ID: 13299
At Work
A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
"Do you have any military experience?"
The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."
"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"
The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."
The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am."
"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."
The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."
ID: 10569
At Work
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
ID: 3587
At Work
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
ID: 12905
At Work
(To understand this joke you should read the Wocka joke entitled:
December 1st.
Enjoy.)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2nd
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your families.
Patty
(Continuation Wocka Joke entitled:
December 3rd.)
ID: 13345
At Work
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."
Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
ID: 1250
At Work
The following are quotes made by real police officers:
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"No, sir, we don't have quotas any more. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Life's tough; it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
ID: 9796
At Work
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road, when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "that will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
ID: 8238
At Work
Quasimodo, the bell-ringer for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, goes to the cardinal. "Cardinal, I'm getting pretty old and I'd like to retire, and live the rest of my life peacefully." The cardinal says, "That's fine Quasi, we'll just let the town crier know so he can put out the call to find a new bell-ringer." The cardinal does this, and both he and Quasimodo hear the town crier announcing the job opening.
After about three weeks, they are shocked because they haven't had anyone come for the job opening. The cardinal and Quasimodo are down on the steps talking, "Quasi," said the cardinal, "I'm sorry to say this but I can't let you go retire. We don't have anyone to ring the bells if you go. We'll keep the job offer open to anyone, but no one seems to want to do it." As he was speaking, an armless man runs up, and out of breath says, "I'm --- here about --- the bell -- ringing job. Is it still --- available?" The cardinal looks to Quasimodo and says, "Hey, it's your choice to try him out." Quasimodo nods his shoulders and leads the man up to the bell tower.
As they arrive on the platform, Quasimodo explains to the man how the job works. "Well, you take this large rope here and pull on it really hard, which moves the bell, causing the clapper inside the bell to hit the sides and make it ring. As you can well guess, we pull the rope once for each hour. It's almost three 'o' clock now, so I'll ring the bell the first time, and you have to ring it the second time." He looks out the window, watches the sun for a moment, then goes over and pulls the bell rope. *CLANG* the bell rings. "Ok, you're turn."
The armless man goes over to the rope and tries to get a good pull on it by grabbing it with his shoulder and head, pulling it with his teeth, stepping on the rope all to no avail. "Come on man, it was only 1 'o' clock two hours ago, we gotta get this bell rung." The man, obviously flustered, looks around. He then takes about ten steps away from the bell and leans forward. Then, as fast as his legs can carry him, he charges at the bell. *CLANG* the bell rings from the man's head hitting the bell. Quasimodo cringes as the man stumbles around for a moment. "Sorry to have to say this, but you have to ring that bell one more time," says Quasimodo. The man stumbles around for another moment and then steps back, and runs at the bell again. *CLANG* the bell goes off again. Right as Quasimodo is about to tell the guy "Good Job", the man, still dazed, stumbles around and falls out the window, all the way to the steps of the cathedral below, dying instantly.
The cardinal runs out to the man's body, turns around and looks at the window the man fell from, and Quasimodo is now leaning out of. "Quasimodo, get your ass down here NOW!" he yells. Quasimodo runs down to the front of the cathedral, and in front of the enraged cardinal. "Quasi, I thought we fixed the problem we had before and you promised you weren't going to throw people from the bell tower. What the hell happened?!?" Quasimodo explains the story to him. The cardinal then says, "Well, we should let his family know about this. Did he tell you his name, where he lived, anything?"
Quasimodo answers him, "No, we never even mentioned his name or where he was from. I don't know anything about him, but his face sure rings a bell."
ID: 998
At Work
I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.
+10,000 Jokes