ID: 1725
Animal
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone.
Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup, drove down to the woods, and shagged them all.
The next day he called the vet again, and asked how he would know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked not even one was lying down. So he loaded them up in his pickup again, drove them to the woods, and shagged them all again.
To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says, "Hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."
ID: 17300
Animal
Sir Lancelot was losing patience with Lady Guinevere. He had fought battles; he had jeopardized his reputation; he had ruined his friendship with King Arthur.
But it was all worthwhile just to have this time with his lovely lady. They had run away for a little while, but Lancelot was growing angry because Guinevere was spending all her time on a stupid crossword puzzle.
When she raised her quill to write in another word, he snapped. He couldn't take it any more.
He yelled in a harsh tone, "GIVE ME THE PEN GUIN!"
After that, she thought he had lost his mind, and left him.
ID: 6173
Animal
A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE".
Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds."
Noticing the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result. The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig. After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt.
"What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer.
"I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy."
"Busy doing what?"
"Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."
ID: 2804
Animal
A man selling hats went to a jungle for a rest. A monkey came and stole a hat. The man couldn't catch the monkey. He realized the monkey followed the man's actions. He threw the hat to the ground. The monkey threw the hat to the ground. He picked up both hats and went away.
The man then had a grandson who followed the family business and sold hats. The grandson went to a jungle to rest while selling hats. A monkey came and stole a hat. The grandson thought of his grandfather's story, and threw the hat on the floor. The monkey ran and picked up the hat. It then slapped the grandson, saying, "You think you're the only one having a grandfather?"
ID: 5065
Animal
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?
An elevator
ID: 3689
Animal
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
ID: 16046
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
DOG
THE
The underdog!
ID: 5533
Animal
Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot.
As I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the "Star Spangled Banner," and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, "God Bless America," and it did.
Interested, I asked the store owner, "What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot then yelled, "I'll fall off my perch, stupid!!!"
ID: 16771
Animal
Yesterday my mother asked me to buy some stamps. Stamps, are available in 3p, 9p, 11p, 17p and 21p denominations. For three types of stamp I was asked to buy eight of each. For the other two types of stamp, I was asked to buy nine of each. Unfortunately I forgot which I was supposed to buy eight of and which to buy nine of. Luckily my mother had given me the exact money required to buy the stamps, £5.00 and the shopkeeper was able to give me the correct stamps. Which stamps did I buy?
Eight lots of 11p, 17p and 21p and nine lots of 3p and 9p. The shopkeeper rightly figured that I required eight lots of each of the stamps, which came to £4.88, he also knew I required two more stamps which added up to the difference. QED.
+10,000 Jokes