ID: 16977
At Work
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
ID: 12843
At Work
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
ID: 9719
At Work
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.
"All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
ID: 13154
At Work
"You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby," said Mr.Jones.
"But it was a business call, Mr. Jones."
"Well, please don't address our clients as 'sweetikins'in the future."
ID: 14459
At Work
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself!
ID: 14508
At Work
The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
"I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia," she said.
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
ID: 122
At Work
TWO POINT GAGS
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
ID: 248
At Work
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
ID: 4319
At Work
Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it.
Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said: "You're not going down there by yourself at this hour."
Just as I was thinking: "How thoughtful of him", he added, "Better take the dog with you."
+10,000 Jokes