ID: 1088
Animal
Two guys own a zoo. To their angst their lone female gorilla
goes into heat. Knowing she will be violent if not looked after
they take her to a vet for advice. He says she needs to be bred
by a male gorilla. Knowing they can't find a male they weigh
their options. One says to the other, hey that guy that cleans
the cages is kind of crazy, maybe he'll do it. They ask him if
he'd do it for $500. He asks for some time to think about it.
The next day he comes back to the guys and says he'll do it on
three conditions.
1) No commitments, once it's done it's over.
2) If there is any kids I'm not responsible.
The two say O.K. no problem, what's your third condition?
Well he says it's going to take me a few weeks to come up with
the 500 dollars......
ID: 12865
Animal
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
ID: 8246
Animal
So two farmers are standing next to a cow and one farmer says:
1st guy: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
1st guy: "I made a cake."
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
......*long pause*......
Cow: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
Cow: "I made a pie."
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
ID: 1338
Animal
I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
III. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
IV. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
V. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
IV. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
ID: 1081
Animal
A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in
came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen.
"Don't panic," said the town mouse, "Leave this to me."
Marching up to the cat she said, "Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room.
"How did you do that?" asked the country mouse.
"Like I told you," said the town mouse, "it pays to learn a second language."
ID: 1376
Animal
1 How do you fit an elephant into your fridge within 3 steps?
2 How do you fit a zebra in your fridge?
3 King of the jungle , the lion every animal in the jungle will come to his wedding but one animal won't which one is it?
4 A man needs to get to the other side of a bridge desperately there are killer alligators that live in the river and there is no boat how do you get across??
1. step 1- open the fridge.
step 2- put elephant in the fridge.
step 3- close the fridge.
2. step 1- open the fridge.
step 2- take the elephant out.
step 3- put the zebra in.
step 4- close the fridge.
3. The zebra because it is in the fridge.
4. Swim because the alligators are at the wedding.
ID: 1957
Animal
Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?
A. You get Bullshit.
ID: 2084
Animal
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" she exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
ID: 10868
Animal
I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.
+10,000 Jokes