ID: 11697
Animal
Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it.
We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!
ID: 14261
Animal
Ahmed was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Tauseef Khan. As Tauseef stood beside the bed, Ahmed's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Tauseef lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Ahmed used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note, then died.
Tauseef thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Tauseef was visting Ahmed's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Ahmed died.
"You know," he said, "Ahmed handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're - standing - on - my - oxygen - tube!"
ID: 2731
Animal
Q. What animal talks the most?
A. The yak.
ID: 12747
Animal
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
ID: 12217
Animal
Scientists Discover Previously Unknown Holidays
by S.J.Zeve at Hacker Times December 16, 1985
Researchers at the Hacker Institute have discovered a previously unknown pair of holidays similar in nature to All Saints Day and Halloween. Researchers claim that these holidays have been missed in the past due to their rather specialized natures and a non-religious orientation.
Adding to the confusion is the fact that the holidays seem, in many respects, to be fairly young in age and so not quite settled properly into calendar slots as are such older and more staid holidays as Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Purim, Hannukah, and so forth. Indeed these two new holidays not only float around within the calendar from year to year on every currently known calendar system, but they are even known to shift position depending on where in the world you are celebrating them. For example, in the USA they might be celebrated in June while in Argentina they get celebrated in January. Sometimes, they even shift dates between adjacent houses; your family celebrating them on the 14th and 15th while your neighbors celebrate it on the 20th and 21st (or even in different months).
Researchers at the Institute claim that they made this exciting discovery of the new holidays purely by accident. Rather than looking for new holidays, they were continuing the Institute's famous study on the effects of home buying on the behaviour patterns of hackers. Indeed, this new finding is by the same group that discovered the "Attic Fan" effect of home buying on hackers. The "Attic Fan" effect is named after a particular incident in the study where researchers discovered a previously asocial hacker standing out at the back yard fence talking to the neighbors about the attic fan he had just finished installing. This was an important breakthrough in their investigation, from that point on they were able to identify more and more cases where previously asocial or hackersocial hackers were spending time talking to non-hackers about typical suburban interests such as home repairs, what the kids have been up to, the lawn, and the weather. (See story "The Attic Fan Effect" in our early November issue).
Pagan authorities that we have consulted feel that these new holidays, * All Repairs Day * and * Repaireen *, may in fact be manifestations of the birth of a new deity (tentatively named either Fickzt or D'whityors'lv) or the resurrection/re-incarnation of a deity previously believed permanently dissolved (called variously J'k'falltrds and Houmcr'ftzm'n).
Although divided on the cause, age, and significance of these newly discovered holidays all the experts we talked to (the pagans, the researchers at the Institute, and outside researchers) agree that these newly discovered, seemingly non-secular holidays are fairly straightforward in nature. All Repairs Day is a day of celebration of all that is holy in home repairs; All Repairs Day is when the home craftsperson celebrates with his or her house (or any possession repaired during the previous year, but most frequently the house) work well done during the past year. Repaireen, the night before All Repairs Day, is when the barrier between the current status of an object and the previous status of the object is at its weakest; since most objects don't have enough personality to exert themselves, the objects that act up are usually unhappy houses.
The Institute report claims that on Repaireen your house is most likely to express its displeasure with some modification or repair made in the past, usually a poorly or sloppily done job. Sometimes though, it will object simply because it feels it has been disfigured. For instance, if you took a porch or sundeck off of the house, it might feel that its lines had been damaged or that its features were now disfigured. Probably the greatest danger of this night is that an older cranky house might take out on you its displeasure with changes made by a previous owner. Especially if the previous owner has moved on without leaving a forwarding address (such as when they die or move to New Jersey). It is believed that many so-called "haunted" houses are merely houses voicing their legitimate Repaireen complaints, but, because Repaireen (with all of its ramifications) was an unrecognized holiday before, no one understood what the poor houses were trying to say.
Researchers at the Institute made their discovery through discussions with hackers who had bought houses in the past few years. Often these hackers had moved from rented house to rented house before finally buying a house for themselves. When asked to describe what caused them to finally buy a house of their own, these hackers often claimed that they felt uneasy in the rented houses, that something felt wrong or out of place and they weren't able to fix it. A feeling much like they got when using poorly designed software that they didn't have source code for; some claimed that once, sometimes twice, a year they could literally feel their rented houses calling out for something. Many claimed that it frustrated their debugging instincts that they couldn't fix the "bugs" they could "hear" in the house at such times. For several months, the researchers mistook this sensitivity to the houses for the commonly found urge to customize software to personal requirements. Only after more and more hackers began to explain about "feeling the house calling out for something one night" did they realize that they were seeing an entirely different phenomenon.
A spokesman for the Institute claims that although this finding of the new holidays is very exciting, it simply isn't covered by the grant which funds the researchers who discovered the holidays. As a result, the group has had to postpone further research on the holidays until the study on the effects of home buying on hackers has been completed. The companies underwriting the home buying study are quite adamant about having the study completed; they are anxious to find out what kinds of changes they can expect to see in their hackers as the hackers grow older. However, at the Institute's request they have increased funding for the study to allow an expansion to cover hardware hackers as well as software hackers. The Institute spokesman also indicated that the Institute is now seeking funding for two more studies, one to follow up on this discovery of the holidays and another one to re-evaluate some earlier findings about the sensitivity of hackers and also about their need to customize software and hardware. These re-evaluations will be designed to cover both hardware and software hackers.
ID: 13164
Animal
Two unemployed guys are talking and onne says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know anything about lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answere this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what are you going to do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair, they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with his big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I take that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it into two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you are you going to do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun doesn't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
ID: 11391
Animal
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!
ID: 13717
Animal
There was once a very very stupid farmer in Texas. The farmer decided he wanted to raise chickens, so he bought a standard gross of chicks.
He planted the chicks in the field, watered them regularly, but nothing happened. He was a persistent type, though, so he bought another gross of chicks and planted them and cared for them - still nothing.
Finally he decided he needed professional help, so he wrote a letter to the Texas A & M extension service, explaining exactly what he'd done in detail and asking for their advice. About two weeks later he received a letter from A & M, and read it:
"Mr. X, we are unable to diagnose your problem without further information.
Please send a soil sample."
ID: 7211
Animal
What do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him?
Answer: A Thesaurus! :)
+10,000 Jokes