ID: 1064
Animal
Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!
ID: 56
Animal
A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady.
"Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Well, it should," said the vet, "It stopped ME!"
ID: 16504
Animal
What does a dog do in your backyard that you don't want to step in?
Dig a hole.
If you step in the hole, you might twist your ankle!
ID: 17901
Animal
It's so easy, it makes pie look hard.
ID: 17544
Animal
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
ID: 17224
Animal
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken," he said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
ID: 3283
Animal
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
ID: 16495
Animal
What is represented by this?
DO WN
Broken down!
ID: 11633
Animal
Two friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said:
" You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it."
+10,000 Jokes