ID: 15648
Bar
I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago.
A camel can go eight days without a drink -
but who the hell wants to be a camel.
ID: 788
Bar
A bear goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry we dont serve bears here."
The bear, upset, says angrily, "Gimme a beer or I'll eat that lady over there!"
The bartender says, "Go ahead, I don't care."
The bear goes and savagely mauls the woman then eats her in front of the bartender.
The bear goes and says, "Now give me a beer or I'll eat someone else."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve bears on drugs in here."
The bear goes, "What? I'm not on drugs!"
The bartender says, "What about the barbituate?"
ID: 546
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a drink.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so handsome."
He looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so smart and kind."
He looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on.
The bartender says, "O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
ID: 260
Bar
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
ID: 5
Bar
So, this guy walks into a bar.
And says, "ouch".
ID: 597
Bar
A drunk phones the police.
He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!"
The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back.
He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."
ID: 402
Bar
A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring.
The punk gets mad turns around and says, "Hey old man, what are you looking at?"
The old man says, "Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."
ID: 757
Bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
ID: 943
Bar
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom."
"Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
+10,000 Jokes