ID: 13475
At Work
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.) "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared and he said, "You know, I always wondered about that."
ID: 16892
At Work
"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"
ID: 3238
At Work
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope to the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. I slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.
ID: 15357
At Work
As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn.
As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn.
What do you do?
I would get the flock out of there!
ID: 13349
At Work
November 15, 1996 - PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."
The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
ID: 12146
At Work
After the last teacher quit, a new teacher was hired. On her first day of work, she saw "AAFTWC" on the board.
"What is the meaning of this?" the new teacher asked. A white kid stood up and replied, "An apple from the white children."
On her second day, the teacher walked in, and saw "AOFTBC" on the board. She asked who wrote it and what it meant. A black kid stood up and said, "An orange from the black children.
On the third day, the teacher almost fainted when she saw "F***1T" written on the board. "THAT'S IT! WHO WROTE THIS, AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?"
A Mexican stood up and told her, "From us chicano kids, 1 tamale."
ID: 13458
At Work
Bill Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6.00 a.m. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job.
After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Bill decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and wonders again why he can't find a good paying job in America.
ID: 14954
At Work
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself."
The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
ID: 17083
At Work
I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
You know, if I looked like you, then I'd probably be plastering make-up on, too.
You looked in a mirror lately?
You're just jealous - weighing 10 stone is a big achievement.
You remind me of a person I once knew. He was called the Hulk.
If you are wondering why I'm napping, it's because you always want us to be wide awake. If I nap now, I'll be awake later. Now let me sleep.
Well, well, well. Looks like the latest circus freak just escaped.
Why am I in free dress? Well, that's the benefit of being the boss.
+10,000 Jokes