ID: 1763
Animal
A while back, over in Great Britain, a woman complained to the telephone company about her phone. Sometimes, it would not ring when someone called.
The strange part, she said, was that when it did ring, the ring was invariably preceded by her dog barking. So she was convinced she had a broken telephone and a psychic dog.
Now, in Britain, the ring signal is a high-voltage low-ampere current sent from the local office to the phone. The wire which carries this signal is run from the pole to a large metal spike in the yard, which grounds the circuit.
In order to isolate the problem, the phone company sent a repairman out to climb the pole and manually send the signal down the wire. Sure enough, when he did this, nothing happened the first time. The second time, the dog barked just before the phone rang.
Investigation revealed that the dog was chained (with an iron chain) to the spike that grounded the circuit. So this is what was happening: the ground was dry, preventing the ring signal from grounding itself easily through the spike, so the current ran down the chain to the dog, paralyzing him.
When the current released the dog, he yelped and urinated, which wet the ground, so that the second ring signal made it through and the phone rang.
ID: 2522
Animal
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
ID: 2749
Animal
Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize.
They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.
2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.
Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced meto their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had thisbag of cookies for me."
Bill says, "What did you tell them?"
The driver replies, "I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig."
ID: 15705
Animal
A T Rex named Farrell asked his mother if he could dress up in a tutu. His mother replied, "No! Boys don't wear tutus and dance on their tippie-toes!" Farrell yelled, "But mom!" and told his father.
His father said, "Son, I'm a balerina and I dance in a tutu." Then the mother fainted and fell on the floor.
So father and son danced around the unconscious mother in tutus. They had so much fun, and later had cookies and tea as a treat - and they used the mother as a table.
ID: 3489
Animal
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as Soap and Water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. The meal was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
ID: 14716
Animal
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900, so $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
ID: 14115
Animal
In February 1993 a train knocked down and injured an elephant calf in the Sylhet region of Bangladesh. When the next train came along an hour later the calf's mother blocked the track, then banged her forehead against the engine for 15 minutes, until it could no longer run. Then she walked off into the jungle again, leaving about 200 passengers stranded for over five hours.
A man driving to work through the southern desert of Saudi Arabia ran over one of a troupe of monkeys. When he made the return trip later that day, the remaining monkeys were waiting for him. They spotted his car, jumped on it, and smashed the windows with their fists.
ID: 10374
Animal
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To fuck the chicken.
ID: 8307
Animal
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because the chicken had the day off!
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