ID: 18040
Animal
My wife and I were at an outdoor shopping mall, and I came across what I thought was a 'life-sized' chess board. So I began playing chess solo. Ten moves in, my wife comes by and says, "Honey, that's a crèche!"
ID: 11656
Animal
Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys...
...to the lions.
ID: 15867
Animal
DON'T CHEAT!
Draw a pig. Yes, that's right.
On a blank piece of paper, draw a pig, then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!
Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first.
Now if you're done...start to scroll down.....
YOU'RE CHEATING! DRAW THE DAMN PIG!
ID: 15475
Animal
A New Yorker, a redneck and a Mexican go in to the bathroom, and start to wash. The Mexican and the New Yorker start to wash their hands.
The Mexican says, "At my school they taught me to use a paper towel to dry your hands, so they get dry."
The New Yorker says, "My teacher told me to use the dryers, so we save trees."
At that time, the red neck finishes his 'business', and right before opening the bathroom door, the Mexican said, "Gross, man, you did not wash your hands!"
The redneck says, "Well, my teacher taught me to not piss on my hands."
ID: 2528
Animal
"Don't be afraid of the dog," said the lady to young Johnny, who was delivering her groceries.
"You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog never bites?'"
"Yes," replied young Johnny. "You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?"
ID: 11763
Animal
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
He says, "My dog's cross-eyed, can you do something for him?"
"Let's have a look at him," says the vet, as he picks up the
dog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth.
"I'm going to have to put him down," he finally says.
"What?" says the man, "just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy!"
ID: 15474
Animal
Four blondes are shipwrecked on an island. They meet a wizard who is very bored and gives them each one wish.
The first one is too stupid to listen to the wizard and she swims away and drowns.
The second one says, "I wish I was 10 times as smart as I am now," and she makes a wooden raft and floats away.
The third one says, "I wish I was 100 times smarter than I am now," and she builds a rowboat and rows to the mainland.
The last one says, "I wish I was a 100,000,000,000,000 times smarter than those three combined," and she turns into a man and walks acrosss the bridge.
ID: 10948
Animal
Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck to talk to.
ID: 1205
Animal
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; after all, it WAS the captain's parrot. One stormy day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean... of course, the parrot was adrift on this same very piece of wood with him.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... then another ... and then another. After almost three days the parrot finally says, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"
+10,000 Jokes