ID: 5485
At Work
How To Keep The IT Guy Happy
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
ID: 1369
At Work
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
ID: 13441
At Work
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ..."
Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh ..., hold on ... 698-45-54610 ..."
Operator : "OK... you're ... Mr Steven Huckleberry and you're calling from 17 Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir."
Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $149.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ..."
Customer: "What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Nissan Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 1123 ..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^*%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman..."
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing ... by the way ... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic ... "
Customer : "Please cancel the order, my wife will have to cook ..."
ID: 14727
At Work
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
ID: 263
At Work
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
ID: 13799
At Work
This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to Darwin. He's not too keen on this, but he needs the money and so takes off.
A while along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in the middle of nowhere, so he stops and asks if they would like a lift. They say OK. The truck driver says, "All right, hop in, but you'll have to ride in the back."
A 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other things, involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where he is off to and he says, "Darwin".
The cops go round the back, open the doors, slam them shut quickly and rush round desperately to the driver, saying, "For Chrissake get going to Darwin straight away, and don't stop - two of your eggs have already hatched, and one of them has stolen a bike!"
ID: 14508
At Work
The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
"I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia," she said.
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
ID: 3301
At Work
Here is a short story to show you that the stodgy air traffic controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor:
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
ID: 9796
At Work
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road, when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "that will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
+10,000 Jokes