ID: 1120
Animal
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
ID: 3233
Animal
One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.
ID: 5439
Animal
A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her—but he was walking straight and not sideways!
Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.
The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!"
He answered "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!".
ID: 6173
Animal
A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE".
Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds."
Noticing the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result. The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig. After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt.
"What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer.
"I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy."
"Busy doing what?"
"Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."
ID: 16482
Animal
Can You Decipher This Phrase?
knee
light light
Neon lights!
ID: 11305
Animal
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?
Dam!
ID: 5065
Animal
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?
An elevator
ID: 5044
Animal
What does a cow do for entertainment?
Listen to moo-sic.
ID: 6712
Animal
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."
+10,000 Jokes