ID: 14994
At Work
Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?"
"Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier."
The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier."
"Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks."
ID: 13440
At Work
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
ID: 14459
At Work
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself!
ID: 16783
At Work
Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid.
ID: 16334
At Work
One day Jack's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son, why are you late from school?" Jack answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today."
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.
His dad told him that the robot was special in that it could detect a lie, and would then slap the person who lied.
"Now, come on, tell me the truth. Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to see a movie."
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments."
Splat, Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No, Dad, honest I went to see the movie Sex Queen."
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never used to do such terrible things."
Splat, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,
"After all, he is your son, he will be like you."
The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mother's face.
ID: 13805
At Work
1. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weathers. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.
2. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.
3. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly.
4. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.
5. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.
6. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows, balloons and other diagrams.
7. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you during the day.
8. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages.
9. Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.
ID: 18195
At Work
(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)
Me: *walks out of the cooler*
Customer: "Are you f***ing insane? It's freezing in there.
Me: "I don't mind it."
Customer: "That's bulls***! You know it's cold. Why would you lie to me?"
Me: "Excuse me? I'm pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I'm working so I get a bit warm, even in there."
Customer: "WARM!? In a COOLER!? You're a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!"
Me: "I'm Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there."
Customer: "Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry for your loss."
ID: 11029
At Work
An engine driver was taken to court because he derailed a train.
The judge asked, "Why did you derail the train?"
The engine driver replied, "A man ran in front of the tracks."
The judge replied, "You are a fool. You derailed a train and killed hundreds of people just because of one man, you should have killed him by running the train over him."
The driver replied, "I tried to, but before I could run the train over him he moved away from the tracks so I just turned the train to run the train over him!!"
ID: 15558
At Work
STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.
The following rules shall also apply:
1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip
credits.
2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.
3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.
4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.
5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.
6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.
+10,000 Jokes