ID: 10783
At Work
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
ID: 1276
At Work
As an architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car, a surgeon, waiting for his own car to be repaired, walked over. They introduced themselves, and began talking about their lines of work.
"You know," said the architect, "I sometimes believe a mechanic's work is as complicated as the work that we do."
"Perhaps," the surgeon commented. "But let's see him do it with the engine running."
ID: 9292
At Work
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
ID: 12843
At Work
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
ID: 11648
At Work
A man was filling out a job application form.
Whe he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote "No."
Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered "Yes", he wrote "Never been caught."
=======================================
A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people.
One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, "Mr. Johnson!"
Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself.
The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him.
He says, "Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did not fill out where you received your education. Where did you receive your financial education?" Jim replies, "Yale."
"Excellent," says the manager. "You're hired. Now that you're working for us, what would you prefer to be called?"
Jim says, "I don't care - Yim, or Mr Yohnson."
ID: 13475
At Work
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.) "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared and he said, "You know, I always wondered about that."
ID: 35
At Work
Economic times were very bad, so the plant owner had a difficult time finding people to work in his new factory. In an act of desperation, he hired a tribe of cannibals. At their orientation he made it very clear that he would not tolerate any acts of cannibalism in the plant.
Three months went by without incident, when all of a sudden a secretary disappeared without a trace.
The manager rounded up all of the cannibals.
"If I find out that one of you ate the secretary," he said, "I'm going to fire all of you!" and with that, stormed out of the room.
After he left the room, one of the cannibals stood up and said, "This is a disgrace! For months we've been eating managers and no one has even noticed! Which one of you fools ate a secretary?!"
ID: 13299
At Work
A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
"Do you have any military experience?"
The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."
"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"
The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."
The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am."
"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."
The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."
ID: 3238
At Work
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope to the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. I slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.
+10,000 Jokes