ID: 4199
Animal
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
ID: 11311
Animal
What did the fish say when he crashed into a wooden wall?
Beaver damn!
ID: 8636
Animal
Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain.
The owner said, "The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.".
"But I still don't see the difference," said the old man.
The owner explained, "The $100 bird has a small hump on his beak and that made him just average."
"You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak he would be worth $10,000?!?!?" exclaimed Dave.
"Well," says the owner, "he might not be worth $10,000 but he would be worth quite a bit more."
With much delight Dave says "I'll take him! You see, I have been a master machinist my whole life and have worked with tools and my hands since I was a young boy. I think that I can file that hump off the bird's beak and make some extra money."
"You might be able to do that," says the owner, "but I must warn you that there is a membrane in the bird's beak and if you file too deeply you will kill the bird."
"No problem," says Dave with great confidence, and leaves the store.
About a week later Dave was back in the pet store and the owner asks how things went with the bird. "He died," Dave said dejectedly.
The owner says, "I warned you that you could file to deeply and that would kill the bird."
"Oh, that's not what happened," replied Dave.
"Well what happened then?"
"I accidentally crushed his head in the vice."
ID: 14214
Animal
Santa:Oye, you know once, when I was very young, I jumped from the 20th floor of a building.
Banta: Then what happened? Did you survived or die?
Santa replied: "Oye, I forgot, that was years ago".
ID: 17157
Animal
This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.
ID: 14599
Animal
A guy was walking around town with a frog growing out of his head. Another man walks up to him and ask him, "What happened to you?"
The frog answered, "Well, it started as a wart on my ass."
ID: 16795
Animal
1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.
2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.
3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you.
4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.
5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address.
6. Kermit is your idol.
7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.
8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times.
9. You live in fear that some day you will wind up in a child's aquarium.
10. France is the evil empire to you.
ID: 14903
Animal
Why was the fish expelled from school?
He was caught with seaweed!
ID: 14612
Animal
Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other:
"Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?"
+10,000 Jokes