ID: 16388
At Work
Because Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs.
ID: 17852
At Work
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . .
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world."
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There! See? It really does work . . . You're smiling already.
ID: 13365
At Work
1. Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Center."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
2. Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone plug-in point on the wall."
3. Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
4. More Motoring Services
Caller: Inquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France. "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
ID: 17396
At Work
INTEROFFICE MEMO
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEES EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
*editors note*
Yes, editors, not authors.
I get many jokes-including this one-of other websites.
Almost everything except stories, the lisp one, and the Chinese people one.
This might be on here, but I checked in the Wocka search and found nothing.
Comment if you find the other one on this website, and support your claim with the I.D. number, cause I don't want bullshit on the forums.
Thank you.
ID: 11956
At Work
Jerry Jones applied to a debt-collecting agency for a job, even though he had no experience.
He was very intense, so the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Jerry returned – with the full amount!
"Amazing!" said the manager. "How on earth did you manage that?"
"Easy," replied Jerry, "I told him that if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he'd paid us."
ID: 862
At Work
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St Peter, "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an Eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the HR Director.
"Sorry, we have rules."
And with that St. Peter put the HR executive in a lift and down it went to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends and fellow executives she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy. She had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the lift. The elevator opened at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said.
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the HR Director. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate steak and lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and rubbish and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
ID: 16031
At Work
A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump.
"What?" asked the confused parts guy.
She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" asked the parts guy.
"A Datsun," replied the woman.
As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head.
"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps," he said. "We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."
"Yes ma'am," said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."
ID: 3735
At Work
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
ID: 1226
At Work
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
+10,000 Jokes