ID: 16812
Animal
During a recent expedition, three intrepid adventurers were left stranded in the middle of the desert with only a crate full of apples. During the night, Alan woke up and decided to hide his share of the apples, one-third, then promptly fell asleep again. Brian woke up shortly after and also decided to hide a third of the remaining apples and he also dozed back to sleep. Finally, Charlie woke up and seeing the others were asleep, took a third of what was left. Of course none of the adventurers knew of the other's antics, so, in the morning, they shared the remaining apples, each receiving sixteen. How many apples were in the crate originally?
162 apples.
Alan hid 54, leaving 108. Brain hid 36, leaving 72. Charlie hid 24, leaving 48. 48 apples were then available to share in the morning.
ID: 247
Animal
A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hands on. Then he heard a voice. It said, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking its in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar not very religious but still scared says, "Who are you?"
Then he flipped on the light not caring if he was caught by the house owners. All he sees is a parrot in the corner. The parrot then says, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar asks the parrot his name. The parrot replied, "Satan."
The burglar laughs and says, "Who would name their parrot Satan?"
The parrot says, "Same person who would name their rottweiler Jesus."
ID: 1836
Animal
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?
A: A jump rope
ID: 362
Animal
A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly.
Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE craps ON YOU!!!"
ID: 1961
Animal
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
ID: 10515
Animal
Not Funny
ID: 5523
Animal
What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
ID: 7736
Animal
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop,
then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
and he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November.
"Come around August, now listen to me,
each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head,
Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink.
And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap.
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
and smiled at me and said..... "Christmas is coming..."
ID: 44
Animal
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
+10,000 Jokes