ID: 58
At Work
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one
generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
8. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby
deducting its full original cost.
12. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
13. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
ID: 10788
At Work
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest.
I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
ID: 3211
At Work
A guy eats at a restaurant.
At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:
Salads . . . . . . $3
Steak . . . . . . $10
Works . . . . . . .$5
Cola . . . . . . . $2
-----------------------
Total $20
The customer asked the waiter "What's 'works'?"
"This time it didn't work" said the waiter and crossed out that row.
ID: 10732
At Work
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
ID: 1276
At Work
As an architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car, a surgeon, waiting for his own car to be repaired, walked over. They introduced themselves, and began talking about their lines of work.
"You know," said the architect, "I sometimes believe a mechanic's work is as complicated as the work that we do."
"Perhaps," the surgeon commented. "But let's see him do it with the engine running."
ID: 9620
At Work
Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, he returned to the office and said, - "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."
ID: 14727
At Work
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
ID: 9633
At Work
The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
ID: 15222
At Work
Pick A Power Word
The manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. "Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Janet humbly replied. "Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?"
"There is an old trick I can tell you about," the manager said. "It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Janet's sales figures improved, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
"Yes," Janet nodded. "It took me an entire weekend to find just the right word, but I did ... 'Fantastic'."
"'Fantastic'. What an excellent word," the manager said encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class. I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $450 worth of clothing."
"My next customer," Janet continued, "told me she was in charge of the Spring Ball at the country club and needed a new formal dress. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Janet," complimented the manager. "Out of curiosity, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
"I used to say, 'Who gives a shit!" Janet replied with a shrug.
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