ID: 18108
Animal
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur, a tiger, a crocodile, a spider, and a elephant?
I don't know but you better get out of it's way!
ID: 12981
Animal
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left him!
ID: 679
Animal
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken."
The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
ID: 15696
Animal
Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.
ID: 7726
Animal
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.
I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.
ID: 11971
Animal
How do you make a reindeer fast?
Don't feed it.
ID: 11812
Animal
There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks.
A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God."
A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."
ID: 5353
Animal
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow, then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster.
"That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said, "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed - and you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for God's sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
ID: 12207
Animal
Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm!
+10,000 Jokes