ID: 13776
At Work
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,â? the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
ID: 1247
At Work
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week."
The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, " Pizza delivery guy"
ID: 8730
At Work
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
ID: 3564
At Work
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.
"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.
"You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
"You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"
ID: 8406
At Work
Job Interview Quotations:
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
An interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
A candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
A candidate explained that one of her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
A candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
An applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
A candidate brought large dog to interview.
An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
A candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process.
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
I think I'm going to throw up.
ID: 1278
At Work
The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
ID: 473
At Work
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, is never
lazy. He's always
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob is always
working independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees.
He is great.
His assignments are always
on time, never
late.
You should hire him.
Often, Bob skips
his coffee breaks to compelte his
work.
He has worked dillegently.
Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as worthy employee, and cannot be
dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be
promoted, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
KEEP READING...
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
Regards,
Project Leader
ID: 9331
At Work
New Office Slang
==============================
404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking John. He's 404."
Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek."
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"
Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"
Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!" (Synonym: "Head Crash")
Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. "After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him."
Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. "I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "First we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM."
Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.
Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!"
CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. "Damn, I've been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own name.
Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year"
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"
Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?"
Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages
GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.
Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour."
High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD
Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
It's a Feature - From the old adage, "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards.
Link Rot - The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.
Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"
Mouse Potato - The online generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you've just made a terrible error.
Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Perot - To quit unexpectedly. "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't require training. "That new guy is totally plug-and-play."
Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.
Ribs 'N' Dick - A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. "God, today was a total salmon day!"
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also "Hollywired"
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. "Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage"
Square-Headed Spouse - Computer
Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.
Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. "There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, "this is Dale, my...um...friend."
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.
World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.
Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
ID: 9620
At Work
Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, he returned to the office and said, - "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."
+10,000 Jokes