ID: 16893
At Work
"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane."
"Il compagno spiacente, questo è un farmacista."
ID: 16977
At Work
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
ID: 17852
At Work
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . .
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world."
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There! See? It really does work . . . You're smiling already.
ID: 11028
At Work
A Director said to the actress: "You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool."
Actress: "But I dont know how to swim."
Director: "I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool."
ID: 17682
At Work
Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!
ID: 12907
At Work
(To truely enjoy this joke you should first read Wocka jokes:
December 1st.
December 2nd.
December 3rd.
Enjoy!)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7th
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men and vice versa; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste before you eat.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Patty
(Continuation is Wocka joke:
December 10th.)
ID: 12908
At Work
(To understand this joke, you should read the Wocka jokes:
December 1st.
December 2nd.
December 3rd.
December 7th.
Enjoy!)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10th
RE: The Holiday Party
Vegetarians? I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not. So you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar (including organic tomatoes).
But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Bitch from HELL!
(Continuation joke on Wocka:
December 14th.)
ID: 16452
At Work
A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!"
His wife said, "$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?"
He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"
ID: 16167
At Work
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
"The disadvantage is that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What is the advantage?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
+10,000 Jokes