ID: 17224
Animal
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken," he said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
ID: 1702
Animal
Police officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle".
Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle".
ID: 12278
Animal
A very lonely old lady buys a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before the purchase, she is given a guarantee that the bird will talk. Ten days later, she returns to the store, very disappointed.
"The parrot doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a mirror?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a mirror."
So she buys a mirror and installs it in the cage.
Another ten days, and she's back at the pet shop.
"The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a ladder?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a ladder."
So she buys a ladder and installs it in the cage.
Guess what? Ten days later, she's back in the shop.
"The parrot still doesn't talk!"
"Did you buy a swing?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a swing."
So she buys a swing and installs it in the cage.
You know, don't you - ten days later, she's back in the shop, and she's mad!
The store owner says, "Well, does the parrot talk now?"
"No, he died."
"Oh, that's terrible. Did he not ever talk, then?"
"He talked, all right!"
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Don't they sell any food down at that shop?'"
ID: 4930
Animal
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A Bearacuda.
ID: 2465
Animal
I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
ID: 11707
Animal
One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting.
"So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"
ID: 11924
Animal
A pastor was walking down the street one day when he saw an abandoned kitten in an alley. Feeling sorry for it, he took it home. However, it wasn't until he was in his house when he realized it had a collar. It said "Fluffy," nothing else. No phone number, no street address, nothing. He went around the neighborhood, asking if anyone had lost a cat, to which he always got the same reply: "No." Then, one day the cat got stuck in a tree that was too tall for him to climb. He tried everything: coaxing it with warm milk, scaring it down, even calling the fire department, but nothing worked. Suddenly, while he was reading the newspaper, he got an idea. He tied a rope to the front of his pick-up truck, and then tied it to the branch the cat was on. He backed up the truck, thinking, "If it gets low enough, I can just grab it." He backs up onto the end of his driveway, then gets out of the car to get the cat. But the knot in the tree came undone, and the tree flung the cat over his back yard and into the sky, like a slingshot. The pastor felt very sad, and kept up his search for the cat's owner. Then, one day in the supermarket, he sees a woman from his neighborhood with bags of cat food in her cart. Knowing that she hated cats, he asked her why she was buying cat food She told him this:
"For a while now my daughter has been begging me for a cat. So last week, when she asked me yet again, I said 'If you want one that badly, then ask God for one!' The next day, I saw her go into the backyard and start praying on an old mattress I had in the backyard. And then the darndest thing happened, I swear this is true, when she got done praying a cat fell out of the sky and into the mattress!"
ID: 7028
Animal
aaaaa
ID: 15728
Animal
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"
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