ID: 16808
Animal
I was traveling from Chesterton to Newcastle recently when I came across a sign which had fallen off its post at the crossroads. It was marked to Newcastle, Chesterton, Knutton and Silverdale. Unfortunately I didn't know which road to take to Newcastle and had hoped the sign would help. Luckily, I had a great idea which helped me put the sign back up pointing correctly to Newcastle. What was my idea?
I simply pointed Chesterton back the way I had come and this left the sign in its correct orientation.
ID: 8921
Animal
What does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by?
That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs.....
ID: 2
Animal
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction.
ID: 8256
Animal
Q.) Why did the dog go to court?
A.) Because it got a barking ticket.
ID: 2020
Animal
Where does Batman's goldfish live ?
In the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha...
ID: 4892
Animal
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say Cheese!
ID: 3775
Animal
Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over.
"That was quite a leap," she remarked. "Want to go somewhere and cuddle?"
"Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. "The fence was higher than I thought."
ID: 8636
Animal
Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain.
The owner said, "The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.".
"But I still don't see the difference," said the old man.
The owner explained, "The $100 bird has a small hump on his beak and that made him just average."
"You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak he would be worth $10,000?!?!?" exclaimed Dave.
"Well," says the owner, "he might not be worth $10,000 but he would be worth quite a bit more."
With much delight Dave says "I'll take him! You see, I have been a master machinist my whole life and have worked with tools and my hands since I was a young boy. I think that I can file that hump off the bird's beak and make some extra money."
"You might be able to do that," says the owner, "but I must warn you that there is a membrane in the bird's beak and if you file too deeply you will kill the bird."
"No problem," says Dave with great confidence, and leaves the store.
About a week later Dave was back in the pet store and the owner asks how things went with the bird. "He died," Dave said dejectedly.
The owner says, "I warned you that you could file to deeply and that would kill the bird."
"Oh, that's not what happened," replied Dave.
"Well what happened then?"
"I accidentally crushed his head in the vice."
ID: 6367
Animal
OK, let's consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.
Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway
+10,000 Jokes