ID: 4319
At Work
Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it.
Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said: "You're not going down there by yourself at this hour."
Just as I was thinking: "How thoughtful of him", he added, "Better take the dog with you."
ID: 15357
At Work
As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn.
As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn.
What do you do?
I would get the flock out of there!
ID: 10904
At Work
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
ID: 264
At Work
In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And darkness was upon the faces of the workers
And they spake unto their Group Heads, and sayeth:
"It is a crock, and it stinketh!"
And the Group Heads went unto their Section Heads, and sayeth:
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."
And the Section Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went to their Director, and sayeth unto him:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Director went unto his Vice-President, and sayeth:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Vice-President went unto the President, and sayeth unto him:
"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful."
And the President went unto the Chairman of the Board and sayeth unto him:
"This powerful new Plan will actively promote growth and the efficiency of the Company."
And the Chairman looked upon the Plan
And saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
-source unknown
ID: 13458
At Work
Bill Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6.00 a.m. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job.
After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Bill decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and wonders again why he can't find a good paying job in America.
ID: 12093
At Work
A woman just got a new job and her co-workers told her her first assignment: to fire the janitor, Don. The woman was very nervous about doing this, so she decided to get it over with fast. She marched up with her head down and said to the man, "I'm sorry, but you're fired!" Her co-workers who were watching suddenly started laughing out loud. She looked at the man she fired and he said, "I don't think you have the right to fire you boss!!!"
ID: 1247
At Work
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week."
The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, " Pizza delivery guy"
ID: 13345
At Work
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."
Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
ID: 13805
At Work
1. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weathers. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.
2. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.
3. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly.
4. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.
5. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.
6. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows, balloons and other diagrams.
7. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you during the day.
8. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages.
9. Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.
+10,000 Jokes