ID: 10027
Animal
What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant?
IHOP!
ID: 16046
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
DOG
THE
The underdog!
ID: 15961
Animal
Just after Creation the Lord noticed that the original male-female pair of snakes were not reproducing. He summoned them and said, "I thought I told everyone to go forth and multiply?" The snakes replied, "Yes Lord, but we cannot." The Lord was annoyed and thundered, "and why not?" to which the snakes answered, "You see, Lord, you made us Adders."
We could have stopped here (small groan), but actually the Lord got real sore and threatened, "I don't give a shit, just go forth and multiply!"
A week later when the Lord visited, Lo! - was he pleased. Adders here, adders there, adders everywhere. He called for the original pair. "Congratulations," he said, and then not without some bafflement inquired, "how did you do it?" The ingenious pair replied, "It was simple, Lord. We used logarithms."
Alternative ending, "Fibonacci coached us."
ID: 16528
Animal
Can you decipher this phrase?
lookkool
Look both ways!
ID: 16071
Animal
wat do u call a female dog?
ID: 677
Animal
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
ID: 18119
Animal
Breaking News! Daisy the Dalmation is entering the presidential election along with Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.Right now we are going to hear her campaign speech.
" Voting for your next president will be very difficult to chose so let me make it easier. You can vote for the white guy or the black guy. You vote for me you get both.!"
ID: 4814
Animal
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies" , although they are tasty, are not food.
10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20.I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and walk around with a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with her and she makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
ID: 5353
Animal
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow, then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster.
"That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said, "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed - and you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for God's sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
+10,000 Jokes