ID: 17157
Animal
This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.
ID: 13260
Animal
There were two fish. The first says:
"We're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, have sex, then die."
The second says:
"So we're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, then die?"
First fish:
"Yup"
Second:
"Are we gonna have sex?"
First :
"Yup"
Second:
"Ok count me in!"
ID: 11765
Animal
A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room.
To his amazement, one of the players is a German Shepherd, studying his hand intently.
He asks the barman, "Is that dog actually playing poker?"
"He certainly is, sir," replies the barman.
"I am amazed," said the man.
"Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker."
"Does the dog win much?" asks the man.
"No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!"
ID: 4533
Animal
Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God:
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or is it going to be the same old story?
Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
ID: 10375
Animal
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the chiken retired.
ID: 12230
Animal
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q. How come Mike Tyson's eye's water during sex?
A. Mace
Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!
Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!
Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.
Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.
Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.
Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.
Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.
Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.
Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.
Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.
Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.
Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.
Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!
Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.
Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.
Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.
Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.
Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.
Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"
ID: 1
Animal
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
ID: 14830
Animal
Boys make good pets!
Princess in training!
At least I can still smoke in my car
Caution, Blind Man Driving.
"Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make."
All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!
"To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan
"No BLOOD no foul."
"Life's an Ocean, Sail It"
"We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip
Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
ID: 17994
Animal
What s green and hangs from a tree???
Giraffe Boogers
+10,000 Jokes