ID: 3775
Animal
Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over.
"That was quite a leap," she remarked. "Want to go somewhere and cuddle?"
"Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. "The fence was higher than I thought."
ID: 10068
Animal
Which animals eat with their ears?
All of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat!
ID: 44
Animal
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
ID: 71
Animal
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
ID: 506
Animal
A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. He soon learns that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions that focused on the gorilla, and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.
Every day, he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage, and be the gorilla. After a while, he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas. As time wore on, he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.
One particularly busy Saturday, he was swinging around and accidentally swung over his fence and landed in the lion's cage. The lion slowly opened his eyes and saw the gorilla. The lion began to talk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approached the gorilla that was backed up against the fence. The lion was ready to jump. The gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! Help, help!"
Then the lion said, "Shut up, stupid, or we'll both get fired!"
ID: 362
Animal
A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly.
Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE craps ON YOU!!!"
ID: 849
Animal
Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing.
The second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face!
"Wow!" said the first bat "You must've had a big meal, where did you get that?"
"Well, can you see that large redwood over there?"
"Yes" replies the first bat.
"Well I bloody well didn't."
ID: 2800
Animal
Five toads arrived at the Heaven's Gates. The man in charge asked for each toad's name and what they had been doing.
The first gave his name and said he had been going in and out of puddles. The man let him through the gate.
He interrogated the next three toads and all three too said they had been going in and out of puddles. Since there was nothing wrong, the man let them all in.
Then he reached the last toad. She was a pretty one, in toad's sense, and when asked what her name was, she replied, "Puddles."
ID: 2762
Animal
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!!!
+10,000 Jokes