ID: 10717
Bar
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door, and to his car, and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car, and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
ID: 13107
Bar
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
ID: 8233
Bar
The following actually occured last year in a resturaunt in Redford, Michigan.
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So........There's an empty bar,at the far right a man
walks up, sits down, and orders a ginger ale.
Another guy sits down at the opposite side of the bar a few minutes later and orders a glass of white wine. He says aloud in a quiet voice, "How could our President try to stop gay marriage?"
Then the man at the far right answered, "Because marriage is bettween a man and a women and anyone who disagrees is going to have to change how they feel eventually if they want to go to heaven." (He sips his ginger ale, and puts his head in his hand to support himself.)
"But really why? That seems so biased. It just doesn't seem fair. Why must he do this?"
"Because my God deems such things unlawful, and apparently the President seems to agree with him."
"Really..."(noding his head in an inquisetive way, expecting to be enlightend). He asked, "What else does your God disaprove of?"
"Pork."
ID: 9527
Bar
Three senators were sitting at the bar and having drinks with each other. The democrat started a conversation of were they liked their wives to be positioned during sex, the democrat said that he likes his wife on top, so he can see all of her. The republican said, "No no no I like my wife on the bottom, she needs to know who the one with the control and dominance is." The independent blurted out, "I prefer my wife out of town."
ID: 6999
Bar
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC !!!!!
ID: 13870
Bar
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
ID: 12630
Bar
Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him,
"You can't come in here, you're Bard!"
ID: 7504
Bar
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Geez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s***."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me, would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry, right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*** in her pants."
ID: 13531
Bar
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking.
The good father was able to convince Paddy that, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and could not get that thought out of his mind. He couldn't sleep for a week worrying about the priest's threat and finally said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
+10,000 Jokes