ID: 6521
At Work
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a teacher," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be an administrator."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. You expect someone else to solve your problem, and the fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
ID: 1719
At Work
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
ID: 15217
At Work
When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him.
"Don't look so surprised," said the dog, "after all, this is part of my job."
"This is amazing!" exclaimed the salesman. "I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!"
"No, no," the dog pleaded, "don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too."
ID: 6592
At Work
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
ID: 15562
At Work
1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I
leave the house?
19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. And which dwarf are you?
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. Meandering to a different drummer.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
ID: 15219
At Work
When the husband arrived home, his wife met him at the door sobbing. He asked her what was wrong.
"It's the pharmacist," she wailed. "He insulted me something awful on the phone this morning." Hearing this, the husband immediately headed downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist cut him off and said, "Please, just listen to my side of it."
"This morning my alarm didn't go off," the pharmacist began to explain, "so I was late getting up. Going without breakfast, I rushed out to my car only to realize I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got pulled over and was given a speeding ticket. Later, about two blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally arrived at the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I opened the store and began waiting on these people, and all the while the damn phone was ringing off the hook."
Taking a breath, he continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins, the phone still ringing off the hook. As I stood up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. This made me stagger back against a showcase filled with perfume bottles, causing all of them to fall to the floor and break.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing without letting up. When I finally got to answering it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
ID: 3587
At Work
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
ID: 2466
At Work
If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair (for those men out there, this is hair removal cream) and your Nair with Rogaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.*******
And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in the next 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone .....
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke
ID: 14988
At Work
A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation.
The driver becomes belligerent telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket "go away".
While the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults.
Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies.
The driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver said, "What the #$@%& do you think you are doing? I thought you said I was doing 48 in a 30. You wrote 88 in a 30?"
The officer said, "Forty-eight, eighty-eight, what's the difference? Your dad is going to make it go away anyway."
+10,000 Jokes