ID: 15151
Animal
Is the reason they make oriental flavored noodles for Americans to get back at them for eating our dogs?
ID: 12278
Animal
A very lonely old lady buys a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before the purchase, she is given a guarantee that the bird will talk. Ten days later, she returns to the store, very disappointed.
"The parrot doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a mirror?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a mirror."
So she buys a mirror and installs it in the cage.
Another ten days, and she's back at the pet shop.
"The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a ladder?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a ladder."
So she buys a ladder and installs it in the cage.
Guess what? Ten days later, she's back in the shop.
"The parrot still doesn't talk!"
"Did you buy a swing?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a swing."
So she buys a swing and installs it in the cage.
You know, don't you - ten days later, she's back in the shop, and she's mad!
The store owner says, "Well, does the parrot talk now?"
"No, he died."
"Oh, that's terrible. Did he not ever talk, then?"
"He talked, all right!"
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Don't they sell any food down at that shop?'"
ID: 8636
Animal
Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain.
The owner said, "The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.".
"But I still don't see the difference," said the old man.
The owner explained, "The $100 bird has a small hump on his beak and that made him just average."
"You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak he would be worth $10,000?!?!?" exclaimed Dave.
"Well," says the owner, "he might not be worth $10,000 but he would be worth quite a bit more."
With much delight Dave says "I'll take him! You see, I have been a master machinist my whole life and have worked with tools and my hands since I was a young boy. I think that I can file that hump off the bird's beak and make some extra money."
"You might be able to do that," says the owner, "but I must warn you that there is a membrane in the bird's beak and if you file too deeply you will kill the bird."
"No problem," says Dave with great confidence, and leaves the store.
About a week later Dave was back in the pet store and the owner asks how things went with the bird. "He died," Dave said dejectedly.
The owner says, "I warned you that you could file to deeply and that would kill the bird."
"Oh, that's not what happened," replied Dave.
"Well what happened then?"
"I accidentally crushed his head in the vice."
ID: 7837
Animal
"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?"
"Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?"
"Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"
ID: 817
Animal
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm
and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued.
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
ID: 4923
Animal
Which sea will make you go ape?
The Chimpansea.
ID: 4404
Animal
One day Jim, a duck, was swimming in a pond when he came up to another duck and asked "What are doing?" "Blowing bubbles," she replied. Jim met 3 more ducks and they all said the same thing. When Jim came up to a 5th duck he said "Let me guess, you're blowing bubbles?" "No," said the duck, "I am Bubbles!"
ID: 4235
Animal
I know this isn't too funny, but it's one of those simple ones that put a smile on your face.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pulls out his Diners' Club card.
Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.
ID: 18119
Animal
Breaking News! Daisy the Dalmation is entering the presidential election along with Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.Right now we are going to hear her campaign speech.
" Voting for your next president will be very difficult to chose so let me make it easier. You can vote for the white guy or the black guy. You vote for me you get both.!"
+10,000 Jokes