ID: 16167
At Work
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
"The disadvantage is that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What is the advantage?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
ID: 16615
At Work
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
ID: 9719
At Work
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.
"All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
ID: 231
At Work
When the body was first made all the parts of the body were fighting to see who would become the boss of the body. The fight for power was most intense between the limbs, the brain, and ..... the asshole.
The limbs said they should be boss because they control the human, and without them the body was useless and couldnt move or do anything.
The brain said it should be boss becauses it has to control the whole body and without the brain nothing in the body would function, neither the limbs or the asshole.
The asshole said simply, "I'm the boss."
The brain and limbs laughed at him. The asshole was so mad he closed up and the body became constipated. The brain couldnt think straight and became fuzzy, the limbs became cold, sweaty and clammy, the body was going to hell. So the brain and limbs decided the asshole was the boss.
Morale of the story is that it doesnt matter how good you are or what you do for others, only the asshole will become the person in charge.
ID: 17083
At Work
I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
You know, if I looked like you, then I'd probably be plastering make-up on, too.
You looked in a mirror lately?
You're just jealous - weighing 10 stone is a big achievement.
You remind me of a person I once knew. He was called the Hulk.
If you are wondering why I'm napping, it's because you always want us to be wide awake. If I nap now, I'll be awake later. Now let me sleep.
Well, well, well. Looks like the latest circus freak just escaped.
Why am I in free dress? Well, that's the benefit of being the boss.
ID: 3801
At Work
This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit!"
ID: 9661
At Work
1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who oppose them.
7. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
10. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
11. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
12. Plagiarism saves time.
ID: 13799
At Work
This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to Darwin. He's not too keen on this, but he needs the money and so takes off.
A while along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in the middle of nowhere, so he stops and asks if they would like a lift. They say OK. The truck driver says, "All right, hop in, but you'll have to ride in the back."
A 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other things, involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where he is off to and he says, "Darwin".
The cops go round the back, open the doors, slam them shut quickly and rush round desperately to the driver, saying, "For Chrissake get going to Darwin straight away, and don't stop - two of your eggs have already hatched, and one of them has stolen a bike!"
ID: 16893
At Work
"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane."
"Il compagno spiacente, questo è un farmacista."
+10,000 Jokes