ID: 17518
Animal
Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station?
A: Nothing! He didn't notice.
ID: 13663
Animal
Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for chicken,
Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for a feast,
Eat a ninety-piece bucket then you can tell,
He's been to Cluckin' Bell!
Chicken is a bird with a tiny brain,
So we assume he doesn't feel any pain.
We shrink their heads and we breed 'em fast;
Six wings, forty breasts and then they're gassed.
Cock-a-doodle-doo we're psychotic crazies,
Cock-a-doodle-doo factory farming's insane.
We denied it all before our stock price fell,
Come down to Cluckin' Bell!
ID: 8653
Animal
A man settles into his seat on the plane, when another man sits down and puts his black Labrador Retriever in the seat next to him. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
Once the plane has taken off and levels out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and turns to the man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, but this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seatmate."
The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a bit, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent. He jumps into his seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior, and can't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
ID: 12239
Animal
Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants?
A: So they could smell like big girls.
ID: 7726
Animal
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.
I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.
ID: 4993
Animal
A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."
ID: 11707
Animal
One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting.
"So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"
ID: 10595
Animal
Why did the french dog look in the toilet?
Wee wee
ID: 537
Animal
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
+10,000 Jokes