ID: 15953
Animal
A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.
"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon."
Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.
"Ma'am, the cat is dead!"
The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.
Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!"
ID: 18031
Animal
One time I was walking and I saw a deer then a turkey comes out and the turkey and deer interact by speaking in human words then all of a sudden a really bright light formed and the deer and turkey have fused to make a durkey a dear and turkey combined it has a head of a deer and the body of the turkey after that this was on the news and they said it could be seen from Africa(No permanent eye damage was reported)so then a passer by the next day(I was in that same area where the turkey and deer fused)took the durkey and that guy who ate it became that same turkey(The one the deer talked to before fusing)but the good ole friend the deer was gone that passer by became the turkey but the deer got eaten the normal way.This should keep you laughing for hours
ID: 1088
Animal
Two guys own a zoo. To their angst their lone female gorilla
goes into heat. Knowing she will be violent if not looked after
they take her to a vet for advice. He says she needs to be bred
by a male gorilla. Knowing they can't find a male they weigh
their options. One says to the other, hey that guy that cleans
the cages is kind of crazy, maybe he'll do it. They ask him if
he'd do it for $500. He asks for some time to think about it.
The next day he comes back to the guys and says he'll do it on
three conditions.
1) No commitments, once it's done it's over.
2) If there is any kids I'm not responsible.
The two say O.K. no problem, what's your third condition?
Well he says it's going to take me a few weeks to come up with
the 500 dollars......
ID: 9302
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, ask the chicken!
ID: 13717
Animal
There was once a very very stupid farmer in Texas. The farmer decided he wanted to raise chickens, so he bought a standard gross of chicks.
He planted the chicks in the field, watered them regularly, but nothing happened. He was a persistent type, though, so he bought another gross of chicks and planted them and cared for them - still nothing.
Finally he decided he needed professional help, so he wrote a letter to the Texas A & M extension service, explaining exactly what he'd done in detail and asking for their advice. About two weeks later he received a letter from A & M, and read it:
"Mr. X, we are unable to diagnose your problem without further information.
Please send a soil sample."
ID: 10519
Animal
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted, and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown, and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?", he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did", the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
ID: 16677
Animal
Can you decipher the following common phrase?
AND
ED
Underhanded!
ID: 16795
Animal
1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.
2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.
3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you.
4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.
5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address.
6. Kermit is your idol.
7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.
8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times.
9. You live in fear that some day you will wind up in a child's aquarium.
10. France is the evil empire to you.
ID: 4387
Animal
There was once a very stupid parrot that could only say: "Who's there?"
So one fine evening, while its owner was out shopping, the gas delivery man arrived at the door. He pressed the door bell and waited for the door to be opened.
At that moment, the parrot said: "Who's there?"
The man then promptly replied: "Gas delivery man."
The parrot then spoke: "Who's there?"
The man then repeated himself again.
After several hours, the owner returned home. He was shocked to find a man outside his door, foaming in his mouth.
Puzzled, he said:" Who's that?" A voice from inside the house replied: "Gas delivery man."
+10,000 Jokes