ID: 546
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a drink.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so handsome."
He looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so smart and kind."
He looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on.
The bartender says, "O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
ID: 7471
Bar
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
ID: 16958
Bar
A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says, "Sir, you're new, and when you're new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile's sore tooth, then you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can't come to this bar again!"
The newcomers says, "That's ridiculous!" and leaves the bar.
A couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard.
After a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, cries of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised.
Then he goes up to the manager and says, "Okay, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
ID: 15154
Bar
The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
ID: 17427
Bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.
ID: 16035
Bar
Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?
Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
ID: 7506
Bar
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling
on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you
spare a dollar?"
The man thinks about the question for a bit and
asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you
going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No", says the bum.
The man then asks the bum, "If I give you a
dollar are you going to use it to gamble?"
"No", says the bum.
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming
home with me so I can show my wife what happens
to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
ID: 15648
Bar
I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago.
A camel can go eight days without a drink -
but who the hell wants to be a camel.
ID: 2006
Bar
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
+10,000 Jokes