ID: 10791
At Work
A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a blisteringly hot day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"
ID: 15875
At Work
I wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes.
I was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE", directly below that sign was another sign that said "NOW HIRING!"
Talk about no job security!
ID: 4584
At Work
I once got hired for a "wonderful" new job! And here is the "wonderful" note I found attached to my "wonderful" first paycheck:
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our new employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23
Ma'am tax $1.23
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Death insurance $12.09
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Truthability $30.30
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $36.21
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Various $8.01
----------------------------
Net Take Home Pay $12.23
I have since moved to the local sweatshop.
ID: 14799
At Work
The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days).
The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).
ID: 16285
At Work
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?"
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
ID: 8229
At Work
A woman is having a problem with her closet door, it was falling off every time a bus was passing by.
So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls off every time a bus passes by.
"OK, I'm going to see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
Just then, the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman: "Well, you're not going to believe it, but I'm waiting for a bus!"
ID: 13567
At Work
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic.
The boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ID: 690
At Work
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
ID: 14598
At Work
Joe: What are you doing?
John: Taxes.
Joe: Why?
John: Because I have to......
Joe: That's stupid. I did mine over a year ago.
+10,000 Jokes