ID: 8256
Animal
Q.) Why did the dog go to court?
A.) Because it got a barking ticket.
ID: 12173
Animal
This is how Army policy all begins...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Continue, until when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
That's how Army policy begins...
ID: 12959
Animal
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . .
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."
That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of chicken.
The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
ID: 5716
Animal
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A headbanger.
ID: 12566
Animal
Q: What happens when you pour boiling water on a bunny?
A: A hot cross-buniken!
ID: 7633
Animal
Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!"
"Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
ID: 12747
Animal
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
ID: 14594
Animal
Where do whales go to get their teeth checked?
To the orcadontis!
ID: 17520
Animal
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
+10,000 Jokes