ID: 16502
Animal
Jenny: How did the turtle cross the freeway?
Forrest: I don't know.
Jenny: Take the 'r' out of 'free'. Now, take the 'f' out of 'way'.
Forrest: There's no 'f' in way!
ID: 15596
Animal
Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
He actually *does* have your tongue.
You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
ID: 17529
Animal
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
ID: 18160
Animal
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
ID: 12239
Animal
Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants?
A: So they could smell like big girls.
ID: 17309
Animal
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
ID: 11924
Animal
A pastor was walking down the street one day when he saw an abandoned kitten in an alley. Feeling sorry for it, he took it home. However, it wasn't until he was in his house when he realized it had a collar. It said "Fluffy," nothing else. No phone number, no street address, nothing. He went around the neighborhood, asking if anyone had lost a cat, to which he always got the same reply: "No." Then, one day the cat got stuck in a tree that was too tall for him to climb. He tried everything: coaxing it with warm milk, scaring it down, even calling the fire department, but nothing worked. Suddenly, while he was reading the newspaper, he got an idea. He tied a rope to the front of his pick-up truck, and then tied it to the branch the cat was on. He backed up the truck, thinking, "If it gets low enough, I can just grab it." He backs up onto the end of his driveway, then gets out of the car to get the cat. But the knot in the tree came undone, and the tree flung the cat over his back yard and into the sky, like a slingshot. The pastor felt very sad, and kept up his search for the cat's owner. Then, one day in the supermarket, he sees a woman from his neighborhood with bags of cat food in her cart. Knowing that she hated cats, he asked her why she was buying cat food She told him this:
"For a while now my daughter has been begging me for a cat. So last week, when she asked me yet again, I said 'If you want one that badly, then ask God for one!' The next day, I saw her go into the backyard and start praying on an old mattress I had in the backyard. And then the darndest thing happened, I swear this is true, when she got done praying a cat fell out of the sky and into the mattress!"
ID: 17157
Animal
This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.
ID: 17691
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
To "lay it on the line".
+10,000 Jokes