ID: 6388
Animal
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like he'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till he looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant - "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
ID: 4533
Animal
Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God:
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or is it going to be the same old story?
Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
ID: 10740
Animal
A boy went to his grandpa's & grandma's house. He asked his grandpa, while his hand holds a worm, "If I can make this worm stiff, would you give me $10?" His grandpa said, "Yes."
Then he sprayed the worm with hair spray, and the worm became stiff. The grandpa looked surprised. He then tells his wife about what happened, and together, they give the boy $20. Grandma then said, "Here's $10 from grandpa for making the worm stiff, as he promised, and $10 from me for the great idea."
ID: 4672
Animal
Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
ID: 9865
Animal
A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"
ID: 9352
Animal
This is a joke to do to a very gullible person. You start off by telling that person to say "Just like me", whenever you say something. You then start:
"I went to my house"
Just like me.
"And walked through the door"
just like me
"and up the stairs"
just like me
"and then I walked down the hall"
just like me
"and opened the door to my room"
just like me
" And then I heard a noise"
just like me
" and I looked out my window"
just like me
"And saw a monkey that looked"
just like me
ID: 16691
Animal
Make sure the lawyer YOU hire does not do any of these things:
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you cocaine.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,
they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally
McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
Thank you for checking these precautions.
ID: 10261
Animal
Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?
Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...
ID: 17311
Animal
How do you shut up a crying baby?
Finish the job.
+10,000 Jokes