ID: 17873
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken and the road can't agree on anything.
ID: 8943
Animal
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
ID: 3183
Animal
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
ID: 3498
Animal
Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?"
Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"
ID: 2465
Animal
I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
ID: 1723
Animal
A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny.
One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find.
As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.
Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it.
When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by. From behind the paper, the gorilla said, "You mean the one that screwed the lion?" The lion shook his head and shouted, "Oh No! It's already in the papers!"
ID: 44
Animal
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
ID: 2522
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
ID: 2528
Animal
"Don't be afraid of the dog," said the lady to young Johnny, who was delivering her groceries.
"You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog never bites?'"
"Yes," replied young Johnny. "You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?"
+10,000 Jokes