ID: 5873
At Work
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (paedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
ID: 16892
At Work
"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"
ID: 1364
At Work
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he/she keeps cranking out. Well, here it is:
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
ID: 825
At Work
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
ID: 14990
At Work
This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.
A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the back of the store and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating.
Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber *makes the sale* to the second customer and he leaves as well.
The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in sight *without* gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.
The day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else!
He had to turn himself in that same day.
ID: 690
At Work
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
ID: 18192
At Work
(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)
Me: "Did you find everything you needed tonight?"
Customer: "Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on."
Me: "Thank you, ma'am."
Customer: "But don't you think you took it a little too far?"
Me: "Uh... took what too far?"
Customer: "Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?"
Me: "Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that."
Customer: *loudly* "Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that's just fine with me... but they shouldn't be letting you wear that here in a public place!"
Me: *sarcastically* "Well, why shouldn't they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I'm the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we're gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn."
Customer, to one of my managers: "Aren't you going to do anything about what she said to me?"
Manager #1: "Yes, ma'am. As soon as you leave, we're going to close the store."
Customer: "THAT'S IT?!"
Manager #2: "Of course not, ma'am. You heard the rest of our... plans."
(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)
ID: 17144
At Work
Real headline:
"Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"
ID: 473
At Work
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, is never
lazy. He's always
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob is always
working independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees.
He is great.
His assignments are always
on time, never
late.
You should hire him.
Often, Bob skips
his coffee breaks to compelte his
work.
He has worked dillegently.
Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as worthy employee, and cannot be
dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be
promoted, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
KEEP READING...
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
Regards,
Project Leader
+10,000 Jokes