ID: 4706
Bar
There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, "your round", the other guy says, "so are you, you fat basted!"
ID: 7438
Bar
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!
They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!
ID: 17502
Bar
Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!"
Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?"
Guest: "Why, filtered, of course."
Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now."
ID: 9720
Bar
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
ID: 10910
Bar
A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?"
Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..."
ID: 8136
Bar
I-rish my beer was full...
ID: 5430
Bar
Two guys are out walking their dogs one day and decide to stop at a bar to get a drink. When they get there, however, there's a sign on the door that says, "No Pets Allowed."
The guys are about to go home when one of them gets an idea. He tells his friend to wait a few minutes and then follow his lead. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his German Shepherd.
The bartender sees him walk in with the dog and says, "Can't you read? No pets allowed in here!"
The guy says, "But I'm blind. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender thinks for a minute and decides to let him stay.
Meanwhile, the friend is watching through the window. He sees the plan work for the first guy so he decides to give it a try himself. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his little chihuahua.
The bartender looks at him and says, "No pets allowed. You're going to have to leave."
"But I'm blind," says the guy. "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Please," says the bartender. "You really expect me to believe that they gave you that little chihuahua as a seeing-eye dog?"
Without missing a beat the guy replies, "They gave me a chihuahua?"
ID: 438
Bar
A pirate walks into a bar and has a seat. The bartender notices the pirates peg-leg, eyepatch and hook for a hand.
The bartender and the pirate start talking and the bartender casually slips in the question of how the pirate lost his leg.
The pirate says, "I fell overboard and a shark bit my leg off."
They talk more and the bartender asks how the pirate got the hook.
The pirate says, "We were boarded by enemy pirates and they cut off my hand before running away.
They talk some more and the bartender finally asks how the pirate got his eyepatch.
The pirate said, "A seagull crapped in my eye."
The bartender says, "Wow! You lost your eye to seagull poo in your eye?"
The pirate says, "Well no... it was my first day with the hook."
ID: 6999
Bar
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC !!!!!
+10,000 Jokes