ID: 11283
At Work
Waiter, why is my food all mushed up?
-Well, you did ask me to step on it.
Waiter, these eggs are bad.
-Don't blame me. I only laid the table.
Waiter, is there soup on my menu?
-No, I wiped it off.
ID: 2466
At Work
If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair (for those men out there, this is hair removal cream) and your Nair with Rogaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.*******
And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in the next 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone .....
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke
ID: 16334
At Work
One day Jack's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son, why are you late from school?" Jack answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today."
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.
His dad told him that the robot was special in that it could detect a lie, and would then slap the person who lied.
"Now, come on, tell me the truth. Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to see a movie."
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments."
Splat, Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No, Dad, honest I went to see the movie Sex Queen."
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never used to do such terrible things."
Splat, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,
"After all, he is your son, he will be like you."
The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mother's face.
ID: 16977
At Work
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
ID: 13458
At Work
Bill Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6.00 a.m. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job.
After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Bill decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and wonders again why he can't find a good paying job in America.
ID: 15688
At Work
A new intern at Heart & Cross Hospital was looking for an experienced doctor to sign off on him sending a patient to surgery. He saw a nicely tanned man giving orders to someone else so he walked up to him. "Could you sign this for me?" he asked.
The man signed the sheet and the intern thanked him and walked away. The next day, the intern walked into the hospital and was informed by the security that he had been fired. The intern asked why, and the security guard told him that he had sent a patient to surgery without having a doctor sign off on it. "Yes, I did, I had him sign it," pointing to the man who he had sign the sheet and who was now mopping the floors. "Him?" asked the security guard. "That's Jorge the nicely tanned head-janitor."
ID: 998
At Work
I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.
ID: 264
At Work
In the beginning was the Plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And darkness was upon the faces of the workers
And they spake unto their Group Heads, and sayeth:
"It is a crock, and it stinketh!"
And the Group Heads went unto their Section Heads, and sayeth:
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."
And the Section Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went to their Director, and sayeth unto him:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Director went unto his Vice-President, and sayeth:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Vice-President went unto the President, and sayeth unto him:
"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful."
And the President went unto the Chairman of the Board and sayeth unto him:
"This powerful new Plan will actively promote growth and the efficiency of the Company."
And the Chairman looked upon the Plan
And saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
-source unknown
ID: 18191
At Work
(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)
Me: "Can I help you?"
Customer: "Gimme all the f***ing medicine!"
(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)
Me: "The pharmacy is in the back of the store."
Customer: "Oh...okay."
(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)
Manager: "Who was that?"
Me: "Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy."
Manager: "Why didn't you call the police?"
(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)
Me: "Doug started working today."
+10,000 Jokes