ID: 12231
Animal
Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica.
A. One can't come clean and the other one can't clean cum.
Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument?
A. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!
Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?
A. The President after Bush
Q. What's the new game there playing in the White House?
A. Swallow the Leader
Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A. It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing"
Q. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A. Get out of my sun!
Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A. Got two fives for a ten?
Q. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A. By putting a plunger in the toilet.
Q. What is the name of Helen Keller's dog?
A. Nyah, nyu, yuh, yah.
Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
A. "Not according to Dad."
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus?
A. Some people still believe in Santa Claus.
Q. What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?
A. Hillary doesn't get caught.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A. The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out.
Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A. The Spice Girls!
Q. What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A. His face.
Q. What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A. One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.
Q. How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A. They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q. Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?
A. The United States of America!
Q. What does Hillary do after she shaves her pussy every morning?
A. Sends him to work!
Q. Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
A. Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.
Q. Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A. He's afraid of the draft.
Q. When will there be a woman in the White House?
A. When Hillary leaves town.
Q. What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
A. The runway.
Q. What was JFK Jr. drinking at the time of the crash?
A. Ocean Spray.
Q. How did JFK Jr. learn how to fly?
A. He took a crash course.
Q. What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together?
A. One more mishap!
Q. Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
A. Their motto is "Your luggage will arrive before you do!"
Q. What has four legs and no ears?
A. Mike Tyson's dog.
Q. Why does Hillary always get on top?
A. Bill can only screw up.
Q. Did you hear about the latest JFK Jr. movie?
A. Its called Three Funerals and a Wedding.
Q. Why didn't JFK Jr. and his wife have a shower before getting on the plane?
A. They figured they would wash up on shore!
Q. What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A. A thank you from Santa!
Q. What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby?
A. A blind date.
Q. Did you see Dolly Parton's new shoes?
A. Neither did she.
Q. What's brown and half eaten?
A. The Queen Mothers Easter egg.
Q. What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
A. Michael's been able to have kids.
Q. What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson.
Q. Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A. So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!
Q. What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A. Figuring out which parent is his mother.
Q. What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A. It's the little boy inside him.
Q. How did Michael get in trouble?
A. He was feeling a little Randy.
Q. Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A. Because it hurts.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A. Neil walked the moon, Michael Jackson... fucked little boys.
Q. Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new band?
A. It's called the Jackson Five and Under.
Q. What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?
A. Did I beat David Blaine?
Q. What did the woman tell Michael Jackson at the beach?
A. Get out of my son!
Q. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds?
A. Cause there's twenty of them.
Q. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?
A. They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.
ID: 2789
Animal
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.
The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and continues in his direction.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets really close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
ID: 12974
Animal
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You nique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way!
ID: 6258
Animal
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1.) Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2.) Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3.) And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.
ID: 420
Animal
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds.
"You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
ID: 8636
Animal
Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain.
The owner said, "The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.".
"But I still don't see the difference," said the old man.
The owner explained, "The $100 bird has a small hump on his beak and that made him just average."
"You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak he would be worth $10,000?!?!?" exclaimed Dave.
"Well," says the owner, "he might not be worth $10,000 but he would be worth quite a bit more."
With much delight Dave says "I'll take him! You see, I have been a master machinist my whole life and have worked with tools and my hands since I was a young boy. I think that I can file that hump off the bird's beak and make some extra money."
"You might be able to do that," says the owner, "but I must warn you that there is a membrane in the bird's beak and if you file too deeply you will kill the bird."
"No problem," says Dave with great confidence, and leaves the store.
About a week later Dave was back in the pet store and the owner asks how things went with the bird. "He died," Dave said dejectedly.
The owner says, "I warned you that you could file to deeply and that would kill the bird."
"Oh, that's not what happened," replied Dave.
"Well what happened then?"
"I accidentally crushed his head in the vice."
ID: 11893
Animal
What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!
ID: 12847
Animal
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
ID: 2
Animal
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction.
+10,000 Jokes