ID: 6873
Bar
1. You've named that purple elephant that follows you everywhere.
2. Vision Imparment goggles don't change anything.
3. You earn $30 by counting your money again.
4. You use your beer belly as a coffee table.
5. You fly home every night.
6. Your wife keeps telling you not to light the house on fire but you don't listen. What does she know anyway?
7. Your house is fire proofed but you still manage to burn it to the ground.
8. You have a second, third anniversary.
9. The dog is drunk to.
10. No one you see can stop moving.
11. You offer the police officer that pulls you over a cold one.
12. The officer asks you about the vehicle you're pulling, you reply with "whats wrong with towing a boat?" to which he replies "Nothing, but we do require you put it on a trailer."
13. "Could you ask your friends to get out of the boat, sir?"
14. Your designated driver has horrible gas milage... and you wake up broke.
15. Your designated driver drops you off, & when your boss comes out you think your wife is cheating.
16. Then you think he stole your lawn gnomes.
17. And bought you a new car.
18. And you get fired in the morning.
19. You haven't legally driven since you turned 21.
20. Your wife doesn't even care that you're cheating on her.
ID: 15308
Bar
It's forty below zero one winter "night" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
ID: 242
Bar
A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back.
Then his wife whispers, "I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted."
The man whispers, "No I haven't, and no I'm not."
The woman replies, "Then where's your wheelchair?"
ID: 239
Bar
A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out.
The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.
The next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.
The bartender replies in an angry voice, "What? No beer for me this time?"
The man says, "No way man, you're violent when you drink."
ID: 621
Bar
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of
the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you?" asks the puzzled manager.
"Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "My car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".
ID: 398
Bar
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
ID: 440
Bar
A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already.
The bartender says, "If you say you paid I believe you."
The man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't.
The co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill.
The co-worker says, "But I've paid already."
The bartender says, "Well I guess you could of. I believe you."
The co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar.
The friend goes in the bar and drinks alot. The bartender talks to the friend and tells him, "You know, 2 guys came in here earlier claiming they paid. The next guy who tries that is gonna get punched in the face."
The friend says, "Don't bother me with your problems. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
ID: 1359
Bar
Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.
"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Joe replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" Joe replies.
At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
Joe looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
ID: 943
Bar
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom."
"Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
+10,000 Jokes