ID: 682
Animal
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
ID: 13803
Animal
What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
ID: 14580
Animal
Why does a dog have fur?
'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little "bare"!
ID: 15704
Animal
There was a quirky breed of dinosaur called an "Adoptosaurus". Adoptosauruses laid eggs and often times forgot where they laid them or whose eggs were who's. Basically, they "adopted" the eggs they found and claimed them as their own.
Adoptosauruses didn't eat meat because it wasn't apart of their dino-religion. They thought eating meat made dinosaurs fat and have wrinkly skin. Adoptosauruses ate flowers because they thought it made them smell good. They thought they were the best of all the dinosaurs.
Maybe they went extinct so fast because their babies got hungry and ate each other, or the T-rexes found them and ate them, or maybe they were just stupid dinosaurs that adopted their own eggs.
ID: 1088
Animal
Two guys own a zoo. To their angst their lone female gorilla
goes into heat. Knowing she will be violent if not looked after
they take her to a vet for advice. He says she needs to be bred
by a male gorilla. Knowing they can't find a male they weigh
their options. One says to the other, hey that guy that cleans
the cages is kind of crazy, maybe he'll do it. They ask him if
he'd do it for $500. He asks for some time to think about it.
The next day he comes back to the guys and says he'll do it on
three conditions.
1) No commitments, once it's done it's over.
2) If there is any kids I'm not responsible.
The two say O.K. no problem, what's your third condition?
Well he says it's going to take me a few weeks to come up with
the 500 dollars......
ID: 1728
Animal
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up." The rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
ID: 247
Animal
A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hands on. Then he heard a voice. It said, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking its in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar not very religious but still scared says, "Who are you?"
Then he flipped on the light not caring if he was caught by the house owners. All he sees is a parrot in the corner. The parrot then says, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar asks the parrot his name. The parrot replied, "Satan."
The burglar laughs and says, "Who would name their parrot Satan?"
The parrot says, "Same person who would name their rottweiler Jesus."
ID: 649
Animal
One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red.
She asks him, "Why are your eyes so big, wolf?"
The wolf answers, "Shut up and let me shit in peace!"
ID: 14614
Animal
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."
+10,000 Jokes