ID: 16539
Animal
Can You Decipher This Phrase?
E E
Y
E E
D D
Cross eyed!
ID: 7013
Animal
A man was walking in a rich neighborhood when he saw a lost dog ad. Part of the bottom line of the ad was torn by the weather, so all the man could see of the ad was
LOST DOG
IF FOUND CALL 555-5555
REWARD:
ALL OF MY FAMILY'S (blank blank blank)
Being as this was a rich neighborhood, the man assumed that the blank in the ad represented money. He was very excited at the thought of owning all of a rich family's money, so he very desperately searched for the dog.
After one week of desperate searching, the man found the missing dog and immidiately returned it to the family. A woman came to the door and excitedly said, "Thank goodness someone found our precious puppy!" and closed the door.
Quite confused, the man rang the doorbell again, where the same woman politely asked what the man wanted. "My reward," the man replied. She said, "Oh, yes. Sir, my family sends all of its thanks to you. That is all what it said on the ads as reward, so thank you and goodbye!"
ID: 11659
Animal
"Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.
"Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!"
ID: 1835
Animal
A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves.
The owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, "Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary."
The owner did so and it read, "Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves."
ID: 8641
Animal
Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow?
A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow
ID: 2749
Animal
Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize.
They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.
2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.
Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced meto their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had thisbag of cookies for me."
Bill says, "What did you tell them?"
The driver replies, "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig."
ID: 6258
Animal
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1.) Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2.) Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3.) And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.
ID: 1119
Animal
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"
ID: 11812
Animal
There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks.
A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God."
A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."
+10,000 Jokes