ID: 1836
Animal
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?
A: A jump rope
ID: 5352
Animal
A man phoned up an exclusive escort agency and asked for a woman.
"No problem," said the receptionist.
"There's just one thing," said the man,"she has to be 6' 6" tall and weigh 48lbs."
"Mmm,let me see --yes we can do that for you, but it will be expensive," said the receptionist.
"That's o.k," said the man.
"When do you want her?".
"Tomorrow night at 7pm," said the man.
The next night the doorbell rings and a painfully thin 6' 6" black woman is standing on his doorstep.
"Come in, take off all your clothes and go down on all fours," said the man.
She complies with his request.
He opens the kitchen door and a scrawny black labrador emerges.
The woman thinks, "Oh shit, what have I let myself in for?"
The man points at his dog and says, "Now that's what you'll look like if you don't eat all your dog food."
ID: 1119
Animal
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"
ID: 3527
Animal
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
ID: 2002
Animal
Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."
ID: 1024
Animal
If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!
ID: 17873
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken and the road can't agree on anything.
ID: 14677
Animal
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
ID: 16772
Animal
Polly Perkins was after a talking parrot, so she went to the local pet shop in the hope of securing such a find. She was in luck. The shop assistant assured her that the parrot would learn and repeat any word or phrase it heard. Polly was delighted. However, a week later, the parrot still hadn't spoken a word. Polly returned to the shop to complain, however, it appeared that the assistant was accurate in what he had said, and refused a refund. Why didn't the parrot talk?
The parrot was deaf and as such couldn't repeat a single word it had heard!
+10,000 Jokes