ID: 12847
Animal
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
ID: 8246
Animal
So two farmers are standing next to a cow and one farmer says:
1st guy: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
1st guy: "I made a cake."
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
......*long pause*......
Cow: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
Cow: "I made a pie."
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
ID: 4738
Animal
Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?
A. Because you might step in a poodle.
ID: 2420
Animal
After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
ID: 332
Animal
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and asks, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."
ID: 2019
Animal
Where does Superman's goldfish live ?
In the superbowl....
ID: 1991
Animal
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.
The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, "New house ... new madam ... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation. She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."
ID: 1120
Animal
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
ID: 1696
Animal
It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.
The husband, noticing the apes excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slip down.
She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.
Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.
This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut, and gleefully rubbing his hands together, says:
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
+10,000 Jokes