ID: 9444
At Work
A customer (a middle-aged woman) arrived to have a massage from among the fifteen or so blind masseurs. She came with a side-kick who brought along her things from the office. Approaching the line of masseurs waiting for customers,
Lady - in a voice quite loud as to be overheard "They are good masseurs these blind people, huh?"
Sidekick - "Yes, ma'am"
Lady - "But I heard that the blind who are nearly deaf are the best because they can concentrate more on what they are doing."
Just then a masseur interjected - "Excuse me, ma'am your voice sounds familiar - Do I know you?"
Lady - "No, I don't think so," then excitedly louder, "It is my first time to come here!"
Masseur - "You are correct, ma'am. My name is Homer! How nice of you to remember!"
The lady signalled a thumbs up to her side-kick. Then said "I'll have my massage here!"
ID: 6904
At Work
Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 1920
1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.
6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.
7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.
8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.
11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.
14. Do not trust altitude instruments.
15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.
16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.
17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.
18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.
19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.
20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.
21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.
22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.
23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.
24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it's controls and instruments.
25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.
ID: 14840
At Work
Buy company, fire them.
Beware of machine guns.
ID: 3211
At Work
A guy eats at a restaurant.
At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:
Salads . . . . . . $3
Steak . . . . . . $10
Works . . . . . . .$5
Cola . . . . . . . $2
-----------------------
Total $20
The customer asked the waiter "What's 'works'?"
"This time it didn't work" said the waiter and crossed out that row.
ID: 12586
At Work
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza man: I don't think so.
** Click **
ID: 68
At Work
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me an fucking cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,
"You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back,
"And do you know who YOU are fucking talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Thanks for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
ID: 13565
At Work
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
ID: 12906
At Work
(To fully enjoy this joke, please read the Wocka jokes entittled:
December 1st
December 2nd
Enjoy!)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3rd
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of "Alcoholics Anonymous" requesting a non-drinking table - you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchangements are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED!!!
Patty
(Continuation Wocka joke:
December 7th.)
ID: 13567
At Work
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic.
The boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
+10,000 Jokes