ID: 15558
At Work
STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.
The following rules shall also apply:
1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip
credits.
2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.
3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.
4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.
5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.
6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.
ID: 10748
At Work
What door cannot be pushed, even by 10 people simultaneously?
The door that says: PULL
ID: 1363
At Work
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
ID: 248
At Work
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
ID: 5685
At Work
An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).
The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.
The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.
However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.
ID: 8083
At Work
The following are questions the answers to I wish I knew:
If one hermaphrodite dates another hermaphrodite, are they gay, straight or bisexual?
Why does the cat always use the litter box right before I need to brush my teeth?
Who is Murphy and what sad life did he lead to have that law named after him?
Why do they keep making things smaller and smaller when all that does is make them easier to lose?
Why are there so many 24%s in my joke recomender?
And why oh why are there so many of these lists?
ID: 9444
At Work
A customer (a middle-aged woman) arrived to have a massage from among the fifteen or so blind masseurs. She came with a side-kick who brought along her things from the office. Approaching the line of masseurs waiting for customers,
Lady - in a voice quite loud as to be overheard "They are good masseurs these blind people, huh?"
Sidekick - "Yes, ma'am"
Lady - "But I heard that the blind who are nearly deaf are the best because they can concentrate more on what they are doing."
Just then a masseur interjected - "Excuse me, ma'am your voice sounds familiar - Do I know you?"
Lady - "No, I don't think so," then excitedly louder, "It is my first time to come here!"
Masseur - "You are correct, ma'am. My name is Homer! How nice of you to remember!"
The lady signalled a thumbs up to her side-kick. Then said "I'll have my massage here!"
ID: 9719
At Work
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.
"All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
ID: 1719
At Work
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
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