ID: 16334
At Work
One day Jack's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son, why are you late from school?" Jack answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today."
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.
His dad told him that the robot was special in that it could detect a lie, and would then slap the person who lied.
"Now, come on, tell me the truth. Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to see a movie."
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments."
Splat, Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No, Dad, honest I went to see the movie Sex Queen."
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never used to do such terrible things."
Splat, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,
"After all, he is your son, he will be like you."
The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mother's face.
ID: 15702
At Work
Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, "I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."
Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey, boys, whacha sellin'?" One businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"
ID: 17144
At Work
Real headline:
"Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"
ID: 2054
At Work
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
ID: 15129
At Work
A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.
After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.
"It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
ID: 5333
At Work
The accountant's prayer:
"Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."
ID: 35
At Work
Economic times were very bad, so the plant owner had a difficult time finding people to work in his new factory. In an act of desperation, he hired a tribe of cannibals. At their orientation he made it very clear that he would not tolerate any acts of cannibalism in the plant.
Three months went by without incident, when all of a sudden a secretary disappeared without a trace.
The manager rounded up all of the cannibals.
"If I find out that one of you ate the secretary," he said, "I'm going to fire all of you!" and with that, stormed out of the room.
After he left the room, one of the cannibals stood up and said, "This is a disgrace! For months we've been eating managers and no one has even noticed! Which one of you fools ate a secretary?!"
ID: 15625
At Work
Things not to say to a policeman . . .
- Care for a doughnut?
- Met your quota? Happy now?
- Before you arrest me, maybe Mr. George Washington could change your mind.
- You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
- I want your badge number and your superior officer's name, NOW.
- Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
- Want to race to the station, Sparky?
- I bet your wife really likes these handcuffs?
- Hey, you must' a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far behind I am.
- Let's not forget who pays your salary hare!
- Are you Andy ar Barney?
- Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just happy to see me?
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- You fascists always pick on us criminals.
- Oh God. It's about the body, isn't it?
- Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
- You're gonna have to speak up. This is my favorite song.
- Thanks, officer! The cop yesterday only gave me a warning, too!
- What seems to be the officer problem?
ID: 15367
At Work
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
+10,000 Jokes