ID: 16636
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
L
L
I
H
Uphill!
ID: 5054
Animal
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smell-icopter
ID: 2007
Animal
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females.
So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
ID: 1818
Animal
Q: What is the definition of a sick bird?
A: Illegal
ID: 497
Animal
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black labrodour retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
ID: 4453
Animal
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot!
ID: 4597
Animal
A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."
So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.
Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the
guy went back to his car.
He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvette and drove off.
The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, "I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side." The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side.
People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvette drives up.
He walked up to the elephant and said, "Do you remember me?" The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, "Do you want me to do it again?" The elephant then shook his head
from side to side frantically.
ID: 536
Animal
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."
ID: 2800
Animal
Five toads arrived at the Heaven's Gates. The man in charge asked for each toad's name and what they had been doing.
The first gave his name and said he had been going in and out of puddles. The man let him through the gate.
He interrogated the next three toads and all three too said they had been going in and out of puddles. Since there was nothing wrong, the man let them all in.
Then he reached the last toad. She was a pretty one, in toad's sense, and when asked what her name was, she replied, "Puddles."
+10,000 Jokes