ID: 13391
At Work
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
ID: 12952
At Work
Did they mean these ads to read as they do?
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
ID: 12843
At Work
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
ID: 12538
At Work
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
ID: 12101
At Work
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, except one girl, laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
ID: 15558
At Work
STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.
The following rules shall also apply:
1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip
credits.
2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.
3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.
4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.
5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.
6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.
ID: 15357
At Work
As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn.
As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn.
What do you do?
I would get the flock out of there!
ID: 11183
At Work
TRUE STORY
My first job was working in an office at my cubicle. Unfortunately, they put me on the floor with a bunch of pranksters.
While I was doing my work, I saw one a co-worker with a funnel down his pants, trying to catch a coin with it, for fun. He would throw the coin in the air, and then catch it with the funnel. I found this very interesting, so when it was lunch break, I asked them if I could try it. The co-worker handed me a funnel and coin, and told me to put the funnel down my pants, and down my underpants if I wanted.
I put it down my pants, and started playing. I caught the coin a couple of times, and I continued for a while. The co-worker left to get cold water to drink, and when he came back to me, he accidentally tripped and fell, purposely putting the cup into the funnel, which travelled down to my underwear. He began laughing really hard, because my it looked like I'd peed myself.
I had to work like that for the rest of the day, and everyone got their little laugh throughout that time.
ID: 3801
At Work
This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit!"
+10,000 Jokes