ID: 248
At Work
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
ID: 13391
At Work
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
ID: 12564
At Work
A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and declared, "May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
ID: 12776
At Work
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
P.S. Chinese Juice - Chinese Jews. Geddit? There's a joke about it on here somewhere!
ID: 11896
At Work
Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars.
One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn."
Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort."
The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"
ID: 12146
At Work
After the last teacher quit, a new teacher was hired. On her first day of work, she saw "AAFTWC" on the board.
"What is the meaning of this?" the new teacher asked. A white kid stood up and replied, "An apple from the white children."
On her second day, the teacher walked in, and saw "AOFTBC" on the board. She asked who wrote it and what it meant. A black kid stood up and said, "An orange from the black children.
On the third day, the teacher almost fainted when she saw "F***1T" written on the board. "THAT'S IT! WHO WROTE THIS, AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?"
A Mexican stood up and told her, "From us chicano kids, 1 tamale."
ID: 18192
At Work
(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)
Me: "Did you find everything you needed tonight?"
Customer: "Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on."
Me: "Thank you, ma'am."
Customer: "But don't you think you took it a little too far?"
Me: "Uh... took what too far?"
Customer: "Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?"
Me: "Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that."
Customer: *loudly* "Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that's just fine with me... but they shouldn't be letting you wear that here in a public place!"
Me: *sarcastically* "Well, why shouldn't they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I'm the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we're gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn."
Customer, to one of my managers: "Aren't you going to do anything about what she said to me?"
Manager #1: "Yes, ma'am. As soon as you leave, we're going to close the store."
Customer: "THAT'S IT?!"
Manager #2: "Of course not, ma'am. You heard the rest of our... plans."
(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)
ID: 14954
At Work
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself."
The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
ID: 13365
At Work
1. Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Center."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
2. Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone plug-in point on the wall."
3. Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
4. More Motoring Services
Caller: Inquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France. "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
+10,000 Jokes