ID: 8406
At Work
Job Interview Quotations:
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
An interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
A candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
A candidate explained that one of her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
A candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
An applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
A candidate brought large dog to interview.
An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
A candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process.
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
I think I'm going to throw up.
ID: 13350
At Work
Quotes from Officer Fitness Reports:
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
ID: 8730
At Work
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
ID: 862
At Work
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St Peter, "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an Eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the HR Director.
"Sorry, we have rules."
And with that St. Peter put the HR executive in a lift and down it went to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends and fellow executives she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy. She had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the lift. The elevator opened at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said.
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the HR Director. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate steak and lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and rubbish and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
ID: 10788
At Work
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest.
I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
ID: 3744
At Work
Harry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"
ID: 5333
At Work
The accountant's prayer:
"Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."
ID: 2160
At Work
Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes."
"What's wrong with them?" his boss asks.
"I just can't see myself coming into work today."
ID: 3181
At Work
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any, "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, when Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there on the couch I sat, naked.
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