ID: 3659
Bar
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
ID: 7438
Bar
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!
They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!
ID: 546
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a drink.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so handsome."
He looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so smart and kind."
He looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on.
The bartender says, "O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
ID: 2164
Bar
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Newfie walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the foam. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Newfie too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEF!"
ID: 4447
Bar
A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window.
The white man asks, "Why'd you throw that taco out?" The Mexican replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of those."
Next the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, "Why'd you throw that weed out?" The Cuban replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of that..."
Suddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, "Why'd you throw him out the window?!" The white man answers, "Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those."
ID: 239
Bar
A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out.
The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.
The next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.
The bartender replies in an angry voice, "What? No beer for me this time?"
The man says, "No way man, you're violent when you drink."
ID: 5
Bar
So, this guy walks into a bar.
And says, "ouch".
ID: 6873
Bar
1. You've named that purple elephant that follows you everywhere.
2. Vision Imparment goggles don't change anything.
3. You earn $30 by counting your money again.
4. You use your beer belly as a coffee table.
5. You fly home every night.
6. Your wife keeps telling you not to light the house on fire but you don't listen. What does she know anyway?
7. Your house is fire proofed but you still manage to burn it to the ground.
8. You have a second, third anniversary.
9. The dog is drunk to.
10. No one you see can stop moving.
11. You offer the police officer that pulls you over a cold one.
12. The officer asks you about the vehicle you're pulling, you reply with "whats wrong with towing a boat?" to which he replies "Nothing, but we do require you put it on a trailer."
13. "Could you ask your friends to get out of the boat, sir?"
14. Your designated driver has horrible gas milage... and you wake up broke.
15. Your designated driver drops you off, & when your boss comes out you think your wife is cheating.
16. Then you think he stole your lawn gnomes.
17. And bought you a new car.
18. And you get fired in the morning.
19. You haven't legally driven since you turned 21.
20. Your wife doesn't even care that you're cheating on her.
ID: 6510
Bar
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger; screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as sober as a judge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
+10,000 Jokes