ID: 17318
At Work
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money some day.
He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there, and look at that huge yacht out there - that's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," his friend said, "why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
ID: 8238
At Work
Quasimodo, the bell-ringer for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, goes to the cardinal. "Cardinal, I'm getting pretty old and I'd like to retire, and live the rest of my life peacefully." The cardinal says, "That's fine Quasi, we'll just let the town crier know so he can put out the call to find a new bell-ringer." The cardinal does this, and both he and Quasimodo hear the town crier announcing the job opening.
After about three weeks, they are shocked because they haven't had anyone come for the job opening. The cardinal and Quasimodo are down on the steps talking, "Quasi," said the cardinal, "I'm sorry to say this but I can't let you go retire. We don't have anyone to ring the bells if you go. We'll keep the job offer open to anyone, but no one seems to want to do it." As he was speaking, an armless man runs up, and out of breath says, "I'm --- here about --- the bell -- ringing job. Is it still --- available?" The cardinal looks to Quasimodo and says, "Hey, it's your choice to try him out." Quasimodo nods his shoulders and leads the man up to the bell tower.
As they arrive on the platform, Quasimodo explains to the man how the job works. "Well, you take this large rope here and pull on it really hard, which moves the bell, causing the clapper inside the bell to hit the sides and make it ring. As you can well guess, we pull the rope once for each hour. It's almost three 'o' clock now, so I'll ring the bell the first time, and you have to ring it the second time." He looks out the window, watches the sun for a moment, then goes over and pulls the bell rope. *CLANG* the bell rings. "Ok, you're turn."
The armless man goes over to the rope and tries to get a good pull on it by grabbing it with his shoulder and head, pulling it with his teeth, stepping on the rope all to no avail. "Come on man, it was only 1 'o' clock two hours ago, we gotta get this bell rung." The man, obviously flustered, looks around. He then takes about ten steps away from the bell and leans forward. Then, as fast as his legs can carry him, he charges at the bell. *CLANG* the bell rings from the man's head hitting the bell. Quasimodo cringes as the man stumbles around for a moment. "Sorry to have to say this, but you have to ring that bell one more time," says Quasimodo. The man stumbles around for another moment and then steps back, and runs at the bell again. *CLANG* the bell goes off again. Right as Quasimodo is about to tell the guy "Good Job", the man, still dazed, stumbles around and falls out the window, all the way to the steps of the cathedral below, dying instantly.
The cardinal runs out to the man's body, turns around and looks at the window the man fell from, and Quasimodo is now leaning out of. "Quasimodo, get your ass down here NOW!" he yells. Quasimodo runs down to the front of the cathedral, and in front of the enraged cardinal. "Quasi, I thought we fixed the problem we had before and you promised you weren't going to throw people from the bell tower. What the hell happened?!?" Quasimodo explains the story to him. The cardinal then says, "Well, we should let his family know about this. Did he tell you his name, where he lived, anything?"
Quasimodo answers him, "No, we never even mentioned his name or where he was from. I don't know anything about him, but his face sure rings a bell."
ID: 9331
At Work
New Office Slang
==============================
404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking John. He's 404."
Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek."
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling"
Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"
Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!" (Synonym: "Head Crash")
Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. "After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him."
Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. "I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "First we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM."
Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.
Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!"
CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. "Damn, I've been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own name.
Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year"
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"
Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?"
Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages
GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.
Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour."
High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD
Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
It's a Feature - From the old adage, "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards.
Link Rot - The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.
Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"
Mouse Potato - The online generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you've just made a terrible error.
Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Perot - To quit unexpectedly. "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't require training. "That new guy is totally plug-and-play."
Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.
Ribs 'N' Dick - A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. "God, today was a total salmon day!"
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also "Hollywired"
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. "Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage"
Square-Headed Spouse - Computer
Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.
Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. "There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, "this is Dale, my...um...friend."
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.
World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.
Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
ID: 10748
At Work
What door cannot be pushed, even by 10 people simultaneously?
The door that says: PULL
ID: 15702
At Work
Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, "I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."
Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey, boys, whacha sellin'?" One businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"
ID: 9767
At Work
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
ID: 14990
At Work
This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.
A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the back of the store and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating.
Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber *makes the sale* to the second customer and he leaves as well.
The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in sight *without* gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.
The day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else!
He had to turn himself in that same day.
ID: 10811
At Work
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
ID: 15748
At Work
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
+10,000 Jokes