ID: 8376
Animal
One beautiful morning, a husband and wife decided to go for a drive in the country. Unfortunately, no matter which road they took, they kept seeing dead possums lying on the shoulder.
After several miles of this, the husband turned to his wife and said, "Now I think I know the answer to the age-old question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'"
"What is it?" she asked.
"Well," he replied, "it was to prove to the possums that it could be done."
ID: 7837
Animal
"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?"
"Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?"
"Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"
ID: 15683
Animal
A guy was having trouble with his cat.
His cat would always scratch the sofa but never the scratching post.
One day the guy got an idea; he bought a new couch and replaced the scratching post with the old couch hoping this would solve his problem, but his cat just began scratching the new sofa.
Then another idea hit him - he got some clay and got to work.
Scratching post - $57
New sofa - $299
Clay - $9
Understanding your cat likes to scratch your face more than he likes to scratch the couch - priceless.
ID: 17996
Animal
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I'll takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
ID: 16809
Animal
Which word is the odd one out:
football polo badminton baseball golf tennis cricket billiards rugby
Badminton.
This is the only sport which does not use a ball, it uses a shuttlecock.
ID: 14261
Animal
Ahmed was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Tauseef Khan. As Tauseef stood beside the bed, Ahmed's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Tauseef lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Ahmed used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note, then died.
Tauseef thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Tauseef was visting Ahmed's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Ahmed died.
"You know," he said, "Ahmed handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're - standing - on - my - oxygen - tube!"
ID: 16226
Animal
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President."
Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?"
The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."
ID: 11887
Animal
Laws of Feline Physics II
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedient Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigeration Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket, and a cat will jump onto the bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag or Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
ID: 15160
Animal
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
+10,000 Jokes