ID: 2007
Animal
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females.
So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
ID: 2002
Animal
Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."
ID: 12808
Animal
Yo mama so fat when jumps up in the air she gets stuck.
ID: 6955
Animal
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."
ID: 16965
Animal
Q: What do you get when you cross an anteater and a monkey?
A: I haven't a goddamn clue.
ID: 420
Animal
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds.
"You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
ID: 17060
Animal
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg!
ID: 362
Animal
A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly.
Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE craps ON YOU!!!"
ID: 15757
Animal
A child was born one day with a condition that limited him to only being able to whisper - unable to speak loudly or normally. At about 30 years old he finally goes to the doctor wanting to treat it.
"Can you treat this condition, doc?" he whispers very silently, barely heard. "Well, I can run a few tests and try to figure it out," the doctor says.
About an hour later the doctor says to the patient, "I have good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?" the man whispers.
"The good news is that we can cure it."
"What's the bad news, doc?"
"The bad news is that we'll have to amputate your penis," the doctor says.
"Oh no, I can't do that. Never mind," the man murmurs as he left the room.
A few days later the same man was out swimming deep in the ocean when he saw a fin. He knew it was a great white shark. Then the shark started to swim closer and closer...
"Shark! Shark!" he mumbled, but no one could hear him.
"Shark! Shark!" he kept whispering - then he shouted, "SHARK!"
+10,000 Jokes