ID: 14482
Bar
Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.
His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."
Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend," and tossed that drink down, too.
"But I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.
Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, "Not any more!"
ID: 7504
Bar
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Geez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s***."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me, would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry, right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*** in her pants."
ID: 12438
Bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
ID: 8894
Bar
There are two guys walking down the street when they stumble upon a drunk. They walked up to him and the 1st guy said, "Sir, what is you name?"
"My name is Jesus Christ!" slurred the drunk.
"That can't possibly be, what is your real name?" asked the 2nd man.
The drunk repeated, "I told you my name is Jesus Christ!"
The two men still didn't believe him so the drunk told them to follow him as he walked into a nearby bar.
It was then they heard the bartender say, "Jesus Christ, are you here again?!"
ID: 7029
Bar
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?".
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
ID: 10526
Bar
A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this?
Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
ID: 17366
Bar
So my friend and I were talking (for real this time) at lunch and he told a joke.
Him: So this kid found beer under his brother's bed and before he went to school he drank like 5 bottles and was drunk. Then his teacher asked him what 7+7 was and he was like 302 and the teacher said it was right in a slurred voice.
Then the conversation continues and I tell some of boodler's and Newf's and Drunky's and alex1234's (hey, it's not illegal) and after a while I take a swig of my milk carton, slam it down like a drunk and say 302. My friend was like, "Huh?" then breaks out laughing a belly laugh.
ID: 14849
Bar
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 21," replies the barman.
ID: 15096
Bar
A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife.
"What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.
+10,000 Jokes