ID: 12536
Animal
Q: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies?
A: A bad "Hare" day
ID: 5172
Animal
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
ID: 648
Animal
Duck #1: Quack
Duck #2: Quack
Duck #3: Quack Quack
Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.
Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"
Duck #1: "He knew too much."
ID: 4814
Animal
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies" , although they are tasty, are not food.
10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20.I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and walk around with a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with her and she makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
ID: 4232
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
Because it was a double-crosser.
Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
To take over the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the beach?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
ID: 8246
Animal
So two farmers are standing next to a cow and one farmer says:
1st guy: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
1st guy: "I made a cake."
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
......*long pause*......
Cow: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
Cow: "I made a pie."
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
ID: 6439
Animal
There once was a boy named John. When he was young, he had been given a dog. He did not know what to name it and he opened a book called "The Wonders of the Body." He came across the word "sex" and decided to name his dog after it. After about 20 years, one day, his dog when missing. He went to SPCA and see if they had seen his dog. "What's your dog's name that you are looking for?" the lady at the counter ask.
"I am looking for Sex."
"But sir, we don't provide those kind of service here, I think you should go somewhere else."
"But I need Sex a lot, I can't live without Sex, you can't ask me to go away like that."
"I think you've miss understood. This is the SPCA, not some brothel, so please excuse me."
"Hey miss, you can't do that! I need Sex everyday! Sex is very important to me ... "
"Sir, but would you mind ..."
"Look lady, I had Sex since 5, I ... "
As he speaks, a man dragging a dog came out from behind. "Sir, is this your Sex?"
"Yes ... at least ... I've found my Sex."
ID: 9625
Animal
HORSE RACE Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is knocking on the door.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is moving in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly shows...
Thighs weakens...
Heavy Bosom pulls up..
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.
ID: 6145
Animal
Q: What do you call it, when a bison gets a loan?
A: A Buffa-loan!
+10,000 Jokes