ID: 6510
Bar
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger; screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as sober as a judge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
ID: 8894
Bar
There are two guys walking down the street when they stumble upon a drunk. They walked up to him and the 1st guy said, "Sir, what is you name?"
"My name is Jesus Christ!" slurred the drunk.
"That can't possibly be, what is your real name?" asked the 2nd man.
The drunk repeated, "I told you my name is Jesus Christ!"
The two men still didn't believe him so the drunk told them to follow him as he walked into a nearby bar.
It was then they heard the bartender say, "Jesus Christ, are you here again?!"
ID: 15154
Bar
The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
ID: 7438
Bar
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!
They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!
ID: 5
Bar
So, this guy walks into a bar.
And says, "ouch".
ID: 1634
Bar
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.'
'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep.
'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'
ID: 10910
Bar
A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?"
Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..."
ID: 883
Bar
Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, "What can I getcha?"
The first vampire replies, "I'll have a pint of blood".
The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood.
The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, "What about you?"
The third vampire says, "I think I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite."
ID: 9573
Bar
A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend.
She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?"
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