ID: 2771
Animal
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''
ID: 12673
Animal
A man.
ID: 18110
Animal
Joe:Why did the cow cross the road?
Bob:The chicken quit.
Joe:why did the chicken quit?
Bob: He wanted a job that would give him more buck-buck-bucks.
Joe: Hey! Why is why is that duck crossing the road?
Bob: I don't know. Maybe the cow qu- Hey! Why am I talking to you? I don't even know you!
Joe: Why don't you kno-
Bob: Shut up!
ID: 12981
Animal
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left him!
ID: 13043
Animal
A man and his parrot go for a walk and find a bunch of people trying to get a man out of a pothole.
One man yells, "Throw him a rope," so the parrot repeats, "Throw him a rope, throw him a rope."
Next, the man and the parrot go to the deli and order a bologna sandwich.
The parrot repeats, "Bologna, bologna."
Mext, the man goes to the carnival with his parrot, and play the game where you throw a dart at the balloon. The carni yells, "Hit a color, win a prize," so the parrot repeats, "Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize."
The next day the man and his parrot go to church and the minister is talking about the devil, and the parrot yells, "Throw him a rope, throw him a rope."
The priest then tells the parrot if he continues to be rude, he would be going to hell, to which the parrot replies
"Bologna, bologna."
The priest then gets angry and throws his bible at the parrot who ducked, the bible hit the black man in the pew behind him, and the parrot exclaims, "Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize!"
ID: 11744
Animal
Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence.
One morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet.
Next morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high.
The fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning.
One kangaroo says to the other, "How high will they make this fence, do you think?"
"Don't know," says the second. "Depends when they discover they're not locking the gate."
An elephant walks into a pub and orders a drink. He's sipping his beer when a man starts playing the piano.
The elephant looks over, and bursts into tears.
"Why are you crying?" asks the barman. "Does the tune have some special significance for you?"
"No," wails the elephant, "it's just that I recognize the keys!"
(Ivory!)
ID: 17518
Animal
Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station?
A: Nothing! He didn't notice.
ID: 17528
Animal
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
ID: 17119
Animal
In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle.
Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"
+10,000 Jokes