ID: 7202
Bar
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerf$%^."
ID: 837
Bar
A really really drunk man stumbled out of a local bar and right into the nun. Quickly the man punched the nun right in the face. Stunned the nun tried to run away, but the drunk just ran after her and pushed her to the ground. The drunk then proceeded to kick the nun repeatedly until the nun was begging for mercy.
The drunk leans down and looks at the nun and says, "Not so tough now, eh Batman?"
ID: 5432
Bar
This guy sits down at the bar, and starts telling the bartendar, "I've been married for 12 years now and I want some variety. I'm sick of the same old thing! I want something different!" The bartendar says, "12 years thats a long time, you don't want to do anything stupid! Hell, if ya want something different just flip her over!" The man replies, "What? And have a houseful of kids!"
ID: 3379
Bar
A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, "Man, you look real down. Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps."
"Well, I doubt it," replied the man. "You see, I'm a composer who hasn't had much luck. It seems the world is really against me. Recently I wrote the best song I've ever written, but I can't get any music publishers interested, and I've been to them all."
The bartender suggested, "Well let's hear it. Try it out on the crowd."
The man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music penetrates the very soul of all those present.
When he finishes playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the bartender remarked, "I can't believe you can't get that published! That has to be the most beautiful piece of music I've ever heard. What's it called, anyway?"
"I call it 'I Love You So Much That I Just Know You'll Cheat On Me, You Witch!'" the musician replied.
ID: 438
Bar
A pirate walks into a bar and has a seat. The bartender notices the pirates peg-leg, eyepatch and hook for a hand.
The bartender and the pirate start talking and the bartender casually slips in the question of how the pirate lost his leg.
The pirate says, "I fell overboard and a shark bit my leg off."
They talk more and the bartender asks how the pirate got the hook.
The pirate says, "We were boarded by enemy pirates and they cut off my hand before running away.
They talk some more and the bartender finally asks how the pirate got his eyepatch.
The pirate said, "A seagull crapped in my eye."
The bartender says, "Wow! You lost your eye to seagull poo in your eye?"
The pirate says, "Well no... it was my first day with the hook."
ID: 1359
Bar
Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.
"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Joe replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" Joe replies.
At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
Joe looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
ID: 15308
Bar
It's forty below zero one winter "night" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
ID: 347
Bar
There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
ID: 2164
Bar
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Newfie walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the foam. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Newfie too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEF!"
+10,000 Jokes