ID: 7202
Bar
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerf$%^."
ID: 14482
Bar
Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.
His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."
Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend," and tossed that drink down, too.
"But I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.
Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, "Not any more!"
ID: 14870
Bar
A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk, "Do you live here?" "Yep," replied the drunk. "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" And again the drunk replied, "yep." When they got up on the second floor, the good samaritan asked "Is this your floor?" And once again the drunk replied, "yep."
Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk, "Do you live here?" "Yep," replied the drunk. "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" And agin the drunk replied, "yep." So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
ID: 18162
Bar
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
ID: 16449
Bar
A guy is sitting with a woman at a bar late at night and they are flirting with each other. The lady tells him all about herself and the man sits there listening. After she is done, the man repeats what she said.
"So, you're a 20 year old college graduate from Harvard, a famous fashion model, you love video games and football, you like to do housework, you never complain, you don't own a cell phone, you're a virgin, your parents are dead and they left you loads of money, you have perfect teeth, shiny and smooth hair, no wrinkles or blemishes, you have 2% body fat, you're always willing to have sex, your brother is Peyton Manning, you have a hot bi-sexual roommate, and a 3 story house". She nods her head, "Yup, that's me".
The man squints at her and asks, "Is that pre-op or post-op?"
ID: 883
Bar
Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, "What can I getcha?"
The first vampire replies, "I'll have a pint of blood".
The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood.
The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, "What about you?"
The third vampire says, "I think I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite."
ID: 17642
Bar
"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."
ID: 16036
Bar
Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today.
Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have?
Customer: A clean menu!
ID: 4447
Bar
A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window.
The white man asks, "Why'd you throw that taco out?" The Mexican replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of those."
Next the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, "Why'd you throw that weed out?" The Cuban replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of that..."
Suddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, "Why'd you throw him out the window?!" The white man answers, "Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those."
+10,000 Jokes