ID: 3932
Animal
What is black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed zebra
ID: 12231
Animal
Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica.
A. One can't come clean and the other one can't clean cum.
Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument?
A. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!
Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?
A. The President after Bush
Q. What's the new game there playing in the White House?
A. Swallow the Leader
Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A. It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing"
Q. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A. Get out of my sun!
Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A. Got two fives for a ten?
Q. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A. By putting a plunger in the toilet.
Q. What is the name of Helen Keller's dog?
A. Nyah, nyu, yuh, yah.
Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
A. "Not according to Dad."
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus?
A. Some people still believe in Santa Claus.
Q. What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?
A. Hillary doesn't get caught.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A. The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out.
Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A. The Spice Girls!
Q. What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A. His face.
Q. What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A. One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.
Q. How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A. They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q. Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?
A. The United States of America!
Q. What does Hillary do after she shaves her pussy every morning?
A. Sends him to work!
Q. Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
A. Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.
Q. Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A. He's afraid of the draft.
Q. When will there be a woman in the White House?
A. When Hillary leaves town.
Q. What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
A. The runway.
Q. What was JFK Jr. drinking at the time of the crash?
A. Ocean Spray.
Q. How did JFK Jr. learn how to fly?
A. He took a crash course.
Q. What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together?
A. One more mishap!
Q. Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
A. Their motto is "Your luggage will arrive before you do!"
Q. What has four legs and no ears?
A. Mike Tyson's dog.
Q. Why does Hillary always get on top?
A. Bill can only screw up.
Q. Did you hear about the latest JFK Jr. movie?
A. Its called Three Funerals and a Wedding.
Q. Why didn't JFK Jr. and his wife have a shower before getting on the plane?
A. They figured they would wash up on shore!
Q. What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A. A thank you from Santa!
Q. What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby?
A. A blind date.
Q. Did you see Dolly Parton's new shoes?
A. Neither did she.
Q. What's brown and half eaten?
A. The Queen Mothers Easter egg.
Q. What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
A. Michael's been able to have kids.
Q. What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson.
Q. Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A. So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!
Q. What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A. Figuring out which parent is his mother.
Q. What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A. It's the little boy inside him.
Q. How did Michael get in trouble?
A. He was feeling a little Randy.
Q. Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A. Because it hurts.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A. Neil walked the moon, Michael Jackson... fucked little boys.
Q. Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new band?
A. It's called the Jackson Five and Under.
Q. What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?
A. Did I beat David Blaine?
Q. What did the woman tell Michael Jackson at the beach?
A. Get out of my son!
Q. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds?
A. Cause there's twenty of them.
Q. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?
A. They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.
ID: 5352
Animal
A man phoned up an exclusive escort agency and asked for a woman.
"No problem," said the receptionist.
"There's just one thing," said the man,"she has to be 6' 6" tall and weigh 48lbs."
"Mmm,let me see --yes we can do that for you, but it will be expensive," said the receptionist.
"That's o.k," said the man.
"When do you want her?".
"Tomorrow night at 7pm," said the man.
The next night the doorbell rings and a painfully thin 6' 6" black woman is standing on his doorstep.
"Come in, take off all your clothes and go down on all fours," said the man.
She complies with his request.
He opens the kitchen door and a scrawny black labrador emerges.
The woman thinks, "Oh shit, what have I let myself in for?"
The man points at his dog and says, "Now that's what you'll look like if you don't eat all your dog food."
ID: 10375
Animal
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the chiken retired.
ID: 10821
Animal
My cat is crazy. I had just sat down to eat my hot dog when she jumped in my lap. She scared the crap out of me. I mean, I literally screamed. Then I'm like, "Whatever." and I went back to my hot dog. Then I felt something sharp on my fingers. That stupid thing was biting me! Poor thing just wanted some food.
ID: 10948
Animal
Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck to talk to.
ID: 11655
Animal
A man was buying a horse and was given a few simple instructions.
To make the horse walk, he would say "few."
To make the horse run, he would say "many."
To make the horse stop he would say "amen."
On the man's first ride all was going well. "few!" the man shouted and the horse began to walk. "many!" the man shouted and the horse began to run. But the man had forgotten the word to make the horse stop as it ran towards the edge of a cliff.
The man shouted in terror "Lord! Please save me! Amen!"
And of course the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff-face. The man then mopped his brow and said "Phew! that was clo- AAAAARRRRGHHH!!"
ID: 13804
Animal
Several years ago, Baltimore Zoo decided to encamp colonies of tiny Green Monkeys and large Drill Baboons together on an island, the theory being that the primates would stay put because neither could swim.
But the morning after the exhibit opened, zoo officials found little Green Monkeys off the island and wandering around the zoo. The next two mornings, it was the same thing. Finally a vigilant keeper discovered the problem stemmed less from cage design than monkey manners. The baboons, unwilling to share food, were grabbing the Green Monkeys by their tails and hurling them like Olympic hammer throwers off the island during suppertime.
The monkeys were no worse for their daily shuttle, but the colonies were separated anyway. The island is now a penguin reserve.
Swing, swing, swing, *toss* Wheeeeeee! :)
ID: 17535
Animal
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
+10,000 Jokes