ID: 3211
At Work
A guy eats at a restaurant.
At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:
Salads . . . . . . $3
Steak . . . . . . $10
Works . . . . . . .$5
Cola . . . . . . . $2
-----------------------
Total $20
The customer asked the waiter "What's 'works'?"
"This time it didn't work" said the waiter and crossed out that row.
ID: 15226
At Work
Salary Increase
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
ID: 3401
At Work
For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units ....
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels? =1 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision
ID: 16285
At Work
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?"
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
ID: 16452
At Work
A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!"
His wife said, "$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?"
He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"
ID: 2466
At Work
If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair (for those men out there, this is hair removal cream) and your Nair with Rogaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.*******
And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in the next 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone .....
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke
ID: 15315
At Work
A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
ID: 18192
At Work
(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)
Me: "Did you find everything you needed tonight?"
Customer: "Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on."
Me: "Thank you, ma'am."
Customer: "But don't you think you took it a little too far?"
Me: "Uh... took what too far?"
Customer: "Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?"
Me: "Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that."
Customer: *loudly* "Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that's just fine with me... but they shouldn't be letting you wear that here in a public place!"
Me: *sarcastically* "Well, why shouldn't they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I'm the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we're gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn."
Customer, to one of my managers: "Aren't you going to do anything about what she said to me?"
Manager #1: "Yes, ma'am. As soon as you leave, we're going to close the store."
Customer: "THAT'S IT?!"
Manager #2: "Of course not, ma'am. You heard the rest of our... plans."
(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)
ID: 17852
At Work
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . .
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world."
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There! See? It really does work . . . You're smiling already.
+10,000 Jokes