ID: 11993
Animal
Yo mama is so skinny
Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
ID: 16476
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
E
L
G
G
U
R
T
S
Uphill struggle!
ID: 14631
Animal
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
"Well," they said, "Let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as you like, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
ID: 13260
Animal
There were two fish. The first says:
"We're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, have sex, then die."
The second says:
"So we're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, then die?"
First fish:
"Yup"
Second:
"Are we gonna have sex?"
First :
"Yup"
Second:
"Ok count me in!"
ID: 12848
Animal
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
ID: 11888
Animal
Laws of Feline Physics III
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment, multiplied by the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk squared, just to show that he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat, immersed in milk, will displace her own volume minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of matter + anti-matter + it doesn't matter.
ID: 11656
Animal
Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys...
...to the lions.
ID: 13850
Animal
You mom's soooo stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!
ID: 12247
Animal
So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book."
The librarian says: "You want a book?"
"Book."
"Any book?"
"Book."
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book"
The librarian says: "Now you want two books?"
"Book-book."
So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but she comes back soon. "Book-book-book."
"Three books?"
"Book-book-book."
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on.
The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him, and he looks at them and says: "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit."
+10,000 Jokes