ID: 3338
At Work
Using the following list will most certainly keep your afternoons free and enable you to watch those cool Oprah and Sally shows.
When filling out the job application form, under the heading 'Sex', instead of writing male or female, write in, "Not nearly enough, but I'm trying!"
In the same form under the heading 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?' answer, "Not yet."
Show up late for the interview and try to rationalize it by saying, "My mom forgot to wake me again." This is in especially bad taste if you happen to be in your forties or older.
When meeting the interviewer for the first time, shake his hand and say: "You look familiar. I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere. Weren't you in the cell next to mine at Sing Sing?"
Tell the employer you will need a salary of at least $40k because the price of cocaine has gone up.
When asked why you left your last job, say: "Ah, well, my employer died under mysterious circumstances and like I told the police when they brought me in for questioning, I was home alone sleeping at the time."
Ask the employer how close your office will be to the bathroom, explaining how you picked up a highly contagious worm while traveling abroad and now you just can't seem to get rid of it.
Ask the employer what his thoughts are on recreational pot smoking in the employee's lounge.
Tell the employer you won't be able to start for five to ten years because you are going on a little vacation.
After the interview, call the employer at home at 3 a.m. and ask if he/she has made a decision yet on whom to hire.
ID: 7946
At Work
I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and all its software, I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam.
I love this Work, I love these Chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men. The men who've come to visit today, In those lovely white coats to take me away!!
ID: 16285
At Work
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?"
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
ID: 18193
At Work
Employee: *making out a rain check* "Okay, so I'm just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item."
Nice customer: "Okay, thanks."
Angry customer: "Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!"
Employee: "Sir, please don't be abusive, I'm just checking our other loc-"
Angry customer: "I don't care! DO YOUR JOB!"
(At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.)
(The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)
ID: 13477
At Work
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs.Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every day. I couldn't work under those conditions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
My goal is to be a meteorologist, but since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
ID: 15797
At Work
A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.
The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it."
The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.
"Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet."
They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.
"Yeller cedar. 242 board feet."
The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy.
He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, "See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it." The foreman thought, "How could he know which is the front of a tree?"
The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure."
The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, "Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?"
The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
ID: 4158
At Work
Just in case you've had a rough day at work, here's a technique recommended in all the
latest psychological texts.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater...your boss...
ID: 1946
At Work
This is an actual job application!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
ID: 15449
At Work
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is asked to make a statement. "Okay, Phillips," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Fred Wilson was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir."
"Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room! I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
+10,000 Jokes