she decided to do a second coat. When she was finished, she went to the man to get her pay.
"I finished it, and did a second coating too! By the way, that's not a Porsche, it's a new BMW".
ID: 423
Blond
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
ID: 426
Blond
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10, 000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10, 000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
ID: 404
Blond
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the women stared at the news waiting to know what's gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."
And the blonde says "Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
ID: 543
Blond
19. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.
20. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
21. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out.
22. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
23. What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?
Far-from-thinking
24. What did the blonde think of the new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
25. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
26. How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
27. How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
28. Why don't blondes eat Jello?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
29. Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
She liked kids...
30. Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar.
31. Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?
32. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
33. Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
To put their feet through.
34. How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.
35. Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop.
36. How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
37 How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
38. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
39. Why did the blonde fail her driver's license ?
She wasn't used to the front seat!
40. What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.
41. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.
42. What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm *sooo* drunk!"
43. What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
44. How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was run over by the Zamboni machine.
45. What's a brunette's mating call?
Has that blonde gone yet?
When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
"All the blondes have gone home!"
46: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
47. Why do blondes like the GST? (GST - Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
Because they can spell it.
48. What is 74 to a blonde?
69 plus G.S.T.
49. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
50. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.
ID: 146
Blond
One day a blonde was in a store, and saw a sign advertising a huge TV sale. She goes up to the salesman, and points to a shelf and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The man says "No."
The blonde, assuming its because he hates blondes, goes home and dyes her hair brown. She goes back to the store and asks again, only to again be told again, "No."
She goes home dies her hair black, and returns yet again. She asks for the TV, and is told "No, go home you blonde!"
So she finally snaps and cries, "I've died my hair twice!How the hell do you know I'm blonde?"
The salesman replies, "That's a microwave."
ID: 1740
Blond
One day a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were hiking when they came across a cliff.
There was no bridge and they couldn't think of anyother way to get across so they decided to turn around and go back. Just then a magical fairy appeared and said that they could turn into anything they wanted to help them get across the cliff, all they had to do was run, jump, and say the name of it. The brunette ran and jumped and yelled out, "Eagle," and she soared across the cliff. The redhead ran and jumped then yelled, "Hawk," and flew across to the other side. Then it was the blonde's turn she ran and jumped. When she was in mid air, she forgot what she was going to say and yelled "O crap!"....
ID: 5673
Blond
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked in the box of cheerios?
A: Oh look, donut seeds!
ID: 2261
Blond
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
+10,000 Jokes