ID: 17521
Animal
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
ID: 2319
Animal
Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding?
Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite.
Joe: Polite?
Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.
ID: 11601
Animal
What do you call a sheep with no eyes?
A blind sheep (what else?)
ID: 6972
Animal
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
ID: 4930
Animal
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A Bearacuda.
ID: 3233
Animal
One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.
ID: 412
Animal
Q: What does a fish use to get high?
A: Seaweed!
ID: 7013
Animal
A man was walking in a rich neighborhood when he saw a lost dog ad. Part of the bottom line of the ad was torn by the weather, so all the man could see of the ad was
LOST DOG
IF FOUND CALL 555-5555
REWARD:
ALL OF MY FAMILY'S (blank blank blank)
Being as this was a rich neighborhood, the man assumed that the blank in the ad represented money. He was very excited at the thought of owning all of a rich family's money, so he very desperately searched for the dog.
After one week of desperate searching, the man found the missing dog and immidiately returned it to the family. A woman came to the door and excitedly said, "Thank goodness someone found our precious puppy!" and closed the door.
Quite confused, the man rang the doorbell again, where the same woman politely asked what the man wanted. "My reward," the man replied. She said, "Oh, yes. Sir, my family sends all of its thanks to you. That is all what it said on the ads as reward, so thank you and goodbye!"
ID: 5353
Animal
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow, then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster.
"That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said, "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed - and you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for God's sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
+10,000 Jokes