ID: 14261
Animal
Ahmed was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Tauseef Khan. As Tauseef stood beside the bed, Ahmed's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Tauseef lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Ahmed used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note, then died.
Tauseef thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Tauseef was visting Ahmed's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Ahmed died.
"You know," he said, "Ahmed handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're - standing - on - my - oxygen - tube!"
ID: 11599
Animal
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs
ID: 2524
Animal
How To Easily Clean A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
ID: 15501
Animal
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks.
As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.
The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!
ID: 18050
Animal
Justin Beiber doesn't need mic to sing , no one needs mic for lip-syncing .
Q: Why did the Chicken cross the Road?
A:To get away from Justin Bieber!!!
JUSTIN: mom i think i finally hit puberty
MOM: really? how do u know?
JUSTIN: I'm bleeding from my vagina.
Stop making fun of him. Every time you make fun of him, you're making fun of someone's daughter.
Instead of saying when pigs fly say when justin beiber hits pueberty.
According to E! , Justin Bieber and Usher is in relationship and was found on late night dating. They will marry once Justin turns 18.
"Justin Bieber Finally hit the Puberty" was the biggest April Fool Joke of the Year .
13yrs old Girl got detention for misspelling "Believers" as "BELIBERS".
The Justin Bieber song "Baby" is the official theme song of Gay Association .
Obama : We are going through major crisis , all the teen girls are becoming Lesbian.
Press : How can you tell than ?
Obama : Because they fantasize sex with Justin Bieber
ID: 16526
Animal
Can You Decipher This Phrase?
cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat
Catch 22!
(22 cats).
ID: 10768
Animal
What do snakes use for birth control?
An Anacondom!
ID: 1205
Animal
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; after all, it WAS the captain's parrot. One stormy day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean... of course, the parrot was adrift on this same very piece of wood with him.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... then another ... and then another. After almost three days the parrot finally says, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"
ID: 14850
Animal
Why did the cow cross the street?
To get to the udder side!
+10,000 Jokes