ID: 2355
Bar
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
ID: 4680
Bar
One time there were three guys sitting at a bar. One was stupid, one was pretty smart, and the third was very intelligent. Well, they were sitting at the bar and the pretty smart one says that they should go on a deer hunt.
"I'll go first," says the smart one. Later the man comes back with a big deer. The two other men ask how he got such a deer. "I just followed some tracks, kept on going, then BAM! I found my self a deer!" says the man. So the pretty smart one goes after that. He comes back later and the two men still at the bar asked how he got the deer. He replies the same way the smart man replied. Next goes the stupid one. About thirty minutes passed and he came back looking beat up. The men at the bar rushed over and started to question him how he got his injuries.
"Well," he says, "I followed some tracks, and I looked up and there was this big light. It came rushing toward me, with steam puffing out. Then, before I knew it... BAM!"
ID: 1657
Bar
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"
ID: 6734
Bar
What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.
ID: 396
Bar
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
ID: 2164
Bar
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Newfie walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the foam. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Newfie too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEF!"
ID: 15305
Bar
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.
Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."
ID: 12438
Bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
ID: 2765
Bar
A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other.
"who hit me?"
"It wasn't me."
"I didn't see too much either."
"It must have been the dog"
"What dog?"
"I'm blind so I couldn't see a dog."
"Doh, that means I hit myself."
"hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that."
+10,000 Jokes