ID: 8238
At Work
Quasimodo, the bell-ringer for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, goes to the cardinal. "Cardinal, I'm getting pretty old and I'd like to retire, and live the rest of my life peacefully." The cardinal says, "That's fine Quasi, we'll just let the town crier know so he can put out the call to find a new bell-ringer." The cardinal does this, and both he and Quasimodo hear the town crier announcing the job opening.
After about three weeks, they are shocked because they haven't had anyone come for the job opening. The cardinal and Quasimodo are down on the steps talking, "Quasi," said the cardinal, "I'm sorry to say this but I can't let you go retire. We don't have anyone to ring the bells if you go. We'll keep the job offer open to anyone, but no one seems to want to do it." As he was speaking, an armless man runs up, and out of breath says, "I'm --- here about --- the bell -- ringing job. Is it still --- available?" The cardinal looks to Quasimodo and says, "Hey, it's your choice to try him out." Quasimodo nods his shoulders and leads the man up to the bell tower.
As they arrive on the platform, Quasimodo explains to the man how the job works. "Well, you take this large rope here and pull on it really hard, which moves the bell, causing the clapper inside the bell to hit the sides and make it ring. As you can well guess, we pull the rope once for each hour. It's almost three 'o' clock now, so I'll ring the bell the first time, and you have to ring it the second time." He looks out the window, watches the sun for a moment, then goes over and pulls the bell rope. *CLANG* the bell rings. "Ok, you're turn."
The armless man goes over to the rope and tries to get a good pull on it by grabbing it with his shoulder and head, pulling it with his teeth, stepping on the rope all to no avail. "Come on man, it was only 1 'o' clock two hours ago, we gotta get this bell rung." The man, obviously flustered, looks around. He then takes about ten steps away from the bell and leans forward. Then, as fast as his legs can carry him, he charges at the bell. *CLANG* the bell rings from the man's head hitting the bell. Quasimodo cringes as the man stumbles around for a moment. "Sorry to have to say this, but you have to ring that bell one more time," says Quasimodo. The man stumbles around for another moment and then steps back, and runs at the bell again. *CLANG* the bell goes off again. Right as Quasimodo is about to tell the guy "Good Job", the man, still dazed, stumbles around and falls out the window, all the way to the steps of the cathedral below, dying instantly.
The cardinal runs out to the man's body, turns around and looks at the window the man fell from, and Quasimodo is now leaning out of. "Quasimodo, get your ass down here NOW!" he yells. Quasimodo runs down to the front of the cathedral, and in front of the enraged cardinal. "Quasi, I thought we fixed the problem we had before and you promised you weren't going to throw people from the bell tower. What the hell happened?!?" Quasimodo explains the story to him. The cardinal then says, "Well, we should let his family know about this. Did he tell you his name, where he lived, anything?"
Quasimodo answers him, "No, we never even mentioned his name or where he was from. I don't know anything about him, but his face sure rings a bell."
ID: 5943
At Work
A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the recent Southern California fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blazes.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level.
So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
ID: 1033
At Work
A man is driving along an old dirt road when he sees this giant mud hole, but, he is not quick enough to swerve and avoid it. He climbs out of his car and walks along the road until he reaches a farm house.
He goes in and asks the farmer to help him out of the hole. The farmer agrees and between the two of them they get the car out in about 15 minutes. The man offers to pay the farmer and asks how much he should give.
The farmer says, "$200 should cover it because it took me a whole day." The man gets angry and shouts, "All day! It hardly took you 15 minutes." The farmer says, "Yea, but I had to fill the hole with mud too."
ID: 3668
At Work
New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He assumed they were turning some unreported revenues somewhere, and was determined to find it.
He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new candles.
"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the IRS auditor.
"Simple," the Rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal."
All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?"
"That's easy too," said the Rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC and they send us back little pricks like you."
ID: 3836
At Work
We've just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time
ID: 6209
At Work
I studied and studied and came up with a conclusion
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
ID: 1946
At Work
This is an actual job application!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
ID: 7415
At Work
What crackers do firemen like in their soup?
Firecrackers!
ID: 8083
At Work
The following are questions the answers to I wish I knew:
If one hermaphrodite dates another hermaphrodite, are they gay, straight or bisexual?
Why does the cat always use the litter box right before I need to brush my teeth?
Who is Murphy and what sad life did he lead to have that law named after him?
Why do they keep making things smaller and smaller when all that does is make them easier to lose?
Why are there so many 24%s in my joke recomender?
And why oh why are there so many of these lists?
+10,000 Jokes