ID: 14459
At Work
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself!
ID: 15216
At Work
Lemon Grove
A woman was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove.
When the foreman looked over her application, he felt she was far too qualified for the job.
"Look, Miss Carter," said the foreman, "do you have any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Oh, yes, I certainly do," she replied. "I've been divorced four times."
ID: 3211
At Work
A guy eats at a restaurant.
At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:
Salads . . . . . . $3
Steak . . . . . . $10
Works . . . . . . .$5
Cola . . . . . . . $2
-----------------------
Total $20
The customer asked the waiter "What's 'works'?"
"This time it didn't work" said the waiter and crossed out that row.
ID: 11648
At Work
A man was filling out a job application form.
Whe he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote "No."
Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered "Yes", he wrote "Never been caught."
=======================================
A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people.
One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, "Mr. Johnson!"
Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself.
The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him.
He says, "Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did not fill out where you received your education. Where did you receive your financial education?" Jim replies, "Yale."
"Excellent," says the manager. "You're hired. Now that you're working for us, what would you prefer to be called?"
Jim says, "I don't care - Yim, or Mr Yohnson."
ID: 13365
At Work
1. Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Center."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
2. Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone plug-in point on the wall."
3. Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
4. More Motoring Services
Caller: Inquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France. "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
ID: 3213
At Work
10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings)
1. This book is very commonly used
(I also studied from it 40 years ago)
2. It's important to understand what the material means in general
(I'm not good with details)
3. Some might say...
(My guess is...)
4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus
(I don't know the answer to your question)
5. We'll discuss that question next week
(I don't know the answer to your question)
6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out
(I don't know how to spell that word)
7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test
(You all failed)
8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?
(Did any of you review the material as I asked?)
9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups
(I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy)
10. The homework is due on Monday
(Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)
ID: 12538
At Work
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
ID: 1364
At Work
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he/she keeps cranking out. Well, here it is:
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
ID: 5932
At Work
Many authors are disputing who wrote the Shakespeare plays. They each say they did. In their arguing, they decide to try and prove who wrote it by first showing Shakespeare's work, then theirs.
Shakespeare version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful.
Jack London's version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
You're as wise as the snowy owl and as beautiful as the clear night sky with fresh white snow under the Northern lights.
Dr. Seuss' version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
You're as attractive as green eggs on a plate and the way you sing is fantastically great!
Homer's version:
TITANIA to BOTTOM
Be you as wise as Odysseus and as beautiful as fair Helen.
Guess who won.
+10,000 Jokes