ID: 12438
Bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
ID: 1698
Bar
There was a little guy in a bar drinking his beer, when all of a sudden a big guy comes and knocks him off his stool and says "that was a karate chop from Japan"
The little guy get's back up on his stool again and start's to drink his beer again, when all of a sudden the big guy knock's him of his stool again, and says that was a karate kick from China,
So the little guy get's back up and leave's for a moment then come's back in and goes up to the big guy hits him and knock's him off of his stool out cold.... he then, tell's the bartender "when he gets up to ask me, that was a crowbar from Sears"
ID: 239
Bar
A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out.
The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.
The next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.
The bartender replies in an angry voice, "What? No beer for me this time?"
The man says, "No way man, you're violent when you drink."
ID: 943
Bar
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom."
"Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
ID: 1115
Bar
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What happened?"
The guy replies, "I just found out my younger brother is gay." He finish's his shots and leaves.
The next day he comes back and orders five shots and the bartender asks, " What happened this time?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay and I always looked up to him." The man finish's his shots and leaves.
The next day he comes back and orders twelve shots. The bartender says, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man replies, " Yea, my mom."
ID: 2004
Bar
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
ID: 396
Bar
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
ID: 6058
Bar
One day a man with a box walked in a bar. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face, then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your wiener off."
The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have wieners."
Then the man said, "If you don't have wieners, then how do you pee?"
"By spitting," said the leprechaun.
ID: 181
Bar
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
+10,000 Jokes