ID: 238
Bar
A drunk guy stumbles into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "No way, you've had enough."
So the drunk leaves.
The drunk then enters the bar from the rear door and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender refuses and asks the drunk to leave.
The drunk comes back into the bar through the front door and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Listen, I'm not giving you a damn drink, you're already drunk enough."
The drunk says, "DAMN, MAN! How many bars do you work at?"
ID: 14438
Bar
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
ID: 837
Bar
A really really drunk man stumbled out of a local bar and right into the nun. Quickly the man punched the nun right in the face. Stunned the nun tried to run away, but the drunk just ran after her and pushed her to the ground. The drunk then proceeded to kick the nun repeatedly until the nun was begging for mercy.
The drunk leans down and looks at the nun and says, "Not so tough now, eh Batman?"
ID: 324
Bar
A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig.
Another pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work.
A third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. "Wait," says the bartender, curious, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?"
"Nope," says the pig, "I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
-Courtesy of my cousin
ID: 181
Bar
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
ID: 441
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a lot of drinks. He gets completely wasted. He mentions to the bartender that he has his girlfriend sitting in his new corvette outside so she can drive him home.
While the bartender went outside to throw out the garbage he notices a corvette with a man and a woman making out in it. He goes back into the bar and tells the man to go check on his girl.
The man leaves and comes back laughing and staggering a few minutes later.
Confused the bartender asks what is so funny.
The man replies, "My friend Bobby is so wasted he thinks he's me!"
ID: 242
Bar
A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back.
Then his wife whispers, "I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted."
The man whispers, "No I haven't, and no I'm not."
The woman replies, "Then where's your wheelchair?"
ID: 883
Bar
Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, "What can I getcha?"
The first vampire replies, "I'll have a pint of blood".
The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood.
The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, "What about you?"
The third vampire says, "I think I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite."
ID: 597
Bar
A drunk phones the police.
He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!"
The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back.
He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."
+10,000 Jokes