ID: 856
At Work
Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.
ID: 8730
At Work
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
ID: 1946
At Work
This is an actual job application!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
ID: 17396
At Work
INTEROFFICE MEMO
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEES EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
*editors note*
Yes, editors, not authors.
I get many jokes-including this one-of other websites.
Almost everything except stories, the lisp one, and the Chinese people one.
This might be on here, but I checked in the Wocka search and found nothing.
Comment if you find the other one on this website, and support your claim with the I.D. number, cause I don't want bullshit on the forums.
Thank you.
ID: 15449
At Work
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is asked to make a statement. "Okay, Phillips," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Fred Wilson was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir."
"Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room! I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
ID: 263
At Work
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
ID: 2549
At Work
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.
The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,"All of our
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could
bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company of Danielson, composed entirely of men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully accounced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money"?
"Well," said Mo, the 70-year-old fire chief, The first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f*cking truck"!
ID: 14954
At Work
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself."
The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
ID: 11183
At Work
TRUE STORY
My first job was working in an office at my cubicle. Unfortunately, they put me on the floor with a bunch of pranksters.
While I was doing my work, I saw one a co-worker with a funnel down his pants, trying to catch a coin with it, for fun. He would throw the coin in the air, and then catch it with the funnel. I found this very interesting, so when it was lunch break, I asked them if I could try it. The co-worker handed me a funnel and coin, and told me to put the funnel down my pants, and down my underpants if I wanted.
I put it down my pants, and started playing. I caught the coin a couple of times, and I continued for a while. The co-worker left to get cold water to drink, and when he came back to me, he accidentally tripped and fell, purposely putting the cup into the funnel, which travelled down to my underwear. He began laughing really hard, because my it looked like I'd peed myself.
I had to work like that for the rest of the day, and everyone got their little laugh throughout that time.
+10,000 Jokes