ID: 243
Bar
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed, the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
"That tastes like pee!" he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
ID: 8233
Bar
The following actually occured last year in a resturaunt in Redford, Michigan.
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So........There's an empty bar,at the far right a man
walks up, sits down, and orders a ginger ale.
Another guy sits down at the opposite side of the bar a few minutes later and orders a glass of white wine. He says aloud in a quiet voice, "How could our President try to stop gay marriage?"
Then the man at the far right answered, "Because marriage is bettween a man and a women and anyone who disagrees is going to have to change how they feel eventually if they want to go to heaven." (He sips his ginger ale, and puts his head in his hand to support himself.)
"But really why? That seems so biased. It just doesn't seem fair. Why must he do this?"
"Because my God deems such things unlawful, and apparently the President seems to agree with him."
"Really..."(noding his head in an inquisetive way, expecting to be enlightend). He asked, "What else does your God disaprove of?"
"Pork."
ID: 244
Bar
A man goes into the bar and orders a scotch. He gulps it down, and looks in his hand. He orders another one. He gulps it down and orders another one. He again looks in his hand. He orders 2 scotches this time and gulps them both down. He looks in his hand. The bartender, curious, asks the man what's going on.
The man replies, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'm going home."
ID: 1115
Bar
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What happened?"
The guy replies, "I just found out my younger brother is gay." He finish's his shots and leaves.
The next day he comes back and orders five shots and the bartender asks, " What happened this time?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay and I always looked up to him." The man finish's his shots and leaves.
The next day he comes back and orders twelve shots. The bartender says, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man replies, " Yea, my mom."
ID: 260
Bar
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
ID: 788
Bar
A bear goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry we dont serve bears here."
The bear, upset, says angrily, "Gimme a beer or I'll eat that lady over there!"
The bartender says, "Go ahead, I don't care."
The bear goes and savagely mauls the woman then eats her in front of the bartender.
The bear goes and says, "Now give me a beer or I'll eat someone else."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve bears on drugs in here."
The bear goes, "What? I'm not on drugs!"
The bartender says, "What about the barbituate?"
ID: 943
Bar
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom."
"Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
ID: 324
Bar
A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig.
Another pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work.
A third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. "Wait," says the bartender, curious, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?"
"Nope," says the pig, "I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
-Courtesy of my cousin
ID: 438
Bar
A pirate walks into a bar and has a seat. The bartender notices the pirates peg-leg, eyepatch and hook for a hand.
The bartender and the pirate start talking and the bartender casually slips in the question of how the pirate lost his leg.
The pirate says, "I fell overboard and a shark bit my leg off."
They talk more and the bartender asks how the pirate got the hook.
The pirate says, "We were boarded by enemy pirates and they cut off my hand before running away.
They talk some more and the bartender finally asks how the pirate got his eyepatch.
The pirate said, "A seagull crapped in my eye."
The bartender says, "Wow! You lost your eye to seagull poo in your eye?"
The pirate says, "Well no... it was my first day with the hook."
+10,000 Jokes