ID: 14482
Bar
Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.
His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."
Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend," and tossed that drink down, too.
"But I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.
Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, "Not any more!"
ID: 2885
Bar
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
ID: 4708
Bar
A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all drinking in a bar. Suddenly, the South African downs the remainder of his drink, tosses his glass in the air, draws his pistol and shoots the glass.
"In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says proudly.
The Australian, who is obviously impressed by this, downs his drink, tosses his glass, draws his gun and shoots the glass.
"In Australia we've got so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says.
The Englishman pauses to give this some thought, then downs his drink, casually tosses his glass into the air, draws his gun, and shoots the South African and the Australian.
"In England we have so many South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice," he says.
ID: 1698
Bar
There was a little guy in a bar drinking his beer, when all of a sudden a big guy comes and knocks him off his stool and says "that was a karate chop from Japan"
The little guy get's back up on his stool again and start's to drink his beer again, when all of a sudden the big guy knock's him of his stool again, and says that was a karate kick from China,
So the little guy get's back up and leave's for a moment then come's back in and goes up to the big guy hits him and knock's him off of his stool out cold.... he then, tell's the bartender "when he gets up to ask me, that was a crowbar from Sears"
ID: 2004
Bar
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
ID: 440
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already.
The bartender says, "If you say you paid I believe you."
The man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't.
The co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill.
The co-worker says, "But I've paid already."
The bartender says, "Well I guess you could of. I believe you."
The co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar.
The friend goes in the bar and drinks alot. The bartender talks to the friend and tells him, "You know, 2 guys came in here earlier claiming they paid. The next guy who tries that is gonna get punched in the face."
The friend says, "Don't bother me with your problems. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
ID: 4447
Bar
A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window.
The white man asks, "Why'd you throw that taco out?" The Mexican replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of those."
Next the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, "Why'd you throw that weed out?" The Cuban replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of that..."
Suddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, "Why'd you throw him out the window?!" The white man answers, "Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those."
ID: 6510
Bar
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger; screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as sober as a judge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
ID: 4976
Bar
An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen
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