ID: 239
Bar
A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out.
The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.
The next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.
The bartender replies in an angry voice, "What? No beer for me this time?"
The man says, "No way man, you're violent when you drink."
ID: 16035
Bar
Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?
Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
ID: 441
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a lot of drinks. He gets completely wasted. He mentions to the bartender that he has his girlfriend sitting in his new corvette outside so she can drive him home.
While the bartender went outside to throw out the garbage he notices a corvette with a man and a woman making out in it. He goes back into the bar and tells the man to go check on his girl.
The man leaves and comes back laughing and staggering a few minutes later.
Confused the bartender asks what is so funny.
The man replies, "My friend Bobby is so wasted he thinks he's me!"
ID: 5632
Bar
The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
ID: 4976
Bar
An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen
ID: 2355
Bar
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
ID: 511
Bar
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't be so bad, except that he has a couple of empty bottles in his back pockets, and they broke so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. He is so drunk that he doesn't know he is hurt.
A few minutes later, as he is undressing, he notices blood, so he checks himself in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind is cut up something terrible. He repairs the damage as best he can under the circumstances and goes to bed.
The next morning, his head is hurting, and his rear is hurting, and he is hunkering under the covers trying to concoct some good story, when his wife comes into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she says. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he says, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replies. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replies, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
ID: 398
Bar
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
ID: 2883
Bar
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
+10,000 Jokes