ID: 4234
Animal
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.
ID: 6425
Animal
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
ID: 8795
Animal
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.
The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"
ID: 10503
Animal
Q: What do you call an arctic animal shaped like a tooth?
A: A molar bear!
ID: 8898
Animal
Why are llamas big and brown?
Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.
ID: 1120
Animal
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
ID: 1081
Animal
A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in
came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen.
"Don't panic," said the town mouse, "Leave this to me."
Marching up to the cat she said, "Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room.
"How did you do that?" asked the country mouse.
"Like I told you," said the town mouse, "it pays to learn a second language."
ID: 11763
Animal
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
He says, "My dog's cross-eyed, can you do something for him?"
"Let's have a look at him," says the vet, as he picks up the
dog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth.
"I'm going to have to put him down," he finally says.
"What?" says the man, "just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy!"
ID: 259
Animal
A horse walked into a bar.
The barman said,
"Why the long face?"
+10,000 Jokes