ID: 11656
Animal
Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys...
...to the lions.
ID: 12171
Animal
A normally sweet Great Dane, Psil, has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.
While walking Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.
Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner, trying to ease the situation, said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."
"Don't you feed him anything else?" he responded.
ID: 15490
Animal
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
ID: 14863
Animal
How can you tell an elephant from an ant?
An ant is easier to pick up!
ID: 14896
Animal
What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog?
A flying car-pet!
ID: 14244
Animal
One day, Little Johnny's teacher asked the class "Children, who can answer this question, please raise your hand!"
"Mention things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, mam!" Little Jane answered.
"Good, Jane." the teacher said, "Anyone else?"
"It's a lollipop!" said Little Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "I think it's lamp!"
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, how do you think we can suck lamp?"
"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Little Johnny said, "I heard my mom said, please turn off the lamp, honey, and let me suck it!"
ID: 18056
Animal
‪16.‬A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''
ID: 14599
Animal
A guy was walking around town with a frog growing out of his head. Another man walks up to him and ask him, "What happened to you?"
The frog answered, "Well, it started as a wart on my ass."
ID: 12975
Animal
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A licalottapus!
+10,000 Jokes