ID: 16611
Animal
Here are some excuses...
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies - she's much better. Now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody, but if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective.
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
ID: 1102
Animal
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."
ID: 16752
Animal
Mike, a 3-year-old, proudly walked into the kitchen of his house carrying a caterpillar. However, his mother was disgusted and wanted Mike to take it outside.
"Mike, his mother is probably looking for him. Why don't you take him outside?" said the mother.
Three minutes later, Mike was back. "Look mommy!" he said, showing his mother two caterpillars. "I got his mommy too!"
ID: 5352
Animal
A man phoned up an exclusive escort agency and asked for a woman.
"No problem," said the receptionist.
"There's just one thing," said the man,"she has to be 6' 6" tall and weigh 48lbs."
"Mmm,let me see --yes we can do that for you, but it will be expensive," said the receptionist.
"That's o.k," said the man.
"When do you want her?".
"Tomorrow night at 7pm," said the man.
The next night the doorbell rings and a painfully thin 6' 6" black woman is standing on his doorstep.
"Come in, take off all your clothes and go down on all fours," said the man.
She complies with his request.
He opens the kitchen door and a scrawny black labrador emerges.
The woman thinks, "Oh shit, what have I let myself in for?"
The man points at his dog and says, "Now that's what you'll look like if you don't eat all your dog food."
ID: 16989
Animal
There was a coconut tree and 4 animals.
1. A Elephant
2. A Monkey
3. A Tiger
4. A Mouse
Which one of these animals is going to climb up the tree to get the banana?
NONE!
"There was a COCONUT TREE"
"...the tree to get the BANANA"
ID: 16629
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
RU[color=red]E[/color]
Are you ready: [R U + red E].
ID: 16888
Animal
Jenny walks into a pet shop and says to Bobby, the owner, "I want to buy a canary." "We have many types," says Bobby, "is there any particular one you're after?"
"Yes," replies Jenny, "its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good money for a great singing bird."
"Lady, I've got the very one," says Bobby, "I've been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I've ever heard - we don't call it 'Pavarotti' for nothing. I'll get it for you."
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Jenny says, "I hope you're not wasting your time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won't make me feel obliged to buy this canary if it's not a real singing canary."
Bobby brings down the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Jenny, "Just you listen." With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Jenny murmurs, "What luck - this canary really can sing." But then, a few seconds later, Jenny shouts out, "Hey, this canary's only got one leg - are you trying to cheat me?"
Bobby replies, "Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"
ID: 8641
Animal
Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow?
A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow
ID: 16930
Animal
What do you call a dog in the sun?
A Hot Dog!
+10,000 Jokes