ID: 2025
Bar
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
ID: 2375
Bar
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
ID: 12438
Bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
ID: 16036
Bar
Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today.
Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have?
Customer: A clean menu!
ID: 14482
Bar
Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.
His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."
Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend," and tossed that drink down, too.
"But I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.
Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, "Not any more!"
ID: 16033
Bar
Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
Well, bring me the winner then.
ID: 14877
Bar
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
ID: 17917
Bar
A guy walks into a bar right at the top of the Grand Canyon. Another patron comes up to him and says "did you know the air currents in the canyon are so strong you can jump off and they pull you right back up?"
"What?!" the man said "you must be drunk." "No really, watch this!" and he jumps into the Grand Canyon, and WHOOSH! flies back up.
"That was amazing!" the second man said so the first guy does it again. Finally the second guy decides it really does work and goes for it. He jumps off and splatters on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and the bartender says
"Damn, Superman, you sure are a jerk when you're drunk."
ID: 17366
Bar
So my friend and I were talking (for real this time) at lunch and he told a joke.
Him: So this kid found beer under his brother's bed and before he went to school he drank like 5 bottles and was drunk. Then his teacher asked him what 7+7 was and he was like 302 and the teacher said it was right in a slurred voice.
Then the conversation continues and I tell some of boodler's and Newf's and Drunky's and alex1234's (hey, it's not illegal) and after a while I take a swig of my milk carton, slam it down like a drunk and say 302. My friend was like, "Huh?" then breaks out laughing a belly laugh.
+10,000 Jokes