ID: 13565
At Work
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
ID: 4981
At Work
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.
ID: 36
At Work
Jim is in a hot-air balloon, completely lost. He sees a man in a field below and flies down to him.
"Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where I am?"
The man in the field replied "You're in a balloon."
Jim said "You're an engineer, aren't you?"
"Why yes, I am. How did you know?"
"Because you gave me a perfectly logical, yet completely useless answer."
Jim continued flying, when he saw another man in a field. "Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me where I am?" he asked.
"Well, you're about two miles north of Ogdenville. If you go to the west side of town you'll find an airstrip that you can safely land on."
Jim replied "Thank you very much, sir. That was extremely helpful. Say, I'll bet you're a manager, aren't you?"
"Why yes, I am, how did you know?"
"Because your pants are on backward".
ID: 4158
At Work
Just in case you've had a rough day at work, here's a technique recommended in all the
latest psychological texts.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater...your boss...
ID: 998
At Work
I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.
ID: 3601
At Work
A group of managers was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping their tape measures and so on, and the whole thing had just turned into a big disaster.
After a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away without saying a word.
After the engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and laughed as he shook his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"
ID: 9719
At Work
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.
"All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
ID: 6123
At Work
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
ID: 1033
At Work
A man is driving along an old dirt road when he sees this giant mud hole, but, he is not quick enough to swerve and avoid it. He climbs out of his car and walks along the road until he reaches a farm house.
He goes in and asks the farmer to help him out of the hole. The farmer agrees and between the two of them they get the car out in about 15 minutes. The man offers to pay the farmer and asks how much he should give.
The farmer says, "$200 should cover it because it took me a whole day." The man gets angry and shouts, "All day! It hardly took you 15 minutes." The farmer says, "Yea, but I had to fill the hole with mud too."
+10,000 Jokes