ID: 13531
Bar
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking.
The good father was able to convince Paddy that, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and could not get that thought out of his mind. He couldn't sleep for a week worrying about the priest's threat and finally said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
ID: 15096
Bar
A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife.
"What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.
ID: 7202
Bar
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerf$%^."
ID: 8136
Bar
I-rish my beer was full...
ID: 7506
Bar
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling
on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you
spare a dollar?"
The man thinks about the question for a bit and
asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you
going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No", says the bum.
The man then asks the bum, "If I give you a
dollar are you going to use it to gamble?"
"No", says the bum.
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming
home with me so I can show my wife what happens
to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
ID: 13107
Bar
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
ID: 10526
Bar
A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this?
Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
ID: 13870
Bar
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
ID: 9720
Bar
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
+10,000 Jokes