ID: 1656
Bar
Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie, the bartender, "Where's Beverly, the waitress?"
"She's dead," replied the bartender.
"Dead?" asked Bill.
"She died from herpes," said the bartender.
Bill replied, "You don't die from herpes."
"You do if you give it to Big Louie!" said the bartender.
ID: 239
Bar
A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out.
The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.
The next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.
The bartender replies in an angry voice, "What? No beer for me this time?"
The man says, "No way man, you're violent when you drink."
ID: 238
Bar
A drunk guy stumbles into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "No way, you've had enough."
So the drunk leaves.
The drunk then enters the bar from the rear door and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender refuses and asks the drunk to leave.
The drunk comes back into the bar through the front door and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Listen, I'm not giving you a damn drink, you're already drunk enough."
The drunk says, "DAMN, MAN! How many bars do you work at?"
ID: 14482
Bar
Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.
His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."
Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend," and tossed that drink down, too.
"But I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.
Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, "Not any more!"
ID: 10790
Bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
ID: 397
Bar
A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him.
To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking.
The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass."
The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look."
The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work.
10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The gang leaves laughing and the man is nowhere to be seen.
Horrified to what he might find he runs into the bathroom and sees the man spread eagle out on the floor with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
The bartender asks, "Are you OK? What did they do??"
The man replies, "Huh? Oh, don't worry. I'm just waiting for a fax."
ID: 7438
Bar
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!
They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!
ID: 6999
Bar
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC !!!!!
ID: 788
Bar
A bear goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry we dont serve bears here."
The bear, upset, says angrily, "Gimme a beer or I'll eat that lady over there!"
The bartender says, "Go ahead, I don't care."
The bear goes and savagely mauls the woman then eats her in front of the bartender.
The bear goes and says, "Now give me a beer or I'll eat someone else."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve bears on drugs in here."
The bear goes, "What? I'm not on drugs!"
The bartender says, "What about the barbituate?"
+10,000 Jokes