ID: 17502
Bar
Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!"
Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?"
Guest: "Why, filtered, of course."
Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now."
ID: 239
Bar
A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out.
The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.
The next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.
The bartender replies in an angry voice, "What? No beer for me this time?"
The man says, "No way man, you're violent when you drink."
ID: 9527
Bar
Three senators were sitting at the bar and having drinks with each other. The democrat started a conversation of were they liked their wives to be positioned during sex, the democrat said that he likes his wife on top, so he can see all of her. The republican said, "No no no I like my wife on the bottom, she needs to know who the one with the control and dominance is." The independent blurted out, "I prefer my wife out of town."
ID: 11088
Bar
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, He drinks it, and 5 minutes later orders another. This goes on for 2 hours straight, the guy ordering a beer every 5 minutes or so. After 2 hours the guy has had 24 beers and is pretty drunk.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "How did you do that/"
The guy responds, "It's no problem. You just chug 'em back."
Bartender; "Not the drinking part, I mean how did you drink 24 beers without going to the bathroom?"
The guy says, "Depends"
ID: 11948
Bar
So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar.
Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!
ID: 1698
Bar
There was a little guy in a bar drinking his beer, when all of a sudden a big guy comes and knocks him off his stool and says "that was a karate chop from Japan"
The little guy get's back up on his stool again and start's to drink his beer again, when all of a sudden the big guy knock's him of his stool again, and says that was a karate kick from China,
So the little guy get's back up and leave's for a moment then come's back in and goes up to the big guy hits him and knock's him off of his stool out cold.... he then, tell's the bartender "when he gets up to ask me, that was a crowbar from Sears"
ID: 397
Bar
A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him.
To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking.
The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass."
The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look."
The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work.
10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The gang leaves laughing and the man is nowhere to be seen.
Horrified to what he might find he runs into the bathroom and sees the man spread eagle out on the floor with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
The bartender asks, "Are you OK? What did they do??"
The man replies, "Huh? Oh, don't worry. I'm just waiting for a fax."
ID: 7438
Bar
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!
They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!
ID: 7471
Bar
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
+10,000 Jokes