ID: 17157
Animal
This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.
ID: 12865
Animal
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
ID: 16976
Animal
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to hear you with."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to see you with."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big hands you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to grab you with!"
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a horribly big mouth you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to eat you with!"
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a big dick you have!"
ID: 2524
Animal
How To Easily Clean A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
ID: 3932
Animal
What is black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed zebra
ID: 15703
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because Kentucky Fried was on the side he was leaving from.
ID: 18164
Animal
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!". "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!". the panda shouts back. "Look it up!". The manager opens his dictionary and reads: 'Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
ID: 7776
Animal
Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound...
Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
ID: 15953
Animal
A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.
"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon."
Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.
"Ma'am, the cat is dead!"
The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.
Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!"
+10,000 Jokes