ID: 11983
At Work
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. "...in Jesus' name. Amen."
ID: 13799
At Work
This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to Darwin. He's not too keen on this, but he needs the money and so takes off.
A while along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in the middle of nowhere, so he stops and asks if they would like a lift. They say OK. The truck driver says, "All right, hop in, but you'll have to ride in the back."
A 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other things, involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where he is off to and he says, "Darwin".
The cops go round the back, open the doors, slam them shut quickly and rush round desperately to the driver, saying, "For Chrissake get going to Darwin straight away, and don't stop - two of your eggs have already hatched, and one of them has stolen a bike!"
ID: 7535
At Work
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
ID: 9620
At Work
Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, he returned to the office and said, - "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."
ID: 5867
At Work
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE!
I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.
ID: 5932
At Work
Many authors are disputing who wrote the Shakespeare plays. They each say they did. In their arguing, they decide to try and prove who wrote it by first showing Shakespeare's work, then theirs.
Shakespeare version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful.
Jack London's version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
You're as wise as the snowy owl and as beautiful as the clear night sky with fresh white snow under the Northern lights.
Dr. Seuss' version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
You're as attractive as green eggs on a plate and the way you sing is fantastically great!
Homer's version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
Be you as wise as Odysseus and as beautiful as fair Helen.
Guess who won.
ID: 1247
At Work
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week."
The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, " Pizza delivery guy"
ID: 11283
At Work
Waiter, why is my food all mushed up?
-Well, you did ask me to step on it.
Waiter, these eggs are bad.
-Don't blame me. I only laid the table.
Waiter, is there soup on my menu?
-No, I wiped it off.
ID: 10805
At Work
A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...?
Going Postal...
+10,000 Jokes