ID: 593
Bar
A drunk man stumbles into the bar to the only other customer and asks if the man would buy him a drink.
The second man says yes.
They have a drink, and the first man decides to fill the quiet gap.
He asks, "So where you from?"
The second man replies, "Ireland."
The first man says, "WOW! Me too. Let's drink to Ireland."
They drink and the second man says, "So what part of Ireland ya from?"
The first man says, "Dublin. So...what school did you go to?"
The second man says, "St. Sebastians. Graduated in 1969."
The first man astonished says, "ME TOO! Damn, what a coincidence."
Just then a regular comes in the bar and asks the bartender what's going on.
The bartender replies, "Nothin' much. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
ID: 3379
Bar
A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, "Man, you look real down. Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps."
"Well, I doubt it," replied the man. "You see, I'm a composer who hasn't had much luck. It seems the world is really against me. Recently I wrote the best song I've ever written, but I can't get any music publishers interested, and I've been to them all."
The bartender suggested, "Well let's hear it. Try it out on the crowd."
The man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music penetrates the very soul of all those present.
When he finishes playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the bartender remarked, "I can't believe you can't get that published! That has to be the most beautiful piece of music I've ever heard. What's it called, anyway?"
"I call it 'I Love You So Much That I Just Know You'll Cheat On Me, You Witch!'" the musician replied.
ID: 511
Bar
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't be so bad, except that he has a couple of empty bottles in his back pockets, and they broke so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. He is so drunk that he doesn't know he is hurt.
A few minutes later, as he is undressing, he notices blood, so he checks himself in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind is cut up something terrible. He repairs the damage as best he can under the circumstances and goes to bed.
The next morning, his head is hurting, and his rear is hurting, and he is hunkering under the covers trying to concoct some good story, when his wife comes into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she says. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he says, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replies. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replies, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
ID: 12138
Bar
Three men walked into a bar. They died
ID: 17964
Bar
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"
The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"
"She's standing here next to me."
The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"
The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
ID: 8136
Bar
I-rish my beer was full...
ID: 7506
Bar
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling
on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you
spare a dollar?"
The man thinks about the question for a bit and
asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you
going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No", says the bum.
The man then asks the bum, "If I give you a
dollar are you going to use it to gamble?"
"No", says the bum.
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming
home with me so I can show my wife what happens
to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
ID: 440
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already.
The bartender says, "If you say you paid I believe you."
The man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't.
The co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill.
The co-worker says, "But I've paid already."
The bartender says, "Well I guess you could of. I believe you."
The co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar.
The friend goes in the bar and drinks alot. The bartender talks to the friend and tells him, "You know, 2 guys came in here earlier claiming they paid. The next guy who tries that is gonna get punched in the face."
The friend says, "Don't bother me with your problems. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
ID: 13682
Bar
A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food."
+10,000 Jokes