ID: 12255
Animal
A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in?
The skunk!
The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.
ID: 537
Animal
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
ID: 11659
Animal
"Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.
"Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!"
ID: 11765
Animal
A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room.
To his amazement, one of the players is a German Shepherd, studying his hand intently.
He asks the barman, "Is that dog actually playing poker?"
"He certainly is, sir," replies the barman.
"I am amazed," said the man.
"Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker."
"Does the dog win much?" asks the man.
"No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!"
ID: 4233
Animal
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The bears' exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The zookeeper always wants to take the rhino for a walk.
5. The lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the tour guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the tigers' den.
9. The elephant appear to be two guys in a two part elephant suit.
10. Two words: hippo dogs!
ID: 17806
Animal
When was the price of milk the highest?
When the cow jumped over the moon.
ID: 1102
Animal
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."
ID: 3931
Animal
A man had a very smart dog. He tried selling it for around $45, but everybody thought it was too expensive. The man couldn't lower the price because part of the deal was to buy it a new name tag, 5 lbs. of food, and a new toy.
After long thought he decided to get rid of the dog. He drove 20 miles out of town and dropped the dog off. When he arrived home, the dog was on the porch. He was baffled by this, so he went out of town 80 miles the next day and dropped his dog off in the woods. He went home only to find his dog on the porch.
Next day he was mad, so he drove 170 miles out of town taking the most complicated way possible and dropped his dog off. He started driving around trying to find his way home, but he couldn't. He called his wife on his cell phone and asked, "Honey, is the dog home?" His wife responded, "Yes, why?" The man said, "Put him on the phone - I need directions."
ID: 11657
Animal
Man 1: "My budgie lays square eggs!"
Man 2: "Really! That's amazing! Can it talk as well?"
Man 1: "Yes, but only one word."
Man 2: "What's that?"
Man 1: "Ouch!"
+10,000 Jokes