ID: 4368
Animal
Here are two versions of the same story--
A certain man was passing through a small town and wanted to upgrade his mode of transportation. So he looked all around this small town he was in and found that the only place he could buy a faster means of transportation was at the local monastery. They had a horse for sale there for quite a deal. When the man was leaving the monastery with his new horse the monk that was sold him the horse said "Now all you have to remember is- When you want the horse to move all you need to say is 'Hallelujah' and when you want it to stop say 'Amen.'" The man then gave the monk a half acknowledged nod and continued on his way.
After several miles the man sneezed and spooked the horse. The horse started running faster and faster. Then the man noticed a cliff ahead of him and stared to panic and said a prayer when the traveler said "Amen" the horse stopped right on the edge of the cliff. Then the man shouted and Praised God saying "Hallelujah!"
A certain man traveling ran into a stroke of bad luck. His horse died when he was still traveling, but luckily he was only a few miles off of a small town. He reached the town and inquired where he would be able to find a horse and he was told that the only person who had horses in the town was the preacher. The man went to the preacher and asked if he could buy a horse. The preacher said: "Why certainly I'll sell this one right here to you. But remember this; I trained my horses to move when you say 'Praise the Lord' and when you want the horse to stop say 'Amen.'"
With that the man thanked the preacher and said "Praise the Lord!" and the horse and the man immediately went riding away. While the man was riding along he noticed a cliff ahead of him and thought to himself "What was it that the preacher told me to say to get this horse to stop?" he then tried "Whoa whoa, Betsy!" but the horse kept on riding. The man finally so desperate said a prayer and at the end of his payer he said "Amen." The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The man looked down the steep cliff and said "Praise the Lord!"
ID: 16273
Animal
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth, with Tom even keeping a log of the "conversation."
Just as Tom thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with next-door neighbour's wife.
"My husband spends his nights . . . calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe.
"That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John."
Then it dawned on them.
ID: 3233
Animal
One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.
ID: 4476
Animal
A teacher asked his student:
Give me an example of 6 animals.
The student:
3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !
ID: 13043
Animal
A man and his parrot go for a walk and find a bunch of people trying to get a man out of a pothole.
One man yells, "Throw him a rope," so the parrot repeats, "Throw him a rope, throw him a rope."
Next, the man and the parrot go to the deli and order a bologna sandwich.
The parrot repeats, "Bologna, bologna."
Mext, the man goes to the carnival with his parrot, and play the game where you throw a dart at the balloon. The carni yells, "Hit a color, win a prize," so the parrot repeats, "Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize."
The next day the man and his parrot go to church and the minister is talking about the devil, and the parrot yells, "Throw him a rope, throw him a rope."
The priest then tells the parrot if he continues to be rude, he would be going to hell, to which the parrot replies
"Bologna, bologna."
The priest then gets angry and throws his bible at the parrot who ducked, the bible hit the black man in the pew behind him, and the parrot exclaims, "Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize!"
ID: 11887
Animal
Laws of Feline Physics II
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedient Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigeration Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket, and a cat will jump onto the bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag or Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
ID: 1081
Animal
A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in
came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen.
"Don't panic," said the town mouse, "Leave this to me."
Marching up to the cat she said, "Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room.
"How did you do that?" asked the country mouse.
"Like I told you," said the town mouse, "it pays to learn a second language."
ID: 15683
Animal
A guy was having trouble with his cat.
His cat would always scratch the sofa but never the scratching post.
One day the guy got an idea; he bought a new couch and replaced the scratching post with the old couch hoping this would solve his problem, but his cat just began scratching the new sofa.
Then another idea hit him - he got some clay and got to work.
Scratching post - $57
New sofa - $299
Clay - $9
Understanding your cat likes to scratch your face more than he likes to scratch the couch - priceless.
ID: 1726
Animal
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f-ing freezing!"
+10,000 Jokes