ID: 17525
Animal
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
ID: 16682
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
E
N
U
T
Tune up!
ID: 3932
Animal
What is black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed zebra
ID: 12662
Animal
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
ID: 15869
Animal
<b>Little Birds</b>
Do you know someone who seems to know everything?
When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me."
Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere - thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.
Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.
This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition - and those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"
Why, I think it now should be pretty obvious to all, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.
ID: 12828
Animal
Q: What does a 1000 pound bird say??
A: SQUAWK!!!
ID: 16812
Animal
During a recent expedition, three intrepid adventurers were left stranded in the middle of the desert with only a crate full of apples. During the night, Alan woke up and decided to hide his share of the apples, one-third, then promptly fell asleep again. Brian woke up shortly after and also decided to hide a third of the remaining apples and he also dozed back to sleep. Finally, Charlie woke up and seeing the others were asleep, took a third of what was left. Of course none of the adventurers knew of the other's antics, so, in the morning, they shared the remaining apples, each receiving sixteen. How many apples were in the crate originally?
162 apples.
Alan hid 54, leaving 108. Brain hid 36, leaving 72. Charlie hid 24, leaving 48. 48 apples were then available to share in the morning.
ID: 16976
Animal
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to hear you with."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to see you with."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what big hands you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to grab you with!"
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a horribly big mouth you have!"
Wolf: "All the better to eat you with!"
Little Red Riding Hood: "Oh, grandmother, what a big dick you have!"
ID: 16752
Animal
Mike, a 3-year-old, proudly walked into the kitchen of his house carrying a caterpillar. However, his mother was disgusted and wanted Mike to take it outside.
"Mike, his mother is probably looking for him. Why don't you take him outside?" said the mother.
Three minutes later, Mike was back. "Look mommy!" he said, showing his mother two caterpillars. "I got his mommy too!"
+10,000 Jokes