ID: 16071
Animal
wat do u call a female dog?
ID: 2310
Animal
What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A Pork-Chop!
ID: 5523
Animal
What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
ID: 2468
Animal
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky, you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
ID: 3600
Animal
A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for him and he dimly saw it run off the highway on an exit. The driver followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked.
The driver apologized to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature. "Oh yes," said the farmer, "that's one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and myself can have a chicken leg each."
"Really?" asked the man. "That's amazing! How do they taste?"
"I don't know," replied the farmer. "I haven't been able to catch one yet."
ID: 10595
Animal
Why did the french dog look in the toilet?
Wee wee
ID: 2747
Animal
This young girl about 7 year old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school.
Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well.
His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.
The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the smell from the male dogs.
Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.
About an hour later, the girl returned without the dog.
The father asked, "What on earth has happened to the dog?"
The girl replies, "Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back, and is being pushed home by another dog."
ID: 10068
Animal
Which animals eat with their ears?
All of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat!
ID: 2084
Animal
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" she exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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