ID: 8730
At Work
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
ID: 17143
At Work
A waitress at a restaurant that David worked at had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. To make matters worse, she'd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, David knew none of this backstory, so you can imagine his surprise when the found a note on the employees' community board saying:
"It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
ID: 15625
At Work
Things not to say to a policeman . . .
- Care for a doughnut?
- Met your quota? Happy now?
- Before you arrest me, maybe Mr. George Washington could change your mind.
- You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
- I want your badge number and your superior officer's name, NOW.
- Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
- Want to race to the station, Sparky?
- I bet your wife really likes these handcuffs?
- Hey, you must' a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far behind I am.
- Let's not forget who pays your salary hare!
- Are you Andy ar Barney?
- Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just happy to see me?
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- You fascists always pick on us criminals.
- Oh God. It's about the body, isn't it?
- Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
- You're gonna have to speak up. This is my favorite song.
- Thanks, officer! The cop yesterday only gave me a warning, too!
- What seems to be the officer problem?
ID: 15226
At Work
Salary Increase
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
ID: 15129
At Work
A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.
After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.
"It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
ID: 3737
At Work
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
ID: 36
At Work
Jim is in a hot-air balloon, completely lost. He sees a man in a field below and flies down to him.
"Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where I am?"
The man in the field replied "You're in a balloon."
Jim said "You're an engineer, aren't you?"
"Why yes, I am. How did you know?"
"Because you gave me a perfectly logical, yet completely useless answer."
Jim continued flying, when he saw another man in a field. "Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me where I am?" he asked.
"Well, you're about two miles north of Ogdenville. If you go to the west side of town you'll find an airstrip that you can safely land on."
Jim replied "Thank you very much, sir. That was extremely helpful. Say, I'll bet you're a manager, aren't you?"
"Why yes, I am, how did you know?"
"Because your pants are on backward".
ID: 15702
At Work
Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, "I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."
Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey, boys, whacha sellin'?" One businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"
ID: 122
At Work
TWO POINT GAGS
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
+10,000 Jokes