ID: 18162
Bar
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
ID: 9722
Bar
A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
ID: 13107
Bar
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
ID: 7504
Bar
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Geez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s***."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me, would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry, right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*** in her pants."
ID: 7438
Bar
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!
They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!
ID: 8136
Bar
I-rish my beer was full...
ID: 8054
Bar
An Irish couple were having a dinner party and the wife, Patty, was very concerned that this dinner go off with out a hitch. She sent the husband, Phillip, off to get some escargot (snails) for an appetizer. She said to him "Don't stop at the local pub, I need you back here right away."
So off he goes. After a while he doesn't come back and Patty is getting more and more nervous.
About 5 hours later, after the dinner had ended, Phillip, obviously drunk, was just getting into the driveway of the house when he slipped and the snails went flying everywhere. Patty came out of the house and said to him, "Where have you been this whole time?"
Thinking quickly Phillip bent down, looked at the snails and replied, "Come on, little fellers, you're almost home."
ID: 12823
Bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
ID: 13949
Bar
One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any corn?" and the bartender says, "No, we only sell beer."
The next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, "Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!"
The next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, "Do you have any nails?" and the bartender says, "No," so the man says, "Do you have any corn?"
+10,000 Jokes