ID: 1847
Animal
All lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind:
The first cat gets the mouse.
ID: 4368
Animal
Here are two versions of the same story--
A certain man was passing through a small town and wanted to upgrade his mode of transportation. So he looked all around this small town he was in and found that the only place he could buy a faster means of transportation was at the local monastery. They had a horse for sale there for quite a deal. When the man was leaving the monastery with his new horse the monk that was sold him the horse said "Now all you have to remember is- When you want the horse to move all you need to say is 'Hallelujah' and when you want it to stop say 'Amen.'" The man then gave the monk a half acknowledged nod and continued on his way.
After several miles the man sneezed and spooked the horse. The horse started running faster and faster. Then the man noticed a cliff ahead of him and stared to panic and said a prayer when the traveler said "Amen" the horse stopped right on the edge of the cliff. Then the man shouted and Praised God saying "Hallelujah!"
A certain man traveling ran into a stroke of bad luck. His horse died when he was still traveling, but luckily he was only a few miles off of a small town. He reached the town and inquired where he would be able to find a horse and he was told that the only person who had horses in the town was the preacher. The man went to the preacher and asked if he could buy a horse. The preacher said: "Why certainly I'll sell this one right here to you. But remember this; I trained my horses to move when you say 'Praise the Lord' and when you want the horse to stop say 'Amen.'"
With that the man thanked the preacher and said "Praise the Lord!" and the horse and the man immediately went riding away. While the man was riding along he noticed a cliff ahead of him and thought to himself "What was it that the preacher told me to say to get this horse to stop?" he then tried "Whoa whoa, Betsy!" but the horse kept on riding. The man finally so desperate said a prayer and at the end of his payer he said "Amen." The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The man looked down the steep cliff and said "Praise the Lord!"
ID: 12747
Animal
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
ID: 11763
Animal
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
He says, "My dog's cross-eyed, can you do something for him?"
"Let's have a look at him," says the vet, as he picks up the
dog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth.
"I'm going to have to put him down," he finally says.
"What?" says the man, "just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy!"
ID: 7103
Animal
One dog said to her pups, "Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you. Any other hand is ok, though."
ID: 16743
Animal
Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen, and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.
Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule." Harry says, "It's not a mule, Benny, it's a donkey."
As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a priest, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.
The priest looks at the animal and says, "It's neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work."
As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?"
"No sir," replies Benny, "not according to the bible."
ID: 15953
Animal
A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.
"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon."
Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.
"Ma'am, the cat is dead!"
The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.
Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!"
ID: 16249
Animal
A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat, and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free - but then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon, so he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
ID: 16812
Animal
During a recent expedition, three intrepid adventurers were left stranded in the middle of the desert with only a crate full of apples. During the night, Alan woke up and decided to hide his share of the apples, one-third, then promptly fell asleep again. Brian woke up shortly after and also decided to hide a third of the remaining apples and he also dozed back to sleep. Finally, Charlie woke up and seeing the others were asleep, took a third of what was left. Of course none of the adventurers knew of the other's antics, so, in the morning, they shared the remaining apples, each receiving sixteen. How many apples were in the crate originally?
162 apples.
Alan hid 54, leaving 108. Brain hid 36, leaving 72. Charlie hid 24, leaving 48. 48 apples were then available to share in the morning.
+10,000 Jokes