ID: 7631
Animal
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."
ID: 4993
Animal
A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."
ID: 14269
Animal
How do you confuse a frog?
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.
How does a frog confuse you?
When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better!
ID: 4930
Animal
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A Bearacuda.
ID: 7815
Animal
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a cow and began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
The Indian looked shocked.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
The Indian looks even more shocked.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
The Indian looks extremely shocked.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
The Indian looks totally and utterly amazed.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your cow?"
Indian: "Cow liar."
ID: 2771
Animal
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''
ID: 8096
Animal
A male blue whale, can ejaculate 40 gallons of sperm during sex.
Only 10% of that will get to the female.
The other 36 gallons is left in the sea.
No wonder the sea's so salty.
ID: 2196
Animal
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall. One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really
quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out,
"Honey, look!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says,
"You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
ID: 7837
Animal
"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?"
"Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?"
"Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"
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