ID: 7438
Bar
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!
They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!
ID: 241
Bar
2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face.
5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don't care about the other patrons, they are just waiting for him to start up his car. He falls again on his face.
5 more patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk stumbles to his car door and opens it up and sits inside.
6 patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk starts up his car but before he could move the cops are on him sticking a breathalyzer in his face.
He takes the test and passes with blood alcohol level of 0.00. The cops are pissed and asked him what the hell he was doing.
The drunk replies, "I'm the designated decoy."
ID: 1637
Bar
So, this guy, Bill is sitting in a bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.
The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe, says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?'
Bill answers 'well, I got this magic lamp with a genie.'
So Joe asks 'that's great, could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He continued, 'I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!
Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!' Bill explained.
'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?
ID: 2004
Bar
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
ID: 239
Bar
A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out.
The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.
The next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.
The bartender replies in an angry voice, "What? No beer for me this time?"
The man says, "No way man, you're violent when you drink."
ID: 13949
Bar
One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any corn?" and the bartender says, "No, we only sell beer."
The next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, "Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!"
The next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, "Do you have any nails?" and the bartender says, "No," so the man says, "Do you have any corn?"
ID: 13107
Bar
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
ID: 13977
Bar
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town."
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."
Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
ID: 1359
Bar
Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.
"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Joe replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" Joe replies.
At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
Joe looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
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