ID: 2065
At Work
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
ID: 15562
At Work
1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I
leave the house?
19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. And which dwarf are you?
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. Meandering to a different drummer.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
ID: 514
At Work
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
ID: 833
At Work
To make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!
ID: 9767
At Work
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
ID: 231
At Work
When the body was first made all the parts of the body were fighting to see who would become the boss of the body. The fight for power was most intense between the limbs, the brain, and ..... the asshole.
The limbs said they should be boss because they control the human, and without them the body was useless and couldnt move or do anything.
The brain said it should be boss becauses it has to control the whole body and without the brain nothing in the body would function, neither the limbs or the asshole.
The asshole said simply, "I'm the boss."
The brain and limbs laughed at him. The asshole was so mad he closed up and the body became constipated. The brain couldnt think straight and became fuzzy, the limbs became cold, sweaty and clammy, the body was going to hell. So the brain and limbs decided the asshole was the boss.
Morale of the story is that it doesnt matter how good you are or what you do for others, only the asshole will become the person in charge.
ID: 1463
At Work
Once there were 3 guys, a Cuban, an American, and an Italian. So they worked together,and it was lunch time, so the American opens his lunch box and sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and he says, "If I get a peanut-butter jelly sandwich one more time I'm going to kill myself."
Then the Italian opens his lunch box and sees spaghetti and he says, "If I get spaghetti one more time I'm going to kill myself."
Lastly, the Cuban opens his lunch and sees black beans and he says, "If I get black beans one more time, I'm going to to do the same.
The next day the all open their lunch boxes, and the Cuban sees black beans again, so he kills himself, then the Italian sees spaghetti again, so he kills himself also. Lastly, the American sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich again so he kills himself too.
Then, at the funeral, their wifes are talking and the American wife says "Oh..! he should at least told me about his lunch, that way he wouldn't have killed himself."
Then the Italian wife agrees and says the same, and then the Cuban wife says, "But I don't understand, he makes his own lunch!"
ID: 17368
At Work
DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.
ID: 11283
At Work
Waiter, why is my food all mushed up?
-Well, you did ask me to step on it.
Waiter, these eggs are bad.
-Don't blame me. I only laid the table.
Waiter, is there soup on my menu?
-No, I wiped it off.
+10,000 Jokes