ID: 12101
At Work
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, except one girl, laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
ID: 1653
At Work
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"
ID: 7933
At Work
A nurse was giving a patient a check up and came to the task of taking his temperature. So the patient came in and she told him to take his pants and boxers off so he hesitantly did so. She then put somthing in his butt. She had some time, so she went to the bank and was going to withdraw some cash. As she went to get her pen to sign the reciept, she took out the rectal themometer.
ID: 2467
At Work
It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, good evening, sir!"
The general, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, "Good evening, soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well, it wasn't a nice night, but the private wasn't going to disagree with the general, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, yes sir!"
The general continued, "You know, there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, yes sir!"
The general, pointing at the dog, "This is a golden retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, yes sir!"
The general continued, "I got this dog for my wife."
The private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"
ID: 2549
At Work
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.
The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,"All of our
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could
bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company of Danielson, composed entirely of men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully accounced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money"?
"Well," said Mo, the 70-year-old fire chief, The first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f*cking truck"!
ID: 13563
At Work
Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truck
left mud-flap right mud-flap
Passing Side Suicide
/ ------ ------ \
\ ------ ------ /
El Paso El Cruncho
ID: 12843
At Work
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
ID: 13799
At Work
This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to Darwin. He's not too keen on this, but he needs the money and so takes off.
A while along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in the middle of nowhere, so he stops and asks if they would like a lift. They say OK. The truck driver says, "All right, hop in, but you'll have to ride in the back."
A 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other things, involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where he is off to and he says, "Darwin".
The cops go round the back, open the doors, slam them shut quickly and rush round desperately to the driver, saying, "For Chrissake get going to Darwin straight away, and don't stop - two of your eggs have already hatched, and one of them has stolen a bike!"
ID: 13477
At Work
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs.Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every day. I couldn't work under those conditions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
My goal is to be a meteorologist, but since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
+10,000 Jokes