ID: 17396
At Work
INTEROFFICE MEMO
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEES EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
*editors note*
Yes, editors, not authors.
I get many jokes-including this one-of other websites.
Almost everything except stories, the lisp one, and the Chinese people one.
This might be on here, but I checked in the Wocka search and found nothing.
Comment if you find the other one on this website, and support your claim with the I.D. number, cause I don't want bullshit on the forums.
Thank you.
ID: 15748
At Work
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
ID: 12158
At Work
Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences – one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida.
First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, "Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me."
Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, "I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me."
The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, "$2700."
The park owner, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?"
"Easy," says the New Yorker. "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan."
ID: 12174
At Work
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.
The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
Thank You
ID: 11648
At Work
A man was filling out a job application form.
Whe he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote "No."
Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered "Yes", he wrote "Never been caught."
=======================================
A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people.
One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, "Mr. Johnson!"
Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself.
The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him.
He says, "Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did not fill out where you received your education. Where did you receive your financial education?" Jim replies, "Yale."
"Excellent," says the manager. "You're hired. Now that you're working for us, what would you prefer to be called?"
Jim says, "I don't care - Yim, or Mr Yohnson."
ID: 12908
At Work
(To understand this joke, you should read the Wocka jokes:
December 1st.
December 2nd.
December 3rd.
December 7th.
Enjoy!)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10th
RE: The Holiday Party
Vegetarians? I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not. So you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar (including organic tomatoes).
But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Bitch from HELL!
(Continuation joke on Wocka:
December 14th.)
ID: 15216
At Work
Lemon Grove
A woman was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove.
When the foreman looked over her application, he felt she was far too qualified for the job.
"Look, Miss Carter," said the foreman, "do you have any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Oh, yes, I certainly do," she replied. "I've been divorced four times."
ID: 15449
At Work
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is asked to make a statement. "Okay, Phillips," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Fred Wilson was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir."
"Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room! I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
ID: 15562
At Work
1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I
leave the house?
19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. And which dwarf are you?
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. Meandering to a different drummer.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
+10,000 Jokes