ID: 2885
Bar
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
ID: 1711
Bar
After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.
The first sits down and says, "Hey, Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."
The bartender gives him one.
Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"
The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
ID: 2883
Bar
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
ID: 11164
Bar
A woman goes to a new bar at the top of a skyscraper and over by the counter she sees an attractive man. She keeps her eye on him as she orders a drink, and she sees the man take a shot and jump out the window.
She's so shocked she can't speak, but moments later he walks back into the bar. He goes back to the counter, orders another shot, takes it and jumps out the window. Sure enough moments later he walks back into the bar again, completely unharmed.
She walks over to him and says, "I've been watching you, and I've got to ask what is going on. We're thirty stories up!" He leans over and passes her a shot, "If you take a shot of this, you can fly." So she takes the shot, jumps out the window, and plummets to her death.
The bartender looks over and says "Superman, you're a real asshole when you drink."
ID: 17502
Bar
Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!"
Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?"
Guest: "Why, filtered, of course."
Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now."
ID: 2355
Bar
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
ID: 4680
Bar
One time there were three guys sitting at a bar. One was stupid, one was pretty smart, and the third was very intelligent. Well, they were sitting at the bar and the pretty smart one says that they should go on a deer hunt.
"I'll go first," says the smart one. Later the man comes back with a big deer. The two other men ask how he got such a deer. "I just followed some tracks, kept on going, then BAM! I found my self a deer!" says the man. So the pretty smart one goes after that. He comes back later and the two men still at the bar asked how he got the deer. He replies the same way the smart man replied. Next goes the stupid one. About thirty minutes passed and he came back looking beat up. The men at the bar rushed over and started to question him how he got his injuries.
"Well," he says, "I followed some tracks, and I looked up and there was this big light. It came rushing toward me, with steam puffing out. Then, before I knew it... BAM!"
ID: 3154
Bar
A young man entered a bar, walked to the counter and told the barman,
"May I have a question, sir? I heard that a drink of beer will bring you the courage to do something terrible that you hate to do? Is that right, sir?"
"Yes, I guess so," the barman answered with a smile.
"How much beer then?"
"It depends. Why don't you try and find out?"
"OK, then give me a glass of beer please."
Sitting in the corner, the young man kept asking for more beer. After the fifth glass, the barman looked at the man with a wink, "Well, how do you feel? Am I right?"
"Uh yes, I feel the courage growing in me, but not enough," and then he ordered another drink.
Three more glasses and then the man stood up, saying to the barman with a very strong voice, "All right, thank you for the beer, sir. I'll stop here. I think I'll make it now!"
This time the barman could not overcome his curiosity. "Yes, I can tell that from your face," he said, "but may I ask what is that thing that you hate to do so much, man?"
The young man said, "Just telling somebody that I have no money in my pocket, sir" he answered wryly.
ID: 4708
Bar
A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all drinking in a bar. Suddenly, the South African downs the remainder of his drink, tosses his glass in the air, draws his pistol and shoots the glass.
"In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says proudly.
The Australian, who is obviously impressed by this, downs his drink, tosses his glass, draws his gun and shoots the glass.
"In Australia we've got so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says.
The Englishman pauses to give this some thought, then downs his drink, casually tosses his glass into the air, draws his gun, and shoots the South African and the Australian.
"In England we have so many South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice," he says.
+10,000 Jokes