ID: 17516
Animal
Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you?
A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
ID: 3774
Animal
What is a cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
ID: 18145
Animal
I got a new dog last week. She's a black lab and border collie mix, and still a puppy. I take her with me everywhere I go. But when I took her to the vet to get her shots, they told me I had to put her down.
I've only had this dog for a week. Seven days. I wanted to keep holding her.
ID: 17306
Animal
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey, koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some,"
so the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala, where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while, the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped to the river bank. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"
The koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiii-iit, Dude! How much water did you drink?!"
ID: 8653
Animal
A man settles into his seat on the plane, when another man sits down and puts his black Labrador Retriever in the seat next to him. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
Once the plane has taken off and levels out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and turns to the man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, but this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seatmate."
The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a bit, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent. He jumps into his seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior, and can't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
ID: 12975
Animal
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A licalottapus!
ID: 7028
Animal
aaaaa
ID: 12847
Animal
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
ID: 5533
Animal
Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot.
As I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the "Star Spangled Banner," and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, "God Bless America," and it did.
Interested, I asked the store owner, "What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot then yelled, "I'll fall off my perch, stupid!!!"
+10,000 Jokes