ID: 10790
Bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
ID: 8136
Bar
I-rish my beer was full...
ID: 9573
Bar
A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend.
She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?"
copyright fox corp.
ID: 11162
Bar
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a triple shot of Jack!".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar, and says, "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says, "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
ID: 13531
Bar
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking.
The good father was able to convince Paddy that, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and could not get that thought out of his mind. He couldn't sleep for a week worrying about the priest's threat and finally said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
ID: 13977
Bar
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town."
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."
Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
ID: 10531
Bar
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've some thin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery."
" Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
ID: 7202
Bar
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerf$%^."
ID: 11164
Bar
A woman goes to a new bar at the top of a skyscraper and over by the counter she sees an attractive man. She keeps her eye on him as she orders a drink, and she sees the man take a shot and jump out the window.
She's so shocked she can't speak, but moments later he walks back into the bar. He goes back to the counter, orders another shot, takes it and jumps out the window. Sure enough moments later he walks back into the bar again, completely unharmed.
She walks over to him and says, "I've been watching you, and I've got to ask what is going on. We're thirty stories up!" He leans over and passes her a shot, "If you take a shot of this, you can fly." So she takes the shot, jumps out the window, and plummets to her death.
The bartender looks over and says "Superman, you're a real asshole when you drink."
+10,000 Jokes