ID: 5
Bar
So, this guy walks into a bar.
And says, "ouch".
ID: 16035
Bar
Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?
Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
ID: 2883
Bar
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
ID: 2375
Bar
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
ID: 2004
Bar
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
ID: 9527
Bar
Three senators were sitting at the bar and having drinks with each other. The democrat started a conversation of were they liked their wives to be positioned during sex, the democrat said that he likes his wife on top, so he can see all of her. The republican said, "No no no I like my wife on the bottom, she needs to know who the one with the control and dominance is." The independent blurted out, "I prefer my wife out of town."
ID: 6447
Bar
A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?"
The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"
ID: 8054
Bar
An Irish couple were having a dinner party and the wife, Patty, was very concerned that this dinner go off with out a hitch. She sent the husband, Phillip, off to get some escargot (snails) for an appetizer. She said to him "Don't stop at the local pub, I need you back here right away."
So off he goes. After a while he doesn't come back and Patty is getting more and more nervous.
About 5 hours later, after the dinner had ended, Phillip, obviously drunk, was just getting into the driveway of the house when he slipped and the snails went flying everywhere. Patty came out of the house and said to him, "Where have you been this whole time?"
Thinking quickly Phillip bent down, looked at the snails and replied, "Come on, little fellers, you're almost home."
ID: 12438
Bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
+10,000 Jokes