ID: 14906
Animal
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
ID: 10768
Animal
What do snakes use for birth control?
An Anacondom!
ID: 3931
Animal
A man had a very smart dog. He tried selling it for around $45, but everybody thought it was too expensive. The man couldn't lower the price because part of the deal was to buy it a new name tag, 5 lbs. of food, and a new toy.
After long thought he decided to get rid of the dog. He drove 20 miles out of town and dropped the dog off. When he arrived home, the dog was on the porch. He was baffled by this, so he went out of town 80 miles the next day and dropped his dog off in the woods. He went home only to find his dog on the porch.
Next day he was mad, so he drove 170 miles out of town taking the most complicated way possible and dropped his dog off. He started driving around trying to find his way home, but he couldn't. He called his wife on his cell phone and asked, "Honey, is the dog home?" His wife responded, "Yes, why?" The man said, "Put him on the phone - I need directions."
ID: 1
Animal
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
ID: 12974
Animal
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You nique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way!
ID: 17531
Animal
What do elephants have that nothing else has?
Baby elephants!
ID: 13717
Animal
There was once a very very stupid farmer in Texas. The farmer decided he wanted to raise chickens, so he bought a standard gross of chicks.
He planted the chicks in the field, watered them regularly, but nothing happened. He was a persistent type, though, so he bought another gross of chicks and planted them and cared for them - still nothing.
Finally he decided he needed professional help, so he wrote a letter to the Texas A & M extension service, explaining exactly what he'd done in detail and asking for their advice. About two weeks later he received a letter from A & M, and read it:
"Mr. X, we are unable to diagnose your problem without further information.
Please send a soil sample."
ID: 2749
Animal
Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize.
They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.
2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.
Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced meto their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had thisbag of cookies for me."
Bill says, "What did you tell them?"
The driver replies, "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig."
ID: 4853
Animal
There were 3 ants in a house. They all had to decide where they wanted to sleep. One ant decides to sleep in the cabinet, one in the cookie jar, and one in the toilet.
The next morning they all woke up and meet on the stove top to ask each other how their sleep was. The one who slept in the cabinet said his was hot. The one who slept in the cookie jar said his was sweet! The one that slept in the toilet said that " First it got dark, then it rained, a big gust of wind came, and if it wasn't for that big log.....I would have drowned!!!"
+10,000 Jokes