ID: 8096
Animal
A male blue whale, can ejaculate 40 gallons of sperm during sex.
Only 10% of that will get to the female.
The other 36 gallons is left in the sea.
No wonder the sea's so salty.
ID: 11886
Animal
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable for the cat, as possible.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lie on the floor in a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
ID: 11565
Animal
gun(which shoots bees)
ID: 16944
Animal
Mr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth.
"I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk," he said to the zookeeper.
The zookeeper replied, "It would probably say, 'Hey dummy, I'm a cheetah!"
ID: 15938
Animal
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
ID: 13850
Animal
You mom's soooo stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!
ID: 11924
Animal
A pastor was walking down the street one day when he saw an abandoned kitten in an alley. Feeling sorry for it, he took it home. However, it wasn't until he was in his house when he realized it had a collar. It said "Fluffy," nothing else. No phone number, no street address, nothing. He went around the neighborhood, asking if anyone had lost a cat, to which he always got the same reply: "No." Then, one day the cat got stuck in a tree that was too tall for him to climb. He tried everything: coaxing it with warm milk, scaring it down, even calling the fire department, but nothing worked. Suddenly, while he was reading the newspaper, he got an idea. He tied a rope to the front of his pick-up truck, and then tied it to the branch the cat was on. He backed up the truck, thinking, "If it gets low enough, I can just grab it." He backs up onto the end of his driveway, then gets out of the car to get the cat. But the knot in the tree came undone, and the tree flung the cat over his back yard and into the sky, like a slingshot. The pastor felt very sad, and kept up his search for the cat's owner. Then, one day in the supermarket, he sees a woman from his neighborhood with bags of cat food in her cart. Knowing that she hated cats, he asked her why she was buying cat food She told him this:
"For a while now my daughter has been begging me for a cat. So last week, when she asked me yet again, I said 'If you want one that badly, then ask God for one!' The next day, I saw her go into the backyard and start praying on an old mattress I had in the backyard. And then the darndest thing happened, I swear this is true, when she got done praying a cat fell out of the sky and into the mattress!"
ID: 6094
Animal
Ther was a blind man walking along with his guide dog when he came to a road. The dog stopped for a second and then carried on into the thick of the traffic. The man was almost hit several times but he managed to get to the other side unharmed. When he got to the other side he took a treat for his dog out of his bag as a reward.
A man driving by saw this and stopped and asked the man, "Why the hell are you rewarding your dog if he almost got you killed?"
The blind man replied, "Because I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
ID: 1205
Animal
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; after all, it WAS the captain's parrot. One stormy day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean... of course, the parrot was adrift on this same very piece of wood with him.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... then another ... and then another. After almost three days the parrot finally says, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"
+10,000 Jokes