ID: 12884
At Work
William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.
ID: 4561
At Work
A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack.
A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"
ID: 8401
At Work
The blonde teenage girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house.
When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."
ID: 1364
At Work
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he/she keeps cranking out. Well, here it is:
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
ID: 10732
At Work
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
ID: 3213
At Work
10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings)
1. This book is very commonly used
(I also studied from it 40 years ago)
2. It's important to understand what the material means in general
(I'm not good with details)
3. Some might say...
(My guess is...)
4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus
(I don't know the answer to your question)
5. We'll discuss that question next week
(I don't know the answer to your question)
6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out
(I don't know how to spell that word)
7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test
(You all failed)
8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?
(Did any of you review the material as I asked?)
9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups
(I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy)
10. The homework is due on Monday
(Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)
ID: 4584
At Work
I once got hired for a "wonderful" new job! And here is the "wonderful" note I found attached to my "wonderful" first paycheck:
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our new employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23
Ma'am tax $1.23
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Death insurance $12.09
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Truthability $30.30
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $36.21
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Various $8.01
----------------------------
Net Take Home Pay $12.23
I have since moved to the local sweatshop.
ID: 15433
At Work
A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish,
"May Heaven preserve you always."
To the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with,
"May Heaven pickle you, too."
ID: 11896
At Work
Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars.
One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn."
Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort."
The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"
+10,000 Jokes