ID: 12255
Animal
A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in?
The skunk!
The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.
ID: 16976
Animal
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to hear you with."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to see you with."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big hands you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to grab you with!"
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a horribly big mouth you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to eat you with!"
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a big dick you have!"
ID: 11765
Animal
A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room.
To his amazement, one of the players is a German Shepherd, studying his hand intently.
He asks the barman, "Is that dog actually playing poker?"
"He certainly is, sir," replies the barman.
"I am amazed," said the man.
"Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker."
"Does the dog win much?" asks the man.
"No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!"
ID: 11659
Animal
"Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.
"Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!"
ID: 17691
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
To "lay it on the line".
ID: 15769
Animal
My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!"
"That doesn't look like an eagle," I said.
"Well of course not," he shot back amazingly quickly. "It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that "Eagles are Masters of De Skys?"
ID: 11209
Animal
Q: What is a cat's favorite game?
A: Go Fish!
ID: 17309
Animal
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
ID: 11470
Animal
Yo Momma so fat, when she fell on the ground, I tried not to laugh, but the ground was cracking up!
+10,000 Jokes