ID: 14269
Animal
How do you confuse a frog?
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.
How does a frog confuse you?
When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better!
ID: 17522
Animal
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
ID: 17059
Animal
Why did the chicken do a poo right in front of a hole on a really busy footpath?
Because he wanted people to slip on the poo and fall in the hole.
ID: 16419
Animal
A man is just about to break a record. Suddenly, a dog jump up and bites him on the neck.
Q: Is the dog owned by the former record keeper?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the former record keeper intend this to stop other people from breaking his record?
A: Yes.
The murderer doesn't want other people to break his record. Therefore, he has trained his dog, so that when the dog hears someone speaking the last digits of pi that the murderer can recite, it will bite him to death.
ID: 16405
Animal
A dog goes up to a man with a pizza and starts whining for some.
Man to Owner: Can I throw him a bit?
Owner smiles proudly: Yes.
The man picks up the dog and throws him on the ground.
ID: 8795
Animal
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.
The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"
ID: 12779
Animal
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
ID: 4738
Animal
Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?
A. Because you might step in a poodle.
ID: 8127
Animal
Dave had obtained a new hunting dog and was raving about it to his colleagues at work endlessly. The dog could do this, the dog could do that, the dog was amazing, etc. Finally, after three weeks of listening to this, Dave's coworkers demanded to go on a hunt with Dave and his dog so they could see the dog in action for themselves.
The following weekend, they all went duck hunting in the fields and after the sun rose, Dave turned the dog loose to hunt. The damn dog was gone for three hours and everyone, including Dave, was getting anxious about what had happened to the dog. Finally, the dog comes romping into camp with a stick in its mouth and immediately jumps on Dave's leg and started humping his leg and furiously shaking the stick in its mouth. The other members of the group were busting out laughing at this ridiculous display and berating Dave over how stupid his dog was. Finally, Dave quieted the group and explained the dog's actions thus:
He's telling me "There are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at."
+10,000 Jokes