ID: 348
Bar
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
ID: 4447
Bar
A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window.
The white man asks, "Why'd you throw that taco out?" The Mexican replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of those."
Next the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, "Why'd you throw that weed out?" The Cuban replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of that..."
Suddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, "Why'd you throw him out the window?!" The white man answers, "Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those."
ID: 17632
Bar
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"
ID: 6999
Bar
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC !!!!!
ID: 242
Bar
A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back.
Then his wife whispers, "I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted."
The man whispers, "No I haven't, and no I'm not."
The woman replies, "Then where's your wheelchair?"
ID: 2079
Bar
Two ducks walk into a bar...
One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."
ID: 12823
Bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
ID: 1711
Bar
After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.
The first sits down and says, "Hey, Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."
The bartender gives him one.
Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"
The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
ID: 5
Bar
So, this guy walks into a bar.
And says, "ouch".
+10,000 Jokes