ID: 3564
At Work
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.
"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.
"You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
"You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"
ID: 11651
At Work
Confucius asks:
"If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"
ID: 171
At Work
This Story is true! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had written the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, "Hello," I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great," I thought, "she's finally leaving." All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number, then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jackass!" and I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's you name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
ID: 7946
At Work
I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and all its software, I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam.
I love this Work, I love these Chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men. The men who've come to visit today, In those lovely white coats to take me away!!
ID: 15688
At Work
A new intern at Heart & Cross Hospital was looking for an experienced doctor to sign off on him sending a patient to surgery. He saw a nicely tanned man giving orders to someone else so he walked up to him. "Could you sign this for me?" he asked.
The man signed the sheet and the intern thanked him and walked away. The next day, the intern walked into the hospital and was informed by the security that he had been fired. The intern asked why, and the security guard told him that he had sent a patient to surgery without having a doctor sign off on it. "Yes, I did, I had him sign it," pointing to the man who he had sign the sheet and who was now mopping the floors. "Him?" asked the security guard. "That's Jorge the nicely tanned head-janitor."
ID: 16615
At Work
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
ID: 12871
At Work
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's all right," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location'," was the reply.
ID: 856
At Work
Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.
ID: 15216
At Work
Lemon Grove
A woman was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove.
When the foreman looked over her application, he felt she was far too qualified for the job.
"Look, Miss Carter," said the foreman, "do you have any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Oh, yes, I certainly do," she replied. "I've been divorced four times."
+10,000 Jokes