ID: 1030
At Work
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:
Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!"
ID: 13299
At Work
A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
"Do you have any military experience?"
The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."
"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"
The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."
The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am."
"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."
The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."
ID: 4981
At Work
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.
ID: 10974
At Work
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
ID: 4843
At Work
A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route.
The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost.
After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy."
To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years."
ID: 11182
At Work
TRUE STORY
I was working in a restaurant for several years.
On a very busy night, I was helping out with the seating. I showed seats to a party of four and when I went to give them the menus, I realised we only had one menu left. As I placed the menu in front of one of them and told the other three that I would get them menus soon, they began laughing.
They told me that the woman that I gave the menu to was blind!
ID: 12906
At Work
(To fully enjoy this joke, please read the Wocka jokes entittled:
December 1st
December 2nd
Enjoy!)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3rd
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of "Alcoholics Anonymous" requesting a non-drinking table - you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchangements are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED!!!
Patty
(Continuation Wocka joke:
December 7th.)
ID: 12907
At Work
(To truely enjoy this joke you should first read Wocka jokes:
December 1st.
December 2nd.
December 3rd.
Enjoy!)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7th
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men and vice versa; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste before you eat.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Patty
(Continuation is Wocka joke:
December 10th.)
ID: 14888
At Work
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
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