ID: 1963
Animal
Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shall not sit in front of the television or computer monitor as thou are not transparent.
Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy behind.
Thou shall not lie down with thy behind in thy human's face.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.
ID: 16647
Animal
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
ID: 13260
Animal
There were two fish. The first says:
"We're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, have sex, then die."
The second says:
"So we're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, then die?"
First fish:
"Yup"
Second:
"Are we gonna have sex?"
First :
"Yup"
Second:
"Ok count me in!"
ID: 16976
Animal
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to hear you with."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to see you with."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big hands you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to grab you with!"
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a horribly big mouth you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to eat you with!"
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a big dick you have!"
ID: 18110
Animal
Joe:Why did the cow cross the road?
Bob:The chicken quit.
Joe:why did the chicken quit?
Bob: He wanted a job that would give him more buck-buck-bucks.
Joe: Hey! Why is why is that duck crossing the road?
Bob: I don't know. Maybe the cow qu- Hey! Why am I talking to you? I don't even know you!
Joe: Why don't you kno-
Bob: Shut up!
ID: 12959
Animal
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . .
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."
That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of chicken.
The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
ID: 17716
Animal
Milk production at a dairy farm was low so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the farmer received the write-up, and opened it to read on the first line: "Consider a spherical cow in vacuum. . . ."
ID: 16337
Animal
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious.
"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you, and get everyone in the county to buy a case. We will make you rich."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him - yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn - but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.
"Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,
"Doesn't that calf have a mother?"
ID: 16611
Animal
Here are some excuses...
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies - she's much better. Now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody, but if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective.
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
+10,000 Jokes