ID: 1226
At Work
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
ID: 7084
At Work
A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message
read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the
company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said:
"Prepare three envelopes..."
ID: 3213
At Work
10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings)
1. This book is very commonly used
(I also studied from it 40 years ago)
2. It's important to understand what the material means in general
(I'm not good with details)
3. Some might say...
(My guess is...)
4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus
(I don't know the answer to your question)
5. We'll discuss that question next week
(I don't know the answer to your question)
6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out
(I don't know how to spell that word)
7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test
(You all failed)
8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?
(Did any of you review the material as I asked?)
9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups
(I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy)
10. The homework is due on Monday
(Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)
ID: 11896
At Work
Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars.
One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn."
Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort."
The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"
ID: 15390
At Work
Another Month Ends:
All Targets Met,
All Systems Working,
All Customers Satisfied,
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic,
All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly.
ID: 11283
At Work
Waiter, why is my food all mushed up?
-Well, you did ask me to step on it.
Waiter, these eggs are bad.
-Don't blame me. I only laid the table.
Waiter, is there soup on my menu?
-No, I wiped it off.
ID: 12843
At Work
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
ID: 514
At Work
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
ID: 1248
At Work
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the pharmacy.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
The dog ate my car keys, so now I have to hitchhike to the vet.
+10,000 Jokes