ID: 18049
Animal
Miley Cyrus shaves more often than Justin Bieber.
It seems he is using her older sisters in his videos.
Most of the Justin's concert are free because no one is willing to pay for it.
Police are now using Justin Bieber's songs as torture devices.
Even deaf cannot resist the song of Justin Bieber.
Kim Kardashian received death threats from Justin Bieber fans after he jokingly tweeted that she was his girlfriend. One Justin Bieber fan tweeted that she will use her lunch money to hire a hit man.
Q. What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga ?
A. One of them has balls and it ain't Bieber.
Justin Biebers new song is "if i were a boy".
You've got to feel sorry for JB .............. She's under extreme pressure with all the hype surrounding her.
Q: How to make Justin Bieber cry?
A: Tell him Santa's not real!
Justin Beiber fell off the ladder trying to reach puberty .
Justin Beiber will star on next transformer movie , his name in transformer will be "Faggatron" .
Q: When will Justin Bieber win the Grammy ?
A: After Justin Bieber hits the puberty , damn he will never win Grammy then.
JB wants new Barbie Doll kit as christmas gift .
ID: 10868
Animal
I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.
ID: 10068
Animal
Which animals eat with their ears?
All of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat!
ID: 8256
Animal
Q.) Why did the dog go to court?
A.) Because it got a barking ticket.
ID: 9623
Animal
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I thee her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
ID: 5986
Animal
A man was taking a walk around town one day and he passed a sign saying 'Talking dog for sale $5'. He thought it was a scam, but he went to see what was up anyway.
When he got to the porch a dog came up to him. Deciding to be a smart aleck, he asked the dog if it could talk.
The dog said, "Yes, I can. I am the one mentioned in the sign. You can go inside and talk to my owner if you want to buy me."
The man asked, "How come you can talk?"
The dog answered, "I was a secret CIA experiment. They altered my genes and I used to be a covert agent. I led to many gang busts and stopped a lot of assassination attempts. Once they learned I told my owner about the cases, they kicked me out and now I am stuck here."
The man was in awe and went to talk to the dog's owner Bob.
He asked why the dog was so cheap since he was in the CIA and Bob said, "Was he telling YOU that too?! He tells that to everybody. The reason he is so cheap is because I can't believe a word he says. He's a compulsive liar! The most exciting thing he has ever done is lick his own butt instead of the cat's for a change!"
ID: 7837
Animal
"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?"
"Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?"
"Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"
ID: 7391
Animal
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
ID: 7631
Animal
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."
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