ID: 2524
Animal
How To Easily Clean A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
ID: 14270
Animal
There was this really annoying elephant named Izzy who loved to brag.
One day she went up to a camel, Mell, and said, "I am the most beautiful animal you'll ever see!!"
Mell looked at her like she was crazy and said no you're not!
Izzy said, "Well, I look better than you because I don't have two boobs on my back!"
Mell replied, "True, very true. But at least I don't have a dick on my face."
ID: 2084
Animal
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" she exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
ID: 7028
Animal
aaaaa
ID: 12217
Animal
Scientists Discover Previously Unknown Holidays
by S.J.Zeve at Hacker Times December 16, 1985
Researchers at the Hacker Institute have discovered a previously unknown pair of holidays similar in nature to All Saints Day and Halloween. Researchers claim that these holidays have been missed in the past due to their rather specialized natures and a non-religious orientation.
Adding to the confusion is the fact that the holidays seem, in many respects, to be fairly young in age and so not quite settled properly into calendar slots as are such older and more staid holidays as Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Purim, Hannukah, and so forth. Indeed these two new holidays not only float around within the calendar from year to year on every currently known calendar system, but they are even known to shift position depending on where in the world you are celebrating them. For example, in the USA they might be celebrated in June while in Argentina they get celebrated in January. Sometimes, they even shift dates between adjacent houses; your family celebrating them on the 14th and 15th while your neighbors celebrate it on the 20th and 21st (or even in different months).
Researchers at the Institute claim that they made this exciting discovery of the new holidays purely by accident. Rather than looking for new holidays, they were continuing the Institute's famous study on the effects of home buying on the behaviour patterns of hackers. Indeed, this new finding is by the same group that discovered the "Attic Fan" effect of home buying on hackers. The "Attic Fan" effect is named after a particular incident in the study where researchers discovered a previously asocial hacker standing out at the back yard fence talking to the neighbors about the attic fan he had just finished installing. This was an important breakthrough in their investigation, from that point on they were able to identify more and more cases where previously asocial or hackersocial hackers were spending time talking to non-hackers about typical suburban interests such as home repairs, what the kids have been up to, the lawn, and the weather. (See story "The Attic Fan Effect" in our early November issue).
Pagan authorities that we have consulted feel that these new holidays, * All Repairs Day * and * Repaireen *, may in fact be manifestations of the birth of a new deity (tentatively named either Fickzt or D'whityors'lv) or the resurrection/re-incarnation of a deity previously believed permanently dissolved (called variously J'k'falltrds and Houmcr'ftzm'n).
Although divided on the cause, age, and significance of these newly discovered holidays all the experts we talked to (the pagans, the researchers at the Institute, and outside researchers) agree that these newly discovered, seemingly non-secular holidays are fairly straightforward in nature. All Repairs Day is a day of celebration of all that is holy in home repairs; All Repairs Day is when the home craftsperson celebrates with his or her house (or any possession repaired during the previous year, but most frequently the house) work well done during the past year. Repaireen, the night before All Repairs Day, is when the barrier between the current status of an object and the previous status of the object is at its weakest; since most objects don't have enough personality to exert themselves, the objects that act up are usually unhappy houses.
The Institute report claims that on Repaireen your house is most likely to express its displeasure with some modification or repair made in the past, usually a poorly or sloppily done job. Sometimes though, it will object simply because it feels it has been disfigured. For instance, if you took a porch or sundeck off of the house, it might feel that its lines had been damaged or that its features were now disfigured. Probably the greatest danger of this night is that an older cranky house might take out on you its displeasure with changes made by a previous owner. Especially if the previous owner has moved on without leaving a forwarding address (such as when they die or move to New Jersey). It is believed that many so-called "haunted" houses are merely houses voicing their legitimate Repaireen complaints, but, because Repaireen (with all of its ramifications) was an unrecognized holiday before, no one understood what the poor houses were trying to say.
Researchers at the Institute made their discovery through discussions with hackers who had bought houses in the past few years. Often these hackers had moved from rented house to rented house before finally buying a house for themselves. When asked to describe what caused them to finally buy a house of their own, these hackers often claimed that they felt uneasy in the rented houses, that something felt wrong or out of place and they weren't able to fix it. A feeling much like they got when using poorly designed software that they didn't have source code for; some claimed that once, sometimes twice, a year they could literally feel their rented houses calling out for something. Many claimed that it frustrated their debugging instincts that they couldn't fix the "bugs" they could "hear" in the house at such times. For several months, the researchers mistook this sensitivity to the houses for the commonly found urge to customize software to personal requirements. Only after more and more hackers began to explain about "feeling the house calling out for something one night" did they realize that they were seeing an entirely different phenomenon.
A spokesman for the Institute claims that although this finding of the new holidays is very exciting, it simply isn't covered by the grant which funds the researchers who discovered the holidays. As a result, the group has had to postpone further research on the holidays until the study on the effects of home buying on hackers has been completed. The companies underwriting the home buying study are quite adamant about having the study completed; they are anxious to find out what kinds of changes they can expect to see in their hackers as the hackers grow older. However, at the Institute's request they have increased funding for the study to allow an expansion to cover hardware hackers as well as software hackers. The Institute spokesman also indicated that the Institute is now seeking funding for two more studies, one to follow up on this discovery of the holidays and another one to re-evaluate some earlier findings about the sensitivity of hackers and also about their need to customize software and hardware. These re-evaluations will be designed to cover both hardware and software hackers.
ID: 677
Animal
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
ID: 15167
Animal
A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.
Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.
Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried.
The farmer shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"
ID: 14577
Animal
This is funny
ID: 12230
Animal
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q. How come Mike Tyson's eye's water during sex?
A. Mace
Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!
Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!
Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.
Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.
Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.
Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.
Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.
Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.
Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.
Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.
Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.
Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.
Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!
Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.
Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.
Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.
Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.
Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.
Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"
+10,000 Jokes