ID: 14261
Animal
Ahmed was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Tauseef Khan. As Tauseef stood beside the bed, Ahmed's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Tauseef lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Ahmed used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note, then died.
Tauseef thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Tauseef was visting Ahmed's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Ahmed died.
"You know," he said, "Ahmed handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're - standing - on - my - oxygen - tube!"
ID: 682
Animal
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
ID: 1763
Animal
A while back, over in Great Britain, a woman complained to the telephone company about her phone. Sometimes, it would not ring when someone called.
The strange part, she said, was that when it did ring, the ring was invariably preceded by her dog barking. So she was convinced she had a broken telephone and a psychic dog.
Now, in Britain, the ring signal is a high-voltage low-ampere current sent from the local office to the phone. The wire which carries this signal is run from the pole to a large metal spike in the yard, which grounds the circuit.
In order to isolate the problem, the phone company sent a repairman out to climb the pole and manually send the signal down the wire. Sure enough, when he did this, nothing happened the first time. The second time, the dog barked just before the phone rang.
Investigation revealed that the dog was chained (with an iron chain) to the spike that grounded the circuit. So this is what was happening: the ground was dry, preventing the ring signal from grounding itself easily through the spike, so the current ran down the chain to the dog, paralyzing him.
When the current released the dog, he yelped and urinated, which wet the ground, so that the second ring signal made it through and the phone rang.
ID: 4993
Animal
A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."
ID: 10515
Animal
Not Funny
ID: 17807
Animal
What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls?
I do not know but it is on your head.
ID: 1963
Animal
Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shall not sit in front of the television or computer monitor as thou are not transparent.
Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy behind.
Thou shall not lie down with thy behind in thy human's face.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.
ID: 5172
Animal
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
ID: 9352
Animal
This is a joke to do to a very gullible person. You start off by telling that person to say "Just like me", whenever you say something. You then start:
"I went to my house"
Just like me.
"And walked through the door"
just like me
"and up the stairs"
just like me
"and then I walked down the hall"
just like me
"and opened the door to my room"
just like me
" And then I heard a noise"
just like me
" and I looked out my window"
just like me
"And saw a monkey that looked"
just like me
+10,000 Jokes