ID: 17545
Animal
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.
ID: 16540
Animal
1 C A and 4 H A in a M M
1 carbon atom and 4 hydrogen atoms in a methane molecule!
ID: 14830
Animal
Boys make good pets!
Princess in training!
At least I can still smoke in my car
Caution, Blind Man Driving.
"Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make."
All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!
"To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan
"No BLOOD no foul."
"Life's an Ocean, Sail It"
"We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip
Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
ID: 15953
Animal
A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.
"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon."
Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.
"Ma'am, the cat is dead!"
The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.
Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!"
ID: 4930
Animal
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A Bearacuda.
ID: 4391
Animal
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
ID: 506
Animal
A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. He soon learns that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions that focused on the gorilla, and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.
Every day, he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage, and be the gorilla. After a while, he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas. As time wore on, he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.
One particularly busy Saturday, he was swinging around and accidentally swung over his fence and landed in the lion's cage. The lion slowly opened his eyes and saw the gorilla. The lion began to talk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approached the gorilla that was backed up against the fence. The lion was ready to jump. The gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! Help, help!"
Then the lion said, "Shut up, stupid, or we'll both get fired!"
ID: 16888
Animal
Jenny walks into a pet shop and says to Bobby, the owner, "I want to buy a canary." "We have many types," says Bobby, "is there any particular one you're after?"
"Yes," replies Jenny, "its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good money for a great singing bird."
"Lady, I've got the very one," says Bobby, "I've been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I've ever heard - we don't call it 'Pavarotti' for nothing. I'll get it for you."
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Jenny says, "I hope you're not wasting your time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won't make me feel obliged to buy this canary if it's not a real singing canary."
Bobby brings down the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Jenny, "Just you listen." With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Jenny murmurs, "What luck - this canary really can sing." But then, a few seconds later, Jenny shouts out, "Hey, this canary's only got one leg - are you trying to cheat me?"
Bobby replies, "Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"
ID: 15117
Animal
A man was sailing down the river amazon in a canoe, when he was hit by a poison dart. He woke up some time later in a cage, surrounded by a tribe chief and his minions. The chief said "You have been tresspassing on our tribes private property. You will be doomed to death by ravens pecking out your insides. However, if you pass our 2 tests, you will be allowed to go. The first of which is a test of courage, of bravery, of strength. You must go into the first tent, and there you will find a lion, a lion with a thorn in its paw. The second challenge is one of compassion, thought and love. You must shag the 10 most beautiful ladies of our tribe. Now, let the challenges begin..."
The man goes into the tent and at first, there is much roaring and howling, but eventually it calms down. Then the man comes out and says "That's the first challenge done! Now where are those 10 beautiful ladies who I must pull thorns out of their paws?"
+10,000 Jokes