ID: 239
Bar
A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out.
The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.
The next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.
The bartender replies in an angry voice, "What? No beer for me this time?"
The man says, "No way man, you're violent when you drink."
ID: 883
Bar
Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, "What can I getcha?"
The first vampire replies, "I'll have a pint of blood".
The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood.
The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, "What about you?"
The third vampire says, "I think I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite."
ID: 3659
Bar
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
ID: 397
Bar
A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him.
To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking.
The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass."
The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look."
The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work.
10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The gang leaves laughing and the man is nowhere to be seen.
Horrified to what he might find he runs into the bathroom and sees the man spread eagle out on the floor with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
The bartender asks, "Are you OK? What did they do??"
The man replies, "Huh? Oh, don't worry. I'm just waiting for a fax."
ID: 2005
Bar
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
ID: 241
Bar
2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face.
5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don't care about the other patrons, they are just waiting for him to start up his car. He falls again on his face.
5 more patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk stumbles to his car door and opens it up and sits inside.
6 patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk starts up his car but before he could move the cops are on him sticking a breathalyzer in his face.
He takes the test and passes with blood alcohol level of 0.00. The cops are pissed and asked him what the hell he was doing.
The drunk replies, "I'm the designated decoy."
ID: 347
Bar
There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
ID: 323
Bar
A man walks up to the bartender in a bar and says, "I bet you twenty dollars I can pee into that cup over there." He points to a cup over the bar about 4 feet away. The bartender says sure, positive that the man can't do it and he's about to make 20 bucks. Sure enough, the man ends up peeing all over the bar, anywhere but in the cup. The bartender, laughing, collects twenty dollars. The man is still smiling. Curious, the bartender asks, "You just lost your bet. Why are you smiling?"
"Well," said the man, "I just bet that man over there that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't do anything but laugh."
ID: 4680
Bar
One time there were three guys sitting at a bar. One was stupid, one was pretty smart, and the third was very intelligent. Well, they were sitting at the bar and the pretty smart one says that they should go on a deer hunt.
"I'll go first," says the smart one. Later the man comes back with a big deer. The two other men ask how he got such a deer. "I just followed some tracks, kept on going, then BAM! I found my self a deer!" says the man. So the pretty smart one goes after that. He comes back later and the two men still at the bar asked how he got the deer. He replies the same way the smart man replied. Next goes the stupid one. About thirty minutes passed and he came back looking beat up. The men at the bar rushed over and started to question him how he got his injuries.
"Well," he says, "I followed some tracks, and I looked up and there was this big light. It came rushing toward me, with steam puffing out. Then, before I knew it... BAM!"
+10,000 Jokes