ID: 248
At Work
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
ID: 5894
At Work
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ID: 11896
At Work
Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars.
One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn."
Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort."
The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"
ID: 5760
At Work
Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
ID: 13776
At Work
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,â? the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
ID: 5690
At Work
A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"
ID: 13458
At Work
Bill Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6.00 a.m. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job.
After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Bill decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and wonders again why he can't find a good paying job in America.
ID: 11714
At Work
Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, "I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?" Einstein agreed.
When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur's uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.
He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.
The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, "Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"
ID: 14917
At Work
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
+10,000 Jokes