ID: 15157
Animal
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: SSCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH...thump.
We shall never know...
ID: 16611
Animal
Here are some excuses...
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies - she's much better. Now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody, but if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective.
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
ID: 16965
Animal
Q: What do you get when you cross an anteater and a monkey?
A: I haven't a goddamn clue.
ID: 11938
Animal
The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose.
I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!"
She said, "Well, there was in that one!!
ID: 16682
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
E
N
U
T
Tune up!
ID: 18132
Animal
A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion "sir, do you want anything of the chef's special?" The lion said "nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!"
ID: 16989
Animal
There was a coconut tree and 4 animals.
1. A Elephant
2. A Monkey
3. A Tiger
4. A Mouse
Which one of these animals is going to climb up the tree to get the banana?
NONE!
"There was a COCONUT TREE"
"...the tree to get the BANANA"
ID: 13578
Animal
Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs?
To let you know you've reached the end of the cat.
ID: 16743
Animal
Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen, and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.
Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule." Harry says, "It's not a mule, Benny, it's a donkey."
As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a priest, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.
The priest looks at the animal and says, "It's neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work."
As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?"
"No sir," replies Benny, "not according to the bible."
+10,000 Jokes