ID: 8238
At Work
Quasimodo, the bell-ringer for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, goes to the cardinal. "Cardinal, I'm getting pretty old and I'd like to retire, and live the rest of my life peacefully." The cardinal says, "That's fine Quasi, we'll just let the town crier know so he can put out the call to find a new bell-ringer." The cardinal does this, and both he and Quasimodo hear the town crier announcing the job opening.
After about three weeks, they are shocked because they haven't had anyone come for the job opening. The cardinal and Quasimodo are down on the steps talking, "Quasi," said the cardinal, "I'm sorry to say this but I can't let you go retire. We don't have anyone to ring the bells if you go. We'll keep the job offer open to anyone, but no one seems to want to do it." As he was speaking, an armless man runs up, and out of breath says, "I'm --- here about --- the bell -- ringing job. Is it still --- available?" The cardinal looks to Quasimodo and says, "Hey, it's your choice to try him out." Quasimodo nods his shoulders and leads the man up to the bell tower.
As they arrive on the platform, Quasimodo explains to the man how the job works. "Well, you take this large rope here and pull on it really hard, which moves the bell, causing the clapper inside the bell to hit the sides and make it ring. As you can well guess, we pull the rope once for each hour. It's almost three 'o' clock now, so I'll ring the bell the first time, and you have to ring it the second time." He looks out the window, watches the sun for a moment, then goes over and pulls the bell rope. *CLANG* the bell rings. "Ok, you're turn."
The armless man goes over to the rope and tries to get a good pull on it by grabbing it with his shoulder and head, pulling it with his teeth, stepping on the rope all to no avail. "Come on man, it was only 1 'o' clock two hours ago, we gotta get this bell rung." The man, obviously flustered, looks around. He then takes about ten steps away from the bell and leans forward. Then, as fast as his legs can carry him, he charges at the bell. *CLANG* the bell rings from the man's head hitting the bell. Quasimodo cringes as the man stumbles around for a moment. "Sorry to have to say this, but you have to ring that bell one more time," says Quasimodo. The man stumbles around for another moment and then steps back, and runs at the bell again. *CLANG* the bell goes off again. Right as Quasimodo is about to tell the guy "Good Job", the man, still dazed, stumbles around and falls out the window, all the way to the steps of the cathedral below, dying instantly.
The cardinal runs out to the man's body, turns around and looks at the window the man fell from, and Quasimodo is now leaning out of. "Quasimodo, get your ass down here NOW!" he yells. Quasimodo runs down to the front of the cathedral, and in front of the enraged cardinal. "Quasi, I thought we fixed the problem we had before and you promised you weren't going to throw people from the bell tower. What the hell happened?!?" Quasimodo explains the story to him. The cardinal then says, "Well, we should let his family know about this. Did he tell you his name, where he lived, anything?"
Quasimodo answers him, "No, we never even mentioned his name or where he was from. I don't know anything about him, but his face sure rings a bell."
ID: 3899
At Work
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!"
ID: 2054
At Work
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
ID: 417
At Work
Prison v. Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' by 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' by 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.....
At work we have managers.
ID: 856
At Work
Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.
ID: 4561
At Work
A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack.
A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"
ID: 5760
At Work
Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
ID: 248
At Work
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
ID: 5873
At Work
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (paedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
+10,000 Jokes