ID: 1239
At Work
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
ID: 16783
At Work
Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid.
ID: 9292
At Work
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
ID: 13350
At Work
Quotes from Officer Fitness Reports:
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
ID: 11028
At Work
A Director said to the actress: "You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool."
Actress: "But I dont know how to swim."
Director: "I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool."
ID: 12905
At Work
(To understand this joke you should read the Wocka joke entitled:
December 1st.
Enjoy.)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2nd
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your families.
Patty
(Continuation Wocka Joke entitled:
December 3rd.)
ID: 10146
At Work
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
ID: 3744
At Work
Harry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"
ID: 9796
At Work
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road, when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "that will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
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