ID: 7202
Bar
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerf$%^."
ID: 9722
Bar
A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
ID: 7725
Bar
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
ID: 16449
Bar
A guy is sitting with a woman at a bar late at night and they are flirting with each other. The lady tells him all about herself and the man sits there listening. After she is done, the man repeats what she said.
"So, you're a 20 year old college graduate from Harvard, a famous fashion model, you love video games and football, you like to do housework, you never complain, you don't own a cell phone, you're a virgin, your parents are dead and they left you loads of money, you have perfect teeth, shiny and smooth hair, no wrinkles or blemishes, you have 2% body fat, you're always willing to have sex, your brother is Peyton Manning, you have a hot bi-sexual roommate, and a 3 story house". She nods her head, "Yup, that's me".
The man squints at her and asks, "Is that pre-op or post-op?"
ID: 15154
Bar
The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
ID: 10526
Bar
A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this?
Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
ID: 238
Bar
A drunk guy stumbles into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "No way, you've had enough."
So the drunk leaves.
The drunk then enters the bar from the rear door and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender refuses and asks the drunk to leave.
The drunk comes back into the bar through the front door and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Listen, I'm not giving you a damn drink, you're already drunk enough."
The drunk says, "DAMN, MAN! How many bars do you work at?"
ID: 13870
Bar
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
ID: 14870
Bar
A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk, "Do you live here?" "Yep," replied the drunk. "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" And again the drunk replied, "yep." When they got up on the second floor, the good samaritan asked "Is this your floor?" And once again the drunk replied, "yep."
Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk, "Do you live here?" "Yep," replied the drunk. "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" And agin the drunk replied, "yep." So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
+10,000 Jokes