ID: 17642
Bar
"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."
ID: 16958
Bar
A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says, "Sir, you're new, and when you're new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile's sore tooth, then you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can't come to this bar again!"
The newcomers says, "That's ridiculous!" and leaves the bar.
A couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard.
After a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, cries of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised.
Then he goes up to the manager and says, "Okay, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
ID: 14871
Bar
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
ID: 17453
Bar
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
ID: 15096
Bar
A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife.
"What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.
ID: 16449
Bar
A guy is sitting with a woman at a bar late at night and they are flirting with each other. The lady tells him all about herself and the man sits there listening. After she is done, the man repeats what she said.
"So, you're a 20 year old college graduate from Harvard, a famous fashion model, you love video games and football, you like to do housework, you never complain, you don't own a cell phone, you're a virgin, your parents are dead and they left you loads of money, you have perfect teeth, shiny and smooth hair, no wrinkles or blemishes, you have 2% body fat, you're always willing to have sex, your brother is Peyton Manning, you have a hot bi-sexual roommate, and a 3 story house". She nods her head, "Yup, that's me".
The man squints at her and asks, "Is that pre-op or post-op?"
ID: 16448
Bar
Four friends are at a bar one night when they spy a gorgeous woman sitting down at a table. They know they can't all have her so they decide to take turns trying to get the girl. The first friend walks up to the woman and says "Is it hot in here or is it just you"? The woman replies by turning away and the man plods back sadly to his friends. The second friend sits down next to her and very romantically states "heaven must be missing an angel". The lady tells him to leave so he goes back to sit with his friends. The third friend orders her a drink and sits down with her. He places his hand on her leg and before he can utter a word she calls security and he gets thrown out the bar. The fourth and final friend walks over to her table and bluntly says "want to go have unprotected sex"? They became married 2 months later.
ID: 17964
Bar
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"
The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"
"She's standing here next to me."
The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"
The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
ID: 16467
Bar
A midget walks into a bar and trips over some sh*t left on the floor.
Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment, he doesn't make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink.
A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sh*t.
The midget smiles and says, "I just did that".
So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.
+10,000 Jokes