ID: 11182
At Work
TRUE STORY
I was working in a restaurant for several years.
On a very busy night, I was helping out with the seating. I showed seats to a party of four and when I went to give them the menus, I realised we only had one menu left. As I placed the menu in front of one of them and told the other three that I would get them menus soon, they began laughing.
They told me that the woman that I gave the menu to was blind!
ID: 13441
At Work
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ..."
Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh ..., hold on ... 698-45-54610 ..."
Operator : "OK... you're ... Mr Steven Huckleberry and you're calling from 17 Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir."
Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $149.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ..."
Customer: "What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Nissan Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 1123 ..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^*%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman..."
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing ... by the way ... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic ... "
Customer : "Please cancel the order, my wife will have to cook ..."
ID: 3213
At Work
10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings)
1. This book is very commonly used
(I also studied from it 40 years ago)
2. It's important to understand what the material means in general
(I'm not good with details)
3. Some might say...
(My guess is...)
4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus
(I don't know the answer to your question)
5. We'll discuss that question next week
(I don't know the answer to your question)
6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out
(I don't know how to spell that word)
7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test
(You all failed)
8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?
(Did any of you review the material as I asked?)
9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups
(I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy)
10. The homework is due on Monday
(Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)
ID: 825
At Work
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
ID: 12825
At Work
One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre stayed late and all started to feel hungry. They decided to order in food by phone, but their boss thought that, since they worked with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After they contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
ID: 18192
At Work
(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)
Me: "Did you find everything you needed tonight?"
Customer: "Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on."
Me: "Thank you, ma'am."
Customer: "But don't you think you took it a little too far?"
Me: "Uh... took what too far?"
Customer: "Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?"
Me: "Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that."
Customer: *loudly* "Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that's just fine with me... but they shouldn't be letting you wear that here in a public place!"
Me: *sarcastically* "Well, why shouldn't they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I'm the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we're gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn."
Customer, to one of my managers: "Aren't you going to do anything about what she said to me?"
Manager #1: "Yes, ma'am. As soon as you leave, we're going to close the store."
Customer: "THAT'S IT?!"
Manager #2: "Of course not, ma'am. You heard the rest of our... plans."
(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)
ID: 11029
At Work
An engine driver was taken to court because he derailed a train.
The judge asked, "Why did you derail the train?"
The engine driver replied, "A man ran in front of the tracks."
The judge replied, "You are a fool. You derailed a train and killed hundreds of people just because of one man, you should have killed him by running the train over him."
The driver replied, "I tried to, but before I could run the train over him he moved away from the tracks so I just turned the train to run the train over him!!"
ID: 14824
At Work
How many Price Chopper employees does it take to wash a table?
Three; one to wash it and two to supervise.
ID: 473
At Work
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, is never
lazy. He's always
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob is always
working independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees.
He is great.
His assignments are always
on time, never
late.
You should hire him.
Often, Bob skips
his coffee breaks to compelte his
work.
He has worked dillegently.
Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as worthy employee, and cannot be
dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be
promoted, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
KEEP READING...
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
Regards,
Project Leader
+10,000 Jokes