ID: 440
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already.
The bartender says, "If you say you paid I believe you."
The man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't.
The co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill.
The co-worker says, "But I've paid already."
The bartender says, "Well I guess you could of. I believe you."
The co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar.
The friend goes in the bar and drinks alot. The bartender talks to the friend and tells him, "You know, 2 guys came in here earlier claiming they paid. The next guy who tries that is gonna get punched in the face."
The friend says, "Don't bother me with your problems. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
ID: 9722
Bar
A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
ID: 2087
Bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
ID: 4842
Bar
A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted.
During the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it.
When he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window.
However, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get them off of him. A security guard runs up and asks what the heck is going on.
The drunk replies, "I don't know what happened, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
ID: 2013
Bar
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?"
ID: 2885
Bar
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
ID: 348
Bar
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
ID: 2883
Bar
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
ID: 397
Bar
A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him.
To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking.
The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass."
The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look."
The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work.
10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The gang leaves laughing and the man is nowhere to be seen.
Horrified to what he might find he runs into the bathroom and sees the man spread eagle out on the floor with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
The bartender asks, "Are you OK? What did they do??"
The man replies, "Huh? Oh, don't worry. I'm just waiting for a fax."
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