ID: 11198
Animal
Teacher: Can you name four animals of the cat family?
Mary:Mother cat,Father cat,and two kittens.
ID: 2771
Animal
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''
ID: 16128
Animal
Star Trek... The Lost Episode
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Recent reports of a lost episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation have finally been confirmed. And now, for your reading pleasure, we are proud to present the entire transcript. Enjoy!
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The crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise have encountered the Borg.
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathway?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker (looks puzzled): "What the hell is a Microsoft?"
Data (turns to answer): "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
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15 minutes later
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Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F."
Geordi (excited): "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what do scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
Riker: "Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increase CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pac One'."
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solutions rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"
Over the speakers: "This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft Flagship 'Monopoly'. We have positive confirmation of unregistered sofware in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "Good God Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"
Riker and Picard (horrified): "Lawyers!!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are convering it with pieces of paper."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' -- it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch. Not even the Borg deserve that."
ID: 4926
Animal
What do you call a horse that escaped from jail?
A Zebra.
ID: 1836
Animal
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?
A: A jump rope
ID: 16476
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
E
L
G
G
U
R
T
S
Uphill struggle!
ID: 3698
Animal
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
ID: 17061
Animal
What do you call a chicken?
A chicken.
ID: 10821
Animal
My cat is crazy. I had just sat down to eat my hot dog when she jumped in my lap. She scared the crap out of me. I mean, I literally screamed. Then I'm like, "Whatever." and I went back to my hot dog. Then I felt something sharp on my fingers. That stupid thing was biting me! Poor thing just wanted some food.
+10,000 Jokes